by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

If you simply MUST know more than that, you can read on.  But as always, I'll mention that I envy those of you who go into Thursday nights without the merest inkling of what to expect.  That's the fun way to watch TV.

Here, compiled from e-mail reports into a single cogent document, are results from this week's WWE TV tapings:

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Test beat Val Venis
• Maven beat Some Guy
• Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade beat Two Other Guys
• Stevie Richards beat Tommy Dreamer thanks to the interference of Victoria

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

• Notable dark match: Mortis (Kanyon in his WCW "Blood Runs Cold" gimmick) beat Some Guy... we'll have to see where this goes.
• Matt Hardy beat Orlando Jordan
• Nunzio pinned Funaki
• FBI beat Two Guys
• Sean O'Haire beat Some Other Guy.

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• Show opens with a Vince McMahon promo.  Strike one.  He promptly announces that due to the attack by Lesnar last week, Kurt Angle's not here tonight.  Damn, Strike Two.  He gloated over last week's plan, and brought out Lesnar, who told us that he just used Angle until he had nothing left to offer Lensar.  Now Lesnar wants his WWE Title back.  This gets interrupted by the return of Stephanie McMahon, who wastes no time dropping the names of A-Train and Sable.  D'oh, Strikes Three and Four!  This turns into McMahon Soap Opera Theater for a bit, with Steph casting horrible aspersions upon Vince's character, and Vince booking Steph vs. A-Train as tonight' main event. 
• First match is the night's highlight, as the Worlds Greatest Tag Team got a clean win over Rey Mysterio and Billy Kidman.  Excellently worked long match that should span a commercial. and it ended pretty cleanly with Haas pinning Kidman.
• Danny Basham got a win over Billy Gunn.  This was a short match, and ended with Danny getting the cheap win thanks to Doug and Shaniqua.  After the match, the Bashams and Shaniqua kept on beating down Billy and Torrie, respectively, until Jamie Noble and Nidia tried to make the save.  They got the same treatment from Doug, Danny, and Shaniqua.
• Backstage: the APA are watching this on a monitor, and Bradshaw brings his "Shaniqua is Shelton Benjamin in drag" conspiracy from Velocity to SD.  Also, the APA are gonna get their protection racket back in business, I guess.  ALSO also, we spy the Big Show coming out of Vince's office.
• Big Show defeated the Undertaker.  The match was actually pretty decent, and it ended after about 6-8 minutes when A-Train interfered following a ref bump.  He whacked Taker with a bat outside the ring.  The ref started a count, which Show was able to beat back into the ring for the win.
• Backstage: Taker is in bad shape, but is refusing to go to the hospital.
• Tajiri -- miracle of miracles -- scored a clean win over Rhyno.  Problem is, it was only about a 3 minute match.  The real story here will apparently be the fact that Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit were BOTH doing guest commentary here, and somehow, wound up wanting to go for a ride in Eddie's low rider together once the short match was done.  But then Benoit said something that pissed Eddie off, and Eddie stormed off.  Huh? Nobody in the live crowd really followed the logic here, but I'm guessing it'll make more sense on TV.  MY choice for real story: Tajiri should be back in the US Title mix, now!
• John Cena defeated Zach Gowen.  Prematch was a wicked rap by Cena.  Match was well-fought by Zach, but he came up short and lost clean.  Post-match was a sneak attack on Gowen from Matt Hardy and Shannon Moore, which got big heat.  Pretty by the numbers, but good.
• Backstage: for some reason not fully explored, Spanky is in the b-team dressing room playing with chocolate syrup, and, in a terrible accident, gets some on Vince McMahon's jacket.  All of a sudden, Spanky is booked into the very next match against....
• Brock Lesnar DESTROYED Spanky, but was disqualified in the match.  This was an absolutely decimation, but when Lesnar could stop himself from using things like steel chairs and ringposts, the ref called for the bell and made Spanky the winner via DQ.  Not that he looked like a winner as he was being hauled out by medics...
• The A-Train/Stephanie main event was essentially a giant schmozz, but was apparently under No-DQ rules (I think), so A-Train can claim a pinfall over Steph.  Sable was the guest ring announcer, and when Steph made her entrance, she immediately when after Sable.  But A-Train promptly hit the ring to put an end to that.  A-Train dominated Stephanie for a bit, and then Taker ran out to attempt to make the save.  But Big Show and Vince were eventually on the scene, and you can bet Taker (already injured) stood no chance.  Eventually, Train pinned Steph, and then, to close the show, Vince and Sable made out for a little bit, standing over Steph's caracass.  [That's where the show will end Thursday, but for the live crowd, Taker made a big comeback and cleaned house on Show and A-Train to end the event.]

Let's see how it plays out tomorrow night on TV.  You can check it out or just come on down to OO on Friday for full results and analysis.  And this week only: for a Satire, as well! 
 

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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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