by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

First, a quick collection of non-televised results from RAW tapings.  These will make up the International Heat (seen elsewhere, while those of us in the US and Canada will get a live, pre-PPV edition of the show):

• Spike Dudley beat Rico
• Jindrak/Cade beat Two Guys
• Mark Henry returned as the newest client of Teddy Long, and won his "Playa's Club" Card by beating Another Guy
• Steven Richards and Victoria beat Tommy Dreamer and Ivory

And for the rest of the week's info -- namely SmackDown! and Velocity results -- I turn you over to the very capable Tony "markout" Kowalski, who filed this report:

I had excellent floor seats about eleven rows behind and to the right of the announce table.  Thanks go out once again to my amazing girlfriend who bought me the tickets.

Dark Matches

Mortis vs. Local Jobber #1
Mortis!!!  I had to see it to believe it!!!  Kanyon in his ever so slimming purple attire emasculated some poor local schmuck with his flapjack-off-the-shoulders move.

Bart Bartelucci v. Tyson Morty
Forgive if I’ve butchered the names but these guys really don’t matter right now.  Tyson had “Text Book” on his tights and paraded around the ring doing a dance that can only be described as a skinny white guy doing the Running Man while projecting his chest forward to proclaim “Look at my breasts” to the world.  And Bart was the heel.  Tyson won.

Josh Matthews, “The Youngest Voice of the WWE”, and Ernest Miller come down.  Ernest dances with the ring announcer.  No shit.

Velocity

Shannon Moore vs. Billy Kidman
Moore has his own entrance now.  Entertaining little affair that Kidman won following a rolling power bomb off the top rope.  A little girl in front had a sign that said “Hug me, Kidman.”  Kidman hugged her.

Sean O’Haire vs. Funaki
O’Haire’s entrance video showed him beating on Funaki.  It turned out to be prophetic as O’Haire pinned Funaki following the, um…Prophecy.

FBI vs. Two Guys
No music for your entrance, no names in my recap.  FBI wins (obviously) following a Palumbo Mafia Kick.

Bradshaw vs. Shelton Benjamin
I tried to get a “drag queen” chant started for Shelton .  It didn’t work.  Bradshaw, whose new look has him closely resembling Ted McGinley, won with a Clothesline from Hell.

Tazz and Michael Cole came down.  Bathroom break!!

Smackdown

Kurt Angle comes down.  My girlfriend and I spearhead an “Angle” chant.  He talks about how he doesn’t need some “jacked up billionaire” to help him get his revenge.  He’ll get his the old fashioned way.  He wants Brock Lesnar and Vince McMahon in a fight tonight, possibly at the same time.  Vince predictably comes out and says no.  If Kurt goes near Brock or Vince, he gets suspended, stripped of the title, fired, tarred and feathered, etc.  But since Kurt wants a fight, he can have one.  With the Big Show.  Enter Big Show.  Kurt says he wants a fight, and he wants it now.  He goes and slaps Show around a bit before being restrained and hauled to the back.

Backstage
The Big Show is mad.  He’s throwing things in Vince’s office.  Vince tells him that tonight’s affair will be a Falls Count Anywhere Streetfight.  Yee haw!!

Rey Mysterio vs. Matt Hardy
Rey with Kidman and Hardy with Moore .  Kidman gets sent to the back for trying to stop Moore ’s antics and being seen holding a chair.  Matt is about to hit the Twist of Fate when Zach Gowan comes down and hits Matt with a Singapore …er…walking cane.  Rey hits the 619 and West Coast Pop for the win.  Probably the match of the night.

Backstage
Vince is talking to Brock.  Vince mentions Angle’s forthcoming match with the Big Show, and says because Brock is such a sportsman, that he should have a match as well.  With Zach Gowan.  Brock should really never talk.

Replay
A-Train flattens Stephanie at Vince’s behest.

Interview
Michael Cole goes to the audience to interview…Zach Gowan’s mom.  Apparently he’s from right here in Detroit .  News to all of us.  She says she hates watching him get thrown all around and beat up and stuff.  Hooooooooh boy.

The Load/Jamie Noble vs. The Bashams
Torrie was wearing a leopard print tank top with low cut shiny leather shorts.  The Bashams win somehow.  Shaniqua hits a brutal double clothesline on Torrie and Nidia.  I think Nidia’s head landed somewhere in the fifth row.

Backstage
Brock comes up to Zach and makes a god-awful “leg to stand on” joke.  Brock should really never talk.

Brock Lesnar vs. Zach Gowan
Hmmmm…how would this one go?  Brock completely murders Zach Gowan outside of the ring directly in front of where his mother was sitting.  Zach did get a few shots in with his prosthetic leg before the massacre truly began, but within a few minutes he was bleeding all over the place and Brock was giving him repeated F-5s into the ring post with his leg.  Brutally effective piece that got my girlfriend to start up an “Asshole” chant.  Zach got gurneyed out and almost made it to the back before Brock ran down and knocked him off, stole the stretcher, and dragged it back to the ring.  Brock got him some heel heat here.

Intermezzo
The now-infamous “ Lonely Road of Faith” Video plays.  God I hate that fucking song.

John Cena comes down and cuts a WICKED rap on Zach and the city of Detroit in general.  Man I love this guy.

John Cena/A-Train vs. The Undertaker/Orlando Jordan
I usually don’t get to watch Smackdown because I work late on Thursdays.  So who in the blue hell is Orlando Jordan and what is he doing in the match???  Cena pins Taker in a match that could have been shorter.

Eddie Guererro/Rhyno vs. Tajiri/Chris Benoit
I say the last match could have been shorter because this one was WAY too short.  Eddie/Rhyno win when Tajiri accidentally kicks Benoit, then in his dismay gets Goared by Rhyno.  Benoit recovers and locks the Crossface on Rhyno, only to be hit in the head with the belt by Eddie, who discovers that he likes hitting people in the head with the belt so much that he clocks Rhyno and Tajiri as well.  Pretty major “Eddie” chants going on.

Kurt Angle vs. The Big Show
I, like most of the people in my section, lost track of this match because it was on the floor in front of us, which meant:

      A.  Everyone in front of us was standing 
             so we couldn’t see and
     B.  We were all more concerned with trying 
             to see ourselves on the Titantron

Angle wins when he Angle Slams TBS through a table.  Solid match for both.

Brock Lesnar comes out.  Angle and Lesnar stare each other down.  End show

Very good show overall that more than wiped the taste of RAW out of my mouth.  The Rey/Hardy match and the Angle/Show match were the highlights of the night.  Should be great viewing on Thursday.

Thanks again to Tony for the report.... be sure to either check out these shows as they air, or come on back for full coverage here on OO.  Except of those Heat matches.  We don't do Int'l Heat here on OO.  That show's for Commie!

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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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