by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

So I stayed home and watched baseball, and let other people get me the highlights of the tapings via e-mail.  I'm thinking I got the better end of the deal.

Click back now if you don't want to know what happens the rest of the week on WWE TV.

Note: there were a few matches taped prior to RAW on Monday, but they will air internationally, only, as most of you will get the traditional live, pre-PPV edition of Heat this weekend.

Velocity/SmackDown! Tapings
Live in Cincinnati, OH

• In dark matches: Tough Enough 3 winners (whats-his-name and the-other-what's-his-name-who-got-whupped-by-Bob-Holly) were defeated by Haas/Benjamin...  and Sean O'Haire and some other guy beat Nova and Carly Colon.
• Velocity #1:  the APA beat the FBI.
• Velocity #2:  A-Train beat Orlando Jordan.
• Velocity #3:  Ultimo Dragon beat Joey Matthews.
• Velocity #4:  Matt Hardy beat Funaki.
• SD! opened with Kurt Angle, dressed in full throwback gear, coming to the ring to do a John Cena impersonation.  Very funny stuff.  I won't describe the whole thing, but suffice to say a Midget Kurt Angle joined the festivities, and that when the real Cena eventually came out to defend him against the vicious accusation that "Cena is a Wiena", Angle and the midget got the best of him.
• Chris Benoit beat Doug Basham.  Or did he.  Apparently, the big drama in this match was the fact that Danny Basham was at ringside, and at one point in the match, he and Doug switched places without the ref knowing.  Whichever Basham it was, Benoit still beat him via submission.
• Next was described by all (OK, three people, but completely independently) as the most painful live wrestling experience they ever had.  And one of 'em he had been to a WWF C-Team house show headlined by like the Young Stallions back in the 80s.  It was an "earlier today" interview with Stephanie McMahon, who explained to Michael Cole that she had been barred from the building tonight by her dad.  Steph got all emotional about how she doesn't even want to fight her dad, she wants to still love him, but he's forcing her, and Cole keeps asking her questions to fully establish that Steph is Good and Reasonable.  Vince is Evil and Slightly Crazed.  This sounds like claptrap that would have been bad if it lasted five minutes.  Live reports vary, but apparently this went on for somewhere between 15 minutes and 9 and a half hours.  Well, at least 15 minutes.  The crowd turned on this well before the end and started chanting very nasty things (all of which will be well-edited by Thursday, rest assured).  When Cole finally wrapped up the interview, the crowd erupted with cheers that were among the loudest of the night.  Good lord:  I'm pained that I'll have to sit through this on Thursday, but I'm mildly heartened that it was my fellow Ohioans who finally delivered WWE a loud and clear message about what's specifically wrong with their presentation lately.  But then I'm pained again that there were probably a few Kentuckians in that crowd, too...  Oh well...
• Backstage: Jamie Noble and Nidia have just watched this Touching Interview, and are bad-mouthing Vince for forcing his daughter's hand.  Tajiri overhears, and snitches to Vince.  So Vince makes a match: Noble vs. Tajiri, and it's next.
• Noble and Tajiri goes to a No Contest, or something.  What could have been an excellent match ends insetad very quickly when Tajiri shoots mist at Nidia.  Noble goes to tend to her, and Tajiri just leaves.  No decision was made as far as the audience could tell.
• After Nidia is tended to, Noble sticks in the ring to trash Tajiri.  He calls Tajiri back to the ring, but instead, he gets Brock Lesnar.  Lesnar destroys Noble, and then Vince McMahon (w/ Sable) makes a grand entrance, obviously pleased that the mutinous Noble and Nidia have both been taken care of tonight.  Lesnar leaves, and then Vince proceeds to talk, and talk, and talk.... Vince talks about how Steph's earlier interview was all a ruse, and she hates her dad... Vince talks smack about Linda... Vince talks about his sexual prowess... Sable even gets to talk some about Vince's sexual prowess...  getting the picture?  This goes on for an estimated 10 minutes, and the crowd was again getting annoyed before the end, though not nearly as so as with the Steph thing.  Vince and Sable seal the craptacular promo with a kiss.  
• Eddie Guerrero cheated to win a singles match against Rhyno (misdirection for the ref, US belt to the head for Rhyno).  Said to be a good enough match, but with all the other crap going on, you better believe it was too short to make much of an impact.  Real story was after the match, when Eddie wanted to leave in his low-rider, but Big Show attacked.  Show busted out a window to get to Eddie, and then proceeded to leave both Eddie and the Low Rider in shambles.  Big finish Eddie getting chokeslammed onto the low rider.
• Rey Mysterio beat Johnny Stamboli in a match that was spotty and fun enough, but which had no heat.  First off, the other crap had killed off interest.  Second, nobody knew what this match-up had to do with anything.  Rey managed to use his speediness to overcome the Number Game and get the win.
• Backstage: the Undertaker does an interview, explaining the "Biker Chain Match" concept.  It involved, get this!, a chain!  The chain's hanging over the ring, and the first guy to get it can use it as a weapon.  Okey doke.  Taker's not done talking his smack when Lesnar attacks him from behind.  Taker had been wearing a chain around his neck, ala JYD or Hercules, and Lesnar used it as a weapon.  Taker was dragged around and beaten with the chain.  Finally, Lesnar drags Taker off screen....
• And into the arena for what was apparently the main event.  Taker and Lesnar wind up brawling in and around the ring for a while.  Highlight of the brawl was a cool spot in which Lesnar hanged Taker over the top rope using the chain.  But Taker was able to escape and eventually ran Lesnar off for what most reported would be the end of the broadcast version of SD!
• [At this point in the show, Taker got on the mic and challenged Lesnar to come on back down for a match RIGHT NOW.  The fans who remained -- which reportedly was not all of them after all the nonsense earlier -- perked up a bit for the first time since Angle's show-opening promo.  Lesnar did come back out, and he and Taker did a little bonus match, which was decent enough, but which ended, as you might predict, pretty cheaply.  Lesnar got himself counted out.  Taker celebrated for the crowd and tried to send 'em home happy.  Many were past the point where that would be possible.  But points to Taker for trying.  Two of three reports presented this last match as a bonus match not intended to air on Thursday night, but that doesn't make it a lock.]

If you are strong willed, please check out SD! on Thursday night...  but remember, we here at OO will have your back with full coverage and analysis on Friday.  You could just come on back for that...
  

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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