by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

And if you can't wait until it's shown on TV, we've got the rest of the week's WWE TV shows' results right here.

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Maven beat Some Guy
• John Heidenreich beat Some Other Guy
• Hurricane and Rosey beat Two More Guys
• Trish Stratus beat Gail Kim.

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

• Some Guy beat Some Guy in a dark match.
• Orlando Jordan beat Kanyon in what all but one reader said was a dark match (other said, yes, look for it on Velocity)
• Nunzio beat Paul London... both Johnny Stamboli and Spanky were at ringside, and when they got involved, it was that distraction that allowed Nunzio to boot London in the head for the win.
• Sean O'Haire beat Ultimo Dragon.  Said by one to be nothing but a squash.  If so, color me Preparing to Be Very Angry when I watch this on Sunday.
• Chuck Palumbo beat Funaki in a fun match.
• Scotty 2 Hotty beat Rhyno.

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• Vince McMahon, fulfilling the fears of fans everywhere, decides to open the show with an extended, gloating promo.  He is on crutches and bandaged about the head and everything, really selling that he got beat up Sunday.  But, he says, that's nothing compared to what Undertaker's going through, his body decaying and his soul rotting.  Vince says his Higher Power sent him help in the form of Kane, who he tells us will be here later tonight at his behest.  Blah, blah, blah, and the segment is saved by John Cena coming out for no really apparent reason... he proceeds to cut a rap on Vince (with a few choice words for Sable tossed in) to bring the segment to an end.  Cena left to big cheers, but Vince fumbled around in the ring, as "help" from both Sable and a referee was useless and he wound up falling on his ass a few times before making it back.
• Backstage: Brock Lesnar is furious at Team Lesnar for letting him down at the PPV (reminding the crowd to chant "You Tapped Out" at him along the way).  Lesnar says they will make it up to him by taking out Benoit (Nathan Jones' assignment) and Cena (Big Show's).
• Rey Mysterio beat Akio (the former Jimmy Yang) in a really good match.  Both guys got in plenty of offense over the course of the 8 minute match (watch them slice it down for TV, leaving all of Vince's nonsense in)... but it was Mysterio rallying with a 619/West Coast Pop combo that won it in the end.
• Backstage: Paul Heyman is looking for someone... but he finds Shaniqua and the Bashams in the midst of, umm, a "celebration."  Heyman opts not to join them, and keeps on moving till he finds Shannon Moore.  He tells Moore he's sorry that his leader, Matt Hardy, has jumped to RAW, and blames that on Stephanie McMahon not doing her job as GM in her last few weeks.  But Heyman promises to take care of Shannon... starting RIGHT NOW... with a match against Matt Morgan.
• Matt Morgan totally squashed Shannon Moore.  Shannon got in one hope spot, but this was right around 2 minutes, and was designed to make Morgan, not Moore, look good.
• A-Train beat Bradshaw in a Battle of "Oh, Yeah, We Both Somehow Weaseled Our Way into that Team Lesnar vs. Team Angle Match" Also-Rans.  Slobberknocker that went maybe a little longer than it should have (in the 6 minute range), but which was more forgettable than bad...  Train won with the bicycle kick to Bradshaw's noggin.
• Chris Benoit beat Nathan Jones.  Brock Lesnar came out and was in Jones' corner, and tried to swing things in Jones' favor...  but this was ineffective in the end.  When Benoit started his big superman comeback (after Jones had controlled a lot of the match with methodical -- remember, that's OO's code word for "slow and boring" -- offense), Lesnar tried to interfere, but ate concrete courtesy of Benoit, instead.  Chris was then able to continue the beatdown on Jones, and locked him into the Crippler Crossface for the submission win in about 6-7 minutes.  After the match, Lesnar got his wits about him, however, and started beating the piss out of Benoit...  until Bob Holly ran out to make the save.  Holly and Lesnar brawled into the crowd before security finally broke them up.  Heyman came out at that point and announced that as a result of his enthusiasm, Holly is suspended indefinitely.  Whoa.  Bob says "Hello," but Paul says "Goodbye."
• Kane delivered his Touching Eulogy for the Undertaker.  Described as craptacular by one, and melodramatic by another, this was more extended verbal wanking... either this OR the opening Vince segment would have been OK, but not both.  Important Plot Point: Kane did riff on the idea that the Undertaker has actually been dead for 3 years, and that the Taker we've been seeing is a weak, hollow shell of the brother he fought once upon a time.  Nice way of continuing to build suspicion of the old school Taker coming back... but just way too long, I guess.  The idea of a revived Kane/Taker feud, however, is planted.  
• Tajiri beat Jamie Noble one more time.  Another five-minute-special like they had on Heat, except this time, there was a bit of a storyline development:  Noble was in control when Nidia made her return, clumsily walking down the aisle in sunglasses and with a cane.  This sort of distracted Noble, who was attacked from behind by Tajiri and pinned.  Oh, and Nidia's tits:  big.  But bigger than before?  Tune in and see for yourself.
• Backstage: Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin thank Paul Heyman for finally giving them their shot against Los Guerreros.  Even if this isn't about the titles anymore, they want to destroy Eddie and Chavo.  Pause that face turn?
• Los Guerreros beat the World's Greatest Tag Team.  Way too short (less than 5 minutes) by all accounts, but good while it lasted.  Hot tag to Eddie set up him pinning Haas with a Frog Splash.  But more action after the match, as Benjamin tossed Eddie from the ring to set up a 2-on-1 attack against Chavo.  It took a while, but Eddie eventually recovered enough to grab a steel chair and make the save.  Chavo, at first, was pissed at Eddie for letting him get beat up for so long, but Eddie cooled him down enough that they left together.
• Vignette: the Cat is making his return to SD! next week.  And the crowd goes mild.  Or at least, I do.
• Backstage: Chavo and Eddie are talking, and Chavo's getting worked up again.  As he rattles off a list of Eddie's screw-ups in the last month, he gets more and more angry, and eventually tells Eddie to take a hike, because Chavo needs some Chavo time.  Then Chavo berates a doctor when he can't get a shot for the pain in his leg, and limps off to go hang with his "real friends."  Hmmmm: if I said this reads like they're planning a "Who's hooked on pain pills, now?" angle, would I be reaching?  And would I be right if I thought that was definitely NOT a good idea?
• John Cena beat the Big Show in a NON-Title match.  After a hot start for Cena, Show took over on offense for several minutes.  Cena started a rally when the match spilled to the outside, and then, back in the ring, a ref bump allowed Cena to take advantage of some steel ring steps (introduced by Show) to KO Big Show.  Ref came around in time to count a pinfall win for Cena.  Big pop for Cena's win, and a solid "WWE main event style" 12 minute match.  After the match, Cena stopped celebrating at the entrance set and came back down to the ring and blasted Show with another shot using the ring steps.  Presumably, this was a re-do of the final spot in the match and will air in place of the initial steps-shot.  Then Cena's celebration continued, and the show came to an end.

Check out the shows as they air over the next several days, or just come on back to OO for full recaps and analyses of the shows afterwards.
 

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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