by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

As usual, I think you're really cool if you just hit BACK now and watch the show for your damn self to find out all about it.  But also as usual, I know the vast majority of you are selfish pricks who just can't mind your own business and have to know all about it NOW.

So here's yer spoilers, punks...

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Mark Henry beat Maven
• Victoria beat Ivory in the Only Reason to Watch Heat Match
• Hurricane and Rosey beat Two Guys
• John Heidenreich defeated (but failed to maim) Some Other Guy in a Conquistador Costume

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

• Akio beat Funkai in the Only Reason to Watch Velocity Match
• Spanky and Paul London beat Kanyon and HWA Legend Chad Collyer
• Orlando Jordan beat Some Guy
• Bradshaw beat Rhyno

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• Brock Lesnar opened the show with what was described as classic heel "reverse psychology" promo.  He doesn't sweat Chris Benoit or John Cena (so, of course, he's actually deathly afraid of both).  Him tapping out was a fluke and should be forgotten (so, of course, a "You Tapped Out" chant starts).  He is the Greatest Champion in the History of Time and Space (which, of course, is easily debatable).  And so on and so forth.  Good, old school heel work from Lesnar, but maybe a bit long-winded.
• Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty beat the Basham Brothers via clean pinfall in a NON-Title match.  After the match Shaniqua got pissed at Doug and Danny, and walked out on them. 
• Backstage: Paul Heyman, all business and ignoring Dawn Marie's apparently tremendous wardrobe selection, tells Dawn to send this letter he has out to Bob Holly, pronto, and then to tell Shannon Moore to meet him in the ring.
• Paul Heyman, flanked by both Nathan Jones and Matt Morgan, gives Shannon Moore another obviously faux pep talk, and then introduces him to his opponent for tonight:  the Big Show.  Shannon is summarily squashed as he continues his role as whipping boy who doesn't know when to quit.
• Backstage: Jamie Noble tries to get Nidia to stay in the back this week, and then changes his mind for some (possibly nefarious) reason.
• Jamie Noble beat Sakoda, but only after he used Nidia as a prop.  He negotiated a collision between Sakoda and Nidia, and then used Sakoda's distraction as his opening to roll him up for a pinfall win.  After the match, Noble apparently had words with Nidia, though this part wasn't exactly clear.
• Chris Benoit beat John Cena via a Reverse Decision Submission in a really good 10 minute match.  Crowd was pro-Cena at the start, but almost exactly 50/50 by the end, as Benoit looked sharp.  First (false) finish was Cena hitting the F-U and pinning Benoit; but Benoit's foot was on the ropes.  A second ref came out and showed the replay to the original ref, who decided to reverse his decision and continue the match.  In the confusion, however, Big Show came out and blindsided John Cena.  Benoit did not see this happen, but took advantage of it, nonetheless.  Upon the restart, Benoit was quickly able to lock in the Crippler Crossface and make Cena tap out.
• Backstage: Chavo was talking to Eddie, and telling him again about how he feels fine this week and he's ready to go out and win a match.  Further, he wants to do it on his own and make a name for himself.
• Chavo Guerrero beat Shelton Benjamin in another good match.  Action was fast and furious, and extracurriculars picked up when Eddie showed up at ringside (selling the "I'm just a fan" idea with hilarious results) to offset Charlie Haas.  When they went to the finish, the ref was distracted by all the hinjinx, and did not see Eddie hit a Frog Splash on Benjamin.  Chavo DID see it, and took advantage of it to get the win.  But after the match, Chavo made it clear he did not appreciate the help and jawed with Eddie a bit.
• Brock Lesnar beat Chris Benoit by ref's decision/KO in what was roundly described as an excellent, PPV-caliber bout.  Great grappling for about 15 mintues before they went to the climax.  A ref bump set things up, as Benoit was able to lock in the Crossface, and Lesnar actually tapped out.  But no ref to see it.  Crowd was getting hot, now, really behind Benoit, and really riding Lesnar.  Benoit released the hold to rouse the official, but this gave Lesnar time to recover.  When Benoit came back to the fight, Lesnar regained control, and hit an F-5.  The ref was in Extra Drama Slow Motion, allowing Benoit to kick out at 2 and 99/100ths, however.  Ref needed another respite, though, which allowed Lesnar to grab a steel chair and use it to soften up Benoit's leg.  And then, he went into rabid submission mode: he obviously wanted to make Benoit tap out.  He used every imaginable submission hold (and some very cool-looking and creative ones, too, I gather).  But Benoit would not tap.  Instead, once Lesnar locked in a particularly vicious looking hold, Benoit simply passed out from the pain, and the ref had to give the match to Lesnar.  Lesnar wasn't happy that he didn't get the tap out he wanted, but he took it nonetheless, and left the ring.  Don't know if they'll keep the show going long enough on Thursday to show it, but apparently, Benoit got a HUGE ovation after he "regained consciousness" following the match.  Somebody please tell me why they blew this match on a Thursday night, but they're holding back on the Lesnar/Holly match that nobody could give two shits about?  Ah hell, that's a tangent for another day...  great main event for free, that's the real story here.

Check out the shows on TV, or just come on back here to OO following their airdates.  We've always got the recaps and the analysis for you!
 

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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