by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Want to spoil the last fresh TV you'll get for a few weeks, then read on.  Otherwise, be like a good little OO-ite, and hit BACK and be surprised like everybody else.

Here we go... as compiled from e-mail reports:

Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• In dark matches: both Mideon (singles match) and Bart Gunn (tag match with Jim Steele) were victorious... both are from the area, neither is expected to get a job as a result of these try-outs.
• Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak beat Val Venis and Lance Storm.
• Victoria beat Ivory in a #1 Contender's Match; Molly watched the entire match, and afterwards, attacked Victoria (who had the crowd, but no Steven Richards, solidly behind her by the end).
• Hurricane and Rosey beat local wrestlers the Shane Twins.
• Steven Richards beat Test.

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

• In dark matches: Mideon and Bart Gunn were again involved (both in tag matches), and there was also a third dark match featuring the Ever Popular Two Guys.
• Tajiri beat Paul London (non-title match).  Good, but not what you might be hoping for after London and Spanky's rave weekend house show reviews.
• Matt Morgan beat Funaki.  Nothing but a squash.
• Johnny Stamboli.  A little more than a squash.  But only a little.
• Kidman and Ultimo Dragon beat Akio and Sakoda in an excellent Velocity Match of the Week.  Shooting Star Press by Kidman onto Sakoda for the win.

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• After a video package from the week before (mostly covering Rey/Lesnar and Holly's surprise appearance), John Cena came out to the ring and did a Holiday Freestyle for the fans...  and then Cena settled in at ringside with Tazz and Cole.
• Big Show beat Orlando Jordan in a glorified squash match.  The real purpose here, I think, was to have Cena talk up the feud with Show and to have Show come over to the table a few times to argue with Cena.  It was announced that they Cena vs. Show for the US Title will take place on the Christmas Night From Iraq edition of SD!, so....
• Backstage: Bob Holly arrives at the building, and tells security he was summoned by Paul Heyman.  So he's escorted into the building.
• Promo time.  Paul Heyman, with all of Team Lesnar (minus Show), is in the ring.  He's here to give A-Train a hard time about losing to Shannon Moore last week.  Lesnar also expresses his disappointment in Train, and Morgan reminds us all that he bet and lost a ton of money on Train in that match.  Heyman eventually reveals he has an Idea tonight.  Since the Board of Directors is pestering him about suspending Hardcore Holly, and since A-Train needs to prove himself to his teammates, he's putting together a little match.  First he says it's A-Train and Matt Morgan vs. Holly, with Holly being re-instated only if he wins.  But then Heyman does something odd: he adds Shannon Moore as Holly's partner, in the interest of fairness.
• The Bashams retain the Tag Titles in a Fatal Fourway Match over Rikishi/Scotty, Los Guerreros, and the World's Greatest Tag Team.  Don't know why they made it a four-way when last week, it was just Rikishi and Scotty getting the show.  Wonder what that did for the FBI's numbers operation?  Finish had everybody but the Bashams and Guerreros powdering out... Eddie had the match in hand, and then turned things over to Chavo.  Chavo hit a superplex on one Basham, but the other was waiting, and splashed Chavo from the top rope as he landed, and got the quick pinfall.  A good, not great, 12-15 minute match.
• Backstage: somebody remembered that Dawn Marie was trying to distract Paul Heyman with boobies two weeks ago, and put her back doing that shtick this week.  But Heyman's still all business, and says he's got a great idea for SD!: he has a giant tumbler with balls in it, each with the name of a different superstar.  Tonight, Brock Lesnar will defend his title against a TOTALLY RANDOM member of the SD! roster.  Smell the ratings!
• Alleged Comedy Segment:  it's time for the Cat to come on down and eat up some time.  He's intro'ed by Lamont the Butler, does a spiel very similar to last week, even brings out Sable again, who protests again and then.... ah, finally, something fresh.  But ah, dammit, it's Vince McMahon making his victorious return to TV after a month of sweet, sweet McMahon-free viewing.  But not to worry, Vince is here to play the buffoon for us.  He boasts about all the things he's good at: promoting, wrestling, businessing.... loving....  even: dancing.  Hit Cat's music.  Vince proceeds to bust a minute or so's worth of groan-tastic moves.  Cat is impressed with Vince's enthusiasm, if not his actual steps, and tries to join in the fun.  But that's when Vince stops to watch, moves behind the Cat, and kicks him in the nuts.  Ahhh, he's still a bad-ass and not a buffoon afterall.  Sable is his, dammit, and they leave together as the Cat writhes.  One vote for "funny" and one vote for "stupid" in the two reports I got.  My guess: it's both, if that makes any sense.
• Rey Mysterio beat Jamie Noble to earn a shot at the Cruiserweight Title.  In this #1 Contender's Match, Noble started off clearly a babyface doing the Mutual Respect thing with Rey.  But by the end, he did the dick move of trying to use Nidia as a pawn like two weeks ago.  This time, after he shoved Nidia into Rey, Rey wasn't quite distracted enough, though, and he reversed Noble's finisher and hit the West Coast Pop for the win.  Definitely a vibe that Noble would be going heel in the final minutes and post-match, here.  This match was said to be more exciting than the tag match while it lasted, but was also only about 6-7 minutes long....
• Backstage: Josh Matthews interviews Bob Holly about the "all or nothing" match tonight.
• Chris Benoit beat Chuck Palumbo.  After the ref dismissed the other FBI members, Palumbo still stayed on offense for a few minutes before inevitably getting schooled by Benoit.  Maybe 5 mintues long, all told, and Benoit won with the Crossface.  After the match, the rest of the FBI came on out, and beat the shit out of Benoit, who sold it in the ring for a long time before leaving.  All I can say is: Whhaaaa? Benoit vs. the FBI?  They're pissed about what?  Him losing them money in that match against Lesnar?  I don't get it....
• Backstage: Nidia is getting checked out by trainers when Rey comes in to check on her.  She's angry at first, because Jamie told her Rey was the one that shoved her (into the ref), but Rey explains what really happened.  Nidia doesn't want to believe it, not even when Rey explains in Spanish, and she tells Rey to leave.
• Faarooq beat Rhyno by DQ.  Match started as Rhyno came to the ring and called out Bradshaw (why?  you've beaten him twice, Rhyno!), but Faarooq came out instead.  Rhyno hadn't prepared for this, and so a few minutes in, just blatantly uppercut Faarooq in the balls to get DQ'ed.  Whoop-de-freaking-do.
• Backstage: Paul is preparing for the TOTALLY RANDOM WWE Title Match, and is heading to the ring talking to Dawn.
• In the ring, Paul has the tumbler, and puts over that ANYone could challenge Brock in just a few minutes.  Brock comes out to pick his opponent personallly.  He reaches in, pulls out a ball... and hands it to Paul, who looks crestfallen.  "Oh, this isn't fair.... but, oh well, the balls have spoken," is the vibe Paul gives off.  Paul announces that Shannon Moore had better come on down and face Brock Lesnar!
• Brock Lesnar crushed Shannon Moore, making him tap out to the Brock Lock (boo on the name!) in a few minutes.  After the match, Brock went to ringside and grabbed a mic.  He talked about Shannon's poor luck, about how now he's gotta wrestle another match with Bob Holly's career on the line, about how it just had to be HIS name that came out of the tumbler.  "I mean, it could have been anyone," Brock says as he reached in for another ball.  "Like:  Shannon Moore."  Reaching for another ball: "Or Shannon Mooore."  Another ball: "Maybe even Shannon Moore."  Got the picture?  Good....
• Holly and Moore beat Matt Morgan and A-Train in the Unlikeliest SmackDown! Main Event in the Entire History of Time and Space.  It's Veloci-tastic!  Except that there's the whole storyline with Holly and Lesnar, so maybe it'll work.  I don't know.  Moore was still KO'ed in the ring as the match started, and Lesnar stayed at ringside, too.  Heels instantly isolate on Moore to force him to start the match.  So the heel beat down lasts a few minutes, and then the hot tag comes to Holly.  He cleans house, but Lesnar briefly throws a wrench in the works by hitting Holly with a chair.  But A-Train and Morgan can't put him away.  And then, end game: Train and Morgan try to double-team Holly, but Train accidently kicks Morgan in the face.  While Moore occupies Lesnar, Holly hit the Alabama Slam on Morgan to get the unlikely pinfall.  Yay!  The show might end here.  Or it might end after Lesnar comes in and KO's both Morgan and Train (crowd cheered for this, and any jack-ass could have predicted that, so please, let this NOT be a face turn for Team Lackey).  Or it might even end after that, when Holly came back out and attacked Brock to stand alone in the ring.  Three possible ending points to the show.  I'd guess the second one, if the FBI would be interested in taking my money.

No serious complaints about the show, which had some bona fide highlights.  It's just that neither report made it sound like the main event was a satisfying conclusion to the night.  Well, what do you expect when A-Train is the closest thing to a main event wrestler you've got in your final match?  We'll have to see how WWE hypes it and makes it come across on TV tomorrow night....

Check it out or come on back to OO Friday for recap and analysis.
 

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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