by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

The deal was this: there's this place called the Timeout, where I'm not exactly a regular, but where I'd somehow wormed my way onto the White List.  At least till a new bartender took over this past summer.  Resulting in my jokingly bitching about my lost Preferred Customer Status in an allegedly humorous Non-Wrestling Award in my 2003 Honor Roll.  But I end up there over the weekend, get up to the bar, and the new guy's all like "Maker's, right?" out of nowhere, and had a nice big one ready for me, post haste.  That never happened before.  Then, who should sneak up on me but Melissa, who used to tend the bar there, before she moved away to win herself a spot on the "Most Disappointing News Item (Bar and Tavern Division") list...  I stared blankly for a moment, got my bearings, and utilized the gift of idiot small talk to discern she was just back for a holiday visit.  Luckily, some disused shred of good judgment kept me from blurting out about how I had, after two years of commendably innocuous good customership, essentially named her ass my second favorite bartender of 2003 just days before on the grounds that she was supposed to be like a thousand miles away and I'd never have to be held accountable.  Then I finished my drink and thanked the new guy.  Then I got out of dodge before anything else weird could happen.  With my luck, the next logical progression would have been Mark Henry waiting for me out in the parking lot to discuss my "Worst Wrestler" choices....

I don't know what happened at the Timeout that night, but if it was some sort of karmic realignment brought on by my ill-advised comments here, then maybe there's hope....  I mean, the real reason I put that category in there was in hopes that somebody at the Hills would get the freaking message that I deserve better treatment.  I'm in that place like 3 times a week.  The part about the Timeout was just a diversion to keep it from looking too obvious...

Actually, one thing I don't have to use as a diversion here today is an abundance of stupid blathering...  because today is a Column in Two Parts bursting at the seams with goodness.  One part will be a RAW Recap, the other a catch-up on important news as we head towards the New Year.  Enjoy.

RAW RECAP: 2003 IN MICROCOSM

Last night's show was almost EXACTLY representative of what the brand has been through in 2003.  When it was good, it was amazing and riveting TV.  When it was lazy, it left you wondering exactly what the creative team is doing in its spare time.  And when it was outright bad, well, at least it didn't stay that way for TOO long.

Obviously, all talk of RAW begins and ends with the excellent HHH vs. HBK main event...  well, actually, more accurately, it ends with that.  Because this is a recap, and we must start at the top, first.  So here goes...

Video Package: Everything from the Foley/Orton storyline is recapped from 2 weeks ago.  But c'mon: you were there, weren't you?

Opening theme/montage/pyro/etc., and a welcome from Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler is all about making sure we know about tonight's 2 pronged ratings draw: (1) Steve Austin's fate is decided tonight (back at Titan Tower) and (2) Shawn Michaels challenges Triple H for the World Title.

PROMO KILLER, RANDY ORTON

Entering to Mick Foley's music for the cheap heat, Randy Orton hit the ring and declared that after two weeks of reflection, he has decided that Mick Foley IS a coward for walking out on RAW.  But he's a SMART coward, because what Orton would have done to him in their match would have been much worse than the humiliation of being a quitter.  His two weeks of reflecting also brought to his attention the fact that no official announcement was ever made about the winner of that match two weeks ago, so he drags Lillian Garcia in to announce that Randy was the winner, still IC Champ, and also the "new Hardcore Legend" over Foley.

Enter Booker T.  Booker thinks Randy should worry less about guys who aren't there and more about guys who are.  Guys like Booker T, for instance, who thinks having the IC Title might be pretty neat-o.  Before Orton can say anything, Mark Henry lumbers out from behind, and waylays Booker.  After Henry has left Booker fully destroyed, Orton grabs a mic, walks out to the entrance ramp, stands over Booker, and says, "OK, I accept the challenge."

Backstage: Henry and Teddy Long are walking when Eric Bischoff intercepts them and says he really doesn't need headaches like the ones they're causing, what with all the stress he's already under tonight.  He asks them to leave the building, but only after promising that once this week is past, he'll gladly remember that thing he said 2 months ago and grant Mark his Survivor Series Wish.  Mark Henry's Wish, LIVE, next week, only on RAW!  Smell the ratings!

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ROB VAN DAM vs. SCOTT STEINER

Man, I remember thinking 3 months ago that this might be an IC Title feud that'd have legs.  Now, it's a throw-away on RAW, and not even a particularly good one.  The nature of both guys meant this didn't really click in a lot of spots, including a few outright bungled things.  There was even a scary moment when it looked like Steiner WAY under-rotated on a belly-to-belly superplex, and  RVD landed more on his neck and shoulder than on his back, but everybody was OK, and life went on.  In fact, it was when Steiner went for another superplex that RVD made his come back: shoved Steiner off the ropes, came at him with a leaping sidekick, and then went to the other turnbuckle to hit the Five Star Frog Splash for the win.  About 7 minutes long, but one of those times when I wound up wishing it had been less.

Heart Break Klassic #1: Shawn Michaels wins his 2nd WWF Title in San Antonio (his hometown and site of tonight's show) by beating Sid Vicious at the Royal Rumble '97.

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Corporately Sponsored Video Clip of the Night: two weeks ago, in the heat of the moment, Jericho shoved Christian down in his attempt to check on Trish.  Then later in the night, Christian repaid him by shoving Jericho down instead of helping Jericho after a match with Kane.

Backstage: Christian is getting up in Jericho's face about not being himself lately, about shoving him for no reason last week.  Jericho counters by trying to explain it was a stupid match that they shouldn't have been in, anyway.  Christian's only response is that after everything they've been through, he can't believe that Jericho is leaving him for A Girl.  Eewwwww, that's right, Christian, they have COOTIES!  

Live Via Satellite: Jonathan Coachman is back at WWE Headquarters in Stamford, CT, where the Board of Directors will -- in Board Room 428, no less -- be deciding the fate of Steve Austin later tonight.  Linda McMahon will speak on behalf of Austin.  And against Austin will be...  oh, my, here's Vince McMahon showing up.  And he confirms that yes, he will be taking the anti-Austin stance.  When Coach actually tries to makes some sense of the situation by asking why Vince doesn't just act unilaterally (like he does every week on SD!), Vince attempts to convince us that, as a publically traded company, WWE can't have him going around making decisions all on his own like that, so he'll just convince the Board and they'll get rid of Austin through the proper channels.  And no, this isn't personal and has nothing to do with what happened in Iraq, Vince assures us.

Whatta Segue: that takes us directly into a quickly-introduced music video montage of SD! in Iraq, completely with the very same "before and after" Saddam footage that had me shaking my head last week.  Whatever....

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DUDLEY BOYZ vs. TWO GUYS

But it's not your regular squash match.  No sir.  First, during introductions, their show us an "earlier today" interview with the Dudleys in which Bubba confides that he now thinks Mick Foley is a coward.  And second, your special referee for this match: Ric Flair.  We barely get underway when Flair finds a reason to DQ Bubba at about the 1 minute mark (for using a closed fist).  Your winners: Two Guys!  When The Duds try to go after Flair, Batista runs out and attacks.  D-Von eats a spinebuster, Bubba a powerbomb.  Worthless as a wrestling match, but story-wise, it clearly sets up Duds vs. Evolution for the tag belts which ain't a total loss.

HBKlassic #2:  Michaels returns at SummerSlam 2002, and beats Triple H.

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Backstage: Eric Bischoff has assembled the referees, and tells them that he really likes what Ric Flair did out there in the Dudleys' match.  He suggests that bringing back law and order might be a good thing for refs to do in the future....

Via Satellite, Again: Coach is lingering outside of 428, and catches Vince McMahon on his way out. He says he spoke very eloquently about Austin, that he gave Austin credit for everythig he's done, and that he even respects that the fans came out in droves to get Austin back.  But he likens himself to a father and the fans to children who would eat candy 24 hours a day if they had their way: it's his job to stop them from doing that and to give them a better alternative even if they don't know it's better.  This was Good Vince.  Well, actually, it was Evil Vince, but it was very good Evil Vince.  You know what I mean.

Backstage: Terri is interviewing Trish, Lita, and Stacy about their Holiday Gimmick Match (which involves dressing in red Santa-inspired outfits, and little else, apparently) when suddenly the squealing of tires interrupts them.  Steve Austin's pick-up (driven by Steve Austin himself) backs into the frame, causing the girls to scatter.  Terri, realizing she is a Broadcast Journalist with a Job To Do, gathers her wits and approaches the vehicle to ask Austin what he's doing here.  Austin produces a cell phone and says he's just waitin' for a phone call.

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Backstage: Austin is still waiting, and fidgeting, which is actually kind of funny in that "attention to deal" sort of way.

RANDY ORTON vs. BOOKER T (IC Title Match)

After a quick start by Booker, Orton settled in as they told the story of "Booker is already beat down thanks to Mark Henry"...  crowd immediately went to sleep.  D'oh.  Booker's comeback came at about the 5 minute mark, but just as he was about to set up for the scissors kick and get the win, Kane's pyro hit.  The distraction was enough for Orton to regain his senses, sneak up behind a confused Booker, and hit the RKO for a cheap pinfall win.  Then Orton got the fuck out of dodge, leaving Booker as easy pickin's for Kane.  Kane, for reasons entirely his own, beat down Booker's limp carcass, culminating in a chokeslam.  The match was six minutes of pure mediocrity, and the post-match angle with Kane just re-inforces the ideas that (a) nobody's paying any attention to Booker (is he feuding with Henry?  Chasing the IC belt?  Starting something with Kane?), and that (b) Kane's just wasting time until the Rumble and the return of Taker.  Bleh.

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HBKlassic #3: Michaels wins the World Title in the Elimination Chamber at Survivor Series 2002, pinning Triple H.  Noticing a trend in these?

Via Satellite #3: This time, Coach catches Linda McMahon exiting #428.  Linda says she spoke on Austin's behalf because Austin brings balance to RAW's power structure.  Coach insinuated she still had a personal grudge against Eric Bischoff, but Linda said that's not true, that she really thinks having Austin to balance Bischoff's self-serving policies is best for business, and it'll be up to the board to decide, now.

Backstage:  Jericho tracks down Trish Stratus, and says it's great to see her, that he'd been trying to get in touch with her since 2 weeks ago, but Trish hasn't responded (hey, you know another reason why I kind of like this angle: Jericho at least TRIES to convince us that these characters exist outside of 2 hours each Monday night).  Anyway, it's good to see her tonight, and he knows Trish has a match next, and he just wants to give her a late Christmas gift.  Trish briefly feigns being touched by the gesture, but switches gears and goes into "You really think a Christmas present is going to make me forget that you used me in a one dollar bet?" Mode.  Not afraid to crap on her own currency, Trish even says that's more like seventy-five cents, American.  Tee hee.  But sadly, for us the Home Viewers, she didn't stay in smart-ass/get-lost mode... when Jericho could not answer the (rhetorical?) question "What were you trying to get out of our relationship?", Trish jumped in with "Well, I'll tell you what I got:  I got [insert begin of weeping]....  my heart broken."  Oh, good lord, please step away from the dialogue, and fetch me some wine to go with this cheese.  Trish goes on about how Jericho won't ever change and she's not falling for any Christmas present or whatever.  Jericho tries to settle her down and says he just made a mistake.  "No," Trish says, "I made the mistake."  And she walks away.  

What went wrong here?  Well, starting with Christian acting like he's in third grade earlier, and continuing through Trish's "even though this all happened a month ago, I'm still gonna be in over-dramatic mode" monologue, Jericho's the only one who comes out of tonight looking halfway normal and sane.  And it's probably because, essentially, he didn't open his mouth tonight; if he had, it would likely have been more of the same off-the-written-page dialogue that plagued Christian and Trish.  Sorry, but I get annoyed when I see hackneyed, stilted lines coming up Fifth Avenue, and let's just say I was about 10 seconds ahead of Trish on the "I got... my heart broken" thing.  Seriously: Christian is 30-something and shouldn't care if his buddy wants to settle down with a good girl.  And Trish would be well within her rights, over a month after the fact, to still be mad, snarky, and suspicious of Jericho, but still being weepy and displaying her upset with over-dramatic speeches that would make the hacks writing for a WB Teen Drama blush does her no favors.  I'm not entirely sure WHAT that noise was that the crowd made towards the second half of Trish's speech, but I THINK it was probably related in some way to the muttered "Goddammit, this is what I was afraid of" that was heard in my living room.  Worst of all is that the "Trish made the mistake" punchline is absolutely the right one, the genuine one; but they took a totally retarded route to get there.  Which is just enough to get me, even with all my bitching, to tag along for another week of this ride.... damn them.

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Backstage: Austin's waiting, and his phone rings... but we eavsedrop and quickly determine that it's NOT the call he was waiting for.

TRISH STRATUS, LITA, and STACY KEIBLER vs. MOLLY HOLLY, VICTORIA, and JACKIE GAYDA (Everybody Dresses in Santa-Type Costumes Match)

Stacy starts, hits a few leg-related moves so we can look up her Mrs. Claus skirt, and then starts getting pounded by Molly and Victoria.  So Stacy tags out, and after a total of 45 seconds, that's the end of your T&A.  Well, almost: Molly (who admittedly could have found something more flattering than her hotel room's drapery to wrestle in) bore the brunt of ongoing "granny panties" comments from You Know Who.  Nothing really clicked here, and although they tried to make the latter stages play like a straight wrestling match and not a T&A display, it didn't really get on the same page.  When Victoria, for reasons unexplained, yanked her partner Jackie out of the ring, it only added to the sense of barely-contained chaos, since the announcers didn't do their jobs and get the point of Victoria being nutso across at that point.  Finish was Trish pinning Molly with a Stratusfaction Bulldog at about the 3 minute mark.  

After the match: Trish, Lita, and Stacy left the ring in celebration, leaving Victoria to grab the women's title belt and bring it into the ring for Molly....  or did she?  Nah, she didn't.  As soon as Molly was on her feet, Victoria pasted her with the title belt and seemed to indicate her own attraction to the championship.  Crowd was digging it.  Match may have been a big fat nothing (if it was a wrestling match, why not Ivory instead of Stacy?  and if it was a T&A match, how about some, you know, T or A? trying to be both, it ended up being neither), but you had Trish pinning the champ and Victoria turning face on the champ, so that's some pretty interesting stuff, there.

Backstage: Austin is waiting, and his phone rings again... and this time, it's the Board of Directors.  From Austin's side of the conversation, we quickly learn that Austin is back on RAW.  But it's as co-General Manager again.  Which Austin had previously, we learn, refused as an option.  It was to be his way or nothing at all.  So Austin tells the Board to take the co-GM job and shove it.  Austin hangs up and peels out of the parking lot in his truck.  JR and King waste no time theorizing that this may have been the exact sort of outcome that Vince McMahon had hoped for: handing Austin a job he knew Austin would never accept.

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Ring Entrances: amidst more Austin talk, both Shawn Michaels and Triple H make their entrances for tonight's main event.  But that's all we get before more...

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TRIPLE H vs. SHAWN MICHAELS (World Title Match)

It's only about 10:40pm (eastern) when the match gets underway, so either we got us a possible classic in the making, or tonight ends with a Main Event Angle.  Or maybe, he said knowingly, both...

First part of the match is the purest old school stuff.  Headlocks, armbars, and the like.  Though the remainder of the match would also be just as at home in 1973 as in 2003, this opening 10 minutes felt particularly as if Michaels and HHH had set out to do everything by the book and use no gimmicks, no bells and whistles, no nothing.  Kind of interesting to see them work like this, even if you know that it's not the typical ***** non-stop wrestling action you're supposed to like.  This segment ended with the one really big High Spot of the match: Michaels being back body-dropped over the turnbuckle and to the floor (no hands bump).  That left both men in a bad way, and opened the door for some....

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When we come back, we've entered the second 10 minutes, and things pick up a bit.  Less back and forth technical wrestling, and more of settling in with the psychology and story of the match, which is HHH taking advantage of HBK's big bump to target the back and shoulder of the challenger. Pretty good stuff here, except that I hate the Abominable Stretch (it's the one "rest hold" that actually looks the most like two guys just resting), and that wound up being the move that Hunter went to when it was time for Shawn to HBK-Up. Once Shawn fired up and got out of that, it was basically time for the final 10 minutes of End Game.  Michaels hit a big heat sequence coming out of the submission hold, and before long had locked HHH into a Figure Four leglock.  However, thanks to Flair, HHH was able to escape that one.  From here, they hit another spot or two before doing not one, but TWO of the double knock-down spots (where the ref is counting both men out).  Gave us a good feel of being right at the very end of the match.  But we weren't.  When Michaels warmed things up for the Sweet Chin Music, Flair directed enough traffic that we instead got a ref bumps.  Uh oh.  HHH and Flair have free reign, and they capitalize with a DDT on Michaels, and then HHH whacks him with the World Title belt for good measure just before ref Earl Hebner comes to his senses.  HHH makes the cover, and... NO, he kicked out!  Nice one, I was buying that as the finish.  More back and forth for about a minute, then HHH is ready to set up the Pedigree, but Michaels reverses out of it.  Only problem: in doing so, he crashed into the ref again, sending Earl flying out of the ring.  He's done.  HHH tried to take advantage again, but removing the turnbuckle pad in one corner.  Meantime, Eric Bischoff had sprinted out to deal with the ref situation.  Inside the ring, Michaels reversed HHH into the exposed steel turnbuckle (HHH, in the only false note of the match, did the shittiest ultra-obvious bladejob I can recall seeing out of him... or do I blame the production truck?).  HHH is down.  Michaels makes the cover.  Bischoff... whips off his jacket and gets in the ring to count?  Yep.  But it's only a 2 by the time he gets in there.  Bischoff, however, looks intent on calling it straight down the middle.  More back and forth, more near falls for each guy (Bischoff counting straight for each one).  Final spot was HHH missing a spot off the top rope, allowing Michaels an opening to hit the superkick from nowhere.  Michaels fell on top of HHH, his lower back across HHH's chest.  Bischoff surveyed the situation, dropped down, and counted to three.  HBK's music plays and the crowd goes wild!

But wait: after the match, Eric Bischoff grabs the title belt away from Michaels, and announces that HHH is still the champ.  Check that footage: Michaels fell across HHH, but did so with both his own shoulders touching the mat, too.  So Bischoff counted a double pin, and in that situation, as Shawn should know all-too-well (wink wink nudge nudge), the champion retains the title.  Michaels is pissed, and wants to take a shot at Bischoff, but Flair intercepts him.  So Michaels ends up taking down both Flair and Bischoff, and then leaves the ring.  Bischoff grabs a mic and says that because of his behavior, Michaels hasn't just lost the match, he's now lost his job.  But just when all seems lost....

*KEEE-RASH*

Steve Austin comes on out and grabs a mic.  He says that not only does Shawn Michaels have his job back, he's also going to get a rematch against Triple H.  How is this possible?  Because Austin's now back under HIS TERMS, and that, Eric Bischoff, means "There's a new sherriff in town."  Stunner to Bischoff!  And we're out (about 7 minutes later than usual).

Final Thoughts: Main event was flat-out awesome, and I was right to be concerned about HBK/HHH making a late play for "Match of the Year" love... didn't quite make it up to that point, but it sure did make for a fourth RAW entry into my own personal Top 10 of the Year list.  Dusty Finish and all, it was a very exciting 30 minutes of TV, and should make their eventual rematch all the more dramatic as a result.

It's just too bad that nothing else on the show came even close to matching HHH/HBK.  Austin's return, for one, was a particularly frustrating bit of storytelling.  If you've been paying attention to my griping over the last month since they started the mega-lazy "petition" thing, you knew this was something I'd feared: given a chance to re-introduce Austin with a cool, interesting storyline or possibly into an intriguing new role, it seems like they just decided to put minimal thought into the angle, and have put Austin right back in where he started 6 weeks ago.  Not only is it boring and lazy TV today, but it also retroactively reduces the importance of the Team Austin/Team Bischoff feud.  Just annoying all around, to me.

Jericho/Trish/Christian was a misfire this week...  RVD/Steiner and Orton/Booker were matches that SHOULD have been good, but which just came off very flat and bland due to the way they were set up (half-assedly)....  the women's match and tag match were very effective as storytelling devices, I thought, which is a plus, but both were minuses in terms of the action...

Overall, RAW perfectly summarized it's entire year in one 2 hour package: it was all over the place.  Really good, really frustrating, and moving between the two at about a thousand miles per hour.  That's RAW for you...

Some NewsBites

• Don't have a ton of extra stuff for you today, but since I'm not gonna have time for a regular OO tomorrow, I'll pick through what news there is for you today, alright?
   
  
• The rating for last week's SD! was a 3.0 broadcast rating, which is actually only a drop of 0.4 from the week before, and ABOVE the rating SD! did for Thanksgiving night.  I don't know if it was the Iraq gimmick or the lack of any other networks programming any first-run material or what, but WWE and UPN have to be very pleased with the showing.
   
  
• Over the weekend, former WWF and WCW star Dick Slater was arrested on charges of attempting to murder his (ex-)girlfriend (reports are they had just broken up).  Slater was found at his home in the midst of an apparent suicide attempt, and taken into custody by police in South Florida.
   
  Slater was "Dirty Dick" in WCW, and a tag team champion for the company about 10-12 years ago.  In the late 80s WWF, he was "The Rebel" Dick Slater, and was mostly a mid-card babyface.
   
  You can see the full newspaper report from Tampa right here.
   
  
• WWE.com has posted a new interview with Kurt Angle that essentially confirms everything we've been talking about for the past month: that Angle's gonna be back in the ring by the Royal Rumble and ready to get back to wrestling a full schedule.
  
  But according to the interview, the problem is that we HADN'T been talking about that, or something.  I don't know... there's a very snippy undertone to the whole thing, as the article acts like the Internet has been reporting that Angle will have to retire or seriously curtail his ringwork as a result of this latest neck injury, and that they are going on the offensive to correct that rumor.  
   
  See, WWE.com, that's what you get for reading websites other than OO.  
   
  
• Speaking of OO, the plan is basically this: I'll throw 2 or 3 new things up here early tomorrow (including the conclusion of the Canadian Bulldog's 2003 Recap and SD! Spoilers).  Thursday will be a big fat nothing here.  Friday, well, hopefully Friday will be the day that I get the Consensus OO Awardies fully tabulated and posted.
   
  We've had 8 OO-ites chime in with ballots, and might still squeeze one or two more in there...  there are a couple categories that are looking tantalizingly close.  What I'll be doing is coming up with consensus winner in all 30 categories, listing the other vote getters, and then including maybe 2 or three quick-hitting comments for each category from various individual ballots.  You know, in case y'all were lazy and didn't actually read all the individual Honor Rolls.
   
  Man alive, and then Monday....  I shudder to think, but next Monday, gods willing, will begin the Full 20-Something part OO 2003 Year in Review Month-by-Month Greatest Reference Item of All Times (Since the 2002 Year in Review, At Least).  Also on Monday should begin the resumption of normal programming here at OO.
   
  Question mark of the week: has The Rick decided to do a Fantasy Universe leading up to WrestleMania XX, or was all that talk 3 weeks ago just smoke and mirrors?
   
  Stay tuned to OO to find out.....
   
  
• OK, everyone: that is all from here.  Fresh stuff here at OO tomorrow.  Nothing Thursday.  More new on Friday.  
   
  Have fun and be safe tomorrow night.  My New Years' Resolution: to not be KO'ed in a pool of my own blood within the first five hours of the year this year.  Oh, and my New Years' Resolution EVERY YEAR: to avoid all Jimmy Buffet for as long as humanly possible (best performance: made it till May in 2000).
   
  See you in the oh-four! 

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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