by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

You clicked this, you know what you're getting, so here it is:

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Val Venis and Lance Storm beat Some Guy and Kevin "OVW's Seven" Somethingorother in a dark match
• Mark Jindrak and Garrison Cade beat Hurricane and Rosey
• Rob Conway avenged his partner's recent loss with a pinfall win over Spike Dudley
• Rico beat Tommy Dreamer due to Miss Jackie whacking Dreamer with his own kendo stick
• Scott Steiner ended Steven Richards winning streak, and after the match Test joined in for a 2-on-1 beat down; no Victoria (she's selling the big boot from 2 Mondays ago)

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

• Paul London beat Akio in a dark match (more on London's partner Spanky in today's OO)
• Billy Kidman beat Some Guy
• Ultimo Dragon beat Shannon Moore in the consensus "Best of Velocity" match
• Matt Morgan beat Orlando Jordan in a not-very-exciting match
• Bradshaw beat A-Train in an only-slightly-more-exciting match (overall, not said to be one of Velocity's "must-see" efforts, not that many of us are scheduling our Saturday nights around it even on the good weeks...)

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• Opening promo duties fall to Paul Heyman, who quickly cuts to the chase: because of the unworthy punks over on RAW, he only has 15 slots in the Royal Rumble match.  So tonight, we will have several matches where the winners earn a shot in the Rumble, and the losers will be forced onto the sidelines.  With the talk turning to the Rumble and who earned their way in, John Cena decides to make an entrance, and cuts a freestyle on Paul E. (getting a nice "Ooooooh, he didn't just go there!" pop for threatening to bounce Paul "like an ECW pay check").  Words are exchanged, and the hostilities escalate to the point that Cena actually physically attacks Heyman... but out comes Rhyno to make the save.  Rhyno ends up Gore-ing (Goring?  Goering?) Cena to leave him lying at the end of the segment.
• In a re-do of last week's attempted #1 Contender Match, Jamie Noble upended Tajiri to get a Cruiserweight Title shot against Rey Mysterio at the Rumble PPV.  Match featured Tajiri getting aid from Akio and Sakoda, but in the end, Rey (who had been doing commentary) balanced the sides by helping Noble.  Of course, as soon as Rey jumped in and neutralized the baddies, Noble turned on him, and then quickly utilized Nidia as a prop (threw her into Tajiri's path) to get the cheap pinfall win over Tajiri.  After the match, Noble feigned concern and helped Nidia to the back....  [Seriously, my inner Pete Rose is itching for some action:  $100 says Nidia swerves Rey at the PPV, turns out not to be blind, and helps Noble win the CW Title.]
• Backstage: Heyman says he's had enough of John Cena's foul mouth, and decides to book a match later tonight: Cena vs. Rhyno in a first ever Loser Gets His Mouth Washed Out With Soap Match.  Oooooooo-kay.  Added stip: Heyman's so confident in Rhyno that if Rhyno loses Paul E. will have his mouth washed out.
• Backstage: Big Show is selling a neck injury from last week, and says that he's got a match tonight, and he doesn't want to see Bob Holly anywhere near him.  He even got a 50 foot restraining order against Holly.  At this, Lesnar pops in and says he'll be "right next to" Show all night acting as extra security against Holly.  The inference, I'm assuming, is that Lesnar's a coward and if he's "next to" Show all night, then Holly can't come within 50 feet of him, either.  Clever, actually.
• Backstage: after a big recap of last week's break-up of the Guerreros, we see Kurt Angle approach Eddie...  Angle tells Eddie that Chavo did not show up tonight, but Angle got his dad (Eddie's brother) Chavo Sr. to show up and personally apologize for his son's actions.  And further, to make up for his misjudgment last week, Angle also went to Paul Heyman and got him to sign an Eddie vs. Chavo match for the Rumble PPV.  Eddie's sort of indifferent to both proclamations, saying (a) why can't Chavo apologize himself, and (b) he doesn't really want to spill his own nephew's blood.  
• Rikishi and Scotty 2 Hotty come out for a tag team title shot against the Bashams (will it FINALLY happen?)...  but Dawn Marie interrupts as soon as they've made their entrance and says that instead of a tag title match, the two will wrestle each other, and the winner goes into the Rumble match, the loser has nothing to do in two weeks.  Sort of tepid "mutual respect" stuff for a few minutes, then Rikishi develops and edge, and winds up hitting the Banzai Drop for the pinfall win.  No dissension after the match, though.
• A "replacement tag title match" is announced, with the Bashams defending against The World's Greatest Tag Team...  but as soon as all four men are in the ring, Tazz gets on a house mic, and says that he's just been informed that this will be another one-on-one Rumble Qualifying match, with Charlie Haas taking on Doug/Danny Basham (I'm beggin' ya, somebody, please figure out how to tell those two apart when sending in spoiler reports!).  Good match, Haas gets some babyface-ish responses, and wins via (Haas of Pain submission/pinfall of some kind, reports conflict) to earn a Rumble spot.  I'm sure this also sets up a similar match next week with the other Basham vs. Benjamin...
• Chavo Guerrero Sr. hits the ring, and makes  the promised apology for Chavo Jr.'s actions...  eventually, Eddie comes out to face his brother, and again asks why Chavo Jr. couldn't come and apologize himself.  Well, well, cue Chavo Jr's music!  He's here afterall.  And wouldn't you know it, as soon as Eddie turns to confront Chavo Jr., Chavo Sr. pearl harbors him.  Father and son do a wicked number on Eddie for a few minutes until Kurt Angle makes the save....
• The FBI hit the ring, en masse, for an apparent six man tag match... but Dawn Marie again materializes, and announces that Paul Heyman wasn't exactly pleased with them last week (losing to Chris Benoit), so this week, they will have a 3-man Mini-Rumble, and only the winner will go into the actual Rumble match.  D'oh.  Kind of short-ish, with Nunzio being devious by hanging back and letting Palumbo and Stamboli to a lot of the work.  Then, once Palumbo eliminated Stamboli, Nunzio snuck in and tossed Palumbo.  Nunzio goes to the Rumble.
• Backstage: Eddie is steaming mad, and storms up to Kurt Angle.  But he's not mad at Angle.  In fact, he thanks Kurt, tells him that now he realizes that, family or not, he's got to kick Chavo's ass at the Rumble.
• Big Show (in full hilarious Bobby Heenan neck collar, and comically over-selling his neck pain) defeats Funaki in a fun little bit of fluff.  Show didn't do anything more complex than punches, and Funaki seemed to have hope, but nope...  Show clubbered him a big one and won after about 3 minutes.  Of note: Lesnar was at ringside, too, as were a phalanx of coppers.  After the match, Bob Holly came out and stood at the top of the entrance aisle and BEGGED Lesnar to come meet him.  But Lesnar just kept laughing at Big Show's side, behind the assembled police.  
• The Billy Gunn Countdown continued:  #2 Greatest Load Moment is Billy's 1999 King of the Ring win.  Yee haw.
• In the main event, John Cena beat all odds to defeat Rhyno.  Paul Heyman came out before the match and announced that Cena would be subject to all normal WWE rules, but that Rhyno would be permitted to do pretty much whatever he wants without getting DQ'ed (ECW style).  Rhyno managed to use that to his advantage, and controlled much of what was a very good match.  Finish had Rhyno setting up Cena for a Gore through a table... but Cena dodged it, and Rhyno went through the table.  Cena then hit the F-U for the win.  After the match, Heyman tried to escape, but as soon as he got 3/4s of the way up the aisle, Chris Benoit came out and dragged him back to the ring.  Cena and Benoit worked together (Benoit locked in a Sharpshooter, and Cena forcefed the soap) to get Heyman's mouth fully washed out, as per the pre-match stip.  Show will end at some point during the force-feeding, and there were no additional antics for the live crowd.

Sounds like a fun build-toward the Rumble kind of show.  The Noble/Tajiri opener and the main event were both very good and exciting.  Haas/Basham was OK, too; dragging out Chavo Sr. put some extra depth into the Guerreros feud, and the Big Show/Funaki/Lesnar/Holly thing was lots of fun, as well. 

Check it out tomorrow night, or come on back to OO on Friday for the full recap/analysis of the as-aired version of the show.
 

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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