by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Today is gonna have to be a little different.  I will NOT spoil all of SD!, mind you.  But I have to be able to talk about at least a handful of major developments from tapings to do a column today: the new SD! GM and the two trades he made.  I'll be as vague and general as I can about the specifics of the rest of the show, but on those 2 matters, I'm gonna be spoiling some surprises.  If it's any consolation, the only things I'll be spoiling are all announced within the opening 10 minutes of tomorrow night's show.  So the other hour-fifty should be mostly fresh for you.

If you're a super-sensitive type when it comes to spoilers, I guess fine, you can go off and try to find some other website to read till Friday.  But then, come back and read this, dammit!  Everything I do is gold!  But the rest of you, consider this mild inconvenience your penance for getting to enjoy Online Onslaught, where I put the entire day's news on one page instead of making you click around to 15 different pages (3 of which might even be worthwhile) like a jack-ass even if it means that once in a while I wind up putting spoilers in my column.

Admit it: you like it this way.  Here goes:

• Let's get this out of the way....
   
  Last night at SD! tapings, Kurt Angle was introduced as the new General Manager of the SmackDown! brand.  Angle's introduction is a relief on one respect: it means that the Fed didn't just do the obvious and re-install Stephanie McMahon.  But it's kind of a bummer in a much more serious respect: it's the first real indication that Angle's injury status is not all that good and that they want to phase him into a less active role.  I'm assuming this means Angle/Eddie is now OFF for May's PPV, and that Monday's cautious optimism has given way to... well, let's call it cautious caution.  Not putting Angle in harm's way until they 100% know the facts about his neck is surely the safe play.
   
  In addition to being half-relieving and half-bummer-izing, the announcement was also 100% surprising.  And that could end up being either bad or good.  One one hand, it might have been a last second decision and they might not have this thought all the way out.  On the other, hey, everybody likes to be surprised.  I think most kind of assumed that Steph was the "obvious" pick and that if you wanted to go off the beaten path, then the just-traded Teddy Long would make for an excellent GM.  But nobody saw Angle coming at all...
   
  As his first order of business, Angle decided to shape the SD! roster to his liking.  So he announced two trades.
   
  One: SD! sends A-Train and Chuck Palumbo to RAW in exchange for Rico and Miss Jackie.  Alright, so this is a snoozer.  
   
  Two: SD! sends Triple H back to RAW in exchange for Bubba Dudley, D-Von Dudley, and Booker T.  Now this is a block buster, albeit it not necessarily one I agree with.
   
  The purpose of the Lottery?  To shore up SD!'s heel roster.  HHH was gonna go a long way to helping out there.  Plus, his absence from RAW was, in itself, a boon to storytelling (the dangling storylines related to HHH being "lotteried out" of getting closure against Benoit or Michaels could have been used to generate interpromotional angles down the line, and HHH leaving RAW would have set up TONS of possibilities regarding Randy Orton and the future of Evolution).  Instead, HHH is back on RAW, and it's business as usual.  
   
  Everything else?  Eh, Palumbo to RAW breaks up the FBI which I'm not sure is wise given that SD! already lost the World's Greatest Tag Team to the lotto, and they could use somebody else on the heel side in that division.  A-Train to RAW?  Well, if A-Train was the answer to SD!'s heel problem, then I don't want to know the question.  Or however that little cliche goes; point is, it's no skin off my nose to trade him.
   
  Rico's gimmick probably fits better on the entertainment-driven RAW, but he's also got the skills to hang on an athletically-driven show.  And sending Jackie over to SD! is the right play: it brings the lottery back into accordance with the Third Law of Diva Conservation, and reduces the chances of Jackie being asked to, you know, actually have a plausible match.  I'm also fine with the Duds coming over: their biggest problem is that they've been doing the same act for so long, but at least this gives them new people to do it against.  And keeps them with Spike, which is cool.  Booker to SD! is fine, too, basically for the same reason that RVD to SD! was OK with me: the RAW team couldn't figure out what to do with either of them, and SD! can't possibly use him any worse.  So let's give it a whirl.
   
  But none of those feelings come even close to my disappointment with the HHH move.  For all the crap he gets on most websites, this was a time when I really thought HHH was undeniably the right man for the job.  Everything fit perfectly if he went over to SD.  But now, they un-do it...
   
  Again, my goal here is not to spoil anything else from SD! tapings, so I'll just say this: with HHH traded back, with Angle moving into a less-active capacity, with Lesnar gone, and with Big Show's limited status until he can take a few months off to get his knees fixed, this leaves SD! to promote from within on the heel side.
   
  Take a look at what's available (or just take a look at the Spoilers), and tell me if what you see there is particularly compelling.  To me, it's not, really...  and coming off a show that was as hot and as twisty-and-turny as RAW, trying to do a show with what feels like half-a-roster on SD! is bound to come off even weaker, because of the easy comparison.
   
  I made comments in my RAW Recap about how they were, whether intentionally or just by virtue of carelessness, planting the seeds of "RAW is the Big Leagues, SD! is the Minor Leagues" vibe in fans' minds.  With top level heels non-existent, and with the babyface side apparently mis-aligned (more fans at RAW were cheering for Cena than for Eddie), you gotta wonder if SD! might not be stuck with that stigma for real, soon.
   
  Maybe such a perception could be an aid in on-going RAW vs. SD! cross-brand stories, I don't know...  but for now, it seems like SD! didn't really get the help it needed in the Draft Lottery and creation of a supposedly "New WWE."
   
  
• Just for the record, the final roster changes related to the Lottery and subsequent trades are these...
   
  RAW Gets: Edge, Rhyno, Tajiri, Shelton Benjamin, A-Train, Chuck Palumbo, and Nidia.  (Paul Heyman was optioned to RAW, but immediately quit.)
   
  SD! Gets: Rob Van Dam, Booker T, the Dudley Boyz, Rene Dupree, Mark Jindrak, Spike Dudley, Rico, Miss Jackie, and Teddy Long.  (HHH was optioned to SD!, but got traded back to RAW.)
   
  SD! gained more talent (10 people versus 7)...  but I think RAW has the better chance of getting something out of every person they acquired.  I'm not saying they WILL, I'm just saying that at the low end, they'll probably get more out of Nidia and Rhyno than SD! will get out of Teddy, Jindrak, Rico, and Jackie.
   
  We'll have to see, but my instinct after seeing it all hashed out is to make mocking, cynical comments about how these roster moves are pretty lame, and how the biggest development is the non-story of Paul Heyman getting drafted to RAW and then quitting.  At least, it's a non-story for now...
   
  
• Which moves us along to a quick discussion of Monday's RAW, which I really, really liked.  I don't think it's just that I set the bar pretty low, or was too focused on remembering past shitty attempts to do similar things (WWF vs. WCW/ECW or the previous RAW vs. SD! draft)...  I just think they did a really cool job creating a structure for the lottery that let them make a few big, shocking moves without completely altering the distinctiveness of the two brands.
   
  And that's not an unimpressive feat.
   
  The 12 pick lottery was well-paced, and Heyman and Bischoff get huge props from me for being able to completely carry those segments (and by extension, the entire show) so effectively.  The way they integrated the lottery and the inter-brand stuff was excellent, too.  Eddie vs. Triple H as a cool choice for a main event, and the end of the show, with the giant schmozz?  Outstanding.  As compelling a finish to a show as WWE has had in months.
   
  It worked because fans now GENUINELY see a distinction between RAW and SD!.  One that goes beyond "Hey that guy's wearing Red" or "Nice Blue shirt, Billy Gunn."  The Red vs. Blue made for a nice visual, but the reason that finish clicked is because fans have actually accepted that RAW and SD! are different things, not just halves of a homogenous WWE entity.  The way fans responded to Heyman and Bischoff's dick-waving contest about which brand was better (it was a RAW crowd, so Bischoff, for the first time in forever, was accepted as a babyface!) drove that home.  When RAW guys and SD! guys were fighting at the end of the show, that distinctiveness meant that they were fighting over something "real."  Maybe not quite as real as the old RAW vs. Nitro battles, but still something the fans were curious about and wanted to see.
   
  The way they left it hanging was tantalizing.  It's not a scene we should see again any time soon.  But it's a scene that SHOULD be used to set the stage for on-going little teases of interpromotional storytelling until the next time the timing is right to do a huge monster blow-out like this.  If it doesn't, the Fed's blowing it, big time.
   
  You take all that cool stuff on the storyline side, and you toss in some pretty quality wrestling in the final hour of the show, and you've got yourself one pretty satisfied internet jerk-off here in this corner.  I thought Eddie/HHH was extremely well-done, and even though I realize the live crowd (and probably a lot of you) don't agree, I was a huge fan of the intensity of Benoit/Rhyno and would have preferred that they get a few minutes extra (to be taken away from the over-long and never-quite-on-track tag title match).  Point is, sometimes RAW has good in-ring action, sometimes it focuses exclusively on storytelling... on this night, they got the mix exactly right.
   
  I was a huge fan of the show, and you can get my more in-depth analysis and the complete results of every segment (including more of my thoughts on some of the lottery picks and how they'll fit on their new shows) in yesterday's RAW Recap.  If it means anything to you, it's the recap that I've probably put the most time into since I started doing them about a year.  I don't know if that means it's my best one, though I think it is a really good read.  But (due to the nature of the show requiring a lot of explanation) it certainly ended up being my longest.
   
  And bigger is better, right?  
   
  I'll do you the favor of passing on the Big Show/Chicks Dig It Big joke.  So you do me the favor of checking the Recap if you want more RAW Details....  both the cut-and-dry of What Happened and the terribly-insightful of What I Thought About It.
   
  
• What did you, the Home Viewer, think of RAW?  Well, you liked it enough to tune in and then STAY tuned in for the entire two hours.  RAW ended up doing it's best rating in just almost two years on Monday night.
   
  The two hour average came out to a 4.5 cable rating.  The last time the Fed scored a number higher than that?  Well, it was actually back on the very first night of the "WWE" era, the night they told us to "Get the F Out."  Back on May Whateverth of 2002, the Fed did a 4.6 cable rating.
   
  The 4.5 for Monday's show was a gain over over half a point from the week before (which was the traditionally-strong, but this-time-tepid post-WM edition of RAW), and shows that fans had a HUGE interest in the idea of a lottery and a brand draft.
   
  But a word of warning: back in March and April of 2002, the Fed saw an equally HUGE bump following WM18 and the announcement of the Brand Extension Draft.  In fact, the last time RAW made it over a 5.0 cable rating was on March 25, 2002, the night of the Draft.  The 5.4 that night was only the 11th (and, to date, final) 5-plus rating of the post-Nitro era, and represented a gain of around 20 percent over its recent averages. But from there, RAW lost over a half-point the next week, and immediately returned to its average performances by holding steady in the upper-fours for about a month.  Then they dropped into the mid-fours for a few weeks.  But by mid-May, fans had pretty much caught on that the brand extension sucked, and RAW was mired below 4.0 most weeks.  In roughly 100 weeks of the Brand Extension to date, RAW has only exceeded 4.0 about 15 times, many of them directly linked to special, non-sustainable occurrences (like Austin returning, Goldberg debuting, and the Draft Lottery).   
   
  The short version: the 2002 Draft boosted ratings by about 0.8, but from those dizzying heights, RAW lost a point-and-a-half in the ratings in under two months, dropping not just back to its previous averages, but dropping 20% below them.  And they've remained in that same territory ever since.
   
  The gains for Monday's 2004 draft are also right around 0.8 (but that's actually a larger percentage gain, since RAW's audience is so much smaller these days) over recent averages.  This time around, here's hoping WWE can figure out some way to RETAIN those gains, instead of hemorrhaging it all away (and then some).  
  
  
• Here's something interesting, going even further into the number-crunching realm.... 
   
  WWE says their fans are "70% brand loyal," and that only thirty percent of their total audience watches both shows... using the last quarter of 2003 averages (since this is probably about when WWE was collecting this data, and also because that's the last quarter before WWE started in on interpromotional storylines that might have skewed the data), we can make a few observations.
   
  During that timeframe, SD!'s average rating was about a 3.45.  RAW's average rating (converted from cable to broadcast) was about a 3.05.  So that means a total audience of roughly 6.50 ratings points.  
   
  BUT: in those 6.5 points, you have some viewers being counted twice... this is NOT the actual "total audience size" for WWE.  We need to get to the real overall total unique audience size, so we start by saying we know that the Shared Audience is 30% of the RAW Exclusive Audience plus SD! Exclusive Audience.  Or: X = .3(R+S).  We also know that RAW Exclusive plus SD! Exclusive plus the shared audience is 6.5 ratings points (or, X+R+S=6.5).
   
  I'll spare you the details, but trust me when I say that those equations work out to giving us a Shared Audience of 1.5 ratings points.  Which leaves 1.95 ratings points worth of Loyal SD! Viewers.  And leaves 1.55 ratings points worth of Loyal RAW Viewers.
   
  This means, on average, that the Actual Total Audience of Unique WWE Viewers right around 5.00 ratings points worth of people.  RAW's average is 3.05 (1.50 shared, plus 1.55 Loyal), SD!'s is 3.45 (1.50 shared, plus 1.95 loyal).  But the Total Audience for WWE is actually 1.50 points shared (30 percent), 1.55 point loyal to RAW (31 percent), and 1.95 points loyal to SD! (39 percent)...  for a total of 5.00 points worth of viewers.  Not 6.50.  [Please note that if you add the 1.5 shared points a second time -- simulating once for RAW and once for SD! -- THEN you're back at that artificial 6.50 figure.  So the numbers all fit: just trust me, I did this right.]
   
  Essentially, what I'm saying is that a cursory breakdown of WWE's numbers and claims about audience loyalty point to a Theoretical Best Possible Rating of 5.0 (broadcast rating).  If one brand could max out its usual audience AND add every loyal viewer of the other show, a 5.0 is the best number any WWE TV show could possibly hope to get at this time. [Or in terms of RAW's ratings, a 6.0 or 6.1 cable rating.]
   
  RAW's 4.5 cable rating on Monday actual converts to something around a 3.8 broadcast rating.  Which means that although RAW gained massive numbers of viewers over the previous week and over its recent averages, it's still only attracted a little over one-third of all the Loyal SD! Viewers.  In broadcast ratings terms, they gained 0.75 from RAW's average, but still fell 1.2 points short of converting all SD! loyalists.
   
  If you want to get all picky and up-to-date and use the first-quarter-of-2004-to-date averages to work these numbers, you still get basically the same results.  The combined audience in terms of broadcast ratings point has been up to a 6.70 (RAW at about 3.20, SD! at about 3.50) so far this year.  That means 1.55 of those ratings points are attributed to Joint Viewers.  RAW has 1.65 points worth of Loyal Viewers, SD! has 1.95 points worth.  The Theoretical Best Possible Rating only goes up to a 5.15 (broadcast rating... 6.2 in terms of cable ratings), so RAW's accomplishment of a 3.8 converted rating on Monday is only a gain over about 0.6 over its recent average and still 1.35 short of getting ALL the SD! Loyal Viewers to come on over.
   
  My point:  RAW made some big gains on Monday.  But if the goal is to get every fan they've got watching a show, they still came up way short.
   
  This is all, of course, assuming that I'm not drastically bastardizing/simplifying WWE's figures and that their figures are accurate (something still rings false to me over this idea that such a large percentage of their audience could be brand loyal, but publicly traded companies don't lie to stockholders -- usually -- so I'll take them at their word)....
   
  Interesting stuff.  To me, at least.  Hopefully you enjoyed Calculus for Wrestling 303.  I hope I didn't get too far out there for you... because here at OOU, we don't offer 100-level courses!  A grad assistant will be around shortly to hand out the forms so you can do a teacher evaluation of Professor The Rick.  Be gentle: I'm not tenured, yet.
   
  
• The interest in the lottery was also borne out in terms of the amount of e-mail I've been seeing the past few days.  And in addition to the usual theories and armchair booking and stuff like that (which often makes for good reading, since I've taught you all so well!), it looks like some of you were SO motivated that you got in the trenches and started looking for hints and clues about where the brand shuffling might be headed.
   
  To wit:
   
  Heyman's quitting on RAW put the wheels in motion for any fan worth his salt to start fantasizing about a New ECW, that Heyman quitting WWE could be the start of an angle where Heyman heads up a new, renegade wrestling company to take on RAW and SD...
   
  Within 12 hours of RAW, a bunch of people had written in about NewECW.com.  You type that in and you end up.... at WWE.com?!?  Yep, at WWE.com.  So, does WWE actually own "NewECW.com"?  Is this a hint of things to come?
   
  Not really...  that web domain is actually just owned by Some Guy.  And he has opted to have it redirect to WWE.com.  Somewhere, Some Guy is probably having a nice laugh at how worked up fans are over conspiracy theories regarding a New ECW.  [An aside: in its acquisition of ECW's resources, I'm sure that WWE would have made some provision regarding an internet presence, as they did when then acquired WCW.com as part of that buy-out.  ECW's old official website was ECWWrestling.com, and if it was an asset of the company, it might well be owned by WWE today, so they might not have any use for NewECW.com; then again, the website thing was always Joey Style's little pet project, and he might have been running it completely independently of the company.  Joey might still own it, and be well within his rights to stick it to WWE if they ever got interested in buying it.  Somebody want to do THAT research for me?]
   
  So I wasn't about to get to gung-ho over that bit of investigation... but it was still kind of a cool mark-out moment for a lot of people to type that in and end up at WWE.com, I guess.
   
  But another bit of info turned out to be spot on.  Yesterday afternoon, I got a half-dozen little notes from people who thought that it was quite odd that A-Train was suddenly listed as a member of the RAW roster.  A mistake?  Quite possibly, since WWE.com is far from fool-proof.  But given recent events and the trade clause, was it maybe a hint of things to come?  
   
  It turned out the latter was the case, as A-Train was traded to RAW last night at tapings.  Actually, after briefly leaking the trade, WWE.com caught its mistake and put A-Train back on the SD! roster for a couple final hours before the trade was publicized last night.  
   
  Even though I couldn't make use of the tips, big thanks and stuff to the folks who caught it during that brief window yesterday and passed it on.  One of these days, your vigilance and my publication schedule will coincide to result in a bona fide scOOp for Online Onslaught...
   
  
• Actually, I did have a scoop back several weeks ago.  It was just one that nobody in their right might would really give two shits about.
   
  Randy Orton was absent from RAW, as you probably noticed.  Or maybe you didn't: I get the impression Randall doesn't have a whole lot of fans around OO.  Anyway, the reason he wasn't there is exactly what they said it was on TV:  Orton was recovering from having his tonsils out.  
   
  Screw Meltzer, Keller, and the rest with their fancy Newsletters and Premium Areas, I had the Hot Tonsil Story weeks before WrestleMania, back when the only thing people knew was that he had some kind of Viral Infection!  I rule!  And now, I'll go back in my hole to analyze day-old news for your enjoyment.  My projected next scOOp: October 2004, when I'll tell you all about Edge's recent change in conditioners and how it left him with way an epidemic of split ends two full weeks before he shows up on TV with 3 inches trimmed off that magnificent mane of his.  Stay Tuned!
   
  
• As Orton recovers from his tonsillectomy, perhaps he'll get to enjoy some ice cream!  Knowing him, it'll probably be something like strawberry, with red sprinkles and a cherry on top.  Not something manly, like Triple Chocolate Cookie Dough Mega Crunch with layer upon layer of hot fudge and caramel.
   
  Yes, that's right, I'm going back there again!
   
  If it had happened another week, it would have REALLY stood out.  But even with increased volume due to the draft, I was still absolutely stunned and amazed by how many people chose to write in with vitriolic hate mail because I made fun of Randy Orton, his love of Corona Light with a Lime In It, and his possible resulting vagina-possession on Monday.
   
  It wasn't just the number of hate-mails, either.  It was the PASSION of them.  And even more than the quantity, it was the VELOCITY, as well.  I swear, I hit upload on Monday's column, and less than 5 minutes later, the first one came in.  Within half an hour, it was five of 'em, and they just kept piling up.  I mean, Monday's column was kinda long-ish... I don't think you should even have been able to GET to the end where I was wasting time with Randy Orton Drinks Womanly Beer stories within 5 minutes.  Unless you were skipping the good parts of the column.
   
  Anyway, considering the response I got, I guess I should probably say... 
   
  I APOLOGIZE FOR NOTHING.
   
  I stand by my claims about putting fruit in beer being a pretty girly thing to do.  I mean, it's not as emasculating as walking around a bar with something schanpp-y that has an umbrella in it, but it's probably about on par with drinking Zima.  Maybe it really is delicious, maybe you really like it, but you better deal with the fact that there are a lot of people who will see you drinking things in these categories who will immediately question the existence of your testicles.
   
  To those who said "Corona is always served with a lime, so it probably wasn't Orton's fault his beer came with fruit," I retort: I know how Corona is served, and I know the lime comes wedged on top, so he could have easily taken it out.  Or even specifically ordered it minus the wimpy citrus.
   
  To those who said that "Corona without the lime doesn't taste right," I say: well then, get yourself a good beer.  Goddamn, it ain't rocket science.  If it tastes like water, or like piss, or like piss water, then just drink something else.  Don't cover up the crappiness with fruit.
   
  To those who said "Corona with lime just tastes good, and its really, really refreshing if you're thirsty and it's pretty weak so you can drink a bunch and not get a buzz on," I say: Um, it's not like Orton just got done mowing the lawn.  He was sitting in a luxury box at the horse track.  Not exactly thirsty work.  And this talk of "you can drink it and not get drunk"?  Then perhaps the beverage you want is a Diet Coke, Sally....  because if you don't want a buzz, you shouldn't waste your money on beer.  And unless you have A Problem, why not nurse one or two non-womanly beers if you're just being sociable?  Of the three so far, this protest probably holds the least amount of water with me.
   
  To those who said, "I thought you drink whiskey, so what the fuck do you know about beer, Lushy?" I say: well, you've probably got me.  But although I'd contend that there is not much manlier in the entire realm of Alcohol Consumption than drinking bourbon with nothing fancier than a little bit of ice as your mixer, and by this criteria am probably in the First Percentile of Manliness, the fact is that I do sometimes imbibe the beer.  Just because, on those occasions, I will drink High Life without complaining and I will never be a Beer Snob and I have no business trying to discuss What Is A Good Beer should NOT disqualify me from making observations about those drinking certain beers. I never made Claim #1 about whether Corona with Lime was tasty or not.  I just said it made it's drinker less of a man in the eyes of many.  It was a sociological observation, not a beer connoisseur observation.
   
  Let me put it this way: there may very well exist a drink consisting of grapefruit juice, vodka, a dash of grenadine to give it a nice pinkish hue, and a maraschino cherry as a tasty garnish.  This drink may be absolutely delicious.  But it's also PINK and HAS FRUIT IN IT (and also, as if it needed another strike against it, may well be called "The Pink Pussycat"), and as such, ordering it in public will call your genitals into doubt.  Rightfully so, I say.  It's just one of those rules that's pretty universal with Serious Drinkers and Bar Patrons like myself: pink hue, fruit in it, anything served in the form of a "shooter" that may or may not have a name referencing the female anatomy, whatever... they are all signs of girlishness, no matter how tasty the drink might actually be.  I admit to nothing, but hypothetically speaking, if I ever just HAD to have a Pink Pussycat, I'd have the good sense to fix it in my basement, away from prying eyes.  Because I'm All Man, baby.  Hear that ladies?  No Zima-drinking, shots-of-schnapps-buying, fruit-in-beer wussiness here!  At least, not that you'll ever know about.
   
  And if Randy Orton wants to be taken seriously as a Man's Man, he should have shown the same discretion before getting caught on camera drinking a freaking Corona Light with Lime.  Although, if he'd done that, I wouldn't have gotten that much needed post-NCAA-bracket-destruction chuckle on Sunday evening.  
   
  So keep it up, Randy.  And more over: Thanks.  Thanks for being such a puss. And for not being ashamed to admit it to the world.  Or at least those who watched Confidential.
   
  
• I trust you all know me well enough to know that when I spend that long rambling about something that retarded, it's time to wrap it up.  So that's what I'll do.  I think I built up more than enough goodwill with you during all the Lottery Talk and Wrestling Math goodness so that the booze snobbery shouldn't have pissed you off too much....  I hope.
   
  So I invite you all to come back for more of the same -- some good, some utterly pointless and absurd, but hopefully all entertaining -- on Friday.  See you then...
   

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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