by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

But that doesn't mean that they can't keep building what passes for momentum with their depleted roster, so, let's not dismiss Thursdays just because Mondays are kicking so much ass lately.

Whether you're "pre-qualifying" SD! based on Spoilers, or if you're just plain nosy, I've compiled hopefully-accurate results of the rest of the week's TV shows for you from e-mail reports.  You may read on at your own risk...

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Rhyno beat Val Venis
• Nidia beat Jazz
• Garrison Cade beat Grandmaster Sexay

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

• Mordecai beat Shannon Moore (actually, probably a dark match, though one report thought it was for Velocity; effective, one-sided outing for Mordecai, though)
• Mark Jindrak beat Scotty 2 Hotty (but Teddy Long was the most over guy in the match)
• Spike Dudley beat Jamie Noble
• Orlando Jordan beat Akio
• Rico and Charlie Haas defeated Kidman and Paul London in a very entertaining match

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• Somber Style Open: no pyro, no music, just Cole in the ring talking about the Incident in El Paso where Bradshaw ruined a Guerrero Family Celebration and Eddie's mom had a heart attack.  Contrary to my Monday report, Bradshaw never actually struck Mrs. Guerrero, she just collapsed in the middle of Bradshaw beating on Eddie.  Cole narrates the footage, and then lets the segment end on a heavy note...
• Bad Attempt at Parody Open: Booker T goes to visit a stereotypical fortune teller/voodoo lady/something stupid, and I think hilarity ensues.  Except that I'm not sure if it's the intentional kind or the unintentional kind (because it's sooooooo cheesy).  Booker gets all kinds of doom and gloom predictions that are clearly related to the Undertaker, but then the lady gives him some clues for stuff he can use to overcome his Shadow Opponent.  Also: Booker has to go to a cemetery and collect some dirt from a grave site to complete his Hex-Away Necklace, or whatever it is he's going to make so he can beat Taker.  This sounds like a big old "Whatever."
• John Cena beat D. Basham.  Imagine both guys shticks, imagine the most basic formula possible, and you're probably on track.  Big pop for Cena and some rhyming.  Some attempted switch-a-rooing.  But still a pretty easy win for Cena.  Entertaining, if basic.
• GM Angle comes out, and briefly talks about his own status and how unappreciated he feels.  Then he says it's time to make good on his promise to have the Undertaker in action tonight... except he didn't find just one man to face Taker.  Nope.  He found two.  Right now, the Undertaker must face.... the FBI.
• Taker's ring entrance takes about as long as the match.  Squash City, baby, but in this case, it sounds like a good thing, as the crowd was eating it up.  Taker wins in about a minute.
• Now it is time for Chavo Guerrero Versus The World.  Chavo (and Senior) hit the ring, and first the ply the mic.  Chavo clarifies that (a) he is awesome and (b) his challenger tonight has to be someone he's never faced before.  And with that, out comes....  Jacqueline?  Yep.  The Original Miss Jackie comes out, but Chavo doesn't really believe she wants to fight.  A few sexist comments later, and Jacqueline finally just hauls off and smacks Chavo upside the head.  Finally, Chavo gets the message, and It's On...
• Jacqueline beat Chavo Guerrero to win the Cruiserweight Title.  Shortish match, and most of it is all Chavo hitting a move, then taunting and showboating so Jackie could get a hope spot, then hitting another move so he could taunt and showboat.  Later, rinse, repeat.  After a couple minutes, Chavo Sr. distracts the referee, disputing one of Jackie's moves, but it only allows her the opening to hit a wicked low blow.  Chavo goes down, ref turns around, Jacqueline makes the cover.  New champ.  Crowd pops for this, and loves it even more when Chavo pulls a 0.7 Christian Temper Tantrum.  Certainly a risky move, but the crowd was into it, and I'll be curious to see what the "out" is...
• Torrie Wilson and Dawn Marie went to a no contest.  Rene Dupree was out doing commentary, and really, the match was only a set-up so he could interfere and go after Torrie.  Then, predictably, Cena was out for the save.  But he failed miserably.  Instead, Dupree beat the crap out of him, finally powerbombing Cena through the announce table for the big high spot.  By all accounts a "New Side" of Rene Dupree. Heh.
• Backstage: Josh Matthews tries to interview Eddie Guerrero about what happened to his mom, but Eddie gives him the Psycho Silent Treatment of Extreme Intensity.
• Requisite Bradshaw: again, Bradshaw appears only on tape this week!  A winner is we!  Interview with JBL exists mostly to make him look like a jerk, as he badmouths Eddie, his mom, and all things Latino.  Wheeeee.
• Booker T Suck-a-Thon Part 2: So now Booker IS at a graveyard, collecting soil samples for the lab.  Or whatever.  Oh, that's right: the anti-hex thing.  As he's bending down to collect the dirt (feel free to sing along with The Rick, cuz you KNOW what's coming) a hand shoots up out of the ground and scares the living crap out of Booker.  [You know, I'm all for Mordecai coming in and attacking Taker so Booker can escape the feud with Taker unscathed... but if this crap has the effect of "Summoning Mordecai From His Medieval Lair" or something when the guy's already cutting promos, I'll be hella pissed.  And if it's just Taker mind games, well, without even seeing this, allow me to resurrect the term "Gay Spooky."]
• Backstage: Paul Heyman is again a VIP Guest of the Dudleys, and he talks to GM Angle about Eddie Guerrero's mindset.  He thinks Eddie is dangerously unbalanced, and could do something rash in the ring tonight against his pals, the Dudleys.  When the threat of legal action rears its head, Angle capitulates, and says, "OK, Eddie's out of the match."  But who'll replace him?
• Rob Van Dam and Rey Mysterio beat the Dudley Boyz.  Very good main event match, and the crowd was way into Rey's return to the Flagship Show.  Followed the standard tag formula, leading up to the big finish.  In this case, barely controlled chaos in which RVD and Rey managed to isolate on D-Von after Bubba powdered out.  The put him down, and then (somewhere, Sabu is not very happy) they hit the ORIGINAL "Rolling Thunder," the double team move, not the half of it that RVD still does today.  RVD did the rolling senton, Rey added in a slingshot leg drop, and they pinned D-Von.  But Bubba may have been down, but he wasn't out.  He attacks after the bell, D-Von comes back around and joins in, and it's a beat down... until Eddie Guerrero and a steel chair are out for the save.  Eddie goes completely psycho, and bloodies both Duds before the show ends.  Whoa.

So check out the shows as they air... or come on back to OO for the full recaps and analyses afterwards.  Either way, it's fine with me!

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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