by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

They'd need to continue their steady (but infuriatingly slow) course to watchability this week, if fans are to think any more highly of the Great American Bash than they did of Judgment Day.  Could they pull it off?

Well, I'd tell you to wait till tomorrow and find out like a Real Man, except that these days, THIS Real Man is still watching SD! on heavy "time shift" (that's new DVR lingo for "Fast Foward"), so who am I to cast stones?  So consider this your warning: you want to ruin things, fine, otherwise, here's your last chance to hit BACK.

Also: I'm not including pre-RAW International Heat tapings because, well, 90% of my audience ain't international, so who really cares?  We'll get the live, pre-PPV show on Sunday night...

WWE Velocity/SmackDown! 
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday/Saturday)

• Dark Match: Funaki beat Carly Colon
• Velocity: Mark Jindrak beat Billy Kidman...  The Grumpy Old Men beat Two Guys...  Spike Dudley beat Akio...  Rico beat Jamie Noble.
• Assisted by Luther Rains, Kurt Angle made his way to the ring to open the show with an angry promo.  He had footage of last week when Booker T and John Cena crashed into him, and demanded both men come to the ring and apologize.  Booker, of course, did.  Cena, of course, did not.  So eventually we got to the part where a furious Angle decides to punish Cena.  Tonight, he'll wrestle three men, and the first one to beat him will get a US Title shot at the Great American Bash.  The three opponents will be Booker T, Rob Van Dam, and Rene Dupree. Oh, it's true, it's true.  Said to be a pretty decent and lengthy opening promo really carried by Angle.
• Kenzu Suzuki made his debut and essentially squashed Scotty 2 Hotty.  Reports are varied on match quality (some thought Suzuki looked good, but the squash was just boring, others thought he looked borderline-incompetent, so I'll just wait and see for myself).  But I'll say this: although they ditched the Emperor Hirohito gimmick, they kept alot of the same pomp and circumstance for Suzuki's ring entrance that they were gonna use for the Emperor gimmick. Also: he had a woman in his entourage (as previously discussed, it was almost certainly his wife).
• Backstage: Kurt Angle gathered Booker, RVD, and Dupree, and explained what he meant by his previous announcement.  The three would face Cena, gauntlet-style, in five minute matches, with the first to score a win getting the title shot.  They would draw straws to see what order they'd face Cena...
• Vignette: Bradshaw is a rich snob, so boo him.  PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BOO HIM.  Or he'll do something stupid.
• Rey Mysterio beat Chavo Guerrero in a typical good-but-short TV Special.  Maybe 4-5 minutes.  The finish was Chavo Classic trying to interfere on behalf of his son, but screwing up to allow Rey to get the pinfall.
• Earlier Today: Paul Heyman and the Dudleys were confabbing at an Undisclosed Location, where they were meeting with Dick Cheney about How To Be An Even More Evil And Diabolical Son Of A Bitch.  And also: they were holding Paul Bearer captive.  Heyman said that their actions had unleashed a new side of the Undertaker, and tonight, he'd go to the arena and confront Taker.  Taker might crush Heyman, but he also might join Heyman; either way, Heyman would have his answer TONIGHT.  Stay tuned for the conclusion of Interstate Kidnapping Theater, folks!
• John Cena and Booker T went to a five minute draw.  NEXT!
• John Cena and RVD went to a five minute draw (said to be the best of the three segments, with an actually cool little finish where RVD ALMOST pulled it out).  NEXT!
• John Cena and Rene Dupree went to a five minute draw.  NEXT!  Oh, wait...  that's all, Angle's plan has been foiled by Cena, and he's emerged unscathed from the gauntlet.  So Angle comes out and orders a sudden death over-time for Cena and Dupree...  and of course, within a minute or two, Cena rallies, hits the F-U, and gets the pinfall win.  A petulant Angle (who stuck around for the final stages) says, "No, that doesn't count, cuz I never said overtime really counted, neener neener neener."  Angle declares that since Cena wasn't beaten here tonight to help determine a #1 Contender, Cena could defend his US Title at the PPV against ALL THREE.  After Angle's announcement: Dupree attacked Cena, and was joined by Booker for a moment or two.  Then RVD ran out and made the save.  But RVD and Cena eye-balled each other, and RVD made it clear he wanted the belt as bad as anyone.  Staredown of Intensity, and in the end, RVD punked out Cena with a back kick.  Boo?
• Bradshaw's limo arrived at the building and Bradshaw got out and started sauntering around like he was gonna do something.  Then he decided "This place sucks," so he figured he'd make the drive back to New York City and have some fun.  He headed back to his limo, hopped in the back, and the limo drove off...  but not before revealing that Eddie Guerrero had covertly managed to replace the actual limo driver with Folger's Crystals...  I mean, replaced the limo driver with HIMSELF.  Eddie is driving Bradshaw's limo, folks, and if you don't smell a wacky WWE Vehicular Stunt coming, well, you can't be my friend.
• Mordecai squashed Paul London.  This just in: the internet hates Mordecai!
• Bradshaw's limo returned, and it's crashing into all kinds of stuff as it passes through the parking lot and bowels of the building before Eddie drives it into the arena.  [Hey, screw Adolf Layfield there, I find it HIGHLY INSENSITIVE and EXTREMELY DISGUSTING that somebody on the WWE creative team would ask Eddie Guerrero to emulate the actions of a drunk driver, considering his personal history.  I sure hope somebody gets FIRED over this EGREGIOUS DISPLAY.]  Eddie hops out, and we see that Bradshaw has been knocked unconcsious in the back of the limo by all the swerving and smacking stuff.  Eddie and the crowd bring JBL back around, and Bradshaw does the expected "Stumbling Indignity" act as he slowly regains his wits, while Eddie tells him that he'll do to JBL at the PPV what he did to JBL's limo tonight.  Wheeee!  Why not remind him what you did to his hat and his trophy, too, Eddie?  We all loved that stuff, too!
• So: after that big semi-main event angle, surely it's time for our Main Event Wrestling Match, right?  WRONG!  It's time for Paul Heyman to just come to the ring with the urn and start demanding to hear Undertaker's answer to last week's ultimatum.  He reprises some of his earlier comments about how he knows he's unleashed a new side to Taker and might be destroyed tonight, but he's just GOTTA know the answer.  So out comes Taker.  They milk it for a bit, as Taker actually gauges crowd response for a bit.  Seems to lunge towards Paul (cheer?).  Fades back.  Drops to a knee.  And worships the urn held by Paul Heyman. Boos.  SD! will close on Taker worshipping Heyman while Heyman goes from "mild shock" to "shit eating grin."  [Live crowd got a bonus segment where Bradshaw came out and got his ass kicked by Taker, but that's just to send them home happy.]

One report called this show a "piece of shit."  The other certainly had issues with the show, but was willing to grant that the opening promo and later match(es) centered on the US Title picture were pretty fun, even if most of the rest of the show sucked.

Me, I'll tell you what: even if the promo, gauntlet, and short Rey/Chavo match are all good, I can't see them overshadowing what SEEMS like will probably be really weak material everywhere else on the show...  maybe I'll be wrong, maybe this will play way better on TV than it does on paper.

But since I probably won't be doing a regular column on Friday to talk about my SD! thoughts (we've got the big Team Coverage PPV Preview in that spot, Friday), I feel the urge to pre-review what sure looks like it'll be a step backwards for SD! this week.  Yay for the US Title picture.  Boo for just about everything else.

Your mileage may well vary, however...  give the show a look tomorrow night, and at the very least come on back to OO on Friday and let Big Danny T tell you how it played in its broadcast form.

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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