by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

If you're looking for Heat spoilers and the "What You Didn't See" from RAW, that's right here for you.  Your Humble Webmaster just happened to be there live and in person for those tapings.

And for the rest of your Hot Spoiler Action, I offer you this compilation of results from Chicago, IL's Velocity/SmackDown! tapings:

• Dark Match: Billy Kidman beat Carly Colon.
• Velocity: Jamie Noble beat Paul London in a good match.... the FBI beat Akio/Sakoda....  Mark Jindrak beat Bob Holly, in a match that had surprisingly good crowd heat thanks to Holly's popularity (???) and Teddy Long's work.
• The Dudley Boyz beat Rico/Charlie Haas to win the tag titles.  No Heyman at ringside, but still a good little match with strong crowd interest thanks to the expected antics.  A bit short-ish, though, under 8 minutes.  Finish was a hot tag to Rico, then four way brawling, and in the chaos, Miss Jackie took a bump.  Staunchly Heterosexaul Haas got distracted from the match to go feel up Jackie, leaving Rico all along to get pinned with some kind of cheap roll-up or something.  New champs then are joined for a celebration by VIP Guest Paul Heyman.
• Heyman Speaks: for a guy whose reason for being allowed on TV has yet to be explored, Heyman sure has a lot of stroke... in this case, it involves announcing that he's gotten a match booked for the Great American Bash in which the Undertaker will face both Dudley Boys in a handicap match.  And suspended above the ring in a cage will be Paul Bearer.  And if Taker doesn't "do the right thing," the cage will be filled with cement and become Bearer's crypt.  Or something.  I may be misunderstanding these reports, but I swear, I am NOT making this up.  Somebody must have been glancing at PPV Buyrates from 1999 and realized that Paul Bearer In A Cage = RATINGS~!
• Eddie Guerrero Promo.  Talks about GAB match against Bradshaw, suggests maybe they don't have to wait till the PPV, calls Bradshaw out to the ring...  but instead, both Basham Brothers appear, and claim that after Eddie cheated to beat D. Basham back a few weeks ago, now D. Basham wants a chance to avenge his brother's loss.
• Eddie Guerrero beat D. Basham.  D. Basham was of no help to D. Basham, as Eddie handled things a bit more easily and without as much chicanery as he did the last time he faced D. Bashams.
• Backstage: John Cena is visiting with GM Kurt Angle.  Angle says that later tonight, he's forcing John Cena to team up with Rob Van Dam to face Booker T/Rene Dupree, and milks the fact that all three guys are actually gunning for his US Title at the GAB PPV.  I don't know if it was the same segment, or something that happened after a commercial break, but the immediate next thing was Funaki doing a John Cena freestyle impersonation mocking Angle, and Angle caught him... so Angle booked Funaki vs. Luther Rains for later tonight, as well.
• Kenzu Suzuki beat Spike Dudley.  Methodical squash, which one reader said seemed more about Suzuki making his Faces Of Intensity at the cameras than about doing wrestling moves.  Maybe not necessarily a bad thing at this point of his character's development, but I can see how it'd get annoying live.
• Bradshaw Promo.  Bradshaw came out and actually broached the subject of his getting fired by CNBC (my understanding is that they had semi-doctored footage of the firing announcement that DID say Bradshaw was "insensitive" and "boorish" and whatnot, but which glossed over any reference to "Nazis" or "Hitler").  He cut a promo more about the pansy-assed liberal media than about his match with Eddie at the PPV, which is a whole lot more of Missing The Point as far as it concerns the Bradshaw Experiment.  Limo Crashing and the Liberal Media: thrilling!  This feud is right back where it was a month ago when it was all about squashed cowboy hats and stolen trophies...  finally, Eddie put an end to the silliness by coming out to make good on his earlier challenge to Bradshaw.  The two brawled for a few minutes till officials broke it up.
• Rey Mysterio beat Chavo Classic to win the Cruiserweight Title.  Although Chavo Jr. was at ringside, he didn't do a whole lot, because they clearly have put the bullet in Classic and didn't want him to do anything vaguely entertaining.  The result was a pretty one-sided title win for Rey, which should at least set up a nice little resumption of his feud with Chavo Jr. in Classic's absence.
• Luther Rains squashed Funaki.  After the match, Luther made it clear that he's Kurt Angle's Problem Solver.  How original.  I think maybe Denny was onto something last week....
• Throw-away Segments: Torrie Wilson paraded around in a red, white, and blue outfit to promote the GAB PPV... and backstage, Booker T and Rene Dupree semi-bickered over which one deserved to be the US Champ, leading one to wonder if EITHER team in the main event would be working together.
• Rob Van Dam/John Cena vs. Booker T/Rene Dupree went to a No Contest.  They had a decent enough match, I guess, around 10 minutes of the expected formula (face-in-peril, hot tag, things seem to be going well)... and then after gaining the edge and controlling the match, RVD and Cena stopped getting along.  They had just started fighting with each other when the Undertaker made an unexpected appearance.  After a brief exchange, Taker tombstones Cena to a confused reaction.  Then Paul Heyman, the Urn, and the Dudleys appear, and Taker kneels down before them.  The show will end here.  [But as the week before, Bradshaw decided to come out for no discernable reason, and after Heyman and the Dudleys left, Taker destroyed him to give fans the happy ending.]

On paper, it sounds like another week of just repeating the same kinds of mistakes from the past 3 months: mishandling the talent that is over, making misjudgments on which NEW talents to invest time in (so Suzuki and Rains BOTH get squashes, does that mean the Mordecai Experiment is already over even though I think he's the most marketable of the three?), and just flat-out having to deal with a massive Trickle Down effect of having a main event/WWE Title feud that could not be any less compelling if they were trying to make it forgettable.

SD!'s got no sizzle, not even when they bust out a show with TWO TITLE CHANGES.  That sounds like it'd be impossible, but leave it to SD!; one change (tag title) accomplishes nothing substantive unless you want to posit that Undertaker and Paul Bearer vs. the Dudleys is coming soon to a Nightmare of a PPV Near You.  And the other (CW Title) came out of left field and flew in the face of an entertaining program we HAD been expecting (the eventual implosion of the Chavos).  

But who knows? I'll still be checking the as-aired version of the show on Thursday night to make sure there's not something massively different between the printed page and the actual execution of this show...  you can do the same.  And if not: OO will have your back with the SD! Recap on Friday.

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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