by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

But they'll probably do a more than adequate job of rendering you even less excited for Sunday's GAB PPV than you already are!  Wheee!

Also: no Heat spoilers here.  Because (a) it is a PPV weekend, and 95% of us will be getting the live, pre-PPV show, and also (b) because if you want int'l Heat spoilers, Denny was live at RAW and wrote up the entire slew of those matches right here.

So here you go: a bare bones spoiling of tomorrow night's show:

• Dark Match: Norman Smiley beat Some Guy.
• Probably Dark Match: the Bashams beat Dennis Knight and Dave Heath (formerly, Mideon and Gangrel).
• Velocity Matches: Charlie Haas beat Sakoda...  Johnny Stamboli beat Some Guy...  Hardcore Holly beat Mark Jindrak.
• SD! Opening Promo: John Cena came out and cut a promo on Undertaker.  Kurt Angle interrupted and announced that before Cena goes to the Bash to defend his US Title, he'll have to face the Undertaker here tonight in a non-title match.
• Chavo Guerrero earned a PPV Cruiserweight Title shot.  He outlasted Spike Dudley, Nunzio, Jamie Noble, Kidman, Akio, Funaki, Scotty 2 Hotty, Shannon Moore, and Paul London in a big-ass #1 Contender spot-fest Battle Royal that was said to be the best thing on the show.
• Backstage: JBL and Angle hatch a plot to make Eddie tired before the PPV, too.  Angle makes Eddie vs. Luther Reigns for later tonight.
• Mordecai and Bob Holly just start fighting backstage, or something, in the middle of this.  It wasn't clear, but I guess they're fighting at the PPV, too?  Wheee.  Guess who not only will have to be going to Hooters to watch this show, but who just might have to go all by himself?
• Bob Holly's partner in crime, Billy Gunn, got a DQ win over Kenzu Suzuki when his geisha resorted to throwing salt in Billy's eyes.  And again, the report says Angle instantly ordered a PPV match between the two as a result.  Unless this is all part of a storyline where Kurt Angle is the lamest GM of all times and is forced back into the ring, there is NO REASON IN HEAVEN OR ON EARTH TO HAVE THESE TWO MATCHES ON PPV.  Thank you, drive through.
• Backstage:  Torrie Wilson and Sable bicker about something.  Because, you see, they're the "hostesses" for the Bash PPV, and now maybe you'll buy the show to see them tear each other's clothes off.  Because a possible nipple for $35 is a WAY better investment than dropping $6 on a Playboy!  Or just seeing the pictures for free on the internet if you have even a lick of sense in your head.
• Rene Dupree beat Rob Van Dam by using an exposed turnbuckle.  Both guys had run-ins with guest commentator Booker T, but Booker didn't figure in the finish.
• Eddie Guerrero beat Luther Reigns by DQ when Bradshaw felt the need to run-in because Eddie was about to win clean.  Eddie still managed to clean house on both men, and left JBL and Reigns lying while he celebrated.  That makes three weeks in a row heading into the PPV that Eddie's gotten the better of JBL; why, oh why, do I get this sinking feeling that WWE is going to try something very stupid and stubborn on Sunday?  No, of course they wouldn't do that... they're not suicidal.
• Undertaker beat John Cena.  A pretty good match, but a split crowd and general confusion as to what Taker's status is kept it from really sizzling, I guess.  Finish had Taker finally going outright heel: after a ref bump, he used Cena's own chain against him, KO'ing him to set up a pinfall win.  After the match, Heyman and the urn appeared, and Taker bowed down before them.

Well, they added 3 more matches to the PPV, so that's something, right?  Two bad two of them are not even Velocity worthy...  the cruiserweight match at the PPV should be good, though.  Also, the Torrie/Sable thing makes it clear that they'll be asking the four diva "hostesses" to carry part of the show with various T&A segments

Which would be basically seven matches/segments, which is a full card.  Too bad there's really only two outcomes in doubt: Rey vs. Chavo for the CW Title could go either way (probably makes more sense for Chavo to get it back and re-set things they way they had intended them to be after Chavo got the belt back from Classic, but who knows?), and the US Title thing is pleasantly ambiguous (it seems Cena's next major feud will be against Reigns or Angle himself, and that doesn't need the US Title; meantime, I think a Booker/RVD feud over the belt would be pretty good).

Other than that?  The E isn't stupid, and won't put JBL over; it's time for that experiment to end...  and then you have two almost-certain squashes with the Grumpy Old Men going down: Mordecai's being groomed as a throw-away challenger to Eddie, and there's no reason to have Billy Gunn go over Suzuki at this juncture, either.  SD!'s in a Talent Building Phase, and those two matches are transparent attempts to push the new guys.  How thrilling for us that they invested SO MUCH TIME into building up to each match on the PPV...

And last, you have the Taker/Dudleys "Concrete Crypt" match, which I guess maybe is also ambiguous in terms of who will win or lose.  But it's also so ambiguous as to why the fuck it's even happening (is "the right thing" for Taker to unleash the monster within and beat the piss out of Heyman's Dudleys?  Or for him to lie down for the Duds? Paul Bearer in a cage is just the stupidest thing in the universe, and nobody cares about it, nor understands what Taker's supposed to do about it).  Which to me means that the only certain thing is that I Don't Care What Happens.  Which is as good as a Mordecai squash match in terms of Getting Excited Value.

But now I'm just being pissy.  The spoilers exist to tell you what happens on Thursday, not as an excuse for me to talk about Sunday.  Although, what happens on Thursday seems to be a whole lot of making me angry about Sunday, so...  well, whatever.  Check out the show, or come on back to OO on Friday, when we'll have the SD! Recap AND a more detailed look at just how excited I am for the Great American Bash PPV. 

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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