by Rick Scaia
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

But it's still Wednesday, and that still means I have to compile Spoilers (from, as the saying goes, e-mail reports), and still means you get this final warning to just hit BACK and quit being a nosy bastard before I unleash the TV results hours and days ahead of time!

Enough chat, here's what happens... IN THE FUTURE!

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Probably Dark Match: Rodney Mack beat Mike "Nova" Bucci (well, at least ONE of these guys should be up on the main roster...)
• Val Venis beat Stevie Richards.
• Maven beat Chuck Palumbo.
• Victoria (with help from Stevie in Drag) beat Jazz.

WWE Velocity
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

• John Heidenreich (w/ Paul Heyman) beat Shannon Moore (one report said this was a dark match, so I dunno)
• Johnny Stamboli beat D. Basham
• Bob Holly beat Akio
• Rob Van Dam (again, on Velocity?!?) beat Rene Dupree in a good match

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• Kurt Angle opened the show with a promo saying that just because he interfered in the cage match last week doesn't mean he's still not crippled. He just felt so strongly that Eddie Guerrero is an unworthy champion that he put his life at risk to do what he felt was right. In fact, Kurt tried to turn things around so that Eddie owed HIM an apology, but that wasn't happening, so instead, Angle (I'm not clear on the logic here) started berating ring announcer Tony Chimel for being an Eddie supporter, and eventually fired the guy.  Josh Mathews is installed as the New Ring Announcer.  
• Spike Dudley beat Chavo Guerrero and Jamie Noble in a #1 CW Contender's Match. Said to be typically good-but-short; Spike pinned Chavo, no help from his brothers this time.
• Backstage: in a reprise from last week (well, a reprise that got cut from the final airing), the four SD! divas complained to GM Kurt about their roles on the show. Angle's response was different this week, though: he booked them into a 4-way lingerie match for later tonight.
• Bubba Dudley beat Billy Kidman.  Exciting, lots of heat, but short-ish.  Bubba was way over as a heel because he and D-Von cut an anti-ECW promo before the match (which I'm guessing was just for the Philly crowd and won't air on TV).
• Backstage: a Funaki interview with Booker T went awry when Kurt Angle showed up and announced he'd be officially crowning a new US Champ next week and even said Booker could hold the belt "for now."  The inference was that Booker would get the title, which Funaki thought was unfair. So Kurt fired him from being an interviewer who barely speaks English.
• Backstage: Bubba and D-Von Dudley approach Spike Dudley. The gist is that they all have title shots next week, but Spike made it clear he doesn't want any help, nor to help Bubba and D-Von.
• John Bradshaw Layfield, inspired by the movie "Rocky," issued an open challenge to anyone in the building, and said if they could beat him tonight, he'd grant a title match to them at SummerSlam.  Out came Some Guy, who promptly got squashed by Bradshaw.  So Bradshaw decided to gloat.  Big mistake: the lights go down, Taker comes out, and announces to Bradshaw "You, Me, SummerSlam," and that is all.  Taker leaves and Bradshaw is decidedly NOT happy about this.
• The Lingerie Match never happened.  After all four girls hit the ring, GM Kurt came out and fired them all before we could glimpse a single ass-cheek.  BOO!, I guess.
• Rey Mysterio beat D-Von Dudley in another good-but-short match. Bubba tried to interfere, but Kidman/London came out and put and end to that... how long before the Corruption of Spike Dudley finally happens and we get a Dudleys vs. Rey/London/Kidman match? And how much will it rule?
• The Heidenreich/Heyman promo airs again. Or one very similar to last week's airs. Apparently, even the pro-Heyman Philly crowd didn't much approve.  C'mon, WWE, just cut the vignettes, get the guy on TV so Taker can squash him, and then let's be done with it.  You want Heyman to try to get some big lug over, let's try with Matt Morgan again....
• John Cena beat Luther Reigns in the main event. Said to be less than 5 minutes long, which is kind of disappointing for a main event. Finish had Booker T's interference back-firing to allow Cena's win.
• Not clear on whether it was a smooth segue from Angle getting in the ring after Luther's loss, or if it was a whole separate segment, but the REAL main event then winds up being....
• Another Kurt Angle Promo.  Angle let the Cena issue slide at this point, and started talking about Eddie Guerrero again.  He decided he REALLY wanted that apology from Eddie, and started ranting and raving.  And then Kurt said the buzzphrase, "You don't cross the boss."  At that point, Vince McMahon came out, to a babyface pop.  Vince said he can't believe Angle lied to the fans about his injury; and then in true dick form, said he can't believe Kurt liked to Vince about the injury because Vince was mere days away from accepting an award for employing a Handicapped Person in a key role in the company.  They went back and forth a bit, but the upshot was that Vince announced he was firing Kurt Angle as GM.  And re-instating him as an Active Wrestler.  And further: he's making a match for Angle at SummerSlam, one on one against Eddie Guerrero.  At that announcement, Eddie made his entrance in a low-rider, and had a little celebration/taunting of Angle to a big pop.  He was joined for the celebration by Vince, who was apparently quite funny in dancing around and operating the low rider.  This is almost assuredly where the show will end on Thursday.
• But wait there's more, and it's not sold in any store: there was an additional (and very lengthy) segment that followed that two readers presented as Part of the Show, and NOT as bonus footage (which is kind of how it sounds to me and seemed to one other reader).  After Eddie left the ring, Vince went back and got on the mic and said that he was personally re-instating everyone Angle had fired. And additionally, he was going to make Kurt personally apologize to all of them OR ELSE.  Kurt eventually bowed to the pressure and apologized to Funaki and Chimel. But he refused to apologize to the worthless divas.  Vince said, OK, you can not apologize, but if you don't you have to join a special club, the Kiss My Ass Club.  Angle thought about it, and apparently started positioning himself behind Vince's ass, but Vince said "NO, not my ass!  The girls' asses!", and Angle apparently refused and kept wanting to kiss Vince's ass instead.  It sounds stupid, but Kurt had a plan, since as he was on his knees, instead of apologizing or kissing Vince's ass, he wound up uppernutting Vince in the balls.  Angle beat a hasty retreat at that point, and then Vince recovered and enjoyed having the divas tend to him and his swollen jewels for the happy ending. Oh, leave it to me to make it sound so very dirty!  Again, this sounds kind of stupid and I'd rather they keep it "on message" by ending the show after Vince's announcement/celebration with Eddie, instead of letting this alleged (and ever so pointless) comedy be the "main event."  But we'll see.... 

No matter how SD! ends, we'll still have a full recap of the as-aired version (and probably some analysis/breakdown in OO) on Friday, so come on back for that. 
 

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
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Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH.  He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.

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