You're probably all expecting me to do some kind of thing like "Celebrity Poker, blah blah blah... David Cross won, blah blah blah... I want to grow up to be Dave Foley so I can get paid to be drunk on national TV and also spend a couple seasons pretend-boning Maura Tierney on a mid-tier sitcom, blah blah blah..."
 

And part of me also loves the fact that they (at least, their lead guitar player) are not "TV pretty."  Tubby Hive there makes me look like Tom fricking Cruise!  And yet he's a rock star!  It gives one hope!  It's kind of like the 21st Century equivalent of Ric Ocasek bagging Paulina Porizkova! Well, actually, it's not THAT awesome; it's more like the 21st Century equivalent of Ric Ocasek even being permitted to appear on stage with that ugly mug of his!

But it's a start. And it's also probably about time I start the column eh?

• Well, so SmackDown! tonight was a step down from recent weeks... it felt kinda like there was no match over 5 minutes, and they clearly made the show-spanning storyline of Angle abusing his power the show's only serious hook.
   
  Problem is, they kind of bludgeoned us over the head with it to the point that by the time Angle fired the divas, it had lost all meaning, and even the densest of non-spoiler-reading fan probably was sitting on his couch begging for them to just deliver Angle's comeuppance already.
   
  And when it came in the form of Vince McMahon, yeah, I guess that's pretty "big," and I guess it certainly lent weight back to the abuse-of-power story that I felt had been handled ham-handedly...  but as far as shocking surprises go, I actually thought that Angle stripping Cena of the belt two weeks ago was a bigger-feeling finish, since it wasn't telegraphed quite as badly.
   
  I don't know; maybe this is just a me-reading-the-spoilers problem this week, but I really didn't get into the whole story arc at all.  That said: the payoff was awesome, and now it's Angle vs. Eddie at SummerSlam.  Not a damn thing wrong with that at all.
   
  And thank GAWD they ended the show where they did.  I'm guessing based on my e-mail that the conventional wisdom was that the "Kiss My Ass" ending really WAS supposed to air, or something, and people were surprised it didn't.  All I can tell you is: even the spoiler reports I got, 2 thought it was gonna air, and only 1 said it was "bonus footage," but my gut instinct was there was no way that comedy would see the light of day as a "main event." So that's how I presented it on Wednesday.  One of these days, you people will learn to trust my Gut Instincts.  I may not be good at much in this life, but dammit, I knows my rasslin'!
   
  The other big development was NOT telegraphed at all.  In fact, it kind of came out of left field.  I speak, of course, of the Undertaker putting himself into the WWE Title picture. Not that I view the suddenness of it as a problem: when you're the Taker, you can do stuff like that, and it works cuz the fans buy you as a title contender at any time.  I can't help but note how the crowd was chanting for "Eddie, Eddie" up until the second the lights went out, but after that, they certainly redirected their enthusiasm.  And sure, in my mind, Eddie would have blown off JBL already and his match with Angle would be for the title, and this Bradshaw/Taker thing would be a sidebar, but ultimately, hell, Eddie/Angle IS the SD! main event at SummerSlam, and it doesn't matter where they put the jewelry.
   
  I will say this about JBL: he's gonna have to be dead-on perfect with his presentation the next month.  He's the WWE Champ, and as such has to talk big and not just be a chickenshit, otherwise he cheapens the title (yes, wiseguys, even more than he already has!).  But at the same time, to be opposed by Taker, you HAVE to beg off and show respect and come off kinda yellow, just cuz that's how you get heat against Taker (you surely don't get it by being the aggressor and leaving him lying, no sir). I kinda glimpsed some of that from JBL tonight, but I think what he really needs to do to MASTER the "big-talking chickenshit who manages to fake his way through anything" vibe is get him some Chevy Chase movies.  The good ones, from the 80s, not "Cops and Robbersons." And yes, "Spies Like Us" WAS just on Cinemax19 or whatever this week, which is kind of what made me think of it.  JBL should DEFINITELY try to use that money of his to buy his way out of the Taker match, for instance.  Perhaps claim, "I was to understand there would be no math," or something.  If that fails, offer Taker a night with his sister.  I hear she's quite good.  You get the picture....
   
  With Angle out as GM, I think you can pretty much flush his plan to make Booker T the de facto US Champ down the drain, as well.  Booker, John Cena, and Luther Reigns all seem to be in the mix for whatever new plan is unveiled next week, and I'd guess we might not see the new champ actually crowned until SummerSlam.  I don't know if you just do a 3-way match, or if you get together a quick tourney to be blown off at the PPV, or what, but those three should figure in the final stages, no matter what.  Last night's events also make me think that if they do go through with Angle surrounding himself with a stable of wrestlers, Booker's probably in, which might affect the dynamic, too (do a PPV 3-way, and it's actually more like a 2-on-1 if Luther and Booker are both under Angle's guidance, which would make a Cena victory seem that much more awesome).
   
  And actually, that's another thing I noticed tonight: they are gonna have to consolidate and do some multi-way matches and stuff, since SummerSlam IS a joint-brand venture.  It's crazy that SD! was SO piss poor this spring and early summer that they couldn't even muster up more than 1 or 2 good matches per show for their OWN PPVs... but they've got the ship righted, and now it looks like they need to consolidate to get all their deserving storylines and talents on to the SS card....
   
  Specifically, I'm REALLY starting to dig this little mid-card program they got going that I'm HOPING ends with a Rey/Kidman/London vs. Bubba/D-Von/Spike six-man match at the PPV. Again, it's a case of consolidating to make sure everybody gets on the show, but in this case, the affiliated storylines would really gain a lot from being merged into one big match.  For one, I like the idea of continuing to have Bubba and D-Von chip away at Spike until he finally does get corrupted. Or at least realizes that to take care of business, he might as well take advantage of his brothers' offers of help.  Spike is just one of those characters who is almost PAINFULLY "everyman" that you get suckered into his storylines whenever they actually bother to give him one.  Maybe have him fall short against Rey next week, watch as the wheels turn, and be so very disappointed in him when he decides to turn to the dark side.  Kidman/London need to keep the tag titles, too, and then if you start to weave storylines together so that they are affiliated with Rey, it'll give them a serious boost up in fans' eyes, I think.  They'll get a bit of his rub.  And if the end result is giving these six guys 15 minutes of PPV time, well, that rocks in my book.
  
  I guess this has kind of been my long-winded way of saying "Yeah, SD! kept me excited in the overall direction of the brand, but I just kind of felt like the main hook was a bit flat, and the show was nowhere near as awesome as it had been the past few weeks."  So there: you just got the Cliff's Notes version.
   
  For the additional details, you need to check out Big Danny T's SD! Recap.
   
  
• The prelim rating for SD! came in at a 3.2, which is down a few ticks from the week before.  Obviously, they didn't have a WWE Title cage match to draw in fans, so I guess that's not too surprising.  
   
  The important thing is that as long as the final rating doesn't do anything wacky, it'll fall in the 3.1-3.4 range which is still an upward trend versus where SD! was at for most of April, May, and June...  and that's a Good Thing.
   
  
• It's actually kind of funny to think that, after the way things have been the past 4 months, that SD!'s got its ducks in a row a LOT better than RAW, as we inch towards SummerSlam.  I mean, they've now officially set up their top two matches (Eddie/Angle and Taker/JBL), and though I wouldn't wager on it, I think I'm on to something with those other two matches (US Title match with at least Booker/Cena, and then the six man), and that's it: four matches, which is about all you get on a joint-brand show.
   
  And what do we know about RAW's line-up? Nothing, really.
   
  I'd sort of assumed we'd get a one-on-one, straight-up HHH/Benoit main event, but with Iron Man 4 now coming to a free TV show near you, maybe that's not the case.  Or maybe it still is.  I just don't know, though.  I figure we'll know more after Monday night...
   
  Things also aren't clear at any other level: they've also already blown the wad on an Orton/Edge rematch, so doing THAT for a third time at SummerSlam might not be the plan.  Maybe the two spots where things DO seem kind of clear: the tag and women's divisions, where Tajiri/Rhyno seem to be ramping up to a title shot, and where we know Victoria is set for a match against Trish as soon as Trish is healthy (although, even if she's well enough to go at SS, maybe they shouldn't: Trish already gets cheered loudly enough everywhere else, they don't need her trying to be a heel in her own hometown).
   
  A month ago, I would have told you that Kane vs. Shawn Michaels was a lock for SummerSlam, too, but every week that goes by when they don't at least reference Michaels makes me wonder. Then again, Shawn's unique situation is that he's a big enough star that he could show up a week before the PPV, and they'd get it locked in.
  
  Actually, talking about all RAW's options, it makes me realize that if they DO end up running with the "obvious" choices like the tag title match and Trish/Victoria and Shawn/Kane, you're already up to three matches.  You know what might be cool if they need to do some consolidating of their own? Evolution vs. Benoit/Edge/Jericho/Regal.  BAM!  Eight birds with one stone.
   
  Think about it: Regal got into it with HHH last week. No matter WHAT happens with Iron Man, you can always keep things going with Benoit and HHH, too.  Jericho just got suckered back into what I'd thought was a dead issue with Batista, and that's GOTTA be for a reason. And Edge/Orton, that can't be done; and even if it IS "resting," Edge still has two more Evolution members he's gonna be targeting, right? Doing the match in Canada makes it even MORE appealing to have Benoit, Edge, and Jericho together.  You even have opportunities to keep playing Edge in this tweener-ish role, if you want, and he'd STILL get cheered in Toronto (and if the plan IS to turn him, what better way than to turn on Benoit and Jericho IN CANADA?).  Obviously, with Eugene being "retired," you might figure some way to include him on the periphery, if you wanted.
   
  I didn't really mean to get all into a Fantasy Booking scenario, here, but frankly, I got nothing else to talk about tonight, so whatever...  this is what passes for entertaining reading.  Although, to be honest, I've had WAY worse ideas than this.  I'm digging the idea of taking advantage of some of the crossways storytelling on RAW to bring this match together as a main event at SS.  As a bonus, the venue just so happens to mean that it'd have MAD heat, and these 8 guys would work an awesome match, to boot.  You could even do it elimination style, if you wanted, to really draw it out.
   
  Yeah!  So even if I didn't even mean to do this, I just stumbled across what I think is an awesome idea.  Feel free to worship my unintentional genius at your leisure!
   
  So here: I'm actually gonna just go ahead and figure SummerSlam for a SEVEN match card, with RAW getting the short end in terms of number of matches, but also getting the Main Event Spot and 45 minutes for the biggest match of the night, in exchange.  Sorry, Trish/Victoria, but I think you can be better done at a later date!  My line-up:
   
  Evolution vs. Benoit/Edge/Jericho/Regal (RAW Main Event)
  Kurt Angle vs. Eddie Guerrero (SD! Main Event)
  Kane vs. Shawn Michaels
  Undertaker vs. JBL (WWE Title)
  John Cena vs. Booker T vs. Luther Reigns (US Title)
  Rhyno/Tajiri vs. La Resistance (World Tag Titles)
  Dudley Family vs. Rey/Kidman/London
   
  C'mon: you'd pay to see this one, wouldn't you!
   
  
• And another reason why I don't feel bad devolving into fantasy booking is because what passes for today's biggest "news" is really just a depressing airing of personal laundry that qualifies more as pointless gossip than anything...
   
  But what the hell, I'm scraping bottom here...
   
  So yesterday, Joanie "Chyna" Laurer was on the Howard Stern show.  She was mostly there to promote a transsexual beauty pageant that she was hosting, I guess. I will refrain from making a joke.  But of course Stern being Stern, he had to dig in and ask about her personal life.  And so she talked about what an asshole HHH is, and how he's trying to steal X-Pac away from her by putting him in rehab so he can have a job with WWE again, and so on and so forth.
   
  I'd say more about the appearance, except that of course we don't get Stern here in podunk Dayton, OH, and thus, I'd merely be rehashing e-mails I'd gotten on the subject.  And I learned long ago that when the only things you have to say are mean and snarky, sometimes it's best to let somebody else say them so you don't have to take the heat yourself!  WHEEE!
   
  So here is OO Reader Steve's report of just how embarassingly-bad Chyna's appearance on Stern was:
   
  Joanie Laurer, or "Chynna Doll" as she addresses herself, was on Howard Stern Thursday and I thought I'd deliver these tidbits to you:
  
  -Was emotionally distressed throughout the entire interview;  seems to be nearing a nervous   breakdown
  
  -Refers to HHH solely as "Triple Ass"
  
  -Claims that HHH came and retrieved Sean Waltman from a hotel room that both Laurer & Waltman were residing at for the purpose of sending Waltman to rehab; this is supposedly so Sean can clean up and return the WWE
  
  -Played a song accompanied by her brother Toby playing a noticably out of tune 12-string.   Laurer's performance drove one person in studio to laughter, it was horribly bad.  Howard and his co-workers politely praised it in the same way one praises a mentally ill person who will probably kill themself if you honestly tell them they suck a gangrenous penis.
  
  -Took calls from the listening audience, all of them hatefully hilarious jabs at her having a cock and things of that nature.   Laurer nervously laughed it off at first but then fought back with retorts so poor I now believe she is mentally retarded
  
  -Plugged the transexual beauty pageant that she was hosting later in the day.
  
  -Admitted to filming a sex tape with Sean Waltman that she might release.  I proceed to vomit and and then gouge my eyes out so that I never will see such a terrible crime against humanity.
  
  Well that's probably way more than you wanted to know, but I thought I'd join the few who would e-mail you with a report and try to help out.  I've followed your wrestling commentary since your days with Mike Samuda. Keep up the good work.
   
  Yeah, kinda crushes your faith in humanity, doesn't it? 
   
  Anyway, for his part, Sean "X-Pac" Waltman DID respond on his official message board, basically taking as much of the high road as he could. He admitted that a month ago, he entered a rehab facility in Atlanta that is supposedly the best in the world, and that yes, HHH and Vince McMahon are footing the bill (out of their own pockets, not with WWE money) because they are friends and NOT because there is any assumption that Waltman could or would ever work for WWE as a wrestler again.  He also said that no matter what Joanie said, he still loves her and hopes nothing but the best for her.  And then (goddammit) he confirmed the sex tape is real and said he doesn't care if she does release it because there's nothing to be ashamed about. DAMN YOU WALTMAN, if you won't get the lawyers involved, do we have to do it ourselves?!?
   
  Kidding, kidding... I'm sure it's a very beautiful expression of the purest, sweetest love, and there's nothing wrong with that, right?  Of course.  Just keep nodding your head as if I'm still giving orders...
   
  So: do you feel stupider for having read this "news"? Cuz I feel stupider for having had to write about it.
   
  
• My old running buddy Alex Marvez recently interviewed Hulk Hogan for his syndicated wrestling column, and though there was no explicitly stated "Never ever again" moment, it kinda sounds like Hogan's interest in ever wrestling again has waned to near zero, and he's WAY more interested in helping his daughter out with her singing career.
   
  Not helping matters: Hogan recently had hip replacement surgery, so there's a certain recovery time involved there (but it would not be impossible for Hogan to return, as Roddy Piper's been working on a fake hip since the mid-90s). And also, he seemed rather resistant to working with Vince McMahon again. But then again... well, let's just bust out the old chestnut about Hell freezing over in the wrestling business with startling regularity.
   
  
• Ummm... hmmmm....
   
  OK, so everybody knows I have no faith in Pregnant Lita turning out well (despite the fact that it has sucked less the past 2 weeks).  But for some reason, I keep getting a steady stream of e-mail from people suggesting various scenarios, and a STARTLING number of them are prefaced by "What if Lita really is pregnant and is gonna have a baby next spring?"...  I guess some people believe WWE is just trying to turn a real life pregnancy into a storyline.
   
  I'd just assumed it was a foregone conclusion that MOST of us knew this was not the case.  So for the record: this is not the case.  OK?  Just use your heads: for the "she's really pregnant" theory to work, you have to have WWE creative having the idea and introducing it on TV in April (when Kane's stalking of Lita began), then have Matt and Lita get to work on the baby-making in May (either by orders of WWE creative or just by happy coincidence) to have the timeline work out.  Which is ass-backwards logic if ever I've heard it.
   
  Yes, everybody and their uncle expects WWE to go full-term with this storyline, but no it's not because Lita's really in the family way. 
   
  
• Let's see, what else is there in the ol' mail sack?  Oh, I got one...
   
  The NEW first effort from WWE's film division will be called "The Marine" and will star John Cena in the titular role.  According to published reports, filming begins in September with a budget of $15 million and a director who's experience is limited to TV commercials.  I'll refrain from comment, but I hope you all know what I'm thinking at this precise moment.
   
  Anyway, reading between the lines.... first and foremost, this means that SD! will likely be without it's #2 or #3 babyface for about 2 months this fall (unless the fact that this is being produced by WWE's in-house film division means they'll go out of their way to make sure Cena gets Tuesdays off, or at least SOME Tuesdays), which might stall some of their momentum.  And secondly, I think this announcement pretty much puts the nail in the coffin of WWE's plans to do "Journey of Death" starring HHH.  Or at least, any plans to do it anytime soon.
   
  Thanks to all who sent along the Yahoo! link to the Cena story...
   
  
• A few people also mailed in about that "Push!ng the Lope Entertainment suing WWE about the Diva Search concept" story that I hilariously skewered in Wednesday's update... AND DON'T WORRY: this will be the only mention of the Diva Search in today's column!
   
  Anyway, they said that they think the story originated on the PW Torch website, and then circulated to some of the lesser newsboards and whatnot, so anybody who forwarded it to me, likely it came from the Torch.  Those readers also noted that they weren't surprised that I couldn't get any additional information from my meager sources (or even confirm the existence of the company supposedly suing WWE), since they said no other major sites had the story, and I might have been right to call "bullshit" on it.
   
  One guy even spun a yarn about the Torch publishing something a month or so back about a cable access TV show suing WWE over the "Eugene" character, and that never surfaced anywhere else and also apparently amounted to nothing, so he was thinking somebody's just having fun spoofing the Torch.  I never heard anything about that Eugene story, but if that's true, it does kinda seem like a trend, doesn't it?
   
  Not meant as a slam on the Torch or its I'm-sure-very-fine readers, or anything... but sometimes I don't mind being a day behind and having the time to doublecheck things and think them through a bit, instead of just rushing to get a scOOp!
   
  
• For those interested, Jeff Hardy officially became a full time member of the TNA roster this week.  Well, actually, I guess the deal might have been done a couple weeks previous, but for TV purposes, Jeff showed up on the PPV on Wednesday night and signed his contract, and was immediately boosted up to main event/NWA Title Contender status, and will be in the mix with Jeff Jarrett and Ahmed Johnson... I mean, Monty Brown.
   
  
• When I talked about Wednesday night's "indie super show" in Hawaii, I was working with out-dated information... turns out that Scott Hall pulled out of the show at the virtual last second, and was replaced by Dallas Page.  Not too shabby of a job covering by Don Muraco's HCW!
  
  You can get the full report from the show -- which also featured Rikishi's first post-WWE-firing match, Sting making a rare appearance, the Great Muta, a few TNA stars opting for the HCW payday, and lots more! -- courtesy of Rocky Swift.
   
  
• And a last, utterly pointless thing, since I need to fill up a bit more space...
   
  At some point earlier this week, I talked about how I'd missed a great expanse of South Park episodes cuz I thought the show had started to suck, but then came back when I found out it didn't. Commensurate with that realization, my DVR is now recording shows OTHER than the Wednesday 10pm showings...
   
  And [cartman]GODDAMMIT[/cartman], I found ANOTHER fricking awesome one I never knew existed just two nights ago: the David Blaine/Super Best Friends one.  So cop to it, fan boys, and help me out and tell me the other really good ones I've missed.  I'm talking about anything between about 2000 (whenever the season was that they tried to change the formula and go to fourth-grade-and-not-killing-Kenny, I'm thinking... whenever they did the not-very-funny hour long one that was a sequel to the VERY funny movie with Saddam and whatnot) and last fall (I don't remember the first one I saw, but it was the "season" with the hi-fricking-larious Mormon episode... dum da dum dum dum!).  Wish I could be more specific, but I'm thinking my South Park black-out was probably 3 years, mid-2000 to mid-2003.
   
  So what else outstanding did I miss?  Please, do not include the "Lord of the Rings" one or the "Scott Tederman" (Tenorman? Tenderman? You know the one I mean, with Radiohead, it's freaking great) one or the "Simpsons Did It" one. Those ones, individually, got enough praise that I borrowed videos and/or Kazaa'ed them... but other than that, seriously, help me out. Oh, and not the Christopher Reeve one, either, since I just saw that one last weekend on that marathon.  But other than that, really, help me out so I can make sure my DVR gets 'em.
   
  
• And before I screw you guys and go home, I'll TRY to make this about wrestling, in a very circuitous way:  another Comedy Central show that I have a fluctuating interest in is "Tough Crowd" and this week it had a patented PW Torch "Suckered You Into Clicking This Link, Sucker, Wrestling Reference," except I'm pretty sure nobody there's cool enough to include it as one of their obscure references. Or maybe they are and I'm just an asshole, I don't care...
   
  The point: Colin was talking about the Hispanics and their hatred of poultry (both poultry-on-poultry violence and a recent supposed news event where Hispanics were stomping on the poultry, which for him was freaking gut-bustingly funny)... and in the doing, he mentioned how they got "all WCW" on the chickens and specifically mentioned Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero.  Which only struck me as extra-funny because I'm used to people still using "WWF," but it's been a good long time since I've been watching something and had somebody bust out "WCW" on me.  And not only bust it out, but get two of their best performers of the Nitro Era's names on TV, too. Yo, Colin, 1997 called, and it wants it's pop culture references back!  HA!
   
  [Hey, Scaia: David Spade called, and he wants his When You Were In College And Staying Home On Weekends And Being Lame SNL References Back!  D'oh.....]
   
  Anyway, that's my closing.  Rey Mysterio is still famous~!  I don't even really like "Tough Crowd" THAT much.  But I was vaguely tolerant of Quinn when he took over for Nealon on "Weekend Update" and didn't suck QUITE as bad and thus was a savior by comparison.  So I gave his TV show enough of a look, when it debuted, that I grew to like his assembled band of goons WAY more than I like his stuttering, usually-unfunny ass... they really are a wickedly funny bunch of regulars he surrounds himself with, and I'm a sucker for the chop-busting "meta-comedy" they sometimes bust out when someone bombs.  And if he created the format and/or writes the show, he really is putting them guys in spots to shine, which is not a bad thing.  Plus, he comes on after the Daily Show, which had BETTER be on your daily routine, so c'mon, there's worse things to DVR at 1:30 in the morning, right?
   
  Of course I'm right.  And when Quinn is extra obnoxious, I got that FF button, don't I.  Damn skippy.  Not even DiPaolo  or Norton can save him, then!
   
  
• Alright, I've rambled enough and I THINK I'm up to 30-something KB, so this is almost like a real column.  I'm out.  I'll see you on Monday, when GODDAMMIT, I'll be stoked for Iron Man 4, and possibly be allotting a special Extra Drinking Night (and implementing the Live Sporting Event/No Time Shifting Rule) for the occasion. We'll see. It'll be a Game Time Decision.  
   
  Not that you care... I know that.  So just tune in Monday to get my full preview of the show and wank-laden thoughts on how HHH/Benoit might rule the universe.
   
  Or don't.  No skin off my nose.