But now I'm past the box, so let's just cut the crap.  We ride:

• Well, we usually kick of Wednesday with some more RAW analysis, and who am I to buck tradition? So while I got to say PART of my piece in Yesterday's RAW Recap, there's a bit more to talk about from RAW here today...
   
  I think you start at the top, with what I dubbed the "30 Seconds of Suck."  Which yeah, in retrospect is a bit harsh, but realize that you not only had my Orton-related annoyance to deal with, but I was also pissy over Road-Runner-related issues, too.  But honestly, I cannot remember the last time I had THAT much wind knocked out of my sails with one blow.
   
  Making it worse is that it's not like I went into RAW expected to get so personally vested in the show.  A mix of some good and some bad, I thought, just another Slightly-Misguided Monday Night RAW. And then a few things happened: first, even the potentially obnoxious bits weren't so bad (and yeah, I'm one who felt some genuine relief that the Pregnant Lita angle was killed off), then you had an outstanding Jericho/Michaels mid-show anchor (which also served to tantalize me over FUTURE storyline prospects), and finally, you had the main event in which Randy Orton got written out leading me to suspect WWE was actually gonna do something creative and interesting with their "interactive PPV" gimmick by putting Benoit or Benjamin over Evolution.
   
  At 11:05pm, I was digging RAW more than I have in many weeks.  By 11:07pm, I was sitting in silent, frustrated awe at how utterly and completely WWE is failing to do anything right at the very top level.  It was frustrating just on a Fan Level (which is where I was after such a surprisingly fun show), because yeah, I was pumped up for Benoit probably being the one to score a win and win another week of immunity from the tag title scene.  When Orton, of whom I admit to not being particularly fond, showed up and scooped that heat, it wasn't Internet Jack-Off Me who screamed in agony; trust me, that was Wrestling Fan Me. I wasn't thinking about the backstage manueverings, I was just pissed that the wrestler I liked just got screwed by a wrestler I didn't like.  Simple, base, spirit-sapping.
   
  But what made it such a wind-out-of-the-sails blow was that the double whammy followed up shortly thereafter. The switch is flipped into Internet Jack-Off mode, and a second, even more debilitating wave of frustration swept over me: because that choice of a finish showcased a complete lack of Wrestling IQ on the part of whoever is booking this stuff.  I mean, a TOTAL lack.  And for all my bitching, whining, and boasting, I usually understand that there's a reason THEY are doing that job, and I am doing this one.  But when I watch for three straight months as WWE apparently TRIES to accomplish one thing with Randy Orton while booking him in such a way that it WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAPPEN, it's so fucking frustrating to watch the mediocrity and the missteps and to be able to predict them and expect them with the same deep-seated blend of loathing and certitude that I imagine Boston Red Sox fans feel every October.
   
  You know what I mean: Sox fans don't WANT to lose down the stretch or in the playoffs, but it's so ingrained in them that they EXPECT it at a base level just because it's happened every year since they traded the Babe, and it's probably one of the worst, most vomit-inducing feelings in all of sport to WANT one thing but to EXPECT the exact opposite. And as a wrestling fan, I don't WANT Randy Orton to suck and be a failure at the main event level, but after three months of watching what WWE's doing with the kid, what else am I supposed to expect?  If they haven't gotten the hints by now, they aren't gonna.  They're gonna stay the course, and I'll be left, like Red Sox fans everywhere hoping naively to NOT be the Yankees' bitch again this year, to watch as WWE passes over myriad fine options for actually HELPING Orton's career in favor of, at the last second, doing the expected.
   
  Was there a point in there, or am I just gearing up for the October Smacktalk Season?  I'm not sure.  But I think there actually WAS a point over the exact type of pain and agony I feel every time WWE screws the fricking pooch with Orton.
   
  And don't give me the "Oh, but Rick, if you were just fair and LISTENED, you'd hear that the fans are actually cheering for Orton" crap, either.  OK, I grant that WWE's idiotic scheme has successfully turned Orton into a babyface.  No argument there, Orton Fellators!  I stand by every argument I ever made and every fantasy booking I ever did in which Orton stayed heel and HHH turned face to set up their match, and still think that's the way the two guys COULD have had a blow-away big-money feud that would actually have "WM Main Event" written all over it.  But as much as I feel I was right on that, hey, whatever, I grant that at the present time, Orton has successfully been turned, and HHH is managing to still get booed.  Mostly.
   
  But just use your heads for a second: turning Orton babyface was NOT WWE's goal these last few months.  Turning Orton into the Show Carrying #1 Babyface was the goal.  And that simply has NOT happened.  You want to take a macro view and take into account how fans-at-large respond and stuff and make me admit, "OK, so Orton's a babyface"?  Fine, I can do that.  But in the macro view, all of a sudden, I can bring some other names into this argument and point out that not only is Orton NOT the #1 Babyface WWE wants him to be, it's quite possible he's not #2, maybe not #3, possibly not even #4.
   
  They gave him the World Title, they've tried him as a nice guy/standard babyface, they've tried bringing back the disrespectful asshole vibe, they've had him take the sympathetic babyface beatdown, and they've had him execute the counterpoint superhero babyface beatdown. But it's all been done with seemingly NO long term plan (or an ill-conceived long-term plan, if there is one), with the end result being that while fans now believe they should cheer for Orton, there is absolutely nothing so inherently likeable or believable or respectable or anythingable about Orton that he engenders cheers for anything other than his Latest Random Circumstance.  This should have been a Character Building three months; this should have been a Great Match Having, In Ring Resume Building three months; this should have been a Storyline Built on Genuine Drama and Conflict and Not on Some Bullshit Made-Up Concept Like Destiny three months.
   
  Instead, it's been 3 months of it being obvious that WWE desperately WANTS to make Orton into their top babyface, but not having any over-arcing storyline that feels like it's building to something, and instead is comprised of seemingly-unrelated, non-building-on-each other "moments."  Like I said: yes, he is a babyface (and in that, maybe he actually does exceed my expectations, since I thought we'd be weeks into Mutinous Cheers For HHH by now).  But I think you can make a pretty strong case that Shawn Michaels is RAW's most bankable Fan Favorite at this time.  Behind him, it's a bit of a log-jam, and maybe Orton's a part of it, maybe he's stuck behind it; but if you try to tell me that Orton is appreciably ahead of Jericho and Benoit in terms of fan reaction, then you're deluding yourself.
   
  I even think you might make a case that Kane is on the cusp of competing with Orton for that #4 spot, at this time.  But more on THAT later.
   
  And since this is supposed to be RAW analysis, let's break this back down into the Micro View, and just talk about Monday. Another argument that I get a lot of in the ol mailbox is "Hey, WWE wants to push Orton, so what else were they supposed to do for the finish to RAW?"... it's like I'm supposed to give WWE a free pass or bonus points for "tenacity" or "consistency," when the only thing they are consistently doing is tenaciously pursuing an ass-backward plan.  
   
  Look, I still might do a big-ass thing about character versus gimmick and that will be the more-involved, more-clearly-stated version of this argument, but to keep this short, I'll say this: the BEST THING WWE could do for Randy Orton if they want to push him is to give him something to do that fans will believe in and care about.  If you sit there and say that just doing these superficial/surface type things are the only elements of a "Big Push," then you're only talking about "Big Pushes That Failed."  A Big Push that works combines these superficial, superhero "highspots" with a whole class of other things (related to character, storylines, and in-ring performance) that goose the fans into CRAVING those superficial happy endings because they just like a guy THAT much.
   
  This has not happened with Orton, and as long as they stay this course, it won't.  Just as a quick example: you know what's dumb and boring as a storyline?  Destiny.  It's not real, it's a cheap cop-out.  But you know what MIGHT work as a storyline? FAILED Destiny.  How is ANYone supposed to care about the guy who backs into title matches, wins them, and attributes it to "destiny"?  But give me a guy who has his Moments of Doubt and Shame, give me a guy who has to deal with both external conflicts and inner conflicts, give me a guy who can (and christ, 87 IQ and all, I *know* Randall can pull this off) find something more interesting about his current dilemma to talk about besides how he challenges the audience to a no-t-shirt contest, and maybe you got something. 
   
  Orton, in the last 3 months, has NEVER had to deal with that, has NEVER had a single thing "relateable" about his situation. If you expect people to cheer for him (enthusiastically, and NOT just because he's past the point of critical mass on Accrued Superficial Moments), you gotta make us LIKE him.  I honestly still think that WWE is stuck with a handful of enthusiastic Orton fans who cheer the guy for the reason I posited months ago: because they are the same kind of shallow, mildly-retarded, cologne-wearing tool-boxes that Orton acts like on TV.  They look up to the guy and want to emulate him.  And that's different from honestly LIKING him.
   
  So am I saying that I therefore instantly book Randy Orton to be a miserable failure, and THIS is my solution?  Of course not, idiots.  I just don't have him go from IC Title loser to World Title challenger in one night without even addressing his loss.  I probably don't have him win said World Title in his first shot.  I certainly don't have him bringing back the concept of "destiny" just when I thought it was dead to win that six-man tag Monday on RAW.  I slow it all down, I spread the accomplishments out, and more importantly, in between them, I FUCKING TELL A STORY ABOUT THE BREAK-UP OF EVOLUTION AND THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS OF ORTON'S QUEST FOR GOLD, INSTEAD OF THIS ONE-DIMENSIONAL CRAP THEY'RE SPEWING.
   
  Specifically on Monday?  Well, let's just say that finish combined with Orton's promo earlier, and it's just more of that superficial "Hey, it must be his destiny" obviobooking by WWE. They're thinking "Hey, we just had Randy Orton no-sell death to come back and win a match, so now the fans HAVE to vote for him as the #1 Contender, which is what we want to happen, because if it doesn't then it means that the fans have minds of their own and that we've failed as writers for the last three months."
   
  But, stop, pause, think: what did Orton do on Monday night? He never tagged legally into the match till the final thirty seconds, and did none of the work.  He blind-tagged himself in.  He then pinned a 55-year-old man who had just taken two of Chris Benoit's finishers.  See what I mean?  On the glossy/superficial level, it maybe gets a kneejerk cheer because it's the babyface doing the superhero routine.  But break it down, and what did Orton REALLY accomplish? Nothing.  Pinned an old man after his teammates did all the work.  This is supposed to make me cheer him?  Make ANYbody cheer him?
   
  So now, I think we can all book along with WWE: the supposed drama and tension over #1 Contender Voting will be predicated on Orton saying "Hey, I won that match and before that, hey, I got robbed by Evolution, and hey, where were you when I was jumping out of a cake" and stuff, while Benoit and Benjamin are given whiny heel material like "But wah wah, we did all the work in that match, and wah wah, maybe it was months ago, but we've both beaten HHH and you never have, wah wah."  And WWE will expect fans to react a certain way (positively towards Orton's recent antics, dismissively towards Benoit and Benjamin having to reference 4 months ago to have a reason to face HHH).  I'm not ENTIRELY sure they'll get their wish, though.  I wasn't the only one who had the air knocked from his sails on Monday; on this one, I think the live crowd was kinda underwhelmed by Orton's sudden run-in before they knee-jerk popped for the finish.
   
  [This is a Total pRick Tangent: but do you remember a week ago, when Orton was getting beat up by Evolution in a handicap match? Do you remember what the crowd was chanting at the time?  "Benoit, Benoit, Benoit."  When Randy's in front of them, the crowd wants Benoit.  FF to this week: Benoit's in the ring, the victim of a Spinebuster in another handicap match.  What is the crowd chanting?  Well, I don't remember any chants, specifically, but there was a grand total of ZERO demand for "Randy, Randy, Randy" at that juncture.  Please, Orton Fellators, explain how your boy is the hands-down, undeniable #1 babyface on RAW and how there's nothing incongruous or frustrating about the way they are shoving him down our throats and that I'm just one Internet Jack-Off and I should shut up and go along with the crowd for me again. I'm listening.]
   
  How's a better way to play it?  Well, *if* Orton had to come back, then tagging in for 5 seconds and pinning Flair after Benoit had done all the damage accomplishes nothing.  It might even be counterproductive, if only fans would stop to think about it.  But why did Orton have to come back for the save at all?  In fact, you could do a MUCH more compelling, much more evenly-told, much-less-shoved-down-our-throats "failed destiny" story if you just leave Orton in the locker room.  He doesn't lose the match, he doesn't really look bad at all.  But he doesn't win, he doesn't follow through on his promise, and his teammates (it doesn't even matter if it's Benjamin or Benoit, cuz the other one would necessarily get his own win a week later) steal the show with a remarkable 2-on-3 win (where the story is no longer "hey, they pinned the old guy," it's "hey, they overcame 2-on-3 odds and beat the other team").  How does Orton react to that?  Does he get jealous and regain a heelish edge?  Is he just happy that Evolution took a loss? Suddenly, Orton has to act like a real person, instead of a pretty, pretty shell of one, and MAYBE fans will react to it in such a way that they WANT to vote for him, that they WANT to see him get the shot.
   
  But the point is, the voting (at least between those three) would seem like it was genuine, like the story was being told with the intent to let US decide, instead of told with the ending already in place.  Orton didn't have to lose, didn't have to look bad at all on Monday... he just DIDN'T HAVE TO SWOOP IN AND WIN, either.  I defy anyone to explain to me how that was in any way good for Randy specifically, or good for the main event title picture in general.
   
  Fin.  There, you have my explanation for why I came down so hard on the Thirty Seconds of Suck.
   
  The rest of the show?
   
  Well, Jericho/Michaels rocked for every reason that you'd expect it would.  Quality ringwork, good heat from the fans (especially by the end, when Jericho almost pulled even with Michaels in terms of popularity), and as part of an over-arching story that DEFINITELY leads me to believe there's more of this goodness on the way.
   
  Kane and Lita?  An interesting dichotomy.  The first segment with Kane declaring Snitsky to be a dead man was kinda cool, and it felt like (whatever stupidity there is related to Lita and her baby), the Kane character itself might be rehabbed a bit on this night. I mean, they took it a bit more "real" after they went 110% campy with the wedding; and I gotta tell you that I'm a fan of sacrificing Snitsky to Kane to help him regain some of his Monster Edge after these last few months.
   
  But then the second segment was more over-blown, incongruous nonsense.  I mean, again, maybe this is a "points for consistency" issue, since Kane obviously cared deeply about having an offspring, so his over-acting might make sense in that regard.  But contextually, I don't think fans ever really bought into why Kane cared about the baby, and the fans NEVER cared about the baby themselves, so it was just... I dunno, overwrought and lame.  But on the upside, the end story is that Lita is pregnant no more, and THAT, kids, is a good thing.  Because there have been PARTS of Horny Chuckling Husband Kane that have been mildly amusing; if we can somehow remove the baby aspect that nobody ever really bought into and find another dynamic for Kane and Lita AND combine all that with the Beating of Snitsky and Kane once again being a compelling bad-ass?  Hey, maybe the damage done wasn't permanent....
   
  [Fantasy Projection Sidebar: there are essentially three ways to go at this point.  (1) Lita and Kane stay together as heels.  (2) Lita and Kane stay together as babyfaces.  And (3) Lita and Kane split up, most likely with Kane remaining the heel and Lita the face.  I think maybe the ways you accomplish each thing are kinda obvious, but it IS starting to be kind of interesting to realize that I don't know which of the three seems the most likely... I mean, the "swerve" of Lita deciding she really likes Kane (maybe because he stood by her during this last trying week) with them both going heel could be a fun thing to pull, especially if you save it till Matt comes back to TV.  But then there's this Snitsky thing, where Kane REALLY came off like a strong babyface and fans will be red hot for the assassination of Snitsky, and maybe we get a full on face turn combined with Lita being so impressed with how Kane stood up for her with Snitsky that she actually becomes a willing spouse.  And of course, you COULD just have Kane realize that without an offspring in her womb, and without much of a chance to get Lita in the sack again, there's really no point to having her around screwing up his affairs, so he ditches her/divorces her/whatever.]
   
  On other thing about the Death of Snitsky: I keep joking about it, but one reader feared that there is more Suck on the way, and that WWE, after doing a miscarriage angle, might actually do a real murder angle with Snitsky.  Snitsky shows up dead, police are involved, and investigation is launched, Kane is suspect Numero Uno.  This reader went so far as to suggest Kane would have to spend time in jail.  Which, although it might be a way to write him off TV when he goes off to make a movie in a few months, doesn't seem like it could possibly go down this way.  WWE had to un-kill Paul Bearer a few months ago, fer chrissakes, because they have posted rules about murder on their shows.  And plus: I don't even want to contemplate how retarded such a story could get.  Yes, Snitsky takes a wicked beating.  But no, WWE doesn't try to become "Cop Drama."  Again, I reference my longheld belief that no matter what nonsense flows forth from Vince McMahon's mouth, wrestling needs to Be The Best Wrestling Show It Can Be, instead of hiring Hollywood writers so they can dabble in other crap that doesn't fit in.
   
  Only other real stories:  Trish's promo saved the Diva Search thing from being a total waste... the way some of the pieces are fitting together in the tag division (HurriTurn? Maven beats a tag champ, maybe needs a partner?) turned some of the Heat-tastic matches into fun throwaways...  and I might not personally perfer it this way, the the Flukey Stacy Win is probably the best story WWE can tell with the women's division right now, so that wasn't so bad, either.
   
  Really, more good and more fun than I'm probably giving RAW credit to with my pissy tone.... but that's what 30 seconds of suck'll do for you.  The complete, less-pissy details remain yours for the taking in the RAW Recap.
   
  
• RAW's rating on Monday was a 3.7. That is a gain of 0.1 from the week before, and again probably counts as little more than a moral victory for RAW.  Yes, they once again held serve against football and other new fall shows.  But no, fans weren't so enthralled by Vince's "Mystery Announcement" that they showed up in vast numbers.
   
  Consider the one-tenth gain statistically insignificant.  Consider the significant story to be that RAW seems to have found it's little niche for the new fall season, and has performed there (3.5-3.7) pretty steadily for about a month now.  How healthy the niche is?  I leave that decision up to you....
   
  
• The WrestleMania 21 press conference in Los Angeles today was a largely pointless bit of fluffery.  No wrestler spoke for over 2 or 3 minutes, nobody really broke character, nothing...
   
  The only item of note is that during Vince McMahon's slightly more extended comments, he made it quite clear that WrestleMania will feature RAW vs. SD! "interpromotional" matches again this year.  He sort of snuck it in as a ground rule about how WM is the only PPV of the year where that could happen (umm, Vince?  30 Man Royal Rumble?), so fans should be excited for all the possibilities that can only happen at the Granddaddy of 'em All.
   
  Cena vs. Orton's the only thing that they've even teased on that front, as far as I can tell... and not to harp on this issue or anything, but it made a HELL of a lot more sense when Orton was a heel.  So we'll see.
   
  
• The WM21 press conference was this afternoon because tickets for the event go on sale on Saturday.  The Staples Center is the smallest venue for a WM since 2000, with fewer than 17,000 seats available to the public at the on sale date (a few more hundred, at most, will probably follow once WWE finalizes their in-house configuration).  So between the WM Sizzle and the small venue, I'm sure that WM21 will be a quick sell-out despite wrestling's overall decline in popularity over the last year or two.
   
  If you want to try to snag your tickets early, there is an internet pre-sale that begins Friday morning at 9am.  What I'm NOT sure about is if that's 9am (eastern), which is what I always just assume; or if it's 9am (Pacific), because that is where the venue is located.  I'd SUGGEST making sure you start trying at 9am (eastern), though, just in case.
   
  The password for the presale is "kayfabe," though one of the people who passed it along made a big fat hairy deal about how it's "KAYFABE" and you have to CAPITALIZE it if you want it to work.  So try it both ways.  
   
  FYI: only a few thousand tickets (spread throughout all price ranges) will be released as part of the presale.  Very good seats in every price range will STILL be available for the Official On Sale on Saturday morning at 10am (again, eastern or Pacific, I have no idea).  So to those of you giving WM21 a try, good luck figuring out your ticket strategy, and I hope things work out!
   
  
• The four superstars who will be included in Special Interviews on SD! tomorrow night are: Mick Foley, Stephanie McMahon, Steve Austin, and Hulk Hogan.  All appeared in pre-taped bits that will be spread out over the course of the show.  I'll not spoil the details, but basically all four talk about their favorite memories.
   
  You'd all better thank me running late for me not having time to come up with a "favorite mammaries" joke with regards to Steph at this rushed juncture.  Trust me, those insightful ideas in the expansive RAWnalysis are what you want, not Steph's bOObs' jokes, anyway.
   
  Not present in any capacity: the Rock.  So axe that little nugget of Ricksclusive nonsense from your skull.  He wasn't hyped at all because he wasn't there at all!
   
  For the most part, it sounds like a fun show (with additional, in-arena guest stars above and beyond the four mentioned, as well), and if you just can't wait, you can get Fifth Anniversary SD! Spoilers by clicking right here.
   
  
• Last thing for today's column: I strongly encourage you all to read the transcript from this recent Kurt Angle interview (conducted by the UK tabloid, The Sun). 
   
  With there being a shift in sentiment lately about how Angle is perceived by other wrestlers, and thus, among Internet Jack-Offs who think that they need to have the same criteria for who they like and don't like as actual wrestlers have backstage, it's interesting to hear Angle talk about himself and how he sees himself fitting in with the company.
   
  To be honest, I *don't* know for sure exactly how Angle has altered his behavior since coming back from action, I *don't* know if he's starting to look out for himself to the detriment of others, and mostly I *don't* know that even if I knew what Angle was really doing, that I'd be equipped to really comprehend the significance the same way somebody who is IN THE LOCKER ROOM WITH ANGLE EVERY NIGHT would.  So I tend not to put THAT much stock into stuff like HHHating on Backstage Politicians.
   
  So it's with nothing more than frank admiration for Angle's in-ring and on-screen ability that I went into this transcript.  I hope you do the same.  Because otherwise, I can see the wrong types of pundits getting the wrong ideas about some of the things Angle said.  Like that parts where he says he honestly believes he's the best in the business when he's healthy, and how it's true that he would very much like to face Taker at WM21 and that Taker feels the same way and that they'll work together to make it happen.  OHHHHH  CONSPIRACY!
   
  Anyway, for me, it was a nice shot of honesty, and hey, if Angle and Taker are conspiring to headline WM21, I think there's something noble about just coming out and saying "Hey, the two top guys should fight at WrestleMania, and I think we're the two top guys, so yeah, that's what we want to do," instead of clamming up and not admitting to anything.  It probably helps that I 100% concur with Angle's statement about him being the best in the business when he's healthy.
   
  Anyway, check out the transcript.  There's good stuff in there that may or not meet your standards for Controversial Angle Hatin' Fodder, and there's a whole lot more on unrelated issues (including Angle's relationship with Brock, his favorite matches, and a VERY high compliment for Jamie Noble that had to have been issued before Noble's dismissal).
   
  Check it out, already.
   
  
• On that note, I'm finished.  Does Jeb Lund return from a trying past month of battling Personal Demons tomorrow?  You bet he does.  So don't miss that!  And then I'll try to scare something up for you on Friday, my own self.
   
  As I said last Wednesday, I've got a couple pots simmering, though I'm leaning towards just killing the "Hail to the Crap" thing entirely (on the grounds that no matter how funny *I* thought it was, it loses relevance with each passing week that WWE doesn't actually introduce their Presidential Election that I'd been assured they were gonna run).  So whether it's one of my other feature-y ideas or just a standard Friday newsbites collection, come on back over the weekend to see what the Rick is cooking.
   
  Till then, kids.....