But that's neither here nor there.  Well, actually, it is "there." But "here" is Online Onslaught dot com, your home for the finest wrestling coverage in all the land.  Once I get around to it:

• We'll start briefly with a rehash of last night's No Mercy PPV... but only briefly, since I really did already say my piece in the immediate post-show recap.
   
  I guess I didn't have the highest of expectations for the show, but I've also been really enjoying the overall SD! product for the last month or two... I guess that's what made it easy to settle in and just enjoy a lot of the No Mercy undercard in a casual sort of Thursday-night way, if that makes sense.  You know, "Well, it ain't reinventing the wheel, but this is more of the good stuff I've been getting to see on SD! since SummerSlam."
   
  And then they ended with the car wreck spot.  Dumbasses.  For the second brand-specific PPV in a row, SD! opts to fade out on a laughably-stupid angle.  And the worst part is: IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE.  I mean, there are ways to have accomplished that very same goal; no less a Wrestling Genius than The Me called for taking advantage of the vehicular-related match gimmick to do a car wreck spot. But that was NOT what I'd envisioned.
   
  What would have been good: weaving the stunt into the flow of the match and into the show so that it didn't fee like such a superfluously gay-ass tag.  Last night, we had to buy into this being a Sudden Unexpected Turn of Events, complete with a quick-cut away from the arena (where  wrestling shows usually take place) to the backstage area for a clearly-choreographed, overly-Hollywood, three-camera shoot. I just wish someone would stop and think about this shit when they are generating the ideas, because it'd be such a simple matter to fix so that it DID seem like a spontaneous development, instead of like an orchestrated piece of crap (and also like a hiccup after the show was already over).
   
  I just HATE it when we get nonsense like this.  It makes me think that every ounce of energy I've ever put into trying to help you all be better wrestling fans is wasted, because WWE can turn around and foist this crap upon you, and by sheer force of repetition, get you to accept that it's OK, that it's NOT stupid, that it's a perfectly reasonable part of a wrestling show.  And it's not.  Not at all.
   
  Can wrestling be "part action-adventure, part drama, part comedy, part love story, part horror film, part whatever- other-form-Vince-McMahon-wants-to-co-opt-even-though- it's-got- nothing-to-do-with-his-product"? Yeah, but only if it's done while remaining essentially true to being 100% Pro Wrestling, and while also observing some of the basic rules of GOOD iterations of action-adventure, drama, comedy, et al.  Blatantly tagged-on fakery with a cheesy pyrotechnic explosion? Not only does it not fit in as part of a wrestling show, it wasn't even good at a dramatic/action level.
   
  If it had to be done, I basically think my idea from Friday would have been about the best way. It would have entailed a slight changing of the rules (so that the hearse had to leave the building entirely, and so that the wrestlers had to drive it themselves), but it would have worked so much better and been so much more impactful (and also would have seemed climactic, rather than like a lame-ass denoument). Of course, after the mood I've been in the last few months about Orton and RAW, I suppose the last thing you want to hear about is how I'm so enthralled with my own ideas that I can't see the good in the way WWE actually did it, right?
   
  Well, OK, so I'll restrain myself.  But I still thing that was an awful, mind-bogglingly dumb way to end a PPV.  And me with my tendencies, a bad ending generally sours my opinion of an entire show.
   
  I'm trying not to let that happen here, but it's hard.  Before the poor finish, Taker/JBL was about as good a brawl as those two could have (but again, the in-ring ceiling is pretty low with JBL, and the sooner he's NOT working 25 minute main events, the better, I say).  I liked Show/Angle even better, and thought it was an excellent example of a Sports Entertainment Segment (with all kinds of bells and whistles and distractions to pad it out to 20 minutes) that was so well-put-together (and well-performed) that you never really had a chance to stop and think about it as anything but a fun wrestling match.  
   
  From a pure work perspective, I think Paul London and Billy Kidman made the most out of their time, hitting some sweet moves (that double-jump, inside-out moonsault by London? I *still* think that was crazy-cool, and about as reckless a spot as you'll see on WWE TV anymore), but also telling a story so that by the end of the match, fans were responding to everything.  Maybe not responding as expected (Kidman was getting cheered for being a huge asshole), but responding loudly, and that, my friends, is a victory unto itself.  You also had more good work in the Spike/Nunzio match, but sadly, here, Nunzio is such a non-factor to anybody but the loyalest of Velocity viewers that it had no sizzle.
   
  Even the tag title match and the six-person mixed tag were really fun, if disposable.  They ate up time and in pretty entertaining fashion, if you ask me.  If there were two spots that dragged all night long, they were the US Title final (even as short as it was, shy of 10 minutes, I'd guess, Booker and Cena REALLY had the stink of "Thursday night" on them in this bland affair; nothing really epic about it at all) and the Eddie/Luther opener (which ended strong, but took a good 10 minutes getting past some awkwardness that seemed uncharacteristic).
   
  But then that tag? Ugh. From surprisingly entertained to predictably annoyed in one 2 minute skit!  Way to manipulate your fans' emotions, WWE!
   
  Again, I'm not really sure WHAT the equation should be for mixing this all down into one final assessment of the show. So maybe I'll just crap out on you, and tell you to check out the OO No Mercy Recap, where maybe I don't have a grand unifying thesis, but where I *do* do a much better job of telling you, in detail, what happens in every match and segment so that you can decide for yourself how much the show sucked/ruled.  So if you didn't, check it out.
   
  
• Where to from here on SD!?  Well, the next stop on PPV isn't till Survivor Series in 6 weeks, and it does kinda seem like we might be in line for a bit of a reset.
   
  Taker should be out of the WWE Title picture, and should be shunted into a feud with Heidenreich. And Heidenreich's vaguely-amusing delicate poet's soul and forthcoming masterwork "Ode to a Small Lump of Green Putty I Found in my Armpit One Midsummer Morning" aside, I honestly don't know that this should be anything less than a one-sided assassination by Taker.  Think what Kane should do to Snitsky, and repeat it here.  If the end result is no more Heidenreich on SD!, I guess I'll just have to try to repress my frustration.
   
  This, of course, leaves JBL without a main rival for the WWE Title.  The situation can be VERY easily remedied, and with MUCH better results than we've had with the JBL/Taker feud, if you ask me.  For starters, Eddie Guerrero and Big Show both scored big wins on the PPV, and either could be pushed up to a title shot if they can get away from Team Angle long enough.
   
  And then there's the intriguing case of John Cena. He does hold the US Title now, but there's no way that can last.  His already-spotty recent attendence record on SD! (2 of the last 3 weeks, he's only been there via pre-tape) will continue to be a problem for another month or so until he'd done making his movie.  Your US Champ can't be phoning it in like that.  Seriously, I'd be stunned if Cena made it out of SD! tapings tomorrow with the belt.  But I'd be JUST as stunned if, once Cena came back after a little month-plus break, you couldn't throw HIM out there as an opponent for JBL and have it go over like gangbusters.  Might be a case of addition by subtraction, if you catch my meaning.
  
  Of course, if I'm already writing Cena out of the US Title picture, we need to address that; you could go with Booker T regaining the belt and then getting into a little rotation where RVD could pop back in for a title shot, and Paul London and Billy Kidman could also factor in, which might be neat.  I also would not be averse to going totally another way, and having Kurt Angle remember that HIS mission in life as GM was to keep the US Title off Cena, and have him (and his two cronies) be the ones who relieve Cena of the belt and maybe give him a beating that can explain a month-long absence from TV.  If you do the latter, then the WWE and US Title pictures become a lot more entertwined, I think, and Eddie and Show are still top contenders for either or both titles.
   
  Spike Dudley is ruling the CW division with an iron fist, and if they play their cards right, could be an awesome champ for the near term. Obviously, the play here is to tease the fans with Rey Mysterio getting the belt, but having Spike and the Duds outfox him; fans'll eat it up, I think, cuz it's the classic case of Spike being "obviously" overmatched, but he still keeps escaping with the belt.  And unlike the case at the WWE Title level, I think you can get away with chickenshit antics like that with a secondary title, and it doesn't seem so wrong.  
   
  The Duds can also figure into the tag division, as can the FBI, Rico/Haas, maybe Jindrak/Luther, and at some point down the line, how about Kidman/Chavo?  It's kind of a mess and it hasn't cleared up quite as nicely as it seemed like it might a few weeks ago, but there are possibilities here...
   
  So perhaps what I'm getting at is that No Mercy may have failed miserably as a Big PPV That Didn't Once Even Make Me Consider Retching In Terror At The Stupidity Of The Creative Team...  but it might have done its job as a Transitionary PPV that leaves us with some decent options for the next month or two.  They've got my gears turning, at least...
   
  
• And before we leave No Mercy behind for good... might as well do the Ceremonial Lopping Off Of My Testicles, because this month, Denny Burkholder's WrestleLine crew have wrested the PPV Predictions Crown away from us.
   
  By my numbers, the WL staffers picked 26 right and 16 wrong (7 columnists, each picking 6 matches), for a Site Average of 61.9%.  Online Onslaught picked 36 right and 30 wrong (11 columnists, each picking six matches), for a Site Average of 54.5%.
   
  So there you have it.  Till we next tangle, WL can claim it knows more about wrestling than OO.  But OO remains the home of the significantly cooler and more dynamic and attractive staff of Internet Jerkoffs, and they'll NEVER take that away from us!
   
  And in our own OO internal battle for supremacy?  Big Danny T was our winner, picking 5-out-of-6 matches right.  Behind him, a four-way tie (me, Jeb, Matt, Bulldog) for second with 4-out-of-6; then a four-way tie for fifth (Erin, Cubs Fan, Immolator, Adam) where they all went half-and-half, 3-out-of-6.  Bringing up the rear?  The two newest members of our murderous cabal, who themselves, might be in danger of being murdered by the rest of us for bringing down our team averages!  PyroFalkon was 2-for-6, and Rocky Swift, in his PPV Picks Debut, was 1-for-6.  Luckily for Rocky, he was about the only good thing about the PPV Preview, so no sanctions.... this time.  [Without the two bottom feeding newbies, OO's Site Average is.... ah, dammit, it's still only 61.1%, so we'd still have lost.]
   
  And the OO staff have been doing this since WrestleMania... among the Qualified Prognosticators (participating in at least 5 of the 9 PPV previews in that time), we've had a shake-up on the Leader Board.  Now, the Canadian Bulldog leads all the trOOps, taking over from the Cubs Fan.  Also, I'm proud to say that I've clawed my way into a TIE for last place, so that at least I'm not alone in my futility!  Here's the new standings:
   
  1)  Canadian Bulldog        .603  (38-25)
  2)  The Cubs Fan            .600  (27-18)
  3)  Big Danny T              .580  (29-21)
  4)  Matt Hocking             .540  (34-29)
  5)  Jeb Lund                   .526  (30-27)
  6)  The Immolator           .522  (24-22)
  7)  Adam Gutschmidt       .492  (31-32)
  8)  Erin Anderson            .460  (29-34)
       Rick Scaia                .460   (29-34)
   
  Worst thing is, with possibly only 2 more PPVs left to go in 2004 (I'm suspecting that the "interactive" nature of Taboo Tuesday might make it hard to get together a true Team Coverage Preview for that show), I'm rapidly running out of matches to pick....  at this point, I honestly don't even care about finishing last or in a tie for last (or heroically picking myself up, dusting myself off, and overtaking Evil Daytonian Adam for 7th place).  I'm fighting against .500.  After however many years of having a PPV predictions percentage in the .700s or better, why NOW am I sucking so badly?
   
  Must prove that I am smarter than a coin when it comes to wrestling.  That is all there is to it.
   
  
• Something that's creating a minor stir: the Honkytonk Man is circulating rumors that Kane may have given notice to WWE in a dispute over money.  
   
  Now, please note that I'm only repeating/reporting what has been published elsewhere in this case, and doing so mostly because of the number of e-mails I've gotten on the subject, so it'd be hard to ignore the issue.  I would just note two things:
   
  (1) The wording of the report on HTM's website is very vague and laden with language like "not known if these rumors are real"; and
  (2) Honkytonk Man is a lot of things. One of them is "a guy who still talks to a lot of people in the wrestling business." But another is "a guy who is a compulsive self-promoter."
   
  So, with a befuddled look of confusion on my face since this is the first time I've heard anything about Kane having a dust-up with WWE management, I also can't muster up the confidence to tell you that this is a bullshit story just yet.  If more is warranted, we'll have it on Wednesday...
   
  
• SD!'s rating last week was a 2.7, a massive tumble of over a half-point from the week before and well below the recent averages for the show.  But the reason is simple:  SD! was pre-empted in over a half-dozen major markets.  As much as 20% of the country didn't get SD! in its normal timeslot (due to pre-emptions for the Presidential Debate), and so a 20% ratings drop is about right... [I believe there were also additional pre-emptions in 2 or 3 other markets for stretch-run baseball and college football.]
   
  I mean, it's not great news, since WWE could have used the full exposure on the last show before a PPV, but this is also not the end of the world.
   
  
• Sounds like Vince Russo is done with TNA after the Victory Road PPV in November... with his creative input already waning, Russo's essentially the TNA equivalent of Eric Bischoff: playing a figurehead on TV, but wielding surprisingly little power.  On top of that, he's got The Jesus, now, and is apparently interested in focusing more on being a minister.  Do NOT go wondering about how Russo might end up back in WWE as a result of this move; it's just not very likely.
   
  So Russo will finish up his little storyline over the next month and be replaced as "Director of Authority" on-screen.  Shouldn't be a huge deal, really, and how they take advantage of the shake-up storyline-wise is probably gonna be a bigger deal than how this changes anything backstage.
   
  Also: as is my custom, I DVR'ed "Impact," and as is ALSO my custom, I'm pretty much able to watch the show in about 15 minutes flat while killing time on a Sunday afternoon.  Seriously, am I a bad wrestling fan?  Or is that just a bad wrestling show?  I tend towards the latter...
   
  Maybe it'll look up here in the next week or two, since they actually did announce a little four-man tourney to determine Jarrett's #1 Contender that might mean some marquee match-ups.  But then again, anytime you're asking me to buy Jeff Hardy as a main eventer, well....  "Bwhahahahaha," pretty much sums up my stance there.
   
  I think the biggest problem with "Impact" at this point is just that it's so generically-formatted and not even a SENSE that something cool might happen.  The forced 10-minute time limits mean that you're not likely to get any really exciting matches.  The trying to force 37 matches into a one-hour show means they're all gonna be squashes, anyway.  The making sure you have time for countless self-promotional ads and video packages and interview time with Johnny Nascar further reduces your chances for effective time management...  it ends up being... I dunno, but it ends up being really easy to stop, look at "Jeff Jarrett vs. Some Chump" and just hit FF because this is the same formula TNA has used to underwhelm me for the 3 months they've been on the air.
   
  I honestly had hoped (and still hope) that Impact would make big strides forward now that it's the TNA "A-show" every week...  but four weeks till their alleged "break-out" PPV, and my excitement level with regards to this company was higher a year ago than it is today.  Not good.
   
  
• RAW house shows over the weekend might give us a few ideas for what to look for tonight on the show....  Coach worked an angle with Simon Dean at Sunday afternoon's matinee that suggests Dean will be live on the show tonight, using Coach as his illustration of a perfect physical specimen.  So keep an eye out for that.
   
  Also: Snitsky worked squash matches agaisnt Stevie Richards and Val Venis, and got good heat.  Of note: Kane was NOT in the building at any of the shows.  OMG~!  Honky's right!
   
  Plus: Eugene and Regal worked as a tag team around the horn, challenging La Resistance for the titles in 3-way matches (also with HurriRosey), which should be a good spot for them (as long as it keeps Benoit up in the main event mix where he belongs!)....  the Mohammed Hassan gimmick had another go-round (again against Maven), and OO Reader Greg noted that the gimmick's not nearly as offensive/over-the-top as you might have feared...  Molly swept Victoria in three matches, which is nice to hear, but until it translates into her doing something good on TV doesn't really mean much...  Jericho worked with Christian around the horn, and was trying out new material on the mic, including a re-working of the "CLB" nickname directed at Tomko ("Christian's Little Boyfriend," apparently, Jericho heard that "The Lovely Miss Tomko" had been trademarked and my lawyer's are SHARKS, man, SHARKS!)....  and in a couple different versions of tag matches, Orton (with Benoit and/or Shelton) pinned Batista (with HHH and/or Flair) to send 'em home happy in the main event.
   
  
• Which pretty much does bring us to tonight's RAW....  when WWE hits Madison Square Garden, they almost always try to do something special, so maybe tonight wouldn't be a bad night to get a little bit excited.
   
  Then again, Shawn Michaels vs. Christian, what's not to get excited about when you know you've got a potentially-better-than-anything-at-last-night's-PPV match coming at you for free tonight?!?  I'm digging it.
   
  I think the big story they intend to tell tonight is probably Kane's return to TV (well, return to being "live" in the arena, anyway). It's been the main thrust of promotional bits I've seen, and we know Snitsky basically challenged Kane to come out and meet him face-to-face, so that should be a big storyline anchor for tonight.  Depending on how fast WWE wants to blow its load, here, they could just eliminate Snitsky now, or they could milk this out another couple weeks and do it at the Taboo Tuesday PPV, where I think it might be fun to have fans deciding Snitsky's fate.
  
  All I ask is that while WWE is turning this into a storyline anchor, they also don't make it suck.  Nothing like the No Mercy tag, no car batteries to the testicles, and so on and so forth.  I find it hilarious and ironic that I feel totally comfortable trailing off with that sentiment, confident that you all know EXACTLY what I'm talking about when it comes to the difference between good skits and bad skits... but that WWE apparently has not yet even come CLOSE to grasping that distinction.  Oy.
   
  Second story that needs telling is Randy Orton and Evolution, and actually, although it's not received the direct/specific hype, it'll probably end up and the night's main issue.  Last week was a huge win for Randy, despite a loss: he showed signs of being an actual, interesting person, rather than a pretty, pretty shell of a dude, and by losing in the main event, he lost (at least for now) his shot at the World Title. For once, maybe, just maybe, Randall will be able to evoke sympathy from the viewers.
   
  There are a lot of options here, and I'd hope that WWE would realize that. Although my instinct is that last week was a one-week aberration with no long-term plan in place, they COULD keep things rolling in an interesting way by having Orton take his lumps, and come back and cut almost the EXACT SAME PROMO this week, saying if he had to take a chairshot from somebody, he's glad it was from Ric Flair, because that's the Ric Flair of old, and Ric Flair didn't want to take Randy Orton's crap, and now all he's gotta do is stop taking HHH's, and I think you get what I'm going for here. He'd have to be careful not to come off like too big a pussy, but giving Flair respect for "not taking crap" and then CONTINUING to try to get into his head and break up Evolution that way?  Well, I think it's a hell of a lot more interesting than anything they've given us so far in this lame-ass feud, so I say let's bring it....  then again, I still think that what they need to do is get Orton back in charge of "Evolution" (first Flair, then Batista) so that the group actually EVOLVES (and so that Orton can ditch that shitty-ass new music of his that actually succeeds where few songs do and GETS WORSE every time I hear it; he needs the "Evolution" theme song if I'm ever gonna do anything but cringe as he makes an entrance) and so that HHH is the solo babyface, passed by by his friends, and Orton is the smarmy asshole who usurped power from the man what made him.
   
  Yes kids, I do retain unbelievably durable hard-ons for my own fantastical booking ideas, even months after they have clearly outlived their plausibility!  But as I've been saying all along, I really do want Orton to be a success, and what he needs is carefully-mapped out stories that play to his strengths. Last week was a one-week blip on the radar that might not lead anywhere...  I'm just trying to outline a way it might lead somewhere.  What I DON'T want is just Orton winning his way back into the Taboo Tuesday voting immediately tonight by pulling some superman routine against all of Evolution: tension, drama, unpredictability, THESE are things we need.
   
  Speaking of #1 Contender voting: Orton probably should end up as a last-second returnee to the voting, as I think that'd be the best way to honestly take the time to tell a story good enough that fans would want to vote for him. But in the interim, they can't "telegraph" that Orton's still the REAL #1 Contender by ignoring Chris Benoit for another week.  Benoit needs a big night tonight, and needs it against Evolution.  Also, with Orton out, they should probably plug Shelton Bejamin into his spot in the voting.  And maybe give us PART of a reason to care about HBK or Edge also being in the voting other than because they are warm bodies....
   
  Which brings us to the IC Title picture.  Jericho holds the title, but Shawn Michaels and Christian are gonna be the ones who get to sort out which one of them might hold the upper hand in getting a shot at the belt.  If they handle it right, then it shoudl seem like THIS is Michaels' #1 issue right now, and that it's NOT a deal where he's slumming it until he can make his case for being voted into a match against HHH.  And even if it's kind of hard to get the story-side down without diluting HBK's agenda, the match itself should be a dandy.  Give me Michaels and Christian for 15-20 minutes, and hey here's an idea, how about let Jericho handle guest commentary!, and I can't think of much better to do on a Monday night.
   
  Also: Hurricane and Rosey are off their losing streak, which apparently is enough to justify a tag title shot for them... they'll get that tonight, and we'll have to see if there are any further indications of frustration (or heel turns) if they come up short....  and WWE has also announced that Molly Holly will take on Stacy Keibler (which I'm both looking forward to and dreading, depending on which of two equally-viable outcomes WWE opts for).
   
  And again, you've just got that intangible MSG Factor. Guys might make debuts (Simon Dean), other guys might turn it up and make a case of Match Of The Week (HBK/Christian), and there might even be a few other tricks up Vince McMahon's sleeves.  You'll just have to tune in and find out for yourself!
   
  But if you don't, well, you know the drill by now: Come on back to OO on Tuesday, where the Greatest and Best RAW Recap in the World is published every week.  And for added drama and excitement: you won't know who wrote the Recap until you show up and read it.  It's 5pm on Monday, and *I* don't even know who'll be writing it for sure.  But I still feel confident that it'll be the Greatest and Best Recap in the World, no matter what.
   
  How do you like that for a tease?  So you'd best be coming back to OO tomorrow for the exciting ending to this Special Cliffhanger Edition of Online Onslaught.....