So maybe turn back now, and just watch the damned show tomorrow.  Honest to god, people, READING about it ain't gonna be as much fun as ACTUALLY WATCHING it, and I'm hear to tell you this is a good one, so your "well, I just wanted to find out if it'd be worth watching" defense doesn't work either.  Hit BACK now, punks!

And I'll sacrifice myself for the sins of all smarkind and compile the following spoilers from e-mail reports.  So SOME of you can read ahead and act like you're smarter than the rest of us:

WWE Sunday Night Heat
(Taped Monday, Airs Sunday)

• Victoria beat Gail Kim.
• Rhyno and Tajiri beat Two Guys.
• Maven beat Stevie Richards.
• Shelton Benjamin beat Rodney Mack.

WWE Velocity 
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Saturday)

• Luther Reigns beat Some Guy.
• Shannon Moore beat Akio.
• Rob Van Dam beat D. Basham.
• The Dudley Boyz beat the FBI.
• Note: on the broadcast, the matches will be re-ordered so that RVD/Basham will the the opening match of the show. Also, with that in mind, one of the preceeding matches may have just been a dark match.  Oh, the drama!  Stay home on Saturday night to find out whether WWE screws Shannon Moore or Luther Reigns for TV time!  Like you don't already know the answer!

WWE SmackDown!
(Taped Tuesday, Airs Thursday)

• John Cena, Boston's homey, opens the show with some freestylin', using any and all cheap tricks he can think of (including all too easy riffing on the Red Sox in the playoffs and on Michael Cole/Heidenreich).  To add to the degree of difficulty, however, Cena is interrupted by a complete Wild Card: Carlito Caribbean Cool.  How to cut a promo on a guy who is making his debut?  Cena doesn't know, so he lets Carlito take the mic.  And he proceeds to do a very effective job of ripping on the Sox and on Cena and on all the other things Boston holds dear. And finally, he notes that it'd be COOL if Cena gave him a shot for the US Title tonight.  Cena at first feigns like he's digging Carlito, but when he pulls the ol' "PSYCHE~!" move, Carlito loses his Cool, and attacks Cena, laying him out with a DDT.  Later on, Teddy Long announces that as a result, it will be Cena vs. Cool with the US Title on the line in our main event.
• Rey Mysterio beat Kenzo Suzuki in a quick, but hot match. Crowd was way into it as (a) they like Rey, and (b) Kenzo, Dupree, and Hiroko did an hilarious pre-match bit that included a Broadway-style performance of "New York, New York" that REALLY sanded some vaginas in Boston.
• Bob Holly beat John Bradshaw Layfield by count-out in a non-title match.  Before the match, JBL hopped on the Cheap Heat bandwagon by noting his Wall Street (New York City) ties.  Match was the same painfully boring display of nothingness as last week's.  This time, when JBL can't put Holly away (in fact, Holly dominated him, and I guess JBL wore a Crimson Mask), he gets counted out rather than continuing the match.  So JBL beats Taker twice in two tries, but he jobs and gets color for Bob Holly?  You want to know what's wrong with the idiotic wrestling-fraternity mindset that "long tenure equals deserving to be pushed"?  I'll sum it up for you in two words: THIS MATCH.
• Backstage Stuff: Teddy Long and Paul Heyman talk about what happened to Undertaker at the PPV. Heyman doesn't think he did anything so horrible, and Teddy says for now there will be no sanctions because when they opened the hearse, Taker wasn't in it, and so Teddy's sure that Taker will deal with Paul himself.  In his own good time....  and then in another bit, Kurt Angle made up a bunch of excuses for losing at No Mercy and then gave a pep talk to Mark Jindrak, who was getting ready to face Big Show.
• Big Show beat Mark Jindrak.  Not a hugely action-packed match, but Jindrak sold his ass off for Show, and they put in enough extra-curriculars so that it was entertaining.  Angle was doing guest commentary, and Luther tried to interfere for Jindrak.  This eventually resulted in Eddie Guerrero making a run-in to even the odds, allowing Show to get the clean pinfall win.
• More Backstage Stuff: I guess Teddy Long isn't feeling me, playa, because he announced that this allegedly epic JBL/Holly feud would continue in the form of a Hardcore Rules Match WITH THE TITLE ON THE LINE at some point in the future (one report made it sound like next week)....  Orlando Jordan tried having a friendly chat with Booker T, but I guess Booker brushed him off?  Face turn?  Was Orlando recruiting for Team Bradshaw?  Details were sketchy on what was supposedly accomplished here...  and Josh Mathews interviewed Carlito Cool, who impressed two out of the three recappers I had send in reports as being very charismatic and effective in getting his character over (the third thinks it was gay to over-push Carlito like this on his first night, and didn't sound like so much of a fan).
• Charlie Haas vs. Billy Kidman went to a no decision.  Good match, I guess, but again with a confused crowd (some wanted to cheer the newly-asshole Kidman, and WWE has yet to give Haas any hook of his own) so not much sizzle.  In the end, Kidman has control, and "snaps" and decides to hit the Shooting Star Press on Haas.  Miss Jackie steps in and gets in the way to stop Kidman from doing his crippling move on her man.  Kidman thinks about it, and gets down (boo!), but then he powerbombs Jackie (yay!, I shit you not, cheers for this).  As Haas and trainers tend to Jackie, we get no decision rendered, and Kidman just walks away all moody (but to cheers).
• Prostetnic Vogon Heidenreich joined us for some Forced Poetry Appreciation.  Good heat on Heidenreich, whether because Boston's a smart town that knows he sucks or because of what he did to Taker, I don't know.  When the crowd won't stop and "LISTEN" after three or four false starts by Heidenreich, he just jumps into the crowd and starts beating the piss out of "fans" until security can restrain him.  Hey, as a character, they got Heidenreich nicely positioned.  Just don't let him wrestle, and we're OK!
• Carlito Cool beat John Cena to win the US Title.  Because of the way everything played out earlier, there was really good heat on this match.  Still: these two guys are apparently better at doing characters than having a wrestling match, cuz the actual action was most charitably described as "the exact same crap as Cena vs. Booker," just tepid and forgettable. But after all the slow and bland stuff, fans were still into it enough to respond where they were supposed to to the trademark spots.  Standard flow to the thing, with Cool gaining the edge, but Cena having a comeback in him, forcing the frustrated heel to resort to Desperate Measures.  So Carlito brought a chair into the ring, and while the ref admonished him and took the chair away, Cool went to Plan B, and grabbed Cena's chain, clocked him with it before the ref turned around, and got the cheap pinfall win that way.  Carlito left with the US Title, and apparently ALSO with Cena's chain.  Like I said, reviews were mixed on Carlito Cool: two said the guy has the "it" factor, and made the most out of his surprising debut, one thought it was really, really awful to have a nobody get the superman push all in one night.  Even if you schmucks HAVE read these spoilers, now you STILL have to watch the actual show tomorrow to find out which of them is right!  HA!

And of course, if you only like reading about wrestling, but not so much watching it, then I apologize for everything I've said about you nosy bastards.  Just forgive me and come on back to OO on Friday when we'll have Danny's full recap of the show, and when I'll have a column of my own where I'll be happy to TELL you what you should think about SD! in its as-aired version.

It's what I'm here for, people!