OO Column: Online Onslaught by Rick Scaia (Pro Wrestling News, Analysis, and Commentary... WWE, WWF, WCW, ECW, The Rock, Brock Lesnar, Triple H, Rob Van Dam, Hulk Hogan, Undertaker, Trish Stratus, Lita, Stacy Keibler, Divas, RAW, SmackDown, WrestleMania

ONLINE ONSLAUGHT
TEAM COVERAGE:
WWE Armageddon PPV Preview
December 10, 2004

Compiled by Rick Scaia
Featuring All Your Favorite OnlineOnslaught.com Semi-Stars

So did you hear the one about how The Lovely Miss Tomko was apparently appointed to Bush's cabinet?

Sorry folks, that's probably pretty lame, but do some reading, dumdums, and you'll realize, it *is* a legitimate attempt at a joke. Maybe not a funny one, but still...

As I sit here trying to fathom the way to trick you all into thinking I'm approximating "mild enthusiasm" for Sunday's PPV, it's pretty much the best

I can do, though. I actually thought a month ago (at the SD! Tapings here in Dayton) that they'd be able to AT LEAST turn this into a compelling One Match Show (the "Depantsing of JBL" is what I called it), but they haven't even really done anything to make me fired up about that.

Instead, I'm left sitting here, appreciating the Wisdom of Erin Anderson, who's come up with better things to do this weekend than wasting it on a PPV happening in her back yard. I'd probably do the same thing. Well, actually, I'd probably ALSO hit the PPV, too, if I had the chance, but only since I'm quite positive I'd get free tickets. And people, that's not a "I Have So Many Insider Connections, Worship Me!" comment; that's a "WWE is in such dire straits that the last I heard they only sold about 5000 tickets for a 12,000 building for a damned PAY PER VIEW, and will be giving them away so the place looks respectably full" comment.

That really says it all: Atlanta, GA -- once the home of the Mightiest Wrestling Company On The Planet Who Sold Out the GeorgiaDome for a Mere Monday Night Show, and a hotbed of rabid wrestling fans going back to the Georgia Championship Wrestling days, and the city that helped Ted Turner build his SuperStation, and later a media empire, by lapping up 5 weekly hours of men in tights pretending to fight -- can't even half-fill it's third-tier arena for a WWE PPV. That's not my mess, people. I don't want to clean it up. There's no WAY it's on me to create a sense of enthusiasm for Armageddon if WWE can't be bothered to do it, itself.

That said, I *can* create enthusiasm for the Armageddon PPV Preview! Because this is the last PPV of the year, and the OO PPV Prognosticatory Crown is on the line! Who's the Smartest trOOp in all the land? Heading into Armageddon, the Cubs Fan has a bit of a lead on the pack, but pretty much everybody still has a mathematical chance to catch him! Except for Me, Erin, and Adam! Because we're dumb.

So even if I'm not gonna sell a couple hundred more PPVs this weekend, I WILL implore you to read on and find out how your favorite OO Semi-Stars picked this PPV! And along the way, if one of the trOOps or I screw up and somehow render an Armageddon storyline intriguing or compelling, well, consider it a bonus cuz we're just that damned good!

Enjoy this breakdown of the as-announced 7-match Armageddon PPV line-up....

JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD vs. UNDERTAKER vs. EDDIE GUERRERO vs. BOOKER T
Fatal Fourway for the WWE Title

Since winning the WWE Title six months ago, JBL has essentially had three challengers. First was Eddie Guerrero, who got a couple rematches after dropping the strap to JBL, including JBL's only actually-good match of the year (the SD! cage match). Then came the Undertaker, who somehow decided the the only logical way to follow up on burying a dummy that looked like his manager in concrete was to interject himself into the WWE Title hunt for about 2 PPVs. And last came Booker T, whose heel turn fizzled, and who caught fire by pinning JBL in a tag match after being challenged to "man up" by GM Teddy Long.

But all three came up short in title matches against JBL. By hook and by crook, JBL not only retained his title, but also won every single one of those matches. No getting DQ'ed or counted out for JBL.

But the fact that he basically screwed each of these three men out of title wins was not lost on GM Teddy Long. So Teddy decided to interrupt a JBL Victory Celebration to tell him that his next WWE Title defense wouldn't be against any one man... it'd be against all three men that he'd dicked over in his reign as champ.

And suddenly, the one thing that made JBL kinda fun as champ (his boasting about being the greatest wrestler ever, which was so insanely wrong that it was funny) was gone, replaced by a guy who's spent the last 3 weeks blaming Teddy Long for making him lose his title. Along the way, he's KINDA tried to engender some hostility between Booker and Eddie, but that hasn't really worked in any significant way. And even if it had, Taker's been hovering over the scene, decimating JBL (or at least, scaring him away) at every turn.

It doesn't look good for JBL. The deck's stacked against him, and all that. All I can tell you is that with three other guys in the ring, there stands a good chance that this could top the Eddie cage match and become JBL's best match of the year... cuz he's only gotta do half the work that he usually does!

The OOutlOOk
Undertaker wins: 4 votes --|-- JBL wins: 3 votes
Booker T wins: 2 votes --|-- Eddie wins: 1 vote

Erin Anderson Says... Undertaker wins.
Okay, so here's the story: I'm halfway through two weeks of final exams at the moment. I have a final first thing tomorrow morning. I'm tired and a little stressed out, so I ain't exactly in the mood to type up anything long here. And I still haven't seen Smackdown! in ages, nor am I going to the PPV, despite the fact that it's 20 minutes from my home. Nah, I decided on a RAW house show on Saturday and the Fozzy concert afterwards. So my picks will be short, to the point, and probably WAY off-base... or even more so than my typical shitty prediction average. Just warning you.

I picked Taker to win here because... oh, I don't know. JBL needs to lose, and NOW. Booker T deserves it, but he probably won't get it. Eddie's already lost several rematches for the belt. So that leaves Taker. I hear that he's rumored to face Angle for the belt at next year's Wrestlemania, so this is a logical step in getting there.

Canadian Bulldog Says... JBL wins.
I seem to always be wrong in my JBL predictions (at least this year). When I'm sure he's going to lose, he doesn't. The one time I picked him to go over (SummerSlam), he didn't. So note that little disclaimer before reading further.

I guess I'm thinking, why NOT let JBL win this one? He's already been booked as a guy who wins despite overwhelming reasons not to, such as not being that terrific of a worker. But the big lug has grown on me, to a degree. I've always liked the character (go back to the old Battle of the Brands for proof), but I just never thought it should be at the main event level. Nonetheless, it is and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

But giving JBL the duke here keeps him strong(er) going into WrestleMania, whereas a loss to -- I'm guessing -- John Cena, would be much more meaningful then a pinfall loss in this lame four way match.

The Cubs Fan Says... Undertaker wins.
This is my problem; I'm more concerned with someone
who may not even been in this brand than anyone
involved in this match.

I have this weird idea that Batista's completely out
of left field comment - "there's only one World
Champion" - actually might mean something, and mean a
lot towards the outcome of the match. Moving him to
SmackDown! would deprive the blow off of his stuff
with Triple H for now, but it'd make SD! much more
interesting; no matter who wins this match on Sunday.
I'd be easy to get him involved, it's just the "you've
banned all the current members of my stable from
ringside - so I'll bring in someone new" bit, though I
think might have Batista turn face and kill JBL by
Thursday. If not sooner. And Batista vs JBL or Batista
vs anyone on SmackDown! is fresher than any possible
title program coming out of this show.

The problem is, even though I can get the pieces to
fit together, it still seems like a crackpot idea in
the current WWE; it's a bit more of a shock move than
they've been willing to do the last couple years. The
safe move is to buy into the Undertaker/Angle match at
WrestleMania, and pick Undertaker here. I think I just
wanted that all in print in case it happened, and
maybe for WWE to see how one throw away line can screw
with my head.

Adam Gutschmidt Says... Undertaker wins.

Since JBL didn't make any "guarantees this time, I guess that means he's finally losing. So since I have to choose from the faces, Undertaker seems like the best choice. Not in best for the company, but best in Undertaker wants to win so we'll let him win. Plus, since it seems like they're doing Angle vs. Taker at WM, it would be too much abbreviated storytelling to get to that point if anyone else wins. Hopefully whoever wins actually pins JBL to make this entire reign come to a somewhat satifying finish.

Matt Hocking Says... Undertaker wins.
For several months now, we’ve been saying ok this has GOT to be it for JBL. Ok. This has GOT to be it for JBL. The odds are SO stacked against him, that one MIGHT think that he might hold onto it here and defy all odds. I think his luck has run out though. But the question is who does he lose it
to? Well…Eddie is a fine choice, but the problem is Eddie hasn’t really done much lately that makes me think that a World Title is in the cards. Booker T is another good choice, but he would need to carry it through Wrestlemania which would mean a huge Booker T main event push extended all
the way into next year, which, again, doesn’t seem to be in the WWE’s plans. Undertaker is the best choice from the WWE’s perspective because he’s an easy choice, can immediately feud with anybody for the Rumble and Mania and
make it seem important, and fans still love him. Taker wins.

Jeb Lund Says... Eddie Guerrero wins.

Let me be clear about this: I do not care about this pay-per-view. I’m just doing this to be nice to Rick and because even my brief showing here in a preview/prediction piece excuses my taking another month off. I cannot begin to illustrate my disinterest in this show. All the same, I’ll try to be serious about these predictions without resorting to bilious smarkdom.

Anyway, here’s how I see it. JBL needs to lose the title. If he wins here, he might as well keep winning until WrestleMania. Might as well make this whole experience mean something. (Sorry, JBL. It might make you want to stick a soapy finger in my ass, but apart from your matches with Eddie and some promos clearly satirizing the presidential election, I never really saw much net benefit in your being the champ. I also don’t like the slippery slope that the “token title reign for a mediocre long-term company man” takes us down. You’re barely a step removed from the Bob Holly Basement – that step being your better promo work – and no one needs to see him with the belt. Your win upheld a principle that truly unsettles me.) But this is a good opportunity for him to lose. The Fatal Fourway stips allow him to lose without being pinned, and it gives him a good note to go out on. Hell, if he dominates during the match, he walks away with a lot of credibility for a reign for which he should be very thankful. (I’m also thinking that the Rumble can feature a triple-threat match or any other stip that keeps him from losing cleanly while also dragging his attention away from the belt for a significant long-term feud.)

Undertaker: does not need the belt, shouldn’t win the belt and doesn’t currently have a character that can make others’ contention for the belt exciting. Sorry, but I think the potential Entertainment Quotient of an Undertaker reign is about the lowest possible out of the four men.

Booker: hey, I’d love to see him win in the WWE again. But I can’t shake this sense that now is not the time. I’m not devotedly following Smackdown the way I used to, but apart from a few good showings lately (and randomly scattered throughout the prior six months), I haven’t seen enough to inspire confidence in Booker’s chances. I’m not getting the It Can Happen or It’s Gonna Happen vibe out of any of this. Plus, I think a Fatal Fourway win is a pretty crappy way for Booker to get a title. The guy has audience-confidence issues, and his win should be something that corrects that. A straight-up clean-ish match where he out-thinks and out-guns the opponent is what he most needs to kick off a title reign. That way we get the sense that, hey, this guy is for real, and his championship is for real, too. If he wins on Sunday, I’d get the feeling that he could lose the following Thursday. Maybe it’s just me, but that feeling’s there.

So that’s why I’m saying Eddie, because everyone else either has been at it too long, doesn’t work for me, or makes me think of the outcome as tenuous. WWE has lately rediscovered that Eddie’s actually a popular wrestler on his own. They’ve tossed him in some pretty gimmicky circumstances, but more of what makes Eddie Eddie has come out in the last month or so. Also, fans will like to see him win again, and he can work with anyone. Plus – and here’s the biggie – by his nature alone, Eddie really can’t have a “compromised win.” For God’s sake, the man lies, cheats and steals. Do you really think he’ll care if he wins the match without pinning the champion? Hell no, and his fans won’t either. If push comes to shove, he’ll cut another one of his intense serious promos, and five minutes’ work will reestablish just how much he cares about that title and how he’ll be defending it with every ounce of his talent and will.

"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... Booker T wins.

I've given JBL his due more than most, since I'm a big fan of the heat he generates. But if they don't take the belt off him here, what the heck do they do next? JBL's Non-White Boy Challenge?

The Undertaker should really be the money man for the Smackdown! brand, but if they were going to put the strap on him, you'd think they'd have done that by now. Eddie is my favorite of the four by miles, but I can't see him getting the belt again anytime soon. That leaves Booker T, fresh off a face turn and wrestling on familiar turf in Atlanta. Give him the belt and you can run with a T vs. JBL main event through the Rumble.

PyroFalkon Says... Booker T wins.
Okay, JBL better freakin’ drop the title here, or I’m going to start bashing my head in with the nearest blunt object. And to be honest, I couldn’t care less who else wins it. Just get it the fuck off JBL before I really flip out.

Now, removing him from the equation, who’s left? I was convinced several PPVs ago that putting the belt on Taker doesn’t do any good, because fans are to the point where they love him or hate him, and a belt isn’t going to change anything. It’s also not going to help any storylines, so why bother putting it on him?

So if Taker and JBL will lose, it comes down to Eddie and Bookie. I asked my Ouija board, and it said xgquopml is going to win, and I think it meant Booker. So yeah, we’ll have a SIX TIME, SIX—ah, screw it, I won’t make that joke. Go xgquopml~!

Big Danny T Says... JBL wins.

I would have preferred this be Elimination, then we could have everyone gang up on Undertaker, Eddie could go out, and Booker could do a good 8-10 minutes with J"B"L befroe pinning him. But, it's not, so as much as it pains me to say this, I'm going to predict J"B"L to retain. I think Booker should chase it for another month and win it one on one.

Rick Scaia Says... JBL wins.
This *should* have been the night I got excited to see JBL drop the title. Instead, after a promising start to the 4-way hype (right here, in DAYTON, OH!), this fizzled. They managed to make the prospect of JBL finally getting his doughy, headlocking ass out of the main event picture uninteresting.

The biggest problem is that this time around, JBL didn't bring the "I'm so awesome and I'm gonna win no matter what" to the table. Instead, they have him already making excuses and blaming Teddy Long for losing his title. What the fuck fun is an undeserving champ losing his title if he goes into the match saying he knows he's gonna lose? The Honkytonk Man never once, in 15 months as IC Champ, cut a promo in which he said, "I'm coming to Atlanta, GA, to lose my title because I'm not as good as my opponent(s)." Which is what made those 15 months fun and his eventual loss so sweet. And in so far as JBL as WWE Champ has been any fun, we've been squeezing a few drops of entertainment out of his cocky, I'm the best there ever was, and I'll never lose this title shtick.

So I say now that he's spent the last month whining about getting screwed out of his title, it'd be wrong to have him lose it. I know we've spent the last few months getting conditioned to picking JBL to win since he makes his "guarantees," and now I'm STILL picking him to win now that he's practically guaranteed a loss. Perhaps that strikes you as ass-backwards retardo-logic, but it's how I feel. You simply don't "protect" an undeserving heel champ by letting him make excuses for losing. When JBL loses the title, it needs to be humiliating, it needs to be a Public Depantsing, it needs to be a celebration. In the last 4 weeks, WWE has ensured that this is what will NOT be happening at Armageddon with their relatively lazy top level storytelling on SD!...

Keep it on JBL, and have him get back some of his boastful "Nobody can beat me" thing, and THEN we can have him drop the title in emasculating fashion another time. At this point, why the hell not just ride him out till Mania? He could boast about a full year of being undefeated in singles matches, and then finally drop the title (by then, somebody fresh should be in the mix, maybe Show or Cena; seriously, I think a Royal Rumble win for Show would be perfect).

If WWE does decide to go with a title change, the only one I see making sense is Booker T. The WCW Guy making good in Atlanta would be a nice touch, and even if it's only as a transitional champ (getting the title onto Angle, maybe, if it turns out they still want Angle vs. Taker at WM?), I'd like to see Book win the Big One. I have no faith that WWE wants to do right by Eddie, so he's out. And Taker? I'd have nothing against the big man getting another title reign, but it would just make abso-fucking-lutely NO sense to have him win it in a 4-way setting; Taker's an ass-kicker who doesn't need the flukey chaos of a four-way to win a match.

And not to harp on this: but it's that flukey chaos that I think needs to help JBL retain so that he can drop the title in a decisive and non-flukey way down the line. It doesn't help that I always thought JBL's "exit program" included teaming up regularly with Orlando Jordan, where you could take advantage of JBL's character without asking him to perform 25 minute main event matches. But now that JBL's got a "cabinet" with the Bashams involved, forming a regular tag team seems out of the question for JBL. All the more reason to keep the title on him for now and establish this "cabinet" gimmick; if they're going through the trouble of giving JBL an entire stable to lead, one would think that letting him hold on to the strap is the wisest thing to do now.

JOHN CENA vs. JESUS H. KIDNEYPUNCHER
Streetfight for the US Title

Cena's screentime the last 10 weeks has been extremely limited, and thus, so has the story here. It's pretty simple:

Carlito Cool made his SD! debut by pinning John Cena to win the US Title. That same night, in an unfortunate "Nightclub Incident," Cena was stabbed in the kidney. A week or two later, Jesus shows up as Carlito's bodyguard. After a month spent recovering from puncture wounds, Cena returned and got his rematch with Carlito, and won his US Title back in less than 30 seconds. But the celebration was cut short when Jesus attacked from behind and bludgeoned Cena in his "injured kidneys." Cena's been gone again for ANOTHER month, and will return to face Jesus in a streetfight with his US Title on the line.

I dunno. Pretty straightforward, and though it does little to enthrall me (Carlito's the most interesting one of this bunch, and he's hurt, which is why Jesus H. Spotstealer gets this match), but the rest of America hasn't caught on to the many ways in which John Cena's fizzled out the last year or so, so they'll lap it up.

My one hope is that this turns into a pleasant surprise of a match: Cena and Jesus trained together extensively when both were in UPW, and might click really well in the ring.

The OOutlOOk
Cena wins: 6 votes --|-- Jesus wins: 4 votes

Erin Anderson Says... Jesus d. Cena.
Because isn't Smackdown! all about pushing shitty new wrestlers?

Canadian Bulldog Says... John Cena d. Jesus.
As I mentioned in the JBL predicition, I'm fully expecting Cena to be the top challenger for the WWE title at WrestleMania. So dropping the belt (or even the match) to some random hoss does nothing for Cena. Hopefully, WWE can protect Cena as well as they have Randy Orton on the other side as we head closer and closer to the Grandaddy of 'em All.

The Cubs Fan Says... John Cena d. Jesus.
This just in - John Cena is bigger than Jesus. (John
Lennon had no comment.)

Adam Gutschmidt Says... John Cena d. Jesus.

Boy, what a mess this has turned into. First Carlitio gets hurts ruining the true revenge match. That means Cena has to go against Jesus, who we haven't even seen wrestle and the reports haven't been great. Then, they try masking Jesus' green-ness by making a street fight. Fine. Then Jesus goes and tears his groin this past week leaving us with probably not much of a match. Some tepid fighting will no doubt lead to an easy victory for Cena. Hopefully Cena will be back for good starting with Armageddon and get into a feud that has some meaning behind it.

Matt Hocking Says... John Cena d. Jesus.
Jesus hasn’t quite been fleshed out as a character any more than “That guy who stands next to Carlito,” that’s not necessarily so bad if he’s the backdrop for Carlito to look tougher, but it’s not enough to base a U.S. title reign on. Really, I’m guessing that there’s only one way this can go down, John Cena wins, kidney punches and all, and retains. Meanwhile, I’m not sure how injured Carlito still is, but if there’s any chance he’ll be ready by Rumble, I think he’ll get involved in the match or post match somehow.

Jeb Lund Says... Jesus d. John Cena.

Isn’t Cena’s leg still gimpy? Don’t we need re-shoots of his straight-to-video tour de force? Don’t they always give a big win, initially, to the new guy? Here’s the thing: winning does nothing for Cena. Winning does tons for Jesus by giving him some credibility to work with at the outset of his WWE career.

Erin Anderson ably made this point ages ago, but John Cena has pretty much flushed a lot of our ambitions, hopes and expectations down the drain. One year ago, we were saying he was everything The Rock once was and what Randy Orton should wish to be. Now he’s not even Randy Orton. I still don’t like Randy – and thankfully I can keep mostly quiet about that, since Rick has avidly taken up the “he’s a total penis” banner – but Randy’s booking is the main source of his problems. I don’t have a high estimate for his mental capacity, but the boy is tenacious and determined. Even I had to admit that he wouldn’t stop trying.

Conversely, I have a pretty high estimate for John Cena’s mental capacity. I think the guy is clever. But, like many clever people, his blind spot is the one that pops up when he’s looking in the mirror. Cena has gone from the Talent That No One Expected to the Talent That Doesn’t Try. I can only guess that there’s a combination of self-satisfaction and lack of critical self-appraisal at work here. But I also can guess that I’m not the only one who sees this. I think WWE minds – hapless as they often are – see a guy on cruise control, almost waiting for the accolades. (Hell, it worked for JBL, right? Just wait long enough and you get the big belt, right? See, this is where that slippery slope scares me.)

Then you have Jesus. He’s new. He needs every little driblet of gravitas he can get. I think this is a chance for WWE to see what Jesus can do, while they send a wake-up call to John Cena that basically says, “Good morning. We’ve noticed you haven’t been trying for about a year. Perhaps you need to reconsider that.”

"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... John Cena d. Jesus.

I thought it was lame enough as it was to give Triple C the U.S. title in his debut match. Essentially donig the same with Carlito's own Personal Jesus would be even worse.

PyroFalkon Says... Jesus d. John Cena.
This is my underdog pick of the night, only because it seems too obvious that Cena would win. So I feel that The Lovely Mrs. Carlito Cool will take the win here. Then again, I picked Heidenreich over Taker last time, so what the hell do I know?

Big Danny T Says... John Cena d. Jesus.

Ok, WWE got us one time with Carlito winning the US title in his first match, but I doubt that they are going to do the same thing twice in a row (This will be Jesus' first full match in the WWE.) Cena retains, gets his chain back.

Rick Scaia Says... Jesus d. John Cena.
Why? Because Cena doesn't need the title, and if we're to take Jesus H. Bodyguard seriously, he kinda could use the title. The streetfight rules mean that unless Cena has made a new friend during his hospital visits for dialysis, this'll basically be 2-on-1, since you know Carlito will be in the vicinity. So you can do a title change, put Cena back on the chase, and he doesn't really lose any face.

I think it also sets up WWE to basically do the story they WANTED to do before Carlito's injury, just sorta in reverse. Now it can play that for Cena to chase down his title, he's gotta go through Carlito to earn a shot at Jesus (instead of going through Jesus to get to Carlito). Alternatively (perhaps even better), you could have Jesus hand the US Title over to Carlito (much like Carlito awarded him Cena's chain) or do an in-ring "finger poke" match so Carlito wins the title, and have Cena go through Jesus (winning back his chain) before proceeding on to Carlito (and winning back his title). I can at least envision interesting things if Jesus wins; if Cena wins, I got nothing (I mean, is the world really begging for Orlando Jordan or Luther Reigns in US Title feuds? Didn't think so)...

BIG SHOW vs. TEAM ANGLE
3-on-1 Handicap Match

A case can be made that this one dates back to April, when Big Show pushed then-GM Kurt Angle off a balcony following a loss in a "Loser leaves SD" match. But that skit was so awful and cheesy that I'd feel better if he jumped ahead to Big Show's return.

Because once Show returned, we'd discovered that Angle had been faking the majority of his injuries after that fall, and it wasn't long before Show decided to make himself a babyface by going after Angle (instead of going after Eddie Guerrero). Angle took advantage of his existing henchman, Luther Reigns, and also enlisted the help of Mark Jindrak, and among them, they've spent the last 3 months getting the better of Show (including shaving him bald).

In a stupid little sidebar involving some vapid Diva Search Loser, Show has once again seen his feud with Angle's guys heat up (as he's had to save the Diva Search Loser from the unwanted advances of Luther, or something; you couldn't pay me to care). But any time it's looked like Show might get one over on one of Kurt's boys, the numbers game would kick in. So Show just said "Fuck it, if I have to fight all three of you, let's just make it official," and he demanded this 1-on-3 handicap match.

Angle's probably the business' single best overall performer (mixing ring and mic skills), Show's fun (and when motivated, can hold up his end, work-wise), Luther'd probably be in the running for "Breakout Performer of the Year" if he'd landed on RAW where he people might care about him, and Mark Jindrak.... well.... hmmmm... let's see... well, Mark Jindrak will be in the match, too. There are enough pieces in place here for an entertaining little ditty.

The OOutlOOk
Team Angle wins: 6 votes -|- Big Show wins: 4 votes

Erin Anderson Says... Big Show d. Team Angle.
So there's a new Team Angle? I bet it sucks. Anyway, Big Show wins, 'cause he's fucking huge and could break everyone in the ring in half.

Canadian Bulldog Says... Team Angle d. Big Show.
Hey, Big Show would be another perfectly acceptable challenger to JBL's WWE title at WrestleMania (yes, I know I've got Mania on the mind; so sue me). The thing is, Show doesn't need to go over here to stay strong. He's a popular now as he's even been in his career and they've even booked the 3-on-1 thing to give him an instant cop-out for losing.

If Show was facing just Reigns and Jindrak, or even Reigns, Jindrak and some other loser, then I'd have no problem picking Show as the winner. But it just seems to me that Angle's little stable would be in a whole world of trouble if the three of them can't beat one guy.

The Cubs Fan Says... Team Angle d. Big Show.
Big Show would own this match if it was on, say,
Thunder, and the three other guys were cruiserweights
who did not get introductions. While SD! has plenty of
cruiserweights who do not get introductions, they are
sadly not a part of Team Angle. (Although, I think
Akio's dressing nice enough that they should consider
him.) The fear here is Mark Jindrak will succumb to
his natural instincts to job and job hard, but I
picture more him being the distraction while Reigns
does something illegal and Angle does something legal
for the win.

Adam Gutschmidt Says... Team Angle d. Big Show.

In theory, Angle's group would probably still be considered the underdogs since they're going against the Big Show. However, since Big Show "requested" this match, I think he'll lose. Wrestlers who demand matches usually don't get what they want out of them. There will certainly be some nefarious means to get the job done, but Angle's a smart guy so he'll figure it out somehow.

Matt Hocking Says... Big Show d. Team Angle.
Who knows, right? Handicap matches are weird, in that IF the disadvantaged guy loses, it’s expected, and IF they win, then the other guys look like complete crap. So why pick Big Show? I dunno. It just makes for a little better story, I think. I don’t think we’ve seen the end of this angle, but
I think Booker gets the pin on either Luther or Jindrak transitioning the feud off of Angle finally, and moving it firmly to his underlings leaving Angle to do whatever it is he’s gonna do for the run to Mania.

Jeb Lund Says... Big Show d. Team Angle.

I like Big Show. Always have. I think this new Team Angle really sucks. I’m voting with my heart, here, but I think The Showster basically proves that no amount of shenanigans can keep a good guy down. If you want to beat the man, do it the right way: by being better. Here’s hoping Show endures cheating nastiness, then roars back to life like the superhuman monster we all know and – be honest – like quite a bit. Call it what you will – underestimating one man’s fury, underestimating natural power, forgetting about “heart,” what have you. Show should win.

"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... Team Angle d. Big Show.

If this were just some run-of-the-mill SD! match, which essentially it is, I'd have Show pin either Jindrak or Reigns as Angle bails out, setting up Show-Angle later on. But given the faces winning the top two belts, we need Show to take a loss here. It's easy enough to do with Show still coming out looking strong and Angle looking vulnerable, which is what we need.

PyroFalkon Says... Team Angle d. Big Show.
I think this will be a decent match, and will be very close. But three guys should be able take down one, especially when one of those three is Kurt Angle. Sorry Big Show, but you’re not gonna come out of this one on top.

Big Danny T Says... Team Angle d. Big Show.

Big show has a lot of aggression towards Team angle to work out, but Armageddon will not be his night. Just like with the world title situation, Big Show will get the final victory one on one with Angle.

Rick Scaia Says... Big Show d. Team Angle.
I hate over-thinking like this, but a babyface *is* gonna have to win one of these top three matches, I'm guessing. Well, not "have to," but "probably will." Personally, I'd be very tempted to book this just like the US Title match, since it's set up so that Show could lose without losing face (hey, it's against THREE fricking dudes!)... but of Amargeddon's three semi-marketable matches, this is the one I feel could best go to the fan favorite.

Why? Mostly because it'd put the period at the end of this sentence. Angle and Show have had their 4 months together, and it's time for both to move on. That means letting Show get sweet, sweet vengeance for all the tranquilizer-darting, head-shaving, and food-fighting. I say have Show pin Luther (since that'll put an end to their retarded little side issue, while also "protecting" Kurt), and you'll have yourself a fun little deal here.

Show looks like a bad-ass, and like I said above, I think him winning the Rumble would be perfect for him, and I honestly think folks would get into him being the one to vanquish JBL. And Kurt? He doesn't get pinned, and anyway, he's got this odd little "hometown hero challenge" thing going on that is custom made for eventually introducing Angle to his next major feud. So let's end this Show/Angle thing on Sunday, OK?

ROB VAN DAM/REY MYSTERIO vs. RENE DUPREE/KENZO SUZUKI
WWE Tag Team Title Match

These two teams have been wrangling for about 2 months, now, with Kenzo and Rene managing to hold onto their titles, but with RVD and Rey continuing to chase them down. This latest flare-up came about when RVD and Rey beat the champs in a non-title match 3 weeks ago, earning a title shot, which was to come at the PPV.

But then, for some reason, they decided to hold the title match last night on SD!, and RVD and Rey won. So now, we are currently scheduled for a rematch on the PPV, with RVD and Rey defending against the ex-champs. Huh.

Possible side-issue: Kenzo's geisha girl (now revealed to be his wife), Hiroko, has been tangling with Torrie Wilson (who has been tangentially aligned with RVD/Rey as a result). Hiroko's actually kinda a fun character, a little spitfire instead of your demure geisha, and she's almost certain to be a player inthe match, which makes me think that Torrie will probably make an appearance to even the odds.

I don't think these four have had a bad match yet. So the only question will be how good they can make this latest one...

The OOutlOOk
RVD/Rey win: 10 votes -|- Rene/Kenzo win: 0 votes

Erin Anderson Says... RVD/Rey d. Rene/Kenzo.
Why give 'em the titles, only to take them away less than a week later?

Canadian Bulldog Says... RVD/Rey d. Rene/Kenzo.
RVD and Rey just won the damn titles. If you're going to even ATTEMPT to create some sort of tag team division of SmackDown, you need to build up the division first. And that doesn't mean hotshotting the title switch three days after the first one airs, just to advance a storyline. It means making RVD and Rey credible champions before they lose the belts down the road.

Look at RVD and Kane last year. Were they a great team? Not really. But they were pushed on top for quite a while and even got a win over the famed Legion of Doom in what would prove to be their last televised match together. So when they eventually lost those belts, it MEANT more. That's the type of thing WWE needs to do again (although this time, maybe bring back Strike Force?).

The Cubs Fan Says... RVD/Rey d. Rene/Kenzo.
I don't think they have anything they want to do Rene
and Kenzo anymore, and there's more interesting
stories to tell with Rey and RVD as champions. I
wouldn't be surprised to see this match not happen for
whatever reason, because the title change on
SmackDown! seem awful random without it being the
result of some plan on the PPV.

Adam Gutschmidt Says... RVD/Rey d. Rene/Kenzo.

More proof as to why Pay-Per-View is becoming more and more useless each month. All pay-offs come on free TV anymore. This match has absolutely no draw to me now. Since the Bashams have come back into prominence recently, I can only assume they'll be looking to get a title shot soon. If that's the case, I think it's very likely that the faces will retain the straps.

Matt Hocking Says... RVD/Rey d. Rene/Kenzo.
As tag team title feuds go, this has probably been the best ongoing feud in the WWE in the last several months or so. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, in my opinion as everybody has brought a little something different to the table which has the possibility to mesh really well, which is always nice to see in a feud. I think both teams try to cheat with their managers getting involved (assuming RVD and Rey bring Torrie with them to counteract Hiroko), and Kenzo gets caught letching allowing ReyVD to get the pinfall.

Jeb Lund Says... RVD/Rey d. Rene/Kenzo.

I can’t really see the point in winning on TV only to lose to the same opponents at the pay-per-view. Well, that’s not true. I can see the point in it, but I don’t like it. Call it willful blindness. I see RVD/Rey winning and stamping some legitimacy on a dubious TV win. Then bring on the “they have to lose their morals to keep the belts” or the “one partner isn’t as serious as the other” or, worse, the “one partner will betray the other” storylines. Regardless, Scott Christ said it best when he said that Rey Mysterio had probably the dimmest and most disappointing future of any WWE wrestler.

"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... RVD/Rey d. Rene/Kenzo.

Why, why, why do you switch the belts right before the PPV? My brain hurts. Wouldn't surprise me if they bait-and-switch and make The Bashams the contenders. If they don't, at least we'll be treated to a good match.

PyroFalkon Says... RVD/Rey d. Rene/Kenzo.
I hate quick title changes. If RVD and Rey are going to win the tag belts, they sure as hell better keep them.

Big Danny T Says... RVD/Rey d. Rene/Kenzo.

They just wont he titles, they have a whole slew of Double team moves worked out, and the Bashams are just getting up int he spotlight. Sorry Rene and Kenzo, but looks like you'll be wrestling the Dudleys on Velocity.

Rick Scaia Says... RVD/Rey d. Rene/Kenzo.
I don't know why you do this title change 3 days before the PPV... but I'd be even more baffled if they changed the titles back 3 days later ON the PPV.

Rene/Kenzo are fun together (as I'd predicted 6 months ago, it is, indeed, comedy gold when Kenzo joins in on the French Tickler!), but looking at SD!'s roster, there's just way more options for RVD/Rey as champs right now. They take care of a few rematches with Rene/Kenzo, and then mark my words: the plan will be to get the Bashams into the mix to lend heft to JBL's "cabinet." And I'm STILL telling you that WWE has blown it in terms of RVD/Rey vs. the Dudleys. That is a pairing that practically BEGS for the TLC treatment!

SPIKE DUDLEY vs. FUNAKI
WWE Cruiserweight Title Match

Spike Dudley hasn't been on TV in 5 weeks.

Funaki won a Cruiserweight Battle Royale last night, in a stunning upset.

Now Funaki gets a PPV title shot against Spike.

And even though the story here is non-existent and WWE will probably shaft these two by giving them 5 minutes of PPV time, I expect them to be wholly enjoyable minutes while it lasts.

The OOutlOOk
Spike wins: 7 votes --|-- Funaki wins: 3 votes

Erin Anderson Says... Funaki d. Spike Dudley.
Because it would be awesome: an underdog defeating the guy who used to earn his pay by playing that role.

Canadian Bulldog Says... Spike Dudley d. Funaki.
Throughout the rich history of this sport, Funaki has "passed the torch" to many big stars, including but limited to: Tajiri, Triple H, Kurt Angle, Chris Benoit, A-Train, Billy Kidman, The Big Show, Hulk Hogan, Stacy Keibler, Michael Cole, the late, great Andre the Giant, Mr. Fuji, Fabulous Moolah, An Inanimate Carbon Rod... the list goes on and on. I see this Sunday as being no different for the legendary Japanese warrior.

The Cubs Fan Says... Spike Dudley d. Funaki.
They've lost interested with Spike's new character and
that's usually enough to make a change - but perhaps
sensing that and swerving just for swerving, Spike
held onto the title last month. I think, seeing as
they don't really have any stories they're telling
with a Spike win or a Funaki win, it's probably more
dependent on how it fits in the rest of the card. The
story of the show is "Will JBL win his title despite
the odds"; I've got John Cena overcoming the odds of
Jesus, Carlito, and his kidney injury, so I might as
well add to the theme with Spike retaining his title
against the odds of a random challenger.

Adam Gutschmidt Says... Spike Dudley d. Funaki.

This absolutely boggles my mind. They had a relatively hot feud with Kidman/London/Chavo and they've completely burned it on Velocity. I wouldn't be upset if they had been doing something meaningful with Spike on Smackdown for the past month, but he's hardly made an appearnece. I'm a little worried that because it's someone as random as Funaki that they might actually pull a title switch, just for shock value. But, since the WWE doesn't care that much about the Cruiser division, I'm sure this is just hear for pure filler only.

Matt Hocking Says... Spike Dudley d. Funaki.
Something tells me this one will be relegated to Heat. I’d say it’ll be a pretty short match with Spike coming out on top. Funaki is not going to jump from barely being on Velocity to winning the Cruiserweight title, no matter what the WWE thinks about it. If they were interested in doing some larger scale storytelling, this match could bring the return of the Dudleyz to attack Spike, and cause Spike to win via DQ. But I guess that all depends on whether or not they’re going to be back from vacation.

Jeb Lund Says... Funaki d. Spike Dudley.

I know. It’s insane. But why have Funaki win the battle royal in the first place? To show that “ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN HERE IN THE WWE, FOLKS”? We know that line. We also know that, for the most part, it isn’t true. And a cruiserweight battle royal doesn’t really reinforce that concept. We tend to forget them pretty easily, since WWE forgets them even faster. If you want to prove that anything can happen in the WWE, you can have Triple H lose the belt cleanly on Raw. (Note: that didn’t happen, even with about a thousand opportunities for it to happen plausibly in the last month.)

So I’m picking Funaki. Why? Because a squash is going to be awful to watch. And pointless. Here’s a chance to have someone different win the cruiserweight title. Any run-in by another cruiserweight to cost Spike the title can justify Funaki’s out-of-nowhere win. Spike can get embroiled in a feud with whomever ran interference. Meanwhile, we could have a decent comedy run with Funaki as champ. He can interview himself. People can cut promos on him that he doesn’t understand. There are many possibilities, almost all of which are light years more entertaining that Funaki coming out of nowhere to get stomped badly by Spike Dudley and God knows who else.

"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... Spike Dudley d. Funaki.

Perhaps a little extra help from The Dudley will give Spike the edge. Or maybe Molly Holly will return to her one true love. Nah, I think civilization is safe for now.

PyroFalkon Says... Spike Dudley d. Funaki.
C’mon. Ain’t no way Funaki is going to get a belt, no matter how much I think he’s underrated.

Big Danny T Says... Spike Dudley d. Funaki.

Spike retains, maybe with the help of his brothers. Funaki then chases the title until Wrestlemania where he wins it in one of the most dramatic moments in WM history! Or the title is forgotten about and Funaki goes back to spinning his wheels. Pick one.

Rick Scaia Says... Funaki d. Spike Dudley.
Nobody -- NObody -- is a bigger fan of "The Boss" Spike Dudley than I am. But right now, with Bubba and D-Von taking their first vacation in a decade, Spike's the boss of absolutely nothing. The result is that his Littlest Dictator persona has evaporated in the last 6 weeks. I can't remember the last time Spike even had a speaking part on SD!...

So why not pull the trigger with Funaki? I think fans would LOVE it, and best of all, it's the coolest way I can think of to rehabilitate "The Boss." Seriously: if he just retains, we enter 7 weeks of Spike being not as interesting as he used to be even if he is still the champ. But if Spike loses? He has something to be angry about, a fit he can pitch, and if Bubba and D-Von come back soon, Spike will be LOTS more fun if he's gotta boss them around to help him get his title back.

Funaki with the upset win is absolutely the necessary play here: it's a feel good moment that fans'll eat up, and it's the best way to get Spike back to being an interesting character. Those two things together spell a chance for the CW Title to appear somewhere other than on Saturday nights when nobody's watching, so I say you GOTTA do it.

SOME UFC TOOLBOX vs. SOME MTV TOOLBOX
A Tough Enough Boxing Match That If You Actually Care About It, Then You Cannot Be My Friend

You're joking, right? You expect me to preview something that WWE is actually billing as a "Dixie Dogfight," as if it needed any more gay lameness?

Listen, if you liked Tough Enough when it was a weekly series on MTV, fine, that's you. Me, I don't care about watching nobodies bungling their way through a "reality" that's as fabricated as anything on any scripted TV show. But if it makes you feel like maybe YOU will get your 15 minutes if those idiots on TV got theirs, or whatever other reason you'd have for watching any of these dumb shows, that's cool with me.

What I don't like is when Tough Enough failed so miserably that MTV didn't want to run a fourth season, but WWE decided to NOT take the hint, and brought this dumb ass "reality" show back as a 20-minute-per-week Anchor of Suck on SD!. I honestly don't care. There's a reason I don't religiously watch OVW, dammit: because I'll wait till these guys are READY TO BE ENTERTAINING before I waste my time on them.

Apparently, this contest has come down to some guy who actually knows how to fight for real against some guy who's only discernable claim to fame is that this is his SECOND really dumb "reality show," since I guess he was on one of MTV's other half-hours of crap a while back. Do I even have to tell you that that makes him a Complete Stranger to me? And that it should be the same for you, unless you have WAY too much free time on your hands.

Notice how I haven't mentioned that this will be a boxing match consisting of 3 one-minute rounds? Because it doesn't fucking matter, you suckers. Both these guys are getting WWE contracts, as well as at least 2 or 3 of the other TE losers that I know of for sure. Not unlike ANOTHER shitty "reality TV concept" that took place over on RAW. WWE: taking really dumb ideas, and making them utterly pointless to boot since May 2004!

The OOutlOOk
UFC Toolbox wins: 10 votes
MTV Toolbox wins: 0 votes

Erin Anderson Says... UFC Toolbox d. MTV Toolbox.
In a real fight, I pick the UFC guy every time. This is supposed to be a real fight, right? Because if the skinny guy from The Real World wins, the fix is in.

Canadian Bulldog Says... UFC Toolbox d. MTV Toolbox.
Confession time: Your friendly neighborhood Bulldog hasn't been watching any of the Tough Enough segments. I just find them boring and meaningless, kind of like a metaphor for most of SmackDown this year. All I know is that Puder almost made Angle tap out, and then the UFC community had a collective hard-on for this. So I'm gonna go with him; nothing personal against his opponent, I just have no idea who the hell he is.

The Cubs Fan Says... UFC Toolbox d. MTV Toolbox.
We've reached the typical emotional end of any
televised talent contest (not to be mistaken with
scholorship competitions), where anyone even slightly
cynical is overcome by that feeling that everyone
involved is getting a contract and the winner doesn't
really matter. (Well, they theoretically get a million
dollars, but they're not giving any of it to ME, so
what do I care.) Actually, I think you're better off
losing at this point if you're interested in a long
term career; you'll probably get a developmental deal,
but you'll get a chance of earning your way on to the
roster, and not looked upon and messed with because
you won a contest.

On the other hand, money's good.

If I were the kind of person who read, say, Dave
Meltzer's site and possibly appeared under an assumed
name as a fill in recapper, and read that this is
going to be three one-minute rounds, I'd figure the
only thing those sort of rules would accomplish is to
leave them pretty fresh for the post match worked
pulled apart. But I'm surely not.

The better question is why they let Hardcore Hollly
punch out Al Snow last week if they were not going to
follow up on it later - why let someone who's
supposedly on double secret probation keep his heat
for no reason at all?

Anyway, Mizanin's shown nothing impressive on the
strength stuff, so I'll go with Puder. The Bart Gunn
Memorial KO punch would be fun, though.

Adam Gutschmidt Says... UFC Toolbox d. MTV Toolbox.

I really have no interest in this. Like Rick, I've fast-forwarded through all of these segment. I know the Miz from his stuff on MTV and I know Pruder is the one that almost ripped Angle's arm off. Going off only that knowledge and the fact that this is supposed to be a shoot fight, I think Pruder wins this easily. The Miz seems like a nice enough guy so I hope he doesn't get Bart Gunned too badly.

Matt Hocking Says... UFC Toolbox d. MTV Toolbox.
I guess I’m the only one who’s been vaguely entertained by watching this Tough Enough. It hasn’t been nearly as good as the previous ones, but for me, watching to see what possibilities these kids have for the future. The fans made the right decision here, but the actual match will be no contest. The WWE isn’t dumb, they know they have another chance to get a “Ken Shamrock” guy over in Puder, and they’re going to try it out. Unfortunately, Mizanin has far superior charisma and appears more comfortable with an audience watching, which means the WWE would have ANOTHER guy who can wrestle but can’t talk.

Jeb Lund Says... UFC Toolbox d. MTV Toolbox.

Puder apparently did some shoot-wrestling on Angle. He’s a legitimate bad-ass or at least legitimately pretty damn assertive. For the most part, we don’t care, and rightly so. But WWE would be foolish to forget the storyline potential of having Puder win, then do a program with Angle down the road. I can’t think of anything innately positive about Whatshisname. Of course, I can barely think of anything innately positive about anything related to this Tough Enough junk. But Whatshisname registers absolutely nothing on my personal, TV viewer or wrestling fan sensors. Nothing. Geiger counters dead. I at least think of Puder as the guy who had the moxie to mess with Kurt Angle. Screw Whatshisname.

"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... UFC Toolbox d. MTV Toolbox.

Someone tell WWE that "dogfight" is one word. Anyway, unless they make these guys use the giant gloves the Divas wore on RAW, this is going to be ugly. Mizanin will be very thankful the rounds are only 60 sec - if he lasts through Round 1.

PyroFalkon Says... UFC Toolbox d. MTV Toolbox.
Who the fuck cares about this match? Let’s flip a coin here… okay, Puder wins. What’s next on the card?

Big Danny T Says... UFC Toolbox d. MTV Toolbox.

Ok, if this is a legitamate fight, then Puder all the way. If it's a "sports entertainment package," well, I still vote Puder.

Rick Scaia Says... UFC Toolbox d. MTV Toolbox.
The only way I'll give a shit is if UFC guy punches MTV guy so hard that MTV Guy is put into a Permanent Coma, and UFC Guy's arm actually detaches from his body, rendering him unable to accept his ill-gotten million dollar contract.

JACKIE GAYDA vs. DAWN MARIE
With Special Referee Charlie Haas

Jackie Gayda and Charlie Haas got engaged (for real, and then in storylines). Dawn Marie is claiming to be having regular, mind-blowing sex with Charlie Haas because she's such a tiger in the sack and gives Charlie everything he can't get from his fiancé.

Charlie has denied this, which should probably have been the end of it.

But no: instead, this crap. Jackie simply MUST... um, "defend her honor," maybe?, against Dawn! There's nothing to do but wage sloppy, sloppy attempted wrestling! With poor Charlie Haas left standing there to ponder exactly how he went from being As Equally Promising As Shelton Benjamin to THIS shit. Seriously, can ANYone honestly tell me they find this compelling television?

The OOutlOOk
Dawn wins: 8 votes --|-- Jackie wins: 2 votes

Erin Anderson Says... Dawn Marie d. Jackie Gayda.
Remember Matt v. Jeff Hardy, with Lita as the special guest referee? No? Well, the match sucked, and the finish was screwy and destroyed the relationships between all three (until they all disappeared and for some reason reunited at the Royal Rumble a few months later.) Anyhow, the same thing will happen here. And the match will be even worse.

Canadian Bulldog Says... Dawn Marie d. Jackie Gayda.
It's time to make this silly little feud mean something, and that would be accomplished nicely if Haas turns on Jackie. Not only would it give Haas something to do (although the balance of faces and heels on this roster is already off-kilter), but it would give him a little more personality. He doesn't need Jackie, especially now that Rico is gone, to get over. But he does need something to match his considerable ring skills. Of course, if they try to turn Jackie and Charlie's wedding into some sort of storyline affair down the road, they need the two of them together. But sometimes the obvious swerve is the best one.

The Cubs Fan Says... Dawn Marie d. Jackie Gayda.
This is all a pointless waste of time unless Charlie
turns and helps Dawn win. OR, they both turn on
Charlie. There's no way to pick that as a finish, is
there?

Adam Gutschmidt Says... Dawn Marie d. Jackie Gayda.

It's unlikely that any good can come from this. Given that Hass is the referee, it's another cliche situation where Dawn Marie has to win. This thing is going to end in one of two ways, either a) Haas really has been doing Dawn and joins her in defeating Jackie or b) they do this thing where Charlie wins both ladies and they do a three way kiss like Dreamer did back ECW.

Matt Hocking Says... Jackie Gayda d. Dawn Marie.
This match hinges on whether or not the WWE is interested in a heel Charlie Haas or not. If they are, he turns, joins Dawn Marie, and makes Jackie miserable. If they don’t, he stays with Jackie. I’m guessing the face Haas is more valuable at this point, so he teases a turn with the porn level of acting we’ve come to expect from this feud, but counts for Jackie in the end. Of course, if they REALLY want to capitalize on the popularity of ECW, Charlie should just say “I’m Hardcore, I’ll take both!” Of course, this would result in him getting kicked in the balls backstage by Bob Holly for gimmick infringement. Then he would get fired. Yeah, do that one.

Jeb Lund Says... Dawn Marie defeats Jackie Gayda, in the process allowing Charlie Haas to demonstrate his undying love for Jackie. They then have sex in the ring.

Never underestimate the power of a really unattractive whore that WWE has somehow deemed “hot.” The continued portrayal of Dawn Marie as anything but a street-level ugly woman absolutely baffles me. Please don’t email me to disagree with this, because that’s only going to lower my estimation of you. I couldn’t give a damn about her body: Dawn Marie is unsettlingly hard to look at. I used to live with a guy who night managed a cheap-ass motel on the strip in Sarasota. It took all of three seconds of Dawn Marie being on TV for him to start laughing and scream, “HOLY SHIT! WWE decided to skip the middle step and started hiring WHORES to act like whores! Fucking genius!”

Anyway, crack whores fight often, and they fight mean. Look for Dawn Marie to kick the shit out of Jackie Gayda and basically catalyze all of Haas’ love, concern and sympathy for Gayda. And I know what you’re saying: yeah, Gayda has hot-tub whore credentials all her own. But she’s fucking soft.

"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... Dawn Marie d. Jackie Gayda.

Special Referee Charlie Haas will turn on Miss Jackie. Oh, the humanity!

PyroFalkon Says... Jackie Gayda d. Dawn Marie.
With Charlie Haas’s face turn coming only several months ago, I don’t see why they’d turn him back to heel this quick. If he does a quick-count or something for Dawn, and the fans actually care, he’ll be heel for it. See the logic? Maybe once or twice a year the WWE does something logical.

Big Danny T Says... Dawn Marie d. Jackie Gayda.

Oh look, a Quarter! *flips* Ok, the quarter says Jackie, but i'm going to have to go with Dawn-Marie, mainly because a win by her keeps the "drama" going.

Rick Scaia Says... Dawn Marie d. Jackie Gayda.
Two other guys already stole my intended joke about how this should end with MegaStud Charlie Haas getting the two girls to agree to share him, and then have them make out. It'd be stupid, but at least it'd be SURPRISINGLY stupid. So instead, I'll just pick Dawn; but I'm NOT necessarily saying it has to come as part of a Haas heel turn. This story sucks so bad that I'm sure it simply MUST continue. Which means that through some miscommunication, Charlie ends up helping Dawn Marie, and then because he's still KINDA impartial must count a win for her. I'm sure the ambiguity and uncertainty will rivet us all as Dawn spends a month saying it's further proof that she and Charlie are fucking; Jackie will be angry at Charlie for not cheating more aggressively on her behalf; and it'll have the net effect of driving poor Charlie crazy (and possibly into the waiting arms of Dawn Marie, in the Ironic Twist to End All Ironic Twists).

OK, WWE, I just told everybody how this would continue to suck until February. So do we really have to see it play out on TV, now? Can we just get ditch Jindrak and get Haas on Team Angle already?

EXTRAS/CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

Seven announced matches are just PART of the story at Armageddon. Here's some other stuff you might keep an eye out for....

The OOutlOOk

Erin Anderson Says... Leave me alone, The Rick, I don't give a shit about this PPV, and I got a final in 6 hours.

Canadian Bulldog Says... This is "Might-See TV"!
I'm probably not going to watch this event Sunday. It's more of a scheduling problem than a genuine disinterest in the show, but at the same time... there's not a helluva lot I feel I NEED to see here. The Raw PPV's, as poor as they are sometimes, always have at least one can't miss match. This one has none of those, the epic Spike Dudley-Funaki battle notwithstanding.

Chavo Guerrero vs. Billy Kidman is YOUR Sunday Night Heat match.... The Hilarious Adventures of Kenzo Stalking Torrie (tm) is pretty much a backstage given... I would be quite surprised if they didn't allow Heidenreich the opportunity to do something goofy as well, perhaps attacking and/or reading poetry to Teddy Long... It's a shame that Carlito isn't healthy, because I think a PPV like this could have really helped to bolster his reputation. Still, I'd expect to see him in some way, shape or form, probably just as a second for the Cena-Jesus match... Finally, will Vince McMahon stay away from screwing up Raw long enough to make a "major announcement" at Armageddon? I doubt it; but this way, if it does, my ass is covered.

The Cubs Fan Says... There shall be no Steve Bartmans here; the Crown is MINE! Or is it?
It's a long, long time till Royal Rumble. They get at
least one week off from doing stuff for the UAE show,
but there's not a lot of momentum right now, and I
don't know how much of it they'll get out of the PPV;
they should have a new champion, but outside of a
uninteresting rematch with JBL, there's no short term
programs. (I'm assuming Angle is saved for
WrestleMania.) Like last month, this does not seem
like the start of something big; this seems like the
continuation of SD!'s slow stroll towards
WrestleMania.

I gotta figure something like London/Kidman gets added
to the show or at least Heat. While they usually book
four ways to be exciting, they're missing an exciting
match from the card; Spike and Funaki looks the
closest, but they're more used to doing solid matches
against each other, holding up their end while their
opponent does the more flashy stuff. Nothing else
looks that promising.

I think I might just be going down on the last day of
the season. That'd be a devastating set back for the
whole thecubsfan organization, though fitting for the
pseudonym.

Adam Gutschmidt Says... Come for the wrestling, Stay for Paul Heyman's Very Jewish Christmas!

There will be multiple appearance by those worthless Diva rejects which will get the hilbillies hot and bothered but will make me roll my eyes knowing that the money used to hire them could have been used in a much more productive manner.

Torrie and Hiroko will probably engage in more action than Cena and Jesus do in their match. And folks, that's not saying much.

Heyman will throw Heidenreich a Christmas party in his padded cell because frankly he's got nothing else better to do now that he's been demoted. Plus, this PPV didn't quite suck enough, so they need to do something to put it over the edge.

Matt Hocking Says... Nothing.

Jeb Lund Says... Nothing.

"The Immolator" Calum Macbeth Says... Peace on Earth, and Good Will Toward Atlanta.

Lots of ads for Blade: Trinity. But no cameos from Extreme Blade, Master Blaster Blade or Trinity. Nor will Ron Simmons come out and call Teddy Long "Peanuthead." But we will see Torrie Wilson and Hiroko in a catfight. What Would Calum Do? Bring out the remaining Freebirds. Do one of those nice tribute videos playing up the history of wrestling in Atlanta. Make sure Gordon Solie is all over it. Basically, do anything to foster some goodwill with the wrestling fans.

PyroFalkon Says... Armageddon's got NOTHING on Byte This!
Following this sentence will be every interesting thing for Armageddon…

…

What? I already did that joke this week? All right, um… Well, I’ll be home doing more interesting things than watching this one. Like putting up Christmas lights or cutting my fingernails. Watching paint dry, maybe.

But that said, I’m actually interested in the continuing interactions between Torrie and Hiroko. In a brand that I’m otherwise not impressed with (not that RAW has been much better the past two weeks, aside from the last two matches this last week), I really couldn’t care less what’s happening. Viva apathy tilde bang!

Big Danny T Says... Nothing.

Rick Scaia Says... Stick with me for five more paragraphs, because THE END IS NEAR!
It angers me that they've bungled the Kidman/Chavo story, and in so doing, double-bungled Paul London's return. Some combination of those three could have kicked all kinds of ass in a PPV setting. Maybe they'll get the Heat slot, instead? Yeah, like giving 4 minutes to what should be a 12 minute match is gonna placate me...

Teddy Long will be featured prominently, kissing up to his hometown crowd.

The Diva Search Losers will annoy and anger me. Except for My Michelle McCool, who may be utterly useless, but who (unlike every other Diva Search Loser) is being useless in a fairly likeable, convincing, non-shitty-acting sort of way.

I will want to hunt down and kill whoever was responsible for that goddamned "Not The End" song (as performed by Not The Doors) after it's 198th appearance on the show, but will calm down at 10:50pm (eastern) when I realize that I won't have to hear that fucking thing again for another 11 months.

So check out Armageddon on Sunday night, if you're so inclined. Keep notes on which of your favorite OO Personalities are doing well on PPV Picks, since that's about the biggest excitement of the night from where I sit! Or if you must take a pass, I'll be posting my immediate post-show PPV Recap sometime proximate to midnight on Sunday! See you then....

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Bonding Exercises

RAW RECAP: The New Guy Blows It

PPV RECAP: WWE Night of Champions 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: 18 Seconds? NO! NO! NO!

RAW RECAP: The Show Must Go On

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Boot Gets the Boot

RAW RECAP: Heyman Lands an Expansion Franchise

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Losing is the new Winning

RAW RECAP: Say My Name

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Deja Vu All Over Again

RAW RECAP: Dignity Before Gold?

PPV RECAP: SummerSlam 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Backfired!

RAW RECAP: Bigger IS Better

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Hitting with Two Strikes

RAW RECAP: Heel, or Tweener?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Destiny Do-Over

RAW RECAP: CM Punk is Not a Fan of Dwayne

SMACKDOWN RECAP: The Returnening

RAW RECAP: Countdown to 1000

PPV RECAP: WWE Money in the Bank 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Friday Night ZackDown

RAW RECAP: Closure's a Bitch

SMACKDOWN RECAP: In-BRO-pendence Day

RAW RECAP: Crazy Gets What Crazy Wants

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Five Surprising MitB Deposits

RAW RECAP: Weeeellll, It's a Big MitB

SMACKDOWN RECAP: #striketwo

RAW RECAP: Johnny B. Gone

PPV RECAP: WWE No Way Out 2012

RAW RECAP: Crazy Go Nuts

SMACKDOWN RECAP: You're Welcome

RAW RECAP: Be a Star, My Ass

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Needs More Kane?

RAW RECAP: You Can't See Him

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Lady Power

RAW RECAP: Big Johnny Still in Charge

PPV RECAP: WWE Over the Limit 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: One Gullible Fella

RAW RECAP: Anvil, or Red Herring?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Everybody Hates Berto

RAW RECAP: Look Who's Back

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Care to go Best of Five?

RAW RECAP: An Ace Up His Sleeve

PPV RECAP: WWE Extreme Rules 2012

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Sh-Sh-Sheamus and the nOObs

RAW RECAP: Edge, the Motivational Speaker?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: AJ is Angry, Jilted

RAW RECAP: Maybe Cena DOES Suck?

SMACKDOWN RECAP: No! No! No!

RAW RECAP: Brock's a Jerk

SMACKDOWN RECAP: Back with a Bang

RAW RECAP: Yes! Yes! Yes!

PPV RECAP: WWE WrestleMania 28

E-MAIL RICK SCAIA
BROWSE THE OO ARCHIVES

Rick Scaia is a wrestling fan from Dayton, OH. He's been doing this since 1995, but enjoyed it best when the suckers from SportsLine were actually PAYING him to be a fan.