Everything you've been promised will eventually be yours. It's not like 95% of you aren't just coming here and free-loading, anyway! Wait, come to think of it: why in the hell am *I* apologizing to *you*? Every day that I deign to grace you with my presence for even the briefest and most half-assed of visits, I'm doing you a favor, dammit!

Like I am right now:

• Last night's Rumble PPV? A good one, I thought.  With the exception of Taker/Heidenreich's ill-constructed and over-long match, everything else was a hit. All the backstage stuff was excellent, even JBL and Randy Orton were a part of very good matches, and of course, the Rumble itself was as exciting and action-packed as you could please.
   
  If you've missed it, the full details of the entire show can be had in last night's post-show OO Royal Rumble Recap.
   
  There's not really a whole lot more I want to add, but there is a lot of fall-out in terms of injuries and stuff, so let's sort that out, shall we?
   
  First: Randy Orton was not really hurt, and I'm almost ashamed on behalf of those who asked. If nothing else, the speed with which JR and King started speculating about a concussion after an innocuous-looking bump should have tipped you off that it was part of the intended story of the match. There were countless other contextual hints you should have taken as the match continued, too, but if I say much more on this, I turn into that which I hate: the smark assclown who is too busy THINKING during a wrestling show and not busy enough ENJOYING. So I save myself by pointing out that even though I'm a sharp enough cookie that I never once THOUGHT Orton was really hurt, it didn't stop me from ENJOYING the last half of the Orton/HHH match.
   
  Second: Paul London was not really hurt, but if you happened to think he had been, I almost couldn't blame you in that case. That bump he took from Snitsky was easily the Holy Shit Moment of 2005 to date. Now if only I had any faith that SD! would take notice of London's innate ability (rare among spotastic Cruisers) to hit the right amazing spot at the exact right time to get average fans to get up and cheer for him...
   
  But then we get to the Big Enchilada...
   
  Vince McMahon really *was* hurt last night, though he did his best to avoid tipping fans off. I only got to see it once (my stupid friend may have the PlasmaTron TV, but he doesn't have DVR so we could rewind; and WWE sure went out of its way to not show any replays of Vince's clumsiness), but my notion was that something was wrong on Vince's last step as he slid into the ring, and then when he tried to get to his feet, his knee was already shot, and it buckled on him. That might be wrong, but basically, he sat down and you gotta give the guy credit for not ONCE showing any signs of pain and trying to convey as much authority as he could sitting on his ass.
   
  Depending on what the injury is, exactly, and how severe, this could end up being yet another in this epidemic of knee injuries that started 3 weeks ago at New Year's Revolution.
   
  The situation with Vince does become doubly unfortunate because it was likely the result of the show running WAY late (it ended at 10:58pm, eastern time), and he wouldn't have had to be in such a rush if not for the shortage of time. Some third hand sources are even saying that they have heard that Vince's entire run-in was unscheduled and he just did it to speed up the process of getting the match restarted. At the very least, the entire Batista/Cena segment was very abbreviated, and probably had been booked to be substantially longer. But time shortages are what happens when you spend 5 minutes too long on a Heidenreich match or tell Randall Orton to wander around even MORE aimlessly, slowly, and stupidly than normal for the final quarter of his match...
   
  But as for the on-screen product, I don't think the rush-job at the end or Vince's dictating from the seat of his pants did anything to hurt the Rumble. From a fan perspective, it was still a strong finish to a strong show.
   
  From a backstage perspective, this could get interesting, since if Vince needs surgery or anything, it will effect his ability to be a cross-brand, drink-stirring straw on the Road to WrestleMania. Then again, I guess as long as WWE didn't have any designs on anything really involved between Austin and McMahon for WM, Vince can probably still hobble around on crutches and make cross-promotional matches, if he wants. We'll see. Obviously, the two main cross-promotional matches that seem locked in at this point are Angle/Michaels and Taker/Kane vs. Heidenreich/Snitsky...  and as I only half-joked in the PPV Preview, I expect at least one more to be added, and that it will more than likely include a Titanic Struggle of some kind between the Useless Divas of RAW and the Useless Divas of SmackDown. Just because.
   
  Anyway, the upshot of all this is: the injuries that were presented as injuries last night at the Rumble were NOT real. The one injury that was glossed over and ignored was very real. And more important, the show on which all this happened was a good strong one, with only one little 20 minute hole out of an action-packed 3 hour show.  Again, check the Rumble PPV Recap for additional results, if you need to...
   
  
• And after a PPV, it's immediately back on the horse again for a live edition of RAW.
   
  And tonight's a unique opportunity, as the stars of SD! will ALSO be in the same building (the event in California kicks off at 5:30pm local time, which I'm guessing means no Heat tapings before RAW goes live at 6pm local time; after RAW concludes, they'll do some set changes and switch over for SD! tapings before 9pm local time, and have everybody out of there by 11pm; I *am* wondering what happens with Heat and Velocity this week, though, unless they can squeeze those tapings in, too, tonight).
   
  But this is more a logistics move by WWE, not a creative move. There may be cross-overs tonight, but there may not... the reasons the Fed booked things this way are (a) because they could (due to the timezone thing), and (b) because they need to regroup for the dual-brand tour of the Pacific Rim, and they just couldn't afford to keep the SD! guys in North America an extra day to run their own tapings.
   
  In fact, WWE is running a "Super Show" on Tuesday night in Hawaii on the way to Japan. Once in Japan, the RAW guys have to work an extra show (a house show in Korea, in addition to taping next week's RAW in Japan), while the SD! guys only work a single TV taping in Japan. They regroup and do another "Super Show" together in Alaska on the way home, and then get a whole week off before both brands resume work on Valentine's Day weekend.
   
  Point is: tonight's RAW could conceivable feature cross-over storytelling with SD!. The guys will be there, if WWE wants to go that way. But you don't necessarily want to go in EXPECTING that to happen, since there are VERY good reasons why WWE has doubled up these tapings tonight that DON'T involve cross-overs.
   
  So as I look ahead to tonight, my instinct is to just stick to things RAW, and let any bonus material be a surprise to me.
   
  The A Number One story tonight will be Batista and Triple H, no doubt. Already, the official RAW preview has latched onto a concept I talked about in the OO PPV Preview: that Batista still has the option to jump to SD!, and one has to wonder if he'd take it or if HHH would (in chickenshit fashion) suggest that he take it, or what.
   
  For my part, I love the idea of this being Batista's Biggest and Bestest Night of Logical Reasoning To Date. Everything in this story so far has been HHH harping on "teamwork" and "this is all about Evolution" and "don't be selfish" to Batista. And *I* think, if you let Batista be the Logical Monster he's been for the last few months, tonight's the night HHH is backed into a rhetorical corner.
   
  If Batista selfishly wants HHH's title, he's gonna stay on RAW to take it. If Batista believes in Evolution ahead of all else, he won't want to break up the group to jump to SD!, which means staying on RAW and taking his shot at the World Heavyweight Title. For whatever it's worth, I'd really pay money to see the understated, calm, cool, collected promo in which Triple H nervously hints that Batista should go to SD! and chase JBL, and Batista counters with, "I've thought about that Champ, but that'd be selfish of me, only thinking about myself. My duty is to Evolution, just like you've said, to make sure that we keep the title in the group. And the way to do that is for me to stay here and make sure nobody takes that belt away from you, Trips. And at WrestleMania, man? May the best man win, but either way, Evolution's still a winner, right? And isn't that what's important?".  I want that so much more than some melodramatic blow-up...  HHH is simply backed into a corner, and he can't do anything about it without contradicting himself.  He can't kick Batista out of Evolution, he can't do anything. And so we ride to WM with more of these slow-simmering character moments, and we get to WM with Batista still in Evolution, maybe Flair caught in the middle, and a chance to do something big and dramatic and exciting in the ring and in the context of a match, instead of in an over-wrought promo. But by now, you know how I likes me doing Big Moments in the ring, instead of on the mic.
   
  So anyway, that's kinda my guess as to what happens tonight with Batista and HHH: not a whole lot, just babysteps forward, but definitely a confirmation that Batista's not jumping anywhere.
   
  We also know of two confirmed matches for tonight, one of which seems kind of intriguing: Shawn Michaels will team up with Randy Orton to take on Triple H and Ric Flair. This is curious for a few reasons... one, it puts Michaels into the middle of something he's got no business in the middle of, since he's STILL got issues with Edge, and now new ones with Kurt Angle. Two, HHH and Flair are still united, but by this point of the show, will Batista still be on board? And three, if Randy Orton had a concussion the night before, what shape will he be in here, and might his scrambled brain be the start of something fresh for his character?  Basically, it's a deal where I don't even know where to start previewing, since you have a few stories in the match, but then even more when you start rifling through possible run-ins (Angle, Edge, Batista)... so I'll just say these are four guys I'd trust to have a pretty good match, if they get enough time to let it develop.
   
  And the second match is Kane vs. Snitsky, this time, in a steel cage. Yippee. If I thought for one second that this would be the night that Trish returned to TV with the Smitten Matt Hardy in tow to exact revenge on Kane for that dastardly chokeslam, I might be down with Chapter 389 of this Feud That Won't Die. But instead, I'd be more willing to bet on Heidenreich and/or Taker being the surprise guests here. Which is fine; I guess fans'll eat it up, and I just have to resign myself to the fact that I and I alone have this notion that WM is not the time for tepid foregone conclusions of matches, especially not if you're burning one of your very few cross-brand opportunities on it. Honestly: to me, there's nothing creative or compelling about combining two singles feuds nobody really cares about anymore into one tag feud that nobody will care about past the first time Taker and Kane acknowledge each other.
   
  Let's see, what else tonight? Well, RAW has no PPV to worry about till WM21 itself, so it's probably time to get the mid-card in order so that there are quality stories in the IC and tag divisions. Shelton's gonna need a strong challenger to step up, since there's only so many times he can face Christian. I'd say I wouldn't mind Edge easing into the picture, but his whole character seems pretty much based on considering anything less than the World Title to be a consolation prize, so they've painted themselves into a corner there. [Also: Edge looks like he won't have Michaels to face at Mania, and although I expect Edge to provide HBK with some Free Per View competition in the next 2 months, this means Edge is kinda SOL for the Granddaddy of 'Em All; it might almost be better for him to "step down" and see the worth of the IC Title. To make Edge feel better, you could even have Benoit and Jericho also "step down," to create some gimmick four-way match at Mania that would likely kick all manner of ass.] But wet dreams aside, if I had to guess, I'd say that my guess from a month ago is looking better and better and that Muhammad Hassan will be the guy who ends up drawing Shelton Duty.  I can totally see him showing up tonight with revenge on his mind against the ringfull of dudes who eliminated him last night, and one of those dudes WAS Shelton. Then again, three others were Edge, Benoit, and Jericho, so...
   
  I dunno, but it's a thought.
   
  Tag division? Well, this has GOT to be a no brainer for Regal and Tajiri, right? Unless you're just gonna waste Benoit and Jericho as a tag team (where the competition level is so low that you're not getting the maximum return out of the two, and where they'd basically be Division Killers), it seems last week's Happy Meeting between Regal and Tajiri will set them up for something fun. Unless Regal will be more just a mentor for Tajiri, and Tajiri/Rhyno re-emerge as a full-time team with Regal at their side?  Except that really doesn't fit for me, unless it's done as a short term thing to set-up for the humorless Rhyno to turn heel on the more comedically-capable Tajiri/Regal....  until RAW gets that sorted out, La Resistance can continue to reign over a division that is one heartbeat away from death. There's only so many times you can beat Hurricane and Rosey before nobody cares.
   
  Women's division? I wish. Trish is the champ, and whenever she gets back on TV after "selling the chokeslam," I bet WWE has her more concerned with Kane than with her title. And to some extent, that's fine, because at this juncture, Trish's character and personality is more than sufficient to carry her through this phase where she might be asked to do nothing much different than any of the Useless Diva Losers are asked to do (stand around, look pretty, and deliver some lines). But that doesn't mean I'm still not livid that Stacy's Useless Diva Brigade will probably have a half-dozen stupid T&A matches before Trish again defends her title in a meaningful match. If the women's belt is gonna be on the line at WM21, WWE honestly has two choices for something that'd be worthwhile (1) put it on the line in some silly T&A gimmick match so Stacy and Spaz and everybody can play, or (2) turn and push Molly (since Victoria/Trish has already been done to death and won't seem nearly special enough for Mania).  I think we all know which one of those WWE will pick. So I won't bother regaling you with the surefire brainstorm I just had for (2), but it'd be pretty freaking sweet.
   
  Like I hinted at above with the HBK/Edge stuff, I think we might have ourselves a Free Per View week or two coming up on RAW over the next two months... but in the macro view, those weeks, as fun as they may be, will be mere stepping stones to WrestleMania. Starting tonight, we should get a handle on some of the Big Picture, which doesn't make it an FPV week in and of itself, but should make for an interesting night of TV.
   
  As always, you can check it out, or just hold back and wait till OO publishes the Best Damned RAW Recap Period on Tuesday...  I'm back on the job this week. Not that, at this point, some people can't even tell the difference between me and Erin. Except that I don't get hit on by lame dudes and she harbors no impure thoughts about Trish Stratus, but you get the idea; the Patented OO RAW Recap Format, it's down to a science at this point, baby! So come on back for that tomorrow if you happen to miss out on RAW. Or even if you see it. Cuz even if the show sucks, OO can make it better!
   
  
• Before we get too far away from the PPV talk... yes, I, personally, was a perfect 5-for-5. So was Matt Hocking here at OO. But unfortunately, the Swine at WrestleLine had four of their nine writers nail perfect scores, and here at OO, let's just say a couple of our non-RAW Recappers struggled with 1-for-5 performances, dragging down our 10-person average.
   
  Don't think I won't bring the hammer down!
   
  In any case, the full results of this latest PPV Predictions Battle can be found right here.
   
  
• OK, so in the last week, the WWE TV Contract Controversy has spun way out of control into a massive game of he-said/he-said...
   
  And the truth is: Viacom has NOT officially notified WWE about the non-renewal of SmackDown! when that contract expires in 2006. So score one for me (and I gather, many other internet types) jumping the gun...
   
  But the truth ALSO is: we jumped the gun based on the exact quotes of Viacom Head Honcho Les Moonves, who made it clear that he has an idea for where UPN needs to go to rehab it's network image, and that he does not believe that wrestling is a part of that vision.
   
  So now there's this whole school of thought that Moonves is just posturing, to cow WWE into playing softball with them. This would not just include negotiating for a renewal of SD!, but also the much-more time-sensitive negotiations over RAW and the SpikeTV package. There is a school of thought that if WWE left SpikeTV for another network this fall, Viacom would be MUCH less enthusiastic about renewing SD! on UPN (SpikeTV is part of the Viacom family, too). 
   
  So just when you think this mess can't get any more complicated and in-bred, what happens? Yesterday, SpikeTV's president decided to resign. Albie Hecht was the champion of the "network for men" idea and obviously as such, a supporter of the WWE presence on the network. 
   
  So why's he leaving? Because Viacom wants to re-brand ANOTHER network, and doesn't want Spike pursuing that "network for men" idea anymore. They want to go general entertainment, like USA and TNT... and just like that, it's not necessarily a sure thing how WWE fits in with their vision for the future. And Hecht knew *he* certainly didn't fit into those plans for the future, so he axed himself before somebody else did it for him.
   
  But just as with SD! on UPN, RAW on Spike is the network's highest rated show. And "rebranding" or not, you don't just kiss your ratings anchor goodbye. So while I could envision Viacom showing less interest in 3 weekend hours of shittily-rated shows on Spike, I gotta imagine they'll retain a pretty serious interest in RAW itself and the WWE brand.
   
  And as always, there's the side issue of how interested WWE is in continuing its relationship with Viacom (since, as I've said many times, Vince is under the misapprehension that everything that went wrong with the WWF/WWE since 2000 is Viacom's fault). They are, as we speak aggressively shopping around, and if somebody offers WWE a decent deal to jump, a lot of folks think they will.
   
  I gotta say this: SpikeTV's decision to rebrand is based pretty much on their success with syndicated TV shows, especially "CSI" and "Star Trek," topping all the other "guy crap" they've thrown at the wall the last 3 years. But I've long said that Spike's problem is not that they are a "network for guys," but that they are a "network for dumb guys." And there's a big difference, there. I mean, if you're obsessed with videogames and are likely to sprout wood at the sight of an implausibly-drawn cartoon voiced by Pam Anderson, then pile on, Spike needs you! But otherwise? Meh. It's like they were going out of their way to be so lame and crude that they could alienate women that they ALSO would alienate most average dudes.
   
  I want to draw a parallel in here to WWE's diva hiring practices and how they're missing the point if they think the typical male viewer is dumb enough to care about some useless generic piece of eye candy who contributes nothing to the show. Except that I found out last night that it is apparently *I* who is in the minority here, as witnessed by this Actual Conversation had last night during Heat (as Maria the Mic Stand "interviewed" Shawn Michaels, and interview that consisted of her getting through one sentence, and then Shawn being a Gentleman and ASKING HIMSELF the follow up questions so he could get through the entire interview without getting distracted by poor Maria's tenuous grasp on the English Language):
   
  My Friend: "Oh man, that Maria is HOTT~!"
  Me: "Yeah, but she's hired to be an interviewer, and she can't even complete a full sentence. She has no business on TV."
  My Friend: "Who cares, look at her?"
  Me: "I am. And I am filled with murderous rage that she has a job when Gail Kim and Jazz don't."
  My Friend: "Why, she's hotter than both of them?"
  Me: [sputtering, not believing that it has come to this]
  My Other Friend: "Your Friend is right, she's pretty hot."
  Me: "Jesus, are either of you about to whip your wangs out and start going to town?"
  Both Friends: "No, don't be silly."
  Me: "Thank god. But this means Maria officially serves no purpose. I'll buy you both copies of the Diva Search Magazine for you to spend Quality Private Time with, but don't tell me you really think this bimbo belongs on TV."
  My Friend: "What are you talking about, she's HOTTTT~!"
  Me: [hangs head, gets off couch, and heads toward kitchen to get another beer, wondering if Vince isn't right to make up for a spotty Wrestling Product by trying to trick Guys What Would Rather Go To Strip Clubs into sticking around to ogle TV-PG versions of the same basic caliber of woman]
   
  It should be noted that the initial "My Friend" is the same guy who hosted "Taboo Tuesday," and who spent the entire Costume Battle Royal screaming for Schoolgirl Molly to get eliminated because he found her fatness to be an eyesore, and felt she was taking away valuable Looking Up Stacy's Skirt Time. So maybe I shouldn't be too surprised... at some level, there's an element of personal taste at play here, and I won't for a second try to dictate that to somebody else. But I still think there is also an objective bit of judging to be done here, and I want very badly to be 100% right on that front as it regards WWE's diva hiring practices.
   
  And hey, how's about this? From WWE's TV contract to a Diva Rant, in one smooth segue! It's like you just got two bullet points for the price of one. Again: this is what happens when I don't think ahead very far and just start free associating... by the time I realize I'm rambling off the intended topic, I've usually put too much effort into the ramble to delete it! And a winner is you!
   
  Trying to bring it back around: SD! on UPN is not "officially" cancelled, but it really won't be fitting in with UPN's new network identity, so you really should consider it to be a long-shot to get renewed by UPN. Even within WWE, they acknowledge that the chances of re-upping with UPN are waning. And now, there's another network rebranding (on Spike) that raises some interesting questions about the RAW contract that expires a year sooner (this fall).  Definitely something to keep an eye on in coming weeks....
   
  
• Last week's SD! drew a 3.3 broadcast rating, a drop of a full half-point from the week before... and thus ends SD!'s post-holiday streak of improbably strong numbers.
   
  In a way, it's frustrating that the week in which SD! got back to finishing off a show with something that resembled pro wrestling instead of resembling "One Life to Live," they dropped a half-point. There's two ways to look at that. One is that people were so turned off by the past few weeks that they didn't tune in this week. But the other is that SD! started with the same number of viewers, but lost them over the course of 2 hours because of the absence of the beloved Soap Opera Bullshit. Without seeing some QH data, I can't say for sure.  I just hope it's #1.
   
  At a more base level, the drop coming in the final broadcast before the Rumble PPV signals a serious loss of momentum... I doubt that had any real effect on the final buyrates, but still, this is the part of the year when momentum should be building, not evaporating.
   
  
• There are rumors that WWE has talked to Kevin Sullivan about a possible spot on the creative team. And again, I hate to hedge bets, but this is another one where there's two ways to look at it.
   
  (1) Kevin Sullivan is a wrestling mind with over 3 decades in the business, and plenty of experience handling the creative side of wrestling companies. He is, in short, not some Hollywood jack-off.  Or:
   
  (2) Kevin Sullivan is a wrestling mind with over 3 decades in the business, and plenty of experience sending the creative side of wrestling companies into the crapper. He is, in short, the wrestling mind behind some of WCW's lowest-tide moments of the last decade.
   
  And look: nobody gets it perfect every time, and a lot of what Sullivan was dealing with during period when he was in control at WCW had to do with a lack of infrastructure. He may have tossed out some bad ideas, but even his good ideas were hamstrung by all the other backstage and corporate bullshit that went on in WCW. Still... in the year of our lord 2005, if Kevin Sullivan is the answer, I don't think I want to know the question. Just about the only real reason I could think of his as a good and necessary fit with WWE is because the one thing he proved in WCW was that he had the ability kiss just enough ass and turn out just the barely-adequate level of work to keep his job. And if there's anything WWE loves more than yes-men who'll not the rock the boat and follow instructions as if there's not a damn thing wrong in the world, I don't know what it is!
   
  It just seems like there would be better options for trying to appeal to a more mainstream 18-34 demographic... if you want a guy who can come up with outmoded and un-hip creative ideas, I dare say Jim Cornette could book circles around Kevin Sullivan, anyway. And does anybody know if Sullivan and Benoit have ever made peace over that whole Sullivan's wife leaving him for Benoit thing? 
   
  Note: this is not a done deal, but Sullivan has met with WWE about it, so you never know...
   
  
• Speaking of outmoded and un-hip, I watched "Impact!" again this week under my new "only when pleasantly buzzed" rule in effect. The results were not as good as last week. Then again, I basically think the show was not as good as last week.
   
  For one, when even your most loyal fans (your only loyal fans?), the ones who show up for your TV tapings shit all over your champion like that? Not good. That was not "Boo, I can't wait for you to lose that title, Jeff Jarrett" heat. That was honest to god, "Boo, just shut up and let somebody else come out here and entertain me" heat. It probably doesn't help that the kind of fan who is gung-ho about TNA is probably even LESS likely to be a fan of Kevin Nash, Jarrett's PPV opponent... maybe outside of the "Impact Zone," there are alienated, frustrated ex-wrestling fans from the 90s who tune in and see a fresh product and go "Oh, man, I hope that punk Jarrett gets his ass kicked by Big Sexy."  But that sure wasn't the vibe with the live crowd.
   
  And for two: when the climax of your show is some 50-year-old NASCAR announcer ripping his shirt off, you have serious, SERIOUS problems. Unless your goal was to make me laugh uproariously and for all the wrong reasons in the wee small hours of the morning.  PS: I am not making this up. The NASCAR guy really came to the aid of 3 Live Kru, ripped his shirt off, and scared away the heels as a result. I could laugh because I'm really not that vested in TNA; but help me out, if you're a fan of theirs, was there really any other response to that conclusion other than lowering your head in shame?
   
  
• Many, many observant readers have passed along word that a simple search for new WWE registered trademarks turns up an interesting new one: "ECW One Night Stand."
   
  Does the PPV that doesn't technically even exist yet now have a title? Methinks that's a very good possibility...
   
  
• I think that's about all I got today. And I think it's enough. Remember, RAW Recap tomorrow. Midweek news on Wednesday. If Jeb wasn't yanking my chain, he's got something for Thursday. And I'd be remiss if I didn't also mention that Matt Hocking's Epic "Lord of the Ring" Satire will publish its final two installments this week. Plenty of gOOdness to go around.
   
  So don't be a stranger.