This time, the very top AP headline on my Yahoo page read "Government Panel Opposes Breast Implants." I couldn't help myself: before my logical mind 

And then I clicked, and much like Chris Jericho wasn't being handed over to SD! lo those many months ago, there is no new federal watchdog committee over-seeing boob jobs. There was merely an FDA panel that opposed a specific type of breast implant because of health concerns. Not nearly as fun. 

And with enough white space filled up here at the top, thus ends Unfortunately Phrased Headline Theatre. Let's get on with the show, because I have a feeling this could turn into a long one. Or at least, a pissy one:

• This is gonna be one of those Wednesdays when I say "I don't have a whole lot else to say about RAW that I didn't already say in the Recap."
   
  And unlike most of those Wednesdays, I'm gonna stick pretty close to that promise. Because yesterday's RAW Recap was just about my longest one since a particularly memorable one back in November, which means I covered plenty of territory in it. And because from the feedback (which is the most voluminous and positive since that same November recap), it seems like I don't need to hammer home many of my points. You all "get it" already.
   
  To summarize for the percentage of you who brazenly think that you're too good to read a recap of a show you watched (and I know there's a goodly number of you), I'll just hit these key points:
   
  (1) The convergence of many Diva Factors really got me pissed off. Spaz wins another match, Molly's off the roster, Useless Divas have a REALLY awful backstage skit, and we get the announcement of the 2005 Diva Search, all in one night? Boo.
  
  (2) Just about everything related to Batista vs. HHH was a gigantic whiff. Or maybe I just got my hopes up because they were making a big deal out of Batista's first promo... and then when he got less mic time that Chris Fucking Masters had earlier, I was deeply disappointed. 
   
  (3) Kane and Lita just confused the hell out of me. Until we get some follow up and an idea of what the creative team intended to accomplish, I'll hold my tongue a bit, but this sure seemed like a giant step towards The Suck for a couple that had made its greatest strides with fans in the last 6 months or so when they were acting their most normal and real after last summer's crap.
   
  (4) Benoit/Christian had a good 20 minute match that would have been an even better 15 minute match. And:
   
  (5) On the bright side, Jericho/Shelton is just what the doctor ordered for the IC Title picture, and they delivered their segment in almost the ideal way. Jericho should inch towards heelishness for the next 3 weeks, but remains Mr. Teflon, so nothing he does will really stick, and he can go back to being a babyface after the PPV. 
   
  For TONS more details on what happened Monday night -- and an even greater deluge of my editorial commentary about said happenings -- I encourage you to check out the OO RAW Recap. Like I said: this one's "reviewing well," kids, so even though I didn't really set out to be particularly profound, I'm gonna go ahead and get retroactively proud of this week's number based on all the positive feedback.
   
  NOTE: This endorsement does not apply to you if you liked the 2004 Diva Search or intend to enjoy the 2005 edition. Instead of suggesting you read the Recap, I'll just quickly summarize my suggestion to you that is IN the recap: just go lie down on some railroad tracks, OK? 
   
  Everybody else: enjoy the Recap.
   
  
• The rating for Monday's show: a nice strong 4.0, with a clear upward trend throughout the 2 hour show. The brief 4-minute over-run apparently did a 4.9 rating, which is one of the biggest segment numbers for RAW in a while.
   
  There are two ways to interpret this: the "WWE Way," and the "Right Way."
   
  The WWE Way would have you believe that the strong rating this week and the huge number for the over-run mean that they are doing everything right, that people love the show, and that there's nothing wrong with their handling of the main event feud.
   
  The Right Way would be to realize that a strong rating this week (including the big over-run) merely means that fans are INTERESTED in the idea of Batista vs. HHH. Whether they are SATISFIED with the execution or not? That we won't know until next week and until the buyrates are in for Backlash. 
   
  If a ginormous rating comes next week for HHH vs. Jim Ross, then fine: I'll eat my crow and tell you that WWE are clearly doing the right thing. If they continue down this annoyingly uncreative front with Batista for 2 more weeks, and yet Backlash does a huge number: I'll eat more crow.
   
  But for now: I'm not gonna sit here and act like Monday's rating is proof of anything except that WWE's lucky to have such loyal and patient fans who continue to let themselves get excited about a potentially interesting match/promo/etc., and continue to get disappointed in the end by crap like Batista's 90-second Marketing Department Speech and the announcement of Triple H wrestling an announcer in a match that makes NO sense at all.
   
  It's *my* belief that WWE is rapidly using up the goodwill Batista built up over the past 6 months, and before long, fans will STOP being interested in the prospects of a Batista promo, since he's not been given the chance to deliver a useful one yet. And once they stop being interested in Batista's character (or lack thereof), it's not long before they stop reacting as strongly to his physical, in-match bad-assery, too.
   
  Here's something else I will say on the issue of Batista, too: Matt Hocking took me out back behind the woodshed yesterday for some of my recently-ubiquitous running themes. And one he picked was Batista; it's Matt's belief that Batista hasn't been given an important promo yet because Batista is incapable of delivering a good promo. His exact line to me was that if I really want Batista to get over, I should quit asking WWE to give Batista the stick, and ask them to "keep it as far away from him as humanly possible." Matt also called me "asinine" for continuing to advocate for Batista getting promo time. OMG COLUMNIST WAR~! In case there are any others out there who are gravitating towards this belief, let me make one simple observation.
   
  If -- and this is a big "if," and it's one that I don't particularly see any reason to put any stock into -- Batista is physically incapable of cutting good promos, then how fucking simple would it be to have put together a pre-taped sit-down interview with him? Jim Ross has conducted countless ones of those, and the truth is that Batista got popular because of his strong performance in pre-taped skits over the last 6 months. So it's a no-brainer that he could, even if it takes a whole afternoon to get it down pat, do the same in a sit-down deal with JR. Easy as pie.
   
  Again: what I'm asking for here isn't brain surgery, it's simply the next logical progression of the things Batista was saying and doing all last fall and winter. He was capable of doing those things and doing them so well that we demanded he turn face... I don't get where the evidence exists to suggest that he's sudden incapable of doing the same thing on a slightly larger scale.
   
  The only thing I can figure is that people might somehow blame Batista's two weak promos since turning face on Batista. Instead of on the creative team that sent him out there with crap to say. And who also gave him crap to say in a couple god-awful writer-y skits with Bischoff backstage. I say that we still have not heard Dave Batista say a single word since turning face. We've only heard the creative team's silly ideas for what a Goldberg-esque, one-dimensional "animal" should say. And that's not what any of us want to hear, and I'm willing to bet it's stuff that Batista's not quite comfortable delivering, too. So if there's a problem, maybe there it is.
   
  Well, that and the fact that it is decided UNcool for Batista to wear himself out during his ring entrance to the point that he can't complete a sentence without huffing and puffing. That doesn't help, either.
   
  To bring it all home: if Batista's gonna end up as a failure as a champ (not saying he will, just saying that I get less optimistic with each passing week of mistakes), I'd at least like to see him fail by DOING SOMETHING. You know: exactly like how Randy Orton did. Instead, WWE seems to be setting him up to fail by virtue of never getting the chance to do ANYTHING. Which is more like what they did to Chris Benoit last year.
   
  But oh wait: isn't Chris Benoit another guy who should be kept as far away from a mic as possible? Bullshit on that. A company that gave (and continues to give) Randy Orton live mics on a weekly basis canNOT defend cutting Batista or Benoit short on promo time based on perceived verbal incompetence. You don't have to be The Rock on the stick to be effective... you just have to be delivering material that fits your character and that fans believe in. And maybe that's a key observation: fans BELIEVE in Benoit as a legit bad-ass wrestler, and the way they forcibly turned Batista shows they BELIEVE in him, too. And the one thing I believe is that WWE suffers from some kind of serious tunnel-vision or something to not have a better grasp on how to utilize that genuine fan appeal when it happens to exist. Instead of savvily building on Batista's simple and obvious strengths (as were in evidence all last fall), they're flailing around sending him out to give crap ass promos laden with jungle-related imagery that may or may not someday show up on a t-shirt. They are undermining that appeal, and at some point, the goodwill WILL be used up.
   
  And that is when fans will stop showing up to give Batista 4.9 over-runs. To sort of tangentially get back to what this bullet point was supposed to be a bout.
   
  
• Ready for another rant? Good...
   
  Molly Holly has been released by WWE. In fairness, she asked for the release, it's not like WWE desperately wanted to get rid of her. In fact, many within the company tried to stop Molly from negotiating her release on Monday, but the sad truth is: the ones that realized her value to the company were NOT the ones in any position to convince Molly that things would change if she stuck around. The top guys in talent relations and development didn't say Word One to Molly, and are the ones who helped create the environment in which Molly was no longer happy working to begin with.
   
  So even after an extra day, Molly still finalized her release with WWE on Tuesday, and that's that. She can, I'm sure, find work on the indie circuit or in Japan, or she could even relax and settle down and try to have a semi-normal life for a bit after 5 years of globe-trotting... of course: if she does get back in the ring, she can't be "Molly." I don't even think she can be "Mona" or "Miss Madness" or anything else she used as a ring name in WCW (because all WCW trademarks are now property of WWE). Unless she was using those names BEFORE WCW, which is entirely possible...
   
  I suppose I ought to get one thing out of the way first, before I start in with a rant that I want to be taken seriously: because it's been my long-standing position to proudly proclaim my debilitating Grown-Man-Crush on Molly, and it's not been lost on you folks if the volume of e-mails worried about my mental state are any indication. It's OK, folks, you can take me off suicide watch... but yes, I suppose I have to cop to being fond of Molly. I don't think unreasonably. In a company increasingly over-run by pretty cardboard cut-outs, Molly was still insanely attractive by any standards (or at least by mine, which I guess are the ones that count here in my column) and was ACTUALLY GOOD AT WHAT HER JOB DEMANDED HER TO BE GOOD AT. You idiots can all can stare at that pitiably-dim Maria the Mic Stands boobs all you want, if that distracts you from her total lack of comprehension of the English Language: I'll stand over here, all too easily distracted by things like ability, talent, and possession of an actual personality. Not that I didn't just spend Monday's column being distracted by Molly's boobs, too. So for all my noble talk of her sparkling work ethic and personality traits, the sad truth is that it wouldn't matter if not for the presence of plenty of hotness, too. It's only the combination of all those factors that will result in the extraordinarily rare Rick Crush!
   
  But all that said, let's not forget that I probably exaggerate for effect a bit, too. It's pretty easy to offer up superfluous flattery when you know you'll never be held accountable for any of it! I've never met Molly (although, truth be told, given my meetings with some other divas, that's probably a good thing, since I can still pretend in my imagination that she's as awesome to talk to as to look at and to watch work), I honestly can't even say I'm a big enough fan that if she showed up on TNA next week that I'd suddenly become a bigger fan of that promotion, and I've probably spent a few years ladling it on a little thick. Or at least, I have to assume as much given the tone of the aforementioned e-mails.
   
  Which isn't to say that the "man crush" doesn't come from an honest place... but it is to say that I hope you can set my little track record aside for at least a bit here as I try to make a serious point about WWE's priorities at the present time. 
   
  Because putting the semantics of who instigated the release aside, the core issue here is that WWE has created the environment that made Molly's release a reality. And they did it be making decisions that have no worldly basis in logic or good sense.  
   
  Bottom line: WWE is a wrestling company. They need WRESTLERS. You can say "sports entertainers" if you want, whatever... in my parlance, "Sports Entertainer" and "Wrestler," if used synonymously, still include a requisite amount of in-ring ability, but also the other attributes like personality and charisma. Molly was a wrestler. She was probably an in-ring talent first, but you can't deny that she had the other abilities, too. I'm not even talking about just giving the snooty heel promos (like the quality one she cut on Stacy last fall)... I'm talking about a genuinely unique and realistic personality that made her valuable from a storyline perspective, too.
   
  I'm serious: this is analogous with my Batista ranting... it's not a question of Molly's ability to deliver material, it's the absence of good material that hamstrung her. If WWE had ever made it a priority to "write for" Molly (and at the very least, they really should have after WMXX and the head-shaving), she'd have hit the ball out of the park. Don't believe me? Then quick: after last year's Love Rhombus, what has been the only other really good wrestling love story of the last 5 years? Molly and Spike Dudley. In fact, it's the only other even-vaguely tolerable one. And it's proof that with a concerted creative effort, Molly's got the chops to contribute substantially to the product, and NOT just inside the ring.
   
  That said: is Molly Holly ever going to headline a WWE wrestling show? No. I know that. Her profitability to the company has limited upside. But getting back to my point about WWE being a WRESTLING company: a wrestling company isn't stocked by all present and future main eventers. There is this expansive mid-card region where you want to stock up on talented, versatile performers who might never become worldwide household names, but who can entertain an audience.
   
  That's exactly what Molly was... in a women's division which, itself, is a staple of the mid-card and which has periodically proven its value by leaping into main event status (like last year's Trish/Lita RAW main event), Molly was one of an increasingly rare breed of women who can keep the division a going-concern. 
   
  I know there are some morons out there who opine that they just don't see the point of women's wrestling, anyway, that it's like the WNBA and there's a reason why nobody watches the WNBA... but they miss the point: this isn't a legitimate sporting exhibition, it's freaking ENTERTAINMENT, and if you can find women who are talented in the ring and personable/interesting on the mic, it's an obvious slam dunk to have them be an important part of the vast, underpopulated mid-card. Then again: maybe this is just me and my fetish for women who, in addition to looking good, are also GOOD AT SOMETHING (besides standing around, letting cameramen shoot up her skirt when she steps into a ring, or shooting off a t-shirt gun). Me, I am a fan of equality to an extreme degree, to the point where it might actually be a negative quality: so every time I rail against Orton or Chris Masters being on my TV because they look good despite being massively undertalented, the flip side of that coin is that what I want on my TV is ability and competence, and I don't care what your gender. I don't think a properly staffed women's division is at any inherent disadvantage when it comes to an ability to entertain a TV audience. It's all in picking the right talents and then giving them the right material, and then BAM, you got yourself 10 minutes a week you can bank on, and I can stuff it in the face of every idiotic chair-moistener who think women can only be window dressing in wrestling.
   
  And going back to the "equality" thing, if I may tangentialize: a guy like Matt Hardy is the perfect male analogy to Molly's situation. Molly importance and value came from her versatility (to be a heel or a face, to deliver the goods in the ring AND be able to be a useful personality outside of it, to carry a division on her shoulders when asked or to make others around her look awesome)... and Matt does the same thing: he might not have as much upside as other guys, but you'll have a real hard time finding a guy who can night-in and night-out get in the ring and be as good as he is, who can work heel or face, singles or tag team, who can do enough on the mic to keep fans interested, who could carry a secondary title, or who could periodically step back and be used to help make somebody else look good.
   
  I cannot overstate how important I think it is to have people like this on the roster. It's as if WWE has this hard-on for finding the next big thing, and as a result, have forgotten that you can really only have 5-6 "big things" on the roster at any given time. The meat of the show is carried by the rank and file, and if you want the show to be good, you want talented, versatile performers. Not one-dimensional wastes of space like Snitsky, Heidenreich, or Chris Masters.
   
  Making matters worse is that as of late, WWE's apparent concept of the "next big thing" is so far out of whack so as to be HUGELY annoying. WWE is selling sizzle, now. If you look the way a top cadre of WWE officials feel a wrestler should look, you're gonna be fast-tracked. If you're big, if you're a bodybuilder, then that's all it takes. It's stupid. I think we all know where the bodybuilder fetish takes root in WWE, and I think we know it's always been there.... but it sure seems like style over substance hasn't been THIS big a problem in WWE since back before the shift to Bret Hart as champ 12 years ago (which, ironically enough, came because the WWF was under investigation and didn't want any body-builder types on the roster making them look suspicious). 
   
  I'm not insisting on a roster full of shirtless Roseys or anything... I think we can all agree on there being value in being "TV Pretty." But I'd also hope that we could all agree on the stupidity of building a roster that LOOKS a certain way instead of a roster that PERFORMS a certain way. Anything that happens to qualify as a bit of Eye Candy -- be it for the gents or for the ladies, although I've yet to meet any girl who finds anything non-gross about the idea of two dudes locked in a display of possible homo-eroticism, whereas us guys are lucky that the good lord made it so that two chicks rolling around is a natural and beautiful thing! -- is a bonus. It's not the reason wrestling exists. The WRESTLING is the reason wrestling exists.
   
  Another thing: on the male side of the roster, the size and bodybuilder thing are the defining traits of a wrestler with "upside" in "WWE Think." But on the women's side, it's more clear than ever that the Holy Grail of Being a Diva is appearing in magazines and DVDs, because that's where the company can make money of the women. But again, THAT IS ANCILLARY. WWE is a wrestling company first, and a publications/home video company second. And a pimping-their-women-out-to-Playboy company third. And holding god-awful Diva Searches so as to keep a full stock of these mostly-useless bimbos around for crappily-acted backstage skits and boo-inducing in-ring segments. It's terribly frustrating to sit around and watch as WWE makes the decisions to release talented women and the decisions that drive others to ask for their releases. It's even more frustrating that WWE's new policy doesn't seem to care about how these things play off on the WRESTLING SHOW, as long as they can still sell a few magazines or whatever. Which is so ass-backwards I can't even begin to fathom a concise way of making fun of it.
   
  Even the argument that having a slew of Useless Divas around to look good so long as they're willing to appear in Playboy because it's "good for business," falls apart pretty easily. Depending on which source I believe, the sales for Spaz's Playboy range from "mildly" to "extremely" disappointing. Why? Not because Spaz is any more or less attractive than any previous WWE woman who's disrobed... but because she's not a WRESTLER. Even Torrie Wilson (who may not be Rey Mysterio in the ring) had years of service and was a popular part of the show... Spaz wasn't, and that's why her magazine sold poorly and why (I'm not making this up, read the Recap) there are some boos surfacing for her at TV tapings. It's why every single Diva Search segment was met with even more vociferous boos last year, why most attempted T&A segments end with disgruntled fans, and why Diva Search 2005 is a failure in my book before it even begins. Fans know what they want on their wrestling show, and it's WRESTLERS.
   
  Not necessarily wrestlers who are gonna turn into the next Hulk Hogan, but wrestlers who are good at what they do and keep us entertained with their abilities in the ring and on the stick. Wrestlers who will keep the mid-card stocked with veteran talent so that WWE is free to keep prospects down in OVW until they are actually capable of performing at a Big Leauge Level (why yes, Chris Masters, I'm talking about you). Wrestlers who get by on BEING good, instead of just LOOKING good.
   
  Wrestlers like Molly Holly. And like Matt Hardy, obviously, as outlined above.
   
  Who should be upset about Molly being essentially squeezed out of a job? Any wrestling fan who desires a women's wrestling division that isn't a worthless joke. Victoria should be pissed because now, except for weeks when Trish goes out on the road, she has nobody to work house shows with. Trish should be pissed because she now only has one dance partner she can trust to have an actual match with, at least until Lita gets back. Spaz should be pissed because she stood to learn the most from Molly (who served another role as a semi-trainer for WWE, and who would also, for better or for worse, probably have been the one to draw Spaz Duty once her storyline with Trish is over). And WWE's own top level talent relations folks should be pissed that this is a mess of their own making, and that it didn't have to be if they'd quit trying to craft a roster in their own retarded image.
   
  Not every wrestler has to look a certain way, or have a certain amount of perceived "upside" to be a valuable performer. On any show where Chris Masters can reasonably be called a mid-card performer, you need to overhaul the roster so that talented, versatile veterans are valued so that they will stick around and help fill gaping voids where you're plugging in style over substance. SmackDown! had a HUGE problem with this last year as they tried to introduce and over-push a TON of new characters fresh from OVW and they STILL have a major league black hole for a mid-card that sucks some of the sizzle away from other aspects of the show. I mean, c'mon? Orlando Jordan is a US Champ? Not buying it.
   
  On RAW, the women's division helps keep the mid-card stocked, but it's now a division of 2 women, 1 cripple, and 1 Spaz. Prospects look grim. And again: even if you don't care about women's wrestling, the case of Matt Hardy is an instructive one for the basic theory I'm espousing. But Matt never once made me think any filthy thoughts, so I'm making this mostly about Molly, and how her willing dismissal is an indictment on WWE valuing ALL the wrong priorities at this point. If they really were a WRESTLING company and were thinking like one, I doubt any of these problems would exist.
   
  But hell, what should we expect from a company that almost seems ashamed of the word "wrestling" and is more interested in doing things like founding Football Leagues and making shitty movies? I guess, no matter how valid my points may be, they'll probably fall on only the deafest of ears...
   
  So that's my long-winded Farewell to Molly and Why It Sucks For More Reasons Than You Probably Thought I'd Say It Sucked For. This really is more about something that's dumb for business, instead of something that's is only annoying to me because of my man-crush. Although that said, if Molly Holly needs a shoulder to cry on or a website where she could give a killer bridge-burning interview that would be MC'ed by a kindred spirit and read by plenty of sympathetic folks, I'm here, baby!
   
  Although maybe OO's not necessarily the best place in the world for Molly... afterall: it was just Monday when I busted out a spiffy new pic of her for the front page, and it was Tuesday morning that she was gone. I hope I didn't somehow curse anything....  although.... if I DO have the power of jinxing careers, perhaps I should bust out a picture of Chris Masters sometime? No? Nobody wants to look at that beady mug of his? OK... no more attempted vOOdOO from me...
   
  
• Also released (rather quietly) this week was Jesus H. Kidneypuncher. D'oh. Apparently WWE waited until he was mostly healed from his neck injury and then cut him loose.
   
  Although I must now wonder if the Canadian Bulldog could now re-open negotiations with Jesus, without that meddling The E getting in the way!
   
  I think former ECW star Chilly Willy was also cut from his WWE developmental deal. Still, nothing nearly as annoying as the losses of Matt and Molly (and, to a slightly lesser extent, Rhyno).
   
  
• Dammit, there's a few other tiny news-y things I should do here today, but I'm running late, and if I want this posted before 6pm, I need to wrap it up. Hey, maybe I shorted you on the news, but you still got lots of words out of me!
   
  And this way, maybe I'll have some stuff to make Friday's column a little bit more robust than the usual... or maybe I'll forget all this stuff, and I won't remember to bring it up until weeks later if/when it ever becomes pertinent to anything. You just never know with me!
   
  Catch you later, kids...