Or rather, time to be your Knight In Shining Kaientai Apparel by supplying the pinch-hit SmackDown! Recap for the beset-by-technical-difficulties Big Danny T.  
 

In this case, that fluffery takes the form of last night's

But the punchline to the joke was "So, as you can see, the brains of heterosexual males respond chemically to the scent of the female pheromones, while the brains of gay males respond to the scene of the male pheromones." A pause. "And no members of either gender, regardless of orientation, respond to the scent of TAG brand bodyspray."

God bless you, Stewart. For I do respond exclusively to the female pheromones, but if I didn't, I could probably bring myself to play pitcher to your catcher, you magnificent bastard. Then again, maybe I had just seen an absolutely RETARDED new "TAG Brand Bodyspray" ad during the Reds game tonight, and it made me want to come up with some excuse to mock the metrosexual douches who wear it and the vapid morons who could actually be attracted to them solely as a result of something so arbitrarily pointless. And the, by the end of the night: I didn't even have to come up with my own joke.

The Daily Show took care of it for me. Now *that*, my friends, is quality TV.

Here's a column in two parts: first, the not-quite-Rick-caliber SD! Recap, and then a couple quick news items. Enjoy...

SMACKDOWN! RECAP: The Revenge of the Suck

Video Package: Eddie Guerrero did nasty things to Rey Mysterio last week.

Opening Theme/Pyro/Etc., and we are not live in Reading, PA. Or is it Redding? I think it's Reading. Because I'm pretty sure Redding is the way they spell the one in California, right? And hey, like I said: I don't remember too much in the way of match play-by-play, so it's crap like this where I get to expound at length... and while I'm blathering, Cole and Tazz are welcoming us to a show that will feature a big Kurt Angle vs. Booker T main event, and also the Big Show on Carlito's Cabana. Yippee?

"Why, Eddie, Why?": The Very Special Homage to Undertaker Edition

Eddie Guerrero comes out with (a) a slight remix of his entrance theme that is decidedly less peppy and (b) no low-rider. Nice decisions on both fronts to limit knee-jerk babyface reactions.

And then Eddie gets in the ring, sets up a steel chair, and gestures (Broadly), resulting in some Spooky Lighting. Dammit, WWE, the subtle effects of the new music and no low-rider are GOOD ways to subconsciously reinforce Eddie's heelishness; but giving Eddie the Power of the Undertaker to command Spooky Lights? Retarded and unnecessary to the extreme. I don't need to be slapped in the face like this, and neither does the 80% of your audience that is more intelligent that Stephanie's pet puppydog, Lucy.

But I guess I'm just supposed to get over that minor annoyance, because when Eddie starts speaking, he tries mightily to be the biggest asshole in the history of time and space. Very intense and well delivered despite the cheesy over-staging. He starts out by explaining that he didn't want to do what he did last week: Rey made him do it. Because for months, Rey has been leeching his energy, stealing his Latino Heat. OK, so this was kind of a cheesy bit too: this isn't Austin Powers 2, dammit...

But time travel will not be required for Eddie to regain his Latino Heat, because he got it all back last week when he cut himself free from Rey. And from all the idiot fans who have also been leeching his Latino Heat. Eddie then notes that although he didn't WANT to do what he did to Rey, now that it is done, he has a secret to share: he LIKES what he's feeling. He's got ALL his Latino Heat back, and he's his old self again. And nobody, not Rey or the fans or anybody, is gonna take that feeling away from him.

So with that in mind, Eddie closes with a threat: he says that he hears Rey may try to show up at Judgment Day to get revenge on Eddie. But Eddie warns against that. He actually pulls out Rey's bloody mask from last week and almost starts talking to it. Eddie says that for the good of his children, Rey should just stay away. Because Eddie won't hesitate to do horrible things to their daddy: "I've already got your blood on my hands, Rey. If you show up at Judgment Day, I'll have your life." Zing.

Eddie leaves the darkened ring having, for the most part, overcome the cheesiness of the staging with his intensity. But still: there were mild "Eddie" chants and about 10 percent cheers for everything he said, no matter how diabolical-sounding. I guess some people just don't want to boo Eddie...

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Heidenreich vs. Spike Dudley

Ugh. Before the match, Heidenreich reveals that Spike refused to be his friend, which is why they must fight tonight. But Heidenreich still wants to make a new friend today, so he asks the audience if anybody wants to be his friend. Some little kid gets picked, and sweet fucking christ, it's 1987 all over again. Heidenreich reads the kid a poem about their new friendship, and proceeds to let him be in his corner for the match. 

A match, by the way, which is just a massive waste of Spike Dudley's time and talents. Pummel, pummel, pummel, Spike cheats to get a brief advantage and then for no discernable reason goes out to threaten the kid, so Heidenreich gets pissed off and pummels some more until Spike is squashed in less than 2 minutes. I think he's still using the spinning side slam as a finisher, but just between you and me, this was a part where I was FF'ing.

After the match, Heidenreich and his new friend celebrate, and Heidenreich actually gives him the poem (which he had stored in his tights) to the kid. Ew. Given Heidenreich's Cole-boning past and his newfound affinity for little boys, I'm having to repress about a billion Michael Jackson jokes, here. It's for the best: Heidenreich does not deserve The Rick's A-Game....

Backstage: Booker is warming up, when in walks his wife Sharmell. She gives him a little pep talk, and Booker promises to take care of Kurt Angle later tonight. But first, there's something he wants to take care of right now: some enthusiastic grab-ass with his woman. Sharmell is all too happy to play along. But just when Booker decides he's had enough and it's time to focus on business again, Sharmell announces she wants some more smooching. That little minx. This was fun and kinda cute in exactly the way that any attempted romantic interaction featuring Randy Orton has never been.

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Backstage: Chavo Guerrero is hanging out with MNM. First, all four put over Uncle Eddie's newfound intensity. And then, they start laying the badmouth on Paul London, who challenged them to a six-man tag match, and STILL hasn't found his two partners. They are quite confident they will kick London's ass as well as those of whoever he scrounges up.

Elsewhere Backstage: Josh Mathews interviews Kurt Angle. Angle, in a nice touch, remembers that he once kicked the shit out of Josh for being an awful interviewer, and threatens him with that memory. But from there, it's Total Crap: because all of a sudden, Kurt starts stammering and kind of shaking as he reveals, "Booker, I want to have sex with your wife." Well, OK, Kurt, that's good to know, but there are certain things that those of us trying to maintain a civil society tend to keep to ourselves. But it gets worse: he doesn't just want to have any kind of sex with Sharmell. He wants to have the hot, sweaty, monkey sex with her. He wants to violate her in ways she's never been violated before. And then, just because The Idiots On The Creative Team want to ensure that for the first time in AGES I, one of Kurt Angle's biggest fans, have absolutely no interest in a Kurt Angle storyline, they hit the big finish: the camera has been slowly zooming in to an "above the waist" shot, and as Kurt hits his big finish about the perverse, deviant sex acts he wants to perform, he gives us a Vaguely Orgasmic Face and a little groan. Goddammit, "Ruck Fules" gets blurred out, but this shit is allowed on TV? But you know what: it's not even that I'm offended by Kurt's desire for adultery, it's just that I think it's retarded and out of character. Even if they had revealed later on that Kurt just said this stuff to piss off Booker and put him off his game (they didn't, and instead re-affirmed that Kurt indeed would like to fuck the living daylights out of Mrs. T), it's dumb and not a realistic/compelling story. It's so out of character for Kurt that the only sensible response from Booker and Sharmell would have been for them to laugh uproariously at Angle's nearly-orgasmic promo. "You want to fuck my wife? Well, sorry, Potsie, you can't. End of story. Also: your simulated climax was much, much funnier and in-context in the WM21 movie spoof you did." Awful: and it'd only get awfuler.

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MNM and Chavo Guerrero vs. Paul London, Charlie Haas, and Bob Holly

Ummm, this was decent enough, I guess; but on picture-in-picture, the Reds were having a big inning, so I wasn't paying close attention. I know that Charlie Haas became the Face in Peril (I'll say this one more time, WWE: if Haas doesn't go over to RAW to feud with Shelton, you're getting another black mark from The Rick; he's even a guy who I think might be a good fit if you want to revamp Evolution, and unlike most of your other pretty boys, can actually wrestle). Hot tag to Bob Holly, who mustered all his power of miserable bastardity to hit about 3 moves before getting into trouble. So Paul London blind-tagged himself in and HE got to be the house afire. He took out MNM with his usual goodness, and then when Chavo tried to sneak up on him and hit him with a Gory Bomb, London reversed out of that into a pinning combo. But Chavo re-reversed the pinning combo, put his feet on the ropes, and got the cheap pinfall victory. I'm assuming this means London/Chavo at the PPV, too? And with my luck, also MNM vs. Haas/Holly?

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Velocity Invades SmackDown! Theatre

JBL comes on down to the ring for a little talking. Which is OK, since it beats the hell out of him wrestling. He teases fans by talking up a newly released phenomenon that is taking the nation by storm, but sho 'nuff it's NOT John Cena's new album. Instead, it's the paperback release of his investing book from last year. Whee. "Best book since the Bible" opines JBL, which is NOT the kind of blasphemy that an obnoxious right-wing should be espousing, but whatever.

JBL confirms that the "I Quit" match is on, per the orders of Teddy Long, and then launches into a VERY intense diatribe about all the punishment he's taken over the past year (courtesy of Eddie, Taker, and Big Show) and that he's "sweat gallons and bled buckets," but the words "I Quit" never crossed his mind. So, he extrapolates, John Cena is in for a rude awakening at Judgment Day if he thinks JBL is a quitter. JBL even issues another of his "guarantees"... but not that he'll win the match: that he'll make John Cena bleed. Okeydoke.

But just as JBL seems to be wrapping up with a spiel about the title coming back to him and Cena's 15 minutes being up, here comes Mr. 14th-Minute himself to interrupt! Cena pauses, allowing JBL to taunt him ("You gonna make some more of your unfunny jokes?") but Cena's here to fight, not talk (which is probably for the best for him). Cena sprints to the ring and tackles JBL: but JBL apparently had planned for this, and Orlando Jordan and the Bashams are out in a flash to lend a hand. The 4-on-1 is not as one-sided as you might think, though, as Cena's a scrappy one.

But we cannot have chaos like this on network television: so the entire Cast of Velocity comes on out to break it up. Nice to see you guys. After a few teases, they mighty cruiserweights finally get Cena and JBL pulled apart for good.

JBL's promo was spot-on for his character, and keeping Cena mute meant he didn't say anything to annoy half the audience, so I guess this was OK.... but in its laziness and predictability, it once again sure seemed like SD! is intentionally making this feud the #2 match at the PPV, behind the much more intense Eddie/Rey feud.

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Eddie Guerrero vs. Some Guy

Hey, I like Eddie, but I don't watch wrestling for squash matches. FF is my friend. Seemed like about 2 minutes worth of squash, and then Eddie pulled out Rey's bloody mask again and put it on Some Guy's head. At which point, Eddie went berzerk and kicked the crap out of Some Guy even harder. But when Eddie grabbed a chair and used it, the ref had no choice but to call for the bell. Hey, Some Guy wins! After the match, Eddie punctuated the sentence with a brainbuster onto the steel chair for Some Guy. Eddie: your loser in the match, but at least he's still standing.

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PPV Line-up Hype: I FF'ed.

John Cena's Video: It was very amusing once. It was still pretty funny on Monday. But on the third go-round? I FF'ed. But I did realize what it is about the "Bad Bad Man" track that is so underwhelming: no fucking dynamics. One damned beat/groove for the whole song with nary a fill or a bridge or anything. It's like the less-catchy version of that one silly MC 900 Ft. Jesus track; I think it was called "If I Only Had a Brain," and remember that Beavis sure enjoyed it. And godfuckingdammit, now I've got it stuck in *my* head, too. The lesson for John Cena: until you can trump mid-90s novelty tracks, your song will not get stuck in anybody's head. Keep working at it, junior!

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Matt Morgan vs. Funaki

Before the match, Morgan stuttered his way through making fun of how Funaki talks. Oh, the ironing. So Funaki got pissed off and poked Morgan in the eye to start the match. Bad idea: big boot, slingshot whiplash, and then Morgan's sweet finisher, and this one was over in less than 60 seconds. Morgan continues to look good. But one of these days, his finisher is gonna need a name if he's gonna latch on with fans. To assist, WWE, here are a few names they should NOT consider: the Mattitude Adjustment, the Speech Impediment, or the Stutter Step.

Backstage: Sharmell is appalled at the things she's apparently doing in Kurt Angle's filthy imagination, and Booker is very angry. So Booker tells Sharmell that she can't come to ringside for his match later tonight, cuz she'll be safer here in the dressing room. You can see where this is going, can't you? Can't you? If not, you're as retarded as those who wrote this crap....

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Carlito's Cabana: The INCONCEIVABLE Happens

Making good on his promise from last week, Carlito does, indeed, have the Big Show as a guest. Because big things happen on the Cabana, so who better than the biggest guest in WWE?

Show comes out, and Carlito is in awe of his bigness. He puts Show over in a way that is just a little TOO friendly. So Show is appropriately suspicious. And when Carlito gets to his "offer Big Show can't refuse," that suspicion is proven justifiable. Because Carlito wants Big Show to become Carlito's bodyguard.

Show says he plays Second Banana to no one. And Carlito is apparently confused by the colloquialism, as he retorts, "Bananas? What bananas? We do apples here." Ha. But eventually the point is made that Big Show is a huge superstar who has held titles and headlined PPVs and he doesn't need to be anybody's bodyguard.

Carlito begs to differ, though: because he's got footage of WrestleMania, in which Big Show not only waxed his ass and wore a diaper, but where he was defeated by "that Ake-whatever Guy." Big Show is growing less amused by the instant, but Carlito says, "Looking at where your career's at, you need me just as much as I need you." But Big Show still refuses.

Which leaves Carlito no choice but to dig an apple out of his pocket and say, "That's not very cool." But Show's no dummy: as soon as the apple and proclamation of non-coolness appear, he grabs Carlito by the throat and steals the apple. And then bites into it. And then almost immediately collapses.

Carlito, who has apparently been studying his "Princess Bride" (both for tips on poisoning and for felling giants), is quite pleased with his handiwork, and quips that "It only takes one bad apple to spoil the bunch," before starting to put the loafers to Big Show. He peppers in a few bitchslaps, too, while Show writhes in pain. Finally, Carlito's had enough of humiliating Show, so he grabs an unpoisoned apple, and enjoys it on his way out of the ring. Pretty neat little segment, and it'll set us up for Carlito vs. Big Show at the PPV (and also introduces us to the notion that Carlito is looking for a bodyguard, who could possibly show up at the PPV to lend an assist and give Carlito a win to keep this feud simmering).

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Booker T vs. Kurt Angle

When they start a main event with only about 5 minutes left to go in the show, you know something sketchy is afoot. And again: if you didn't piece this crap together in your head before it actually happened, I am quite sorry for you and hope that you graduate the third grade one of these days.

Match is jumpstarted by Booker, who just assaults Kurt for about 90 seconds. You know, this sort of reaction is something that you should do if Kurt told you he ALREADY had the hot, sweaty monkey sex with your wife. Not the sort of reaction that one would have to finding out that you have a wife so hot that other men can't help but think dirty thoughts about them. But whatever. I guess Booker's a member of some church that believes that it's still adultery, even if it's only committed in the imagination, instead of with the wang.

Booker's onslaught was so intense, that he refused to break in the ropes, which meant the ref had to step in and try to pry Booker off. And that was all the opening Angle needed to land a cheapshot and take over. And by "take over," I of course mean, "go immediately into a chinlock, because we don't have time for anything else, so let's just set-up Booker's fire-up." Booker obliges, and all of about 3 minutes into this match, we are in End Game with back-and-forthy spots and near falls. 

Booker seems to be nominally in control and is going for the scissors kick, but Angle counters that smoothly into an Angle Slam. And then: The Suck! Instead of pinning Booker, Angle leaves the ring. We stay in the arena long enough to see the ref count out Angle, so Booker wins (no more than 5 minutes, and absolutely nothing memorable here). But Booker has also realized where Kurt must be heading, as he slowly comes to his senses. So he gives chase.

And conveniently enough, a camera picks up Angle backstage, as he finds Booker's dressing room and barges in to find Sharmell (who is apparently NOT as smart a broad as she's seemed in past weeks if she just hung around waiting for Kurt to arrive at his bludgeoningly obvious destination). Kurt deviously closes the door, and Sharmell starts screaming. Booker arrives about 5 seconds later and wastes no time going in.... where he finds Sharmell cowering on a couch.

But that's because Angle is behind him, and attacks. He beats the shit out of Booker for a minute or so, while Sharmell shrieks in the background (does she come with a volume knob? if so, let's dial it down to about 4 next time, OK?). While Kurt is continuing the assault (destroying furniture with Booker's increasingly-lifeless carcass), he's also continuing to make sure that we know he wants to bang Booker's wife. Now see: if this whole thing had just been a trap to beat the crap out of Booker, it'd have been almost (but not qutie) tolerable. But once Kurt accomplishes that crap-kicking-out-of and he STILL won't shut up about laying with Mrs. T (in the biblical sense), you've lost me. And remember: I'm a huge Kurt Angle fan, so it takes some real fucking idiocy for me to cease caring about one of his feuds. Way to be, morons. And way to be on a week where I get stuck having to do the recap, too: thanks for nothing. Not a fun show, at all.

FRIDAY NEWSBITES: Some Dumb Headline Here

• Last night's SD! did a 3.1 broadcast rating, continuing SD!'s trend of sub-par performances. In this case, a show built around a main event predicated on Kurt Angle's horniness probably got what it deserved.
   
  
• More on Luther Reigns: it turns out he actually asked for his release from WWE. But his reason why was actually tied to exactly what we talked about in Wednesday's OO: because of WWE's "age-ism," Luther knew that his prospects for making it big in a company that is emphasizing youth were growing slimmer with each passing day. So he asked to be released so he could focus his energies on real estate and make sure he'll be financially set *that* way, instead of by continuing to chip away at a wrestling career that might not ever click.
   
  
• Many have written in to say that WWE has set up an ECW Website, which is the start of their promotion for the One Night Stand PPV... although it's set up within the WWE.com standard template (which I personally don't care for, but whatever), there's a ton of cool stuff in there, including a detailed history of every ECW PPV.
   
  It doesn't necessarily do anything to tell us what to expect at the reunion PPV, but for fans who aren't as familiar with ECW history, it's a way to familiarize them with the personalities. This, along with the magazine/program that'll be released later this month, are expected to be the biggest chuck of hype that WWE does for the show, as they expect it'll "sell itself" to a large degree, even in the absence of an announced card.
   
  Of course, they also seem to be setting the stage for a little tussle on RAW, where RAW GM Eric Bischoff is none-too-pleased that Paul Heyman's buying advertising on his show. I don't see that as necessarily leading to much more than ADDITIONAL paid advertisements, but wouldn't it be kinda cool if this ended up with Bischoff making an appearance on the ECW PPV for some form of Ritual Humiliation? The way he's portrayed on the "Rise and Fall of ECW" DVD, I'm pretty confident that fans would eat that up.
   
  Again: tickets go on sale tomorrow morning at 10am, through TicketBastard. But you probably shouldn't even bother: the 2500 (or so) tix will probably all be gone within minutes. Good luck to those of you who will make the effort, though...
   
  
• As if Jim Ross hasn't been through enough the past decade, there are now reports that he's been suffering vision problems for the past several weeks, going back to his match against Triple H. He's quietly worked through it, assuming they'd clear up on their own, but they haven't.
   
  He'll finally be checked out by a specialist (or may already have been check out this week, not sure), and here's hoping that there's no serious problems. Partly because the world's not ready for 2 hours of The Coach every Monday, but mostly just because it'd be nice for JR to get some relatively positive health news for once.
   
  Only the fact that I am NOT a giant, self-serving assclown prevents me from making a snide remark about how this is yet another good reason to have not done the HHH/JR match, which sure as hell seemed like a dumb idea at the time, and is now having negative ramifications that none of us could have imagined, to boot.
   
  
• I actually think that's about all I got for today. Again: I hadn't planned on doing ANYthing, so consider this entire document a Very Special Bonus for you Loyal Readers.
   
  There's the expanded TNA PPV Preview for you to check out, anyway. And the final finale of Matt's LotR Satire, too! With all that gOOdness, I don't feel compelled to strain myself too badly. Not when there's a weekend ahead of me, and an NBA Playoff Game starting in just about half an hour!
   
  Enjoy yourselves, kids, and I'll see you again on Monday.