When it came back, well, let's just say the boozening for the Pacers Game (Reggie Miller's Farewell) had begun, and I had no desire to stick around here drudging up something that passed for a column. So I just kinda said "Fuck it," and went about my business without doing an update. 
 

news is a bit slim these days. I think, if I had done a column, I would had to have stretched the following two dubious news items into 2500 words:

• SmackDown! is being moved to Friday nights this fall by UPN. I know from e-mail that this has bunched numerous panties, but that's only because you're all idiots. Is Friday a bad night for TV? Yes. Do some industry trades call Friday nights the "death slot"? Sure. But none of that applies to wrestling, and if you used your heads, you'd know it. For the same reason that wrestling's audience never rubs off on any shows around it, wrestling's audience will follow it wherever it goes. There will be a nominal, at best, impact on SD!'s ratings because of this move. I'll have more to say about this on Monday, but as long as you're not so retarded that you can't operate a VCR, this is a gigantic non-story.

• TNA signed both AJ Styles and Chris Daniels to 3-year contract extensions this week. This is theoretically good news, and hopefully means that SOMEthing will be announced soon regarding TNA's TV situation, since they've only got a little over a month to get that sorted out. But realistically: these "3-year" contracts are only enforceable if TNA has a national TV deal in place for those full 3-years, and I think we all know my own personal opinions on that matter. TNA's next TV deal won't be guaranteed for any more than 1 year, which means that Styles and Daniels are only guaranteed for 1 year. Beyond that, it's up to TNA to perform and deliver ratings if they want to hold onto this pair. This news item basically amounts to "If we still have a TV show for 3 years, Styles and Daniels will be ours that whole time." Which they probably would have been, anyway; Styles has already turned down WWE overtures, and Daniels actually spent some time in the WWE system (albeit only as a WCW holdover who was released as quickly as possible, as I recall) and was happy to get out. Again: the way the contracts are structured makes this seem to me to be a non-story, just a maintaining of the status quo, really.

But you know how I loves me talking about non-stories, since it makes me look wiser and more cynical if I tell you about a story and then claim that I don't care about it enough to tell you about it. Or something. Sometimes, I can't even figure out my own logic.

You get the idea, though: the above two bullet points would have been the entirety of any Thursday column I wrote. Because if you think THOSE are non-stories, then you don't even want to know what I'm leaving out.

At least today, we have something to talk about! A pay-per-view! Except that, dammit, this one sure doesn't inspire me to be on my A-game, either. Seven announced matches, and other than Eddie/Rey, I can't say as that anything on tap for Judgment Day puts me in the mind of "worth $35." In 2 or 3 cases, it's so bad that I find myself wondering if it's even worth 3 hours of my time. But I'm sure come Sunday, duty will win out, and I'll be in front of a TV somewhere watching this thing.

Somebody check me: I was talking about this a few nights ago, but I couldn't be sure.... was it Judgment Day last year where the line-up was so bad that I went on tilt and did the "Ghost of Andy Kaufman" match and all that other silliness to try to make the PPV Preview tolerable? Because if so, then I hope this isn't the start of an Annual Tradition of Suck for WWE.

Then again: unlike the line-up that inspired my insubordination last year, this one isn't flamboyantly bad to the point that it makes me want to lampoon it. It's just kinda boring. It makes me want to ignore it. I don't know which is worse.

Whatever the case, I have assembled the trOOps to half-heartedly breakdown the entire Judgment Day card. Sometimes we do it out of love, sometimes we do it out of obligation. I get the impression that I'm not the only one in the latter category this month. But that said, no matter WHY we do it, the simple fact is that when we do it, nobody does it better than OO!

So let's take a look at the 7-match card for Sunday's Judgment Day... I think you'll find that among us, we hit all the key angles, and will leave you fully prepared out the weekend's PPV event.
 

JOHN CENA vs. JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD
WWE Title Match / "I Quit" Rules

Well. This one wasn't exactly setting the world on fire 7 weeks ago at WrestleMania. And it hasn't exactly made any huge quantum leaps forward in the interim.

The short version: 

John Cena is a Regular Guy who Fights For All Of Us because he Keeps It Real. Word. Dawg. 

JBL is a Rich Guy who Only Cares About Money and is Better Than All Of Us.

So of course, it makes perfect sense that they must fight, right? Well, maybe in 1985 it did.... but here in 2005, this is a flimsy premise, at best. Making matters worse: Cena's "I fight for all of you"/Chain Gang promos are some of the most embarrassingly pandering drivel I've ever seen. And judging by undercurrents of boos, I'm not the only one who doesn't see a single "real" thing about the rich white kid from suburban Boston pretending to be street so he can fight against a one-time cigar-chomping barroom brawler who decided to start wearing suits.

Call this feud the Wigger vs. the Reformed Redneck. Because no matter what you call it, you can't make it any less enthralling than it already is.

So that was the archetypical storyline heading into WM21, where Cena took the WWE Title from JBL in a crappy 10-minute match that even those within WWE agreed was Not Very Good. This rematch took 7 weeks to get to, but it's Cena and JBL's chance to "make good" and deliver the memorable blow-off match that they didn't at Mania.

The extra part of the story to get here is simple: for a month, Cena just treaded water and waited while Teddy Long conducted a "#1 Contender's Series." Out of six men, JBL ended up standing tall at the end (Kurt Angle, Eddie Guerrero, Booker T, Big Show, and Rey Mysterio were the other five challengers). So he earned his title rematch (after being so cocky as to not bother putting a rematch clause into his original contract).

Since the match has been locked in, the hostilities have been purely verbal. And the feud, such as it is, has pretty much been carried by JBL's outstanding assholitude, more so than by Cena's likeability. For instance, as soon as Cena debuted a new customized WWE Title belt, JBL began appearing with the OLD title belt, declaring that the new belt and the new champion were both abominations and that soon, he would again be recognized as the WWE Title holder.

Another one of their verbal confrontations resulted in Cena challenging JBL to make their rematch an "I Quit" match. They've also taken turns taking potshots at the other's merchandise: JBL mocking Cena's crappy new album, and Cena poking fun at JBL's year-old book. Not exactly the most exciting stuff, but I'll say this: at least they kept it relatively free from the utter crap and juvenile antics that marked the road to WM21. Instead of being unlikable this time around, Cena's just more.... bland. He's there, but that's about it.

And that's the crux of the problem: by trying to create a tough-nosed "thug" character who is still safe for 10-year-olds to cheer for, WWE has pretty much robbed Cena of any chance to be a truly complete character. In this feud, JBL is actually the more entertaining of the two. The problem is, he's not quite good enough to inspire me to cheer for him over Cena; nor is Cena bad enough that I want to see him lose to any average schlep. This is your main event, WWE Title feud, and I'm finding it hard to muster up strong feelings one way or the other. And that's just not good.

We'll see what they can do with the "I Quit" gimmick.... I actually have high hopes that the No Rules environment frees them up to do things that will ramp up the drama, even if this isn't a **** Workrate Showcase. JBL, it should be noted, made a guarantee: but not to win the match... merely to make Cena bleed. So right there, I think you can see the direction Cena and JBL are intending to go: make up for other deficiencies with UltraViolence. Both are competent brawlers, so as long as they keep the pace moving (if they've only got 15 minutes worth of action, that means only doing a 15 minute match, instead of dragging it out into 25), I think this COULD end up as a satisfying climax to the show, and the match that FINALLY legitimizes Cena's underwhelming WM21 title win.
  

EDDIE GUERRERO vs. REY MYSTERIO
Very Special "Best Reason To Order This Stupid PPV" Match

No reason to mince words: the last month-and-a-half, these two guys had been the only really good reason to watch SmackDown!, and then the last two weeks when the storyline dictated that Rey be missing in action, it's no accident that the show immediately started resuckening as it started to focus on other issues and other personalities.

So when the two are brought back together on the PPV for yet another one-on-one showdown? You'd have to be pretty dense to not suspect they'll deliver the most excitement and entertainment of the entire PPV.

Like the main event, this is a WM21 rematch, and again, I'm not particularly compelled to go into tons of detail about the pre-WM21 build-up, which actually dated back to November and December. In short: as members of opposing tag teams (Eddie with Booker T, Rey with Rob Van Dam), these two were in the tag title hunt. But when their partners powdered out (Booker to challenge for the WWE Title, RVD to tend to an injury), they wound up as partners, albeit partners with a bit of a friendly rivalry in their past. In all those showdowns (be they tag matches or singles matches), Rey always got the better of Eddie. But at first, Eddie didn't let it bother him, and so that's who Eddie and Rey managed to win the Tag Titles together. Then Eddie's nephew Chavo started getting into his uncle's head a bit, accusing him of teaming with Rey because he knew he couldn't beat Rey. This led up to Eddie issuing a challenge to Rey to fight at WM21.

And in a mostly-scientific showdown, Rey AGAIN beat Eddie. And although you could tell Eddie didn't like it, he took the loss in stride. Eddie and Rey continued as friends and continued defending their tag titles, at least for a few weeks... but even while they were still the tag champs, they both found themselves embroiled in the #1 Contender's Series. And with singles agendas staring them in the faces, both men put the partnership on the back burner.

And worse: both men cost each other matches in the #1 Contender's Series. Eddie's interference caused Rey to be disqualified against JBL, a match that Rey was poised to win if not for Eddie's temper. But Rey seemed to forgive Eddie, and actually tried to help Eddie out the next week in Eddie's match against Kurt Angle; but that time, purely by accident, Rey caused Eddie to be pinned by Kurt. Eddie CLAIMED to accept Rey's apology, but you could tell something was simmering inside him.

Another week later, and Eddie/Rey defended that tag titles against newly-arrived MNM... and in that match, Eddie was distracted by a faceful of Melina's boobs, and Rey was pinned. Rey asked Eddie why he wasn't there to make the save, and Eddie became the aggressor in a shoving match. Still another week later, though, Eddie begged Rey's forgiveness, and asked him to join him one more time in an effort to regain the tag titles. Rey happily agreed... but was hung out to dry. Eddie, with wheedling from Chavo driving him now more than ever, essentially sacrificed Rey to MNM in the rematch.

And then, the coup de grace: 2 weeks ago, Eddie again tried to apologize, but by now, Rey was getting sick of it. Rey ended up in a Street Fight main event against Eddie's nephew, Chavo... and in that match, Rey managed to fend off not just Chavo, but also MNM, to win an excellent match. But afterwards, he fell prey to the 3-on-1 assault. And that's when Eddie came out to the rescue: he fended off Chavo and MNM, and seemed to make good on his apology from earlier. Except NO: as soon as Eddie helped Rey to his feet, he leveled him again, and the ass-whupping was on. In a memorable closing spot, Eddie bloodied Rey and the suplexed him across the steel ring steps. Ouch.

Rey hasn't been seen since, but apparently demanded this PPV match from his hospital bed. Eddie, meantime, has shown up on SD! to explain himself. His claim: that Rey and all the fans were leeching his Latino Heat, and so he had to cut them loose. Now he's got his mojo back, and the sky's the limit. No more friends, no more fans, just looking out for #1. Bastard. He's also taken to carrying around Rey's bloody mask from a few weeks ago, and uttered the classic line, "I already have your blood on my hands, Rey. If you show up at Judgment Day, I'll have your life." Intense.

These are two more guys looking to improve upon a disappointing WM21 outing. And unlike the 2 in the main event, they don't need any stipulation or gimmickry to make it happen. They just need a bit more time, and Eddie's full-on heel turn should ensure a hot crowd, and the rest oughta slide nicely into place. Expect this to be the Match of the Night.
  

KURT ANGLE vs. BOOKER T
Very Special "And You Thought It Was Impossible To Screw
Up A Kurt Angle Match, But You Were Wrong" Match

Hoh boy.

You know me: as far as I'm concerned Kurt Angle can really do no wrong. He's Chris Benoit's in-ring ability with The Rock's personality, he's a once-in-a-decade sort of performer. What Flair was in the 80s, what Michaels was in the 90s, that's what Angle has been the last 6 years or so.

Which makes it all the more amazing that a bunch of idiots on the creative team managed to come up with the second Kurt Angle Storyline of this calendar year that just leaves me rolling my eyeballs. First, he was involved in the memorably retarded "Let's See How Many Useless Divas We Can Force Into a Main Event Feud" storyline of January. Granted, Angle was the only one WITHOUT a useless diva (unless you count Mark Jindrak! ZING~!) and was the least-objectionable of the three men in the feud, but still... and now, this abomination.

Ladies and gentlemen: Kurt Angle is horny. And his own wife is apparently not fulfilling her womanly obligations at home, nor are the hot and cold running ringrats satisfactory for Kurt's voracious appetites. Only Booker T's wife Sharmell will suffice when it comes to acts Kurt himself has dubbed bestial. What the fuck?

I could probably try to make this interesting or halfway realistic, but why bother with mentioning the #1 Contender's Series and how this might, at some level, break down to a desire to get a WWE Title shot. WWE's braindead, worse-than-Springer, COMPLETELY-out-of-character and out-of-context storytelling of the past few weeks hasn't bothered to go those routes. So until they get their heads out of their ass and start paying me to fix their ideas, I'm not gonna try.

So: this one is all about Kurt Angle's insatiable lust for Sharmell T (who Kurt claims is just as hot for him as he is for her) and Booker's defense of his wife's honor. And I couldn't possibly care any less. Fuck you, WWE, for making the damned-near-impossible look so absolutely simple. You've made Kurt Angle an easily dismissible performer. Nice work, monkeys.
  

 
BIG SHOW vs. CARLITO COOL
Very Special "At Least We Won't See Big Show's Ass" Match

This could be interesting. Two exceptionally charismatic personalities + a guaranteed-sweet Big Man vs. Little Man dynamic = Not an entire waste of time and space. Hopefully.

The story is short and sweet: a week ago, Carlito offered Big Show a job as Carlito's bodyguard, and Show turned him down on the grounds that he plays second banana to no man. So Carlito tricked him into eating a poisoned apple and then kicked the shit out of him.

Big Show asked for the PPV match, and got it. Because Carlito, he found his new bodyguard and won't be coming to Judgment Day alone: Matt Morgan will have his back.

That's another interesting element here: not only will Carlito have the Crafty Little Man vibe rolling, but he'll have his own big man outside the ring. It's essentially a 2-on-1 situation, which makes this a bit less of a foregone conclusion. A very tiny bit.... but still: some mic work by Carlito to set the stage, and I think you'll get the crowd into this one, and it could be a nice piece of fun fluff on an undercard that is absolutely devoid of anything that'll engage the crowd.
  

PAUL LONDON vs. CHAVO GUERRERO
Cruiserweight Title Match

Um, wow. Somebody remembered that the Cruiserweight Title is still around. And that Paul London has it. And that he won it in a six-man match WITHOUT actually beating Chavo Guerrero, who was the champion going into that match. And that he was, for some reason, NOT given the pay-off match against Chavo at WM21. And that he disappeared from TV for about the next six weeks.

Yet somehow, here we are, FINALLY: Paul London vs. Chavo Guerrero, the PPV Showdown. This is basically the result of a completely random six-man tag match a week ago in which Chavo Guerrero (partnered with MNM) pinned London (partnered with Haas/Holly) to win the match. Just like that Chavo's claim to the CW Title was restaked.

There's no denying how good a match these two could have. But will it pan out? I don't know. An undercard as crappy as this one means that the live crowd will likely be out of this show for vast stretches: and good as the cruisers can be, they can't salvage a crowd that is having to sit through matches predicated on Kurt Angle's boner, or in which Heidenreich could win the US Title. A dead crowd saps any match of its sizzle. And of course, the other issue: time. These two could use 15 minutes of it, but if they only get 5, that'll only compound problems. Give it time, and they can create an entire match; don't give it time, and this'll be a forgettable affair with probably one trademarked Paul London Holy Shit Spot peppered in somewhere at random.
  

MNM vs. CHARLIE HAAS/BOB HOLLY
Tag Team Title Match

Um, so OK.... you know how I said in the previous match's preview that it was predicated at least in part on a randomly generated six-man tag match a week ago?

Well this one is predicated ENTIRELY on that randomly generated six-man tag, and is one of the most inexcusably lazy and pointless PPV contests in recent memory. MNM have promise, Charlie Haas is criminally underutilized, and all... but somebody needs to get it through their thick skulls that nobody, not ever, in the history of time nor space, will pay money to see Bob Holly wrestle. And plus: the lazy storytelling (such as it is) doesn't help. This match is barely Velocity-worthy, and here I'm supposed to be fired up to watch it on a PPV?

I think not, Pedro. 
  

ORLANDO JORDAN vs. HEIDENREICH
Very Special "No, I am *NOT* Shitting You, This Match Really *IS* For the Once-Prestigious U.S. Title" Match

And the further down the card we go, things only get LESS compelling, even when you thought that would be impossible. Less compelling that MNM vs. Haas/Holly? Yep, because the once prestigious United States Title is on the line in a match between a champion who's barely been on TV the last 2 months and a challenger we WISH hadn't been on TV the last 2 months.

Jordan won the title before WM21 mostly just because it was "in the way" of Cena's quest to win the Big Gold; so in a move that probably seemed like a good idea at the time, WWE had JBL's henchman successfully beat Cena for the US Title. Problem is that since then, if Jordan's had a successful title defense on TV, I've missed it. Hell, if they've even really mentioned he's the champion, I've missed it. Jordan, as a C-level star holding the B-level belt, has essentially made the US Title disappear.

And then there's Heidenreich, who continues to be all OVER TV which his new gimmick: the wrestling retard. Except not as cute or entertaining as Eugene. If he hadn't spent the last part of 2004 raping Michael Cole and having Moments of Vague Homoeroticism with Snitsky, maybe it wouldn't be quite as sick and wrong that he's now consorting with young boys.... but he is, and it's not amusing, and it's silly, and on top of all that, his matches still suck. OK, WWE, so I'm fully aware that you keep giving Heidenreich chance after chance to latch on because "He tries really hard." But jesus, I tried real hard to be a guitar player, and never got much better than hack rhythm guitarist, so I just swallowed my pride, switched to bass, and moved on. Effort's all well and good, but if you can't deliver, you can't deliver. Heidenreich has yet to deliver, not even once.

And yet, here he is with a US Title shot? And how'd he get it again? Oh yeah, by winning a non-title match against OJ last night on SD!.... except: why'd he get a non-title match? There was NEVER ANY REASON GIVEN. Christ. Ostensibly the 3rd or 4th most prestigious title in the industry, and THIS is the amount of effort you're putting into it, WWE? If the tag title match doesn't put 'em to sleep (or send 'em rushing to the restrooms), this one'll do the trick....
  

EXTRAS/CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

Seven announced matches is a pretty full slate.... but you know us here at OO: we are not content to analyze the announced. We know there'll be a few other things going on Sunday night. Here are some of our thoughts....
  

There you have it: seven big ways to win big at Judgment Day. It's a show that runs the gamut: all the way from matches that actually look like they might be PPV-Worthy, down to a few that seem Thursday-worthy, and all the way to the bottom with a couple that are Velocity-worthy. So if I had to come up with some fake optimism, I might jovially opine that:

Hey, Judgment Day's got a little something for EVERYONE! WHEEEE!!!

Check it out, if you so desire, or otherwise, we oughta have some PPV coverage posted here before you go to bed on Sunday night. See you then, folks....