But anyway, my point is that with these two STRONG aversions to diverse sporting events, what do I do once a year? I get semi-fired-up for a car race that is part of a racing series that is massively popular everywhere in the world except here in the US. The worst of both worlds, you might think.

Huh. I am a living oxymoron, folks.

Anyway, the punchline is that I was in Indianapolis yesterday for the Formula One race... and F-1 got its first real American exposure in years last night, albeit for all the wrong reasons. I assume you caught some of the drama on SportsCenter? If not, the deal was basically that 14 out of 20 drivers decided to puss out and not race because they had inferior equipment and didn't want to get blown out of the water. [This is over-simplification, and it's the teams/owners/manufacturers who are really to blame, not the drivers; but basically: two-thirds of the field didn't compete.] 

I bring it up mostly because I have NEVER been a part of a crowd quite that angry: the "heel heat," it was incredible. Even I could not resist joining in for a few "bullshit" chants. And kudos to those creative bastards who had posterboard and markers at the ready, and customized various signs in at least a half-dozen different languages that I saw, all of which I'm ASSUMING amounted to "Fuck You, Michelin." 

No "Sign Police" in F-1, baby. And while it wasn't much of a Good Race, it sure makes for a Good Story. What's most amazing of all: for all the anger that I saw (from a crowd split evenly between Drunk Europeans, Drunk South Americans, and Drunk Rednecks), Indy is claiming there were no arrests. Maybe the police just didn't know where to look? 

Good times, indeed. But now: on with the show....

• Will the good times continue tonight on RAW? I'm hoping so, but after my overly-optimistic RAW preview last week -- and given our likely "main event" -- I'm not gonna go betting the farm.
   
  Yes, Shawn Michaels is back; yes, the draft lottery continues; and yes, Kurt Angle might be the opponent to get the best match out of Batista that we've seen in six months (since Batista had a sweet little 10 minute deal against Chris Benoit on RAW).
   
  But also: yes, the Diva Search starts tonight... and yes, we're going to get a "wedding" tonight as the likely climax to the show. Throw in high probabilities of appearances by both Viscera and Chris Masters, and that's a whole lotta suck.
   
  The key should be to minimize the crap, and spotlight the strong... except that for as simple an observation as that might be, WWE seems increasingly oblivious to the difference between crap and quality. So I'm not sure how to put a happy face on this... it's not like I can say, "Well, there's gonna be some stupid stuff, but maybe WWE will at least keep that short, and give Batista vs. Angle 20 minutes of TV time." Because I don't want to fall into the same trap I did last week of assuming that the Fed will make smart moves with regards to time management or following through on what people actually want to see. Fool me once: shame on me. Fool me twice: shame on you for not just hiring me so that I can help fix things.
   
  We'll start with what I'm assuming will be tonight's "main event." Not because it's really the most imporant thing going on RAW, but just because the staging necessary to do an in-ring wedding makes it hard to put everything back and resume a normal wrestling show without having some deadtime... so Lita and Edge are gonna get hitched? I couldn't possibly care any less. I can count the realistic and compelling moments in Lita's on-screen character over the last 12 months on one hand, and have fingers left over. It seems like dumb drama sticks to her like stink on a hippie. In this case, the fact that the dumb on-screen drama is actually an amplification of her dumb real-life drama does absolutely nothing to make me care any more. If anything, it kinda lessens the interest/appeal of "Lita the person," which was a trickle down effect to "Lita the performer." Which might not be fair, but hey, I'm a singular asshole who doesn't suffer subpar human beings NOR subpar fictional characters lightly.
   
  The point being that Lita and Edge's on-screen relationship and marriage is just nothing that I care about. Granted, it's based on "real life" and has given Lita something to do while she's injured... but in a lot of ways, it also represents a pretty lame detour for Edge who seemed like he was almost RAW's #2 heel at times during the spring, but is now a soap opera side show. You could even argue that he's been eclipsed by his "brother," Christian, by Chris Jericho, and/or by Kurt Angle in terms of RAW's heel depth chart. And because of the silliness of the storyline, Edge would almost need to "win" the feud with Kane to get back to where he was... the nature of the plot here doesn't allow for any mutually-beneficial outs (at least, none I can think of). And my pity for Kane (given that he's been along for the ride for 90% of Lita's Year Of Suck) makes it hard for me to swallow such a "win" for Edge. It all just adds up to being a deal where nobody can really look good, and where the fans, as a result, are the biggest losers of all.
   
  Tonight's wedding will almost assuredly follow the WWE Template for such Sacred Occasions. That means a couple of run-ins and a non-fairy-tale finish. Going back to last week, I think the only possible silver lining here is that one of those run-ins would come from a returning Trish Stratus, who even when she was ostensibly the heel of the duo, has been one of the few people to make Lita's on-screen appearance during the last year semi-tolerable. The return of cool, cocky, bitchy Trish to make fun of slutty, drama queen Lita would be a nice diversion during the wedding segment. And again amplifying a point from last week: they key to the whole thing is gonna be NOT changing anything about Trish's character just because she's a face now. No Tittering Girlfriend Skits with the Useless Divas, no making peace with her mortal enemy Kane to up the Soap Opera Quotient, no Plain Vanilla-ing of her personality, just the same old independent and capable Trish that discerning connoisseurs of fine wrestling (and fine women) were already cheering for last year. Just trust me on this: haven't I been right enough other times when it comes to WWE's Diva Practices already?
   
  After Trish, the only other "surprise" run-in that would make any sense would be from Matt Hardy. But OO engages only in Informed Speculation, not in rickockulous rumor-mongering. So yeah, that'd be fun, but it's also nothing I'd hold my breath for. I'd say just expect the expected, and look for Kane to be the punchline to the wedding. He's not yet had a SINGLE bad-ass moment in the month-plus since Lita dumped him, and heading into a PPV match against Edge, he really should do something convincing to get a "moral victory." Not because fans should have to be convinced that Kane's capable of beating Edge, but just because there's so far been no part of this storyline that's been at all compelling, and fans have even BOOED Kane a few times for his wussiness; so to give us a reason to care about the PPV match, we really should get a glimpse of the Old Kane, in my opinion.
   
  The most-burning question of all: will there be a string quartet playing a classic arrangement of Edge's current DoucheRock theme song, as they did for Kane's theme last year? That was about the only part of the Kane/Lita wedding that I liked last year...
   
  Then again, maybe remembering last year's wedding is the key to tolerating this years... afterall, if I brace myself for something that bad, I can only be pleasantly surprised tonight, right? Yeah, that's the ticket: lowered expectations are GREAT!
   
  The actual "main event" might go on mid-show or in the "last match, but not main event" slot... but regardless of placement on the show, this is one where I'm gonna go in with some lofty expectations. Because if Batista can't have a great match against Kurt Angle, then maybe we've been wrong about him for the past 9-10 months. And given what we've seen from Batista against Benoit and given that he's had a pair of passable 20-minute outings against HHH, I don't think any of us need to worry. If Batista/Angle isn't good, it won't be their fault, it'll be the fault of WWE for not giving them ample time or the right storyline/finish. 
   
  And I think it's fair to hope for a 20-minute "free-per-view" type match from these two. Partly because I'm not entirely sure that they'll be staying on the same brand at the end of the month, so you might as well get what you can out of them now. But also partly because it'd be a little test for Batista, to show us all that he's ready to step into the Cell this Sunday on PPV and deliver a long-ish epic match. But once they go 20 minutes, make no mistake: I'm NOT expecting a clean finish. On the contrary, both Batista and Angle have pressing PPV matches this weekend, and at the very least, I think HHH will (and should) play a role in the final moments of the match. I think a DQ win for Batista is probably tonight's likeliest outcome, and could well be the best one, too: it protects Angle, it puts some heat on Batista/HHH, and it could even be another little prickly point of contention between HHH and Angle if Angle did not desire HHH's help (which could be cool, since y'all know how I loves me having little lingering issues and ambiguity like that).
   
  Then it's as simple as a Shawn Michaels save, and we head to Vengeance with our top two matches amply hyped via one 20-minute match and one over-booked (but satisfying) finish.
   
  The #3 match at the PPV is gonna be John Cena defending his WWE Title against Chris Jericho and Christian in a three-way match... and that's something that needs a lot of time to be fleshed out tonight, too. At the very least, Jericho SHOULD get a ton of exposure tonight. Given the twisty road his character's been riding down the last 2 months, he needs a kick-ass promo to explain his motivations for turning on Cena last week. And then, there should also be a match for Jericho tonight, either to establish himself as a heel to be taken seriously (with a win over some middlin' babyface) or to showcase him as an asshole not to be trusted (in a tag match setting again, possibly this time teaming with Christian against Cena and somebody, but again finishing the match by showing that he's only looking out for #1). 
   
  I think the trick to proper telling of the Cena/Jericho/Christian story is gonna be convincing fans that Cena could lose. And making Jericho look strong and/or by reminding us that if Jericho or Christian beats the other, Cena would lose the title without being pinned? Well, that'll work... so that's kinda my thinking here. Jericho explains himself, and then these are also guys who need to do some of their storytelling in a match setting tonight.
   
  Kane/Edge is probably the #4 PPV match at this point, but only because there have only been 4 PPV matches announced. Depending on how the wedding goes, and what else happens, it could drop (at least on my list).
   
  In the category of "Not Official, But Likely," we really oughta get an IC Title Match at the PPV (unless speculation of 2 weeks ago is borne out and Shelton somehow ends up over on SD! to give them a singles title worth fighting over)... and after last week, Muhammad Hassan's claim to the #1 Contender spot is as strong as ever. It would not surprise me if Hassan/Shelton continued tonight, and if it ended up as a PPV match.
   
  After taking a one-week break, I'm sure we resume the Spaz vs. Victoria feud tonight, leading up to them doing a PPV match, too.
   
  And then there's the poor, long-suffering tag champs, Hurricane and Rosey. Will they get a PPV-worthy feud? With only 6 days to prepare, I wouldn't bet on it.
   
  The Draft Lottery is the other big consideration for tonight's show... so far, it seems like we're throwing Random Luck of the Draw to the wind, and sticking only with top level stars. Given the decimation of SD!, that means the alternatives are kinda limited for who could get drafted to RAW. In terms of stars who would pop an audience, I think you eliminate Taker (because now he's clearly on a collision course with Young Randall Orton), I think you eliminate Eddie and Rey (because they need to stick together for the finishment of their feud), I think you eliminate Carlito (because even if I'd love to see him on RAW and do a "talk show feud" with Jericho, Carlito and Morgan are a package deal and the nature of the draft doesn't allow for drafting of "package deals" together), I think you eliminate Booker (because it sure seemed like he started somethign with Carlito last week, and if Carlito's not jumping, then Booker shouldn't either), and I think you eliminate Benoit (because it appears the draft mechanism does NOT allow for drafted stars to be REdrafted later on). 
   
  That leaves pretty much three other guys I can think of: JBL, Big Show. Everybody else on SD! would underwhlem the RAW audience. The case for JBL is that his Cabinet has been broken up, which leaves him free to make a jump while keeping the Bashams/Orlando as heels on SD! (which is huge, since none of those guys work as a babyface), instead of being forced into sympathetic "I have an evil boss" babyface roles... the case for Big Show is that he "won" his feud with Carlito/Morgan last week and doesn't have anything else pressing happening in the short term, so a jump could freshen things up for him...
   
  It really would not surprise me one single bit to see one of these two guys be the Draftee tonight on RAW. In fact, were I betting man, I'd probably be willing to take those two and give you the Field. Because these two really do make a lot of sense, and whether it "decimates" the SD! roster or not doesn't matter, since we have a lot of drafting and trading yet to go before the final roster alignments are determined. The only other bit of mystery, in my opinion, is whether or not you'd need to pencil the draftee in for a PPV match at Vengeance, and if so, against whom? Something that might be cool: I'm still a fan of Lotterying Christian over to SD! this week (effectively taking him out of the WWE Title match that he'd FINALLY earned, but saving a one-on-one with Cena back for some point after the Lottery is over), so a guy like JBL (or Big Show) coming in would be an instant "suitable replacement" in such a match. Just a thought...
   
  [Thinking "outside the box," there is also one SD! NON-wrestler who would pop the RAW crowd, and that's Tazz... if WWE wanted to shake-up the announcer situation, I guess that's one draftee we cannot rule out, either. But I think you wait till after the Vengeance PPV before clouding that picture.]
   
  Other than that: like I said, I don't fear much in this life, but I do fear 10-15 minutes of Viscera and Chris Masters doing their respective things. And I tremble in terror at the prospects for Diva Search 2005. But at least I gather there is no "contest"/voting this week, which means the girls should keep their yappers shut, not have to do anything retarded, and should stick to doing what they do best: prancing around in skimpy outfits so we can ogle them. I mean, "get to know them." Yeah. 
   
  So there you go: yes, there's gonna be some good stuff tonight. But yes, it looks like there's gonna be some bad mixed in. How will it all blend together in the final analysis? Well, there's only 2 ways to find out.... either plop yer ass down and watch the show tonight. Or plop yer ass down tomorrow and read the ever-excellent OO RAW Recap.
   
  Actually, I lied: there's THREE ways. Cuz you can also do BOTH of #1 and #2, since that's the magic of the OO RAW Recap... it's equally as good whether you've seen the show or not. And quite often, it's BETTER than the show. You don't want to miss out on that, do you? Of course not....
   
  
• Stepping away from WWE for a moment...
   
  TNA held it's third anniversary show on PPV last night, with the uncleverly-titled "Slammiversary." And as seems to be the case with TNA, there are two big stories coming out of the night, and one of them is pretty cool, and the other just leaves you wondering if monkeys are driving the ship.
   
  The good news first:
   
  Raven, despite originally not being scheduled to appear on the PPV, won the TNA Title in the main event "King of the Mountain" match. Raven was a last-second replacement after TNA did an angle writing Jeff Jarrett out of the match (following an "altercation with a fan"). Nice. It might be the better part of 2 years late in coming (how and why TNA didn't put the strap on Raven at the end of his first feud with Jarrett still baffles me), but Raven's a valuable commodity for TNA... recognizable enough to have some name value (ESPECIALLY after the wrestling world stood up last week and said, "Hey, I remember ECW, and it was AWESOME"; apparently, this was not lost on TNA, as Raven apparently ditched the Battle Skirt for his old ECW outfit), a fresh and versatile character who can work tons of different types of stories/promos (a nice change from one-note Jarrett, or personality-deficient AJ Styles), and a guy who can still turn it on when the bell rings (albeit generally only at his best in a single style of match: the wacky brawl). And remember: I'm saying all these nice things about a guy who once attempted to verbally rape me! But I'd like to think I won him over in the end, and regardless of that incident, I've never had anything but the greatest fondness for his promo and ringwork.
   
  I'd been hearing little hints that TNA might have been plotting something like this going back to last Tuesday or Wednesday... I didn't bother really following up on it, but I'd gotten word about some sort of Dusty Rhodes Drama, with the end result being Dusty wanting to just be totally done with the company (already, his booking power was gone, but he still had an on-air role, and had some say over how his own character was presented). And the rumor was that Raven somehow figured into that (well, maybe not Raven himself, but TNA's plans for pushing Raven despite Dusty not being a big fan of his). I was kinda figuring that TNA's big Third Anniversary Swerve would be to have a guy not even scheduled to compete on the PPV win their top title. I would like to say a big "Thank You" to Jason Longshore for making the same prediction in his PPV Preview.... even if his pick was based more on access to cool prescription drugs than on third-hand, trickle-down information, it was still all I needed as an excuse to bust out the front page picture of Raven over the weekend, complete with nebulous language and hype. I didn't bother writing a column of my own on Friday, but getting to pre-ordain Raven as the likely NWA Title winner with the front-page imagery made me feel like I contributed SOMEthing useful to the wrestling world!
   
  About the only thing I would have done differently: X-Pac is the guy who should have been out of the King of the Mountain match, not Jarrett. Raven already kicked X-Pac's ass last month on PPV, which doesn't exactly make X-Pac the most convincing of NWA Title challengers. Plus, it's not like Jarrett had to go take himself out of the match to "protect" himself: the nature of the match makes it really easy to not win but still come out looking strong.... he should have been in there to give the crew another strong heel and to add some drama to things, since if there's one thing that TNA fans live in fear of, it's that Double J is learning all his booking tricks from Triple H. But oh well...
   
  And then: there were a bunch of other matches, with reviews mixed as to whether they were boring and meaningless or action-packed and meaningless. Storytelling: not exactly TNA's greatest strength... the closest thing to consensus on the night is that Samoa Joe looked great in his TNA debut, and apparently, I need to see him again because he's gotten a lot better in the last 9 months (which is the last ROH tapes I saw).
   
  The aforementioned Jason Longshore has got the full details in the TNA Slammiversary PPV Recap.
   
  
• And the other big TNA story? The not-so-good one?
   
  They made their "blockbuster" announcement about their TV situation over the weekend... which is that starting this week, fans can watch TNA every week on....
   
  Wait for it....
   
  Wait for it...
   
  ON THE INTERNET.
   
  Ouch.
   
  From Monday nights going head-to-head with WWE to spending (at least) the next 3 months making fans download a weekly TV show from the internet. And this, my friends, is why TNA has a major Perception Problem with both fans and those inside the industry... a Real Wrestling Company should have a TV show. A Pretend Wrestling Company can post video clips to their website.
   
  Now: TNA's most loyal fans will surely go through the hassle of downloading the show weekly. TNA's most loyal fans will probably be willing to sit in front of their computers to watch the show. But we've just found the line that *I* am not prepared to cross, and I'm thinking it might be a similar line that many of you deal with. I had no problem telling DVR to record "Impact" every week, and then watching it when I had a chance... but who's gonna sit in front of a computer and remember "Oh hey, I need to get my TNA for this week"? Not me, Potsie. If it's there on my TV, hey, I Like Wrestling, so I'll watch it. But if you're making me go out of my way for it? Well, that's where we get into the thing where I only like GOOD wrestling: which TNA hasn't shown they can do on a weekly basis, yet.
   
  I know the joke is that TNA's ratings for Impact were awful, so they don't lose anything by not being on TV... but that's also kind of a cheap gag. Even doing a cumulative 0.3 cable rating for all the Impact replays, that's still over 300,000 unique viewers for TNA every week. A joke compared to WWE's weekly audience, but I'm guessing that's a LOT more than TNA will have downloading their show from the internet. I don't expect that TNA would ever announce actual figures, but I'd be a body part that they have trouble even getting into six-figures in terms of unique downloads of their show.... going based on PPV buyrates and assuming that the only people who'd go to the trouble of downloading a show are the ones who get TNA PPVs, TNA might have trouble getting much more than 50,000 unique viewers every week. Only retaining one-third of an already anemic audience is NOT a good thing. Retaining a weekly audience significantly smaller than MINE? Also not a good thing.
   
  The flip side of TNA's TV coin is that the reason they are doing the Internet Experiment is because they have come to terms with Spike TV to debut on that network in the fall. But before you get your panties moistened: it's reportedly for Velocity's timeslot, or possibly for 10pm on Saturdays. In either case, it's NOT the head-to-head with RAW "dream scenario" envisioned by many fans.
   
  The upside about this: supposedly, Spike still figures they will package TNA with the nominal hit that was the UFC Reality Show. I wish they'd tank that crapfest and just do a weekly show of Actual UFC Fights, but whatever. Which is about the best chance of TNA getting a lead-in that's roughly compatible with a wrestling audience.
   
  The downside: just about everything else. I've actually had a few TNA fans try to sell me on how this is MUCH better for TNA, since they won't be paying as much as they would have paid WGN for the Monday night slot, and also because "expectations will be lower." Which translates to "OK, so nobody's gonna watch TNA, but as long as they're not watching it Saturday late at night, Spike TV won't be as pissed off and will let the show stay on the air longer." Way to support the product! If you think TNA can honestly compete with WWE, why not insist on the greater exposure?
   
  Think about it this way: to even match Velocity's Saturday night ratings for Spike, TNA is gonna have to triple its weekly audience. If they do this, what's that prove? Nothing, since being the equal of a WWE show that nobody watches is not exactly great news. [Although: maybe the logic among TNA fans is "If TNA can match Velocity's Saturday ratings, Spike will assume TNA can match WWE's Monday ratings, too, so they'll move the show to Mondays"? I don't know; nobody actually posited that to me in e-mail, but I wouldn't put it past you optimistic bastards.] And if TNA canNOT match Velocity's ratings? Well, kids, there's a reason why USA Network didn't want to give WWE 3 weekend hours of TV, and Velocity's shitty ratings are a big part of that....
   
  Speaking of WWE and USA: there is a belief among many that WWE's single weekend hour of programming on USA is gonna be a late-prime or late-night show on Saturday (i.e. between 10pm and midnight)... if the rumors are true about TNA, Spike, and the timeslot, they are practically BEGGING for WWE and USA to make sure to schedule "WWE Tonight" directly opposite of TNA. And if that happens? Either Spike needs to move TNA, or TNA will go bye-bye pretty fast. It's really not great news for TNA, if you ask me.
   
  Another minus: TNA's rumored deal with Spike is only for a one-hour show. And a big part of what was wrong with Impact is that TNA never figured out how to present their strengths (which is longer, jaw-dropping wrestling matches) in a one-hour package... they were too busy trying to cram 8 segments in per hour, and not trying to make sure at least one of them was something worth talking/writing about. Another one-hour show does nothing to fix this VERY core problem.
   
  Then again, hey: TNA went from Monday's on WGN to the internet in the course of two weeks.... maybe there's still time for a reversal of fortune here. The Spike rumors are just that: rumors. And who's to say that they are entirely correct or will be borne out? At this point, though? I can't imagine a more spirit-crushing development for wrestling fans who honestly want to see TNA evolve into competition for WWE (like I would)...
   
  
• Since I'm talking about Pretend Wrestling Companies, that NWA-Ohio guy is at it again, claiming that he's going to be announcing a Major Cable TV Deal of his own very soon... if you believe the hype, it could be for a 6pm Saturday timeslot on WGN. If you believe the hype, NWA-Ohio might be in the process of changing it's name to the World Wrestling Association. If you believe the hype, they have millions of dollars in backing and the support of Many Actually Recognizable Wrestling Superstars.
   
  But if you check the website, NWA-Ohio runs in such a tiny pissant burg here in my own homestate that *I* had never heard of the place (turns out, it's in the middle of nowhere, probably about 2.5 hours away from me, and requiring taking all manner of backroads to even get there). If you check the website, the talent roster reads like a who's who of who cares. If you check the website, you DEFINITELY begin to wonder where the "millions of dollars" are being spent.
   
  Then again, the NWA-Ohio guy turned out to be right about the WGN/TNA deal... who's to say he doesn't have an ace up his sleeve, and is merely cursed by a website that appears to have been designed by a computer-illiterate second grader? I guess I might still say those things, actually. But only because (1) I am an asshole, and (2) going back to one of TNA's biggest problems, wrestling is based on PERCEPTION, and right now, it'd be really hard for any wrestling fan to have a perception of NWA-Ohio (or WWA) as being anything other than lower than bush league. I know in some indie/TNA circles, there is also a perception that NWA-Ohio's boss is not a guy to be taken seriously... but in that regard, he wouldn't be much different from any indie promoter.
   
  We'll see, though. We'll see.
   
  
• I think that's about all I have time for today. Sadly, there's a couple other items I wanted to squeeze in, but my Hollywood Brother is only in town every so often, and I'm gonna catch dinner with him, here. The mind-numbing minutiae of the wrestling world can wait till Wednesday. If it still seems vaguely-pertinent on Wednesday, at least.
   
  See you then, folks....