I'm trying to fill that gaping baseball void with a couple back-up back-up plans. One involves kicking all manner of ass in my Fantasy Baseball League. Mission Accomplished

My other back-up back-up plan: adopt the Washington Nationals. Purely out of spite. My youngest brother, for reasons none of us can yet comprehend but for which we all feel guilty about, decided at a very young age that the Montreal Expos were his favorite baseball team. I can't even begin to tell you the many ways this struck me as wrong. Then again, this is the kid who likes Toby Keith in an unironic fashion and believes that women shouldn't be racing in the Indy 500, so this is probably all my fault for being a bad big brother. Anyway, needless to say, he was no fan of the Expos moving from Montreal to Washington this past off-season. And while I loved the mere fact of the move, I think it's even funnier that once freed from the shackles of French Canadian Apathy, the same team that could barely muster 70 wins last year is suddenly in first place at the All Star Break. In your face, Canada!

Another thing about the Nationals I can latch on to? Unlike the ass-hatted Cincinnati Reds' organization, they didn't alienate and disrespect Shortstop Extraordinaire Barry Larkin, and in fact, have given him a front office job. Jose Rijo, too. So yeah, maybe the Nationals will be my team. At least for the next 3 months. And then next season, we'll try this all over again.

Let's get to the rasslin':

• RAW tonight is gonna be... well, let's just hope it's gonna be different from last week.
   
  Without a PPV to worry about until SummerSlam (over a month away), RAW has the freedom to play around and do slow builds to the key feuds they want to showcase. But they also retain the responsibility to not futz around and bore the shit out of us like they did last week. I realize that we've gone 2 weeks without any "B-shows," but that's still really no excuse to be soiling my Monday nights with Viscera and Rene Dupree.
   
  At this point, I think the de facto Top Story on RAW is Hulk Hogan vs. Shawn Michaels. I know I've mentioned in the past 6 days how shocking Michaels heel turn was, and some of you have called me out on that, pointing out that it was just back in May where a lot of the trOOps (myself included) were making PPV picks based on the idea of Michaels turning heel on Hogan. OK, fair enough. I admit that the idea of Michaels turning heel isn't exactly mind-blowingly original. But in execution last week? Holy shit was that ever a surprise. It's sure as hell not what I was expecting, and I could even spin you a little tale from my Forth of July party to underscore how little I was expecting it, but you're not interested, trust me.
   
  I think a lot of what I'm looking forward to tonight is gonna be hearing Shawn's Heel Explanationing. At times in the past 18 months, I think we've gotten glimpses of Michaels' ability to still channel a little bit of dickishness in his promos. Tonight, he can finally cut loose and go 100% with it; show us what he's got; and give us the motivation behind the Sour Chin Music from last week. I'm intrigued because Michaels' expression last week was not one of evil glee, it was more contemplative. And when you start getting into storylines that involve that level of complexity -- and performers of Michaels' ability -- that is when good stuff happens.
   
  I figure it's just as likely that Michaels takes us on a bitter journey going back 15-plus years as it is that he takes on a day trip back no further than 2-3 weeks. And either way, it could make a lot of sense and be very compelling. Maybe Michaels remembers being a tag team wrestler hidden on the undercard until Hogan finally got lost and went to WCW. Or maybe Michaels is thinking more near-term, and is upset that he (Michaels) called Hogan back for "One More Match," out of respect to the Hulkster, but since then, Hogan has come back and had himself Two MORE Matches, leeching the spotlight away from HBK. Then again, it could be as simple as the storyline with Kurt Angle was: he might just see Hogan, realize he's never tested himself in the ring with Hogan, and want to rectify that.
   
  In any case, Hogan is not expected on RAW tonight (probably a good thing, since I'm afraid that a HUGE part of getting the most out of Hogan during this stretch is going to be portioning him out stingily so that fans don't have a chance to get sick of him). Let us hope that there is nary one mention of his crap-ass "reality" show, too. The telling of the tale tonight is gonna be on Shawn Michaels, and even though The Jesus says to Love Thy Neighbor, I think HBK will be able to muster some 1993-caliber assholitude for the occasion. 
   
  A notch down from that, we've apparently got ourselves our WWE Title Feud for the summer, and it pits John Cena against challenger Chris Jericho. Which, in theory, works for me... hell, if nothing else, it's a Wrestling Manifestation of the age old Rap vs. Rock Debate. I think we all know which side of that fence I'm on, but mostly: as long as this doesn't end with rap and rock kissing, making up, and forming the Wrestling Manifestation of Limp Fucking Bizkit, I'll be OK. I mention it only because there was kind of that patronizing tone to Cena's mic work last week, like he was trying to be the guy who brings Jericho back from the Dark Side. And listen: I actively endorsed that sort of a storyline for Jericho going back 2 months, but Cena is *not* the one to do it. Cena has no gravitas: he's still mostly just a clown, a caricature, and more wigger than wrestler. Him lecturing Jericho rings false.
   
  So it's a lucky thing that Jericho didn't seem to take any of Cena's patronizing lecture to heart, and just bitchslapped the taste out of his mouth, instead. And this is what we need more of over the next 5 weeks: because there's a limit to what talking can accomplish, and so far in any in-ring setting, Jericho has NOT gotten the better of Cena at any point. I think we'd need to do at least 2-3 more tag or multi-way matches (as Jericho and Cena were involved in last month), except this time, Jericho needs to do something to convince us that he is a viable challenger. Whether that's a non-title win over Cena, or just somehow administering a thorough beatdown, I don't care. But Jericho needs a bit more oomph than he's gotten the past few weeks.
  
  Of course, saying that, I think I might understand why WWE would shy away from letting Jericho get anything but the cheapest of wins over Cena: because they're gonna be fighting against the fans here. I know you'll think this is just me being me, but trust me... Cena's nowhere near bulletproof when it comes to getting all cheers, and Jericho is always gonna have his fans no matter where he goes. There will be some mixed reactions, so WWE might be concerned about doing anything that would encourage the vast majority of fans to join the disobedient 10-15% who won't be responding "correctly."
   
  Best case scenario, if I write tonight's show: Michaels is the guest on the Highlight Reel, and strikes up a Mutual Respect Thing with Jericho, and explains why he did what he did. Cena interrupts. Cena castigates Michaels for turning on a legend and on HIS FRIEND. Michaels trumps him by saying, "You were lucky to even be in the same ring with the two of us 2 weeks ago, junior. Now get lost, cuz the grown-ups are trying to have a conversation here." But Cena probably won't like that. The angry words start flying, Eric Bischoff hits the stage, and announces that if these four want it so bad, they can have it, later tonight: Michaels and Jericho vs. Cena and A Partner Of His Choosing. Works on the level of teasing fans with a Hogan appearance, works on the level of Bischoff still wanting to trap Cena in a handicap match because he "has no friends on RAW"... once Cena reveals Hogan is out for tonight, I think what I'd love to do would be to have Cena hit the ring, thinking he had to fight alone... but then Kurt Angle comes out and says that any chance to get a piece of Shawn Michaels is a good one in his book. Along the way, he should cause my gut to bust by attempting to use slang like "dawg," "yo," and "word to your mother," in an effort to impress Cena. Of course, one thing will lead to another and that will lead to miscommunication, and Angle will grow less enamored with Cena. Angle's true colors show, and it basically does end up as a 2-on-1 match. And as a result: Jericho manages to pin Cena tonight in the main event on RAW.
   
  Admit it: you like that idea. If WWE wanted to play it a lot safer (and slightly more boring), then I guess you could use Big Show as Cena's partner, playing up that they knew each other on SD!... but to be honest, my way's better, and if you do it that way, then you can have Hogan come back next week, apologize to Cena for not being there for him, and promising that he'll introduce John to some new friends. And there is no Bigger Friend of Hogan than the Big Show. The partnership would get off to a better start that way. And plus: do it that way, and you get ANOTHER free RAW match for use at some point before SummerSlam.... Cena/Hogan/Show vs. Jericho/Michaels/Angle. Man alive, this stuff practically writes itself...
   
  Of course, none of this will happen, and I've once again managed to set myself up to be nothing but massively disappointed in whatever WWE serves up instead. I fricking hate that, but there is no Off Position to the Genius Switch.
   
  Next level down: Edge vs. Kane is still on-going. And in fact, they've already been announced as having a PPV Rematch tonight on RAW. I wish I could muster any interest, but there really isn't anything intriguing about the story so far, and the worst part is that I don't even really have any conception of what would make for a compelling End Game. When you aren't envisioning a Desirable Outcome, that means it's a shitty story; I mean REALLY shitty. Most movies or TV shows or books, no matter how bad, I can almost always still have an idea in my head of how I want it to end. Here, in the on-going tale of Edge vs. Kane, I couldn't tell you a neat way for things to be over. I just know what I want it to be so, so that both may move on. Perhaps the whole problem is that, at this point, the story isn't even Kane vs. Edge: it's Kane vs. Lita. Are we still going through the motions here so that we can get to the part of the story where Kane chokeslams Lita without interference from Snitsky, or whatever? Lord, I hope not...
   
  We probably oughta put our IC Champ in action tonight, don't you think? Carlito's had more than ample opportunity to shine on the mic the last few weeks, but a little reminder that he is the deserving IC Champ is something we could do tonight, so that when RVD comes back, people don't just expect him to walk all over Carlito. Val Venis is lying down for just about anybody at this point, and I think that he and Carlito would probably mesh pretty well for a 6 minute TV Special. You could even have this be the week where Carlito unveils his new bodyguard: not to typecast the poor guy, but if The Lovely Miss Tomko didn't get released, then this is the part he was born to play. He can help Carlito defend the IC Title successfully. Yeah: I'd probably throw that onto my Fantasy Booked Show, if for no other reason than I can't think of another Big Ass Promo that would require the services of the Cabana.
   
  Let's see... what else we got?
   
  Well, obviously, run as you may, you cannot escape the Diva Search. You can only revel in the fact that it should only be about seven-eighths as long this week as last week. Whew: so 14 minutes, instead of 16. Ouch, my irony. If it were up to me, I'd just fast-forward this thing by a few weeks and get rid of The European Model Bitch, The Trying-Hard-To-Be-a-Heel/Club-Hopping Bitch (who went last on the obstacle course last week), and the Tall Skinny Bitch (who displayed, if this is possible, negative physical co-ordination last week; but WWE probably wants to keep her around since she's been the one that's been naked in Playboy before). At least I feel pretty good that my two knee-jerk picks for quasi-tolerable girls should not be eliminated this week: Elisabeth actually has immunity, and Kristal was the only other one to really do well on the obstacle course, which should count for something. Sadly, even if this thing stretches out for 6 more weeks and it comes down to those two, I wouldn't even be able to muster up any sense of vindication... because the road getting there is gonna be so tortuously boring and soul-crushingly stupid that it just wouldn't be worth it to have my semi-predictions come to pass.
   
  And then: we may have gotten a one week reprieve, but I'm quite sure that Tajiri's job is safe at least until the point where he goes out and jobs his ass off to Chris Masters... the tag champs STILL have nothing to do, and lame-ass "public service announcements" like last week aren't the solution... whither Shelton Benjamin? He might be a cool guy to get into Cena's "group of friends" and to associate with Hulk Hogan, ESPECIALLY if Kurt Angle is gonna be on the opposite side of that big ol' collection of singles feuds....  I don't know what to make of Kerwin White, but if this is supposed to be a step up for Chavo, I suspect we'll see more of him tonight; my own gut feeling is that this'll probably flop no matter how much effort Chavo puts into it; unless WWE decides to be clever and ALSO introduce us to "Kerwin Classic," who should NOT be Chavo Sr., but who SHOULD be some older Country Club Douchebag that fans will shit all over because they know Chavo's Real Identity and they know they'd rather be seeing Chavo Classic.... and I'm still waiting for the End Game with Viscera, because I've had it about Up To Here with him; I still say Trish and Lillian should team up to humiliate him, and then he should never be heard from again... and have we given up on Spaz vs. Victoria? Almost feels like it, since Spaz is now the Co-Host of the Diva Search crap, and there's been no mention of Victoria since she beat Spaz at the PPV; I don't know if that's good or bad... probably good, since Victoria wins and Spaz can go back to not pretending like she can wrestle.
   
  I think that's just about everything you need to keep in mind as you watch RAW tonight.... you know something cool about this little preview? I think there's enough material here to have a pretty kick-ass 2 hour show, and to set the stage for future weeks of kick-ass TV, and I didn't once have to mention the name of Triple H. I know this'll come off like I'm HHHating on the Game, but I really can't imagine any better move for him than keeping himself scarce until SummerSlam. Then, if he rears his massively-beschnozzed head and interjects himself into the WWE Title picture or some other storyline, it'll have much greater impact than if he insists on returning to TV right now, where there really isn't any open slot for him on a heel-heavy show.
   
  I know the Home Run Derby will be enticing to watch, but you still oughta keep an eye on RAW tonight. Or at least, come on back to OO and let us get you caught up tomorrow with the Finest RAW Recap In All The Land. And I've got a little surprise for you: because Erin's gonna be back again this week to recap the show. What are her motivations? Perhaps just a desire to swing the vote in a "RAW Recap: Rick vs. Erin" Forums Thread in her favor by pandering to the masses? Perhaps my Guilt Tripping Mind Control in said thread worked better than I thought? Perhaps she just wanted to be nice and let me watch the Home Run Derby without having to worry about collecting Every Little Detail about RAW? Perhaps she's just trying to get in my good graces before a Fall Semester in which there will be zero (0) bRAWd Recaps by giving me back-to-back weeks off? I don't know for sure, but I was plenty happy to hear over the weekend that Erin for-sure wanted another crack at RAW. Hell, I almost think part of her decision was just wanting to roll the dice and see if WWE would give her better material to work with than last week... you hear that WWE? Either make it a good 'un tonight so that it's fun to talk about, or make it so hideously bad that it's even more fun to mock! None of that 2 hours of mediocrity like last week, OK? Those are the hardest shows of all to recap...
   
  
• Going back to Friday's Rather Opinionated Column: I can't say I'm surprised by the volume or variety of e-mail that my Muhammad Hassan/Terror Cell rant netted me. I pretty much expected that, considering how many of you rushed to mail in after the incident on Thursday night with your Strongly Held Convictions about how WWE Was Exploiting The London Bombings, and all that.
   
  I don't know if I was really trying to change any of your minds, as much as I was probably grabbing you by the collar and trying to shake some sense into you. Which never really works, but it made ME feel better after being exposed to so much clueless punditry.
   
  Again: I'm not saying I enjoyed or endorsed the angle... on the contrary, I thought it was very dumb. But I disliked it because it was Bad Wrestling, not because it was in Bad Taste.
   
  A couple e-mails did, however, kind of surprise me by finding new angles on this, or by addressing some element of my rant that I didn't explain well, or something...
   
  One also impressed me by being off-base in a way TOTALLY different from all the rest: a guy actually wrote in and said, "As soon as I saw the angle on SD!, I was offended. And as soon as I saw it, I knew you would not be. Because you never are, no matter what distasteful angles wrestling uses. Just once, I'd like you to admit 'hey, this offended me and hurt me where I live'." Whaaaa? For one, I think it's a GOOD thing that I'm so internally consistent in my opinions; no flip-flopper am I. I don't understand how me suddenly developing new personal opinions would be anything but a bad thing... and secondly, something doesn't have to "hit me where I live" for me to get bothered. It's not a question of me only being able to take offense at things directed against me (on the contrary, I'm remarkably thick-skinned, and don't hold others up to any standards different from what I hold myself to), it's a question of there being No Victim and No Crime here. WWE did not cause tangible harm to come to even one single person by running a fake TV angle; WWE could not have caused tangible benefit to even one single person by NOT running the angle (although to be considerate and NOT rub the locals' faces in it, they did edit it out of the UK telecast). In short: there is no controversy, this didn't hit ANYbody "where they live," and thus I can't see how anyone would be able to muster up such outrage over something that is utterly inconsequential. And then write in asking me to pretend to muster up the same thing. I don't get that at all...
  
  Then there were a couple e-mails who latched onto one passage where I made the Corsican Brothers/Cross-Atlantic Orgy of Misery joke about how Americans getting upset about WWE wounding feelings struck me as akin to all the straight people who write in all offended when I make jokes about the more humorous aspects of homosexual subculture... and from that, they inferred that I was coming down against all advocacy for minorities/victims. Which is *not* what I intended. I, myself, don't go in much for "causes," granted; I think the only thing I've donated to in the last five years is the University of Dayton (and trust me, it wasn't much). But that doesn't mean that I'm against somebody reaching out to lend GENUINE help to somebody outside of their race, creed, orientation, or country. It's how I feel like I'm 100% in the right for mocking "Queer Eye" for it's all-around awfulness, pointlessness, and patronizingness... but how I don't stand around idly if I see gay guys getting unnecessarily harassed at a bar or something. It's the difference between being so self-righteously obsessed with "looking good" that you will spout off all manner of sympathetic pleasantries without stopping to realize you are ACCOMPLISHING NO TANGIBLE GOOD. But when the chips are down and you really CAN accomplish something: then hell, yeah, a good and decent person should act. My point here: by editing the Hassan angle out of SD!, WWE would not have caught a single terrorist or re-animated any of the London victims. Nothing they could have done would have made it better. And if you stop and be honest with yourself, nothing WWE did was gonna make it any worse, either. That's really the point I was trying to make: that you can feel sorry for the folks in London all you want, and that's OK, but that a sane person simply canNOT take that and turn it into some kind of advocacy against WWE for running a fake TV story that had nothing to do with that issue. Can't be done.
   
  And a final set of e-mails, and a surprisingly large one, took a pragmatic approach for telling me why WWE should have edited out the segment: almost two dozen folks wrote in to say, "Rick, you are, of course, right about this. But most people won't see it that way." They correctly pointed out that I wouldn't have had to write what I wrote on Friday if the majority were on my side. And they said, purely from a business perspective, WWE should have been able to figure out that "hey, most people are fucking self-righteous douchebags who will probably muster up some amount of outrage if we put this angle on TV, and no matter how retarded they are, it's better if we don't piss off the majority of our audience." Heh. Well played to you folks. I actually think that's a pretty reasonable assessment... leave the Sense Talking to guys like me, but it's WWE's job to just consider what their fans want, not to teach them how not to be obnoxious assholes. WWE probably did cause itself undo aggravation by moving ahead with the angle, and although they're not the ones wrong here, they are the ones who have to deal with it.  A little foresight might have led them to realize this isn't a battle worth fighting. I can buy that, I guess. It'll be telling to see if/how they address the issue next week on SD!; if this gets swept under the rug, WWE might actually be applying this logic, retroactively, to the situation.
   
  And then, of course, you had the even-larger numbers of e-mails from people just cluelessly sticking to their guns that "WWE is evil for running that angle after London) and from people who wanted to thank me for being the lone voice of reason on this issue. But there's nothing interesting about the ramblings of retards, and reprinting any of the ass-kissery I got would just be blatant self-promotion. And I prefer to keep my self-promotion more subtle.
   
  So I think that's probably my last word on this issue. Think it through people, and you can hate the Hassan Terror Cell because it's Bad Wrestling. But you'll have a bitch of a time convincing me that it was in such horrifyingly Bad Taste that it's worth complaining about.
   
  
• Matt Hardy is a Free Man. For him, it's the Eleventh of July that is his Independence Day, as his 90-day no-compete clause with WWE is up.
   
  Matt has Ring of Honor commitments this weekend, and in a new online commentary made some pretty strong hints about *ahem* The Nice Alternative down in Orlando. The Nice Alternative, by the way, which just so happens to have a PPV this weekend.
   
  You may be curious about where Matt and WWE stand, and frankly, so am I; the two sides definitely spoke 2-3 weeks ago, and for a while there, it seemed like Matt could be back in WWE. But his latest round of online comments certain belie that. In addition to the standard name calling directed at Edge, Matt decided to rage against Lita, too, saying that their post-relationship friendship is over because of her bad behavior. Which, if taken at face value, would certainly seem like something that would dilute his chances of ending up back in WWE. But who the hell knows at this point what is to be taken at face value and what is not?
   
  It's like I said a few weeks ago, though: Matt's ROH and non-televised Indy appearances don't matter in terms of possible WWE negotiations... it's only if Matt shows up on TNA this weekend that we can write off a near-term WWE return, since they'd almost certainly want him locked into a long-term (at least one-year) contract before pushing him. We'll have to see.
   
  
• Rhyno's also been a free man for about a week, and has been confirmed as appearing at Sunday's TNA PPV. In what role? I have no idea... I don't even know where he might fit, since lord knows I got better things to do with my time than sit in my office watching streaming video on my computer. So I'm not exactly up on TNA's latest happenings. 
   
  But that said, Rhyno's definitely a guy who I think will have more value to TNA than most of their choices for WWE Reject Pick-ups. The way I'd measure that would be to point out that Rhyno's a guy who usually got a crowd reaction larger than his spot on the card would dictate (unlike X-Pac or Billy Gunn, who for the most part seemed to get crowd reactions less than what their pushes dictated)... it's kind of a metric I use in my head to determine Guys Fans Want To See More Of as opposed to Guys Fans Would Be Happy Seeing Less Of. Rhyno's definitely in the former category.
  
  My understanding is that Rhyno will not be able to use "Rhyno" as his TNA ring name, since that was a special misspelling created for trademark purposes by WWE. But "Rhino" or "Rhino Richards" (his ECW and pre-ECW names) are probably gonna be just fine. The guy just needs to get some new tights made up, and I think all will be well.
   
  
• We talked on Friday about Jim Cornette being released from his duties as the Head Guy In Charge of OVW... and we talked about a few possible names of replacements.
   
  Well, the new guy in charge of OVW (on a temporary basis) is one name we did NOT talk about on Friday. Because replacing Jim Cornette as OVW's head booker and creative force is.... Paul Heyman.
   
  Huh. For one, there's the irony. But for two, even if it's just for a month or so until WWE figures out a more permanent fix, I'm suddenly WAY more interested to get a fresh parcel of OVW vids than I've been in... well, in forever. Does Paul E. still have the touch? And if he does, what the hell happens next? Because if Paul E. causes any measurable upswing in OVW's product, WWE's gonna have to take notice... and after the success of ECW's reunion, Paul's stock would only rise higher.
   
  I'm really curious to see how this pans out... and in some regards, I don't envy whoever ends up having to follow Paul on a permanent basis. Unless Heyman just really half-asses it, he'll leave behind a month or two of strong TV that'll serve as an indication of what is possible, even at the indie level, as long as you got the head for it.
   
  
• No additional releases from WWE as of yet, but it's possible another small round will be forthcoming after this week's TV. I dunno for sure, but I was under the impression there were a few more...
   
  Something interesting about WWE.com's "coverage" of the releases, though: they are publishing interviews with the releasees, which is odd enough. Kind of adds a "storyline" feel to the whole thing, although it could also be as simple as WWE.com wanting a few more marginal page views, and the fired talents not wanting to burn any bridges, so they do the interviews, anyway. Matt Morgan, particularly, came off well in his kiss-off interview, and I'm more sure than ever that WWE is gift-wrapping the guy for some other company where he'd be the ONLY 7-footer, instead of one of 3-4, and could trade on that while he continues to improve as an overall performer.
   
  But then there's something REALLY strange: because WWE.com is also publishing nonterviews. By which I mean: they'll make you click a page to read "Billy Kidman declined to speak to WWE.com." Same with D-Von Dudley. Unless you're going to have 20 pages, with the same "Refused to comment" line for everybody, it's damned peculiar that WWE.com would go out of its way to publish the "no comment" of some, but not all, of the releasees. This all just continues to feel very strange, but that also doesn't mean there's any conspiracy afoot here: it just means WWE is behaving differently than they have in the past.
   
  
• Oh, and you want to talk about Gift-Wrapping: as soon as the Dudleys' contracts expire in late August, they've already got their first indie booking: against Matt Hardy and Rhyno at some little show in Pennsylvania. Hey, I'd pay to see that match. Why wouldn't WWE think I'd want to pay THEM to see it? Baffling...
   
  
• Speaking of the Dudleys: they will remain "Bubba and D-Von Dudley" in their post-WWE careers. Found out over the weekend that Paul Heyman signed over the gimmicks to them just before they went to the WWF. It was partly a formality to allow them to take the gimmicks with them to the WWF, but it was also a reward for their years of hard work, since now Bubba and D-Von owned their own names, instead of having Paul "license" the name to the WWF (in which case, when WWE bought up ECW's assets, WWE would have owned the Dudley name).
   
  What is not clear is whether or not this applies to Spike Dudley, too. My guess would be "probably," but I'd also not bet on it.
   
  
• I think that's about all I got for you here today. Unless I want to scrap bottom and offer up pointless minutiae or try to convince you that I give even half-a-shit about Hulk Hogan's media blitz for his stupid new TV show... which I don't.
   
  So I'll just get on getting, and see you again on Wednesday. Later on, folks....