We've got Lord Alfred Hayes passing away.

We've got Ivory being released by WWE.

We've got UPN forcing WWE's hand with regards to Muhammad Hassan.

And mostly, we've got me practically   

BEGGING for any excuse I can find to not have to put myself through the torture of trying to figure out why the Great American Bash is supposed to be worth your $35.

But then, as I sit here, I realize this is my cross to bear. This is my duty. Even with a roster shuffle last month, we might be sitting here staring a SD!-brand PPV in the face, wondering, "Why?"... but that's when OO's big-ass Team Coverage PPV Preview comes to the rescue to try to do what WWE cannot: make you care about at least SOME of the matches on this card!

Looking for a silver lining, my mind keeps going back to one simple observation: this year's Bash cannot possibly be as bad as last year's. I think it's scientifically impossible. And that leads to a related silver lining, since any mention of last year's GAB is a good excuse to go back and re-read this column I wrote shortly after the PPV exposing the Totally True and Not Even Remotely Made-Up Story of WHY the Bash went the way it did. It wound up being the second-best thing I wrote all year last year.

[pause]

OK, so I didn't just put that link in for YOUR benefit, *I* just went back and re-read that thing for the first time in a while, now. And now, goddammit, this stupid PPV Preview *still* needs to get written. I need to quit dicking around and get to business.

Sunday's Great American Bash has an announced 8-match card. Let's see if the Assembled trOOps can't find a few more silver linings; as tends to be the case, some of them are more generous/enthusiastic than I am... perhaps THEY will offset my curmudgeonliness? The only way to find out is to read on....
 

BATISTA vs. JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD
World Heavyweight Title Match

Starting right at the top, SD! is serving up what could be most-charitably called "Not Exactly A Thrilling Main Event."

Although they could have taken the opportunity to let Batista be a bit more outspoken upon his arrival on SD!, and woven in storyline elements dating back to February, when Batista was trying to decide between staying on RAW (to face HHH) or jumping to SD! (where JBL was his most vocal critic), they haven't really gone there. The only mention of that timeframe has actually been by JBL, who twisted it all around into a nonsensical mess about how Batista "robbed him" of his WM21 moment this year by staying on RAW... Whaaaa? I'll hurt myself if I try to think through the logic behind JBL's promo tonight on SD!... suffice to say that the longer-term backstory wasn't really addressed adequately, or by the guy who SHOULD have been addressing it.

Instead, this is a story that is basically three weeks old. When SD! lost WWE Champ John Cena to RAW, Teddy Long originally announced the creation of a new "SD! Title." JBL won the six-man match intended to crown the new "SD! Champion. But that same night, Teddy Long found out that the lost Draft Lottery pick to come over to SD! was World Champ Batista. So he didn't need a SD! Title anymore. As a consolation prize, however, he awarded JBL the first title shot at Batista.

And thus was born what passes for a Main Event Feud. In the couple of weeks since, there have been the requisite promos and sneak attacks. But really, the only one that stands out at all is when Batista attacked JBL in the middle of a "No DQ" match to allow the Blue Meanie to pin JBL. That was... unexpected. Other than that, it's been a lot of JBL running his mouth (and in HHH fashion, you may not be able to deny the intensity of his promos, but you can seriously question the "freshness" of them at this point), and it's been a lot of Batista roughing up JBL's Secretary of Defense, Orlando Jordan, while JBL usually gets off scot-free.

I can't really get too fired up for this match, especially not as a main event. It seems WWE is more convinced of fans' desires to see JBL get his ass kicked than they maybe should be... either that, or after Cena delivered the Definitive Ass Kicking to JBL last month on PPV, they just don't care anymore. Like I said, JBL may be a lot of things, but "fresh" is none of them at this point.

I'm also unsure of how good a match we'll see out of the two. Without a stipulation/gimmick, they'll have to try to just have a standard wrestling match. Both men's resumes are kind of thin in that section (although both have had very good gimmick matches). Combine what could turn out to be punch, stomp, clothesline, punch, stomp, slam, lather, rinse, repeat with what could also be a less-than-enthused crowd, and I wouldn't set the expectations too high for this one.
  

EDDIE GUERRERO vs. REY MYSTERIO
If Eddie Wins, He Reveals Rey's Secret

Hey, look! A storyline! Take a gander, cuz it's really the only one on this whole PPV line-up!

Problem is: it's turned into a pretty freaking lame one.

But first, the old part of the story, which I've had to recap at least twice before in these PPV previews, and thus will sort of gloss over quickly: going back to last fall, Rey and Eddie were involved in the Tag Title picture, but each with different partners. During that phase, Rey got the better of Eddie in a couple of matches, with it seeming like they were upsets. Then, when Rey and Eddie's respective partners evaporated, they found themselves thrown into a tag team of convenience, even winning the tag titles together. But with Eddie's nephew, Chavo, playing the role of Shit Stirrer Extraordinaire, Eddie was reminded of his past short-comings against Rey. So to try to prove himself and regain his confidence, Eddie challenged Rey to a match at WM21; the two friends and tag champs wrestled a mostly clean contest, and Rey again scored the win. Eddie's frustration grew, and he and Rey lost the Tag Team Titles a few weeks later as a result. A full-on heel turn followed, and Eddie again challenged Rey at the next PPV. This time, it was not a battle between friends, it was an all out war, but STILL Rey scored the win. So for about 6 months, Rey managed to pitch a shut out against Eddie.

Which brings us to the new part of the story. The lame part.

Not content to try to just settle this business in the ring, Eddie decided one week to take a camera crew out to find Rey's son, Dominick, playing in a park. There, he creepily doled out Twizzler-brand licorice sticks to the kid, while offering to tell him a surprising bed time story about his dad. But of course, he didn't spill it right then and there because.... well.... ummm... because.... uhhhh... I don't know. But for a guy so intent on telling the secret, he sure was quick to NOT tell it... like I said: this story? Makes no sense. And as a result, holds limited appeal for me.

Eddie has continued to want to tell the secret in subsequent weeks, but either Rey would do something to placate him, or Eddie's own family would show up to beg him not to tell, or something. Finally, Eddie proposed that he and Rey wrestle one more time: and if Rey wins, Eddie will keep the secret locked up forever, but if Eddie wins, then the whole world gets to hear "the truth." Ugh. So dumb; but that part of my rant doesn't belong here. It'll go down in my prediction/analysis box. So be sure to not skip that.

The presentation of the whole thing has been very cheesy and melodramatic. Very soap-opera-y. In an attempt to seem "real" by introducing Rey and Eddie's real-life-families, all they've managed to do is create a storyline that (to me) could not be more fake and eyeball-roll-inducing. This just isn't how normal people act. And if you counter that by saying, "Yeah, but sometimes for dramatic effect, you need to have character act out of the ordinary," I would REcounter by saying that maybe you're right, but under no circumstances should you have them act OUT OF CHARACTER if a character has already been established.

For a fine example of totally retarded character reassignment, see Angle Comma Kurt, and his month-long fetish for monkey sex with other men's wives.

In this case, there was simply NOTHING established in the past to make this a compelling next step. Nothing in Eddie's character, nothing in Rey's character, just BAM, all of a sudden here's Eddie making inappropriate moves on Rey's son and claiming to have a secret. Inventing new character traits and story threads out of the blue, without any attempt at laying a groundwork and planting a few seeds is lazy. It's poor storytelling, and even the Hollywood Writer Monkeys should know it. Then again, if they come from a background where the solution to a flailing show is to "re-tool" it by completely altering the characters and premise of the show without ever trying to explain the changes to the audience, maybe they think this is being clever. "Just when you thought you'd seen it all, we'll have Kurt Angle dry-hump Booker T's wife in the ring, and turn Eddie Guerrero into a creepy guy who wants nothing more than to be in a little boy's bedroom telling him a story and feeding him suggestively-shaped candy. YEAH! We're EVER SO SMART!" Idiots.

The "secret" has been presented as being something that will affect both Eddie and Rey's family. The red herring that they threw out there tonight on SD! is that Eddie has know's Rey's wife for a long time. And how old is Dominick again? Did Eddie do something he shouldn't have back when he was under the influence of all them pills? Has Rey kept the secret of his son's true parentage from the boy? And if so: DO ANY OF US GIVE A SHIT?!?

I can answer only the final question with authority. That answer is: no.

Of course, the fact that they kind of tried to make you think that was the secret might mean that it's NOT the secret. One can only hope that WWE's Creative Team actually went into this thing knowing "the secret" so that they could most effectively get to the Big Revelation and have it be something both (a) satisfactorily big to justify all the hullabaloo, and (b) satisfactorily non-retarded. I'll just cross my fingers and hope for one of the two, maybe. But I really don't have much faith that this will turn out well... and how fucking hard do you have to try to screw up my interest in a Rey vs. Eddie match, dammit? That should be damned near impossible.

For whatever it's worth, these two STILL haven't had that one, definitive, blow-away match in their series, yet... and with all this storyline stuff hanging over their heads on Sunday, I don't see this being the one. It still oughta be dramatic and well-worked, but I see this being more about psychology and storytelling than about full-speed moves and countermoves.
  

UNDERTAKER vs. MUHAMMAD HASSAN
#1 Contender Match

Oh, there's a story here, too. But it's not the one that's on TV. In fact, the story is that Hassan hasn't been seen on TV in 2 weeks. And may or may not be seen on TV ever again, if you believe everything you read.

The "TV Story" (or what feebly passes for it): Hassan got drafted over to SD! and immediately started flapping his gums about how awesome he was on RAW, and how now he'll do the same and run roughshod over everybody on the SD! roster. That didn't set well with SD!'s resident ass-kicking veteran, the Undertaker, who took issue with some of Hassan's verbiage. Hassan, like a good alpha male, got out of dodge while Taker took up the issue with Daivari. Hassan and Taker both wound up in the six-man match for the "SD! Title," and took each other out of that match. Another week later, and Hassan talked Daivari into sacrificing himself for the good of "the cause," and after Taker crushed Daivari, some guys in ski masks attacked the Undertaker. The insinuation and imagery was not exactly subtle, and marked the first time the Hassan character did anything that might be construed as "terrorist-like". But it still takes a mighty douchebag to get worked up over it. After that "terror cell" attack, Hassan was taken off TV at the behest of UPN, but was placed in a #1 Contender's match against Taker at the Bash. There has been nothing further in the "TV Story" since the "Terror Cell" incident.

Of course, then there's the Behind the Scenes Story, which got a lot weirder the past few days.... because apparently now, UPN has successfully gotten WWE to agree to eliminate the Muhammad Hassan character entirely. In a move that I don't understand AT ALL, WWE.com has even acknowledged this on their website, saying that the future of Hassan after SummerSlam is cloudy. Either they're willingly giving away a finish to a PPV match, or there's more here than meets the eye.

I'll spare you any more of my pontificating about how anybody who was that offended by the Terror Cell is a moron... it's still just as true whether I spend 5 words talking about it, or 5000. But I did think that was a bad CREATIVE move by WWE, as it changed the direction of the Hassan character for the worse... even then, however, it was something that could have been fixed without too much trouble. And now, what we SEEM to have is UPN stepping in, completely failing to comprehend the situation like rational adults, and ordering WWE to do something that will only result in MORE bad creative moves.

Because, simply put, the best creative move for WWE, for ratings, and thus, for UPN, would have been for Hassan to go over Taker at the Bash. Hassan can then challenge Batista for the World Title at SummerSlam (held in Washington DC, where the symbolism could flow like wine, if WWE wanted it to), and be Batista next "lamb" before finally moving into a REAL feud with Lesnar. Meantime, Taker's loss can be caused by the returning Randy Orton (who, in a "fuck you" to UPN and douchebag critics, should attack Taker in a "Terror Cell" costume, proving that, sometimes, plain old dumb non-terrorist white guys can wear ski-masks, too), setting up their feud.

Instead, now we have a deal where Taker might have to win because of idiot TV executives. And Batista/Taker is simply NOT the right next play for Batista at this point of his reign.

And what would become of Hassan? Well, some say he'll just go back to OVW until WWE can decide what to do with him. Even if Viacom are dicks and say "Hey, if we didn't want this guy on UPN, we also don't want him on Spike," it's only a few months till RAW goes back to USA (where management is a little more WWE-friendly when it comes to having more reasonable boundaries of "good taste"). And it's simply not in Vince's character to roll over like this, so I fully expect Hassan to not be "killed off" (as some are saying), even if he does have to take a little break.

All I ask: PLEASE, WWE, I'm beggin' ya.... Kerwin White does NOT have two brothers of equally-dubious caucasionosity, if you catch my drift, OK? Although maybe it would be funny to see them show up on RAW with new haircuts and in Country Club Douche Gear, play along with Kerwin for about 2 minutes, tops, thank him for helping them get jobs here on RAW, and then just do a complete 180 out of nowhere and beat the shit out of Kerwin, "shoot" all over UPN and idiot critics for forcing them into such ridiculous costumes, and basically make it clear that they are here to be every bit as Ay-rab (and as Ay-hole) as they ever were before. And the ultimate irony would be that in this scenario, I bet they'd get over as babyfaces. Because this time, they'll really be RIGHT when they talk about the discrimination they've dealt with and the assholes who tried to keep them down. And there's nothing wrestling fans like better than feeling like part of a REAL "Us vs. the World" storyline...

What I'd *REALLY* like to see would be for WWE to just have the balls to try something truly innovative here: honor UPN's request to not feature the Hassan character, but have Hassan still beat Taker at the Bash and get the World Title Match at SummerSlam. Hassan becomes the wrestler who is Too Hot For TV. You have to pay to see him, not just on PPV but on house shows. And with their newfound hard-on for running internet angles, Hassan could become an entirely WWE.com character, with weekly promos (and even matches) that are only available on the internet. It'd make for a weird month of booking Batista on TV up through SummerSlam, but I think it might be worth it if you handle Hassan's side of it properly. C'mon, Vince: for once, be incredibly stubborn about something worthwhile... SAVE MUHAMMAD HASSAN!
  

ORLANDO JORDAN vs. CHRIS BENOIT
United States Title Match

The story? BWAAAAAA! Good one.

The US Title has been invisible since Jordan took it from John Cena 6 months ago. It is in DIRE need of rehabilitation. 

Chris Benoit is fresh back from RAW, won a #1 Contender match over Booker T, and appears to be just the man for the rehab job.

To be honest, I don't remember a single real incident between OJ and Benoit leading up to this match. Even when Batista was getting 2-on-1 beatdowns from OJ and JBL, they never bothered to move ahead and do the logical Batista/Benoit vs. OJ/JBL tag match. Morons.

This shouldn't be bad, but it also doesn't project out to be "good." The right play is to keep this short and sweet. You don't necessarily want to bury Orlando, but you can't have Benoit's Fixing of the US Title start with him needing much more than 6-8 minutes to relieve Jordan of it. Not even if you play up the angle of Benoit still hurting after that sweet-ass match he had against Eddie tonight on SD!... cuz frankly, OJ should still be hurting from the beating Batista put on him at the end of the show, too. So it evens out, and Benoit's superiority over Jordan remains at full strength.
  

MNM vs. ROAD WARRIOR ANIMAL/HEIDENREICH
WWE Tag Team Title Match

Oh, what a mess.

Heidenreich has been on a herky-jerky, stop-and-go ride the past two months with MNM. And after a whole bunch of false starts where it seemed like Heidenreich's new friend was gonna be Michelle McCool (to counteract Melina), to where it seemed like WWE was clearly setting the stage for Eugene to show up as Heidenriech's friend and tag partner, this is where we end up, instead...

Heidenreich was again the victim of a numbers game against MNM when out comes Road Warrior Animal to make the save. That was certainly out of left field. A joking challenge is offered by MNM to Animal, and then it is rescinded when they remember that Hawk is dead. And Muhammad Hassan's Terror Cell is the most offensive thing you've seen on SD! in the last month? Heidenreich restrained Animal, and offered to be his partner for a match. Animal accepted, and thus was made a PPV contest.

Animal and Heidenreich wrestled a pair of jobbers and destroyed them in 30 seconds tonight on SD!. I expect the new twist at the PPV will be "Hawkenreich" in full face-paint and spikes. I also expect that I will not care.

I mean, it's a cute little nostalgia deal to do this, but it's ultimately a DVD sales ploy, not anything that's got any legs. And any match that's gonna be predicated on Heidenreich doing an extended sequence as the Babyface In Peril doesn't exactly get my mouth watering, either. This is another one where "short and sweet" would be a good thing.
  

BOOKER T vs. CHRISTIAN

Another one where it's really hard to tell a story.

Cuz basically, Christian showed up on SD! after being drafted, started talking really big about how he was gonna take over the show, and despite being eliminated ignominiously from the "SD! Title" six-man match, and then getting squashed by Batista a week later, he didn't let that diminish his self-confidence.

So he got himself a match with the 5-time WCW Champ, Booker T, and he won it. But via means so nefarious (Christian brutalized Booker before the match started, and once the bell finally rang, he only needed one Unprettier to win) that a PPV rematch was inevitable.

Call this one the "Nothing Better To Do" Special for the PPV... cuz both these guys deserve better. My hope is that since they got stuck with each other in a match buried on the undercard, they'll take it upon themselves to remind everybody that both deserve better by going out and trying to steal the show.
  

TORRIE WILSON vs. MELINA
Bra And Panties Match; Candace Michelle is Special Ref

Ugh. And the hits just keep on failing to come.

So Torrie Wilson was looking at a copy of SD! Magazine (on which she just so happened to be the Cover Girl). This caught the eye of Melina, who has had just about enough of Torrie's attitude. Because Torrie's old and fat and stuff, and Melina is the NEW Head Diva In Charge around here. Some VERY bad acting later, and Torrie had managed to get around to making a challenge to Melina for a Bra and Panties Match at the PPV.

A week later, for reasons unknown (other than to give Erin a reason to use the name "Boobies McTitsalot" in her PPV picks), Candace Michelle is magically inserted as the guest referee. 
  

THE bWo vs. THE MEXICOOLS

I have no idea where this one came from at all. But I'll take it. Afterall, I was the genius who made the following half-assed observation in a column immediately after the Mexicools' debuts:

"After the beatdown, the Mexicools did some  perversely-engaging borderline-unintelligible ranting. Apparently, they are Taking Over. I wonder if they consulted the bWo?"
         --  The Me, July Somethingth 2005

It seemed like an obvious move, it's just a shame that they completely failed to do anything on TV to build it up... depending on how healthy Stevie is, there's a very good chance that this match could be as good as any on the card. And yeah, I know that's a back-handed compliment at best, given the nature of the rest of the card. But in addition to some fast paced action, I fully expect the bWo to bring The Funny. And that's always good for a few points, too...
  

EXTRAS/CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

Eight announced matches means it's a pretty loaded show, already.... but you know how we roll: the PPV Preview does not end until the trOOps explore EVERY possible angle. Here are their closing thoughts...
  

Did we get you fired up for the Bash? Well, if not, that's OK because ANOTHER service OO proudly provides is full PPV coverage on Sunday night. My immediate post-show recap will be posted sometime around midnight (eastern), and I'll have even more thoughts and fall-outs in the regularly scheduled Monday column.

See you then, kids.....