Note to "Time" magazine: you were right to change the "Man of the Year" Award to "Person of the Year" back a few years ago. But if you're going to puss out and split the award three ways, don't go all pretentious on us by calling it the "Persons of the Year" Award.
  

Just call it "PEOPLE of the Year," and be done with it, dammit. Or are you worried that if you put that word in big letters on your cover, people might too-easily confuse you with a rag-tastic weekly publication only slightly less relevant than your own?

I'm also against this apparent new practice where "Time" feels like they can just invent a group of

But I'll let that second gripe slide this year, if only because I think it'd be hilarious to be at a party where Bill Gates and Bono are the two guests of honor. Socially awkward technodorks co-mingling with the Rock Glitterati... just the people-watching alone would be magnificent. Not to mention the fact that no matter how big a rush Gates or Bono are in to give away money to those in need, I have a feeling they'd throw themselves a pretty posh bash. And there's no feeling finer than drinking Scotch that you know is older than you are.

I'll just say that if OO had to break the "People of the Year" tie, OO would go with Bono as the single winner. I mean, debt relief? Yay. AIDS awareness? Yippee. Making sure there were at least a couple decent rock videos on the MTV over the course of the year? Bravo. But what I'll always remember about Bono's 2005 is a White House Photo Op, where he got to shake hands with Parsdent George W. Bush. Someday, 25 years from now, I'd love to have a son in a rock band, following in his old man's footsteps by printing up flyers for an upcoming show with a picture of a Conservative US President incongruously shaking hands with a godless rock 'n' roll icon. Because everybody loves their rock shows to be Government Approved, baby! Some things are just timeless, and Bono has insured that this Unintentional Comedy Staple will live on for at least one more generation. Kudos to you, Bono! 

And I guess we have to talk about some wrestling today? I'll try to make it quick and painless:

• Last night, the wrestling world lost one of its true under-appreciated heroes. Tim White tragically took his own life last night; he was only -- oh, let's say -- 47 years old.
   
  Best known to wrestling fans as merely a referee -- and one who has been forcibly retired due to injury for over 2 years --  White actually leaves a much more enduring legacy behind... for the entirety of Andre the Giant's massively successful 1980's run in the WWF, White was the man responsible for getting Andre from show to show, making the travel accommodations for Andre's immense size, and being a much needed friend and anchor during long trips on the road. 
   
  Think of all the great Andre memories you have from your childhood (or, if you're a young whippersnapper, from your videotapes/DVDs)... and then realize that it's not hyperbole to say that Hogan/Andre at WrestleMania 3 could not have happened without the unsung hero that is Tim White.
   
  But before we can fully document and appreciate Tim White's myriad contributions to the wrestling business, we have to go back and quickly recap his early life and how he grew into the quiet behind-the-scenes giant that he was.
   
  White's humble New England beginnings were....
   
  Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I have neither the patience nor the desire to justify WWE's retardation by putting my A-game into a joke obituary/tribute to Tim White, who apparently "committed suicide" last night on PPV while Josh Matthews and a cameraman stood around and made sure we got reaction-takes. Nee haw. 
   
  I know there's people out there who think I'm only at my writer-y best when somebody dies and I step it up for the tribute columns.... but I have my limits, folks. I don't know where the line is, but eulogizing Tim White is past it. On the other hand, I still remember when the kid from "SeaQuest" died and somebody on the forums dared me to bring my Obituary Skill to the table to try to make the kid sounds like a superstar. And 1500 words later, I had left everybody in awe of my bullshitting ability.
   
  Sorry, Timmy, but till you really die, I can't do this. I'm sure you're a sweet man, and I should probably be more diplomatic just in case I ever find myself thirsty in Rhode Island and in the mood to drink on-the-house, but.... your pretend PPV death is not grounds for Pretend Fond Memories. It's grounds for some combination of vocal outrage and quiet frustration at WWE's stupidity.
   
  The only thing that *really* died last night was one of the few remaining shreds of faith that I have that somebody at WWE actually realizes what the fuck they're doing and will get around to fixing things before too long.
   
  For those who somehow missed it, I am being totally serious here: on last night's Armageddon PPV, Josh Matthews tried to interview White about how injuries suffered inside Hell in the Cell led to the end of his referee career. By the end of the apparently-awful segment, White grabbed a shotgun, walked off screen, and we heard a gunshot while Matthews just stood there gawking and his cameraman stood there making sure we got every action packed second of Matthews gawking.
   
  I didn't see it, but I don't have to in order to know just how lame this must have been. The worst thing is, WWE actually has a few guidelines that they claim to stick to (in order to placate investors)... the promise no rape, no gunplay, and no death in their storylines, or something like that. You shouldn't fricking NEED these guidelines to know what belongs in pro wrestling stories and what doesn't, but apparently, WWE feels the need to spell out a few things. And then, even though the guidelines are so self-evident that they shouldn't even need to be codified, WWE will still go out sometimes and violate them.
   
  So what I'd warn everybody to brace for is something not unlike last summer, when the on-PPV death of Paul Bearer was retroactively re-written to be nothing more than mild complications stemming from inhalation of concrete. Brilliant, WWE, brilliant. In order to bring themselves back into accordance with their own guidelines, look for some back-peddling announcement about how Tim White has discovered ANOTHER thing at which he's a failure. He failed as a ref, as a husband, and as a businessman.... but now, to make sure WWE doesn't break it's own rules, he's also going to have to be a failure at self-inflicted gunshottery. I'm sure that'll do wonders for his psyche.
   
  For those wondering why such a skit would even fit into a PPV? Well, on SD! this weekend, they were showing a bunch of old clips of the most brutal Hell in the Cell moments from past matches, trying to convey some sense of possible career-ending-ness (since that did tie into Orton's on-going claim that he was going to forcibly retire the Undertaker). In reality, the only career that really *was* ended indirectly by HitC was Tim White's.... he suffered a shoulder injury in 2002, and despite attempting a comeback, had to hang up the zebra stripes for good in 2003 when he re-injured himself and was told that he'd be at constant risk for re-injury if he continued trying to work as a ref. 
   
  So of course it makes sense to try to tell his story, if you're trying to make the Cell seem like a brutal environment, right? I can *almost* see the logic there.... what I can't see is what in the blue fuck WWE thinks they accomplished by offing a "character" that few (if any) give two shits about. I suppose what they think they've accomplished is that they got us talking, actually.
   
  Well kudos to you, WWE. And thank you, I guess. Because you're ass-hattedness means that more people will be coming to check out OO to see if what they heard about the PPV was for real, and then they'll be going on the Forums to talk about how stupid you are, and then come Friday, they sure as hell won't be watching SD! to see what you try to do to top yourselves. "Controversy Creates Cash," eh, Vince? Not all the time, it doesn't. Muhammad Hassan pressing all kinds of buttons? That was a cash cow killed off way too soon by spineless network goons.... the on-air suicide of an ex-referee? That's only a "controversy" among the class of fans who care enough about your product that we like to point out your copious fuck-ups and offer constructive criticism; among the rank and file fans, the only thing you accomplished was a reportedly VERY small smattering of confused BOOs when your little suicide skit ended. You didn't shock anybody, you didn't create the kind of buzz that'll mean an instant quarter-point ratings gain.... you just insured that an already-mediocre-at-best PPV will now be remembered for years to come. 
   
  Remembered as WrestleCrap. 
   
  Seriously, it's getting to the point where I'm wondering if this awfulness isn't being done on purpose, afterall. It's been my long-standing and out-spoken opinion that those in charge at WWE honestly have the best intentions, that they want to make money, and realize that to make money they must entertain the fans. I, thus, believe that all creative fuck-ups are just accidents, or convergences of Inappropriate Personnel (the indefensible hiring of failed Hollywood writers, combined with the re-shuffling of the Talent Relations department) with a Lack of Motivation (due to WWE lacking any direct wrestling competition). But everytime WWE out-dumbs itself, I find myself almost starting to believe all the "jack-off" e-mails I get who suggest the Stephanie McMahon is willfully evil and untalented, and is screwing things up on purpose. 
   
  Let's put it this way: the creative process -- whether it's writing, music, whatever -- is not something learned. It's innate, and you've either got it or you don't. But even if WWE's got this hard-on for only hiring writers who have the resume of a Hollywood Writer (while automatically excluding any intelligent, creative, nimble-minded person who doesn't need to take a 300-level course in "college" to gain a grasp on writing dialogue that sounds like real people), there *is* still something "learn-able" about the creative aspects of pro wrestling. It's a simple matter of knowing the form, knowing what works, knowing what won't, and understanding the truly unique aspects of this particular genre of live performance art. And it's HERE that WWE is really screwing the pooch.
   
  For the past 2 years, now, it seems like decisions are being made that go against every shred of common sense, and are in defiance of what seem (to me) to be pretty glaring and obvious anecdotal data. Everything from the babyface push of Randy Orton, to the creation of a new TV-PG "Fule Rucking" petulant wigger John Cena, to the recent preponderence of Gay Spooky... it's stuff that might make sense to a Hollywood Writer, but it's stuff that -- if you've been watching and paying attention to wrestling for years and years, noticing what works, what doesn't, and why -- should have been nipped in the bud, before they became problems.
   
  In the creative process, there are two ways to go: one is just to have one strong-willed person force his/her vision, and have the confidence that it's a good vision and that people will like it. The other is to be highly collaborative, which is what WWE's currently trying to do as they have a phalanx of about a dozen writers doing a job that I still don't comprehend how it couldn't be done much-better by maybe 4 people (two on each brand). And when collaborating, that's when you need to put a filter on yourself so you only waste the group's time with worthwhile, on-topic contributions. Or when -- if working with pretentious, insecure arteeestic types who will never filter their own vision despite agreeing to work in the collaborative environment -- you need somebody who can act as that filter for the group.
   
  WWE doesn't have that filtering going on, now. Idiot writers with no grasp on what works in wrestling are not self-censoring themselves, obviously. They are just blurting out whatever inane bullshit passes through their JJ-Abrams-addled minds. And apparently, pissing off the fans is preferable to hurting the feelings of one of these delicate arteests, because it seems nobody is stepping up to say, "Um, no, Potsie, there is no fucking way that craptacular idea is ever seeing the light of day. In fact, you should never have spoken it out loud. You have done nothing but waste our time, and made us all a little bit stupider for even having had to sit through listening to your retarded idea."
   
  It's quite telling to me that, as the WWE creative department grows bigger and more "Hollywood-ized," the on-screen product seems to grow more and more disconnected from being fan-friendly. Few, if any, on the staff seem to have that instinctual ability to just KNOW what will and won't work with wrestling fans (call this "Wrestling IQ"), and the ones who do seem to have been cowed into silence by the environment, since they don't speak up to put the kibosh on crappy ideas. Look: Hollywood writers thinking "outside the box" might have one good, creative idea out of 10 that'll work in wrestling and that I would never have thought of myself... but that's no excuse for letting them get the other 9 on TV without there being some kind of filter, goddammit. You're running a fricking multi-million dollar company here, not a pre-school; it's OK to hurt some feelings and point out when a writer has contributed the Hollywood Version of a crappy macaroni sculpture, if it'll learn him to only contribute stronger, more-on-topic material to the team. Now more than ever, WWE needs The Stupid Patrol to exercise final veto power over what makes it to air.
   
  Cuz some of this stuff, it's just plain getting ridiculous. You've got a dozen people doing the job that should take maybe one-third the manpower, and you've got them doing it so badly that it actually makes me angry. This isn't a hard job if you have the right people doing it; I'm not saying it isn't a draining and time-consuming job to do well, but I'm saying it shouldn't be NEARLY as hard as WWE's writer monkeys make it look to churn out sustainably-entertaining episodic TV that builds to a dozen or so truly compelling PPVs per year.
   
  
• And anyway, that rant comes from a place in my brain that is growing increasingly frustrated that my own vision for the Fantasy OO Road to WrestleMania 22 grows more and more concrete with each passing Sunday afternoon of crapulence where I sit on my couch, sort of watching TV, but mostly just trying to re-hydrate and letting my mind wander... and yet, one dozen highly paid chimps probably don't have anything down on paper much past next week's TV shows. And if they do, it probably sucks...
   
  But we were talking about the Armageddon PPV, which had a lot more to it than Tim White committing suicide. 
   
  It also had a very good Booker/Benoit match, which was universally praised as the best of the night. MNM/Mexicools also reviewed very well, with many putting it slightly above the over-long and under-paced Orton/Taker HitC main event. If praise for Booker/Benoit was universal, so was the utter disappointment that many felt about the RAW/SD! tag match, which clocked in at about half-as-long as I would have guessed and limped to a confoundingly-anti-climactic finish.
   
  I'm not sorry I took a pass on this one, folks. Nothing I've seen from those of you who saw the show makes me feel like I'll be going out of my way to see it (via either legal or illegal means) in the near future. In fact, I got a funny story from OO's Man In Vegas -- where they go Hooters one step further and actually screen WWE PPVs at a strip club -- who said that people began trickling out of the TV/bar area to go look at bOObies throughout the second half of the show, leaving only an anemic crowd of loyalists by the time HitC happened. Heh.
   
  For my money, if the only thing that stuck out as notable good was Benoit/Booker, well, then.... let's just say they've got 3 more matches to go in that series, and I'll just wait for them to top themselves on a show I *do* watch.
   
  For full details of the night's action -- which sounds like it was guite promising for about an hour or so before heading downhill fast -- check out Kara Hays' Armageddon PPV Recap. Hey, even if you're not all that interested in the show, it's a recap on OO by somebody who can accurately identify members of MNM who aren't Melina. Who knows when that'll ever happen again?
   
  
• Armageddon created a whole OTHER slew of headaches, too, besides the frustration over WWE's apparent inability to self-censor their dumbest ideas.
   
  That's because, at the conclusion of 2005's PPV Year, Online Onslaught dot com has to pull a "Time" Magazine, and split our PPV Predictions Crown two ways. And neither half belongs to me, goddammit.
   
  After going into the show with a slim lead in terms of raw percentage, I'm pretty sure I turned in a 3-for-6 showing at Armageddon; at least, according to PF's stats, a certain "Erick Scainderson" hit .500 for the PPV. That bumped me down to second place, one measly match behind Matt Hocking.
   
  In terms of our Weighted Points scheme, Adam Gutschmidt retained his lead to take that half of the crown (and I again finished second).
   
  So congrats to Matt and Adam. I guess what I'll do is take this crown and saw it in half? And then you can each wear your half like a tiara? Something like that, anyway.
   
  Meantime, the award for "Most Improved Prognosticator" is a bottle of whiskey. I award it to Myself, as I went from tied for worst last year to second place this year. Why is the prize for this award bOOze? Simple.... because any year in which I got so much better at thinking like a WWE Writer Monkey is a year in which I need to start aggressively trying to kill whatever braincells are up there causing this cancerous conversion of my intellect. Either that, or I just need to numb the pain.
   
  You can get the full Staff Rankings -- not just for Armageddon picks, but also for the entire year -- in PyroFalkon's 2005 OO PPV Warfare Stats.
   
  
• Catching up on some ratings...
   
  I think I somehow managed (between half-assing it on Wednesday and then having Friday be the PPV preview) to not report last week's RAW rating. It was a 4.1, identical to the week before. Unlike the week before, I would say such a strong number was mostly undeserved...
   
  And this weekend's SmackDown! did a 2.9 rating, holding pretty much rock solid at its present average. I can't remember the last week when SD! deviated from a 2.8 by more than one-tenth either way.
   
  Something kinda interesting about ratings.... starting next week, Nielsen will begin factoring in DVR households before issuing final ratings. The current technology had only allowed for Nielsen to count households that watch a program in real time, as it is broadcast.... but new technology (according to my reading, anyway) will be able to track the viewing of recorded and time-shifted shows, including whether or not show are re-watched before being deleted and what parts of the shows/commercials are replayed or fast-forwarded.
   
  TiVo has had a version of that data for a couple of years (I remember reading that the "most replayed moment" of 2004 was Janet Jackson's exposed Nipple Armor), but this'll be the first time somebody will try to sample DVR viewing habits relatively scientifically. I'm not sure what form the ratings reports will take or what kind of data will be made available to us, but I'd be curious to see what sorts of behaviors are out there among wrestling fans with DVR capability. Just to sort of see how my behaviors match up to others as I try to hone my concept of a "primary" versus "secondary" audience.
   
  Although DVRs are still in relatively few US homes, all the cool kids already have it. Oh, I mean: within 18 months, it's projected that over one-quarter of US homes will have some form of DVR ability, and that by the end of 2008, it could be over half.
   
  
• Don't expect SD!'s ratings to hold up this coming weekend. The show will be a year-in-review deal. Following last night's PPV, both brands get a full week off, and don't return to action until next Monday's live RAW.
  
  
• In fact, with WWE basically taking this week off from fresh TV shows (please, the sooner we stop talking about Armageddon, the sooner it'll go away), the episodes of TNA Impact that bookend the week could well be the most exciting wrestling on the tube for this 10 day stretch.
   
  This weekend's show was.... well, an odd bird.
   
  It seems like they very badly want to move forward a Homegrown TNA vs. WWE/ECW/WCW Castoffs feud, now. But after this weekend, they're doing it without actually -- you know? -- DOING IT. I don't know if it's intentional, or what the reasons might be, but Jarrett's rallying of the troops was done so nebulously and so obliquely that I don't think anybody outside of TNA's hardest of hardcores would have latched on to what he was selling...
   
  And when you have to read between the lines to understand that Jarrett is only offering membership to homegrown TNA guys because he thinks there's a conspiracy afoot to bring in outsiders to dethrone him, it kind of takes all the sizzle away from what could be a fairly compelling storyline. Either you go full-out with it, and spell it out, and admit "Hey, our rosters gotten a lot better the last few months, and it's because WWE handed us a few gifts on a silver platter".... or you don't do the storyline at all. Because all this dancing around the issue, all this trying to hint at the storyline without actually saying anything that might tip viewers off to the OMG SHOCKING~! revelation that maybe TNA was hurting on star power until recent influxes of talent, it's just not gonna create the kind of buzz you want.
   
  It also doesn't help that if Jarrett's rhetoric is so weak and vague, it makes it that much harder to buy into how he's managed to create such a diverse coalition... I know I don't "get" Monty Brown, but Jason Longshore has assured me that he was on quite the fast-track to genuine superstardom with TNA fans before flirting with heelishness. And I probably couldn't care one way or the other, but knowing that was the case, it made it all the more baffling to see Brown closing out the show by saying, "I don't like you Jarrett, but the things you're saying, they are valid." Ummm, AlphaTard? Jarrett didn't SAY ANYTHING. Nothing substantive, anyway. Although they spin it like Jarrett's under fire from all directions, the truth is that only Christian and the soon-to-debut Sting are legit, marketable threats to Jarrett's title. If it's true that TNA fans were giving Monty real love (and not the sort of "Eugene love" that I thought I saw them give him and his nonsensical promos and ability to bumble his way through a match until he hit one big move), then it'd be so much more useful to have him bolstering that LEGIT title threat list, instead of flaccidly siding with Jarrett. I mean, he'd beat the hell out of Rhino, anyway, who effectively displayed why WWE (and Paul Heyman before WWE) mostly kept Rhino away from microphones... not only is he probably a bit used-up and in need of character rehab following the loss to Jarrett, but Rhino also cracked my ass up by displaying a Goldberg-esque knack for swear words. It's just that instead of "ass," Rhino prefers to interject "bitch" with a frequency and grammatical accuracy that suggests a unique form of Tourettes, or something.
   
  But I digress...
   
  The over-riding theme of the show was obviously trying to paint the background for a TNA vs. WWE/WCW/ECW storyline, just without actually coming out and saying so. Even a few of the littler things -- such as Shannon Moore debuting and promising to be a force in the X Division, and One Of The Hebners (it was Dave) showing up to take notes during a match -- point towards possible other developments in a homegrown vs. outsiders feud. But they'll have to tighten it up and make things a lot more explicit if they want this to crackle and catch one.
   
  I'm gonna liken the situation to what the WWF did with the "inVasion" in 2001... to spineless to actually acknowledge the competition as their equal, they basically pissed away the opportunity to tell the story that fans wanted to hear. All to protect their own "brand name." If TNA does the same thing and nancies around the issue without just coming out and DOING IT, they'll piss away the same opportunity. I'm not saying that there isn't a risk attached to coming right out and explicitly equating the Dudleys or Christian with WWE or ECW and then having them run roughshod over your homegrown talents.... but I'm saying if you think the story's worth doing, then you might as well go balls-out and do it right. There's no middle ground.
   
  You can get the full report on this weekend's Impact -- there were a couple nifty little mini-matches squeezed in to flesh things out between the homegrown vs. outsider skits -- from Jason Longshore in the TNA Impact Recap.
   
  
• Another quick TNA note: although Jeff Hardy was once again absent from last week's TV tapings (after no-showing the preceding Sunday's PPV without permission), it now sounds like he will be given his space by TNA to do whatever it is that Jeff Hardy needs to do to keep his delicate arteestic psyche healthy.... and then he'll be brought back to the company once again.
   
  So nix the harsher language I had last week about Jeff burning his last bridge with TNA. It looks like that cat still has lives left.
   
  
• And last thing for today is a quick mention of tonight's RAW.... but since it's not a real RAW, normal preview rules do not apply. There will be limited storyline advancement, and more just a feel-good show designed to give our troops in Afghanistan something to enjoy.... in-ring and promo time will also be abbreviated because the standing policy for these holiday tours is to include a lot of video packages of WWE stars interacting and visiting with the troops.
   
  Although the event was taped 10 days ago, WWE is not announcing any matches ahead of time. Instead, they are just trying to sell the show tonight based on the interactions with the troops and the other extracurriculars. Two things I'd bank on, though: (1) some kind of excuse for as many divas as possible to be as nekkid as possible (despite the chilly Afghan winter), because our boys always get a FDA Recommended Allowance of Vitamins T and A when WWE visits them... and (2) John Cena winning in the main event, because after last week, he's clearly the Last Great Patriot on the RAW roster.
   
  One unique opportunity does exist, and if the WWE Writer Monkeys actually WERE planning ahead, they could make use of JBL on tonight's show to do some limited storyline advancement... if JBL wanted to show up, bragging about how he was gonna take care of business against RAW even if Batista and Rey can't, that would fit, and actually flow nicely from last night's PPV result. And truthfully, it ties into a major idea I have for JBL's role in the Fantasy Road to WM22, as well, if he wants to start playing that card. Of course, for JBL to be equipped with that kind of banter for tonight's show, the writer monkeys would have had to have known 2 weeks ago what was gonna happen at Armageddon, and I simply don't give them that much credit.
   
  So tonight'll be a unique show, for certain.... but more as a chance to see your favorite wrestlers OUT of character, than in character and contributing to storylines. Don't know if that makes it more or less interesting to you. It'd probably seem cooler, fresher, or more appealing if we hadn't just had a week of our favorite wrestlers being out of character back when Eddie died... but that's something that's out of WWE's hands.
   
  I'll definitely be checking things out tonight, though. And I'll have some semblance of a recap here tomorrow, too. Not sure that it'll be what you're used to, since I don't think the show will lend itself so much to snark, nor do I see myself jotting down names and ranks and unit numbers to "recap" the sure-to-be-countless non-wrestling/visiting-with-troops vignettes... but I'll get you the results tomorrow for sure.
   
  I believe Matt Hocking is also taking the week off for the same reason, and understandably so. It's all just part of the holiday schedule shake-up around here.... don't worry, the entire crew will be making it up to you before long; all our Year In Review Columns should start showing up around here next week. And you just can't wait, can you?
   
  I'll see you tomorrow with a write-up of Christmas in Kabul, folks...