But the truth is, I am a victim of my own Sense of Responsibility. 
 

Cut to about 8:30pm, and unbeknownst to me, apparently Dayton was under all manner of Storm and Tornado Warnings. Ones that turned out

to possess a certain level of accuracy, if the power outage at my house is to be believed.

Anyway, with no electricity, I tried to keep myself occupied. I even went down to the basement, lit a candle, and reflected on trying to come up with a last-second Kick-Ass April Fool Gag for OO. I blanked. So I can't even offer you that hilarious olive branch.

What I can offer you is a Humble Webmaster who wound up only getting about 50-55 minutes of SmackDown! recorded before things went tits up and spoiled my intended plans last night. Oh, and who -- no matter what has happened these past two years in the wrestling world -- still fundamentally WANTS to be a fan when this time of year comes around.

I figure one of those two things should count for something, no?

So, getting back to our regularly scheduled preview... look: yes, it's true that WrestleMania is historically something very special. The show where we get matches so big, they can only happen one time per year. The show where feuds simmering for ages finally get sweet, sweet closure. The show where we get unexpected appearances and special guests. The show where the two brands can cross over and go to war, creating never-before-seen dream matches.

And yes, it's true that WrestleMania, this year, is coming up a bit short. We're stocked with matches so special, that most of them would be over-achieving if they got the 10pm mid-show slot on a typical episode of SmackDown.... there are NO long-standing feuds being blown off this year; all storylines are less than 2 months old (save for the one featuring the girls, and nobody cares about GIRLS because they all have cooties which renders them incapable of having meaningful storylines).... there are no announced special guests (well, not counting lame musical guests), and the guys who might cause us to wet ourselves if they appeared are falling all over each other to make sure we know they're hopping flights out of Chicago on Sunday morning... and for the first time since the Brand Split, there is absolutely ZERO cross-brand storytelling (yes, Money in the Bank is a co-branded match, but the six men have had no drama-building interaction leading into the match).

But hey, it's still WrestleMania, and I've got a new slant for you: no matter how this show feels to US, the fans, I promise you there's a roster full of dudes who still feel like this is the Biggest Deal Of The Year. And for deficiencies in storytelling -- some perhaps excusable due to mitigating circumstances, but most of it the result of nothing more tragic than complacency and stubbornness at WWE's highest levels -- not one man or woman is looking to go on TV this Sunday and do anything less than set a New Career Best.

That's even the storyline in one of the matches: Mick Foley, veteran of many Manias, is unsatisfied with his own legacy and wants to create one indelible WrestleMania Moment. And while Mick has, for storyline purposes, stated that goal, chances are good that 90% of the performers on the show honestly, deep down, want to do the same.

And *that* is part of the WrestleMania Mystique, too. One part that, gods willing, will *not* be lacking on Sunday.

So my analogy is this:

Institutionally, WWE failed to set the table for WrestleMania 22. The hostess was rude. The drinks were watered down. And the wait staff was inattentive. It might have spoiled your mood and your appetite a bit, but hey, you're here and you're not going anywhere... and when the food arrives, it'll have been prepared by the same mostly-talented kitchen staff that has been serving up tasty Mania Meals for years. Perhaps the end result won't disappoint that badly?

That's what I got, folks: WrestleMania 22 is the Greasy Spoon of wrestling pay-per-views. It looks sketchy, and a sensible person wouldn't even set foot in the place, and if you did, you'd be instantly underwhelmed by the ambiance and service. But you gotta eat, right? And if you're a wrestling fan -- no matter how disillusioned or how lapsed -- you gotta see WrestleMania... so you give it a try. 

And you know what? Whether it's from the bowels of a loud, messy kitchen or from the bowels of a wrestling organization that seems to be rotting from the top down, you just might get a tasty treat served up by an old hand or two who still knows what he's doing.

Anticipation level? Almost zero. Expectations? Limited. But you know the effort and expertise is there to make the end result more than palatable.

If and when WrestleMania 22 succeeds, it won't be a victory for those charged with creating the sizzle. It'll be vindication to those who serve up the steak. I certainly hope they are up to the challenge ahead of them in 2 days time.

And I *know* the staff of OO is up to the challenge of examining this PPV card from every imaginable angle to deliver to you the Only WrestleMania 22 Preview You Need To Read. Join us, won't you, as we take a look at Sunday's full, as-announced, 11-match pay-per-view line-up?
 

JOHN CENA vs. TRIPLE H
WWE Title Match

Being charitable: you *might* say that the foundations for this match were laid right before the Royal Rumble, when Triple H (after a six month vacation and then a lengthy feud with Ric Flair) declared his intentions of winning back his title. Even though it's not "his" title, it's the WWE Title that came over from SD! while he was away.

But why pick nits? Point is, Trips thought he was the "King of Kings" and wanted to re-ascend his throne, and he figured winning the Rumble was the way to accomplish this most easily. 

He failed to accomplish this.

So, when Rey Mysterio won the Rumble, and when (for reasons that can only be attributable to the uncreative, small-minded Writer Monkeys once again same up awfully short in the storytelling department) there was not even one second of uncertainty or teasing as to which brand's title Rey would fight for (as there has been in past years), RAW immediately instituted a tournament to determine its own WrestleMania #1 Contender.
 
*This* time, Triple H came out on top, and got his title shot. Which is why, if we cease being charitable and start being pragmatic, it's more accurate to say that the foundations for this match were laid all of 5 weeks or so ago, on the first night that HHH and Cena had a meaningful interaction.

In that time, this truly epic and titanic feud has seen some twists and turns. Well, mostly: HHH and Cena were forced into being tag partners, and HHH abandoned Cena (who still won the match against three other men), which was naughty. And then, also: Cena earned the ire of Vince McMahon, and the Cena/HHH feud became tangentially tied to the Vince/Michaels feud as a result. And in two weeks of shenanigans, Vince and Triple H have turned out to make quite the team.

So the subtext here is: Cena's not just fighting HHH, he might also be fighting the boss.

It's not a lot, but it's probably the best you can do in five weeks. HHH is all about the heelish bluster (which he's good at), and Cena's trying to recreate the mutinous employee vibe that served him so well against Eric Bischoff. Yes, please not the ample sarcasm on that latter point.

One positive aspect of the involvement of Vince McMahon in this feud is that it has neutralized many of the boos that Cena gets. A growing majority of wrestling fans (read: not casual teenage fan girls) dislike Cena and enjoy voicing that opinion... but with Vince involved, what are they supposed to do? Cheer Vince? Not likely.

It will be very interesting to see if they continue to use this tactic on Sunday, or if they just send Cena out there with Triple H and let the chips fall where they may. 

An observation, if I may, however: I strongly suspect that Cena's gonna be in HUGE trouble on Sunday. WrestleMania sold out in 2 minutes, and the people who went to that effort to buy tix are WRESTLING FANS. They are not packs of simple-minded teenage girls who thought it might be fun to go see their TV boyfriend in person, or who got dragged along to a show by their real boyfriend. Teenage girls might like John Cena, but they don't like him enough to camp out for tickets for days. Those tickets were gotten by wrestling fans. Ones who have been here all along, ones who loyally (or naively) continue to stick with WWE, and ones who haven't exactly cottoned to WWE's attempt to push a petulant wigger as the company's top babyface.

This is a crowd that is primed to turn on Cena early and often. Hell, it's already started: at a WM Hype Event earlier this week, Cena was booed by a majority of fans in attendance. Whether WWE has a plan for dealing with this or not (many think that a heel turn is coming, but I'm just not so sure WWE sees things our way, yet), just the spectacle (and the FUN) of watching folks take up sides in this match against Cena should add a bit of sizzle of the festivities. I know it added a lot (no matter how unintentionally) to many of Cena's matches in November, December, and January. Things could get even messier at WM22.

Possibilities for extracurriculars aside -- be they the involvement of Vince McMahon or the possibility of a Cena heel turn, or possibly even both of those tied together -- the one thing you can bank on is that HHH and Cena will stick faithfully to the "WWE Main Event Style." They'll have a brawl that'll be rather basic in execution, but they'll more than make up for that with the psychology and storytelling. The personalities will drive this match, and will be the things that add the intensity and drama to what -- at heart -- will probably be relatively simplistic in-ring action. And maybe a table-assisted highspot or two.

Points for build-up and storytelling: zero. Points for anticipating a really good ***** Meltzer-pleaser: meh, maybe 2 or 3. Points for being damned anxious to be a part of The Night The Fans Turned On John Cena For Good: several million. For me, that really kind is what's gonna make or break this match.
  

KURT ANGLE vs. REY MYSTERIO vs. RANDY ORTON
World Title Match

Life handed SmackDown! a bushel full of lemons starting back last November, no doubt about it. This main event title match represents their best attempt at fashioning some lemonade out of them. It's kind of that thin, sugar-watery, Drink-Aid brand version of lemonade, but hey, if you're thirsty, it'll get the job done.

There was a time when SmackDown! seemed poised to have the hotter of the two main events by WM22, when Eddie Guerrero was in the midst of a slow, diabolical heel turn and you just KNEW Batista wasn't gonna put up with that happy crappy. But then Eddie passed away, and Batista got hurt (not once, but twice; leaving him out of commission through WM). That left WWE without their first three options for a SD! main event (Batista/Eddie, Batista/Rey, or Batista/Orton).

With Batista's injury just prior to the Royal Rumble, in January, SD! General Manager Teddy Long vacated the World Title, and held a Battle Royale to fill the championship. He managed to sign Kurt Angle away from RAW to help bolster the line-up in the Battle Royale, and in one fell swoop, Kurt showed up on SD!, was welcomed as a babyface, and won the World Title.

For a while, it appeared as though the creative team just handed Angle the bookings originally designed for Batista, which made for some sloppy storytelling. Angle was saddled with Mark Henry, for instance, as his first PPV challenger, and turned out what is widely considered to be one of the world title matches in recent memory.

While Angle was trying to find his own groove, Randy Orton was floating around randomly, usually losing matches. In storylines, the attempt was eventually made to present this as a post-Undertaker-feud funk. In reality, the writers lost track of Orton after his dad was sent home and were struggling to find his new niche.

Only Rey seemed to be going strong this period, looking sharp as he boldly declared that he was dedicating his Royal Rumble performance to his late friend, Eddie.

And what do you know? Rey won the Rumble, and looked poised to follow through on his dream and his homage to Eddie by going to WM22 to win the Title.

But instead of taking the time to tell the story of Rey's thought process, and build up some kind of tension as to which Title he would fight for and why, WWE promptly decided to not to ANYthing with regards to setting the stage for WM, and shunted Angle into a PPV feud against the Undertaker, while Rey went straight into a feud with Randy Orton.

At stake in the Orton feud? Rey's WM Title Shot, which made little to no sense, since there was no logical reason for Rey to put something like that on the line. WWE's attempt to create a reason involved sending Orton out to openly mock the memory of Eddie Guerrero. This, to hear Orton tell it in "shoot" promos, caused Rey to lose his cool and agree to the terms of the match. And if Orton thinks that makes a lick of sense, he's just as dumb as we all already knew he was.

But sensible or not, it "worked" and Rey put the title shot on the line in a match where Orton put absolutely nothing on the line. So lame. In the build-up, Orton's mockery of Eddie continued, and the "Ghost of Eddie Guerrero" was continually presented as a real force behind Rey's in-ring success. Again: not WWE's greatest moment.

With all that going on, the only logical outcome would have been to pay-off the mini-feud by having the Dimwitted Douchebag be smited for pushing such cheap-heat buttons, thus vindicating not just Rey and his Quest for WM, but also honoring the memory of Eddie. Logic? In WWE? Not a chance. Orton won the match against Rey, relatively cleanly. And suddenly, the answer to a question nobody asked, Randy Orton was a player in the WM22 main event picture out of left field.

In in out-of-left-field development, GM Teddy Long basically decided that Rey had been coerced into putting his WM title shot on the line, and that doesn't un-do the fact that he won the Royal Rumble. So just like that, he re-inserted Rey into the WM22 title match, making it a three-way match. Funny that Teddy wouldn't mention this BEFORE Orton spent a month cutting tasteless promos to set up the match for the WM Title Shot to begin with.... Ugh. Again, with the logic holes you can drive Mack Trucks through...

By this point, Angle had concluded his feud with the Undertaker (winning the WWE's Match of the Year To Date at No Way Out), and jumped back into the picture here. And like the RAW main event picture, when you only start bothering to tell your main event story about 5 weeks before the event, you don't really have enough time to do a whole lot.

To a large extent, the trio have been trying to get by on their personalities. Angle's the bad-ass wrestling machine who cannot be unseated. Rey's the plucky underdog who is doing this for his dead friend. And Orton's the tool who's lone case for being World Champ is that he has Destiny -- not talent, not ability, not desire -- on his side.

Also, like the guys in the RAW main event, these three were thrown together as unwilling partners a few weeks ago, with predictably poor results. Orton made himself scarce in the team's two matches, letting Rey and Angle do all the work. In one match, he only stepped in at the last second to steal the glory. In another, he contributed almost nothing until causing his team's loss.

In more recent weeks, WWE has used Orton's status as the lone heel to have him spite both Rey and Angle in their matches. Whether you look at that as Orton being the Straw That Stirs the Drink, or as Orton being the unnecessary vestigial tail of this feud, the result has been Orton getting the best results of the three by doing the least amount of work. 

You know me: I tend towards Randy Orton, the Coccyx, in my thinking. Partly because, in the match itself, it's an antiquated 1980s notion that you NEED to have a heel in there to make fans care (especially in a match that'll have emotional, Eddie-laden underpinnings). But mostly because his logic-free involvement in the match came out of a continuity nightmare of a month back in February, and served mostly to annoy me. That was a time when S! should have been aggressively building towards a compelling main event, and instead, they were all over the place: Angle was working exclusively with Taker and Orton was being randomly thrown into the #1 Contender mix by one of the laziest plot contrivances ever. I wish it hadn't been like this.

But it is. And the match will still be roughly the same as it would have been without Orton. Maybe a little more story-centric than action-centric -- look for Orton to try to orchestrate Angle/Rey problems and then capitalize, all while doing as little as possible on his own (hey, anything to keep him from feeling the need to slap on a 10 minute chinlock!) -- but still fundamentally built around Rey being a massive underdog.

It's a foolproof story to tell. Fans'll bite on it. And Rey being Rey, he'll bring the fast-paced action to make sure the in-ring work is commensurate with that psychology (hell, a few weeks ago, Rey's physical creativity even fooled a few readers into sending me e-mails about how bad-ass Randy Orton is; remember that RKO off the ropes? well, when Orton couldn't have done that against anybody else OTHER than Rey, it's hard to give him the credit for it looking sweet, isn't it, now?). Regardless of the story leading into it, I'm still figuring this'll end up being 20 minutes of lemonade that goes down plenty smooth.
  

MICK FOLEY vs. EDGE
Hardcore Rules Match

It's hard to say when the idea for this one was locked in, but I first caught a whiff of it when Edge was briefly the WWE Champ and kept ranting about not being a "transitional champion." Like Mick Foley.

Edge wound up being wrong, though, as his title reign clocked in at about 3 weeks long. And when Edge exercised his rematch clause, and a special ref was needed to maintain order, who should show up? Mick Foley, who probably remembered being listed as a lowly Transitional Champion about a month prior.

But if Mick was upset about it, he didn't let it affect his judgment. Edge lost the rematch against John Cena, fair and square. Edge didn't see it that way, however. He decided to make Foley his scapegoat. Hey, pick on the old, broken down Teddy Bear.... what's he gonna do about it.

Well, what happened was that Foley finally confronted Edge about the issue. And Edge was so confident that he issued a challenge to Foley. "Let's wrestle at WM22," he suggested. But Foley turned down the challenge. Edge seemed to expect that. What he didn't expect was that Foley had a counter-proposal. "Let's FIGHT at WM22." Edge is younger, faster, and stronger, and Foley wants nothing to do with a wrestling match.... but let's make it Hardcore Rules and you're on, Edge.

Edge accepts.

And from there, what had felt like a by-the-numbers Special Attraction Feud got kicked up a few notches. There were violent confrontations. Usually won by Edge. Including a one-man con-chair-to and a faceful of thumbtacks, both with Foley as the victim.

But more important were the verbal confrontations, in which Edge broached some very real, shoot-style issues about Foley's legacy and his current standing. Foley's never had that one breakthrough WrestleMania Moment... Foley's so broken down and harmless that it won't mean anything special to Edge to beat him at WM, it'll just be another notch on his belt.

So Foley'd respond in kind: he promised to create his one indelible WM moment on Sunday, and he made contact with his Inner Cactus Jack. Gone is the harmless Teddy Bear Foley. In his place is a barbed-wire baseball bat wielding madman. Methinks Edge is wishing he hadn't cast on Mick's credibility as an opponent.

This will be a wild brawl. There will be blood. There will be foreign objects. And it'll all be tied together with Foley and Edge's ability to tell a story and keep a crowd into the match. Lita's presence at ringside should help out with that (at least in the early stages, though it wouldn't surprise me to see her ejected later on, a la Diesel at WM10).

And thanks to the unexpected "save" in terms of the storytelling and angles/promos leading into the match, I think this is the one match on the WM22 card that combines prospects for a good-or-better match with a very-well-done storyline coming in. And it's when those two elements converge that you can actually get something special. Because when those two elements converge is when fans are anxiously WANTING to see a match, instead of just being willing to endure it. That's a huge boost to the atmosphere of any match.

I think Foley and Edge are gonna have that bonus working for them on Sunday. I think they will make very good use of it.
  

SHELTON BENJAMIN vs. RIC FLAIR vs. ROB VAN DAM vs. MATT HARDY vs. BOBBY LASHLEY vs. FIT FINLAY
"Money in the Bank 2": Ladder Match for a Guaranteed World/WWE Title Shot

Carlito was beaten in the RAW #1 Contender Tourney, and decided he wanted to invent another way for him to weasel his way into the title picture. So, taking a note from the dearly departed Chris Jericho, he went on his talk show, and declared that he had an idea: a Money in the Bank Ladder Match for a guaranteed title shot.

MitB2? Given that it stole the show at Mania last year, I can't see anybody being against that idea. So the match was rubber stamped, and we went about determining the six participant.

The first week on RAW, three men qualified: Shelton, Flair, and Van Dam. The next week, it was unexpectedly announced that the other three participants would come from SmackDown!, creating WM22's only cross-brand match. And in the mess: Carlito got shut out of the match that he, himself, suggested.

The guys on the RAW side had plenty tying them together for the final couple of weeks before Mania. Shelton had, afterall, taken Flair's IC Title. And then RVD started *his* assault on the IC Title. And then RVD and Flair had a few miscommunication issues that allowed Shelton to defeat them. Pretty basic stuff, but the dynamic among the RAW Three is well-established.

It was a bit sloppier on SD!, where they started filling slots 2 weeks later than RAW, and kinda had to scramble. Matt Hardy qualified first. And then, as part of their on-going feud, Fit Finlay stole a win over Lashley to get a spot of his own. Pause for a week, and then in a Battle Royale, Lashley outlasted the entire roster of Velocity to earn the "Last Chance" spot in MitB2.

Storywise, Matt's basically only in this match because, well, he's Matt Hardy. And you need a Hardy when you have ladder matches at WM. And then Finlay and Lashley have an unresolved feud going back about a month. But none of the three are even remotely plausible #1 Contenders, which sort of kills the sizzle factor of the match when you halve your Possible Winners before the contest even starts.

Still, this oughta be a more-than-entertaining spotfest. Obviously with Shelton, RVD, and Hardy, you have three talented and nimble high-flyers who'll get to shine in this environment. Two months ago, Flair showed he could keep up in a ladder match setting, holding up his end of a match against Edge. Since his comeback, Finlay's become a very entertaining part of SD! because of his insanely unique offense (which should serve him well in any match where props are legal). And Lashley? Well, he's the "prop" in this match: a power guy who won't necessarily take the wild bumps or anything, but who can muscle bodies or ladders around when needed.

Everybody fits into a spot, and though you'd be hard-pressed to find anybody nearly as fired up for this match as they were for the star-studded original last year, if everybody does their jobs, the result should be relatively satsifying.
  

SHAWN MICHAELS vs. VINCE McMAHON
No Disqualification Match

Plan A: Shawn Michaels vs. The Rock. The Rock wanted none of it.

Plan B: Vince McMahon vs. Bret Hart. Bret Hart wanted none of it.

Plan C: Shawn Michaels vs. Shane McMahon. Shane may or may not be at WM22 due to paternal obligations.

So when all was said and done, this is what we get. It meets Shawn's requirement of giving him a fresh/new challenge on the biggest stage of all. And apparently it meets Vince's requirement of giving him an excuse to take off his shirt on TV.

Back in January-ish, Shawn and Vince had a seemingly random, throwaway conversation backstage. Shawn off-hand remarked that Vince needed to "get over" the Montreal Screwjob and quit living in the past.

Somehow, out of that, came this entire feud. Not a whole lot of it made a whole lot of sense. Unless you accept that a Fascinating Character Trait of Vince's is that he behaves in a senseless way, that is. I don't quite roll like that, though, and if my Fictional Characters can't behave compellingly, I tend to just zone out. And there's little realistic, sensible, or compelling about the way this has played out.

Just as a for instance, in the course of about three weeks, Vince went from wanting to fire Michaels, to trying to stack the deck against him so he'd quit, to threatening Michaels with legal action if he left and didnt keep taking his medicine, to going back to wanting to stack the deck against Michaels.... if there's any internal logic to Vince's character, it's so subtle that even I don't get it.

Anyway, about 6 weeks ago, we did settle on the "make Shawn's life a living hell" vibe. Vince started making use of the Spirit Squad, his son Shane, and in the last two weeks, Triple H. All in the name of softening Shawn up before Vince himself intends to take him down.

It's worked pretty well. Since settling in on this route, Shawn has suffered losses to the Spirit Squad, Shane McMahon (twice, including yet another Homage to Montreal), and Vince McMahon. And he went to a no-contest against HHH and was the co-victim (with Cena) of a post-match plot by HHH and Vince.

Expecting a stellar wrestling match here would be foolish. But expecting a busy, hyper-booked Sports Entertainment Segment might be fair. I believe this was made No Disqualification, which would mean things are wide open here for run-ins and crazy drama.

If Shane's available, he'd be a good guy to bet on. The Spirit Squad WILL be available. And what of Vince's new alliance with HHH? And how about Pregnant Stephanie, who showed up on TV a few weeks ago to join in the McMahon family plot against HBK? There are obviously more than a few ways you could tie a few of these elements together. And since there have been so many soul-crushingly pointless homages to the Montreal Screwjob, there are more than a few people who see Bret Hart on tap for the Hall of Fame who think he'll show up here to render those homages LESS pointless.

However stupidly we may have gotten here, those sure are a lot of open ended issues that should -- if you just shut off your brain -- provide for a lot of drama. We'll see....
  

CHRIS BENOIT vs. JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD
United States Title Match

Chris Benoit first won the US Title last summer, and everybody expected he'd be "rehabilitating" the title after it languished around the waist of Orlando Jordan. Nine months later, and a combination of circumstances has conspired against Benoit (questionable booking moves and injuries to Booker T slowing down the pace of their feud being chief among them).

Things don't exactly get any better for Benoit, here. In theory, Benoit vs. JBL could have the feel of two main eventers "slumming it" for a secondary title, thus elevating the secondary title.

In reality, the lack of backstory here leaves this match with just about as much panache as a mid-show, off-week SD! match. 

While Benoit was contesting the US Title with Booker (and his sometimes-surrogate, Randy Orton), JBL was losing feuds to the Boogeyman, and then finding himself put into a feud against Bobby Lashley (a decision made by his Image Consultant, Jillian Hall). JBL ended up making use of Fit Finlay's interference to hand Lashley a loss on PPV last month.

A week later, somebody decided to make a Benoit/Lashely vs. Finlay/JBL tag match on SD!. In that match, Benoit and JBL crossed paths for the first time, and JBL actually broke his hand as a result. So let's call that the basis for a WrestleMania Match?
 
Guess so. JBL spent the last month doing his standard ranting and raving about the inevitability of his victory due to his status as a minor deity. Benoit spent the last month not saying a whole lot about JBL and wrestling a series of pointless matches of varying quality (good against William Regal; bad against Road Warrior Animal).

There's just not a whole lot here, and I think it'll show come Sunday. JBL isn't the kind of opponent with whom Benoit can have his best kind of match, and there is no drama or backstory or anything here to cover for the fact that Benoit will have to throttle down into brawling mode and essentially have what'll look and feel like a watered-down version of what HHH and Cena will serve up. Just without fans jumping around and cheering and booing the wrong guys.
  

KANE/BIG SHOW vs. CARLITO COOL/CHRIS F. MASTERS
World Tag Team Title Match

Huh. Not only would this match have made a lot more sense -- story-wise -- about 3 months ago when Carlito and Masters first started toying with being a team... but it sure seemed to me that Carlito took it awfully well when he got locked out of Money in the Bank and shunted back into a tag match.

So yeah: that's my way of saying they sort of yanked this one out of their ass about 3 weeks ago, and have been desperately trying to add some story to it since. This was, in fact, a blatant case of WWE making the match for Mania first, and trying to add the story second.

That effort has included a series of singles matches between the members of the teams (all won by the faces), an aborted Shitty Full Nelson Challenge, and the over-riding vibe that the heels are clueless putzes who don't stand a chance against two giants. The culmination of all this was last week when Carlito and Masters tried to lock Kane in a backstage office, only to forget that there was another door down the hall.  D'oh.

Nothing fancy, and too little/too late, but at least it's something. Even without the putzification of Carlito/CFM, Kane and Show are incredibly dominant (to the point of being Division Killers; though the stagnant RAW tag ranks are far from THEIR fault)... this last touch of character development amplifies the dominance of the champs and the dubious prospects of the young bucks. That is helpful, as it COULD make for an entertaining, throw-away fluff match where Kane/Show squash the heels in crowd-pleasing fashion.... but it could also set the stage for an amazing upset that would have all the more crowd heat on it (for having dragged Carlito/CFM down to rock bottom before launching them to an unexpected/"undeserved" title win).

If things are clicking, this is a match that could easily slide into its slot and keep the WM Momentum rolling with the fans. But if WM gets off track and/or this match is presented in the middle of a cold streak, it will not have the power to turn the tide. We'll have to see how it all comes together....
  

TRISH STRATUS vs. MICKIE JAMES
Women's Title Match

Mickie James debuted back in October, and since then, all signs have SEEMED to point to a final, cataclysmic showdown with Trish Stratus at WrestleMania. I actually got excited about the prospects of a women's title match that would hold its own among the top handful of men's matches on the WM card.

And then the Writer Monkeys got their hands on it, and turned this into a feud that'll leave the women back in the prelim match ghetto at Mania.

The basic story: Mickie showed up and declared herself to be Trish's #1 Fan, and kept hanging around Trish under the impression that they were friends. Trish, kinder and more concerned about others' feelings, endured this for a while, no matter how annoying Mickie was.

Things started to get a little rocky -- and the cracks in Mickie's sanity -- began showing up when Mickie became convinced that she was single-handedly helping Trish win matches, and that Trish wasn't being grateful enough back. At this delicate juncture, Trish again tried to protect Mickie's feelings.

Mickie's response: Hot Lesbian Overtones! Just in time for Mickie to earn a title shot against Trish, the storyline took a turn for the worse... Mickie's inherent creepiness and brink-of-a-breakdown-ness was replaced with all of the scariness of college coeds being convinced that making out for "Girls Gone Wild" will result in them getting the attention that daddy never gave them.

Instead of jump-starting into PsychoDrive in January, Mickie's feelings for Trish were of the more affectionate variety. So when Trish beat Mickie in their first match, it was no big deal, and Mickie took it in stride and still wanted to be friends.

Not so keen on this idea was Trish's friend, Diva Search Ashley, who finally said what we were all thinking: that Mickie's psycho and just needs to go away. And STILL for several weeks, Mickie tried to remain Trish's friend despite savaging Ashley for her outburst.

Not until just two weeks ago did Mickie actually turn heel in a real sense (again by attacking Ashley, but this time luring Trish into the brawl). Mickie's stance is that she would have given her life for Trish, but Trish didn't appreciate that, and now Mickie has to move on: instead of fantasizing about Trish, she will fantasize about destroying Trish.

It's the first glimpse we've seen of a compellingly psycho, capable-of-violence Mickie James in nearly three months... we've mostly been treated to the faux lesbian since then. But it's also another case where it feel like too little, too late. WM is a time for matches that feel like the Big Finish to feuds. With Mickie only finding her Inner Psycho 2 weeks ago, and only starting to threaten a compelling level of violence against Trish 1 week ago, this feels more like the START of something. It feels like where we should have been back in January.
 
Trish and Mickie oughta have a solid match. But so much will -- not unlike the RAW Tag Title Match -- depend on placement on the card and timing and stuff like that. There have been a few issues with the shoddy storytelling undermining the desired fan reactions (no matter how annoying Mickie has been, she's been an annoying LESBIAN, which is still apparently quite HAWT~! to some losers), and if not slid into the proper slot on the WM card, this might not have enough oomph to get over. Here's hoping the women don't just get sent out there to die on the table in a throwaway slot...
  

UNDERTAKER vs. MARK HENRY
Special Foregone Conclusion Casket Match

Ugh.

Undertaker returned at the Royal Rumble and gestured (Broadly) to indicate he wanted the World Title from Kurt Angle. Then he magically shot cartoon lightning bolts from his hands, which must be contractually binding via the bylaws of the Gay Spooky Convention of 1989.

Probably was that Taker returned to issue his cartoon-generated challenge after Angle had beaten Mark Henry in the worst PPV main event in recent memory. And somehow, that shitty outing had left Henry convinced that he still had future title shots coming, and didn't want to be passed over by Taker.

So some stuff happens -- including Taker and Angle having the WWE Match of the Year To Date -- but Mark Henry keeps poking his nose into their business. In fact, in Taker's deserved rematch against Angle, Henry just ran in and attacked him to cause a DQ. And there's your WM match.

I repeat: Ugh.

In the ensuing weeks, we've gotten such thrilling developments as (1) Mark Henry yammering on, apparently convinced he might actually win, while I hit the FF button.... (2) Mark Henry yammering on, since apparently somebody decided to free Daivari from being a part of Henry's decisive demise at Mania, leaving Henry to do his own talking.... and (3) Taker showing up periodically to spook Henry with light shows or double-wide caskets.

But let's not kid ourselves: this story has sucked. The match will likely suck worse. And it's all just a flimsy excuse so that Taker can squash his way to another WrestleMania win. And a flimsy excuse to try to wring some last shreds of usefulness out of Mark Henry before that unfathomable 10-year contract of his expires this summer.

Hey, Mark Henry: at least take solace in the fact that you are not and cannot possibly be any worse than Giant Gonzalez. So the next time somebody decides to cut a promo naming every one of Taker's WM Victims, you won't be the one that makes everybody laugh the hardest.
  

BOOGEYMAN vs. BOOKER T/SHARMELL
Handicap Match

Booker and Sharmell had, over the course of December and January, really established themselves as some of SD!'s most entertaining (in a love-to-hate kind of way) heels. Which means that once they were done doing important things, like feuding over the US Title, they tried to "get their heat back" by just rambling on about how great Booker is, despite losing the US Title.

And it seems that Random Heel Rambling Trying To Get Heat Back is like fucking catnip to the Boogeyman, causing him to be drawn to Booker and Sharmell and unwilling to leave them alone. He did it to JBL for no readily apparently reason a while back. And a month or so back, he shifted his focus to Booker.

If you ask me, there's not been one single confrontation between the two that leads me to believe this match belongs on the WrestleMania stage. Or that the Boogeyman belongs in a WM match, while MNM sit on the sidelines. But whatever: the past few weeks, Sharmell has been an exceptionally good sport and played with worms while acting appropriately grossed out. 

When her man showed no interest in actually wrestling against a freak like Boogeyman, GM Teddy Long forced his hand, and Booker had to accept a handicap match. And Teddy forced his hand further by making Booker's partner Sharmell. Looks like more worms, honey. I'm so sorry to both of you, Booker and Sharmell....
  

TORRIE WILSON vs. CANDICE MICHELLE
"Playboy" Pillow Fight

Torrie Wilson was in Playboy twice a few years ago. Candice Michelle is in Playboy now.

And because all women -- at least the ones that can be envisioned by WWE's writers -- are shallow bitches who have nothing better to do than spend lifetimes accruing fake boobs and nosejobs and ridiculous hair and make-up combinations so that they can fulfill every girl's fantasy of taking her clothes off so that teenagers can pleasure themselves with ease and then arguing with other shallow bitches about which one of them did the better job and was responsible for the greater amount of man-sauce spillage.

Thrilling, eh? But it's also essentially all the work WWE put into the storytelling here. Torrie is sort of the babyface despite still carrying that damned yap dog. Titties McSuperbowl is sort of the heel despite being more-recently-nekkid and periodically kissing Victoria.

My guess: I'm the only one paying attention to these issues, cuz everybody else is too busy just cheering for an exposed nipple. Right? Oh, to be young and easily entertained again....
  

EXTRAS/CONCLUDING THOUGHTS

Eleven matches sounds like a lot. And it is. But WM22 is also a big-ass four-hour show, so we need a lot to fill it up. Maybe not more matches, but you know how the Fed rolls: always wanting to do SOMEthing to surprise and please us.

And looking at the announced card, that means adding something extra. ZING~! So here are some of our ideas....
  

Remember two things: Mania starts at 7pm (eastern), and also that Saturday night is that stupid "Spring Forward"/Daylight Savings night, so you need to not just note the start time but also make sure you've adjusted your clocks to get it right on Sunday night.

And you can trust me: I might hate losing the hour of sleep, but I'll expertly manage the temporal trickiness to be right there in front of the TV when WM22 kicks off.

Which means that at some point around midnight on Sunday night, you can check back to OO for my full immediate post-show recap and analysis. And then further thoughts and fall-out on Monday. 

Enjoy WrestleMania, and I'll see you all then!