I just realized: for all intents and purposes, this is the midpoint of the year... next time I talk at you, it'll be July. Does it *feel* like the year's half-over to anyone else? Cuz I know it doesn't for me....
  

Then again, I did spend that unexpected month practically crippled and immobile, which might make me feel like we're only 5 months into the year, but still...

Especially on the wrestling front, it just seems like we're going through the motions, and nothing particularly memorable is happening, which creates the this

I guess the lesson here is that it's really easy to lose track of time when nothing really interesting is happening. In the hopes of a more exciting second-half of wrestling's 2006, let's slog through today's batch of news and views, and see if we can't find anything promising lurking on the horizon....

• I guess going chronologically is the best way to do this, so let's quickly jump back to Monday's RAW...
   
  The show was not devoid of fun and entertainment, though not a whole lot of it had to do with in-ring action, and to me, getting too-fond of the "Crash TV" homagery would be a mistake. That was a lot of fun last week, but the only way it will retain its charm is if you bust it out sporadically: that means taking a week or two off between shows predicated on man-ass and poop and changing gears a bit.
   
  To me, it's the purest foolishness to have RAW be "the show where things go a million miles per hours and there's never any matches longer than 5 minutes" and to have SD! be "the show where we slow things down and have one, sometimes two, well-developed Anchor Matches per show." It would help BOTH brands out to mix and match their formats, since RAW's got the horses to have 1 or 2 15 minute matches per show every now and again, and SD! would benefit from more wham/bam pacing to shake things up and give as many guys a chance to shine and fill up that horribly-depleted roster as possible.
   
  But that's a long and philosophical rant for another time. Our topic here today is Monday's show. To me, the highlight probably has to be "Roughly two-thirds of the DX parody of the McMahons." Because it was 2/3rds high-larious, and about 1/3 pretty lame. And if you'd axed that lame third? Well, then that's where you can tie everything together and start going and giving more time to a bit of in-ring action.
   
  Just don't give it to the RVD/Cena main event.... the crowd (which mostly disliked Cena and which had no feelings at all about RVD) got disinterested early and often, and took all the sizzle out of things, if you ask me. And the fact that Van Dam and Cena just don't mesh well together means that they had a hard time winning the fans back, and only got 'em roped in once all the bells and whistles kicked in during the final 3 minutes or so.
   
  To be honest, what ruffled my feathers the most is the fact that they had overlong parody segments and wasted time on Vis/Haas/Lilian crap and stuff like that, but they did NOT follow up in any meaningful way on the IC Title situation (which was the match that stole the show at the PPV the night before). How you don't try to piggyback on the huge responses to the PPV match by putting those three guys in the spotlight again is beyond me. As I said Monday, what I'd have done would is a Nitro/Shelton one-on-one rematch with Carlito on commentary. Let 'em light it up in the ring for about 10 minutes, let Carlito keep on winning people over with his all-around awesomeness on the mic, and to me, that's how you follow-through after 3 guys step up and give it their all on a PPV. Instead, we got Nitro/Carlito scuffling as an afterthought to a Trish/Melina confrontation. Oh, and we also got the revelation that (apparently) Trish swallows, which has nothing to do with anything, but this is the Dollywood Riter Donkeys' idea of what to do with Carlito after a breakout title match performance, I guess.
   
  Anyway: hits in some spots, misses in others, and taken as a whole, it struck me as probably being one of RAW's lesser efforts since WrestleMania.... then again, RAW doesn't have to worry about anything PPV-related for TWO MONTHS (at SummerSlam), so perhaps they are entitled to a relaxed sort of shuffling-the-deck kind of show?
   
  [Total tangent: that thing in the pre-ramble about losing track of time? In this age of too-many-PPVs, how odd is it to realize that the next time RAW is on PPV, the year will be 2/3rds over? This is kinda a nice stretch for us fans. It's the only part of the year where WWE will go a full month between PPVs for 4 straight PPVs. We don't get back into the annoying 2- or 3-week intervals again until late September/early October. Tis the way it should be year-round, if you ask me. Keep it the Big Four Joint PPVs, then three each for RAW and SD! to run solo, and -- assuming it survives -- 2 for ECW. Twelve. Twelve PPVs is all you need, and it will greatly help the week-to-week product, too.]
   
  Anyway, I love that RAW did the right thing (the "OO Thing," if I do pat myself on my own back) by having Edge interfere in the main event to save RVD's title, but other than that, I chuckled tons during Triple Vince's speech, but there's not a whole lot else pimp-worthy for me to mention here. So I'll just send you to my EXTREMELY pimp-worthy OO RAW Recap.
   
  [Just please, nobody else write in telling me about "The Electra/Elektra" Complex," OK? I got the message, and I apologize for being such a dolt; it's just that back in college, to fulfill my undergrad requirement of 9 credit hours of science -- which might sound like a lot to you, but keep in mind UD required *TWELVE* credit hours of religion/philosophy from all undergrads, which is kinda ass-backwards, if you ask me -- I took REAL classes. A couple of 200-level Physics courses and an associated lab, to be specific. What passes for my knowledge of psychology comes from my own purely-recreational reading/research. And since it seems like a field filled with unmitigated bullshit arteests, I guess I wouldn't surprise anybody if I said that my recreational pursuit of the subject is a bit limited.]
   
  
• The rating on Monday was a "soft" 4.1 (in other words, it takes some upward rounding to get there). That's down noticeably from the week before, when RAW drew a 4.3. This is an odd situation, as the pre-PPV show drew a strong rating, and then -- instead of a bump up -- the post-PPV show drew a bit weaker.  That could be interpreted a lot of different ways, but I'm not gonna sprain my brain on the issue just now...
   
  It is worth noting that the second hour of RAW drew HUGE, and if that means people were intrigued by the Cena/RVD title match, that's possibly good news. Of course, the flip side of that coin is that -- for RAW's 2-hour average to be so ho-hum -- the opening hour of RAW drew very badly. VERY badly, like 3.5, if I'm remembering my message correctly.
   
  Something else that was passed along to me about this week's RAW rating: though overall ratings were a tad down, it had the highest number of female viewers in a while. Oh, ladies: please tell me that you're not all tuning in to see the Bare Midget Ass. Or Fat Stripper Guy's Ass. Or even Coach's Ass, for that matter. I know us guys claim some sort of biological compulsion to check out bOObies, but you're supposed to be better than us! So act like it!
   
  
• This, chronologically, brings us to Tuesday's ECW on Sci-Fi.... which, if you ask me, was an almost photographic duplication of the previous week's show, except that the Sandman beat up on his least-funny and most-channel-flip-inducing "comedy opponent" yet.
   
  That is to say: it wasn't bad TV. It just wasn't "ECW."
   
  Just as the week before, the show started with a kick-ass Sabu "Spotlight" Match against Roadkill. Man alive, as long as they're this much fun to watch, I don't care if the outcome isn't in question, I'm still not gonna call it a "squash" match. That was 5 minutes of kick-ass. One thing: I'm kind of against Sabu needing a submission finisher for the same sorts of reasons I'm against Cena's SSTF (just to a lesser degree), but if he wants to do a chair-assisted Camel Clutch? That could get pretty cool. I don't know if it can be done safely/convincingly, but how about changing it from the variation Sabu did on Tuesday to him using the chair as a platform between his legs? Then you prop the opponent's head and one arm up across the chair, and Sabu pulls back on the chair, creating an effect that not only has all the wrenching-action of a camel clutch, but which also has the secondary effect of jamming the edge of the steel chair into the other guy's throat. Now *that* would be Double Sweet.
   
  And just as the week before, the show ended with a full 20-minute WWE-style main event. A good WWE-style main event. Not great, not bad, but certainly quite enjoyable. And since I consider the adjective "good" to be more positive than I consider the qualifier "WWE-style" to be negative, to me, that adds up to a match that -- even if a bit out of place -- delivered the goods. I'm wondering if Those in Charge (and as we'll discuss later, it's hard to know who that was this week) did it on purpose or not, but Angle's whiny/selfish promo earlier in the show (in which he referenced his wife and his young daughter, which are things that are so TOTALLY pussified to Hardcore Wrestling Fans!) did do a nice job of getting most of the fans in the arena to treat him as a heel. Like I said, don't know if that's on purpose, or if it's just another case of WWE trying to write something to make Kurt sound like a bad-ass, but being so ass-hatted that they (in my opinion, anyway) made him sound like a drama queen. If it was on purpose, though? Good play, sirs, as I think it put a little extra zip on RVD's clean win, and helped create some sizzle once they finally turned the pace up for the last 3-4 minutes and slightly-outperformed the standard "WWE-style" End Game.
   
  And just as the week before, in the middle, you had a whole lot of Nothing Much....
   
  Sandman beat up the same Fat Male Stripper that was on RAW the week before, pausing long enough to let the stripper stroke his cane, while Sandman "laughed" at the spectacle, creating the impression of the beer-drinking Sandman mouthjaculating a few healthy ribbons of foamy white substance all over the stripper. Ha? This is by far the least clever of Sandman's lambs yet. The beauty of ECW was its ability to be on the cutting edge of pop culture or "insider" nonsense, which is what made the Sci-Fi-Alien-cum-Zombie and Macho Libre such amusing diversions. A fat male stripper? There's nothing cutting edge or relevant about that. It's just Vince McMahon's retardo-humor, and his desire to ritually humiliate all those around him (as the fat stripper is actually one of WWE's loyal Writer Monkeys, who apparently doesn't have the self-respect to whip out his contract, point to his job description, and say "Nothing in here requires me to go on national TV and make an ass of myself for your amusement, Vince. So either cram it, or you can fire me, and then pay through the nose once I contact an attorney.").
   
  The Vampire was once again lurking about outside, and this time, Joey and Tazz had some fun riffing on why he doesn't just come inside. Why did that suddenly cause me to flashback to.... well, I don't even know what movie/TV-show it was, but I flashed back to a memory that supposedly Vampire Lore means that no Vampire can enter a structure unless specifically invited inside by a Living Human. Maybe the book "Salem's Lot" is where I learned that? For some reason, I'm thinking Stephen King was involved.... in any case, who finally invites the Vampire inside? And which ECW roster member will be revealed as a hardcore Garlic Enthusiast to help keep the Vampire at bay? And most of all: will any of us give a shit?
   
  Big Show and Dreamer? Pretty much what had to happen, if you ask me, right down to them stealing my request from last week about busting out the "Thank you, sir, may I have another" line from Tommy's past. But just cuz it's what "had to" happen didn't make it leap off the page at me. Perhaps because I had, a week before, already kind of pre-expected this was the next step. The question now is: what's the NEXT next step? Cuz we've exhausted this current phase, and now either Show has to talk, or Dreamer has to do a promo in which he reveals more about his intentions with regards to "making Show hardcore." Also: reports were that Show was savaged by fans at the ECW Arena this weekend, but in front of a more "normal" crowd, it's telling that his ass-kickery goes over pretty well, and (as I predicted) that cobra-clutch-neck-breaker is getting a bigger pop each week.
   
  Last thing they squeezed into the middle of the show was Mike Knox and Kelly the Expeditionist (tm, Tazz, via Jeff J. Snider, in exchange for a 4th round draft pick in 2008). And everything I've said about both was pretty much out there for you to see on Tuesday: Kelly was once again too-cute-to-be-whorishly-convincing-as-a-stripper, and Knox didn't suck, but also didn't give us any reason to buy into him as a TV-ready star. But seeing those things thrown up on the screen on Tuesday night, you know what I realized? The reason Knox got the call for this role is because, after about 3-4 more months without a hair cut, he's gonna TOTALLY look like Macho Man Randy Savage, circa 1986.  And even though Kelly lacks the demure class of Miss Elizabeth, she's kind of a latter day, girls-gone-wild-era version of the same character, with a sort of giggly innocence that offsets the exhibitionist gimmick and makes her eminently sympathy-inducing. You know, the kind of girl who makes every reasonably-upstanding dude want to get his punching-fist ready if she's being treated shabbily by another guy; not because you really *like* her, but just because you feel for the poor deer-in-headlights, and know it's the right thing to do. This is actually the one thing on the whole show that probably SHOULD be handled by Vince/Steph/WWE's Creative Team, since Heyman always had a thing for exposing girls to PHYSICAL harm, whereas this re-telling of Macho/Liz requires a deft grasp on how to introduce the right level of EMOTIONAL threat, without it getting too gay. 
   
  Wrapping it all up into one package? Week 2 of ECW was > Week 1 of ECW. But Week 3 of ECW was = Week 2. It's sad if we've already hit the plateau upon which ECW will peak. I'd say next week's TV taping in Philly represented a chance for us to REALLY get a grasp on what ECW has in store, but it's increasingly sounding like hoping for those things is an even more-futile pastime than being an Kansas City Royals fan.
   
  
• The rating on Tuesday? A 2.2. Which is down a tenth from the previous week. Difference is: the previous week had the decisive Game 6 of the NBA Finals as competition. This week's show? Did not.
   
  Obviously, it will take a few more weeks before we really have a sample size that allows us to make meaningful observations about where ECW's audience size is headed, but just from where this pundit sits, I kinda expected that -- if fans were digging the ECW product -- we'd have seen a higher number for this week's show than for the week before.
   
  
• Sadly, things are apparently NOT fixing to get any better in the short term for ECW... this past week's TV taping was run almost exactly the same as any standard WWE taping, with Paul Heyman being visibly pushed to the rear, creatively.
   
  I talked to one guy who said that "The worst things that happened to ECW were doing a 2.8 debut rating, and booking at show at the ECW Arena." Because, according the to story as I heard it, Vince has totally lost his mind, and instead of focusing on what made ECW unique and successful in its own right, all he's obsessing over this week are (1) ECW lost 15% of its audience in its second week, clearly indicating it's time for Panic Mode, and (2) ECW's own fans turned on the product, so instead of listening to them and fixing it, I'll take over and TELL THEM what to like.
   
  Yeah, real smart. 
   
  For whatever it's worth, all these things are changing with great fluidity, and on an almost daily basis. We do appear to be stuck with ECW being an extension of RAW for at least the duration of this 13-week run on Sci-Fi, but beyond that, the tussling and wrangling backstage still hasn't determined an outright winner in terms of whole shape the direction of this New ECW. 
   
  But I'll say this: if the stories from this week's tapings are accurate, it does sound like Vince made his first serious play on icing Heyman out because he thinks he and his daughter and their phalanx of Hollywood failures can do a better job with the ECW brand than Heyman can. The only comfort any of us can take in this is the fact that if ECW still looks the same way, in 6 months, that it looks today, then it will die again, and this time, it won't be Paul Heyman's fault at all.
   
  
• In addition to the Lurking Vampires, and the looming debut of Test, ECW will also soon be welcoming CM Punk as a full time performer. He debuted at the Arena this past weekend, but last night, he also dropped his OVW Title (to Seth Skyfire; really? that's how eviscerated OVW's roster is?), to free him up to work ECW on a full-time basis.
   
  On a semi-related note: as part of the shaking-out-of-ECW-details, it seems that Al Snow (among others) will have fewer ECW commitments than originally envisioned a few weeks back, which means he might be back on more of a full-time trainer basis with OVW's gutted roster of developmental talents. I only say "might" because the right hand doesn't know what the left is doing in WWE/ECW, and by the end of the weekend, Al could have another 6 weeks of ECW dates on his plate. My weekly OVW broadcast was taken away a few weeks ago, so I don't know for sure, but many have written in saying that they don't care what Al did behind the scenes, they just really want him back because the new commentary guy sucks balls.
   
  
• Kurt Angle's promo might have had another purpose on Tuesday.... it could also be setting up a "breakdown" which would explain him taking yet another hiatus. As we talked about months ago, the guy's just not healthy, and that 4-week break he took bought him time, but it didn't solve anything.... so WWE/ECW are bracing for Kurt being out of action for the majority (or possibly the entirety) of the rest of the year, once they come up with the outro plan for him.
   
  One source says Kurt's half-in-denial about his health issues, and half wanting to deal with it so he can be back and firmly in the mix come the Rumble/WrestleMania next year. Hopefully those two warring natures will find some sort of common ground so that Kurt and do an goodbye-for-now angle at or before SummerSlam, and come back better than ever. Or at least: better than he is now, and able to deliver the goods for more than 3 weeks before realizing he needs another vacation.
   
  
• Many readers passed along a link to a recent Randy Orton interview from the UK... Young Randall sat down with WWE's UK home video distributor for what could have just been a bit of PPV/video promotion, but which turned into a Feast of Hilarity. Provided you love dim, dumb, and downright ironic statements.
   
  I'm not quite sure what "highlights" to give you in order to convince you to make the full read, but let's just say that both interviewer and interviewee accept as fact that Orton is a championship-caliber superstar at this point in his career, and has been for over two years. And let's also point out that Orton (1) calls Triple H fat, and (2) says Cena "Can't wrestle worth a damn." HA~! The pot-kettle-black-ness of the latter is almost over-powering, and the HHH-is-fat thing? That's soooooo 2004, Randall. Today, everybody's making fun of that Ronaldo guy from Brazil for being Jabba the Hutt's twin brother! Get with the times, bungwad!
   
  I will, however, pass along one disturbing quote in hopes that if we all act quickly and decisively, we can put an end to this before it starts.... in "word association," Randall responded to "Hulk Hogan" with "See you at WrestleMania." Dear lord, please tell me that Orton ogling Brooke Hogan Monday on RAW was *not* the start of something soul-crushingly retarded. Because if we do the storyline where Randy roofies his way into stealing Brooke's virginity, and Hogan's only response is to come back to WWE to throw shitty, fake punches and drop awful legdrops on Orton by way of Vengeance, I'm guessing that half the crowd will just throw up their hands and not give a shit. And that of the other half, a majority of them will be the kinds of retards who'll cheer for Randall. Don't do this, WWE, I'm beggin' ya.
   
  You can see the whole interview with Orton right here.
   
  
• And since we're on the subject of phenomenal tools, I should quickly mention Chris F. Masters. I made an aside comment in my Monday column that his proscribed 30-day suspension was officially up, and how I was trembling in fear that meant we'd be subjected to his lack of discernable talent again in the near future.
   
  But a little birdie saw that and wrote in to tell me to not be so afraid. Apparently, a combination of many factors (not the least of which is the fact that everybody feels that Masters got the benefit of one of the biggest sustained pushes in recent memory, and accomplished nothing with it) means that there is *not* an institutional mandate to bring Masters back sooner than necessary. For his own good, WWE is talking about taking the time to ensure Masters is healthy and clean before his comeback. And for the good of the product, well, there are even some who are suggesting that Masters might be seen on local TV in Louisville before he's seen on RAW again.
   
  We'll give it a few weeks to make sure the situation doesn't change, but if Masters really is getting a Reality Check and won't be on TV for a while, I hereby declare the middle initial "F." up for grabs. In all honesty, it should be a no-brainer that it goes to Mark Henry, who is the next biggest over-pushed mountain of channel-flip-inducing suck on TV, but since I don't recap SD!, I kinda want to keep it on RAW. Orton's too obvious.... Viscera only has one name, and thus can't use a middle initial.... and Gene F. Snitsky only appears once or twice a month. What's a boy to do?
   
  
• Some TNA stuff:
   
  Ron Killings has joined the exclusive club of guys who have signed multi-year contracts with the company. I think it's now him, AJ, Joe, Christian, the Dudleys, and Rhino.... but as the current week-to-week and one-year contracts expire, TNA will be doing more of these now that they feel confident of their future on Spike TV.
   
  Look for TNA to shuffle their undercard starting at next week's tapings. It won't affect top level stories, but to create the illusion that Jim Cornette is shaking things up, we're gonna rotate out some of TNA's current job squad (like the Diamonds in the Rough, which sucks, since Elix Skipper deserves so much better), and bring in/bring back other enhancement-level talents for at least a few months.
   
  TNA has shut down it's sanctioned fan forums, and replaced it with a MySpace page. The reason? I've been told it's because even TNA started to hate the "jack-off" mentality and negativity on their own forums and wanted to put their fans back in their place: as passive viewers, not as dimwitted-think-they're-contributors-but-are-really-just-tards. Sadly, what TNA failed to realize is that unless you are (1) under 21 and (2) so very very awkward, then you have no business having a MySpace page. If I were you people: I'd get ready for me to turn this into an on-going anti-TNA riff, as I honestly have no patience for anybody who sees any use for MySpace (and am ready to assholishly profess it to the world, now that I've seen that one "Trendspotting" skit on the Daily Show which makes me quite positive I am in the right on this issue and not just being a curmudgeon).
   
  And expect TNA to finally promote their first PPV outside of Orlando before year's end. Everybody expects Detroit (well, just outside of Detroit, at whatever the building was that had the TNA house show on St. Patty's day) to get the first call, but SpikeTV (due to their UFC fetish and established relationships) has a hard-on for Vegas happening at some point soon, and preferably proximate to something UFC related.
  
   
• Dont' know 100% for sure if this is true or not, but if it is, I also don't know 100% for sure how to feel about it.
   
  But the buzz around the developmentals is that the Freakin' Deacon was told that his "Fake Kane" gimmick was over at tapings on Monday. In fact, the unmasking may well have been the last we see of him...
   
  Some say the crappy fan response at the PPV resulted in the sudden change of booking plans (which had previously called for a blow-off match at SummerSlam), but others say they think that WWE will continue with the story, just minus the Deacon; in other words, they'll let the story rest for a bit, and then bring in somebody else to be the "face" of Kane's tormentor.
   
  I honestly don't know what to say about this. On one hand, the storyline was shit, and I can't possibly be upset to see it gone. But on the other: I am a rational, thinking person who likes logical resolution in all things, and WWE just suddenly deciding to write-out Fake Kane without closure grates on me.
   
  I guess the lesson here is that WWE listens to fans. But only sometimes, and on the issues of the most minute importance. Because if they tanked this storyline due to bad crowd reactions, but are still trying to push John Cena as a babyface, there's at least a double standard in place.
   
  
• WWE.com has announced the release of Johnny Parisi.... if you're going "who?", then join the club, because until I wracked my brain to remember that was the new identity for Johnny Swinger, I was baffled for a few seconds, too. He had some moderate "success" on Heat (by which I mean he won matches over guys even more useless than he), but even that was months ago, and he's been invisible ever since.
   
  
• You want even more pointless and obscure than Johnny Parisi? OK, here's a good 'un that would make Wade Keller and his legions of idiot "obscure wrestling reference" loving readers weep with glee....
   
  So last night, Chris Matthews was the guest on the Colbert Report, and he and Stephen Colbert became locked in a battle of nerves to determine which Cable TV Blowhard had the Harder Balls. When the confrontation broke down the Feats of Strength, guess what happened: Matthews busted out the Full Nelson Challenge. I am NOT shitting you. Nor could Stephen break the hold. D'oh.
   
  Do we dub him Chris F. Matthews? Perhaps even: the Matthewspiece? 
   
  
• I think that's all I got for today, folks.....
   
  Tonight is TNA on Spike, and I'm still crossing my fingers for More Nash. Yes, I know: I'm the only one, but I'm liking me Big Sexy The Midget Killer.
   
  If Nash Happens, then I won't be the only one who has an bizarre itch scratched tonight. Actually: now that I think about it, I can't remember if it was from the actual spoilers, or if it was another conversation I had about upcoming TNA plans, but let's just say Jason Longshore is about to get his Traci back on TV.
   
  Check it out, and then I'm *thinking* I'll just take a day off tomorrow afternoon and hold back TNA and SD! Recaps till Saturday. The only way that would change is if I get a bug up my ass to finish the last 10% of an Updated Post-Monday Wars Ratings Analysis, and throw that up as a feature early tomorrow. All the charts and graphs are actually done, but my ego (and my laziness) might dictate not finishing it up, and then posting it some other weekend that's NOT gonna be affected by Fourth of July observations (and the lower readership that'll go along with it).
   
  We'll see how it goes, kids. I know for a fact I'll talk to you again before the Fourth, proper, but if you're celebrating on the closest adjacent weekend, well, then this is my last chance to tell you all: have fun, be safe, and I'll see you soon.