A little "column in two parts" action today, kids.... cuz there's a small batch of relevant midweek news, but I'm also gonna throw in a mini ECW Recap (since I've got Jeff and Danny in kind of a rotation on recapping it, but this week Jeff's on vacation and Danny's got some stuff going on in his real life, so I didn't want to bug either of them) at the end.
 

But first, the amazing tale of a baffling brainteaser that showed up in my inbox yesterday:

I'm not a huge online shopper, but I've been known to pick up a thing or five from Amazon (especially when I have a good quarter with the referral ads here at OO and decide to take part of my pay-out in the form of Gift Certificates), and at

Nine times out of 10, Amazon's e-mails are just plain useless. They're either recommending something I already own, or something that I know I will never own because it sucks, no matter what their cross-referenced database tells them about other people's buying habits. One time out of 10, I might actually learn something.

And then there's what happened yesterday, when I got the e-mail that reads: "You've purchased several books by Kurt Vonnegut. We've noticed that customers who purchase books by Kurt Vonnegut also purchase David Rees' book Basic Engineering Plasticity: An Introduction with Engineering and Manufacturing Applications, which is being released in paperback soon. We thought you might like to pre-order your copy today!"

"Basic Engineering Plasticity"? The fuck? I even clicked the link, thinking that (knowing Vonnegut's sense of humor as I do) this might be some like-minded author playing a prank by giving his novel a purposely (and comically) misleading title. But nope: it's a real engineering handbook. So I repeat: The Fuck?

I thought you kids might get a kick out of that hiccup in the multi-billion dollar Amazon infrastructure.... either that, or that you'd get a kick out of brainstorming how these two things possibly got cross-referenced. Cuz I'm open to pretty much any and all suggestions.

On with the show.... bit o' news first, bit 'o recap second.

MIDWEEK NEWSBITES

• Monday's RAW did a 3.8 rating, which is down yet another notch from the past few weeks, and begins to suggest the overall "health" of the show is slipping. The last time RAW was at 4.0 or better was now a month ago....
   
  WWE had an excuse on July 3 (because of the long holiday weekend). If they wanted, they could have used the Home Run Derby as an excuse to explain July 10's rating (3.9). But another 3.9 last week and then a 3.8 this week have no easily-identified causes other than "Fewer people were interested in watching the show than they were back in June, before things kinda started sucking again." The further downturn in ratings also came on a week when Hulk Hogan made his first RAW appearance since October, which portends very bad things.
   
  Until the July 10, 17, and 24 editions of RAW, the show had only failed to score 4.0 or better ONE TIME the entire year (discounting holidays and the Dog Show preemption). In other words: Edge's first reign made him the Highest Rated Champion in Five Years.... but so far this one makes him the lowest-rated champion of 2006. Also of note: RAW's 10-week Moving Average is back down to a 4.0 for the first time since mid-January.
   
  Monthly average ratings for RAW: 4.3 (Jan.), 4.1 (Feb.), 4.2 (March), 4.2 (April), 4.1 (May, excludes Memorial Day rating), 4.2 (June), 3.9 (July, excludes July 3 rating). Summer doldrums, or are fans just picking up on what I've been noticing the past month: the fact that after a strong 3-month post-WM run, RAW has finally cooled off substantially, quality-wise?
   
  Monday's show certainly was a guilty conspirator in that downward spiral.... the show once again failed to capitalize on its champion, Edge, to any significant degree... the show's "anchor" segment with Hogan and Orton was insipidly bland and pointless (unless you count sowing the seeds for an Orton/Lawler match on one of the week's Prima Donna Hogan can't be bothered to show up on RAW).... and outside of the killer Carlito/Shelton match, I'm hard-pressed to tell you one thing from the show that I still remember with clarity and fondness. It was just one of those Bleh shows: certainly nowhere near "good," but not even considerate enough to stink out loud so we'd have something to make fun of.
   
  You can get the full report in this week's dependably-excellent OO RAW Recap.
   
  
• Tuesday's ECW on Sci-Fi will be recapped below, so just keep reading if you want quick results and all my thoughts. But the quick version is: not very good.
   
  But the ratings are holding damned steady: a 2.4 this week. Bitch as we might about it, WWE and NBC/Universal are no doubt patting themselves on the back for how the "Hour Three of RAW" concept has really panned out well for both of them. Needless to say: with these ratings, ECW will last far longer than the current 13-week contract they've got with Sci-Fi (and in fact, if an extension isn't done, it's in the works, as Sci-Fi is listed as the lead sponsor on ECW house shows as distant as October).
   
  
• The SD! roster has taken 2 MORE hits above and beyond what we talked about on Monday....
   
  Following Tuesday's TV tapings, Matt Hardy was sent home for what his official website is claiming is a mild staph infection that WWE wants fully knocked out before he continues competing. The conspiracy minded among you will no doubt still latch on to the suspicious fact that the antibiotics regimen is slated to take 30 days.
   
  And Tatanka is also off the road for "about a month" with an unspecified "personal issue." Not being on to spread rumors, I'll refrain from the idle speculation that Tatanka losing as much weight as did between his last RAW appearance and his SD! debut might make this guesswork kinda easy. Hell, even the legal "trucker speed" that they sell at gas stations can seriously fuck with your heart rate and metabolism... whoops, that wasn't a very good job of "refraining," now, was it?
   
  Those two join Bobbly Lashley (liver) Kid Kash ("personal reasons"), Super Crazy (undisclosed health issue, but rumored to be liver-related), and the Great Khali (liver) as SD! stars who've been benched in the past five days.
   
  The predominance of liver problems (and the fact that apparently the problems are not duplicated on the RAW roster) is really freaking weird. Current suspicion is that it's got something to do with training supplements (even the legal ones can cause liver problems). I've also gotten mail from people who say that hepatitis is a common root cause for liver enzyme problems.... would it be in bad taste to make a Bob Orton joke here?
   
  We'll have to wait and see; all the liver guys are undergoing testing and retesting to see if things normalize (and if they do, that'll point to the cause of the problem, and point to what behaviors/supplements to avoid).... but till that next round of answers is forthcoming, it's just really bizarre how hard SD!'s getting hit by Wellness Related Issues, while RAW (except for Chris F. Masters) is getting off scot-free.
   
  
• Kurt Angle is back on TV next week. If you wanted to note that it's been 30 days since his last appearance, well.... you'd probably be within your rights to do so, but I'm not really in any position to be the one to thrust aside the effective smokescreen that WWE and some of Kurt's associates put up a month ago to explain his then-impending absence. So I'll just clam up and say it'll be good to have you back, Kurt. Now: please don't kill yourself.
   
  
• Billy Kidman wrestled dark matches at both WWE TV tapings this week, looking to get back with the company. He wrestled under a mask both nights, but most astute fans picked him out. The name he used was apparently "Menocu".... which is probably actually meant to be spelled with the more Asiatic "Minoku," but Mr. Show aficionados will know why my version is funnier.
   
  
• At RAW tapings, Victoria wrestled a Heat match, and was visibly injured. The ref threw up the Dreaded X, but Victoria regrouped, finished the match (she pinned Torrie Wilson), and only accepted assistance afterwards. She was heavily favoring her knee (the one with the brace, which she wears as a result of a 3-year-old injury that she opted to work through and rehab, instead of get operated on).
   
  
• Other diva injury news: Maria currently has a broken thumb suffered at a house show a week or so ago, which obviously won't affect he schedule or her work.... and Kristal got a scare after the Great American Bash (she was even hospitalized for testing), with what turned out to only be badly bruised ribs.
   
  
• Does Randy Orton get mocked too much around here? I say no way! Not as long as the guy can't go a week without doing something so abysmally stupid or inept, and practically BEGS for us to point it out...
   
  So here is today's installment of "How Ridiculous Can Randy Orton Get?": just click here to go to WWE.com's poll for Randy Orton's next t-shirt. Then check out Option #4. Carefully. Then vote for it (repeatedly, if you like), because you can't stop laughing at the perfect irony of it.
   
  I'd say more, but let's not tip WWE off, OK? Because if that t-shirt wins, and Randy Orton starts wearing it (with no modifications from the current form) on TV, I make you this solemn promise, OO Nation: I, Rick Scaia, will purchase a six pack of Corona, a lime, and that t-shirt, and GLADLY post a picture of myself wearing the latter while holding the most emasculating combination of the former two items possible. Fuck my pride: I'll do whatever it takes to get Young Randall on TV wearing that shirt....
   
  
• Much e-mail feedback after Monday's column in which I mentioned the Dudleys "leaving" TNA... for the record: it was just a promo, one designed to underscore the Dudleys' frustration at their lack of success in TNA so far, and their need to rest, regroup, and come back better than ever. [Christ guys, you got a 10 month paid vacation at the end of your WWE run, and now you're burnt out after working 2 days per month for TNA?]
   
  But to answer some of the nagging questions: yes, the Dudleys only signed a one year TNA contract last fall. And no, they have not (as far as I know) signed any extensions. But there's still two months to address that, and most assume it will be addressed. [Although: if we accept that my Fantasy Booking Idea for the long-term, over-arching Primary ECW Storyline is awesome and should be implemented.... how fricking awesome would it be to have the Duds come back and join Dreamer/Sandman/Sabu/et al. as ECW Alumni who are pissed off at Paul Heyman for selling out to Vince and pissing away the legacy of ECW, and who are prepared to fight their asses off to win that legacy back, or prepared to raise such hell that they'll burn this embarrassing New ECW to the ground trying.]
   
  In reality, I gather the Duds' absence is one-part a way to build a storyline and add depth to their characters, but it's also one-part due to the fact that the Duds' contracts called for [x] number of dates over the span of one year, and they'll just be sitting out two TV tapings and a PPV so TNA can avoid having to pay any overages on this current contract. Or something. It didn't make a whole lot of sense when I had it half-explained to me (why not just shell out the extra grand or two?), but I was assured there's no point in getting worked up over this being the end of the Dudleys in TNA. So you probably shouldn't, either.
   
  PS: Same goes for Monty Brown, since I guess his contract is up around the same time as the Dudleys, and that's been floating around the 'net, and gotten some of your panties bunched. Just ask yourself: would WWE really be all that interested in a guy who is essentially Ahmed Johnson 2K6? [Those answering, "Um, Rick, but wasn't Paul Heyman the one who broke Brown into the business back in ECW in 1999?" would be (a) correct and (b) in need of an eyeball punch for even making me think they might be onto something.]
   
  
• Last thing, by way of a segue to the ECW Recap....
   
  On Yahoo!, I was clicking around doing some of my usual reading, and in the entertainment section, I stumbled across a poll which asked "What do you think of the new ECW?".... I'm starting to think that Yahoo's file on me has finally grown to the point where they realize I might be a wrestling fan, eh?
   
  Anyway, even among the Unwashed Masses, I think the results of the poll mimic a lot of what us Internet Jackoff types think... out of over 10,000 votes cast, the far and away winner was "It's no different at all, it's just another WWE brand" with 65% of the vote. "It has potential, but hasn't recreated the spirit of ECW yet" got 19%. And "It's just great to have ECW back! ECW! ECW! ECW!" got 16%.
   
  
• With that, I'll quickly tag on the ECW recap, and I'll also promise you folks that you will be rewarded handsomely if you come on back to OO tomorrow or over the weekend. You'll get the usual SD! and TNA coverage, but this weekend, you'll also get a fancy-ass OO Special Feature, scribed by Yours Truly...
   
  That's right: "Vince McMahon: Star Maker, Star Breaker" is coming soon to a PC monitor near you. It's already 80% done, and I'm pretty happy with the framework/over-riding thesis (and as you know, I've been happy with the interesting little bits o' data going back a full week, now)... I think you'll all find it illuminating and interesting as an object lesson into the promotional proclivities of one Vincent Kennedy McMahon.
   
  Don't miss it.

 
ECW MINI-RECAP: BECAUSE THIS EPISODE STANK SO BAD IT DOESN'T DESERVE A FULL SIZED ONE

Opening Theme/No-Pyro-Cuz-Pyro-Ain't-Hardcore/Etc., and we're live in Detroit, MI, where there's no time to waste, cuz there's already somebody in the ring. Oh wait: it's Mike Knox. Which means we ARE wasting time here at the top of the show....

Mike Knox is Not Very Macho

Knox has Kelly the Expeditionist with him, and starts off sounding like he's almost apologizing for what happened last week. But he's not. Instead, he turns it around at the last second, and claims that Sandman so totally caned her on purpose and that he's never been more concerned in his entire life than he was when Kelly got stretchered out. He punctuates this with a few lengthy (and unnecessary, since he just fucking told us the whole story using his words) video clips. These are presented picture-in-picture style, so as to allow Kelly, sac-achingly cute as she may be, to utterly fail to convey any sort of compelling emotional response to the footage of Knox blatantly pulling her in the way of a cane shot.

Then Knox changes gears, and tries to get threatening. But let's just say no matter how much the hair and beard and storyline are screaming "Macho Man Savage 1986," Knox's voice screams "Harold the limp-dicked wuss from accounting." Not very intimidating. He's says something about Kelly not being allowed to strip ever again, because look what happens: you get hurt, honey. Boo? Then he says he wants to get back at Sandman for what he did to Kelly, and throws down the mic.

And then there's a hugely-awkward pause while Joey Styles announces that, in fact, Knox vs. Sandman is a scheduled match, and it's next.... more awkward pause, and then Sandman's shitty music starts, and I guess by "next," Joey actually meant "now"....

Sandman vs. Mike Knox

Sandman's trying to finish a beer when Knox jumps him from behind. The most simplistic of punchy-stompy for 60 seconds, then Sandman counters with a side-Russian legsweep (which Joey calls the White Russian Leg Sweep, even though it's not, since there was no cane involved).

Then Sandman decides to go get his cane, but Kelly (as dumb as she is cute) gets into the ring and throws herself on top of Knox to prevent Sandman having a clear shot. Sandman pauses, which gives Test (?) the time he needs to run in from the crowd and take Sandman's head off with a big boot.

Your Winner: Sandman, via disqualification, in under 2 minutes. Bleh.

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Backstage: Knox and Test are congratulating each other on their totally kick-ass beatdown of the Sandman. Out of the blue: there's Tommy Dreamer to throw himself at Test and beat the crap out of him for a second or two before things get broken up... so, ummm, hey, plus 10 for something resembling episodic TV, finally? Now we have a reason to anticipate a Knox/Test vs. Sandman/Dreamer tag match! And by "anticipate," I mean "well, it still has Knox in it, so I'm not really anticipating it much at all."

Elsewhere Backstage: Paul Heyman (flanked by his SWAT Team) is talking to Sabu. Apparently Sabu has just demanded an ECW Title Shot versus Big Show (but did it off-camera so as not to piss off the purists who think Sabu should never be seen speaking). But Heyman's not so sure that's a good idea.... cuz Show, he's all big and gianty and dangerous and stuff. So for Sabu's own good, Heyman's not making that match. Not tonight.... and you know what? Not ever. Never ever never. Sabu will never face Big Show. [Except on house shows across the nation.] I'd assumed they'd just go with RVD vs. Show as ECW's SummerSlam title match, but if they do this right, I'll ditch my bitchiness long enough to admit this was the one interesting story development all night: Sabu having to bust his ass to get that ECW Title shot (it's a title he never won when ECW was actually in business on its own). It might even be better if you drew it out longer, perhaps to ECW's November/December lone-brand PPV...

Kubrick Segue: after gas-facing Sabu, Heyman leaves, and the cameras follow. He eventually walks past Little Guido, and stops.... Heyman's all "What'd you just say?" although Guido clearly didn't say anything. But Heyman doesn't care, he just sics his SWAT Team on Guido, and they beat the crap out of him for a minute or so. Then Heyman calls them off and declares that Guido's match is next. When Guido is unable to get to his feet, Heyman asks the SWAT Team to carry him out to the ring. This is a perfect set-up if they want to reveal the SWAT Team are (as I've been advocating for 3 weeks, now) the Basham Brothers. But while I've been advocating that, several readers have written in to say that it's patently obvious that in 2 weeks, Heyman will be stunned when RVD turns out to be under one of the helmets. Ah well.... could go either way, I guess, but I like my way better.

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Vignette: CM Punk has had the discipline to wait for the proper moment... but that moment will be next week when he finally gets to step into an ECW ring. With the build up, it'll be interesting to see how fans react... heel or face? That's what I'm curious to see. I know I say "heel," but that's only because I can count on one hand the number of self-important straight-edge types I've met who I can tolerate.

The Follower of Vampirism vs. Little Guido

That's seriously what they called him the whole match: the "Follower of Vampirism." So lame. Vampire Guy was decked out in an old-school Undertaker outfit (complete with a dickey -- mheh heh heh, I said dickey! -- and fat old-westy tie), and had Shelley The Tarot Chick with him, except at some point while I was only nominally paying attention, they renamed her "Ariel," which is actually not so bad, I guess.

The SWAT Team threw Guido into the ring, and from there, I just hope you like squash. Actually, at about 2-3 minutes long, this wound up entering the realm of an almost-decent "Showcase Match," as Vampire Guy hit a couple nice big moves. Then again, I always liked Se7en/Mordecai/Fertig from what I saw, and didn't understand why WWE ever released him to begin with (given who they keep around), so what do I know. Match ends with a Razor's Edge (or "crucifix powerbomb" if you don't want the brand name).

Your Winner: The Follower of Vampirism, via pinfall, in 3 minutes. Not offensively bad, or anything, but it's still a squash, and it's still something that I'm not sure I'm patient enough to deal with on a one-hour show that should be jam-packed to the gills with Actual Content.

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Vignette: "The Reject" Shannon Moore is coming. Coming to make us all laugh and laugh and laugh at how redonkulously gay he looks.

Balls Mahoney vs. Justin Credible

Balls gets a full ring entrance. Justin does not. Advantage: Balls.

And yet, despite the apparent subliminal messaging that Justin's here to do the job, this somehow turned into an interminible 8 minute match. I'm not joking. And it wasn't Extreme Rules, either. It was 8 minutes of 2 long-standing ECW curtain jerkers attempting to have a straight-up wrestling match.

No sale. 

I'll just give you the short version: fast start for Balls so that the part of the crowd that cared could do the "Balls" chant along with his punches. Then Justin took over and boringed his way through about 4 minutes. Then Balls made a comeback so the same part of the crowd from before could "Balls" along with his punches. Then there was a ref bump. Then Justin went and grabbed a chair. Then Balls intercepted him, and the chair fell to the mat. Then Balls picked up the chair. Then the ref woke up just in time to see Balls whack Justin over the head with the chair.

Your Winner: Justin Credible, via DQ because this wasn't ECW Rules even though I was under the impression I was watching ECW, in about 8 minutes. Way too long and with way to lame of a finish to justify all that time. Balls' gimmick is doling out wicked chairshots, but Justin pussed out big time, and the decisive chairshot looked awful. [Yes, I know it's mean to ask Justin to suffer grievous head injuries for my amusement, but it's the guy's fricking FINISHER; either try to make it look good, or step aside and find somebody else who will.] The shot Balls gave to the ref afterwards looked more convincing.

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Big Show vs. Kane (ECW Title Match)

Hey, at least this one is under ECW Rules. Now: to see if they take advantage of them....

Very basic slobberknockering to start in the ring, and then after about 2 minutes, Kane decides it's time to get Extreme. He goes outside and starts looking under the ring. Big Show follows, but gets tossed into the steel ringpost for his troubles. Kane then proceeds to extract three 6-foot banquet tables from underneath the ring. But while he was doing that, Big Show was recovering.

Big Show waylays Kane from behind. Kane's down at ringside. Big Show's still hurting a bit. Let's break for....

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Back, and Big Show is in control, and using his standard methodical offense (chops and punches, mostly). Certainly nothing extreme. Kane gets a mini-rally, but Show snuffs that out by finally making use of a steel chair and a trashcan that were hanging out in the ring.

Then Big Show got wacky, and started heading up the ropes (seemingly to hit a moonsault? It's been a damned decade since the first reports that Show was practicing a moonsault in the WCW Power Plant.... a damned decade, and probably 120 pounds ago, too); but Kane caught him and did a little back suplex that they oversold as being way more impressive than it actually looked. Thus began a solid stretch of offense for Kane.

Nothing fancy about it: it's pretty much the same as you'd see on any given Monday. But then Kane goes for the chokeslam, and that doesn't quite work as, since Show is, you know, Big and stuff. They end up milking it for a bit, and then doing the double-goozle spot (which defies all logic and physics) and milk that some more. Finally Show is the one who hits the chokeslam, but it only nets him a two count.

Frustrated, Show goes outside to the tables Kane had scattered at ringside, and sets up a double-wide... he goes back into the ring and pulls Kane over to the side, where he obviously intends to suplex Kane from the inside of the ring, down through the tables at ringside. Which would be a pretty major ouchy. But Kane counters with a few punches to the gut. Once released, Kane tries a punch to the head. Show starts to teeter backwards, as if HE might go through the tables. Another punch, another teeter. Finally Kane just grabs a chair, whacks Show, and Show falls backwards through the double-wide. Except: not quite backwards, since he turned to aim his body, and landed more with his hands/shoulder breaking the fall. Not unimpressive, and I shan't advocate unsafe stunts, but like Justin's shitty chairshot-take, some of the impact was sapped out of this spot as a result....

Heyman ran out and started tending to his Handpicked Champion. Heyman wanted to stop the match, but Show (now bloody from the chairshot) got up and got in the ring. But he was not in the best of condition, and Kane quickly chokeslammed him. One. Two. Heyman pulls the ref out of the ring.

So Kane pulls Heyman into the ring, and is threatening to tombstone him.... which is when Big Show grabs a chair, wallops Kane in the back. Once Kane released Heyman, there's one more wallop for Kane's skull. Then there's another chokeslam. And this time, Kane's staying down.

Your Winner: Big Show, via pinfall, in about 10-12 minutes. Better than last week's craptacular Show/Taker main event.... but wouldn't it almost have had to have been? Couple of big spots, anyway, with a clean finish (needed given Show's appearance on the SD! PPV). At the end of the day, however, this is still just a reheated version of a RAW feud that never got around to blowing us away with in-ring action...

After the Match: Big Show was celebrating when Sabu ran in, hit one springboard kick (with a chair in between his feet and Big Show's face), and then left. Big Show sold the spot for about 30 seconds, and then the final image of the night was him seething. For Big Show's next trick: I'm assuming he DEMANDS to defend the ECW Title against Sabu.