Nothing fancy for today, kids, for as you know, as a proud American, this most sacred of holidays dictates that I spend all day going about my normal business exactly as I always do. Just without doing any banking.

Or getting any mail.

But everything else is the same. God bless Presidents' Day!
 

• Last night's No Way Out PPV is being soundly lambasted as a subpar effort that only took on a Major Event Aura once the main event hit the stage. Which was a disappointment to some fans, who are finding SmackDown!'s week-to-week Friday night efforts to be improving dramatically lately.
   
  Well, sillies, this was so far from being a "SmackDown! PPV" that maybe you shouldn't have been shocked: the sheer pointless of ECW oozed in, along with some of RAW's patented suckoutlouditude.
   
  Here's what happened, compiled from the thoughts of several helpful readers (sorry, I had family in town, so no PPV for The Me last night):
   
  Chris Benoit and the Hardys beat MNM and Mumblyjoe Valencia Porter (or NAMBLA, for short). This match was added because Vince McMahon doesn't want fans getting used to the Hardys working as a tag team. But apparently somebody DID manage to convince him that this match would die on the table if it was just Benoit vs. MVP. So come on down, Stars From RAW! Benoit made Mercury tap out in a match that was supposedly OK, but not as good as you might expect from these five (and MVP).
   
  Chavo Guerrero won an 8-man Gauntlet Match to win the Cruiserweight Title. Gregory Helms, who had held the title for 13 months, was beaten in the middle of the match, and Chavo last pinned Jimmy Wang Yang to win. Seven decisions in roughly 10-12 minutes meant everyone unanimously agreed this thing was INSANELY rushed and too short to build up to anything exciting.
   
  Finlay and Little Bastard beat Boogeyman and Boogeymini. Finlay brutalized and pinned Boogeymini for the win. Everybody seemed to hate this, but I probably would have thought it was funny; blame Al Snow.
   
  Kane beat Booker T. Clean chokeslam pinfall win for Kane in a match that sounded otherwise bland and uneventful.
   
  London/Kendrick beat Deuce/Domino to retain the tag titles. As I've been joking for the past week, it's a match we'd already seen twice on SD! for free... and by most accounts, the third go-round on PPV was the worst of the batch. One reader even got REALLY pissy and said it was "back-to-OVW" bad for Deuce and Domino. If that happens, it's probably curtains for the team, and WWE will just go ahead and recapackage Deuce while finally admitting that he is Jimmy Snuka's son.
   
  Ken Kennedy beat Bobby Lashley via DQ; Lashley retains the ECW Title. Not too hateful, but the crowd just couldn't really give a damn either way, so. Kennedy caused a ref bump and tried to use a steel chair; Lashley got the chair and actually DID use it. The ref woke up, saw that, and DQ'ed Lashley. That makes 2 PPVs in a row where the fricking *ECW* Title was contested in a match that ended in a DQ. That is so wrong, it actually makes my brain hurt. How this helped either man, I don't know; though I guess it didn't hurt either one...
   
  Ashley won the "Diva Talent Contest." Your entire b-list of Divas did stupid shit, then Ashley took off her top to reveal little Playboy Bunny Pasties, and was declared the winner. How bad was this? Even with things limited to the b-list, Kristal couldn't be bothered to show up and give Truly Discriminating Gentlemen at least one genuinely phenomenal piece of ass to ogle.
   
  Shawn Michaels and John Cena beat Undertaker and Batista. Standard back-and-forthy, with Cena eventually playing the Babyface in Peril, which was funny, since he was getting over 50% boos from the Los Angeles audience (the only man in the match to get any, until the end). Hot tag to Michaels, chaos breaks loose, and in the four-way brawling, Undertaker bumps into Batista, who decides *NOW* is a good time for a little revenge, and he hits a powerbomb on Taker, then leaves the ring. Cena follows up with an F-U, then Michaels hits a Superkick on Taker, and pins him.  After the match, Michaels and Cena managed to leave together peacefully enough, and Batista returned to stand around and taunt until Taker did a Zombie Sit-Up, and the PPV ended with a staredown. 
   
  Again, opinions seemed to range from those who thought this would have been just fine if it was a weekly show on Free TV (but not so much if you're asked to pony up $40), to those who were genuinely upset by the crappiness of a few of the matches/segments and thought the show outright sucked. In either case, I'm not rushing out to get my hands on a tape or a replay, and I'd probably advise the same for you.
   
  
• WWE.com probably didn't do the company any favors when they spent Sunday hyping Steve Austin as being at the PPV, misleading fans to believe he might appear on-screen. Instead, all that happened is they had an interview with former soccer-player Vinnie Jones, who co-stars in Austin's new film.
   
  The plan? Well, just think Hogan vs. Zeus from 10 years ago. I wish I were making that up, but I'm not....
   
  Anyway, after the tease, Austin didn't show up anywhere on the show, except as the target of Jones' derrogotory comments. Wheeee.
   
  
• JBL called the last hour of the PPV almost single-handedly, as Michael Cole was battling illness and lost his voice. Cole's voice finally gave out for good mere moments into the main event, leaving JBL completely on his own.
   
  By all accounts, he comported himself very well. Which is not surprising, since we ARE talking about JBL, here: 2006's OO Television Personality of the Year.
   
  
• There are indications that Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler will be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame in 2007, and that they might even be the next inductees announced. 
   
  No way could anybody argue with either induction, though I wish they'd purposely try to separate the two so as to emphasize that JR is going in for his amazing work as an announcer, while Lawler had a legit HoF *wrestling* career before becoming a hit-and-miss/sometimes-face-punchably-bad announcer (the latter being merely a footnote to his induction).
   
  I also got an e-mail from somebody who said that Afa was telling fans at a recent public appearance that the Wild Samoans would also be inducted this year. If Umaga's gonna keep on brutalizing legends, *that* could get at least a little interesting.... maybe take my idea from Friday about Foley/Umaga, and if it's medically feasible, turn it into Afa/Sika/Umaga vs. Dusty/Piper/Foley. That could be sorta neat. Or just do Umaga vs. Foley, but use the Samoans and Dusty/Piper as ringside distractios.
   
  I will not be satisfied unless the match includes at least one chicken-head-biting and one coconut shot to the noggin (no sold, of course). That could be awesomely fun.
   
  
• WSX is re-assuring fans that this week is only a one-week hiatus from MTV due to content-related issues, and that they'll be back in their normal timeslot(s) the week of February 26, having simply skipped a week in which Vampiro has a fireball thrown at him, and then re-editing future shows in a more-conservative fashion.
   
  Whatever. If ratings don't pick up from last week's 0.5, the real story is that it's highly unlikely MTV would invest in any more episodes past the first 10. Then again, maybe that wouldn't be so awful if WSX tried to scrape along independent of MTV for a while (including using the internet to distribute content), and got away from the retardo-production that pretty much kills any wrestling fan interest in the current TV show.
   
  
• There are reports that WWE is interested in bringing in Mistico, currently one of Mexico's top drawing performers. There are also indications that Mistico's current employers don't even want him to come visit for try-out matches (WWE has TV tapings the next few weeks in California), and are pressuring Mistico to stay at home.
   
  WWE's interest in Mistico has a lot of people wondering, since WWE would probably have to work a little harder to pry him away from Mexico, and it's not like they've ever had a ton of success promoting luchadors.... but then again, with Rey Mysterio's contract supposedly another of the ones that expires before the end of this year, WWE could just be looking to re-cast the role of "tiny, masked high-flyer," even if just as a ploy to put pressure on Rey in contract negotiations.
   
  
• Speaking of contracts, the new conventional wisdom is that whatever Rob Van Dam decides to do, it will be motivated by purely financial concerns. If WWE ponies up, he'll stay; if they don't, and TNA can come up with a 3-dates-per-month deal for decent money (and allows Rob to accept other indie and Japan bookings to augment his income), Rob will be gone.
   
  I hadn't really realized it, but the dude is pushing 40, and he's more than wise to be making decisions that'll help set him up for his post-wrestling life.
   
  
• Big Show's WWE contract expired this weekend, which is only notable because there is word going around that Show has even rejected an offer to a "WWE Legends" contract which would basically grant WWE Full Exclusivity over his name and likeness. In other words: Show would get paid to not go work anywhere else.
   
  Some people think it's very odd that Show wouldn't take the "free money." Myself, I'm not so sure, since Show already *has* money, and not a lot of guys outside of the significantly older (and sometimes partially destitute) ex-wrestlers have signed these "WWE Legends" deals so far.
   
  
• Finally, for today.... RAW is back in its usual slot this week, live tonight at 9pm. Which means that christ am I gonna have to do some creative TV Watching. RAW, and "24," *and* the Star Trek thing on History Channel? Oy.
   
  The real main focus of the show seems to be the "Search for Representatives" in the Trump vs. Vince war. Which leads me to ponder two questions: (1) is Vince probably furious at Britney Spears or what? One day after he snags some tabloid coverage for his company with the "Hair vs. Hair" stipulation, Britney goes and gives the shaved skull away for free, and it's all anybody will want to talk about. That BITCH~!
   
  [Total Tangent: does anybody besides me get a HUGE kick out of listening to people pontificate emotionally about how painful it is to watch Britney's suddenly dubious behavior. It's enough that you could ALMOST fall under the misapprehension that she was ever famous for anything that WASN'T dubious. From underage jailbait trailer park trash who couldn't actually sing, to legal trailer park trash who still couldn't sing, to married trailer park trash who took a 4 year vacation from not-singing, to vagina-flashing drunken antics. Is it really *that* much of a downward spiral? I just laugh and laugh when I see heart-broken hand-wringing going on from people who apparently think that Britney was ever known for her talent or class, and that sharing her well-coifed girl-parts with the world will somehow tarnish her reputation with anybody who's been paying attention. Britney is, today, essentially the same thing she was 5 years ago; or however far back I'm allowed to go and have the use of the description "wang-warmer" be legal in most of the contiguous 48 States. Batshit-crazy and talentless or no, there's something mostly-sad-but-oddly-fascinating about a good-looking famous chick worth hundreds of millions of dollars who can -- even if just for a few minutes during a crack-bender -- still give the impression that she's so miserable that the only thing in the entire world that will make her feel worthwhile and loved is a Vesuvian-like eruption from your Mancano. She is what she is, she is what she was, and I got a mind to say that 99% of the reason why she's probably gone even slightly more-tard lately has a lot to do with people expecting her to be something she just ain't. Ah, well....]
   
  Oh, and my second of two questions: (2) why are they going so far out of the way to keep calling it a "Representative" instead of an "Apprentice." Doesn't the latter just seem like a no-brainer, given Trump's involvement? 
   
  Anyway, we'll see if they're still thinking about Lashley vs. Khali, or if they'll go a different route (clearly, after last night, there is unfinished business between Lashley and Kennedy that would certainly be WAY more interesting to see play out, especially since ECW may need YET ANOTHER heel, since Test is suspended for a few more weeks and talk is that Holly's not gonna be able to hold out from arm surgery much longer).
   
  They can also use tonight's show to jumpstart the animosity between Cena and Michaels. They've played nicely enough together so far, but now it's on to WM23, and we can start thinking about getting those tag team titles off of them so that they can focus on the Big Spinny Belt, instead. Cryme Tyme *are* technically the #1 Contender's (and have been for a month), but I'd have to think you'd do something like use Edge/Orton as a buffer between Cena/HBK and Cryme Tyme or possibly use a multi-way match setting to "protect" Cena and HBK from actually losing the titles cleanly. Afterall, it'd be asinine booking to have Cena and HBK able to beat Taker and Batista, and then somehow be unable to fend off Cryme Tyme or the World's Greatest Tag Team.
   
  And we've also got a Women's Title Match on tap for tonight, as Melina gets another shot at the belt. If that's the women's feud we're stuck with stretching out to WM, then I could think of worse things to do than have Melina win the belt. And wear it proudly. So proudly that she can't help but make pleasantly bitchy comments about how Johnny Nitro's womanly waist is rather devoid of gold. Give them SOMEthing to use as a dynamic in their promos/skits, anyway.
   
  I think that's all we know about with certainty for tonight. WWE will probably announce more later this afternoon, but screw it: I need to go pay worship in my underground Presidential Shrine and all. So I'll see you folks again soon with the latest from the rasslin' world...