Hope everybody out there enjoyed the holiday weekend, if you be of a persuasion that considered it a holiday. I know I am: not much of one for the churchin' am I, but I never miss a chance to worship a big, juicy Easter Ham.
 

Perhaps now that we're past the annual deification of pork, we can also get past this other thing that I noticed for the first time this year: churches and congregations actively advertising their services on TV and radio. If this has happened before around Easter, or if it's common in other areas of the country, I somehow managed to miss it until this year. And now that

Two specific ones really stuck with me. One was a TV ad where the charismatic black minister basically spent 30 seconds encouraging you to come out and join him (and his cute daughter of an indeterminate age between 16 and 19) for Easter, where he would drop some mad science on you (and you could ogle his buxom daughter of an indeterminate age), and get back in touch with the Jesus (and also get in touch with his comely daughter of an indeterminate age). Did I mention he was sure pimping his daughter? So slimy.

The other was a radio ad where a little girl is telling her daddy she doesn't want to go to church because grandpa took her to church last year and it was all dark and scary and confusing. So daddy has to tell her that That's Not How We Roll At MY Church, Honey! Because at Apex Jollytime Faith Systems Incorporated, it's all bright and shiny and we sing happy songs and there's no dying on a cross or body and blood of Christ and nobody will ever yell at you for being bad! Screw the Catholics! Apex Jollytime Faith Systems Incorporated makes getting religion EASY! Bring your checkbooks! So phony.

My opinion of organized religion is already plenty low enough. Now that we're past this particular holiday, maybe the tards in control of it can stop trying to *completely* decimate my faith in them? At least till Christmas? Something for them to think about, anyway...

And here's something for wrestling fans to think about as we kick off another week of being sports-entertained:

• WWE has been known, the past few years, for commencing with some "spring cleaning" around WrestleMania time. This year, it doesn't seem like we're poised for anything quite like the massive 12-15 person lay-offs of the recent past...
   
  Instead, WWE is losing some veterans to injuries, one of which will actually have a major impact on the SmackDown! roster.
   
  On last week's TV shows, the Fed had to write-out both Bob Holly and Booker T. Holly was attacked by Gene Snitsky to allow him time off for much-needed arm surgery (which he's been trying to put off since January). Booker T was savaged by the Undertaker in order to explain an absence that will allow Booker to rest and rehab a gimpy knee.
   
  In Holly's case, there were whispers that his situation could be career-threatening. Of course, that was 3 months ago, and I've not exactly stayed up to date on the latest prognosis. In Booker's case, unless examinations turn up something unexpected, he'll get his knee cleaned up and ready to go again in 2, maybe 3, months.
   
  It's not nice to kick a guy while he's down, but the truth is that the loss of Holly really won't set ECW back any. In his little mini-push over the winter, Holly proved to be ratings death, and is certainly a man without a country as long as the primary division in ECW is between "New Breed" and "Originals." Holly sure as shit doesn't have the cred to be lumped in with the old schoolers, and it's pretty hard to be a "new breed" when you're in your 40s. Holly's value would have just been as a bit player and periodic enhancement talent, which just isn't worth skipping needed surgery for when ECW only has 1 hour of TV per week and you may not always make the cut.
   
  Booker, on the other hand, leaves a sizeable hole on the heel side of SD!'s roster. With the "heel" status of Kennedy unclear (as he seems to be gaining some grassroots fan momentum), and with Batista still not completing a full-fledged turn, Booker would have continued to have massive value as a foil to Taker, Benoit, and others. Instead, we fans can probably look forward to the returning Mark Henry being plugged into a top heel spot on SD! any time now. I think I speak for all of us when I say, "Ugh."
   
  And on top of this, remember that Shawn Michaels is celebrating about a year of needing time off to mend various ailments and will no doubt have to disappear for a few months here before too much longer.
   
  I'm sure in "WWE Think," all this just proves that they're Totally In The Right to be pushing inexperienced, under-trained, un-ready greenhorns like your Ortons and Mastersses, because the only thing that happens when you entrust the company to the older guys is they go and get all injured and stuff. Then again, "WWE Think" has been synonymous with "Clinical Retardation" since at least 2004, so....
   
  
• Speaking of Clinical Retardation, there were a few "juicy" rumors going around last week following WrestleMania 23 in Detroit.
   
  One was that Stephanie McMahon and Triple H were fuming all day on WM Sunday and the next two days of tapings over perceived "internet leaks" and whoever was behind them. One of the stories that got them upset, supposedly, is that Shane McMahon had proposed that *he* introduce WM23 and Aretha Franklin, as a recall to WM3 when his dad did it (and because his dad shouldn't do it this year because it would water down his credibility as a "character" on the show). But Stephanie was going around stumping against that idea to anyone who would listen, because she didn't want her Daddy to lose his spot as the only man ever to be the "Official Opener of WM." And as we know: Shane didn't open WM23, and now, goes the story, Steph and HHH are furious that the rumors leaked out and now fans view Steph in a bad light.
   
  Ummmm, I have no idea how much of this is true, how much is hyperbole, and how much might be total fabrication, but let me just say that if there is even an IOTA of truth here, Stephanie and Hunter both need to be slapped hard across the face. When a child molester gets busted, he does not have the option of using "damn you, Dateline NBC, for revealing that I am a despicable social deviant" as a defense. Nor does Steph have the option of using "damn you, internets, for telling people about the stupid things I do" as a defense for, you know, doing the stupid things in the first place. You don't want to be painted in a bad light? Well, then, Einstein, DON'T FRICKING DO THINGS THAT YOU KNOW ARE DUMB AND WILL PAINT YOU IN A BAD LIGHT IF PEOPLE FIND OUT ABOUT THEM. Don't blame us for being intelligent enough to arrive at the inevitable conclusion, and don't blame the messenger; just try not doing the stupid thing to begin with, and we'll ALL be lots happier, OK?
   
  The other fun rumor from last Sunday night is that Shawn Michaels was furious with John Cena during and after their match, because things didn't go as well as he wanted. According to lore, Michaels started losing it when Cena stopped selling the knee that HBK had spent the first 15 minutes of the match destroying, and got more frustrated as things went on and didn't finish as big as he wanted. As a result, the non-shaking of Cena's hand was actually a Total Shoot, and Michaels further ranted and raved at Cena in the locker room after the match.
   
  Some variations on the story had Michaels pissed off that he had to lose the match to begin with, which meant he was already predisposed to getting pissy. Some people even tried to do some pre-match lip-reading, and determined that Michaels was already upset at that point. [Note to those maroons: Michaels was pissed at the Attempted Streaker, not at Cena.]
   
  All I can say is that at this point in his career, Michaels couldn't care less about being asked to lose. And the other stuff about the match not going so well? At best, that's wild hyperbole, as I've been assured the no-hand-shake was planned all along. If Michaels was disappointed in the quality of the match, he wouldn't be alone, though, and if his frustration happened to start with noticing that Homey the Clown couldn't be bothered to do something as simple as Keep Selling The Knee to add drama to the latter stages of the match, he might even be well within his rights there, too. But I seriously doubt there was any ranting or raving, or any genuine animosity.
   
  That said, if WWE had any brains whatsoever, *this* would be a perfect spot for them to go full-speed-ahead with their retarded "shwork" philosophy of trying to present a storyline element as a Real Backstage News Item. The Internet Jackoffs are all primed and ready to believe that Michaels HATES Cena, and thinks he's a hack.... why not run with that, and give us little easter eggs to further the idea? Patented subversive HBK Zingers in his On-Air promos, and maybe even little planted news stories about backstage fights/arguments, or Michaels being "suspended" for a week or something like that.... people would eat it up, and wonder what the hell will happen when Michaels gets into the ring with Cena the next time. All without disturbing the basic TV storyline for all the marks out there who don't read the internet. Win/win, baby.
   
  But enough of me giving WWE good ideas. Thus ends your WrestleMania 23 Happy Fun Time Rumor Mongering Corner for today...
   
  
• Coming out of WM23, WWE certainly has reason to be optimistic. Despite TV ratings flagging heading into the show (a sign that your loyal, week-in/week-out fans weren't too impressed with the WM23 build-up), the company got a huge mainstream media surge in the final 4-5 days leading up to the show, and an even bigger one in the day or two following the event.
   
  WM23 results (well, at least the Trump/Vince result) were covered on ESPN, as a top story on Yahoo, in newspapers, and even landed both Vince and Trump on the "Today Show" for a guest spot last Monday. [For those curious as to why Trump didn't mention WrestleMania on Letterman during his appearance, supposedly it's because he wanted to promote "The Apprentice," which aired head-to-head with WM23 on Sunday night, and that, predictably, didn't impress too many folks at WWE.]
   
  On top of that, WWE is claiming just over 80,000 fans were in attendance (though there are already claims of them fudging the numbers like they did 20 years ago to include total bodies in the building, and not just paid ticketholders) at the show, and they came out of the event to score a big 4.3 rating for RAW the next night.
   
  The 4.3 rating is significant because it's a huge bump back up from the past 2 weeks low numbers, and also because it was up against the NCAA Championship basketball game (which did outstanding numbers for CBS).
   
  The near-term will now tell us whether or not WWE hooked any new fans, or even did enough to keep the loyal core fanbase placated as we already start gearing up for another PPV, this one without the benefit of The Donald or anything resembling mainstream press attention.
   
  
• By the by, last Monday's RAW in Dayton was an odd bird. It sure started off awesome. The first 40 minutes of the show -- with the HBK/Cena promo work, and then the sweve-tastic Double Battles Royale which saw the Hardys win the tag titles after Michaels turned on Cena -- were tremendous, and just flew by.
   
  And then the last 90 minutes were almost tortuously slow and thin. It is not an exaggeration to say that the only worthwhile thing to happen in the final 90 minutes of RAW was Lilian Garcia losing her skirt. What can I say? The woman comes to Dayton, she senses my manly presence, and she was simply unable to keep her clothes on. Consistently-chaste, criminally-demure Lilian finally gets naked in Dayton after a career of fully-clothedness. Not a coincidence, people, not a coincidence. It's merely one of my superpowers.
   
  Following the tag team stuff at the top of the show, RAW slowed to a crawl with what seemed like non-stop video packages and highlight dealies from WM23 Weekend. Which is maybe OK for some of you, but seeing as how I forked over my share of the $50 to watch the PPV at a friend's house, I was in no mood to be forcefed watered down clips on the Titantron when there should be something happening In That Very Ring.
   
  And the stuff that happened in the ring (or in backstage skits) was universally disappointing. The Vince "first-person perspective" crap was beyond gay, for instance, and shows to me that Vince has an inflated sense of both (a) how much we fans still care about seeing him humiliated after all these years of him being humiliated, and (b) how "humiliating" it really is to share a hairstyle with several of his own top stars, as well as with his Least Favorite Internet Personality, The Rick. 
   
  And don't even get me started on the main event. It's announced as an ECW Title match, but then the idiot Writer Monkeys go and add Armando Alejandro Estrrrrrrrrada to make it a handicap match. Plus 10 for "stacking the deck" against Lashley in a heelish manner. Minus several billion for IT MAKING NO FUCKING SENSE TO HAVE THE ECW TITLE ON THE LINE IN AN HANDICAP MATCH SINCE UMAGA AND ESTRADA CAN'T FUCKING BOTH HOLD IT~! Poor Lilian. After she composed herself and managed to find another outfit to wear, she was announcing the main event, and got through the "The following match is for the ECW Title. First, your challenger, UUUUUUUUUMAGA" part before suddenly getting confused and stammering through a second part which was "Ummm, and I just realized I have no idea how this works unless we're just telegraphing that Lashley wins, but here's his partner, too, Armando Alejandro Estrada." 
   
  You notice that once the match started, Lawler made almost zero mention of the ECW Title being in jeopardy. And I don't think it's because he's unintelligent or was unprepared to handle all the announcing duties for the vocally-challenged JR... I think it's because somebody backstage realized the folly and knew enough to keep mentions of the ECW Title to a minimum when speaking to Lawler through the headsets. Still: how you can employ a half-dozen people whose sole job it is to scrape together 2 hours worth of TV per week and not have any of them notice this glaring logic hole is beyond me. Just further evidence why I'm well within my rights to constantly refer to them as "monkeys."
   
  And yes, you did see the crowd getting up and leaving during the main event match, too. My guess? Lashley/Umaga doesn't exactly have a great amount of sizzle to it, but you also gotta figure that here in Dayton, there were a goodly number of people who figured if they left the arena by 11, they could still get home in time to see the last half-hour or so of Ohio State in the basketball game. Don't discount that factor.
   
  If I was disappointed in one thing above all else, it's that the long-awaited Mick Foley Big Announcement didn't happen. Mick had been hyped in all local advertising, too, so it's not like that was just an Internet Rumor Gone Wild. I honestly thought we'd get some kind of Foley gOOdness, but nope: nothing but a pre-tape, Foley getting the night off, and vague notions that maybe Mick will do something on RAW THIS week. On one hand, yes, Mick really did some generous work with the Make A Wish people over WM weekend, and whatever he announces could all be on the up and up. On the other, hey, you never know, and the guy who has quarterbacked a goofy "This is Your Life" or two could certainly twist the "Make a Wish" concept into a pretty interesting promo/segment. We'll just have to wait and see...
   
  
• In addition to Foley's "announcement" on tonight's RAW, you can also expect it (and the other TV shows this week) to largely establish the line-up for the Backlash PPV.
   
  That's because, after this week, the entirety of TV for the next 2 weeks will be taped in Italy and England during a monster 2-week Europe tour. In fact, after tomorrow's TV tapings, the next WWE event on North American soil is the Backlash PPV on April 29.
   
  Generally speaking, WWE doesn't run major angles on those international shows, and kinda skates by on the unique foreign feel they have. As such, I think this week's RAW and SD! should give us a pretty good idea of at least a half-dozen or so matches for Backlash, and then the overseas RAWs will be more about maintenance. 
   
  Remember: starting with Backlash, all PPVs will feature RAW, SD!, and ECW stars. So you figure on rematches for both HBK/Cena and Taker/Batista, figure on Orton/Edge and Umaga/Lashley (a REAL ECW Title match, preferably with a No DQ/Extreme Rules stip), and you're a goodly part of the way there. Mickie James seems back in position to relieve Melina of the women's title, too, and a "stepping stone" win of some kind for Kennedy would be good to get his Mr. Money in the Bank reign off to a fast start (if Benoit's really going to RAW, I still vote Kennedy's as good a guy as any to take over as US Champ).
   
  We'll see where they go....
   
  
• Besides RAW doing a big number following WrestleMania, there wasn't anything remarkable about any of last week's other ratings.
   
  ECW on Tuesday did a 1.7, which seems to be their new average this past month or so (which ain't setting the world on fire, but it beats the hell out of the 1.3s and 1.4s they did over the winter). For whatever it's worth, it was a good showing for ECW, too, with the Temptation of the Punk continuing nicely, and with a re-match of the WM23 Originals vs. New Breed contest. This time under Extreme Rules. And wonder of wonders: it didn't suck! In fact, it was about as good an ECW match as we've seen since last June. Just outstanding, with tons of crowd heat and everything. But who are we to cheer during an exciting match? We don't know what we're talking about, and Vince McMahon and Kevin Dunn know that we all secretly crave a homogenous WWE TV product at all times. God bless them for saving us from ourselves. Fuckwits....
   
  TNA on Thursday was displaced to 11pm, due to a night of UFC stuff. Despite the timeslot change, TNA did a 0.9 rating which is a negligible (and statistically speaking, insignificant) drop of 0.1 from the last few weeks. Not too shabby.
   
  SD! on Friday did a 2.8 rating, which would be roughly on par with the last few weeks, but still off the pace that SD! set during a very successful run in February. It was an alright show, and I'm a sucker for getting Kennedy and Finlay's Midget together again, so I'm gung ho for next week, too. But seriously: Miz and Benoit? The fuck was that?
   
  
• Matt Cappotelli, the "Tough Enough" winner who is probably best known for getting the crap kicked out of him for real by Rage-o-holic Bob Holly, has had another setback in his battle with brain cancer.
   
  After about a year of treatment, he announced to OVW fans and coworkers last week that he'll have to have surgery to remove the still-growing tumor. It's obviously a delicate procedure, and he'll be going under the knife early next month in Boston. 
   
  I'm sure you'll all join me in sending best wishes to the guy as he faces his tallest hurdle, yet...
   
  
• Remember Sean O'Haire? Well, he's spending some time in the hospital, too. But in his case, it sounds like it's his own damned fault. He got into a bar fight last weekend in Hilton Head, SC, and essentially had his face shattered, and is facing serious plastic surgery and possibly permanent vision impairment in one eye.
   
  O'Haire, who is 36 years old and had been dabbling in MMA since seeing his pro wrestling career flare out, can probably kiss that occupation goodbye, too, as a result of the injuries and possible sight problems.
   
  Though O'Haire did file an official complaint against the guy who punched him, said guy has not (according to weekend editions of Hilton Head newspapers, anyway) been arrested, on the grounds that eye witness accounts of the incident differ greatly from O'Haire's. O'Haire claims he was just coming to the aid of a friend, and the fight was already underway when he got sucker-punched. Everybody else (including the manager of the bar) claim that O'Haire had already been kicked out of the bar for trying repeated to start a fight with the guy in question and that he was the lone instigator.
   
  Not helping O'Haire's case: the "guy" filed a police report against O'Haire earlier in the month following an incident at another bar. Further not helping O'Haire's case: he's been charged with assault in and around Hilton Head FOUR TIMES in the past few years, and convicted once. The case in which he was convicted was one in which he beat up two women at a dance club. One of the times he got off was also a case of alleged assault against a woman, and a second was a case of alleged assault against a 65 year old man at yet another bar.
   
  I guess it's a good thing that the only time I met this douche (in the catering area, at some event or another), I gladly surrendered the last few slices of ham on a cold cut platter to him and settled for a turkey sammich, instead, eh? Guy sounds like a real winner....
   
  
• Much as Jonathan Coachman has been moonlighting the past year or two on regional college football networks and on A-10 basketball games for CSTV, Todd Grisham is going to try to do some resume building by calling "real" sports events.
   
  Unlike Coachman, however, the chances of me ever seeing Todd at work seem to be non-existent, as I think I'm pretty much like the rest of America and can only feign interest in soccer about once every four years. But nobody asked me, and I guess Fox Sports is going to be getting in on the MLS action, or something, and Todd will be doing upwards of 30 games this season for whichever Fox channel it is that has soccer on all the time. 
   
  Perhaps we can have Jason keep us abreast on how he does.... lord knows what I saw of the World Cup last year convinced me that American Broadcasting has a grand total of zero (0) competent, insightful, or helpful announcers/commentators, so I guess Todd can't exactly be a step down, can he?
   
  
• And speaking of Jason, that brings us to TNA, which we haven't talked about in a while, what with WrestleMania and steroid scandals and all that...
   
  First, we can talk about how the company is looking at a pretty strong gate for this weekend's All Cage Match PPV in St. Louis... if all goes well this last week, there should be over 4000 paid, and with some papering to make the building look full (it's configured for about 6000) it'll be TNA's biggest audience ever.
   
  Heading into the show, there still seems to be a really strong dividing line between the top handful of guys, and then "everybody else." This is underscored by the fact that the top handful of guys are all being thrown together in one match (a WarGames Style Team Angle vs. Team Christian match), and then there's nothing else on the entire card that seems even remotely compelling.
   
  I mean: when you're resorting to putting the Dudleys in the historically-abysmal "Electrified Cage Match" gimmick, and that's your semi-main event, you are officially out of ideas. OK: you're either officially out of ideas, or you're Vince Russo. ZING~!
   
  Talk of that division leads to a second TNA Issue worth discussing: that of morale, which continues to be low mostly because of the backstage atmosphere in which the big stars are on one pay scale and get treated one way, and pretty much everybody outside of 8-10 top guys gets paid differently and treated another way. The fact that some of the top guys are kind of banded together and insulated from the "rank and file" doesn't help matters any, either.
   
  Further confusing the matter is that not even those in the locker room know where everybody stands. Apparently, there are some who don't want Christian to be one of the "top guys" and think he's a poor choice for champion... same with some resentment towards AJ Styles, who gets treated like a top guy in some ways, but doesn't always completely fit in with them since he has essentially a non-existent resume when compared up against your Angles or Stings (or even your Rhinos, for that matter). And there's the whole matter of the ROH guys being quietly resentful of TNA taking away their ROH bookings (and getting heat on them if they don't keep their resentment quiet, as Samoa Joe did recently).  So it's just a lot of jockeying and dick-waving and insecurity and pettiness and stuff, and especially in the wake of WWE's mainstream blitz for WrestleMania, those things can snowball and compound if guys can correlate their own unhappiness with a perceived lack of performance by the company.
   
  But that leads to a third thing, which is that there's no reason to be disillusioned with TNA's performance (for four years, it's been unfair to compare them to WWE or consider them as direct competition, so why bother starting now?)... in fact, management is very pleased with things. TNA's ratings are rock solid, and talks continue for TNA to expand to a two hour weekly slot on Spike, while at the same time, TNA management is also sending out feelers to other networks to see if anybody can come up with an offer better than Spike for this fall. So far, word is that at least one other cable network (purported to be E! Network by one person I talked to, but take that with a grain of salt) is showing serious interest in TNA.
   
  At the same time, TNA has severed ties with that indie fed run by Johnny NASCAR, and is taking ownership of their touring/house show business, with early results looking promising. PPVs are still expected to be shifted away from Orlando at a rate of 6 per year, too, which is another little revenue stream (versus the arrangement at Universal Studios where fans get in for free, although, in fairness, it should be noted that the deal with Universal does have the one benefit of drastically reducing production costs). The Slammiversary PPV in June is already confirmed as taking place back in Nashville, TN, where TNA was stationed for the first 2 years of its existence.
   
  The company's successes emboldened management to go ahead and re-sign Sting to a one year contract renewal last month (though it's said that Jeff Jarrett was an opponent of the move, Dixie Carter -- probably wisely, since lord knows money is no object as long as TNA exists as a tax dodge for Panda Energy -- did it anyway), despite them also adding salary in the form of the returned Scott Steiner.
   
  One thing that TNA probably does have to address, though, is a core fanbase that is growing antsy. That is to say: TNA ain't deaf, and they hear the people chanting "Fire Ruso *clap* *clap* *clapclapclap*" in Orlando, and they read the internets the echo the same sentiment. The thing is, they're also smart enough to know that 1200 non-paying fans in Orlando do NOT a successful wrestling company make. Steadily strong TV ratings suggest to management that things might be OK, and that maybe Wanker Fans just like to do things like start chants that they know will be a pain in TNA's ass.
   
  It's a tough line for TNA to toe, since, unlike WWE, they probably have a much smaller "casual fan" ratio, and can't risk pissing off the internet wanker types.... but the ultimate irony of this situation is that the internet wanker types are completely off-base here, and the things they are ranting against, and the stuff that motivates them to chant "Fire Russo," HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH RUSSO. Most of the crap in TNA right now (as defined by "anything to do with Abyss") is actually being written by Dutch Mantell. And the irony to end all ironies is that Russo has apparently told some people that even he knows the show isn't as strong as it could be and that it frustrates him, but he's gotta do what he's gotta do cuz (a) he's really only one member of a 3- or 4-person committee, and (b) the nature of a one-hour weekly show really does handcuff you if the company is deadset on getting everybody on TV every week.
   
  By the way, that's not an unqualified defense of Vince Russo, or anything. He may not be involved with TNA's single largest heaping helping of Suck, right now, but he's got his fingers in enough other pots of lame to not be wholly unaccountable.
   
  Continuing to avoid both the Suck and the Lame? Kevin Nash, who remains the Best Reason to Watch TNA, and pure gold each and every week as he remakes the X Division in his own image. Literally, in the case of his most recent Gimmick Disbursement.
   
  I think that pretty much gets you up to speed on All Things TNA... and you can figure to get into significantly more detail later in the week when we do the full preview for the Lockdown PPV.
   
  
• I've also got a lot I want to say about Carlito and a recent interview he did, and how it has only compounded his backstage problems... but I think that could get pretty long, so I'll save it for another day when I might be shorter on material than I was today. Suffice to say, if you've been following the story, you're probably not surprised to find out the short version of my rant is "Carlito: good, WWE Management: bad."
   
  But, like I said: another time for the "Insubordination is Cool" column. For now, I simply bid you farewell....