What a country we live in.
 

If there were any lingering doubts that marketing exclusively to children, the mentally enfeebled, and 35-year-old virgins could be highly profitable, The Transformers Movie dashed them. How many hundreds of millions has that thing made already? That'll learn me to question the viability of the young, stupid, and dork demographics... 

Nor did I give a shit about GI Joe. Or He-Man. Some child of the 80s I am, huh? I think by age 10, all my eggs were firmly in the "Star Trek" basket, and that was my only real TV- or toy-related hobby. Well, that and Legos. The outer space Legos that came out when I was, like, 6 to be specific, with all kinds of ships and moonbases and stuff.

Sadly, I do not have enough Lego love to even remotely suggest that they'd make for a good movie. And we already know that Hollywood Wundertard JJ Abrams is in charge of the next Star Trek movie, which means it'll suck. Oh, fiddlesticks! Will The Rick never get to be excited in a dorky nostalgic way for some craptastic movie? 

Anyways, that's enough digressing for one day. It's Friday the 13th, peoples. And you know what that means: I need to hurry up and get down to Lake Grabass so I can don a hockey mask and terrorize all the nubile young co-eds with my machete. By "terrorize," I of course mean, "pleasure," and by "machete," I of course mean "flesh machete." Perhaps my "man-chete"?

["Manchete" is tm 2007 by The Rick Wordsmithery Enterprises International, Inc.]

Here's some wrestling:

• Try as we might, we can't gather here together without the Benoit Family tragedy being the #1 topic.
   
  The biggest developments in the past week or so since we closed the book on the single-page "Benoit NewsCentral" all seem to swirl around Benoit's doctor (and self-described friend) Dr. Phil Astin.
   
  When we last left the story, Astin's office and home had been raided by the DEA, and we now know that federal authorities had suspected Astin of over-prescribing both painkillers and steroids even prior to the Benoit debacle. Bureaucracy being what it is, that information was not acted upon until the local authorities in the Benoit case discovered the ties to Astin, which in turn spurred the raid of 2 weeks ago.
   
  Astin is now under house arrest pending a trial. The current indictment only covers suspicious prescriptions issued in 2004, none of which were to Chris Benoit (which is why, in various TV appearances, you may have seen Astin's sleazeball attorney claiming that his client was absolutely not liable or responsible for anything that happened with Benoit or his family). However, my understanding is that authorities are also seeking a superceding indictment (or something like that) which would have the effect of adding/augmenting the indictment to include a ton of other charges against Astin. Those charges WOULD include Astin's alleged over-prescribing to Benoit and other wrestlers.
   
  As far as Chris Benoit is concerned, Astin admitted to the Associated Press that he had Benoit on testosterone (to offset damage done by previous steroid use, as steroids use also forces the male body to produce estrogen), but is now also accused of having supplied Benoit with prescriptions for the steroids themselves as recently as May of this year, and in VAST quantities. In fact, Benoit was receiving what has been classified as "a 10 month supply" of steroids every month. This not only sends up a red flag as far as Benoit's usage is concerned, but almost certainly paves the way for speculation about Benoit sharing/distributing the drugs among other wrestlers.
   
  Astin also maintained relationships with many other current and former pro wrestlers, and stands accused of wrongly prescribing for them going back as far as 2002. The wrestlers tied to Astin include: Rey Mysterio, Bob Holly, Lex Luger, Buff Bagwell, Mark Jindrak, and Johnny Grunge.
   
  The case of Mike "Johnny Grunge" Durham is getting particular attention from the press, as he was a friend and neighbor of Chris Benoit's who passed away early last year. Grunge had been over-prescribed Somas (a muscle relaxer), according to his wife. Though an autopsy revealed an abundance of that drug in Grunge's system at the time of his death, they supposedly weren't at "toxic" levels, and Grunge's death was officially ruled to be heart disease complicated by obesity. Needless to say, many are questioning that ruling in light of recent events.
   
  Georgia authorities have completed some, but not all, toxicology tests on the Benoit family. They are, so far, refusing to release any information until all results are in. My guess is that we should brace for the worst, as all signs point to Benoit having had regular and easy access to steroids and other drugs through Astin. I would love to be able to be optimistic or say I'm giving Chris the benefit of the doubt, but frankly, I'm too pragmatic for that. I'd expect toxicology to reveal Benoit was using steroids.
   
  And when that happens, I expect another shitstorm of baseless TV punditry assaulting WWE, the wrestling industry, and pretty much anybody they can think of to blame, other than Chris Benoit. Which sucks.
   
  Here's my thing: on April 10, Benoit passed a thorough and legitimate drug test. As late as May, Benoit was buying steroids. In late July, I suspect we'll find out he'd been taking them. And in the media, somehow WWE will be turned into the villain for having that clean drug test on record. They, in good faith, administered a test intended to protect their employee's well-being. For this, they will be vilified. Meantime, Chris Benoit has the wherewithal to spoof the test (remember: it did come at the height of the SI Steroid Investigation, so it wasn't necessarily a "pop quiz"), manages to get his desired result, and is nothing but a poor little brain-washed pawn in Vince McMahon's evil game.
   
  Somebody in the media, I'm beggin' ya: surprise me. Show a modicum of common sense and logic. At least admit WWE was making an effort. Admit that Benoit, as a possible 20-year user of these drugs, knew what to do to get a clean result, and accomplished just that, despite his employers best intentions.
   
  This is not to say there isn't room here for a discussion of precisely how thorough WWE's testing policy is. But my fear is that the discussion will be framed in an utterly irresponsible and sensationalistic fashion. To me, framing it as "Chris Benoit evaded WWE testing, therefore WWE is evil" is ass-backwards. Framing it as "Just how responsible is WWE for the choices made by their employees, especially the ones who will go out of their way to cheat any test that is given to them?" is a bit more reasonable. And it cuts WAY closer to the heart of the matter than trying to turn WWE into villains for Actually Trying To Make A Dent In The Problem.
   
  For me, I'm not sure I see increased, omnipresent testing as a solution to any problems facing WWE. These are grown men in their employ, not children. Yes, WWE's testing policy should be more than a token thing, but it shouldn't be so exhaustive that it's the sole deterrent. If a grown man can't make a choice for himself, without the threat of his tainted pee costing him 30 days of pay, then there are bigger problems here. Ones that aren't WWE's to worry about or to solve.
   
  What *would* help more than enhanced testing would be if Vince McMahon would just get his nose out of the bodybuilding and male-fitness magazines and just start pushing talent ahead of all else. But as long as a guy like Chris F. Masters has a job, there's going to be an unspoken culture of muscle worship that some of the dimmerwitted and lesser-talented buy into as a shortcut to the top. But that's a whole other rant and a whole other column.
   
  For now, my point is that no matter what is found in Benoit's body, it's there because he put it there, CHOSE to put it there. And even then: whatever they found in Benoit's body didn't commit any crimes. Just use your head: if steroids inevitably led to family-murdering, the NFL would have been shut down before most of us were even born. Hell, if steroids led to family murdering in even 1 out of 1000 cases, the NFL would have been shut down before the world even heard the word "WrestleMania." But that's not how it works.
   
  Folks need to keep this, and the whole oft-forgotten matter of Personal Accountability, in mind as we teeter on the precipice of another round of "pointing the finger at everybody other than Chris Benoit." 
   
  
• It should also be noted that most people are beginning to accept a general outline of events that led to Benoit's final breakdown and crimes. Many of Benoit's friends and co-workers have now voiced an opinion that Eddie Guerrero's death in late 2005 hit Chris way harder than anybody could guess. Roddy Piper has spoken once or twice about this, and others have said that Benoit began writing "letters" to Eddie as a way of trying to hold himself together now that his best friend and moral compass was gone.
   
  Other wrestling deaths over the next year continued to hit Benoit hard, especially now without Eddie to lean on. This includes the death of his friend and neighbor, Johnny Grunge, as outlined above. Most recently, both Chris and Nancy Benoit had been affected by the deaths of Chris' old friend Beef Wellington and Nancy's friend Sherri Martel.
   
  There are also now indications that Chris and Nancy were either experimenting with, or were going to experiment with, a separation, which didn't necessarily sit well with Chris. Obviously, with that information, it becomes easy to speculate about what might have set Chris off three weekends ago. It's still just completely outside my ability to grasp, but I guess in a world where everybody can't be well-wired and level-headed like me, there exists a way to rationalize killing your wife rather than letting her leave in peace.
   
  None of which addresses how or why Chris did what he did to his seven-year-old son, Daniel. There is nothing, not even in the darkest, most demented little corners of my brain, that allows me to rationalize THAT one. Nothing. Not even the "mercy killing" theory (Daniel was without a mother, and his father would either be jailed or dead, as well) holds any water at this point, as the whole "Fragile X" thing has been debunked, and it's not like Chris could have been worried that he was leaving a special-needs kid behind to a life of foster care or something. He was just a normal little 7-year-old whose life got snuffed out for reasons that no sane person can even begin to contemplate.
   
  Anyway, I thought I said I was trying to move past all this, so dwelling on the most confounding element of this whole tragedy isn't how I want to be spending my time. I think I've got you up to speed on on all the Dr. Astin stuff, and most of the important tidbits about Chris' mental state, so perhaps it's time to move onto other news....
   
  
• But while we're on the sad topics, I can't go much further without addressing the death of "Sensational" Sherri Martel. The vagaries of my schedule combined with the sudden, shocking turn of events at Benoit's house resulted in Sherri's death about a month ago got ignored and over-shadowed.
   
  Certainly, this is not a situation befitting a WWE Hall of Famer.
   
  So let me briefly mention that Sherri was 49, and while clearly not a steroid abuser, was probably a Conspicuous Consumer, shall we say. Her death, while not a result of foul play, is probably another case of a former wrestling star being shooed off this mortal coil a little too soon because of his/her habits.
   
  Sherri was last seen at the 2006 Hall of Fame ceremonies, where (in my estimation) she all-but stole the show with a killer, rambling speech about her career and those who helped her in it. As good as that speech was, however, it's still the accomplishments that earned her the Hall of Fame induction that bear remembering.
   
  Today, we still tend to lump women in wrestling into one of two categories: valets (who generally have a certain look or personality) and wrestlers (who are athletically skilled in the ring). The two converge so rarely, that when the world produces a Trish Stratus, our primary instinct (well, as far as guys go) is to gawk in awe and admiration (and mild arousal). What's special about Sherri is that, at a time when that divide between valet and wrestler was significantly greater than it is today, she straddled that line about as well as anybody did. She just had the misfortunate to do it before most of us were old enough to provide the awe, admiration, and arousal.
   
  Sherri was already an established performer when she came to the mid-80s WWF as a wrestler. The women's ranks, generally consisted of two women at a time: one champion and one challenger. So in her first few years as a wrestler (and former WWF Women's Champ), Sherri had the chance to be both a heel and a babyface. Then, when the WWF needed a foil for their only truly successful female character from the late 80s (Miss Elizabeth), Sherri was moved into a valet role, and once again displayed versatility by first excelling as "Peggy Sue" (Honkeytonk Man's woman, who helped jumpstart the face turn for Randy Savage and Liz), and then later as "Sensational Sherri" (starting out Savage's replacement for Elizabeth, before branching out to manage the likes of Ted DiBiase and Shawn Michaels).
   
  Her ringside antics -- charged with both her physicality and her innate grasp on the psychology of what was happening in the ring -- earned Sherri a bunch of awards as "Best Manager" or "Best Second" in the early 90s, at a time when newsletters and the burgeoning internet were mostly enamored of sharp-witted tubby guys like Jim Cornette and Bobby Heenan. For the most part, this is the Sherri I remember, and the one who I still hold up as the gold standard for female managers. In fact, if you discount Lita's inspired last 18 months as Edge's slutty sidekick, I can't think of anybody who really even came within shouting distance of pulling off what Sherri did.
   
  In an industry where most things seem bigger, better, faster, flashier than they were 15 years ago, it's a testament to Sherri that -- in this one unique area -- she's still the measuring stick I use. Rest in peace, Sherri Martel.
   
  [Fun Bonus Tidbit: many times in recent years, WWE has tried to get Shawn Michaels to agree to a remix of his theme song. Shawn has refused, meaning that Sherri's voice is still audible, even if only for 5 seconds at the beginning. As a result: WWE had to keep cutting royalty checks to Sherri every three months.]
   
  
• Looking over some notes, I realize just how long it's been since I just sat down and typed some news at you, the kind of news that isn't Benoit Flavored. Want to play some Ratings Catch-Up?
   
  Good.
   
  Starting with the second week in June, RAW's ratings have been 3.8 (draft lottery), 4.1, 3.8 (Benoit tribute), 3.7, and just this past Monday, a debilitating 3.4. It should be noted that the draft and Benoit shows were 3 hours long, and dragged down a bit by a low-rated first hour. Counting only the usual 9-11pm timeslot, the draft lottery show did a 4.1, and the Benoit show did a 4.0. Those numbers (and the 4.1 in between) represented a huge boost up from low ratings in May. However, the subsequent 3.7 and 3.4 seem to suggest that momentum is lost.
   
  Larry King had an excellent show on Monday (with John Cena pulled off of RAW to be an in-studio guest along with Chris Jericho, Bret Hart, and a few others), that some thought might hurt RAW's rating. Not so: that edition of Larry King drew a 0.8, which is actually BELOW that show's average. A possible alternate culprit: the Home Run Derby on ESPN, though this was by far the least-star-studded Derby I can ever recall. 
   
  Starting in the same place for ECW: 1.7, 1.6, 1.8 (last mention of Benoit on WWE TV), 1.3, and this week, a 1.4. That show's not trending in the right direction, to say the least. The draft lottery (in addition to utterly stacking the RAW roster) was designed to plant Chris Benoit was ECW Signature Star. Now, they are scrambling to push CM Punk as the lead babyface, with tepid results so far.
   
  SmackDown!'s last month of ratings: it's easy, they've delivered four straight 2.4 ratings. Though down substantially from earlier this year, WWE and the CW Network are pleased, as Friday night is the second-worst night for TV viewership, and is practically a wasteland during the summer months. SD!'s flaccid 2.4 ratings are actually good enough to get the CW wins in key young adult demographic categories.
   
  Saturday Night's Main Event a few weeks back? A 2.5 rating in the 11:30pm timeslot. That's actually passably good for that slot during summer re-runs (though it's off pace from what new episodes of SNL do, and will once again work against any chances WWE has of securing anything other than throw-away timeslots on NBC). Another SNME is coming up in a few weeks.
   
  Perhaps the best ratings news of the past month goes to TNA, which has seen Impact deliver a 1.1, a 1.2, another 1.2, and a 1.1. No rating yet for last night. That's a month straight above Impact's usual average of 1.0, and two of Impact's best ratings ever both taking place in the same one month span.
   
  
• It's odd that TNA's ratings seem to be peaking even as they are gearing up for a PPV on Sunday that feels like the equivalent of one of WWE's off-month Armaunforjudgmalash PPVs. The main event is a one-off "Match of Champions" pitting Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe (TNA and X Champ, respectively) against the Dudleys (tag champs).
   
  The "throwing a bunch of guys in the ring together even though they don't have any long-standing feud" theory continues into a 10-man Ultimate X match. Sting/Abyss vs. AJ Styles/Lovely Miss Tomko anchors an otherwise bland undercard.
   
  
• In TNA's defense, they were derailed a bit last month with an unexpected freak injury to Scott Steiner. The company had been building around a summer feud between the re-united Steiner Brothers and the Dudley Boyz. Then, at a show in Puerto Rico, Scott Steiner suffered a crushed trachea, and was hospitalized for 3 weeks following emergency surgery.
   
  Steiner is now finally back in the US, and is expected to make a full recovery. He could be back in the ring by the end of July, when TNA intends to revive the Steiners/Dudleys feud.
   
  
• Konnan has departed TNA, quitting the company over money disputes. Facing some serious health concerns (in the form of a needed kidney transplant), Konnan felt he could do better for himself taking full-time AAA bookings in Mexico than he would being a bit player for TNA. 
   
  In interviews since quitting, Konnan has been outspoken about the divide in the TNA locker room, where he says morale is shitty because guys like him get paid crap, and sit around and watch guys like Sting get renewed for massive contracts (when originally, many talents were told Sting would just be brought in for one year to help launch the company on SpikeTV). Christian was also recently renewed to a lucrative 3-year deal, ensuring he'll continue to be a big fish in a small pond.
   
  Konnan also has confirmed that at the same time he quit the company (he was on a show-by-show deal, I guess), Ron Killings, Billy Gunn, and Road Dogg all asked for their releases, too. To the best of my knowledge, all three were denied their releases and remain under TNA contract.
   
  
• Last TNA tidbit, just to confirm that the seemingly never-ending story continues, and TNA is STILL in negotiations for a second hour of TV. This could end up taking the form of a second hour on Spike this fall, as part of a new contract with that network, or it could also come out of talks with Fox to supply one of their networks (FSN, MyTV, maybe even FX) with an hour of programming.
   
  
• Current TNA Champ Kurt Angle made minor waves 2 weeks ago, as he won the IWGP Title from Brock Lesnar in Japan. Well, he won something CALLED the IWGP Title. I've had a few people try to explain it to me, and I guess what was once the universally-acknowledged top title for New Japan Pro Wrestling has been bastardized in recent years as the company has changed ownership, and Brock got pissy about doing jobs.
   
  As Brock embarks on his mixed-martial arts career, he finally was coaxed into dropping the belt to Angle. All reports say that the match (which many US fans might still think of as a Dream Match) was extremely disappointing, with Lesnar dogging it at a level only slightly less embarrassing than his display at WM20.
   
  So: Kurt Angle is now a double champion, though one of his belts is the TNA Title that no longer has even a tangential tie to the NWA Title, and his other is an IWGP Title that may or may not even really be recognized as the IWGP Title. Still: costume jewelry is costume jewelry, I guess. 
   
  
• Back to WWE for the duration of the column....
   
  I'll start by mentioning that WWE returns to Corpus Christi, TX, for a "make good" edition of RAW on Monday night. That's where they had to cancel the show 3 weeks ago because of Benoit.
   
  I'd originally cracked wise about how I didn't see what the point was of returning so soon, other than as a cheap PR ploy.... but upon further review, I understand it now: this weekend's house shows and next week's TV tapings were to take place in Canada, including an event in Chris Benoit's hometown of Edmonton.
   
  WWE, still wanting to distance itself from Benoit, doesn't need the headache of trying to control two TV tapings' worth of unruly Canuck fans who might not be quite ready to move past Benoit. So: cancel the Canada swing, and book replacement shows in Texas, including the make-good in Corpus Christi.
   
  Crafty.
   
  
• WWE's got a PPV a week from Sunday, and it largely represents a starting-over. Benoit's situation directly affected ECW's main event scene, and had the indirect result of ending the "Vince McMahon Is Dead" storyline (which had permeated all three brands, to the disgust and annoyance of all).
   
  RAW is going with a face vs. face headliner for the Great American Bash, with Cena vs. Bobby Lashley. A heel turn for Lashley might not be a bad idea as (a) I really don't know how long they're gonna be able to keep Umaga and Kennedy as heels, and (b) Triple H is coming back within the month, eating up another top babyface slot.
   
  SD! is going with Edge vs. Kane. Yep, Kane lives and breathes, after being mysteriously absent for several weeks around the time of the McMahon Car Bombing. Coincidence? We'll never know. Thank god. Edge and Kane have worked well enough together in the past, and they have a few storyline directions they can go, here, too: Edge, master dickface that he is, can push the kinds of buttons that turn this into an extended feud that will segue into the (logical) feud between Edge and Kane's brother, the Undertaker. Or, they can keep it short and sweet, and once Rey Mysterio is back, give us that sure-to-kick-ass Edge vs. Rey series of matches. [Rey actually returned to action last weekend on WWE shows in Mexico, and should be back on TV within the month.]
   
  ECW is going with CM Punk challenging Johnny Nitro for the title as their top PPV match. As alluded to above, this is basically Plan B. As any plan that has Nitro as a singles champion should be. Seriously: I can't be the only one who saw Nitro and Kenny working well together, and who thought they oughta be kept together as a tag team until one or the other really catches fire with the fans, can I? Now Nitro's in over his head and I don't even know what's become of Kenny....
   
  
• Ric Flair is dealing with a persistent inner ear problem that prevents him from flying... though there are a billion cool ideas for stuff Flair could do on SD! (since he was drafted there), we may not see them play out until WWE is sure Flair can make all tapings.
   
  For whatever it's worth, unless I'm massively misremembering something, this is the exact same recurring problem that forced the WWF's hand in 1992, when Flair was the champ, and suddenly dropped the strap to Bret Hart in an emergency title switch.
   
  
• Cody Runnels has debuted on RAW and -- other than Harry Smith -- is probably the one guy WWE has who probably possesses the tools to be an instant impact player. Cody was a champion high school wrestler in Georgia before graduating in 2006 and then signing his WWE developmental deal earlier this year. He has all the skills, it's just a question of whether WWE's churn-'em-out, cookie-cutter style of "training" will allow those skills to shine through.
   
  If it's me, Cody Rhodes turns on his dad sooner, rather than later. Why? Two reasons: (1) with these young prodigy types, we've long since learned the lesson of "Rocky Maivia," and should just skip the Annoying Naive Babyface phase and skip ahead to the kid doing something interesting that fans can latch onto. And (2) Cody seems like he can actually talk, which means he can both spar with his dad AND as an added bonus, he would become the de facto mouthpiece for Mantard Randy Orton if they formed an alliance.
   
  Seriously: the most tolerable Orton has been in a long time was when he was Edge's mostly-mute lackey. He might get the same benefit from letting Cody do the talking for the team, too. I dunno that for sure, but I think it might work. 
   
  In either case, I do know that I loved the exchange on Monday night's RAW, where Dusty and Orton had mics, and at least twice that I noticed, Dusty just cut Orton off and basically cut Randall's promo for him. You know, the spots where he was like "And lemme guess, you were gonna say blah blah blah," and Dusty said all the things that Randall would have said. Except he said them well. And in entertining fashion. Instead of in broken English. Genius.
   
  
• For any wondering: Rob Van Dam is officially done with WWE. The fact that he has been picking his own spots for interviews/etc. in the Benoit Fallout is all the proof you need of that (WWE has forbidden their talent to do interviews for the next few weeks unless they are specifically booked by WWE's front office).
   
  Because Rob simply walked away at the expiration of a contract, there is no 90 day no compete clause or anything. Rob is a free agent in the purest sense of the term. But don't go holding your breath for him to show up in TNA. RVD is said to be intent on enjoying a lengthy rest, and has not written off an eventual return to WWE.
   
  
• ECW's Trinity has also finished up with WWE since last we spoke. She was one of the few actual hold-overs from the original ECW, and was the skanky/stripper-type valet for the Full Blooded Italians.
   
  
• WWE has also signed at least one notable talent to be incoming, as well: Teddy Hart, nephew of Bret, and long-alleged to be incorrigible (he actually had one previous stint in the WWE developmentals, but pissed it away due to chronic immaturity).
   
  However, Teddy's immaturity is matched only by his undeniable in-ring ability, and the hopes are that this time, he'll hold it together and become a valuable contributor to WWE. Teddy has been assigned to Florida Championship Wrestling, which is WWE's new developmental territory in Tampa. He joins fellow third generation Harts Harry Smith (British Bulldog's son) and Nattie Neidhart (Jim Neidhart's daughter) on WWE's developmental roster, leading many to speculate about a Next Gen Hart Foundation.
   
  
• And lastly, we end on a light note of hilarity. Straight from my "So Retarded I Couldn't Even Make This Shit Up If I Tried" File....
   
  So a couple of TV tapings ago, some of the local jobbers/indie guys that WWE has around to work "Heat" and fill in as stunt doubles/security/etc. were making sandwiches in the catering area. Then, out of nowhere, Johnny Ace materializes, slaps the food out of their hands, and tells them their a disrespectful bunch of bitches for daring to eat food intended for WWF Superstars who have Paid Their Dues.
   
  As you'll recall, Ace wasn't precisely demoted, but did have a lot of his responsibility and authority taken away when Stephanie McMahon was given a new job title. It's good to see, however, that he's handling his eventual slide into irrelevance with such grace by embracing his new role as Vice President In Charge of Cold Cut Distribution.
   
  What a fucking assclown. *I* have eaten at catering at a few wrestling shows, and the only way I can imagine I'd respond if some twit tried to pull that on me would be to laugh directly into his face. Granted, I also had the good sense to "show respect" by letting Sean O'Haire have the last slice of ham one time (and a good thing, too, since it turned out he's a sociopathic woman- and old-man-beater), but if I'm backstage and I feel like I want a goddamned $1.20 worth of food off a banquet table, I'm gonna take it, chumpstain. And nobody with a whit of sanity in their synapses is gonna give a shit.
   
  
• Thus ends today's column. Happy weekending, folks.