The Rick has learned a valuable lesson:
 

His actions directly influence the outcomes of major sporting events.

It's true. And two weeks ago, I found out the hard way that the effect of me talking up the mighty power of my favorite college hoops teams here in the PreRamble to my column was instant and total systems failure. The sudden influx of marks in the "Loss" column 

With that new understanding in place, it goes without saying that I couldn't permit myself to write a column last week heading into the Super Bowl. You put a keyboard in my hands, and not only would it become patently obvious that I have THOUSANDS of different ways to skewer the dirty cheating Patriots and their quarterback (who is a rare and elusive Half-Manbimbo, Half-Ladyboy), but it'd be pretty clear that I was a cautiously optimistic NY Giants fan. 

Surely, if the Cosmos had gotten wind of that, it would choose to taunt and toy with my emotions by allowing the Pats to have a blow-out win and their perfect season. Instead, my silence insured that the most-watched football game of all times ended happily for all and included the single most greatest and awesomest play from scrimmage in the history of the Super Bowl. And now, my boys are living proof that it's far better to be 14-6 than it is to be 18-1. Neener neener neener.

In order to insure continued pleasing outcomes, I'd like to inform the Cosmos that I no longer have any vested interest in college basketball. None. In fact, I never watch the stuff. I much prefer the Home and Garden Network. Boy. I sure hope nothing bad would ever happen to the Home and Garden Network. What ever would I do with myself?

Got that, Cosmos? We clear? Good. Then onto some wrestling:

• John Cena's surprise return to win the Royal Rumble got just about everybody buzzing, and counts as one of the coolest and best guarded surprises in recent memory. WWE has, by and large, lost its "Holy Shit" Factor in the last 4-5 years, but at Madison Square Garden, at the Rumble, they definitely delivered a Water Cooler Moment.
   
  Sadly, I'm here to report that they seem to have already pissed away pretty much whatever "buzz" and momentum had been built up.
   
  For me, as a fan with my own personal tastes, the honeymoon ended on Monday. I loved being surprised, I loved being unsure of what was next, and loved the brief sensation that John Cena might be more interesting or exciting in this new incarnation... and I hated that all that got pissed away with the return of bludgeoningly-one-dimensional Superman Cena. I was willing to overlook a lot (such as the gaping Logic Hole that set up a Cena/Orton match at No Way Out) in the name of the "freshness" Cena would bring to RAW... but the second he's back to being booked as super-human even as an audible and omnipresent percentage of the audience craps all over him, you can forget about freshness. That's nothing but the same old rancid mayo that WWE's left sitting out in the sun since 2005.
   
  In broader and more objective terms, Cena's honeymoon also appears to be over with the WWE audience at large. Cena's Rumble victory certainly generated a lot of attention, and RAW spiked a 3.9 rating the next night (a gain of 10% over recent averages, and a bigger spike than RAW got for the return of Jericho). But this week, RAW's ratings dropped right back down to pre-Cena levels, and the show did a 3.6.
   
  More telling: last week, RAW's 3.9 was the result of a show that had its biggest audience in the opening quarter hour, and saw that audience diminish over time. People tuned in, saw Cena, quickly realized that Cena or No Cena, the show was still kinda crap, and then most of those incremental viewers said buh-bye. Last week's RAW had one of the bigger hour vs. hour splits in recent memory, and the data is flipped versus what WWE *wants* to see on a good night: RAW's first hour did a very strong 4.2, and the second hour limped home with a 3.6. That is a large and significant fluctuation, and not the sign of a healthy show.
   
  That this week's RAW turned in a 3.6 pretty much tells you where WWE's week-in and week-out audience size is. But even within that 3.6, there was a smaller-scale version of what happened the previous week going on, as RAW's first hour again out-rated its second hour.
   
  And I, for one, can't blame a single viewer who bailed on the show right around 10pm (eastern). That's the exact point at which *I* bailed on the show and decided I'd just watch the rest later on a HEAVY fast-forward. Honest injun: it's not like the first hour was either particularly offensive nor particularly engaging. It was something I could watch with about half-my-brain tied behind my back, because it was just a bit of by the numbers table setting. But since I was flipping around (trying to catch any news of Bob Knight, mostly) I was only dimly aware of how all the pieces of RAW were fitting together.
   
  And then: the image of Vince McMahon, pantsless, bending forward, while a stereotypically-gay-looking hair-stylist type applied cream to Vince's ass and started buffing it.
   
  It all came crashing home: WWE spent the first hour "setting the stage" for the rest of the show. But now, we're passing the midway point of the show, and what does the second hour actually hold? Good gawd.... this is when I realized that the next 60 minutes would contain: (1) more of Vince being pantsless and wanting grown men to kiss his ass because he (and he alone) is under the impression its funny to do so. (2) Gene F. Snitsky inexplicably consorting with actually talented upper-tier wrestlers and single handedly making it impossible to give a shit about the alleged main event wrestling match. (3) Mark Henry bringing his unique brand of Suck to Monday night for a freaking ARM WRESTLING CONTEST that can only end in one possible way that even a houseplant should be able to see coming down Broadway.
   
  Any one of those things would be enough to annoy me. But all three of them? Packed into one hour? Like I said: that's when I just bailed, rather than subject myself to something that might actually cause me physical pain.
   
  Once I sped through on FF, I determined that that had to be one of the laziest and most counter-productive RAWs ever written. I mean, christ, almost every moronic "crutch" in WWE's playbook was in use, and all in one night. The "tricks" they can use to pad out a show, the predictable fluff they can cart out once in a while if they're feeling lazy, it was all in there. You had a Contract Signing, you had an unfunny "Kiss My Ass Club" skit, and you had a main event Arm Wrestling Contest. Each a lazier and more pointless crutch than the last. Crutches should be used maybe once a month. Not thrice a night. And let us not forget Gene Goddamned Snitsky stinking up a 20 minute wrestling match.
   
  I don't know what that was on Monday. But it wasn't Sports, and it wasn't Entertainment. And it sure as hell wasn't Wrestling.
   
  If the creative team were to be in a buck-passing mood, they might offer the following excuses: due to WWE's overseas travel schedule (Pacific Rim and South America are on the itinerary the next 10 days), they had to write and tape two weeks worth of TV on Monday. So on the grounds that they apparently work 70 hours a week to do the 10-hour job that is writing 2-hours worth of RAW, apparently doing two shows in one week really stretched them thin. 
   
  Also: Triple H was absent (his sister's husband passed away suddenly), requiring rewrites on the day of the show. That's why he wasn't around this week, and why he won't be around next week.
   
  Needless to say, this might "explain" some of the deficiencies on Monday, but it doesn't do a whole lot to "excuse" them. We'll have to see if the same weaknesses are present in next week's RAW. I know what was taped, but it appears to be insufficient to fill up a two-hour show, leading me to speculate if WWE doesn't have plans in place to do some kind of major out-of-arena/via-satellite type of remote angle to edit into the show (possibly involving HHH, since it'd be the only way to get him on the show leading into the PPV where he'll presumably be winning the WM24 title shot).
   
  But we'll worry about next week, next week. For now, WWE gave us more than enough to worry about this week. And WWE has more than enough to worry about if the "Cena Effect" has -- as it seems to have -- already run its course.
   
  
• Ahead of the overseas tour, SD! (and ECW) also taped two weeks worth of TV this week. By nature, SD!'s product is more stable and rarely suffers from weeks of utter poorness like RAW sometimes can. Of course, this comes at the price of being unable to hit the really high notes (that RAW is also capable of hitting on good weeks). So from what I can gather, you won't really be noticing the SD! Writer Monkeys struggling with the "2-weeks-in-1" problem the way RAW did.
   
  But...
   
  I would be remiss if I didn't bitch and moan mightily about SD! doing an Elimination Chamber match at the No Way Out PPV. Not because I feel 2 Chamber matches in one night "devalues" the gimmick (which a lot of you apparently do feel).... but because of the *way* SD! is using the Chamber.
   
  RAW's Chamber is set up so that -- by a combination of the storytelling/interrelationships and the credibility of the six men involved -- you can convince yourself there are 5 possible winners. Which makes for plenty of ambiguity and drama.
   
  SD!'s Chamber, on the other hand, is a case of WWE trying to turn a 2-man race (and that's being charitable when it comes to Batista's chances) into a 6-man match. And that's just WAY too far of a stretch, and it comes off contrived and weak. If the Chamber gimmick is being "devalued," it's not because of 2 matches in one night, it's because one of the matches is idiotically constructed and gives fans no choice but to not give a shit about four of the entrants (2 because they simply lack the credentials to be in such a match, and 2 others because they are big giant oafs who suck).
   
  And it's not like it *had* to be that way, either. WWE willfully chose that inane line-up of six when better options did exist. If it's me, I say you only need one giant oaf to act as a prop, so lose one of them. And MVP? Man alive, the guy is FINALLY inching his way to being accepted as a credible US Champ, and WWE goes and gets the yips and tries to shove him as a World Title contender? I know it's hard to understand, WWE, but this does the guy more harm than good. Get MVP out of there and into a scenario in which fans will buy him and in which he can continue to build on success, instead of going back to accruing failures.
   
  In their places: Kane (just because any time you can put him and Taker together in a situation, there will always be a little extra sizzle) and CM Punk. Yes, I know I'm decimating the heel side of the match, but guess what? I don't care. If they are heels no fans believe in, then what difference does it make, anyway? And plus: anything that forces Batista to perhaps exhibit heelish tendencies is a good thing, as that guy is becoming one boring-ass chore to deal with as far as his character (or lack there-of) goes.
   
  I mostly like the idea of including Punk because his crossover bits with Edge and Chavo have gone REALLY well, and the chance to be in this match not only helps HIM (by fostering his burgeoning popularity) but adds a ton of extra layers to the match itself. Punk's involvement could hint at him using the Chamber to win a shot at Chavo's ECW Title (which then also raises the profile of that brand), but it also reinforces the idea that Punk is hungry to get back at Edge (and also hungry for bigger and better titles). If you build up Punk as a crossover player, then you also get the chance to do more with Chavo on SD!, which is great because he factors perfectly into the Edge/Vickie Guerrero story.... in fact, if you put Punk into the Chamber, you can also shake up the World Title Match by having Teddy Long (temporarily in charge) book an Edge vs. Rey vs. Chavo "Winner Take All Double Title Match" or something. It's a LOT more exciting than the predictable Edge/Rey rematch, and on a storyline side it does a few things, like (1)  testing the bonds of "The Familia" by putting Edge and Chavo at odds, and (2) leaving open the slim possibility of Edge pinning Chavo (instead of Rey) to become a "double champion," thus adding even MORE depth to Punk's crossover and raising ECW's profile further still.
   
  But now I'm digressing into the realm of fantasy booking, and though all these jumbled ideas seem awesome in my brain, unless I write them up fully and clearly, I doubt I'm explaining them well enough to entertain you. So I'll quit while I'm ahead. Suffice to say, though, that no matter how half-baked, these ideas beat the piss out of the lame Chamber line-up SD!'s got for us at No Way Out.
   
  
• Perhaps you read about or saw Brock Lesnar's UFC debut last weekend? If not: the basic deal is that he looked about as good as a guy can look in a match where he submits in under 90 seconds. He landed a goodly number of shots, but the second time they went to the mat, Lesnar's inexperience showed, and he got caught in a leg lock and had to tap.
   
  Both TNA and WWE wound up helping to promote the match... TNA because of the cross-promotion aspects of working with SpikeTV, and WWE because UFC paid them. WWE also benefits from the idea of a lingering association with Lesnar, on the off chance he succeeds in UFC, so they had Steve Austin, Undertaker, and others sitting ringside for the PPV (and reportedly, Vince spoke with Lesnar the day of the fight, as well).
   
  A ranting digression, if I may? Good: the next person who misuses the word "submit" in MMA Coverage of Any Kind is hereby ordered to leap off of a very tall building and kill himself. I realize that all fields have their own unique lingo and terminology (none moreso than wrestling), but it's usually in place to describe something for which there was no previous term. Not so here, where the easy-to-say/write phrase "Mir made Lesnar submit" is invariably written as "Mir submitted Lesnar" by MMA Wankers. Why? I don't know, but as awful a wordsmith as Meltzer is, I'm just going to blame him for this now-widely-accepted misuse.
   
  End ranting digression.
   
  
• It took almost 2 weeks, but WWE now confirms what Bobby Lashley has already discussed openly: Lashley has been released from the company. WWE made the announcement on Monday.
   
  So much for "cooler heads prevailing" (as they have in 2 instance of Carlito wanting to quit the company), eh?
   
  There doesn't appear to be any one, single reason for Lashley's decision, just a bunch of little flare-ups that eventually added up. The bigger speedbumps, going chronologically, were apparently (1) Lashley was upset about his WrestleMania 23 pay-off as he thought he should be compensated as a main eventer due to the high profile of his match (despite the fact that he had nothing to do with the profile of said match, and it was all about Vince and Trump, as witnessed by the fact that Trump got FIVE MILLION DOLLARS, which is more than ANYBODY ELSE on the show made for the night), (2) Lashley didn't care for the handling of his girlfriend (Kristal Marshall's) dismissal from the company last fall, and (3) Lashley felt like the company did not communicate well with him during his injury hiatus and did not have a plan in place for him to make a big return once he was healthy.
   
  Oh well... I admit that I see in Lashley all kinds of potential that I just never see when I look at your Ortons and Masters. But the truth of the matter is that you can gauge a guy's CURRENT value by how much you miss him when he gets hurt and goes away. And I figure I'm like most fans when I say: I didn't exactly miss Lashley when he went down to the injury. He's still young, and there's still time for him to repair the necessary bridges and live up to his potential, but it's not like WWE is losing a guy who is an "instant fix" to any of their current problems, I guess...
   
  Also of note: once Lashley's release became official, he also officially took on new representation. He's taken on a new firm that specializes in managing MMA fighters. So if you're looking to speculate about Lashley's near-term future, I think you just got a big ol' hunk of something-to-chew-on.
   
  
• Another "officially announced" item... Chris Harris (half of TNA's America's Most Wanted) is now OFFICIALLY a member of the WWE family. Two weeks ago, Harris seemingly did his farewell to TNA Pals after TV tapings, and TNA briefly posted a message on their website confirming his departure. Then, they took that down just hours later, fueling speculation that he'd remain with the company.
   
  Not so. The WWE deal is done. Now to see if he amounts to anything more in WWE than Cassidy Riley did... [yes, Cassidy Riley was under a WWE contract for roughly the past year; he just got released this week without making it past the developmentals]
   
  
• Apparently, all is in readiness for Big Show's WWE return; it's just a matter of finding the right spot where they can maximize the impact of his comeback. Pretty much all anybody is willing to say at this point is that "it'll happen by WrestleMania." Thanks for the insight, Potsie....
   
  
• Some confusion in the past week, as the first ads for WrestleMania were distributed to various cable providers, and included vague mentions of the various legacies that will be on the line. When the voice-over guy talked about Flair's career being on the line and Undertaker's undefeated streak being on the line, consecutively, this immediately spawned a belief that the two were related, and Flair would be facing Taker.
   
  It's actually kind of a neat idea, but that's not what the ad was indicating. Trust me. It was Flair's Career AND Taker's Streak, not Flair's Career OR Taker's Streak.
   
  At this point, a leading candidate to face Flair at WM24 is Shawn Michaels, though nothing is set in stone till somebody figures out the right story and whatnot to set it up. Michaels, as you may recall, has decided to start using his WrestleManias to "do things he hasn't done before." He and Flair have crossed paths before, certainly, but have never had the one signature match that you might hope for out of the best in-ring performers of consecutive generations. Throw in the fact that Michaels does take pride in giving his opponents "one last great match" (like the way he made Hogan genuinely watchable at SummerSlam a few years ago), and you can see how this rumor is gaining traction.
   
  
• Dave Lagana, a key cog in the WWE creative machine for the past 4-plus years, was released by the company just prior to the Rumble PPV in a sudden and unexpected move. He had been the head writer for SD! for some time, but was most recently in charge of ECW. Dusty Rhodes is, for the time being, the one calling the shots on ECW.
   
  Before you celebrate or start assuming this might lead to some kind of significant changes to TV: take my word for it, none of WWE's major crimes in the past 4 years are Lagana's fault. Well, unless you consider swallowing his pride and giving in to the WWE Culture of Sycophancy; in a lot of ways, Paul Heyman "mentored" Lagana early on, but apparently didn't teach him the part about being a loud-mouthed hot-head who didn't put up with McMahon Family Bullshit.
   
  Anyway, details are scarce, but the timing of the move is certainly enough to lend credence to the idea that this was a surprise move. One story making the rounds is that Lagana was busted "leaking" backstage info as part of an internal "bust" (where different false stories were planted with different people to see which ones made it into the Observer). That's a sensible a story as any, I guess. Because only WWE could be so fucktarded that they don't care about people doing stupid things and having stupid ideas.... they care about word GETTING OUT about the stupid things and stupid ideas. Brilliant, they are.
   
  
• Speaking of Heyman, this is grounds for a World Class Segue into taking about an awesome interview with him... we're talking must-read material, and it's available at:
   
  www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/sport/wrestling/ 
   
  No punches are pulled when it comes to discussing Vince McMahon's incompetent handling of ECW, but no cheapshots are taken, either. Heyman's even-handed and philosophical about it, saying Vince owns ECW, and has since 2001, so he can do with it as he pleases, and Heyman just figures the ratings speak for themselves.
   
  Heyman has a lot of morsels about Vince, actually, not just related to ECW and Heyman's departure from WWE. For me, it's not necessarily new information, but it's helpful in terms of solidifying certain things that had previously only been relayed to me in vague, general terms. Suffice to say, any long time readers out there probably remember a time when I'd openly campaign and stump for a job at WWE, and might have noticed when I stopped doing that back in 2004 or so. All the reasons why are encapsulated in Heyman's lengthy descriptions of Vince McMahon's management style, which he deemed to be ultimately incompatible with his own (to the extent that Heyman turned down a very lucrative offer to come back last year to oversee the developmental program).
   
  I'll say no more, and just insist you read the damned interview for yourself.
   
  
• Yesterday, TNA issued a press release inviting Bob Knight to become the "head coach" of TNA.
   
  That may be the stupidest fricking thing I've ever heard, but whatever.... it's not going to amount to anything.
   
  Well: except that I wish TNA were sometimes aware of how stupid it looks, and decided to use this as storyline fodder. For instance: as Samoa Joe continues his contract negotiations, Master Nash should whisper in his ear, and Joe should then demand "Oh, and that Bob Knight thing was the stupidest fricking thing I've ever heard. So tell you what: whatever you're paying the dipshit who thought of that, just fire him, give me that money, and you can pay me to NOT have stupid ideas, OK?"... or something like that.
   
  
• TNA has supposedly told Raven that they'll be honoring the rest of his contract, but has no plans to use him on TV again. Huh. Given what Raven's delivered in-ring lately, it's probably no huge loss, but I'm a Raven fan, and every time TNA serves up embarassingly-bad Abyss- or BlackReign-related tripe, I just can't help but think that Raven's brand of contrived nonsense would be preferable...
   
  
• Impact continues to hold steady at a 1.2 rating the past two weeks. ECW hasn't broken out of its 1.3 rut, either. So even though we're talking about margins of error that Nielsen can't, mathematically, defend, one of these weeks, it seems inevitable that TNA's gonna out-rate ECW.
   
  The ratings "surge" (such that it is) has TNA thinking of trying to build upon that momentum by changing their tapings schedule so that Impact is live every other week. Instead of taping Monday and Tuesday, they'd tape Thursday and Friday, with the Thursday even being broadcast live on Spike.
   
  This, of course, would be a HUGE undertaking from the production side, as it's patently obvious that every edition of Impact is heavily edited (and not very well, I might add). Going live would be quite a challenge for the company's existing personnel. 
   
  Before committing to a new schedule, TNA would like to try at least one test run, though, to see if it's do-able. There are talks that this could take place in March, on the final Thursday before WrestleMania, as kind of an Attention Grabber as fans start flocking to Orlando for WM, and TNA gives them a reason to arrive a few days early to visit the ImpactZone.
   
  
• Lastly for today (and finishing up our TNA coverage): TNA has their Against All Odds PPV this weekend. 
   
  TNA has, essentially, two interesting stories percolating. One is Samoa Joe (being advised by Master Backstage Politician Kevin Nash) being a dick and trying to get more money out of TNA because he feels disrespected. By necessity, this means Joe isn't actually working a match on the PPV, because he's too busy having an attitude problem.
   
  So that leaves the other story -- the matter of Kurt Angle, Christian, the TNA Title, and the shifting allegiance of AJ Styles -- to carry the load on an otherwise thin show. Angle versus Christian for the TNA Title should be a more than serviceable main event, especially if there are AJ-related extracurriculars. Unfortunately, the AJ/Tomko part of the story will be told in a tag title match against.... wait for it.... wait for it... Road Dogg and his Dad. I shit you not, and it's as retarded as it sounds. Doubly retarded, since you just know that Kip "Billy Gunn" James is somehow going to end up getting involved, thus making things even gayer.
   
  The rest of the card is highlighted by Bobby Roode vs. Booker T in a special "Please Pretend to Give a Shit About Bobby Roode Match".... a no-holds-barred street fight with the Dudleys and their little mascot guy versus the Motor City Machine Guns and Jay Lethal should actually be pretty good if they just cut the nonsense and brawl their asses off (Dudleys, this means no more watered down attempts to re-cut promos that you cut 10 years ago and expecting them to work).... there's the stupid gimmick match with Abyss that we talked about last column (it had to be pre-taped because the South Carolina athletic commission no-likey the barbed wire)....  and then two women's matches: that's right, two. One's for the title, and the other would probably hold my attention if for no other reason than Traci Brooks in tight pants.
   
  If the card looks thin to you, you're not the only one. Apparently, fans in South Carolina are lining up in droves to not buy tickets. The past week, TNA has been in Desperation Mode, offering discounted tickets (and presumbly by the time you read this, they'll be giving tickets away in various local promotions)... while you might argue the card is affecting ticket sales, or that TNA miscalculated when entering a new market (after having been successful with PPVs held in other cities), I've heard a lot of fans complain that TNA screwed themselves by adopting a WWE-style pricing structure that was just WAY out of whack with what they should command. We're talking $200 ringside seats and everything. 
   
  That does not compute. TNA's most rabid fans are probably the same type who attend a lot of ROH or indie shows, and are used to paying $10 or $15 for a ticket. The incremental fanbase TNA hopes to add are familiar with WWE but still see TNA as "minor league" and would rather pay $50 for a ticket to sit ringside for a live RAW than pay $200 to watch a TNA PPV. TNA's really gonna need to rethink this strategy, lest sluggish ticket sales affect their Destination X PPV in March.
   
  
• That's all for me today. I'm quite sure I'll be back at it again sometime next week, filling you in on anything of note from TNA's PPV, but also kvetching about WWE's taped eidition of RAW and best of all, taking a look at the No Way Out PPV.
   
  Till then, be well, and remember: I have no rooting interest in college basketball whatsoever. None.