Yes, it's true that I'm shitty when it comes to acting like a homeless person... a big ol' PPV weekend, I write a stellar recap (featuring poker tibits and ArmSock Advice) that'll be seen by even more people than my usual columns, and then I try to put a plug in at the very end that mentions OO is currently taking donations, and I PUT IN A BROKEN LINK.
 
Genius.
 

• Without a doubt, the biggest news in the wrestling world today is the plight of this coming Monday's RAW because of those evil liars in the NBA. It's, like, even all over ESPN and everything!
   
  Of course, it raises the question, "Why?", since it strikes me as a phenomenal NON-story, really, but hey: Vince has the maturity of a 7-year-old and ESPN IS LETTING HIM SHOWCASE IT EVEN THOUGH THEY OWN THE RIGHTS TO THE NBA PLAYOFFS AND ARE HURTING THEIR OWN CHANCES BY LETTTING VINCE CONSTANTLY PROMOTE HIS SIDE OF THE STORY. Wow.
   
  The deal is this: WWE booked the Pepsi Arena in Denver for this Monday's RAW. Then the Denver Nuggets went and surprised everybody (including their own ownership) by advancing to the Western Conference Finals, and now they need to host a game at the Pepsi Arena on Monday night. Something's got to give.
   
  Although the NHL has been forced to re-arrange playoff schedules in the past due to other entertainment acts being booked in home arenas, this is the NBA we're talking about: you know? A real sport that a reasonable number of people actually follow. So even if Yanni can make hockey HIS bitch when it comes to arena bookings, basketball is NOT gonna let lowly Vince McMahon steamroll them. So it was WWE that was going to give in this one.
   
  Which sounds all interesting and dramatic for about 4 seconds, until you realize that WWE isn' exactly helpless, and that these are two powerful international entities butting heads, and between them, an easy and amicable solution IS going to happen. Right?
   
  Well, as it turns out: not exactly. The easy solution (one of many open to WWE) was nixed on Wednesday morning in favor of the Dick Solution (which Vince hopes will KEEP him on ESPN and in the spotlight for a few more days).
   
  Denver, being like most big cities, has more than one sizeable venue for sporting events. Denver, like most cities, has neighboring cities with arenas of their own. WWE, like it does every weekend, booked a full slate of shows in and around the Denver region, any one of which could have been turned into the week's RAW taping, or which could have "flipped" dates with Monday's Denver show so RAW could still be live.
   
  At first, talks were to flip Monday's Denver show with Sunday's Loveland, CO, house show, with Loveland now hosting RAW tapings. Then it was slightly altered so that WWE would tape RAW on Sunday in Denver, and Loveland would still just get a house show on Monday. And then, because all this makes perfect sense and would have cost nobody anything (both WWE and the Nuggets get essentially what they want, and more over, the AREA FANS aren't dicked over), WWE stopped returning Pepsi Arena's phone calls and held a press conference Wednesday night.
   
  To announce that Monday's RAW will now be held 1000 miles away in Los Angeles, CA, at the Staples Center. Which just so happens to be the home arena of the Lakers, who are facing the Nuggets in this playoff series. In milking this for every ounce its worth, Vince further announced that the main event of RAW will be WWE's own "Lakers vs. Nuggets" Homage, in the form of a 5-on-5 tag match featuring the top guys (Legacy, Big Show, Cena, Batista, etc.) and also involving a fake-version of the Nuggets owner (who Vince has made it his mission to demonize) and McMahon himself in some kind of ringside role.
   
  Yay? I mean: RAW's been pretty shitty as of late, and the ratings prove it, but if the solution is wasting two hours of my time watching Vince McMahon battle his own massive issues and insecurities on TV by play-pretending at being more important than the NBA, I want no part of that. I thought LAST Monday's show was bad enough, when the announcers seemed to be being fed lines about the Nuggets and their owner every 3.5 minutes. Just horrible and immature and obnoxious. Imagine how it's going to be on Monday when Vince is LIVE AND IN PERSON from the VENUE OF THE NUGGETS OPPOSITION.
   
  On second though: don't. You imagine too hard and too long about that, and you end up the same place I do... dying a little bit inside when you realize this is probably going to mean us seeing Dennis Rodman back in a wrestling ring. 
   
  Anyway, what's the move to LA mean? Let's see: (1) WWE has cancelled not just the Denver event, but has also now cancelled the Sunday night house show AND Tuesday's Smackdown tapings in Colorado Springs in order to simplify travel plans. (1a) That's three arenas full of fans they've dicked over. (1b) That's three arenas full of fans they'll have to compensate, if the fans so choose (the only other option is for fans to wait for the next WWE event, and in all cases, they are house shows, not TV tapings, so I'm betting Denver and Colorado Springs will have ample "refunds" instead of "exchanges").
   
  (2) WWE now has mere days -- days over a holiday weekend, no less -- to figure out how to sell at least 20,000 tickets to LA fans (at least 10,000 for both Monday's live RAW *and* the also-moved Tuesday TV tapings). Anything less than 15,000 per show and the venue will look crappy on TV; anything les than 10,000 and they'll be losing money over what they'd already sold in Colorado (on top of now possibly having to pay back Denver fans). Honestly, at this point, I'd just focus on selling ONE show, and hold a massive Mega-Taping on Monday. Take advantage of the 3 hour time difference: do RAW live from 6pm to 8pm in LA, then make the fans stick around till midnight to get ECW, SmackDown, and Superstars all in the can. Granted, that turns this into a near 7-hour ordeal, but who out there really thinks WWE can put a decent house in the 20,000-seat Staples Center on back-to-back nights without just inviting everybody in for free?
   
  (3) ESPN and the media are going to be sick and fucking tired of talking about this non-story by Friday, now that it has its entirely-expected ending where both RAW and the NBA will be just fine, leaving WWE with absolutely zero real additional interest in their Monday night "Immatur-o-Fest" featuring Lakers vs. Nuggets, and leaving them with no lingering sympathy or interest from non-fans over what was, briefly, an odd little story.
   
  EVERYBODY WINS~!
   
  There's even talk of WWE holding a house show in LA on Sunday night to make up for cancelling *that* show, which would be three consecutive nights of WWE at the Staples Center. Even if that house show is Kooky Talk (it's gotta be, right?), I really wonder how wise this move is gonna look when WWE puts about 8000 paid into the arena on Monday, and maybe 5000 on Tuesday? There's talk that Staples threw in some decent little incentives to get WWE to come to them (and thus, hoping to piggyback on the "sympathy" and goodwill from fans; you know, the sympathy that's going to be non-existent by Saturday), but even if that helps level the finances, they still need warm bodies in the arena for TV tapings. 
   
  We'll see how it goes. It just baffles me that with so many easy/logical solutions in front of them, WWE decided to go with this. All because of Vince, his immaturity, and his belief that there's no such thing as bad publicity (well, unless one of your wrestlers commits a double-murder/suicide, in which case he learns to clam up, but otherwise? not so much). 
   
  Brace for a kuh-razy week of WWE TV, OO Nation: Rodman, "we're better than the NBA" posturing," and probably 2 billion uses of the name "Kroenke" are all yours for the taking! Who needs wrestling when you can beat the dead horse of a "pop culture feud" that'll already be 3 days past its expiration date by Monday? This'll make that stupid Rosie vs. Donald thing look downright relevant and grown-up by comparison...
   
  
• Next topic: ratings. Because even if 4 shows out of 5 fail to deviate more than 0.2 from their averages in a given week, it's still illustrative to look at RAW's ratings as a barometer of the Larger Fanbase Of Less Serious Fans.
   
  It's ingrained in us that "Monday night is wrestling night," and even if your fandom no longer allows for an 8-hour-per-week habit, Monday is the night where marginal and fringe fans like yourself will still give wrestling a look-see and decide if you like what's being served up. RAW's potential range in a given week is basically one whole ratings point.
   
  And wouldn't you know it? For the past month, they've been skating by near the very bottom of that range. The night after Backlash, there was no "post-PPV bump," no signs of interest from fans. Instead, in one week, RAW dropped from a 3.7 (pretty close to its year-to-date average) to a 3.4 for the First Night Of the Latest Orton Era. This meant that in his first week as champ and COMING OFF A PPV WHERE THERE IS USUALLY A SPIKE, Orton set a new record low for 2009-to-date.
   
  The next Monday, he broke his own record with a 3.3. The next week, he did another 3.3 (but if you choose to believe Nielsen, and go out to the hundreths place, the rating WAS lower than the week before). He was 3-for-3 in terms of setting year-to-date low ratings records until this week (another post-PPV show), when RAW did a 3.6. I'd say "congrats," but it's still below the year-to-date average, and means Randall has scored RAW's 3 worst ratings of the year, and also it's 8th worst. Nothing to be proud of there.
   
  Now, there are some fans out there (by this I mean "out there, among YOU, the relatively smart fans and OO readers") who have started taking a shine to Randy Orton, albeit almost exclusively because "at least he's not Triple H, who is evil and sucks and I hate him." And yet, here's where the irony kicks in: because among the small minority of Orton Apologists, the consensus is these ratings AREN'T RANDY'S FAULT. If only HHH were on TV, things would be better. If only Cena were featured more, instead of selling an injury, ratings would be higher. And so on and so forth...
   
  So, Orton Army: you hate HHH so much that you embrace a loitering sack of mediocre like Orton as the company's top star, but at the same time YOU WANT HHH BACK ON TV BECAUSE HIS ABSENCE IS HURTING RANDY'S CHANCES? I'm sorry if I offend, but it must be said: this makes you Randall's precise intellectual equal.
   
  Now, granted, I actually agree that the absence/marginalizations of HHH/Cena has not helped RAW's box office drawing power. Having Cena back at "normal" will help, and when HHH returns, he'll be a boost, too. I think whatever ratings gains were made this week are, probably, almost 100% entirely driven by Ric Flair's surprise return, too. So I agree with you on that much. But see, the thing is that my solution to the whole mess would have been TO NOT PUT RANDY ON TOP TO BEGIN WITH. No "giving it another try and then retroactively bitching about a depleted roster later" nonsense. I just wouldn't have set him up to fail again. Which he was bound to do. Because it's the only thing he's ever done.
   
  Before this title run, Orton was -- objectively and measurably -- the least watched champion on RAW since the Brand Split of 2002 (of any champ with 8 or more weeks on top). So far in this run, Orton is only adding to his lead in this category. At some point, it HAS to cease being the fault of things going on around Randy, and start being recognized as fans-at-large simply zoning out when that vaguely-adequate, mostly-forgettable, channel-flip inducing weenis is on TV. This is no longer a matter of correlation, kids; it's a matter of causation.
   
  So with that little tidbit recognized, I just wouldn't have booked things to put Randall in this position. Not to have mercy on the poor schlub: but just because it gives me no joy to have the product I still watch every week suck (I'm no masochist), and there are better, more fitting places to "hide" Orton than over-pushing him as your champ. He truly is this generation's Lex Luger: always with "The Look" and always with the monster push and backing of the office, but never with the "skills" or with the "results." Difference is: most of Lex's failed over-pushes came in WCW, but even Vince was able to see the guy's short-comings and re-cast him as a tag wrestler without ever once putting the Big Gold on him... so why so stubborn, now? I really would be interested in knowing. Is it just that nothing else has worked, and you honestly feel this is the best you've got? I dunno...
   
  
• Even as ratings are bottoming out, WWE continues to use spin and outright lies to make them LOOK like winners. A really funny one a few weeks ago: WWE drew more males aged 18-34 than American Idol in a week! WOW! That'd be AWESOME. If it were true. Which it is not.
   
  You see, American Idol has two shows per week, each listed as a single program by Nielsen, totalling 3 hours. So say 4 million young men watch each show: that's 8 million viewers in a week.
   
  WWE has 4 prime time shows per week, and one of them (RAW) splits its two hours into two separate "shows," so those viewers get counted twice. So let's say 2 million young men watch RAW: that's 4 million "weekly viewers" already. WWE only needed to fetch another 4 million from ECW, Superstars, and SmackDown in order to make their claim. Forget that almost every viewer of those other 3 shows was ALREADY PROBABLY A PART OF THE RAW AUDIENCE (which itself was really only 2 million and not 4 million), and you begin to see what a giant wad of false this is.
   
  But don't tell that to WWE: they are a totally with-it and successful TV franchise that sees no reason to compete with its own past (when upwards of 12 million viewers would watch wrestling JUST ON MONDAYS in the US) when it can claim market fragmentation and a PR department that failed 4th grade math as the Truth About How Ratings Are Totally OK.
   
  
• Ric Flair's return to WWE at Sunday's Judgment Day PPV was a rare well-kept surprise... although I figured something was afoot and Flair would be back later in the year, I had no idea his comeback was quite so imminent.
   
  Flair did a couple of interviews in the last week about having "the itch" to wrestle again, and also painted his decision to take the ROH bookings as the fault of Vince McMahon (who Flair asked to book him on the Draft Special and be open to other storylines going forward, but who refused). WWE had no official response, but Jim Ross blogged about Flair and how he thought it'd be cool to see Flair back in a ring again some day, just so long as Flair had the smarts to wait for the Right Opportunity and on the Right Stage. The veiled implication: if Flair wrestles as a special attraction for WWE, that would be acceptable. But if he wrestles in high school gyms for ROH, that'd be tarnishing his legacy.
   
  Also: while Flair was professional for his appearance at ROH TV tapings, he remained non-committal about returning and didn't seem to have any particular faith in or enthusiam for the product. It all added up to me figuring something was up, but that it wouldn't be "up" until much, much later, possibly with a WrestleMania date for Flair.
   
  Now, it's looking far more like SummerSlam, where Flair's in-ring return can come as part of an Evolution (Flair/HHH/Batista) vs. Legacy (Orton/DiBiase/Rhodes) storyline that should -- by necessity -- involve at least a swerve/turn or two. It's already known WWE intends to turn DiBiase face before his movie hits stores, and Batista is no less in need of a heel turn than he was the last eleventy billion times I suggested it.
   
  We'll see how it goes. RAW needed something; it's just kind of sad that a 60-year-old man is the one that they ended up turning to.
   
  
• Just so I don't forget, there was also another Flair in the news two weeks ago: Reid Flair was busted for heroin possession. So now, in addition to all his problems paying off ex-wives and the IRS, Ric's got THIS to deal with, as well.
   
  Legal fees and rehab fees and all that can add up; not to mention that now Reid will needs some SERIOUS talking-up from his dad if he's going to be invited back into the developmental program. So maybe another reason why Ric pushed a little extra harder for a comeback? I dunno...
   
  If nothing else, Flair and Hogan have more and more to comisserate over with every passing day.
   
  
• In addition to HHH taking time off to sell the enormity of Orton's Bootie Kick o' Doom and Cena being marginalized by selling his own injuries for the past month, RAW is also missing Shawn Michaels.... Michaels who is one guy ALL fans (no matter how "smart" or how "casual") know will deliver the goods. Kind of like how he did at WrestleMania.
   
  His absence has got to be hurting the show, too, and it looks like it may last longer than expected: instead of ending his sabbatical after 3 months (at the end of June or start of July), Michaels is now saying he may not come back till September (or even later) to spend more time with his kids before they head off to school.
   
  You don't need me to point out to you that this amounts to him telling WWE "Uhh, maybe don't count on me to spike that SummerSlam buyrate for you." Which could dovetail EXACTLY into Vince's sudden 180-degree turn-around on booking Flair into a key summer-time storyline.
   
  
• Undertaker might be in something of the same boat, although in his case, it's MUCH more to do with injuries than family and "recharging the batteries." He's got bad knees and hips, and wanted to take about 3 months to rest and then come back...
  
  It's now considered a possiblity that Taker will instead go under the knife for a bad hip, an arthroscopic procedure that would still allow him to return in 2-3 months. However, other whispers are that while that might be the PLANNED procedure, it's also a deal where they can get in there and find out things are even worse than believed, and the surgical procedure changes on the fly... Taker's a bona fide man's man, in the best sense of the term, and goes out of his way to make sure that nobody in the lockerroom (other than himself) knows how bad he's hurting. And so there are folks who think that Taker knows something he'd rather not know about his own body, and that's why he might be dawdling on going under the knife and possibly getting some bad news based on what they find.
   
  It's maybe not as big a deal for SmackDown in terms of ratings, but one can look at their roster and tell that another proven babyface up top would sure be nice, especially in terms of constructing viable house show line-ups. The heel side is just fine (loaded, even) with Edge and Jericho (and now, Umaga), but finding reliable babyfaces is a bit tougher.
   
  
• That said, it looks like one question mark MAY be resolving for SD's faces: Jeff Hardy's contract was set to expire later this summer, and had been cool to WWE's initial renegotiations. But some combination of WWE upping their offer and Jeff loving his new push have led to a changing of the winds. The expectation is now that Hardy is leaning towards re-upping, albeith with an understanding that he will get some time off between now and WM26. 
   
  No less than Jealous Big Brother Matt Hardy has hinted at this being a done deal in his blog. So: if you be into trusting a guy who wears a full hard-cast up to the elbow to deal with a broken metacarpel, there you have it. Jeff's sticking, it MUST be true.
   
  That allows them to keep using Jeff as a head-liner, which is good for now, since the rest of the babyface roster (minus Taker) is a work in progress. Rey Mysterio is a notch below him, but is more and more considered to be an injury risk to push him to the very top. CM Punk is next on the depth chart, but still has work to do to get over as a main eventer; the amount of work left for Johnny Morrison is roughly thrice what it is for Punk, though in due time, he'd be another candidate to be in the mix.
   
  
• Over on RAW, the only roster news that passes as "good" is that they're finally hyping the return of Ken Kennedy after HIS latest injury hiatus. On the long list of WWE developmental call-ups the past 5 years, Kennedy really is one over the VERY few with anything resembling a unique hook or "it" factor.
   
  Of course, then he goes out and does interviews that make him seem like a fuckwit and earn him the ire of the front office, too, so that's why a lot of "smart" fans are kind of pegging Kennedy as the likely "dream" partner for Brian Kendrick. Huh? Really?
   
  First of all: can WWE's front office REALLY hate Kennedy THAT much, to piss him away with an IMMEDiATE tag program instead of at least trying something else first? I mean, this is the company that rewrites policies and looks the other way to let Orton be a total fuckwit in real life and never suffer the consequences in terms of how he's booked... you'd think they could muster up a bit of forgiveness for sometbody who actually -- you know? -- can get a response out of the fans.
   
  And second: Kennedy's like most other returning stars in that he'd be best served to be a babyface. Kendrick's a dickish heel. How's the math on that work out, again?
   
  RAW's live in Kennedy's home town of Green Bay, WI, in a few weeks, and I expect he'll get a big babyface "welcome back" that night. And Kendrick will look for somebody else to be his tag partner.... [Did Kendrick use the adjective "perfect" when describing his ideal partner? If so, Joe "Son of Perfect" Hennig is looking sharp down in FCW, and would be an interesting fit if they go the "introduce a new guy" route with Kendrick's storyline.]
   
  
• Speaking of introducing new guys and making new stars: Vince held a Very Special Meeting at TV tapings a few weeks ago to introduce a new company-wide mandate to loosen up the reigns on young talent so that EVERYbody will get a chance to shine and WWE can make a new generation of mega-stars. Nobody will be held down, there will be no limitations, you make your own destiny!
   
  Well, it sounds good in theory, but few really believe it: it's just another one of Vince's little flighty mood changes that never sticks (like "UFC-style" booked PPVs with only one or two big matches and then unannounced matches and filler; that lasted, what?, 5 months?)... and it's lately that Vince has seen HBK and Taker stealing the show at WM, but then taking time off due to being elderly, and realizing HHH is 40 already and your Ortons have yet to catch fire, and he needs to do something fast before he's left with no more top guys. So he had a meeting, told the guys that they're even allowed to go talk to Steph and the Writers to promote their OWN ideas for their characters and all that...
   
  But at the end of the day, it'll probably be business as usual, with pet projects getting pushed and wrestlers'-own-ideas getting ignored en route to the trusty ol' "Creative didn't have anything for you, so please enjoy your future endeavors." Most I've talked to think WWE's problems in this area won't be solved by a smiley-faced company meeting, but instead needs to be addressed down at the developmental level (yes, we're talking Johnny Ace's department), where there are issues cultivating and prepping the right guys.
   
  [In fact, just last week, I heard that somebody in Ace's department was furious that Shelton Benjamin was allowed to help in the training because "Shelton can do things in the ring that NONE of these kids we hired can do, they don't need to be learning from him; they need to be learning how to put on a show from some of our old-timers." Oy vey: it'd be hilarious if only it weren't true. DON'T LET SHELTON TEACH THEM TO WRESTLE, CUZ WE DIDN'T HIRE ANYBODY WHO WE THOUGHT COULD WRESTLE~! Wow: so WWE did the equivalent of filling the classroom with guys barely capable of doing 3rd-grade math, and somehow it's SHELTON's fault for having at least completed high school algebra. Brilliant.]
   
  Anyway: so far, it really only seems like Miz is falling under this new category of "star making his own destiny." He looks self-motivated, and his patter and style even seems fresher and less ham-handed than typical Writer Monkey tripe. Now, goddamit, Miz: go get the Reversible ArmSock I told you about in the Judgment Day PPV Recap, and you'll be bigger than The Rock and the ArmSock will be bigger than the People's Elbowpad! I promise!
   
  Also expected to be getting a lot of free reign and a hands-off approach from the writers: Chris Jericho and Rey Mysterio. They have some ideas for how an extended feud between them could go (much as Jericho and Michaels wrote most of their own stuff last year), and I guess it's been greenlit. But in their cases, this is far from a deal where WWE's "making new stars."
   
  
• Since last we spoke, WWE announced a round of quarterly financials. I don't think you'll be shocked to hear that business is down. You may be surprised to hear that at least WWE didn't go overboard spinning and sugar-coating it, and instead just blamed the economy.
   
  In communicating with investors, WWE made it clear that they'll continue to aggressively cut costs, and have already begun a process of taking "WWE Legends" off of weekly retainers. Basically, these retired legends got $500 to remain available for any appearance/interview WWE deemed necessary and not book themsleves for non-WWE appearances. This is now being seen as unnecessary (hell, when Flair can appear on WWE TV even as he still has 3 more episodes of ROH, I think we can see that WWE's willing to be flexible with "exclusivity," especially if it can save them a few bucks.
   
  The one thing I do like looking at each quarter is how PPV buys did... I think WWE has gotten good at covering up shortcomings in the Core Product (what we see on TV and in arenas) with gains in Ancillary Products (merchandise, DVDs, the video library). But PPV buys cut to the core of how interested people are in what you're doing.
   
  This quarter saw the Royal Rumble draw 80,000 fewer buys this year versus last year (down to 450,000) and No Way Out draw 60,000 fewer (down to 270,000). Although WrestleMania was "late" this year and fell outside of this fiscal quarter, the early estimates seemed to indicate a drop of 200,000 (into the 800,000 range) was likely for WM25. Considering that each PPV buy ends up netting WWE a little over $20 (domestically; and more like $30 for the over-priced WM), you could be looking at a revenue shortage of $10 million or more (just for one quarter). There's no real good way to spin that, so yeah: why not blame the economy?
   
  Or blame internet streams! As WWE is doing. Because getting pissed off about maybe a total of 20,000 fans who WOULD NOT ACTUALLY BUY THE PPV UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BUT ARE INTERESTED ENOUGH TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO WATCH A CRAPPY-LOOKING INTERNET STREAM FOR FREE is way more important that figuring out how to win back the 200,000 fans who WERE willing to pay you just last year.
   
  Oh, wait: did I say "more important"? I think I meant "easier." At least: from WWE's perspective. Makey gud TV iz teh HARD! Paying some assclown to go around shutting down streams is EASY!
   
  
• Alright, I think that's gonna have to do it for me today. I've managed to find myself in crippling agony for the first time in a long time for the past day, and let's just say wrapping oneself in one's Pain Cocoon is NOT the ideal way to inspire wondrous Wordsmithery. So I think I'll just stop trying. Especially since it is only with more time spent motionless and Not Doing Anything inside my Pain Cocoon that I might somehow be able to muster up the ability to enjoy this holiday weekend.
   
  I hope you enjoy it, no matter how it goes for me, so be happy and safe, everyone. And also: I promise that with continued donations will come continued Inspirado, so I (or perhaps even that dastard, ArsonMonkey) will continue to be regular features around here. Maybe in my next column, I'll even remember to mention TNA and what's going on there! Maybe!!!
   
  So keep and eye out and keep on coming back to OO, kids. See you again soon.