I think, at this point in my life, I'm ready to admit defeat and just give up entirely on the prospects of ever finding a worthy girl to settle down with.
 
But that's OK, OO Nation, don't weep for me; for I have found a cable network that I'd totally be willing to marry, instead. The MLB Network is hereby officially declared "awesome in every way." I could totally spend the rest of my life with it, and wake up a happy man every single day. SUCK ON THAT, FEMALE GENDER~! YOU HAD YOUR CHANCES AND YOU  CAME UP SHORT~!
 

• I haven't really gotten a chance to say my piece about Sunday's Extreme Rules PPV, outside of the quick-and-dirty results, so let's take this opportunity to quickly go back and cover that...
   
  I thought it was an exceptionally fun show, albeit one that is not duplicatable on anything resembling a regular basis. It was a "stunt booking" show, perhaps even more stunt-y than February's No Way Out... you can do those every now and again (2, maybe 3 times, per year), but that still leaves a dozen PPVs per year that need to be good and entertaining and compelling all on their own Episodically Sustainable merits.
   
  So yeah: let's take that Hogpen match out of the equation and just never speak of it again, and then sit back and enjoy the fact that nothing else on the show was even remotely bad. Umaga/Punk and Show/Cena had some slower moments, but at worst, those could be labeled "boring" and were far from awful. It's not a show that should necessarily give you hope that WWE has turned some magical corner when it comes to the overall, week-in and week-out quality of the product... but you're a Grumpy Gus if you couldn't sit back last Sunday and enjoy a one-night spazzy roller coaster ride of a show.
   
  Kofi retaining the US Title in the opener was a really solid and "dense" match, with my only complaint being that it was criminally short. Not just "theoretically" short (in the sense that Kofi/MVP/Regal/Hardy are all good and could have done more than 7 minutes), but DEMONSTRABLY short (in the sense that the pacing was so hectic that it was almost TOO much action crammed into a tiny period of time; they had 12 minutes worth of stuff there, and did it a disservice by shoehorning it into a smaller slot). So definitely it is the inverse of Show/Cena in that way, but still just fine for an opener.
   
  I'd say Jericho winning the IC Title from Rey "lived up to expectations." Which maybe doesn't sound so hot, except you have to realize that when these two hook up, my expectations are pretty damned high. They still have room to grow and do an epic blow-off down the road, but this was really good TV. Loved Jericho's entrance (through the crowd after mocking Mysterio masks at the Merchandise Stand) as another case of 100% Heel Genius to hook the crowd and instantly double the heat (like last month's random "You Can't (619) Me" ranting). And in the end, I loved how they played it as simultaneously a clean AND cheap win for Jericho: Rey was about to win, Jericho made a desperation grab at his mask, got it, and Rey freaked out and gave Jericho the opening to hit a move and score the pinfall. It's a nice "nobody loses" bit of booking, and that was only further enhanced by the fact that WWE's production of the finish had them AVOID showing Rey's face. So Jericho got what he wanted, but WWE didn't be dicks and rub it in: instead, they showed "respect" to the luchador, and leave open any number of follow-ups to the tale of Rey Unmasked (including Rey just putting the mask back on to piss off Jericho).
   
  Punk/Umaga was a creature of its stipulation: the strap match ain't an easy one to do in an exciting fashion, but you can usually ramp up to some good teases in the end so long as everybody is telling the story (including an overly emotive referee) and the crowd gets it. And that's precisely what happened here: about 10 minutes of "meh," and then two or three good teases that had the crowd counting along with the ref.
   
  Tommy Dreamer's ECW Title win over Christian and Jack Swagger was a bit of a surprise, but a happy one. There was never any drama over Dreamer actually leaving WWE entirely (his backstage duties have him entrenched, and it was just his contract as a performer that was expiring; he was still gonna be around in some capacity due to his other duties, with many expecting Dreamer would become the new ECW General Manager), but I thought for sure he'd just flame out in his "farewell match" as a tribute to his many other losing efforts in big matches throughout his career (I say that with LOVE!). Instead, Dreamer wins, and it comes at the end of a REALLY neat little match that was kind of a throwback to the "Hardcore Rules 24/7" Era of the WWF where the brawls were fun and creative and cringeworthy, but also devoid of really stupid bumps and gore. That's the perfect kind of place for an aging "Innovator of Violence" to shine: garbagey, but safe. And so, he did. Good for Tommy.
   
  The Hogpen match was awful, as mentioned above. Just a case of Vince taking out his shitty sense of humor and insecurities out on other people, because it's easiest of all to make yourself feel better by chopping other people down and humiliating them in front of an audience. Even worse than the 4 minute match: the EIGHT MINUTE AFTERMATH, where they lingered on Santina and the Guerreros so we could all "enjoy a good laugh" (if only anybody had been amused by it). I'm not kidding, the post-match lasted two whole times through Santina's theme song and thensome. Inexcusable.
   
  As bad as that was, Orton and Batista managed something I never would have expected in their match: they had a completely acceptable and satisfying cage match. It was super-short (due to Batista being injured), but that played into things PERFECTLY, as these two are not exactly technical wizards and additionally have yet to "click" together as opponents. Shorter is better. And here: shorter was also one-sided. Orton got almost zero offense, instead spending all his energy trying to make chickenshit escapes, before being repeatedly caught and plunderized by Batista. Fast-paced and intense, and when Batista scored the decisive pinfall, even I had to admit I'd just had fun.
   
  That was less the case during Show/Cena, where they recommitted the same crime from their match last month: they took a serviceable 12 minute match, and made it last for 20, instead. Those two just didn't have 20 minutes worth of material, and even the mostly-easy/non-mutinous/wanker-free live crowd could tell. Despite having no "Cena Sucks" chanters, the cute li'l marks still got deadly silent for large stretches in the middle, and Lawler had to bust out an fake "super intense whisper" to sell the idea that things were so dramatic that the crowd was forgetting to cheer. Not good. Also not helping: they screwed up the final spot where Cena was supposed to use a rope-assisted SSTF for the win, but Show's leg immediately fell out of the ropes. D'oh. I'm sure that one sounded great in theory, but you might have wanted to, I dunno, PRACTICE IT to make sure it worked in reality. Either that, or whisper in the ref's earpiece to tell Cena to lock it back in the right way again before Show will tap out.
   
  Nothing much more to say about the Ladder Match than "It ruled and was the Match of the Night." I mean, Jericho/Rey brought the goods and made Edge/Hardy work for it and EARN it, but it was still the match of the night, easily. It's unbelievable that after all this time, these two still busted out such a high percentage of new and innovative Holy Shit spots. They just kept on coming right up to the awesome finish where Jeff yanked Edge's feet down into the middle of the ladder base and "trapped" his head and arms between two rungs of the ladder as a result... then, with Edge motionless and forced to watch, Jeff just waltzed up the ladder and took the belt to become the new champ. Sweet. As I have at times in the past for exceptionally good matches, I'll endorse this as well worth your time as an Illegally Downloadable Chunklet: it's another one of that ilk that WILL appeal to you if you've ever liked good wrestling, even if you no longer have any interest in entire 3-hour WWE TV shows. Find it and enjoy.
   
  The CM Punk surprise appearance and title win was just the icing on the cake... a crazy shocker at the end of an already shocking night. They even through a convincing little tease in with Jeff hitting a small package (would Punk actually FAIL at cashing in the Money in the Bank? It seemed possible!), before doing the inevitable. It'll be especially interesting to see where they go from here, as Punk got about 20% boos for taking out Hardy... with Umaga fired (more on that later) and Edge popping up on RAW for an odd angle (which may or may not lead to more of the same), maybe SD! really does need another big heel? I dunno... but anybody who's seen Punk do his heel gimmick (where straight edge is no longer Setting a Good Example For The Kids, it becomes Punk acting like an annoying twat who thinks he's better than you) knows he's probably better at that than at being a face. It might not amount to anything, but it might be the start of a turn. If it is, WWE should do it up right, cuz "Better Than You" CM Punk vs. "Flaky Meth-Loving Fuck-Up" Jeff Hardy could click really nicely. We'll see.
   
  Good show, I thought. Edge/Hardy stands head and shoulders above everything else in terms of match quality and "re-watchability," while Rey/Jericho was really solid, too. The rest, however, scores its points mostly on stunt booking and the surprise factor, most of which has probably already worn off here 4 days after the show. So keep that in mind if you decide to go youtubing for Extreme Rules highlights.
   
  
• As alluded to above, Batista was suffering from a lingering biceps injury heading into the PPV (it'd been with him for about 3 weeks), which contributed to the shortness of his cage match and is also the reason behind the major "arm breaking" angle on RAW.
   
  The fact that they changed the title onto an injured guy is simply a case of WWE having made that decision before knowing the extent of Batista's injury (due to the need to do SOMEthing with ratings sucking during Orton's title reign), and deciding to stick with it and book themselves out of a new (and hopefully exciting) corner, rather than painting themselves back into the same old (and demostrably sucky) corner by leaving the title on Orton. Addtionally: everybody is saying Vince is acting even less sane and well-balanced than usual, so it's presently safest to be quiet and not suggest changing any booking plans that he's actually OK'ed. Nobody wanted to rock the boat and get themselves Kennedy'd.
   
  Also: prior to Batista's surgery (which did happen on Tueday), some of the imaging was unclear, and there was a chance Batista would need only minor surgical help and could miss as few as 4-6 weeks of action (in which case, they could've written things in a way that kept Batista as champ until the Night of Champions PPV, when he'd return to action).
   
  That's not the case, however: after the surgery, the damage to Batista's torn biceps was found to be reasonably severe, and WWE.com reports Batista will miss 4 months. WWE.com has fudged these things in the past, to allow for a genuinely surprising "ahead of schedule" comeback (like Cena at the Rumble last year), but unless they're fudging by 300% or more, the short term prospects are the same no matter what: Batista needs to be relieved of the WWE Title.
   
  This will be addressed at Monday night's special 3-hour RAW, where WWE is promising all three title belts will be defended. In the case of RAW's WWE Title, they haven't stripped Batista of the belt officially, yet, but are probably gonna, seeing as how early plans are for a HHH/Orton/Cena/Big Show four way match to determine a new champ. It'll make all the internet wankers cry, but you pretty much HAVE to expect that this leads to either HHH or Cena winning; between them, they may have been champion for about 2100 days (300 weeks) over the past ten years, much to the chagrin of Web Scholars who HHHate the fact that HHH gets so much power because his #1 fan is Stephanie McMahon who happens to enjoy both being WWE's head writer and having HHH's manly schlonsson slipped to her, and who also despise the fact that Cena's #1 fans are all children and teenage girls.
   
  Well: deal with it, folks. Orton is an abject and objective failure. That's by the numbers, and has nothing to do with my personal beliefs about his skill level or value as a human being (though I admit: I also believe both of those two things to be quite low). Orton gets pushed, and ratings go down: it's happened every time since 2004, as RAW's three lowest-rated months since December 1997 have been September 2004, October 2007, and May 2009 (all three months kicking off Orton title reigns). Orton should not be an option on Monday.
   
  Big Show would be an interesting curve ball, as he's certainly convincing enough, and there's always something to be said for a short term "babyface chases the belt storyline" against a freak of nature. Given RAW's low ratings, it'd be a risk to try, however, when Cena and HHH are both more bankable; all I can say is that if WWE was willing to take that same risk on loads like Khali and Mark Henry at various times the past two years, they shouldn't completely dismiss the idea of installing the reasonably-able Big Show on top and having HHH and Cena compete to dethrone him (which, for maximum crowd-pleasing impact, shouldn't come any later than July's Night of Champions). We'll see.
   
  That'll all be sorted out on Monday. Maybe Batista will be there to surrender the belt, maybe not. Either way, it looks like WWE is conditioning us to not expect the dude back in the ring unil Survivor Series at the earliest. Just to be a dick: I wonder if anybody kept the phone number of "Injury Prone" Ken Kennedy in their rolodex last week... RAW sure could use a fresh babyface, don't you think, what with "Not At All Injury Prone" Batista going on hiatus six whole weeks after returning from his last boo-boo?
   
  
• While Batista is going bye-bye due to injury, Kennedy does have another compatriot in the ranks of the "getting fired." WWE announced Umaga's release on Monday. This was a pretty sudden move, and came after WWE had conducted an extensive round of drug testing at the previous week's TV tapings.
   
  WWE didn't originally announce it as such, but Umaga's firing IS related to those test results. Umaga tested positive, and it was his "second strike." This requires Umaga to be suspended for 60 days and to attend rehab meetings. When Umaga refused to go to rehab, WWE fired him. The reason they gave for "covering up" the drug-test-failure is because they did NOT suspend Umaga in keeping with the policy, but fired him for another reason (his refusal to attend rehab, although tomy way of thinking, that's STILL a violation of the wellness policy, just a violating of a different clause, and thus should still be treated the exact same way and not "covered up").
   
  Plans had been in place for Umaga to be CM Punk's first World Title challenger to help boost Punk up and solidify him as a babyface champ, morphing into Umaga getting to feud with the Undertaker this autumn (a feud that has long since been planned -- and desired by Taker -- but has not yet happened due to various injuries). Now: that's out the window, and WWE's at least leaving open the possibility of Punk's title win over Jeff Hardy leading to a heel turn. They played it straight in material taped for this week's SmackDown, but in a post-tapings bonus dark match, they got cutesy and did some teases betwen Punk and Hardyt o see if the fans would bite. They did. So who knows?
   
  For his part, Umaga has basically confirmed his part in this, but is also not accepting any indie bookings or anything just yet as he tries to figure out how to proceed or if he can still have a future in WWE down the line (note: obviously, he can, but it is all up to him).
   
  Many have already started speculating about Umaga in TNA, where some kind of program with Samoa Joe would be a natural (either as foes or as partners). Problems: (1) WWE owns "Umaga" and associated gimmicks/nicknames so he'd have to start over on that front and it's not like "Jamal" was a super-hugely popular star during HIS WWE run, and (2) a case could be made that Joe has regressed so much in the past year that Umaga would come in and upstage him (no matter his new hame) in the eyes of casual fans, which could get messy. I mean, on one hand, the mishandling of Joe is entirely TNA's fault, but it would ALSO be TNA's fault if they went and brought in Umaga and didn't get the most out of him by pushing him as far as they could (even if that means going over the "homegrown" Joe, who TNA themselves have partially ruined). Oh, the ironing.
   
  
• That last huge round of WWE drug tests will claim other victims by the time all is said and done. Reports are going around that the writing staff received upwards of a dozen names this week who they should de-push or begin writing off TV, and that announcements will be made to fans as soon as creative decides how to handle all of this (remember: the "Orton Clause" now permits "suspended" wrestlers to stay on TV to continue storylines, at a minimum payment, so they may not want to release the full slate of names until they decide if they're going to "Orton Clause" anyone).
   
  Yes, I could speculate (just like you all have been) on who some of these names may be... I know Edge has just been pulled from house shows, for instance, and that Rey Mysterio flew home right after the PPV and didn't attend TV tapings this week... but why bother with that when WWE's stated policy is that they'll just be honest with us if we give them time to sort it out?
   
  This way, we're not rumor-mongering dipshits, and if WWE DOESN'T give us the info soon enough, THEY are the dipshits for lying and violating their own policy.
   
  So let's just chill and let this play out. Which it should, soon. I have didn't want to write this column today, since WWE has a way of releasing this kind of dirty news on Friday evenings (to circumvent the "news cycle," and then by the time people are paying attention again on Monday, their drug-riddled roster is 3-day-oldnews), but what the hell.... I can do this up on Thursday evening, get the gOOdness out to you, and if there be information worth passing along, I can do so in a OMG~! NEWSFLASH OMG~! over the weekend.
   
  I will say this much now, though: my guess is that none of the names are guys who already have 2 strikes against them, otherwise there would be nothing to "sort out" for WWE. It'd just be a straight up firing, which could/should have been announced immediately. Only 0- and 1-strike guys have to have their situations assessed and figured out before WWE proceeds.
   
  For the record, I believe WWE only "recognizes" three different 2-strike offenders from the current roster: Jeff Hardy, William Regal, and Chavo Guerrero.
   
  Randy Orton should, by any reasonable reading of WWE's policy, have 2 strikes as well, but WWE snuck their way around that with some double-speak and the fact that one of Orton's strikes was revealed by the media and not by a drug test (and also happened while he was already suspended for an actual failed test, which WWE claimed meant they'd be suspending a guy who was already suspended, which wasn't fair, even though the suspension WOULD HAVE BEEN FOR TWO DIFFERENT COMPLETELY VALID OFFENSES). I kid about Orton having "four strikes," but in actuality, one of his other suspensions was due to marijuana/lying-about-marijuana-when-asked (which is treated differently by the Wellness Policy and wouldn't even have been a suspension if he hand't lied and handled the situation like an immature moron) and the other was due to him being a douchebag who wrecked a hotel room while on a lite-beer-fueled bender ("being a stupid worthless choade" is not recognized as a disease or misdeed or other wellness issue, sadly, though it can get you sent home to deal with your "anger management," I guess).
   
  Anybody else currently on the main RAW/ECW/SD rosters is either clean or has only one strike against them, and unless WWE's just being dirty liars, the list of "a dozen" names we're hearing about should come from that pool of performers.
   
  I'll keep you up to date as WWE keeps all of us up to date on this.
   
  
• For now, the only other person we know for sure is gone from WWE this week is.... Vickie Guerrero. But she's gone of her own choosing.
   
  Her "quitting" on RAW was to cover her very real departure from the company, which is something she decided upon a month ago. Not coincidently, it was about a month ago that WWE went into Warp Factor 7 Mockery of Vickie on TV. Ahem.
   
  In Vickie's case, I hope that's not the ONLY reason she's leaving, and that there is an honest need/desire to spend more time with family and all that other good stuff. Of anybody I can think of, she's someone who -- due to the whole Eddie thing and her being a good soldier and all that stuff -- ought to be able to have a job with WWE so long as she wants it. And if she doesn't want it, it should be for valid reasons, and not because she can't stand all of Vince's fat jokes and other insecure nonsense like Hogpen matches.
   
  That said, it's hard to muster up a ton of indignation or sadness that she'll be gone. Vickie turned into a hell of a heel in her time on TV, but not always the kind who turns that heel heat into box office appeal. I think we used to call that negative kneejerk reaction "X-Pac Heat," though it may be time to update that phraseology. And plus, at a really tumultuous time on RAW that features an Injured Champion, this gives us an excuse to ponder and speculate about RAW's new General Manager. That's a plus for WWE in terms of Intrigue Building.
   
  Monday's big 3-hour RAW is in Charlotte, NC, folks... I think you can read between the lines, there. You can't? What are you? Stupid? Clearly, I'm saying that Jerry Lynn will come in as the new RAW GM and introduce his Special Ambassador, Ric Flair.... or something like that....
   
  Honestly, though: Flair-as-GM could make sense so long as Orton is involved in the chase for the vacant title. It'd also ensure him a weekly spot on TV, which may or may not be a good thing. On one hand: that means a weekly pay-off. On the other: there's still this rumored World Tour of Europe, Africa, and Asia that Flair's likely to do, which might mean he's not around for EVERY Monday the next couple of months. Also: if Flair came back on Monday as GM, that'd only be two weeks of selling Orton's li'l Bootie Kick... and granted, it was the daintiest Bootie Kick ever, but it's not like WWE wants you to notice that, or admit that it's mostly a pretty shitty "devastating" move in the history of pretend-devastating moves.
   
  Well, unless the "big reveal" is that it was a daintier-than-usual Bootie Kick because Orton and Flair were faking us out and are really in cahoots and they've already sucked Batista into the web of Grievous Injury and now HHH is next, or something along those lines. But thinking along those lines makes me sad, so I'll stop now.
   
  Stephanie McMahon would be another easy call-up for the GM spot, as she handled it well for a bit last year. I still think Steph's way better as a heel, but I can think of worse things than her ruling with a McMahonly Iron First while rocking the Professional Lady In Pant Suits and Glasses Who You Know Is Actually A Magnificently Horny Babe Underneath look. You know: the look everybody kind of politely pretended Sarah Palin had, but not because anybody found her even remotely attractive, but only because we all knew Tina Fey DOING Sarah Palin would be quite hot. Also: they need to shit or get off the pot with any storyline tied to Steph and HHH being married, and this would certainly put them into position to do it sooner rather than later.
   
  Beyond that, you could come up with a million crapshoot guesses, and they'd all be about equally as plausible. So who the hell knows? [The best random idea I've heard: Randy Savage should come back as the short term RAW GM to pimp his new DVD and just be absolutely batshit insane during his reign of terror. He'd make roughly as much sense as Mike Adamle did, except he'd be doing it on purpose, instead of out of incompetence. It'll never happen, but admit it: you'd love it.]
   
  
• More on Flair: he a new round of interviews, he confirmed that little tidbit I talked about in my column last week... he was not forced to do anything by WWE, and he ditched out on Ring of Honor of his own accord, not wanting to be in the awkward position of "having to serve two masters."
   
  In fact, he now says he doesn't even have a valid WWE contract, and is just working those dates on a per-appearance-fee basis for now, though he expects to hammer out the new contract very soon (and in one interview hinted that this probably has to do with when he can commit to certain dates/schedules after he decides what is happening with that aforementioned Worldwide Farewell Tour).
   
  I'm sure somebody at WWE was talking to Ric and letting him know "hey, we'd prefer if you weren't on TV working for the opposition," but I'm kinda glad to see Flair fess up to the reality of the situation. So many wankers were vilifying WWE for "un-booking" Flair from ROH; this ought to shut 'em up. If WWE had a contract with Flair, they'd have BEEN WITHIN THEIR RIGHTS to do that. Since they didn't, Flair assessed the situation and decided ROH wasn't the right fit for him even if he didn't have a locked in WWE contract, and admitted it. Good deal.
   
  
• Heading into the home stretch of quit-hitting bullet points, we'll talk ratings. By which I mean RAW's ratings, since none of the other ones vary enough to be statistically significant or worth talking about....
   
  To wit: this Monday's post-Extreme Rules RAW did a 3.6 ratings, and was RAW's best number since the pre-Backlash episode of the show. Or in other words, the new "Batista Era" of RAW did a 3.6 after the entirety of the third "Orton Era" averaged a 3.3.
   
  Actually, Batista or not, I'm quite sure the zaniness of the Extreme Rules title changes helped boost RAW's rating back up closer to its year-to-date average... a 3.6 is still nothing to write home about, but it's a step in the right direction.
   
  It's a direction that should probably continue for at least one week, as Monday's RAW is a three-hour "stunt booking extravaganza" that should again draw higher-than-recent-levels of interest. If it doesn't, even I would be stunned, and normally, WWE's abysmal failures leave me thoroughly nonplussed.
   
  
• WWE has announced the buy rate data for WrestleMania 25, and while it's bad, it's still not quite as bad as initial projections suggested.
   
  WM25 did about 950,000 buys, down substantially from the past 3 years (which all drew well over 1 million buys), but not quite the drop down into the high-800,000s that was feared. To thank: overseas purchases of the show were stronger than expected (and are the slowest numbers to be calculated) which offset the poorer domestic numbers.
   
  Backlash buys were also announced: it was viewed by 180,000 homes worldwide, which is a big drop from the previous year, and continues the trend of WWE's 10 "off-month" PPVs tending to draw fewer than 200,000 buys. In years past, almost every show could be counted on to do at or better than 300,000 buys, but now WWE's one biggest cash cow is down over one-third from those heady days.
   
  Not to harp on one of my peeves, but: WWE continues to find ways to spin these numbers (and ratings numbers, and everything else) as "perfectly fine" by comparing them to this and that and the other. But at some point, I wish they'd just fess up and COMPARE THEMSELVES TO THEIR OWN PAST. If they did, they'd realize that it *IS* possible to acheive certain levels of success WAY above what they are doing now, and it probably doesn't have nearly as much to do with market fragmentation or anything else as it does with them PUTTING OUT A LESSER PRODUCT.
   
  Instead of looking at numbers and saying "we're bigger than boxing right now in 2009," and then going back into your dark closet to whimper and mmutter "It's OK, It's OK, It's OK, everything is fine," over and over again, why not look at numbers and say "Goddamit, I want those fans back who used to love and watch our show, and I'm going to bust my ass to accomplish this goal"? I'd kill for that mindset. Instead of getting whatever mindset it is that's allowing WWE to rationalize mediocrity into excellence.
   
  
• Jeff Hardy suffered a broken finger and some other minor dings at the Extreme Rules PPV, but unlike his brother will not be using that as an excuse to channel Bob Orton and wear a full cast up to the elbow.
   
  Instead, he's working through it (including at this week's TV tapings), and shouldn't miss any dates.
   
  Also: Jeff has chimed in on the issue of his WWE contract status (a month or so after his brother did so on his behalf), and basically confirms what we talked about last week... he's really liking where he's at and is leaning towards extending his contract, but he also wants to do it with the understanding that he gets time off worked into his schedule so that he can stay helathy and KEEP ON loving where he's at.
   
  
• In the latest step to trim costs, WWE went on a minor slash-and-burn job down in Florida the past two weeks, getting rid of over a half-dozen developmental workers.
   
  At least one of those had something to do with Wellness Issues (although not necessarily a third strike), but for the most part, this is the out-growth of the sentiment that the WWE Developmental Program is not working as well as they want, and had too much unpromising chaff mixing in with the high-ceiling wheat. Or in other words: WWE wants to keep playing this "Scratch Off Lotto Ticket" game with their talent development, hanging onto anybody who fits a body type (assuming that chinlocks are all that are necessary and that they can use their writers to turn ANYbody into a superstar) and not much caring to invest in you if they decide you don't have the physical appearance of a WrestleMania headliner.
   
  It's a stupid philosophy, since (though I agree headliners sell the PPVs and the merchandise) you can't have an overall successful show without "sticky" midcarders who turn your programs from shows you flip past till you see something you like into shows you watch loyally and intently. But what do i know? I'm just a fan who wants to be entertained. Vince is the only one who knows what I really like and will package it up for me.
   
  Also: I don't mean to get all worked up, since it's also not like anybody from this round of developmental cuts is anybody who I liked enough to go to bat for. But I do think that if you're serious about trimming the fat, there are even more cuts to make, including more than a few go-nowhere cookie-cutter muscley types. And of course: including Johnny Ace.
   
  
• Speaking of go-nowhere cookie-cutter muscley-types: it's confirmed! CHRIS MASTERS IS BACK!
   
  Aren't you all so happy? Can you contain your glee that this giant sack of nothing-interesting is returning?
   
  Masters' return to TV will apparently come much sooner rather than later, as I've heard tell WWE already has an idea for him. Really? It took you 3 years to figure out "New Hart Foundation," but it takes less than 3 weeks to get a creative direction for fucking Chris Masters? How is that even possible. I might need to stop refering to Steph's staff as "monkeys" and come up with something further down the evolutionary scale. Jesus.
   
  I mean: I guess if it's something like Masters coming in and being Brian Kendrick's "perfect partner," then I'd be OK. I did, afterall, advocate for keeping Ezekiel around as Kendrick's goon/partner... and while Masters has maybe 7% of Zeke's look/charisma, he's not at all worse than Zeke in terms of ring skills, so if I'm to maintain my consistency, I guess "hiding" Masters in the tag ranks as Kendrick's lackey would be OK. But anything much more than that, and seriously: there are severe problems at WWE HQ for letting this guy back in while they still have two dozen developmental wrestlers EXACTLY as talented and memorable as him ALREADY ON THE ROSTER and ALREADY READY TO FAIL TO EXACTLY THE SAME DEGREE AS HE ALREADY DID ONCE.
   
  As alluded to last week, Orton went to bat and got Masters the invite to the LA TV tapings. Masters sat down with Vince and apparently did a fine job of sucking up. Vince pitched the idea to his lieutenants. Creative came up with an idea on the spot (or possibly ran with an idea pitched by Masters himself, I'm unclear on that). Vince OK'ed the rehiring. Yippee.
   
  Just as if that's not a soul-crushing enough downer with which to end today's column: Candice Michelle was also at the LA tapings, touching base with WWE. She's apparently 6 weeks or so away from returning from her latest injury, and while she has no particular desire to keep on with WWE after her contract expires in October, WWE is apparently still interested in using her on TV to annoy the piss out of me.
   
  Hey, WWE: if you want to use somebody with no demonstrable ability to wrestle just because she's a Go Daddy girl, why not do me a solid and go hire Vanessa Rousso? She's pretty AND she's actually interesting to watch on TV, what with the graduate degree from Duke and the dominating all the boys at poker by pretending to be a goofy ditz and whatnot. Bring her in (she could be a modern-day Alexandra York, an evil manager constantly calculating the odds and devloping the perfect in-ring strategies for her wrestlers), and leave Titties McSuperBowl and Speedy McWhattaBitch to make the not-that-sexy TV commercials for 13-year-old boys to enjoy. I don't believe 13-year-old boys are into magna-cum-laude Game and Probability Theorists, anyway, so I don't think Go fricking Daddy would even fight you on this one.
   
  So do as I wish: hire that chick, instead, WWE. You'd be onto something, then. Something GOOD, I mean. Which I guess isn't what you're into if CFM and Candice are coming back soon. Oh, the pain.
   
  Oh wait: that's right... Vince can't afford her. She already makes $80,000 just by sitting down at a table. Vince only likes the girls who beg him for the loan they need to get the fake bOObies he loves so much. Goddammit.
   
  
• That's it for today, kids. Enjoy your weekends, and keep your filthy hands off of the MLB Network. I saw her first! She's mine, butthead! 
   
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