by Adam Gutschmidt
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “the Body” Ventura

Emanating from The Summit in Houston, Texas

2 out of 3 Falls: The Hart Foundation & “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan vs. The Rougeau Brothers & Dino Bravo.

Fall #1

Gorilla mentions that these are “Intercontinental” rules which I have no idea what that means.  Dino and the Anvil start out.  A power struggle to begin goes nowhere.  Both men tag out.  Duggan and Ray Rougeau in now.  Duggan gets a powerslam and high knee.  He tags Bret.  Bret gets 3 different pin attempts in, each for a 2 count.  Bret wants pin #1!  Ray tags in Jacques.  Bret whips Jacques but he flips right over Bret on his way back.  Jacques, proud with his move, showboats.  This pompous act earns him a big clothesline.  Everyone is in now and we got a MELEE!  As the ref tries to get everything back to order, the heels are able to gain an advantage by sending Bret to the floor.  When Bret comes back in, the heels are able to get some quick tags.  The Rougeaus and Dino hit their finishers and get the 1-2-3.

Fall #2

Bret has to stay in and continues to get pummeled.  Elbow by Jacques gets 2.  Bret gets whipped HARD into the corner.  Another 2 count for Jacques.  Heels continue to make quick tags as they use a Ginsu to cut the ring in half.  Bearhug by Bravo.  Crowd begins a USA chant to rally Bret.  They say everything is bigger in Texas.  I guess that includes the number of high school dropouts.  Bret escapes briefly, only to be put into a camel clutch by Jacques.  Things continue to move slowly as Bret escapes once more, only to be put into another submission hold.  Bret manages to finally tag the Anvil but the referee doesn’t see it, so Anvil gets sent back.  Heels continue to wear down Bret.  Bret turns the tide with a reverse atomic drop on Jacques.  Hot tag to Hacksaw.  Duggan cleans house.  He slingshots the Anvil in.  Then, he slingshots Bret in.  An elbow by Duggan gets the pinfall.  We’re all tied up at one.

Fall #3

Surprise, surprise, we need that third pinfall.  Hacksaw and Ray start it off.  A 10-punch count by Hacksaw only gets to 5, as Duggan can’t count any higher.  Duggan foolishly allows Ray to get to his corner and he tags Bravo.  The heels work over Hacksaw using many double team tactics.  Jacques in now and he hits a Bob Holly-like dropkick.  An atomic drop on Duggan accidentally sends him into his corner.  He tags Bret.  Bret becomes a ball of fire in there.  As the ref loses control, Duggan sneaks in and whacks Bravo with the 2 x 4.  Bret gets the pinfall win.

Bottom Line:  I grow so weary of Duggan matches being decided on whether or not the ref sees him hit his opponents with the 2 x 4.  An alright match that got slow in the middle.  ** ½

- Vignette of superstars drawing numbers for the Rumble: Dibiase is displeased, so he asks his Jive Soul Bro for help.  Honky’s upset.  Bushwackers nearly destroy the hopper.  Bad News means business.  Jake draws Damian’s number or is that the other way around?  Rockers keep their homosexuality to a minimum.

Women’s Title Match: Rockin’ Robin (champ) vs. Judy Martin

Yee Haw!  This should be a barnburner.  Sherri interrupts things by throwing down a challenge to the winner.  She then joins Gorilla and The Body for commentary.  Pearl Harbor attack by Judy Martin gives her the early advantage.  Robin fights back with a flurry of “dropkicks”.  Robin charges Judy in the corner.  Judy takes the blow yet Robin acts as if Judy hit her.  It’s either a blown spot or Judy has metal spikes for nipples.  Judy starts with the hair pulling.  Well that didn’t take long.  Robin gets a Boston Crab on Judy but her thunder thighs power her out.  The ladies continue to botch spots as I restrain myself from grabbing the remote.  Ugly DDT by Robin gets a 2 count.  Both of them try for pinfalls but can only get 2 counts.  Judy whips Robin into the corner and she climbs up the turnbuckles.  Robin fakes a high cross body and then actually delivers one to get the 3 count.  Mercifully it’s over. 

BL:  It would take 10 years for a women’s title match to get this bad again.  Sadly, this one doesn’t have the excuse of having one of its participants be over the age of 70.  Although sometimes it’s hard to tell with Judy Martin. Let’s move on, shall we? ½ *

- The Twin Towers dance and pose while Slick denies tomfoolery with Dibiase.  EGGSAKATELY!

Super Posedown: The Ultimate Warrior vs. Ravishing Rick Rude

                Lame hype segment to prepare for Warrior vs. Rude at Wrestlemania 5.  Jesse is aghast that the fans choose the Warrior over Rude.  Beatdown by Rude comes about 5 minutes past when it should have occurred.  Afterwards, the Raving Lunatic destroys the Usual Bunch of Idiots and chases after Rude.

- Royal Rumble Interview Jamboree: Fuji cackles, Elizabeth frets, Jimmy Hart boasts!  More at 11

- Jesse ponders about being king, which leads us into…

Battle for kingship: King Haku vs. Harley Race

Backstory note: Bobby Heenan used to manage Harley Race.  He double-crossed him and now manages Haku.  Brain is sitting the fence this match and will manage the winner.  As Haku comes down on his throne, Race dumps him to the floor.  In the ring, Race gets in some token offense and sends him to the floor again.  Race follows him out but gets attack by Haku.  I chuckle over the Brain’s cheerleading during this match.  Back in, Race gets some headbutts on Haku but they have no effect.  He’s Tonga Tough!  Race also tries a piledriver.  That also has no effect.  I think it’s time for a new plan of attack Harley.  More brawling on the floor as the crowd couldn’t care less at this point.  Back in, Harley delivers some more slow offense.  Haku fights back and decides to go up top.  He misses a splash.  Race decides it would be a good idea if he tried a high-risk maneuver.  Not surprisingly, he misses also.  Race whips Haku to the ropes, misses a clothesline and eats as SWEET thrust kick by Haku.  Good night Harley. 

BL: Harley was going through the motions in a slow match that did nothing for no one.  Heenan’s fence riding was mildly amusing.  ¾ *

- Royal Rumble Interview Jamboree Part 2: Brutus Beefcake, Greg Valentine, Powers of Pain, Big John Studd, Mr. Perfect, and Macho Man give their spiels in front of the green screen.

- 5 minute intermission

- Royal Rumble Interview Jamboree Part 3: Million Dollar Man, Heenan Family and Fake n’ Bake are all ready to rumble!

Royal Rumble Match

Historical moment right from the get-go as Ax is #1 and Smash is #2.  It’s a good thing they never split and feuded because their action here is not worth noting.  Thankfully Andre is #3 and the Demos turn their attention to him.  Jesse says Andre is up by 1 or 2 on him on Battle Royal wins.  Ha!  More punching and kicking as Mr. Perfect strolls in at #4.  Perfect slugs everyone as Andre casually tosses Smash out.  Ax sends Perfect CRASHING into the corner.  “Rugged” Ronnie Garvin is #5.  Andre gets triple teamed but fights back.  Perfect oversells like only he can to Andre’s offense.  Greg Valentine is #6.  Andre continues to be the focus of attack.  This angers the Giant as he sends Garvin to the floor.  Jake Roberts is #7 to wake up the crowd.  Jake who actually has a beef with Andre can’t attack him as Andre beats him to the punch.  Jake is getting squashed in there!  Cueball Ron Bass is #8 as Andre tosses out Jake.   Off to the bars for Roberts.  Valentine and Perfect take over on Andre while Ax and Bass square off.  Shriek!  It’s Shawn Michaels at #9.  Perfect perfectly launches Ax out.  Perfect and Michaels face off and now I’m interested.  Butch is #10.  Man what a POP for Butch!  Oh wait, never mind, it’s for Jake who is back out with Damian.  Jake chases Andre over the top rope and out.  Honky is #11.  Everyone is squared off: Butch and Bass, Perfect and Honky, Michaels and Hammer.  Fans squeal over the prospects of Honky getting pitched.  Tito is #12.  He goes straight for Perfect.  Butch bites Honky; nothing new there.  Bad News is #13.  Ring is getting crowded now.  Honky finally gets tossed by Tito and Butch.  Marty Jannetty is #14.  Rockers join forces to eliminate Ron Bass with a double dropkick.  Jannetty bashes Perfect’s head in the top, middle, and bottom turnbuckles.  Talk about driving home a point.  Macho Man is #15 and immediately goes after Bad News.  Arn Anderson is #16.  Savage eliminates The Hammer.  Double A and Macho team up (talk about strange bedfellows) and eliminate Shawn Michaels.  Anderson goes up top but gets crotched.  Have no fear Arn because Tully is #17 to help you out.  The Brainbusters soon work over Jannetty.  Jannetty, on the brink of elimination, eventually gets shoved out by Blanchard.  Hogan is #18 and I think we’re going to see some spring-cleaning.  Bye Perfect!  Bye Tito!  Hogan gets into trouble and Macho doesn’t help.  Hmmm… Luke is #19.  As he hits the ring, Bad News and The Hulkster eliminate Butch.  Koko B. Ware is #20.  Anderson goes up top again and gets caught again.  Think Arn!  Koko gets dumped by Hogan.  He’s got the record tonight for shortest appearance.  Luke gets tossed by Hogan now too.  We’re down to the Busters on Hogan and Bad News fighting Macho Man.  Here comes Warlord at #21.  Hogan has now eliminated Tully and Arn.  Warlord steps in and goes right back out via a Hogan clothesline.  Spoke too soon about Koko, congrats Warlord.  Now Hogan runs over and dumps Bad News AND Macho Man.  “Uh oh, Savage is hot” so says Ventura.  And I would be too.  Elizabeth comes out to play peacekeeper.  She gets Savage to agree to shake hands and Hulk is reluctant.  What should he be reluctant for?  Hulk then shakes and hugs.  AWW!  Before the lovefest can continue the buzzer sounds and here comes the Bossman at #22.  Man, Bossman was huge back then.  It’s all Hogan to start off with.  Avalanche slows Hogan down.  #23 Akeem waddles down to even the sides against Hogan.  Yes, I said even the sides.  Towers eventually get the upper hand and eliminate Hulk.  Whaaaa?  Brutus Beefcake is #24.  As the Towers double team Beefcake, Hogan pulls the top rope down to eliminate the Bossman.  Our Hero!  Hulk and Bossman fight to the locker room.  Meanwhile, Akeem works over Beefcake in the corner.  You’ll notice Brutus look to the cameraman to see if he’s filming and then shout in pain as if he was a nervous young girl filming her first porn video.  The Red Rooster is #25 and struts and pecks his way down to ringside.  Akeem gets double-teamed by the Barber and Taylor.  The Barbarian is #26.  Crowd is beginning to realize there isn’t much left in the way of star power.  Big John Studd is #27.  Studd shoves the Rooster down so he can have Akeem all to himself.  Hercules is #28.  Nothing of note happening.  Rick Martel is #29 and Jesse wonders how he got such a high number.  I have my suspicions as well.  Million Dollar Man is #30.  Man, I don’t know why Ted was so upset at the drawing.  I’d be thrilled with #30.  But hey, that’s me.  Virgil stays at ringside.  Just to spectate I assume.  Dibiase makes an immediate impact by tossing the Rooster out.  Sleeper by Brutus on Hercules is costly as Dibiase and The Barbarian dump them both.  Barbarian charges but misses and Martel eliminates him.  Down to the Final Four, consisting of Dibiase, Martel, Studd, and Akeem.  Eh, could be worse.  Martel doesn’t learn from the Barbarian though as a charge gets him tossed by Akeem.  Dibiase then begins directing traffic, ordering an Akeem attack on Studd.  Studd says no more and uses Dibiase as a shield.  He then dumps Akeem leaving Dibiase all alone.  Studd toys with him for a few minutes before eventually vanquishing him.  Virgil then tries his luck and gets tossed too.  Crowd politely cheers.

BL:  Fairly entertaining Rumble.  They did a nice job of continuing the slow boil that led to the MegaPowers exploding.  Booking Studd as the winner came as a shock.  Obviously, this was before they used the Rumble as a method for determining the #1 contender.  *** ½

Final thought: Well there wasn’t much in the way of decent, memorable matches.  The Rumble was all right until Hogan and Savage were eliminated.  As for the undercard, the women’s match, the Haku/Race match, and the posedown can be avoided and the 6-man was ok, but those 6 have had better matches. Well, maybe not Duggan.  I recommend seeing it only because it was the first PPV Rumble.

Next time, Strike Force explodes!  Yeah, I know the MegaPowers do too, but they always get the attention.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.
  

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Erin Anderson is an Atlanta native and a student at Georgia State University. Since writing about wrestling didn't go over too well with her English professors, she vents here at Online Onslaught.

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