by Adam Gutschmidt
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

- Emanating for the second year in a row from the Trump Plaza in Atlantic City, NJ

- Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “the Body” Ventura

- Rockin’ Robin does a less than stirring rendition of America the Beautiful.  This time Jesse’s line about “keeping your day job” is very appropriate.

Opening Match: King Haku vs. Hercules

Howard Finkel has Wrestlemania jitters and accidentally calls King Haku, King Tonga.  Haku attacks Hercules from behind as Hercules was putting down his chain.  Hercules comes back though and clotheslines Haku to the floor.  Hercules sees Bobby Heenan try and get on the apron, so he chases after him.  Haku takes that opportunity to attack Hercules on the floor.  A backbreaker by Haku gets him a nearfall.  Haku whips Hercules, but he comes back with a crossbody for 2.  Hercules goes up top but gets caught with a kick to the face as he comes down.  Haku then goes up but he misses a splash.  Hercules hits a back suplex and Earl Hebner begins counting both men, but Hercules gets his shoulder up before 3 to get the victory.

Bottom Line: An odd choice for an opener as there was no long-standing feud between the two and neither are really over.  Still, the action was decent and the “who got their shoulder up” mystery finish was fun.  * ½

- The Rockers tell Mean Gene they are confident they can beat the Twin Towers despite their size.  Oh those crazy kids and their wild dreams.

The Rockers vs. The Twin Towers

The Towers try a sneak attack, but the Rockers play a game of catch me if you can.  The Bossman whips Shawn to the ropes and he comes back, leapfrogs the Bossman and nails a daydreaming Akeem.  The Rockers do some fast tags and work over Akeem’s arm.  Akeem hits a blind tag and the Towers sandwich Janetty.  Now the Towers are making quick tags, while Janetty becomes your pretty boy-in-distress.  Ventura begins ripping on referee Joey Marella and they’re so much funnier now ever since I learned that Marella is Gorilla’s son.  Heel miscommunication causes the Towers to collide and Janetty to make the hot tag.  The Rockers double-team Akeem, but when Janetty is sent to the outside, Akeem hits Shawn with a vicious clothesline.  The Bossman goes up top for a splash but misses.  The miss gives Shawn a nearfall.  The Rockers double-team some more, much to Ventura’s ire.  Soon Akeem joins the fray and tosses Janetty to the floor.  Shawn comes off the top rope but the Bossman catches him and plants him with a spinebuster.  Akeem puts the icing on the cake with Air Africa and gets the victory.

BL: A win-win situation here.  The Towers were made to look like monsters thanks to the Rockers’ bumping and the Rockers got over huge with their double-team and high risk maneuvers.  Too short to be great but very solid.  Good Wrestlemania debut for the Rockers.  ** ¾

- The Million Dollar Man tells Schiavone that he looks forward to defeating Brutus Beefcake in front of all the millionaires, like Donald Trump, that will be in attendance today.  DiBiase is really naïve if he thinks those guys will actually be ringside during a Beefcake match.

Brutus “the Barber” Beefcake vs. The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase

After DiBiase jaws about how rich he is, Beefcake gives him a cheap shot and goes on the attack.  It’s all Beefcake to start as he knocks DiBiase to the floor twice in the opening minutes.  A slugfest breaks out which Beefcake dominates until Virgil grabs his leg and trips him.  DiBiase methodically picks apart Beefcake with some of his trademark fist drops.  Beefcake catches DiBiase with his head down and small packages him for 2.  Both men go down as they clothesline each other.  DiBiase gets the Million Dollar Dream on, but Beefcake makes it to the ropes.  After ramming DiBiase’s head into the turnbuckle numerous times, Beefcake locks the sleeper on him.  Beefcake breaks the hold as Virgil gets on the apron.  DiBiase knocks Beefcake to the floor where Virgil tries to attack him.  Beefcake no-sells it and starts to chase after him.  DiBiase joins them on the floor and the two brawl until both men are counted out.

Postmatch: Beefcake beats up DiBiase and Virgil, but they run before Beefcake can cut any hair.

BL: What a lame ending.  Then again, I don’t remember any back story to this feud to necessitate a decent blowoff.  Still, this was a disappointing outing for DiBiase as only one year ago he was in the main event.  ¾ *

- Lord Alfred Hayes tries talking to the Bushwhackers while they’re eating at the Wrestlemania brunch.  I’ll let you draw your own conclusions as to how disgusting that was.

The Fabulous Rougeaus vs. The Bushwhackers

Before the bell, the Bushwhackers trap Jimmy Hart and steal his jacket.  The Rougeaus attack them from behind before they can eat it.  Jimmy tries to get the coat back but the Bushwhackers whip the Rougeaus into him and clear the ring.  The Bushwhackers nail Raymond with the battering ram, but this was before it was their finisher, so sadly this match continues.  Off-camera Raymond nails Luke behind the referee’s back to take control of the match.  Frequent tags by the Rougeaus make Luke your marching moron-in-distress.  The Rougeaus hit their patented abdominal stretch/crescent kick combo on Luke.  As the Rougeaus hug and celebrate that move, Butch comes in and the Bushwhackers hit the battering ram and a tandem gutbuster on Raymond.  Luke then covers and gets the out of nowhere victory.

BL: Someone must have told them to phone it home early because that finish made no sense.  Then again, the Bushwhackers having a job and being pushed makes no sense to me.  Too bad the Rougeaus had to be made to look like fools here.  DUD

- Sean Mooney tries talking to some fans but gets licked by the Bushwhackers as they made their way to the back.  Gee, I hope there’s a little something extra in his Wrestlemania paycheck.

Mr. Perfect vs. The Blue Blazer

Perfect takes an imperfect stumble down the steps toward the ring.  While Trump Plaza was a decent place size-wise for a Wrestlemania, all the wrestlers had difficulty on those steps there.  They needed those sweet ring carts here.  After some mat work between the two, the Blazer goes on a roll hitting two powerslams and a dropkick which send Perfect over the top rope.  A backbreaker by the Blazer gets a 1 count and it’s been all Blazer here to start.  After powerslaming Perfect, the Blazer tries a splash from the top rope but Perfect gets his knees up as he comes down.  Perfect doesn’t do much offensively except lock on a reverse chinlock.  The Blazer boots a charging Perfect and goes back on offense.  A belly-to-belly gets 2 for the Blazer.  He gets another nearfall with a crucifix.  As the Blazer argues the count, Perfect hits him with a hard clothesline.  He follows that up with the Perfectplex and gets the pinfall.

BL: A very unimpressive Wrestlemania debut for Perfect.  Knowing how skilled these two were I was hoping for a lot more here.  I’m also not sure who they were trying to get over more because Perfect got the win but was on defense almost the entire time.  * ½

- Howard Finkel makes an intro for Ventura who mugs for the camera from the announcing booth.  That was as pointless as his stay as governor.  Just kidding Jesse, we love ya man.

- Lord Alfred covers the Wrestlemania 5K race which had Mr. Fuji as an entrant.  Fuji talks with Lord Alfred after the race and says he’s in superior shape.  So the key to long distance running is wearing a tuxedo.  I got it!

- Run DMC perform the “Wrestlemania Rap”.  With gems like this, it’s a wonder this genre ever caught on with the American public.

Handicap match for the WWF Tag Team Championship: Demolition (champs) vs. The Powers of Pain and Mr. Fuji

Demolition take turns pounding on Warlord early.  Warlord uses his strength to force Smash back to the heel corner where he tags the Barbarian.  Barbarian doesn’t fare much better as Demolition work him over using frequent tags.  Tide turns when Ax tries going after Fuji and gets blindsided by the Barbarian.  With Ax beaten down, Fuji tags in and gets a few moves on him before quickly tagging back out.  Warlord covers Ax but doesn’t hook the leg so Ax kicks out.  After powerslaming Ax, Barbarian tags Fuji, who goes up top but misses a leg drop.  That miss isn’t enough for Ax to make the tag as the Warlord cuts him off.  Ax catches Warlord with a clothesline and now makes the hot tag.  Smash takes on both Powers of Pain with ease.  Soon everybody’s in the ring and it’s CHAOS.  Ax clotheslines Barbarian to the floor.  Meanwhile, Fuji tries the old salt trick but misses Smash and gets the Warlord instead.  With both Powers of Pain incapacitated, Demolition trap Fuji, hit him with the Demolition Decapitator and retain their titles.

BL: Nothing fancy here, but solid action all around.  The storyline here was sound as Demolition get their revenge on Fuji.  I think it may have been better if the Powers of Pain had won the titles before Wrestlemania and Demolition won them back here, but it’s not a big thing.  **

- Schiavone tries to interview Macho Man in his broom closet of a locker room.  Man, I thought the champ would get better changing quarters than that.

Rugged Ronnie Garvin vs. Dino Bravo

Superfly Jimmy Snuka is introduced before the match for seemingly no reason.  Garvin worries about where he’s going to throw his towel and Bravo clotheslines him from behind.  Bravo works over Garvin’s back with a bearhug.  After a shouldertackle, Bravo makes an arrogant cover and not surprisingly only gets 2.  Garvin fires back with punches and chops.  He follows it up by ramming Bravo’s head into the turnbuckle.  As Garvin pounds on Bravo in the corner, Bravo grabs him and hits him with a reverse atomic drop.  Bravo follows that up with a sideslam and that’s enough to get a 3 count.

Postmatch: That sore loser Garvin beats up Bravo and then gives Frenchy Martin the Garvin Stomp.

BL: When the highlight of a match is seeing the manager get a boot to his balls, you know there isn’t much going on.  ¼ *

The Brainbuster vs. Strike Force

Story here is that Strike Force has just reunited after Rick Martel had been out for a while with an injury.  Tully and Martel do some mat work until Martel goes off the ropes and gets a knee to the back from Anderson.  Martel fights out of the heel corner though.  All four men come in and Strike Force cleans house with a pair of dropkicks.  Martel gets a Boston Crab on Anderson but Tully breaks it up.  Tully gets a headlock on Martel but he’s able to make a blind tag to Santana.  Strike Force now get Figure Four leglocks on both Brainbusters.  Referee has lost control of this one.  Santana makes a tag to Martel and then tries to nail Tully with a flying forearm, but hits Martel instead.  The Brainbusters work over Santana as Martel tries to recover on the floor.  A crossbody by Santana gets 2 on Tully.  Anderson tries to go up top but Santana heaves him off.  Santana crawls to his corner but as he reaches for a tag, Martel gets off the apron and leaves.  Now we get our second handicap match of the night as Santana gets worked over by the Brainbusters.  Santana valiantly tries to fend them off but to no avail.  The Brainbusters hit the spike piledriver and finish Sanatana off.

BL: Strike Force’s split was the real reason for the match, but while they were out there, they had some impressive stuff.  ** ¼

- In the back, Martel tells Mean Gene that he is through with that “loser” Santana, thus sparking a feud that has lasted longer than the Hatfields and the McCoys.

Piper’s Pit

Brother Love fools everyone and comes out to make it the Brother Love Show.  He then impersonates Piper as the fans chant for the real Roddy.  Instead Morton Downey Jr. comes out to chat with Brother Love.  Finally, the real Piper comes out and serves justice the Rowdy way by pulling off Brother Love’s kilt and dowsing Morton Downey with a fire extinguisher.  Pure filler but fun filler.

- Mean Gene introduces the trailer for No Holds Barred.  Mr. Hollywood himself, Jesse Ventura goes apeshit over this while everyone else goes ‘ehh’.

- A video package detailing the Megapowers’ highs and lows are shown followed by Hogan talking forever about Macho’s ego.  Whatcha gonna do when hypocrisy runs wild on you?

Jake “the Snake” Roberts vs. Andre the Giant

Big John Studd is your special guest referee.  When Andre makes it to the ring, he and Studd start giving each other some static.  Andre catches Jake and immediately rams him into the corner that is missing a turnbuckle pad.  I’ll assume Heenan removed it while Andre was jawing at Studd.  That’s why he’s the Brain.  Andre locks a sleeper of sorts on Jake.  When Jake escapes, he goes right for Damian.  Jesse hits it right on the head by saying that is Jake’s only game plan.  Finally after taking quite a beating from Andre, Jake fires back with some rights and lefts and gets Andre’s arms tied in the ropes.  As soon as he gets his arm free, Andre goes right back to attacking Jake.  Jake catches Andre in the corner with a knee and then rams his head into the exposed corner.  OH THE IRONY!  Andre comes right back though with a chop that sends Jake right to the floor.  Studd starts yelling at Andre because he won’t let Jake back into the ring.  Jake grabs Damian and starts to bring it into the ring.  As Studd tries to stop him, Andre avalanches him in the corner.  Meanwhile, Ted Dibiase comes down, attacks Jake and steals Damian.  Jake chases Dibiase while Andre starts choking Studd.  Jake recovers Damian and puts him into the ring which sends Andre back to the dressing room.  Jake’s declared the winner via disqualification.

BL: The match itself didn’t offer a whole lot but I liked the brilliance of Heenan removing the turnbuckle pad and the wild finish that put two new storylines into place.  For that, I boot the rating up to * as opposed to the DUD it deserves for its action.

- Mooney talks with a fan in the cheap seats.  I’m sure that guy went home with a T-shirt that read “I went to Wrestlemania V and all I got was a lousy interview with Sean Mooney”.

- Schiavone interviews Sensational Sherri who rips on Rockin’ Robin and Miss Elizabeth.  Robin I can understand, but c’mon how can you hate Liz?

The Hart Foundation vs. Honky Tonk Man and Greg “the Hammer” Valentine

I’m blinded by the amount of rhinestones worn by the heels.  They should call their team “LIZA!”  Bret and Honky start out and Bret’s speed gives him an early advantage.  Bret tags the Anvil and slingshots him in like a torpedo onto Valentine.  Bret’s back in but he misses an elbow to allow the heels to take over.  The heels do some double-teaming to put Bret in trouble.  Honky hits the Shake, Rattle and Roll neckbreaker but opts to tag Valentine instead of pinning.  Valentine tries the Figure Four, but Bret pulls him off.  Bret shocks Honky with a crossbody and gets 2.  Hot tag is made to the Anvil who handles both heels.  Anvil gets a couple of nearfalls on Valentine.  Bret is back in now and hits a suplex on Honky and goes for a cover.  Valentine makes the save for Honky.  As the referee tries to get Valentine out, Jimmy Hart leaves the megaphone on the apron for Honky.  The Anvil sees it though, tosses it to Bret who clocks Honky with it and covers him for the win.

BL: Those cheating Harts win again.  But it was another short but fine match that ultimately is just a speck in the wrestling universe.  * ¾

- Clips from the Super Posedown are shown which led to tonight’s Intercontinental title match.  Nothing like a good posedown to get people jazzed up for a fight.

WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Ultimate Warrior (champ) vs. Ravishing Rick Rude

Rude has an airbrushed version of the Intercontinental title on his tights.  Wishful thinking or foreshadowing?  Rude tries attacking Warrior right away with a knee to the gut but Warrior still has the belt on, causing Rude to injure himself.  Warrior then begins to manhandle Rude, whipping him from corner to corner.  A bearhug by Warrior puts more pain on Rude’s back.  Rude escapes with a thumb to the eye.  Warrior won’t stay down, ever after a top rope dropkick by Rude.  He goes back to the bearhug and Rude looks like he is close to submitting.  Sensing the end is near, Warrior goes for the big splash but Rude gets his knees up.  Rude hits a piledriver and gets 2.  Rude puts Warrior in a submission move, trying to stretch his abdominals.  Warrior reaches for the ropes and shakes Rude off.  After hitting a backbreaker on Rude, Warrior carries him and appears to try and throw him to the floor but instead just throws him into the ropes.  Weird, but then again we are talking about the Warrior here.  Warrior whips Rude to the corner but misses the flying charge.  Rude goes for the Rude Awakening but Warrior powers out of it.  Warrior clotheslines Rude out of the ring.  As Warrior goes to suplex him back in, Heenan grabs Warrior’s leg and trips him.  That allows Rude to fall on top of the Warrior and pin him while Heenan holds onto his leg.  New champion!

Postmatch: Warrior beats up Heenan, who still has to wrestle tonight.

BL: Rude’s bumping for the Warrior made such a difference in this match.  He made Warrior look like a monster and made it all the more devastating when he beat him.  Rude gets the MVP of the night for taking Warrior through a good match.  *** ¼

Bad News Brown vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

It’s the guy who doesn’t want any friends vs. the guy nobody wants to be friends with.  Bad News jumps Duggan as he enters and we’re underway.  It’s all Bad News until he misses a charge in the corner.  Duggan fires back which prompts Bad News to think about taking a walk.  I don’t blame him, I wouldn’t want to be around Duggan either.  He decides to stay and fight and Duggan brings him back into the ring the hardway.  Duggan puts his head down and Bad News gives him a stiff right.  Bad News tries attacking Duggan’s cranium but that doesn’t work too well.  Fight spills out to the floor where Bad News posts Duggan.  Back inside, Bad News goes for the Ghetto Blaster but misses.  Duggan comes back and nails Bad News with the 3 point stance clothesline that sends Bad News to the outside.  Bad News grabs a chair so Duggan grabs his 2 x 4.  Both men swing for the other and the ref calls for the bell.  It’s a double disqualification.

BL: A non-finish in a match between two guys nobody cares for.  This was supposed to be a palette cleanser before the main event but instead just left a bad taste in my mouth.  -*

- The Red Rooster tells Mean Gene that the barnyard will rejoice tonight after he defeats Bobby Heenan.  Someone must have given Mean Gene a sedative to allow him to keep a straight face during that promo.

The Red Rooster vs. Bobby “the Brain” Heenan

The Brooklyn Brawler accompanies Heenan to ringside.  Match lasts 20 seconds at best with the finish being Heenan whipping the Rooster into the corner, missing a charge and getting pinned.

Postmatch: The Brawler beats up the Rooster igniting a feud we were all clamoring for.

BL: I hate rating stuff like this because it’s fun to see Heenan get beat up but it’s a total DUD as far as substance goes.

- Mean Gene gets Miss Elizabeth’s thoughts on the Megapowers exploding.  I’d tell you what she said but I was too busy noticing how hot she looked.  My apologies.

WWF Championship Match: Macho Man Randy Savage (champ) vs. Hulk Hogan

Egomania runs wild already as Hogan comes out after the champion.  After a stall session, they finally lockup and Hogan shoves Macho down.  Each time Hogan tries to gain momentum, Macho runs to the outside.  Finally Hogan chases after him but Macho uses Elizabeth as a shield.  Inside, Hogan gets a front face lock on Macho, but he breaks free with a back suplex.  A thumb to the eye slows Hogan down.  Macho locks an armbar on Hogan to wear him down.  Hogan escapes by tossing Macho to the floor.  Putting his head down, Hogan allows Macho to go right back onto offense.  A boot to Hogan’s face busts him open.  Hogan goes for an elbow but he misses.  Macho goes back on the attack and Hogan seems to be at his mercy.  A slap to Hogan’s face though enrages him. He takes Macho and rams his head into the turnbuckle.  Hogan picks up Macho and heaves him over the top rope.  Nice bump by Macho.  Elizabeth tries to help Macho but he doesn’t want it.  Macho pulls out Hogan and brawls with him on the floor.  Hogan tries to ram Macho into the post but Elizabeth won’t allow it.  This gives Macho the opportunity to ram Hogan into the post.  Macho tries to get Elizabeth to leave and eventually Earl Hebner forces her to leave.  Hogan gets hit with a double ax handle on the floor which caused Hogan’s throat to get dropped onto the steel guardrail.  Macho now focuses all of his attack on Hogan’s throat.  Going up top, Macho nails the big elbow.  To no one’s surprise, Hogan kicks out and hulks up.  One big boot and legdrop later and we have a new champion.

BL: Just like Rude in the Intercontinental title match, Macho gets all the credit for making a good match come out of a limited worker.  There were a few too many restholds to make it a classic in my books.  But the electricity here was off the charts to make for a nice finish to Wrestlemania.  *** ½

Final Thought: A tough one to rate.  They did their best to ensure everyone on the roster made it onto the show.  As a result all the matches were pretty short and some were downright pointless.  It did give the proper blowoffs and set up some new feuds for the new wrestling year.  I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the superb announcing by Gorilla and Jesse.  Their commentary made a lot of the matches more bearable and each had some great one-liners.  A mildly recommended show with a warning that you may use your fast-forward button frequently.

Next time, the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue cowers before the awesome power that is ZEUS!!

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.
  

E-MAIL ADAM
BROWSE THE OOLD TYME ARCHIVES

Originally from Cleveland, Adam is now a graduate student at the University of Dayton who is looking to make a couple extra bucks writing this column. What do you mean Rick doesn't pay his columnists?

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