by Adam Gutschmidt
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

- Your commentators are Tony “I’m not Gorilla” Schivone and Jesse “the Body” Ventura

- Emanating from the Orlando Arena in Orlando, Florida

Opening Match: The Rougeau Brothers vs. The Bushwhackers

Major stalling early on by the Bushwhackers doesn’t win any favors with me.  Raymond offers Butch a handshake and when he takes too long to respond, Raymond kicks him in the gut.  Good!  Luke prevents an early double-team from the Rougeaus.  Butch escapes a sleeper hold and goes to his quasi-finisher, biting Raymond on the ass.  Then Butch bites the referee which I guess he ruled as “hilarious hijinx” as opposed to a disqualification.  The Bushwhackers clear out the Rougeaus and stall some more.  Luke outsmarts the Rougeaus, so they regroup with Jimmy Hart and produce more stalling.  Tony tries getting over the Bushwhackers as a solid team by saying they’ve had “solid clotheslines and solid timing” in this match.  Well by all means, get them a title shot.  Jacques catches Luke from behind and stomps away.  A savant kick by Raymond gets 2 on Luke.  Raymond tosses Luke to the floor where Jacques attacks him some more.  Luke tries going to his corner for a tag but Raymond just knocks Butch off the apron.  The Rougeaus continue to double-team, making Luke your New Zealand hillbilly-in-distress.  More biting by Luke almost allows him to make the tag.  Jacques tries a splash but Luke gets his knees up.  Hot tag to Butch, who manhandles both Rougeaus.  All four men are in now and the Bushwhackers whip the Rougeaus into each other.  The Bushwhackers go for the battering ram but Jimmy Hart holds Luke’s leg.  The Rougeaus make a save before the Bushwhackers can beat up Jimmy.  Raymond locks a Boston Crab on Butch but Luke trips up Jacques before he can hit the legdrop.  As Raymond checks on Jacques, the Bushwhackers hit the battering ram and cover Jacques for the pinfall.

Bottom Line: When there was actually action, it was typical Bushwhacker fare which isn’t very satisfying.  The most positive thing I can say about this match is that the Bushwhackers shtick was super over with the crowd which made for a good atmosphere.  *

- Mean Gene chats with the Million Dollar Man who has the cruel fate of irony hit him this year as he has drawn #1 after drawing (wink wink) #30 last year.

Brutus “the Barber” Beefcake vs. The Genius

We are graced with a poem by the Genius that ends “Beefcake’s double dumb”.  Can’t argue with him there.  Genius offers a left-handed handshake but Beefcake declines.  Once again we get major stalling to begin.  You’re not getting paid by the minute here fellas.  A rake to the eyes allows the Genius to attack.  Beefcake hits a reverse atomic drop so we get more stalling while Genius recovers on the floor.  Genius whips Beefcake to the corner but misses a dropkick.  The Genius decides to take another breather on the floor so the fans start a “faggot” chant.  That prompts Jesse to remind us that Beefcake is from San Francisco.  Touché.  The Genius hits a dropkick for 2.  Another rake to the eyes allows the Genius to roll Beefcake up for 2.  Beefcake catches the Genius coming off the second rope with a shot to the midsection.  The sleeper is locked on the Genius but he quickly escapes.  Beefcake shoves the Genius, who collides with the referee.  They needed a ref bump in this match???  Beefcake gets the sleeper on again and puts the Genius out.  With the referee still unconscious, Beefcake decides to cut the Genius’s hair.  This prompts Mr. Perfect to come out and assault Beefcake with a chair.  Match is ruled as a double disqualification.

BL: Total Superstars match here.  Only served to push a Perfect/Beefcake storyline.  While the Genius’ antics are always mildly amusing, there was nothing worthwhile action-wise here.  I’ve put on better matches with my Hasbro action figures.  DUD

- Bobby Heenan tells Sean Mooney that it’s every family, not man, for himself in the Royal Rumble.  Mooney then has to stir the pot and cause dissension.  Let’s hope he never becomes part of the United Nations or we’re all in trouble.

Submission Match: “Rugged” Ronnie Garvin vs. Greg “the Hammer” Valentine

Valentine protests that Garvin is wearing a leg brace and decides to take a walk.  Garvin stops him before he gets too far and tosses him back into the ring.  A handful of chops drop Valentine and Garvin covers.  Moron!  Valentine draws Garvin into a corner and attacks him.  A chopfest breaks out and Garvin gets the better of the exchange.  The two try to box each other, which looks really stupid, especially in a submission match.  Valentine looks to put the figure four on, but instead nails Garvin in the midsection.  Then Valentine goes for a cover.  We have a couple of bright ones here.  A Garvin headbutt drops both men.  More pinfall attempts are made in a sunset flip reversal spot.  Now they are really trying my patience.  As Valentine goes for the figure four, Garvin shoves him off and then rolls him up.  Why must they insult the fans like this?  Valentine finally locks on the figure four, despite never attacking Garvin’s legs before in the match.  Garvin laughs at the hold because the “Hammer Jammer” (his leg brace) prevents him from feeling pain.  Valentine releases the hold and kicks him in the gut.  Garvin goes for a small package and I’m ready to nominate him Mayor of Idiotsville.  Valentine puts Garvin in a backbreaker submission hold but can’t lock his hands and Garvin escapes.  After beating Valentine in the corner, Garvin puts Valentine in an Indian Deathlock.  Valentine grabs the ropes and takes a breather on the floor.  A funny moment as Jesse makes fun of Tony for being too skinny.  Ha!  Garvin charges Valentine in the corner, misses and gets hung up in a tree of woe position.  Valentine releases him and pounds away on him.  A double KO spot allows Jimmy Hart to remove Garvin’s leg brace.  Valentine slaps on the figure four but Garvin eventually reverses it.  After Valentine grabs the ropes, he goes back to working over Garvin’s leg.  Valentine goes up top but Garvin slams him off.  That allows Garvin to remove Valentine’s leg brace “The Heartbreaker”.  What does Valentine do in retaliation?  Roll him up for a pin of course.  Vince really should rethink that Hall of Fame nomination.  A Garvin chop sends Valentine back to the ropes where he gets his arms tied up.  As Jimmy Hart tries to free Valentine, Garvin heaves him into the ring.  Valentine gets free and tries a sneak attack but Garvin sees him and blasts him with the leg brace.  Garvin locks on a reverse figure four (a Sharpshooter) and Valentine submits.

BL: Was this a submission match?  I couldn’t tell with all the pin attempts.  Plus neither man attacked their opponent’s legs despite both men having leg-based submission finishers.  All they did was chop each other.  What an absolute boring match.  ½ *

- Mean Gene tries to talk about his assault on Beefcake, but Perfect would rather talk about the fact that he drew #30.  Why?  Because he’s absolutely…in a business where everything is fixed.

Brother Love Show with special guests Sapphire and Sensational Queen Sherri

Sherri and Brother Love point out the glaringly obvious fact that Sapphire is fat and slovenly.  This prompts each woman’s respective man to come out and brawl.  Segment ends with Dusty clearing the ring and dancing.  Ugh, let’s find anything to air besides this.

- Jim Duggan gives an incomprehensible interview to Sean Mooney.  But rather than point out all of Duggan’s flaws, numerous as they may be, I’ll just be thankful that he’s not in the Rumble match itself.

Big Boss Man vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

A big lockup leads to a slugfest between the two.  Duggan hits the Bossman with a clothesline to knock him out of the ring.  Bossman drags Duggan out there with him and shoves him into the post.  When Bossman tries to charge after Duggan, he moves and Bossman hits the post.  Duggan starts working the arm of the Bossman’s that hit the post.  I’m stunned.  There’s been more psychology here already than in the last match at all.  Bossman slows Duggan down with a splash in the corner.  Duggan gets in real trouble after the Bossman stuns him (and me) with an enziguri.  Ramming Duggan’s head into the turnbuckles doesn’t work for the Bossman and Duggan starts to mount a comeback.  Duggan whips the Bossman to the ropes but puts his head down and gets nailed.  That gets a nearfall for the Bossman.  As the Bossman jaws with the referee, Slick gets in some choking on Duggan.  Bossman gets a bearhug applied but Duggan breaks free.  Duggan finally goes back on the offensive with a clothesline that sends Bossman to the outside.  A 10-punch count by Duggan is stopped short by the referee’s admonishing.  Bossman goes up top but misses a splash.  A Duggan clothesline produces a double KO spot.  Slick grabs Duggan but when Bossman charges, Duggan moves and Slick gets nailed.  Bossman is given the nightstick from Slick and hits Duggan with it.  The referee sees it and calls for the DQ.

Postmatch: Duggan gets his heat back (of course) by nailing the Bossman with the 2 x 4.

BL: What started out as a decent brawl quickly dissolved into a lot of punching and kicking.  Plus Duggan’s no-selling didn’t do any favors for Bossman’s blossoming singles career.  A DQ finish doesn’t surprise me, but the fact that the Bossman used his weapon before Duggan did does.  * ½

Royal Rumble Rebuttals

·         Jimmy Hart squawks about Earthquake and Dino Bravo’s chances

·         Demolition plot the demise of their opponents and each other

·         Listen playa, Bad News Brown says he’ll win it all

·         Dusty and Sapphire have their sights set on Macho Man, if you weel.

·         The Rockers look pretty while boasting about their odds.  Punks!

·         Hercules admits he’s got no chance.  Well, not really, but he doesn’t.

·         Rick Martel worries about how his face will be after the Rumble

·         Tito Santana claims friendships are out the door tonight.  Like he has friends

·         Superfly Jimmy Snuka reminisces about his days in the jungle

·         Slick yaps about Akeem, while he does his groove thang

·         The Warrior calmly discusses his chances.

Royal Rumble Rebuttals Part II

• Macho Man proclaims he’ll reign supreme
• Powers of Pain growl for the camera
• Jake Roberts is the smartest man because he says being #30 doesn’t matter
• Bret Hart gives the Anvil his shot of Ritalin
• Honky promises to produce a greatest hits album tonight
• Hulk Hogan says he’s never tanned…err…trained harder for a match

- By my calculations that means that Rowdy Roddy Piper, Koko B. Ware, and the Red Rooster were the only entrants not to speak about their chances.  It doesn’t look too good then if you had them to win in your office pool.

Royal Rumble Match

DiBiase as noted before is #1.  His first opponent is Koko B. Ware at #2.  Koko gets jumped as soon as he enters.   DiBiase makes a mistake by trying to ram Koko’s cranium into the turnbuckle.  Koko charges but DiBiase backdrops him to the floor.  Now there are only 28 more to go.  DiBiase waits as #3 Marty Jannetty makes his way down.  Jannetty tries a high flying move that DiBiase dodges and causes Jannetty to be eliminated.  Second verse same as the first.  Jake Roberts is #4 and these two have issues at this point.  DiBiase meets Roberts on the floor and slaps on the Million Dollar Dream.  Roberts escapes by ramming DiBiase into the post.  Inside, Roberts tries for the DDT, but DiBiase backdrops him.  As Roberts hits a kneelift, Macho Man makes his way down at #5.  The heels quickly begin to double-team Roberts.  With Roberts tied in the ropes, he gets some help in the form of #6 “Rowdy” Roddy Piper.  Piper takes care of both heels and then frees Roberts.  The faces and the heels team up with Piper and Macho nearly eliminating each other.  The Warlord saunters out at #7.  He goes right after Piper.  Meanwhile, Macho and DiBiase unsuccessfully try to eliminate Roberts.  

#8 is Bret Hart who again evens the face/heel ratio.  Everyone is pairing up but no one is close to elimination.  Everybody’s friend, Bad News Brown is #9.  Roberts again goes for the DDT on DiBiase, but Macho comes over and clotheslines him to the floor.  It’s now Bret/Warlord, Bad News/DiBiase, and Piper/Macho squaring off.  The fat quotient just skyrocketed as #10 is Dusty Rhodes and he goes right after Macho Man.  Macho charges at Dusty but gets backdropped to the floor.  Crowd loved that one.  

#11 is Andre who makes his impact felt immediately by eliminating the Warlord.  Heenan and Fuji get into a scuffle as a result of that elimination.  That was a nice touch.  Andre now takes on both Piper and Dusty, while Bad News and DiBiase beat up Bret.  The Red Rooster is #12 as Piper is almost eliminated by Bad News.  Piper then actually does eliminate Bad News.  Angered by this, Bad News pulls Piper out and the two brawl all the way back to the dressing room.  Dusty tries to dump DiBiase but Virgil keeps him in.  Andre dumps the Rooster as #13 Ax makes his way down.  Just to be cruel, the fans start a ‘Weasel’ chant for Heenan.  Dusty and Ax get Andre tied up in the ropes and pound on his head.  As they free him, Andre nails each of them in the gut.  It would have been really cool if he would have ball-tapped them.  To help his partner Andre, is #14 Haku.  He goes after Dusty while Andre sits on Ax.  Conveniently, Ax’s partner Smash now comes out at #15.  Demolition now pair off against the Colossal Connection.  

#16 is Akeem and the ring really has some tonnage now.  Demolition both hit shouldertackles on Andre and that’s enough to eliminate him.  As Demolition now tries to eliminate Haku, the announcers inform us that Bret was eliminated off camera.  But just remember, the cameraman didn’t screw Bret.  Bret screwed Bret.  Superfly Jimmy Snuka is #17 and gets hit by Akeem as soon as he enters.  Virgil once again helps DiBiase stave off elimination.  Meanwhile, Snuka comes back and knocks Akeem out.  Haku and Snuka double headbutt Smash and then beat each other up.  Now that’s what a Rumble’s all about.  #18 is Dino Bravo to the interest of no one.  Everyone seems to be milling around now.  

Earthquake is #19 and he’s already ripped his unitard before he even hits the ring.  Dusty gets tossed by Earthquake within seconds of his arrival.  Demolition tries to double-team Earthquake but he casually dumps Ax out of the ring.  #20 Jim “the Anvil” Neidhart goes right after Earthquake and soon everyone joins him to eliminate the huge Canadian.  DiBiase, still surviving, gets hit with a double atomic drop by Smash and Neidhart.  

Crowd wakes up as the Ultimate Warrior hits the ring at #21.  He goes after Dino Bravo and eliminates him soon thereafter.  Everyone pairs up again as #22 Rick Martel makes his way down.  Haku dumps Smash over but he hangs on only to be knocked off by a Haku kick.  Neidhart heaves Martel over but he hangs on and sneaks back in under the bottom rope.  #23 is Tito Santana and he begins fighting Martel to no one’s surprise.  Those two will probably be fighting at the 2010 Royal Rumble.  Honky Tonk Man is #24 and is greeted right away by the Warrior.  A bunch of guys brawl on one side and Neidhart gets eliminated in the process.  Warrior reverses a DiBiase whip and then clotheslines him to the floor.  Nice effort by DiBiase who becomes the first Iron Man of Rumble matches.  #25 is Hulk Hogan and the exit signs light up for a lot of guys.  Snuka gone!  Haku gone!  Santana gone!  

It’s now Martel paired up with the Warrior and Honky tangling with Hogan.  Shawn Michaels comes down at #26 as Hogan tosses Honky out.  Warrior goes into hurry up mode and eliminates Shawn and Martel back-to-back.  Shawn gets the Bushwhacker award tonight.  We’re left with the Ultimate Face-off.  Hogan and Warrior stare at each other as the crowd goes nuts.  They criss-cross and then they clothesline each other.  With both men down, the Barbarian comes out at #27.  He has his way with both Warrior and Hogan.  Before we get a countdown, Rick Rude enters at #28.  Rude hits Warrior with a dropkick as the Barbarian tries to eliminate Hogan.  Rude comes over to help the Barbarian, but Warrior makes the save.  Soon the Barbarian and Rude try to eliminate the Warrior and Hogan comes over and finishes the job.  Oh Hulk, you are a devious one.  Warrior comes back in and beats up the heels some more, simply because he’s crazy.  Hogan gets some help, as if he needs it, from #29 Hercules.  Hogan gives the Barbarian a back rake to show how tough he is.  

And surprise, surprise, it’s Mr. Perfect at #30.  Heel miscommunication between the Barbarian and Rude allows Hercules to eliminate the Barbarian.  That makes our Final Four Hogan, Perfect, Rude and Hercules.  The weak link of the bunch, Hercules gets eliminated by a Rude clothesline.  Rude accidentally hits Perfect with a forearm and knocks him through the ropes.  Hogan whips Rude to the ropes which are pulled down as Perfect hoists himself up.  That causes Rude to be eliminated.  Perfect comes in and hits Hogan with the PerfectPlex.  That causes Hogan to pop up and go to work on Perfect.  After Perfect hits the top of the post from a slingshot, Hogan grabs him and tosses him out.

BL: A pretty decent Rumble that nicely set up numerous feuds for Wrestlemania (Hogan/Warrior, Jake/DiBiase, Dusty/Macho, Piper/Bad News, and Demolition/Colossal Connection).  There were also very few lulls during the course of the match.  The only negative was the uncreative finish.  Perfect was originally booked to win the match, but you can guess who vetoed that idea.  That’s right, HHH.  *** ¾

Final Thought: The undercard here was pretty wretched.  It’s pretty sad when Duggan/Bossman is the best of the bunch.  The Rumble match was solid but the only notable moment (Hogan/Warrior face-off) was re-done better at Wrestlemania.  This is a totally forgettable show and only for big fans of the Rumble.

Next time, we learn some valuable life lessons.  Roddy Piper teaches us racial harmony, Dusty and Miss Elizabeth teach us to find the inner beauty in people and Hogan shows us the value of sharing. 

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue
  

E-MAIL ADAM
BROWSE THE OOLD TYME ARCHIVES

Originally from Cleveland, Adam is now a graduate student at the University of Dayton who is looking to make a couple extra bucks writing this column. What do you mean Rick doesn't pay his columnists?

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