by Adam Gutschmidt
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Happy Wrestlemania week everyone.  Enjoy the big show this Sunday.  I’m happy that it worked out nicely that I review an old Wrestlemania this week.  I will apologize though, in advance.  This is an older review of mine and isn’t quite as in-depth as some of the other ones you have read.

OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue for WWF Wrestlemania 6: The Ultimate Challenge

- Your commentators for tonight’s festivities are Gorilla Monsoon and Jesse “I’m On My Way Out” Ventura

- Emanating from the Skydome in Toronto, Canada

- Robert “Don’t Call Me Bob” Goulet gets things started with a stirring rendition of “O Canada”

Opening Match: Koko B. Ware vs. Rick “The Model” Martel

You know they’re showcasing the entire roster when The Birdman gets on a PPV.  Martel cheapshots Koko as he gets patted down by the ref.  Koko fires back with a high crossbody and a few dropkicks.  A back body drop and a clothesline send Martel to the outside.  Rick needs a TO!  Koko brings him back in but gets tossed out himself as a thank you.  Back in, Martel begins to work on Koko’s back.  Suplex gets 2 for Martel.  Double axe handle and a backbreaker soften Koko up.  Boston crab attempt is prevented by Koko grabbing the ropes.  Ramming The Birdman’s head into the corner wakes up Koko.  (Is he Polynesian?)  Now Koko comes back with a flurry of punches.  Koko throws in a couple of “I’m cuckoo for Koko Butts” and gets a 2 count.  Martel dodges a high cross body and slaps on the Boston Crab for the submission victory.

Bottom Line:  There was no issue between these two, which doesn’t help in producing heat for the match.  It also doesn’t get the crowd off to a good start.  Certainly not the best opener but some ok stuff.  * ¾

- Mean Gene interviews The Colostomy Connection so says Okerlund.  Ha!

- Sean Mooney gets a counterpoint from Demolition

Tag Team Championship Match:  The Colossal Connection (champs) vs. Demolition

Pre-match note:  Gorilla mentions that there are numerous tag teams looking for the gold which makes me wonder why Andre and Haku were ever given the straps.  Demos get jumped before the bell and we’re underway.  Haku pounds away on Smash but gets caught in the face corner.  Demos double team, while Andre moans to the ref.  Haku thumbs Smash to slow him down.  Both men try for a backslide and eventually Smash gets it.  Andre comes in to break up the pin.  Tag to Ax who gets chopped in the throat upon entry.  Backbreaker by Haku gets a 2 count.  Heenan gives a slap to Ax.  Andre follows suit with a couple of punches to Ax.  After getting worked over in the heel corner Haku covers but Smash stops the count.  Ax gets some token punches but is stopped with a thumb to eye.  Haku rests his hands on Ax’s shoulders and we’ll believe he’s applying a “weardown tactic”.  Smash’s whining allows more heel double-teaming.  Ax tries to punch back but to no avail.  Shoulderbreaker by Haku gets 2.  Haku charges but EATS SOLE.  Ax finally delivers the hot tag.  Smash is all over Haku like suck on Billy Gunn.  Andre comes in but gets hit too.  All 4 men in now and it’s CHAOS!  An errant thrust kick by Haku ties Andre up in the ropes.  One Demolition Decapitator later and we’ve got new tag team champions. 

Postmatch: Heenan blows up at Andre who blasts him and dissolves himself from the Heenan family!

BL:  Basic handicap match with Andre being of no use at this point in his career.  Highlights come from the crowd pop for the win and Andre’s breakup with Heenan.  * ½

- Mean Gene interviews Earthquake and Jimmy Hart.  Hart uses as many Earthquake analogies as possible in 30 seconds.

Hercules vs. Earthquake

Quake tries a blind attack but gets caught.  Hercules fires away on Quake and busts him open the hard way.  So much for Herc’s main event push.  Back in, Quake wants a test of strength.  Quake gets it and drops Herc to his knees.  As Hercules mounts a comeback, Quake gives him a swift kick to the stomach.  More domination by Earthquake until he puts his head down and gets caught.  Hercules mounts enough offense to drop Quake to one knee.  Herc goes for a backbreaker and hurts himself.  What a moron!  It’s elementary after that as Quake hits the butt splash and ends it. 

Postmatch: Herc gets the aftershock to show Earthquake is EVIL!

BL:  Herc used as face fodder to prove Quake is a force.  DUD

- Rona Barrett sucks up to Miss Elizabeth

- Sean Mooney interviews Beefcake.

Brutus “the Barber” Beefcake vs. Mr. Perfect w/The Genius

I’m already deducting a half point from this match because we get no poem from the Genius.  This is coined a “grudge match” by Gorilla and I agree but probably for a different reason.  Perfect gets caught trying to sneak attack and begins to flop all over the ring.  Beefcake hits an atomic drop that sends Perfect over the top rope.  Brutus pantomimes that he’s gay while Perfect regroups.  Perfect comes back in but gets some rough turnbuckle treatment.  Genius distracts the ref and prevents Brutus from hitting the sleeper.  In the meantime, Perfect grabs the SCROLL of VILLANY and nails Beefcake with it.  Beefcake now lays the boots to The Barber.  Perfect Neckbreaker gets 2.  Perfect continues to control and Beefcake appears to be out on his feet.  Out of nowhere, Brutus grabs Perfect’s legs and slingshots him into the post and gets the three count. 

Postmatch: Perfect bails and the Genius gets another haircut.

BL:  Perfect was limited to what he could do being in the ring with Brutus.  Crowd loved Beefcake going over though.  * ½

- We get a video setup to the Bad News/Piper feud.

- Mean Gene talks to a half white/half black Roddy Piper.  Leave it to the Rowdy One to solve race relations.

Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Bad News Brown

Prematch note:  Jesse sees a “Piper for PM sign” and mentions that it’s “Jesse for president” in the States.  At the time, I thought he was joking.  Who knew?  To the match… Weeeellll it’s the Big Stall to start.  The two finally collide but Danny Davis separates them.  Then the same thing happens again.  Finally, Davis gives up trying to control them and Bad News gets the advantage.  Piper no-sells the turnbuckle shots but gets slowed by a nerve grip.  Bad News drops Piper and gets a 2 count.  Bad News with an elbow gets another 2.  Brown removes the turnbuckle pad while the ref isn’t looking.  Bad News tries to whip Piper into the exposed corner but gets whipped into it himself.  OH THE IRONY!  Piper puts on a glove and begins to slug away.  They fight to the outside and we get a double countout?!?

BL:  Wrestlemania is supposed to be where feuds are settled.  Horrible booking here and I’ll assume this had to be settled on a Sat. Night’s Main Event.  I don’t care enough to verify.  ½ *

- The late Steve Allen has fun with the Bolsheviks in the men’s room.

The Bolsheviks vs. The Hart Foundation

Russians sing.  Harts hit their finisher.  Good night nurse!

BL:  Another example of Bret using heel tactics as a face.  Match was a waste of my time, let’s move on.  DUD

Barbarian vs. Tito Santana

Jesse gets the obligatory Mexican food = indigestion crack as the match begins.  Tito starts off hot and sends Barbarian to the floor.  High cross body by Tito gets a 2 count.  Barbarian gains the advantage with a big boot.  Shoulderblock by Barbarian.  Barbarian goes up top but misses with an elbow.  Flying forearm by Santana.  It looks like it’s over but Heenan puts Barbarian’s foot on the ropes before the ref gets to 3.  Barbarian hits his top rope clothesline and gets the win.

BL:  Not bad but too short to be worth anything.  **

- Video recap of the Dusty/Macho feud

- Mooney interviews Fatty McCellulite and Tons of Fun

Mixed Tag Team Match: Dusty Rhodes and Sapphire vs. Macho Man and Sherri

Prematch note: Fink announces Dusty and Sappher at 465 lbs. and Jesse IMMEDIATELY points out this glaring error.  Must be that Canadian conversion.  Man, I don’t know if Jesse and Rhodes had legit heat in real life but Jesse was always VICIOUS towards Dusty during his matches.  Which isn’t to say that most of it wasn’t accurate.  The match is underway now and Sapphire is using her ASSets to get the advantage over Sherri.  Sherri comes back and tries to slam Sapphire.  Wasn’t she watching the Hercules match?  The men are in now and Macho sends Dusty to the floor.  Both Savage and Sherri pummel Dusty on the floor.  Gorilla and Jesse are now having a heated debate over the rules of mixed tag matches.  Funny stuff!  Back in the ring, Savage continues the attack with a scepter shot to the back of Dusty.  When Dusty starts his comeback Sherri comes in to stop him.  Both women in now and they scuffle back and forth.  Finish comes with Elizabeth (who was brought down by the Fattys) shoving Sherri and Sapphire rolling her up for the win.

BL:  Horrible use of Macho Man.  Slow and formulaic.  Commentary was the only bright spot.  -*

- Mean Gene interviews Bobby Heenan.

- Gorilla and Ventura talk aboot nothing with Rona Barrett

- Sean Mooney talks to an irate Macho Man.  Sherri howls in the background

- Mean Gene chats with Our Hero! Hulk Hogan

- Sean Mooney gets shoved aside so The Raving Lunatic can offer his thoughts

The Orient Express vs. The Rockers

Marty Janetty and Tanaka start off but that’s short lived as soon all 4 men are in there.  Rockers dazzle the crowd with their double team maneuvers.  Janetty is dropped to the floor as Fuji used the cane to pull the top rope.  Janetty comes back in but gets wailed on by Tanaka.  Sato in now and hits Marty with some ORIENTAL VIOLENCE.  Janetty manages to flip over Sato and tag Shawn in.  Shawn is a ball of fire but is soon slowed by a kick from Tanaka on the outside.  The Express work over Shawn for a while.  The announcers note that both Shawn and Marty seem lethargic.  Hmmm, could it be DRUGS??  Shawn finally tags Marty who takes out both of the Express.  Janetty goes up top but Fuji taps him with his cane.  Marty comes down looking to do a number on Fuji.  Sato though comes up from behind and nails Marty with some salt.  Blinded, Janetty stumbles into the crowd and gets counted out.

BL:  Nice little match until we get the cheap salt in the wound finish that really puzzled the crowd.  ** ¼

Dino Bravo vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan

Duggan shows his idiocy by waving the US flag in Skydome.  Brilliant Jim!  Major stalling at the beginning so I’ll take the time to point out that Gorilla complains about Earthquake being at ringside saying “You can’t have both a manager’s license and a wrestler’s license”.  Nevermind the fact that Dusty’s manager Sapphire just wrestled not 2 matches ago.  Anyways, match finally starts and it’s all Duggan.  A missed charge into the corner turns the tide for Bravo.  Line of the Night Award:   “You know, I just plain don’t like Hacksaw.  You know why?  He’s so UGLY!” – Jesse Ventura.  Dino continues to stomp away on Duggan.  Hacksaw comes back though with a couple of clotheslines.  Duggan goes for the 3-point stance but Earthquake grabs his leg.  While the ref yells at Earthquake, Hacksaw gets his 2 x 4 and nails Dino with it.  That’s enough for the win. 

Postmatch: Earthquake jumps Duggan after the match and butt splashes him.  GOOD!

BL:  Another pointless match that had Duggan winning by the 2 x 4 again!  Match was used to put over Earthquake, if you can understand that one.  ½ *

- Video recap of the Jake/Million feud

- Mean Gene interviews Roberts.  Okerlund compares Jake’s words to Longfellow’s.  That’s rich!

Million Dollar Championship Match: Jake “the Snake” Roberts vs. Million Dollar Man

Shoving match to start.  Jake tries to get the DDT on Dibiase a few times in the early minutes.  Jake gives up on that idea and decides to work on Dibiase’s arm with a hammerlock.  We get an anatomy lesson from Professor Gorilla during the resthold.  A missed high knee by Jake gives Dibiase the advantage.  Dibiase stomps on Jake’s head.  We slow things down AGAIN with a front facelock by Million.  The crowd amuses itself with 2 different Waves.  Dibiase hits Jake with a piledriver.  Nonchalant cover by Dibiase gets 2 and then reversed into a pinning combination for Jake who also gets a nearfall.  Dibiase slaps on the Million Dollar Dream which drops Roberts but right onto the ropes.  Tide is turned when Dibiase gets caught trying to come off the 2^nd rope.  Jake is a house of fire now while a huge DDT chant rings through the Skydome.  Jake sets up Dibiase for the DDT but Virgil pulls Roberts out.  Dibiase follows them out and puts the Dream on Jake again.  Jake posts Dibiase and they’re both down and out.  Virgil rolls Dibiase back into the ring and Million gets the countout victory and his Million Dollar Belt. 

Postmatch: Jake cleans house and spreads Dibiase’s money to the ringside fans, including Mary Tyler Moore who looks like she got a haircut from Beefcake.

BL:  Match was a little slow to start but built up nicely until we get the crapola finish.  These two were among my favorites at this point and I was disappointed that the bookers couldn’t give the fans something better than that.  ***

Big Boss Man vs. Akeem

The Twin Towers explode!  Not quite the draw power that the MegaPowers had.  Slick improves the quality of this match by getting funky with his bad self during Akeem’s intro.  Ted Dibiase, who had stayed behind from the previous match, blindsides the Bossman before the bell.  Nice setup to a feud that never happened.  Akeem picks up where Dibiase left off and avalanches the Bossman.  Akeem goes up for a 10 punch count but Bossman counters it with a reverse atomic drop (!).  Bossman follows it up with a big boot.  Bossman finishes it off with the Bossman slam.

BL:  Huh?  That made no sense.  If you’re going to go through all that beatdown of the Big Bossman don’t have him win 2 minutes later.  Better booking is a Bossman squash followed by an attack by Dibiase afterwards.  Oh yeah, in case you’re wondering… DUD

- Sean Mooney interviews some Canadian ponces about Rhythm and Blues’ new single.

Rhythm and Blues, Jimmy Hart, and the Honkettes come out in a Pink Cadillac drove by Diamond Dallas Page.  No joke!  Rhythm and Blues then perform “Hunka Hunka Hunka Honky Love”.  Milli Vanilli they’re not!  Then to add to the excitement, The Bushwackers “disguised” as vendors destroy the equipment.  Pretty elaborate to further a Bushwackers feud.  Next!

Ravishing Rick Rude vs. “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka

Prematch note: Steve Allen joins the commentary team but says nothing important or humorous.  Rude dominates after a Pearl Harbor attack.  A missed dropkick by Rude gives Snuka a chance to comeback.  Snuka whips Rude to the ropes and then launches him into the air.  Audience is then blessed to get to see Snuka mock Rude’s poses.  Snuka drops his head and Rude catches him with a suplex.  Rude and Snuka criss-cross each other.  That ends with a Snuka flying headbutt.  Snuka goes to the top rope, Rude approaches him, Snuka jumps over him and then catches him with a powerslam.  Snuka goes up again but misses the headbutt.  Rude hits the Rude Awakening and ends it.

BL:  Purely a match that was meant to get Rude on the show.  Not terrible but nothing noteworthy.  *

- Video recap showing what led up to The Ultimate Challenge.  I notice they show Warrior hitting Hogan from behind on SNME but fail to show Hogan knocking Warrior out of the Rumble.

Main Event: Hulk Hogan (WWF champ) vs. The Ultimate Warrior (IC champ)

Warrior sprints down the aisle, which Ventura thinks is a mistake.  Hulk takes his grand old time getting there.  Huge staredown to start things off.  Warrior shoves Hogan.  Hogan shoves Warrior.  We get some more tit for tat action for the next few minutes.  We get to the Patented Hogan-Warrior criss-cross that leads to a Hogan powerslam.  Warrior no-sells it.  Criss-cross again and Warrior gives the powerslam this time.  Hogan sells it!?!  Clothesline by Warrior sends Hogan to the floor.  Hulk feigns a knee injury on the outside.  Warrior works the knee until Hogan rakes the eye.  Total Hogan offense now.  Things slow down with a reverse chinlock by Hogan.  That doesn’t work so Hogan attacks him some more and then goes back to the chinlock.  Finally Warrior starts to summon his “spirits” and breaks free.  Off the ropes, they hit the SYNCROHNIZED clotheslines.  Warrior comes on strong now with three clotheslines.  Warrior does his share of lengthening the match by slapping a bearhug on Hogan.  Hulk punches his way out.  Warrior off the ropes, charges, misses Hogan but nails Hebner.  Warrior seems to be in full control until he goes for a shouldertackle but gets planted face-first into the mat by Hogan.  Hogan goes for the pin but the ref is still out.  OH THE IRONY!  Warrior back up, gets a back suplex.  He pins Hogan and after a long period Hebner makes his way over but only gets a 2 count.  Rollup by Hogan gets 2.  Crowd is going apeshit.  Hogan clotheslines Warrior to the floor.  Hogan follows him and they both try to post the other.  Hogan ends up meeting the pole.  Warrior hits a clothesline and the gorilla press slam.  Warrior gets the big splash but it only gets 2.  Hogan POPS up.  Mr. Invincible says he aint ready to lose.  He shakes his finger at the Warrior.  Hogan gets his punches and big boot.  Here comes the dreaded legdrop.  It’s all over folks, g’night.  No wait!!  Warrior moves, hits the big splash and gets the three count!  Warrior wins!  Hogan blames God as that is possibly the only force stronger than Fake n’ Bake.

BL:  Well this match was so textbook that I got high off the highlighter fumes BUT the emotion and electricity was off the page.  A match to remember!  *** ½

Final Thought:  Looking back, star values on most matches weren’t great at all.  Having said that, I always enjoy watching this show as it’s pretty entertaining.  Certainly worth watching at least once.  Repeat viewing will depend on the individual.

Next time, there must be a full moon as some strange occurances take place.  Tune in to find out what all went down.

E-MAIL ADAM
BROWSE THE OOLD TYME ARCHIVES

Originally from Cleveland, Adam is now a graduate student at the University of Dayton who is looking to make a couple extra bucks writing this column. What do you mean Rick doesn't pay his columnists?

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