by Adam Gutschmidt
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I’m back from Spring Break, relaxed, refreshed and ready to look back at one of my favorite shows.

- Emanating from The Spectrum in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

- Your commentators are Vince McMahon and “Rowdy” Roddy Piper.  Goodbye Jesse, we hardly knew ye.

Opening match: The Rockers vs. Power and Glory

Vince says this will be a humdinger!  Is that anything like a slobberknocker or a rocketbuster?  To the match… Big brawl on the floor to start and Hercules takes out Shawn Michaels’ knee with his chain.  Michaels already had a knee injury so this was the way to write it into storylines.  Inside, Marty Janetty now faces a handicap match but stays strong.  There’s a half off sale on hiptosses and Janetty is giving them out to everyone.  Janetty continues to successfully use the divide and conquer tactic with some quick offense.  Janetty dumps Hercules to the floor but then gets attacked by Paul Roma.  Shawn is just now struggling to get to his feet but Hercules decides to kick him right back down.  What a guy!  Roma and Herc now do some nice double-teaming to gain the advantage.  Powerslam by Herc.  Janetty reverses a second one into a small package for a 2 count.  Roma in now and hits a backbreaker on Janetty.  Janetty whips Roma and then catches him with a powerslam.  Janetty goes up top and nails Roma.  Pin attempt broken up by Herc.  Power and Glory are able to double team Janetty unmercifully now.  They hit their AWESOME superplex/splash combo aka the Powerplex and it’s all over.  P & G get a decent pop from the heel friendly Philly crowd. 

Postmatch: Power and Glory continue the attack on Michaels who gets the stretcher job afterwards.

Bottom Line:  Decent match for being a handicap match.  Action was relatively fast paced and crisp.  Also got Power and Glory over but that didn’t last for long.  ** ¾

- Sean Mooney interviews Mr. Perfect and the Weas…er…Brain.  Bobby predicts that there won’t be much of a storm tonight.  He might not be a meteorologist but he’s probably as likely to be correct as they are.

- Mean Gene gets thoughts from newcomer The Texas Tornado

Intercontinental Title Match: Mr. Perfect (champ) vs. Texas Tornado

Backstory note: This was supposed to be Brutus Beefcake’s title shot but he had a previous engagement with some jagged rocks, so we get Kerry instead.  Could be worse.  Lockup to begin followed by a huge shove by Texas Tornado.  It’s huge only because Perfect sold it like only Perfect can.  Perfect goes outside for a breather.  Back in, he hits a hiptoss on the Tornado.  Perfect sends the Tornado to the corner and chops him.  A Perfect whip is reversed and Tornado hits a hiptoss, powerslam and clothesline.  BING, BANG, BOOM!  Perfect bails again.  Back in, Texas works the arm.  Perfect comes back with a clothesline and the Perfect Neckbreaker.  Perfect then hits a sleeper on the Tornado.  Perfect sends Tornado to the corner and starts talking smack.  Perfect then walks away and jaws at the crowd.  When he turns around again, he’s greeted with a slingshot into the post from the Tornado.  Tornado then tries to read Perfect’s mind.  Oh wait, he’s actually applying that crappy clawhold. One super lame discus punch later and we have a new cham-peen.

BL:  At the time, this was a stunner to me.  Actually, I still can’t believe that Perfect jobbed to peg-leg.  Too short to be anything decent. *

- MG wants to interview Sapphire but we get the classic ranting and ravings of Bobby Heenan instead.  Bobby was always at his best following a big loss.

Sensational Queen Sherri vs. Sapphire

I want everyone who watches this tape to note the referee in this match.  This guy puts RVD to shame with the stoned look on his face.  It’s priceless!  It’s no surprise that this was the only PPV I saw this ref at.  Anyway, I should be paying attention to the match.  Hey, where’s Sapphire?  What she no shows?  I’m soooo upset.  She must still be at Cap’n Taco since they have that 100 tacos for $100 deal going on right now.  Sherri wins by forfeit and she’s lucky because there is NO way she could have wrestled in that outfit. 

- Mean Gene interviews Big Dust who is puzzled to Sapphire’s whereabouts.  He asks Hacksaw if he’s found her but he doesn’t have a clue.  With people like Duggan on the case, we have a better chance of finding Jon Benet’s killer than we do of finding Sappher.

Tito Santana vs. Warlord

Well I guess the thinking here is that if Tito could get one Power of Pain over (see WM 6), that he certainly could get the other one over as well.  Actually if memory serves me correct, Tito was originally supposed to face Rick Martel but Rick had to attend an “emergency fashion show” so we get this instead.  Santana starts with a headlock.  Dropkick sends Warlord to the floor.  Back in Warlord catches Tito with a powerslam.  Tito off the ropes once more and gets caught again.  This time he wises up though and punches out and into a pin attempt.  2 count for that try.  Angered, Warlord sends Santana to the outside and then rams his back into the post.  Slick comes over and tries to attack Tito with his shoe.  (Insert foot odor joke here).  Back in, Warlord whips Santana to the corner but EATS HEEL when he charges.  Clothesline gets 2 for Tito.  Tito hits the flying forearm but Warlord gets his foot on the rope before the 3 count.  Tito goes for a monkey flip out of the corner but gets tossed.  Warlord hits the running (although I would hardly count two steps as running) powerslam for the win.

BL:  Match was almost a carbon copy of Tito’s match with the Barbarian.  Nothing special here.  * ½

- Mooney interviews Demolition and gets confused when they describe the intricacies of having 3 members.  Then again, Mooney gets confused making microwave popcorn.  Crush calls the Legion of Doom, “second-rate imposters”.  That’s a good one Crush!

2 out of 3 Falls Tag Team Title Match: Demolition (champs) vs. The Hart Foundation

Smash and Crush get the call for Demoltion tonight.  Bret and Smash start off but that doesn’t last long as their respective partners join the fun.  It’s now a MELEE in there.  Harts dumps Crush and double team Smash.  Rollup by Bret gets two.  Quick tags by the Harts as they work on Smash’s arm.  A powerslam by Smash allows him to tag in Crush.  Crossbody attempt by Bret is reversed into a powerslam for Crush.  Crush then whips Bret into the corner but gets a foot when he charges.  Anvil gets the tag and immediately works on Crush.  Smash kicks Anvil from the outside to slow him down.  Crush whips Anvil to the corner but again gets kicked when he charges.  Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on ME!  Both men tag and Bret is a house of fire.  Bret starts hitting his Trademark 5 on Smash while Anvil and Crush brawl on the outside.  2nd rope elbow drop by Bret gets a 2 before Crush breaks it up.  Demos then hit the Demolition Decapitator on Bret and get the first fall.

Fall #2

Demos are allowed to continue double-teaming while Neidhart jaws with Earl Hebner.  Crush in now.  He hits a snapmare and follows it up with a chinlock.  Bret doesn’t stay in it long.  A clothesline by Bret allows him to C R A W L to Neidhart.  Bret overcomes a feeble attempt by Crush to stop him and makes the tag.  Anvil comes in and cleans house.  Neidhart tags Bret back in.  Bret whips the Anvil into Smash.  They then hit Smash with the Hart Attack and it looks like a sure 3 count.  BUT, Crush runs in and hits the ref to draw a DQ.  WTF??  Odd booking there.  I could see that booking working if they played up the “inexperience” angle with Crush, leading to him being fired by Ax and Smash but Demolition was a wash at this point and no one cared.

Fall #3

We’re knotted up at one apiece forcing that 3rd fall.  GO FIGURE!  Crush immediately hits Bret to the outside.  Smash and Crush distract the referee while Ax walks to ringside and climbs under the ring.  Hmmm…  Bret back in with a sunset flip attempt.  He gets 2.  Anvil comes in and powerslams Bret onto Smash.  Bret knocks Smash to the floor.  Smash comes back in fully rested, with a haircut and fresh makeup.  Oh wait, upon looking at him real hard, I think it might actually be Ax!  C’mon Earl, open your eyes!  Ax comes in and immediately takes over on offense.  The offense includes him whipping Bret chest first into the corner HARD!  Bret falls to the outside where both Ax and the hiding Smash beat him up.  Bret is rolled back in where the Demos continue the beatdown.  Suddenly, those second rate imposters, the Legion of Doom, come down and beat up the hiding Ax.  Meanwhile in the ring, Anvil tackles Crush and Bret rolls him up for the 3 count.  New champions!! 

BL:  Well, I’ll ignore the preposterousness of the three Demolition angle and appreciate the action of the match and the massive electricity surrounding it.  *** ¾

- Promo for WM 7 at the L.A. Coliseum.  Damn that bomb threat!

- Mean Gene chats with the LOD and the new tag champs.

- Mooney is unable to get a word with the irate Demolition crew.

- Gene listens to Sherri brag about her win.  Sherri also says she’s heard rumors about Sapphire. 

- Sean tries to converse with Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Nikolai Volkoff over Sapphire’s whereabouts.  God, this is brutally awful.  And what’s worse is that you can tell they are reading off cue cards.

- Gene interviews Earthquake and Co.  Did Quake ever stand still for a promo?

- Mooney talks to Jake Roberts.  This interview is unintentionally funny as Damian nearly chokes Jake to death while he’s talking.

FINALLY WE HIT THE RING!

Jake “the Snake” Roberts vs. Bad News Brown.  Special guest referee: Big Bossman

This was the feud that had Bad News bringing Harlem Sewer Rats to counteract Damian.  Bad News whips Jake to the corner but misses a charge.  Roberts goes for the DDT but Brown bails.  Hiptoss by Bad News.  Brown tries to pick up Jake but he appears to be having some legit back problems.  Brown adlibs and hits a legdrop.  Cocky pin gets him a 2 count.  While Brown argues with the Bossman, Jake goes for the DDT again.  Brown again evades it.  Both men to the floor now as Bad News nails Snake with a chair.  Bossman sees nothing of course.  He pioneered the way for all future referees.  Back in, Jake gets whipped to the corner hard.  Jake responds with a big F U to Bad News and I don’t mean John Cena’s finisher!  That wakes the Philly crowd up.  Bad News goes to the second rope but misses coming off.  Jake punches away and hits a short clothesline.  Bad News reverses a DDT attempt into a back bodydrop.  Bad News kicks Jake to the outside and nails him with a chair again.  This time Bossman sees it and calls for the DQ.  Afterwards, Bad News tries to legdrop Damian but Bossman makes the save.  Thus, setting up a feud that went nowhere.  That makes 2 PPVs in a row that that has happened to the Bossman.  (See Dibiase, Ted)

BL:  Well this match was a mess all over.  I have no idea why Bossman was out there.  They never showed the sewer rats.  Jake’s back was all messed up.  Let’s just move on and never speak of this match again.  DUD

- Another ad for WM 7.  That shot of Dusty on the garbage truck is priceless.

- Demolition allows Mean Gene to talk to them.  They must have something against Mooney.

Brother Love Show with special guest with Sgt. Slaughter

Sarge presents Blubber Love with a special gold medal.  And here you all thought that Kurt Angle was pro wrestling’s first gold medalists.  OK, we get it, you hate America.  Puke this, slime that, blah blah blah!  NEXT!

- Mooney interrupts a Fuji interview with BREAKING NEWS…

- Gene has found Sapphire but she slams the door in his face.  I don’t blame her one bit!

Orient Express vs. Hacksaw Jim Duggan and Nikolai Volkoff

And just when you thought it couldn’t get worse, Hacksaw and Volkoff “sing” God Bless America.  Somehow I don’t see how this pays homage to our country.  The Orient Express jump them about 30 seconds too late. They aren’t too successful though as Hacksaw and Volkoff turn the tide and hit atomic drops on both members of the Express.  Volkoff tries to powerslam Tanaka but Sato is in for the save.  Now all 4 men are back in there again.  The Express double team Nikolai as the ref escorts Duggan out.  Heel kick by Sato.  Tanaka in now but he misses a splash.  Lukewarm tag to Duggan.  Duggan goes to town on both members of the Express.  Nikolai comes back in and the faces whip Tanaka and Sato into each other.  Duggan hits the 3-point stance clothesline and gets the win.

BL:  Awful match that thankfully was short.  DUD

- Gene has been standing vigilantly at Sapphire’s door.  Wow, a whole 5 minutes.  Dusty comes to get her for his match but she won’t come out.  Dusty is worried sick.  SICK!

- Mooney talks to Macho Man from atop his throne.  Savage mentions he’s heard rumors about Sapphire too.  Hmmm

Macho Man Randy Savage vs. Dusty Rhodes

Well as Macho makes his way to ringside, the Million Dollar Man comes out on the stage to reveal he’s bought Sapphire.  This was for the one rube left who hadn’t figured it out weeks ago.  Dusty is distraught but can’t cope with his feelings as Savage commences with kicking the crap out of the American Blob.  Even Sherri gets in some choking while Savage distracts the ref.  Dusty gets some token punches and elbows in.  He even manages a standing dropkick (!!!) that sends Macho Man to the floor.  Sherri hands Savage the DREADED loaded purse, which he nails Dusty with it to get the 1-2-3.

BL:  Very, very bad.  Only bright spot was that this ended the Savage/Dusty feud and Macho could move onto bigger and better things.  -*

- Backstage, we get the poorest made segment EVER.  Sean Mooney talks with Million as he, Virgil and Sapphire get into his limo.  Dusty is supposed to come back there and stop them but the limo pulls away before he can get there.  The problem… before Dusty pops out, you can see him standing and waiting for his cue to go.  Mooney makes the segment even funnier by delivering the line “If only he would have gotten here sooner” in a deadpan manner.

- Gene talks to Hogan who dedicates this upcoming match to the Shockmaster.  Awww.  Hogan also claims that he’s never told a lie.  Sure Terry, sure.

Hulk Hogan w/Big Bossman vs. Earthquake w/Dino Bravo and Jimmy Hart

Lockup to start.  Small shove by Hogan.  Lockup again.  Big shove by Quake.  End the match now, Earthquake has clearly shown superiority.  Hogan goes for an early slam but that doesn’t work.  Quake takes the advantage now.  He whips Hulk to the corner and he collapses from the cough cough impact.  Hulk boots Quake as he charges.  Hulk comes back now with a series of punches that culminates in a comical wind-up Popeye punch.  Quake rolls to the outside and Hulk follows.  Quake and Hogan, along with the cornermen all brawl on the floor.  Back in, Hogan and Bossman double team.  As Hebner tells the Bossman to shoo, Dino and Quake powerslam Hogan.  It’s all Earthquake now.  Quake applies a Boston Crab to Hogan.  Hogan gets the ropes and rolls to the floor.  Quake powerslams Hogan on the outside.  Back in, Hogan tries to mount an offense.  Hulk goes for the slam again but Quake falls on top of him.  That gets a 2 ¾ count.  Bearhug by Quake allows me to take a snack break.  Snack of choice tonight: pretzels.  Back to the match, Hogan rips the shirt of Earl Hebner.  Why did he always do that??  Hulk fights his way out.  Shouldertackle by Hogan is reversed into a slam by Quake.  Quake hits the Big Butt Splash and quickly follows it with a second.  Ref counts but WE GOT a POP up from Hogan.  Hulk shakes his finger, rendering Quake helpless.  Hulk finally gets the powerslam.  Legdrop by Hogan.  Enter Jimmy Hart stage left.  Hogan tosses Hart out onto Quake.  Hulk slams Quake on a table that has somehow appeared out of nowhere.  It must have been brought to ringside by the same elves that mysteriously remove those steps when Undertaker drives down on his cycle.  Hulk rolls back in and gets the EL CHEAPO countout victory.  Hulk then jumps up and down like a 6 year old when he wins.  Our Hero!  Quake jumps him afterwards but Bossman saves with a stepladder that leave some NASTY welts on Quake’s back.

BL:  Standard Hogan vs. Big Man fare.  Sadly since Hulk didn’t pin Quake (who knows why not) it means there is more of this feud to come.  YAY!  * ½

- Mooney discusses the main event with challenger Rick Rude and Bobby Heenan.  Line of the night honors go to Rude when discussing how Rocky Balboa won in the same building:  “That was Hollywood.  THIS is reality.”  Riiiiigh.

- Gene consoles Dusty Rhodes who says it’s all about EMOTION.  He also confesses that he offered up his innocence to Sapphire.  Ewwww!

- Lord Alfred gives us a lesson in the construction of a steel cage.  Yawn.

- Gene gets a celebratory promo from Hogan.  Hulk babbles about nothing more than usual and ends it with pretending he’s driving a motorcycle backwards.  Ooooo Kaaay.

- Ring crew is still setting up the cage so let’s talk to more people…

- Mooney listens to the rants of Earthquake and Jimmy Hart

- Gene chats with the Raving Lunatic who tries a lame attempt at humor.

Steel Cage Match for the WWF Championship:  Ultimate Warrior (champ) vs. Ravishing Rick Rude

We are blessed with another and ultimately final “Summerslam sweathogs” promo by Rude.  Warrior nearly destroys the cage during his entrance.  Warrior enters by climbing up and over.  Rude meets him at the top but gets punched down by Warrior.  It’s all Warrior to begin as he’s tossing Rude into the cage like a rag doll.  Piper comes up with the idea that Rude should tie Warrior’s bands to the bars.  Pretty smart idea coming from a man in a dress.  Warrior charges but EATS STEEL as Rude ducks out of the way.  Rude makes an escape attempt to no avail.  Rick shows signs of a tiny crimson mask.  Warrior gets some rough cage treatment by Rude.  Rude goes for the Rude Awakening but Warrior breaks free.  Warrior goes for the splash but Rick gets his legs up.  Rude then hits the Rude Awakening.  Heenan is screaming for Rude to escape but Rude wants glory!  He climbs to the top and hits a forearm on Warrior.  Again Rude climbs up but this time Warrior hits him as Rude jumps down.  Oh the irony!  Warrior begins to climb out the door but Bobby slams it on his head.  Rude covers him but only gets a 2 count.  Is there anyway we can get some legislation passed to BAN pinfalls in steel cage matches.  Rude hits a shoulderblock that leaves both men down on the mat.  Rick crawls for the door.  Heenan and Warrior play tug of war with Rude.  Warrior wins and moons Rick in the process.  Get Bozell on the phone stat!  Rude clotheslines Warrior but that’s the last of his offense.  Warrior does that seizure thing followed by his usual squash moveset.  Warrior climbs up, mocks Rude and reaches the floor.

BL:  OK match but it didn’t have any heat or backstory to it to make it interesting.  Plus, Rude was on his way out so it’s not like there was any mystery as to who was going to win this won.  **

Final thought:  This has to be one of the most unintentionally funny PPV’s ever.  From the Sapphire vignette, to Hogan’s postmatch promo.  From Jake’s FU, to the stoned referee.  A lot of hearty laughs but only a handful of watchable matches.  Watch it for entertainment value and not match value.

Next time, when life gives you a giant egg, the WWF gives you the Gobbledy-Gooker!

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Time Rasslin Revue.    
 

E-MAIL ADAM
BROWSE THE OOLD TYME ARCHIVES

Originally from Cleveland, Adam is now a graduate student at the University of Dayton who is looking to make a couple extra bucks writing this column. What do you mean Rick doesn't pay his columnists?

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