by Adam Gutschmidt
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Roddy “Let’s kick some Iracky butt!” Piper

Opening Match: Orient Express vs. The Rockers

Prematch note: This was the PPV debut of the repackaged Orient Express with masked wrestler Kato (Paul Diamond) replacing Sato.  The Express jump the Rockers before the bell.  Double back body drop by the Express on Shawn.  Marty, who had been tossed out of the ring, comes back in and saves his partner.  Rockers do some double teaming of their own.  Order finally is restored and Janetty and Kato start off.  Janetty gets a headlock and JUST WON’T LET GO despite Kato’s efforts.  Kato and Marty do a nice little back and forth sequence that goes too quick for me to write it all.  Backslide by Marty gets 2.  Cheapshot by Tanaka gives Kato a brief advantage.  Tanaka gets tagged in.  Rockers begin to work on Tanaka’s arm.  An out of nowhere flying forearm by Tanaka turns the tide for the Express.  Tanaka slaps on a chinlock.  Gorilla mentions the winner of this match gets a shot at the Hart Foundation.  Well that was a big fat LIE!  We were forced to see the Nasty Boys take on the Harts at Wrestlemania 7.  Back to the match, Michaels has elbowed his way out of the chinlock.  Kato tagged back in and Shawn rams both their heads together.  D’OH!  High knee by Shawn.  Michaels now hits a chinlock of his own on Tanaka.  Wow, you can hear a few idiots in the crowd doing a “We will, we will rock you” chant.  “ROCK you”, get it?  Nice to see Jim Duggan flew his family down for the event.  Tanaka gets out of the chinlock only to get caught mere seconds later in a sleeper.  Kato hits Shawn from behind to make the save.  Both men are down and Tanaka’s up first.  Tanaka hits a sweet leg sweep and takes control.  Michaels comes back with a 10-punch count in the corner.  Kato comes in and tries to attack but Shawn hits a moonsault on him.  Amazing!  All four men in now as the Rockers whip the Express and make them do-se-do.  The Express try doing the same on the Rockers but they aren’t fooled and double dropkick the Express to the floor instead.  Rockers go up top and launch themselves on top of the Express.  Monsoon mentions, “A pat on the back is only 18 inches away from a kick in the pants.”  So that’s why Barry Horowitz lost so much!  Michaels goes for a monkey flip but the Express double team him and drop him onto the top rope.  Ref gets distracted by Marty which allows Fuji to get a cane shot on Michaels.  The Express hit that leapfrog/splash finisher of theirs.  Janetty breaks up the pin.  Express continues to wear down Michaels.  Kato whips Shawn, who does his flip to the outside sell when hitting the turnbuckle.  Just as Shawn gets his bearings on the apron, Tanaka gives him a heel kick to send him back in the ring.  The Express tries to double clothesline Michaels with Kato’s belt but Shawn lands on the belt, which sends the Express’ heads crashing into each other.  Nice spot!  FINALLY, Shawn makes the tag to Janetty.  Careful, it’s hot!  Janetty goes to work on both Tanaka and Kato.  Both teams get a few near falls.  Shawn goes up top but Tanaka hits Marty into Shawn and that sends him to the floor.  That was a manly bump!  Kato slingshots Marty into a chop by Tanaka.  They try that move again but Michaels hits Tanaka and Marty delivers a sunset flip to him when he is slingshot.  The sunset flip gets a 3 count.  What a finish!

Bottom Line:  Wow, this was a tough match to recap because of the pace.  I left out a ton of stuff that was also very good.  Great match with a lot of innovative bumps.  The intermixed rest holds took the crowd out of it at times but I don’t fault the Rockers or the Orient Express since they needed those rest holds.  *** ½ 

- Sean Mooney interviews Macho Man.  Savage says he’s the #1 contender.  He also mentions that Sgt. Slaughter has promised him a title shot if he wins.  Mooney asks about a promise from the Warrior to which Macho says he’s about to get.  This leads us to…

- Sensational Sherri coming out with Mean Gene to the stage.  She calls out the Warrior to get a promise from him.  Warrior comes out and Sherri begins to beg.  She even gets on her knees.  Had I known the sexual references then that I do now, I may have stopped watching wrestling right then and there.  Warrior goes spasmodic at the thought of Sherri coming onto him and he tells her NOOOO!  I have a feeling that decision is going to come back to bite him in the ass.

- In the back, Savage goes bezerk

The Barbarian vs. The Big Boss Man

Storyline here is that Bobby Heenan kept making cracks about Bossman’s mom so he was going through Heenan’s stable.  Big stallfest to start.  Barbarian punches away on Bossman to begin.  Bossman comes back with a big boot.  Big Suplex by Barbarian.  Backbreaker by Barbarian gets 2.  Oh boy, here comes the bearhug.  Bossman punches his way out only to get knocked down right away.  Barbarian goes right back to the bearhug.  A few headbutts and some biting frees the Bossman.  Borrowing moves from the Bushwackers moveset is NEVER a good thing.  Bossman comes back with an enziguri that rattles Barbarian and finally drops him.  Bossman does the zombie sit-up and covers Barbarian.  He gets a 2 count.  Double KO spot when both men headbutt each other.  Barbarian up first and hits the top rope clothesline.  Bossman gets a foot on the ropes before ref can count to 3.  Bossman hits the Bossman Slam out of nowhere and then he celebrates.  When he covers, Barbarian kicks out at 2.  As Jet Li would say, “THAT was a mistake!”  Barbarian hits a piledriver on Bossman.  Barbarian goes for the top rope clothesline again but Bossman rolls through it and gets the 3.  Afterwards, Bobby Heenan leaves quicker than fans do during a Billy Gunn match.

BL:  Well despite both of these guys’ limitations, they put on an ok match.  I would have liked more involvement from Heenan considering he was the reason for this match.  But, such is life.  * ¼

- We get a montage of fans thoughts on who will win the championship match.  All of them pick the Warrior.  In other news, grass green.  More at 11.

- Mooney chats with Sgt. Slaughter.  Adnan babbles on incoherently.  For the numbers: Times Slaughter says “puke”: 5, “maggots”: 2

- Mean Gene talks with the Warrior.  As usual, his promo frightens me deeply.

WWF Championship Match: The Ultimate Warrior (champ) vs. Sgt. Slaughter

Warrior comes running down and destroys Slaughter and his dune coon manager.  Warrior then rips up the Iraqi flag for good measure.  USA all the way bah-bay!  Warrior then uses the flagpole on Slaughter to which Hebner looks the other way.  Back body drop by the Warrior.  Sarge does his trademark corner bump to the outside.  Warrior follows him out as Sherri makes her way down to ringside.  Warrior tosses Slaughter back inside and begins his 30-second squash set.  Sherri grabs Warrior’s leg as he goes off the ropes.  Warrior chases Sherri down the aisle where he gets BLASTED by a hiding Macho Man.  Macho attacks Warrior with a big standing light and then runs.  By the way, Warrior would have certainly been counted out but Slaughter keeps stopping him from counting.  Earl Hebner has this medical condition where if he’s counting and someone distracts him for a second he forgets his place and has to start over again.  It’s a damn shame, I tell ya.  Sarge finally throws the Warrior back into the ring and begins to start laying into the Warrior with the dreaded curved horned boots.  Backbreaker by Slaughter.  Double clothesline and both men are down.  Sarge pops up but flops back down when he sees the Warrior isn’t up yet.  Whoops!  Finally, both men get back up and Slaughter slaps on a bearhug.  After what seems like an eternity, Warrior fights out of it.  Powerslam by Warrior, but he hurts his back in the process.  Sarge goes back to working on the…well…back.  Slaughter then moves Warrior so that his feet are under the ropes (??) and puts on the camel clutch.  Referee obviously sees this and tells Sarge to break the hold.  Slaughter thinks he has won.  He sure did a lot of premature celebrating in his matches.  Slaughter then argues with Hebner which gives Warrior time to regain his strength.  Warrior begins his 30-second squash set again which prompts Sherri’s return.  Warrior grabs her and gorilla press slams her onto a returning Macho Man.  Slaughter, from behind, knees Warrior in the back.  Then, Savage nails Warrior with the Reynolds Wrap scepter, while the ref is yelling at Slaughter.  Sarge drops an elbow (which I always found hilarious since it was SO not necessary) and gets the three count.  Reaction from the crowd and announcers is not pleasant to say the least.  Audience audibly chants “bullsh*t”.  Gorilla and Piper see this as the end of civilization as we know it.

BL:  Vince sure showed his brass balls by giving Slaughter the title.  Vince was also able to once again mask the Warrior’s limitations in the ring better than Iraqi women cover their faces.  Match itself was camel dung.  ¾ *

- Mooney interviews Ted Dibiase and Virgil.  Dibiase gives justification as to why Virgil does all those nasty chores for him.  Are you sure Virgil agrees with you there Ted?

Dusty and Dustin Rhodes vs. “The Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase and Virgil

Dusty and Dibiase were already feuding at this time.  Dusty’s son got attacked by Million and Virgil on an episode of Saturday Night’s Main Event so PRESTO we have a tag match.  Oh! Also, Virgil seems to be getting tired of being Dibiase’s errand boy.  Dibiase and Virgil jump the Rhodes’ but Dusty and Dustin quickly turn the tide.  Dibiase orders Virgil to “take him (Dustin) out”.  Big clothesline and dropkick by Dustin send Virgil out to the floor.  Dibiase gives Virgil some static.  Virgil goes back in the ring but second verse is same as the first and soon Virgil is back out on the floor.  Dibiase is none too pleased.  Dibiase comes in and shows Virgil how it’s done.  Big clothesline by Dibiase as he begins to take Dustin to school.  Dibiase then hits his classic fistdrops.  Dibiase puts his head down and eats mat.  The Rhodes’ then play ping-pong with Ted.  Dusty comes in now and hits a sleeper.  Virgil immediately breaks that up.  Good boy!  Dustin comes back in and hits a dropkick.  Pin attempt is broken up by Virgil.  Virgil is tagged back in now.  Dustin whips Virg to the corner but rams his knee into the turnbuckle when he charges.  Virgil and Dibiase now take turns attacking the knee of Dustin.  Dusty tries to get the crowd into it but they’re too preoccupied trying to figure out where that brown splotch on Dusty’s chest came from.  Dibiase holds Dustin for Virgil but Virgil accidentally hits Dibiase instead.  Dibiase attacks Virgil for his error.  Meanwhile, Dustin crawls over and tags Dusty.  Dusty starts off hot but a missed charge leads to Dibiase rolling up Dusty for the 3 count.  Wow, talk about your ultimate sacrifices.  Dibiase almost became a stain on the mat with that rollup spot. 

Postmatch, we get the classic moment where Virgil clocks Dibiase with his own Million Dollar Belt and ends their relationship.  The pop by the audience and Piper (who had been encouraging Virgil to leave Dibiase for weeks) is off the charts!

BL:  The Good: Dusty’s involvement was kept to a minimum. The Bad: The match itself. The Ugly: Dusty. ½ *

- Royal Rumble Interview Jamboree

• Tugboat’s promo is so horrendous that I vomited in my own mouth.
• Smash psyches himself out in a mirror
• Dino Bravo’s promo sounds like he’s talking to the police about the Canadian mafia
• Crush says nothing of interest as usual
• Mr. Perfect gives a kick-a$$ promo WHILE doing push-ups

- Mean Gene talks with the Hulkster.  Hogan overlooks the Rumble as if it’s a guarantee.  He’d rather focus on Slaughter.  Nothing new there.  Line of the night honor goes to Hogan though for this gem: “Sgt. Slaughter’s reign is going to be just like…uh…you know brutha.” 

Royal Rumble Match

Bret Hart is #1, as those signs of a singles career seem to keep popping up.  Dino Bravo is #2.  Gorilla seems to think Bravo is a cheapskate.  Maybe that’s what got him shot gangland style.  Bret starts off hot, but Dino soon takes control.  Greg Valentine is #3.  Valentine nails Dino to the shock of Jimmy Hart.  Valentine quickly disposes of Dino.  Valentine tries to go after Jimmy Hart but he escapes.  Bret, who had been resting, goes right to work on Valentine.  Paul Roma is #4.  Valentine and Roma gang up on Bret but then Roma turns on The Hammer.  Texas Tornado is #5.  Tornado gives his usual crappy punches to everyone.  Valentine gives us a Flair flop.  It’s now Valentine and the Tornado and Bret and Roma paired up.  Roma with a near Holly-like dropkick on Von Erich.  Rick Martel is #6.  He goes immediately after the Hitman.  Bret puts Martel on the brink of elimination.  #7 is Saba Simba and thankfully Piper doesn’t shout, “it’s Tony Atlas!” this time.  Pairings now are Saba and Roma, Hart and Valentine and Tornado and Martel.  The Model comes close to being dumped again but no dice.  Sidenote: Shane McMahon is once again YOUR floor referee.  

Tornado puts the dreaded palmhold on Paul Roma.  Butch is #8.  He whacks his way around the ring for 10 seconds before someone realizes how idiotic he looks and hits him.  Saba Simba and Martel go flying over the top rope but Martel hangs on.  Not 30 seconds later, Gorilla asks Piper, “I don’t see Saba Simba, where did he go?”  How Piper didn’t laugh in his face for such an idiotic question baffles me to this day.  Jake the Snake is #9 and right away goes after Martel since they were in the middle of their feud.  Jake goes for the DDT but Martel bails under the bottom rope.  Hercules is #10.  Ring is filling up fast.  Everyone is now casually punching each other with no real direction.  Valentine and Jake try to eliminate Bret but he pantomimes to the camera that he’s bored with their efforts.  What a dick!  #11 is Tito Santana.  Roma tries for a high crossbody on Jake but misses and launches himself over the top rope.  Tito immediately goes after Martel as always.  

Undertaker is #12 and now we can hopefully clean out some deadweight.  Yeah, I’m looking at you, Tornado.  Just as I say that, Taker casually dumps Bret Hart out.  Superfly Jimmy Snuka is #13.  Major afro on Snuka tonight.  Taker launches Butch out.  Despite Undertaker’s efforts, the ring is still pretty crowded right now.  Jake goes back to trying to eliminate Martel.  British Bulldog is #14.  Only thing of note going on now is some drunk in a green shirt who keeps walking past the front row.  Smash is #15.  From the apron, the Model is able to eliminate Roberts.  #16 is Hawk.  Hawk tries to punch everyone so everyone gangs up on Hawk in return.  No complaints here.  1991’s Freshest Face Shane Douglas is #16.  This is way before he became the bitter has-been (or is that a never-was) that he is today.  Undertaker heaves Tornado over the top rope.  Vaya con dios Kerry!  Hawk follows that up by eliminating the Superfly.  #18 is…is…is…no one!  It was revealed later though to be Macho Man’s number but he “left the building to avoid the Warrior.”  Funny moment though as when the buzzer rings you see Animal start come out an then quickly hide behind the curtain.  I can just hear someone in the Gorilla position screaming at him, “No, no you moron!  Not yet!”  

It’s time for #19 and whoa, what a surprise, it’s Animal.  Legion of Doom work on the Undertaker and clothesline him out.  Martel sneaks up behind Hawk and dumps him right after.  Crush is #20.  The Demos work over the British Bulldog.  Hacksaw Jim Duggan is #21 and I’m immediately board. (rimshot please)  It’s getting pretty obvious at this point that everyone is sticking around in the ring in hopes of being tossed out by His Holiness. (coughHogancough)  #22 is Earthquake.  He quickly disposes of Animal.  More chit-chat goes on between the wrestlers.  Mr. Perfect is #23 and finally I’m interested.  Perfect does HIS bumping for Duggan of all people.  It’s all good though as Perfect soon dumps Stupid…er…Duggan.  Thanks Curt!  Hogan is #24.  Yippee!  Victim #1 for Fake ‘n Bake is Smash.  See ya Brother!  Haku is #25.  Hogan just dumped Valentine after a 37-minute performance for the Hammer.  Hogan finally gets his shirt off.  #26 is Jim Neidhart.  Earthquake eliminates Tito nonchalantly.  Luke is #27.  In a classic Rumble moment, Luke walks in and Quake just as quickly tosses him out the other side.  Luke, we hardly knew ye.  Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs is #28.  Everyone gangs up on him as if he poses some threat.  Knobbs pitches Hercules who was out there longer than he had any right to be.  Warlord is #29.  Hogan dumps Crush, or as my roommate calls him, “that bondage guy”.  Hogan clotheslines Warlord out of there.  That marks two different times (89 and 91) that Hogan has eliminated the Warlord via a clothesline in less than 2 minutes from the Rumble.  Tugboat is #30.  I promise no Shockmaster jokes.  

He goes after Earthquake.  Knobbs knocks out Shane Douglas.  Tugboat goes after his “friend” the Hulkster.  I guess this was the precursor to his shocking heel turn.  (OK, so I lied)  Angered, Hulk comes back and dumps Tugboat.  Bulldog dropkicks Perfect out.  That’s a shame!  Martel eliminates the Anvil.  Haku gets tossed out by the Bulldog.  Martel goes up top but Bulldog catches him and throws him out.  Finally, after 53 minutes, Martel was gone.  On first viewing this tape, I was sooo glad when he finally was eliminated because he was so close so many time during the night.  Final Four is British Bulldog, Hulk Hogan, Earthquake and Brian Knobbs.  Why in God’s green Earth was Knobbs booked to go this late into the Rumble.  Disgusting!  The heels team up and dump the Bulldog out.  Poor Davey Boy, always a bridesmaid, never a bride.  Quake and Knobbs then work over Hulk which includes the big butt splash.  Hogan, of course, pops up though and boots Knobbs out.  Hogan gets some offense before a slam attempt backfires on the Hulk.  Quakes squashes Hogan some more before Hulk pops up again.  2 pop-ups in one match?  They must really want to send the fans home happy.  It’s all a formality after that as Hogan gets his obligatory slam on Quake before clotheslining him out of the ring.

BL: Well star power was non-existent in this Rumble.  Too many times there was a bunch of guys standing around doing nothing.  Even though the notion of Hogan winning back-to-back Rumbles nauseated me, it was the right thing to do, given the Slaughter win. ** ½

Final Thought:  Well for match quality sake, one should only bother watching the Rockers match.  There are some memorable moments though like Slaughter’s shocking win and the Virgil/Dibiase breakup.  Overall the show was rather lackluster but did a nice job setting up feuds for Wrestlemania 7.

Next time, we learn that the Iraqi war wasn’t really over until the WWF says it’s over.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.           
  

E-MAIL ADAM
BROWSE THE OOLD TYME ARCHIVES

Originally from Cleveland, Adam is now a graduate student at the University of Dayton who is looking to make a couple extra bucks writing this column. What do you mean Rick doesn't pay his columnists?

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