by Adam Gutschmidt
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

- Emanating from the bomb-free Los Angeles Sports Arena in Los Angeles, California

- Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby “the Brain” Heenan

- Show kicks off with Willie “Hemp” Nelson singing America the Beautiful.  The IRS must have really taken everything from poor Willie as he’s wearing a toy WWF belt to hold up his pants.  Later on, he’d be wearing a legitimate WWF belt.  More on that later…

Opening Match: The Rockers vs. Haku and the Barbarian

Since the Brain manages the heels, we’re subjected to Hacksaw Jim Duggan joining Gorilla on commentary.  I never thought I would see the day that I would wish Hacksaw was on the card.  Haku and Michaels go through a feeling out process to begin.  Haku rams Michael’s back into the turnbuckle.  Shawn comes back with a shouldertackle.  The Rockers double-team Haku but Barbarian turns the table with a double clothesline.  Rockers give us synchronized 360-degree sells.  Rockers comeback though and give Barbarian a double thrust kick.  The Brain regroups the heels.  Janetty and Barbarian in now.  Hacksaw says the Rockers should stay out of the heel corner in order to win.  Ladies and Gentleman, the WWF’s version of John Madden.  Slugfest by Marty and Barbarian.  Hurricarana by Marty gets 2.  Haku tagged in.  Haku and Barbarian hotshot Marty on the top rope.  Heels now tag frequently to wear down Marty.  Haku and Marty both go for a flying tackle in an ugly spot.  Barbarian is back in and delivers a big clothesline to Marty.  Marty looks to be completely out of it.  It could be selling…could be drugs.  A missed flying headbutt by Barbarian allows Marty to finally get the hot tag.  Shawn comes in and explodes on Haku.  A couple of close pinfalls for Shawn.  Marty comes back in and the Rockers double-team both guys.  Marty hits a top rope dropkick on Haku.  Shawn follows it up with a top rope crossbody for the three count.

Bottom Line:  I’ve certainly seen better out of the Rockers.  A couple of sloppy points and Hacksaw’s commentary drop the match down a few pegs.  Crowd was hot throughout it though.  ** ½

- Mean Gene interviews the “celebrities” of Wrestlemania: Regis Philbin, Alex Trebek and Marla Maples.  Alex befuddles Gene with his confusing Jeopardy style of questioning.

Dino Bravo vs. Texas Tornado

Ahh, Brain is in the booth now and he’s already ranting and raving.  Wait a minute, I thought Warrior and Macho Man was the career-ending match, not this one?  Pretty sad how both these two jobbed to smoking guns and I’m not talking about the tag team.  Bravo attacks early, before Tornado can get his burlap sack with rhinestones off.  Dino clotheslines Tornado out of the ring.  Back in, Tornado comes back with a reverse atomic drop and a clothesline.  Tornado tries his palmhold but Dino blocks it.  Tornado whips Bravo but EATS SOLE when he charges.  Atomic drop by Dino.  A couple of elbows get 2 for Dino.  Side suplex by Dino gets 2.  Dino, off the second rope, gets caught in the dreaded palmhold.  One spinny punch later and it’s all over for Bravo.

BL:  Thankfully it was short.  For 2 veterans they looked more confused in the ring than Ronald Reagan did at his last birthday.  ¼ *

- Sean Mooney interviews future Pizza Hut deliveryman, The Warlord.  Slick adds, “When you got to go…you got to go.”  So true!

- Mean Gene gets a rebuttal from the British Bulldog.  Davey talks to his mascot Winston in a riveting conversation that’s on the level of Saturn and Moppy, Al Snow and Head and anyone talking to Larry King.

The Warlord vs. The British Bulldog

This is your typical meathead vs. meathead matchup.  Lockup and shove by Warlord to start.  Four shouldertackles by the Bulldog finally send the Warlord to the outside.  A Bulldog crucifix attempt is turned into a Warlord slam.  Warlord goes to work showcasing his wide variety of punches and kicks.  Warlord then changes things up with a bearhug.  Bulldog breaks free but Warlord keeps the advantage with a hotshot.  That gets 2.  Warlord says the ref was too slow there.  Slugfest ends with a belly to belly by Warlord.  Warlord slaps on a chinlock yet the crowd continues to stay interested in the match.  Davey Boy, back up, hits a dropkick.  High cross body by Bulldog gets 2.  Bulldog goes for a piledriver, which is reversed into a backdrop, which is reversed into a sunset flip.  If this were a Rockers match, that sequence would have taken all of 15 seconds.  Here, it took 2 minutes.  Warlord locks in his inescapable full nelson, but somehow Bulldog powers out.  Wha???  Bulldog grabs him in the running powerslam and finishes him off.

BL:  It’s what I expected from a power match, which is not much.  Warlord surprisingly dominated.  * ¼

- Nasty Boys yell a lot and defile Mean Gene’s hankie.

- Sean Mooney suggests to the Hart Foundation that the Nasty Boys are blowing more than hot air.  So that’s how they got this title match.

WWF Tag Team Championship Match: The Hart Foundation (champs) vs. Nasty Boys

The Harts come out to a great ovation as the camera catches a shot of “actor” Macauley Culkin.  Gorilla doesn’t even realize who it is at first.  Nowadays, nobody realizes who he is.  Bret and Sags start off.  A cheap shot by Sags gives him a brief edge.  Bret comes back with a Lou Thesz press.  Knobbs comes in but is no help to his partner.  Bret continues to make Sags his b*tch until he tags Knobbs.  Bret tags the Anvil.  Knobbs works Anvil into the corner but Anvil comes firing back.  Anvil tries to literally rip Sags’ arm from his socket.  Neidhart accidentally gets caught in the heel corner and Knobbs tags Sags.  Sags can only get a few punches before Anvil tags Bret.  Bret hits some of his Trademark 5 before Knobbs comes in.  Bret is able to fend off both for a while.  Finally, the blatant double-teaming gives the Nasties an advantage.  Man, Hebner was doing nothing to stop them.  Sags begins to work Bret’s back.  Backbreaker gets 2.  Sags decides to excite the crowd with a reverse chinlock.  Sags gets bored with the hold so he tags Knobbs who puts on the chinlock, himself.  Sags back in now.  He hits a reverse neckbreaker and then goes BACK to the chinlock.  What a moveset!  Bret gets a reverse neckbreaker of his own and then tries to tag.  Knobbs comes in and stops Bret.  Again, the chinlock is applied but Bret says, “F this noise” and powers out immediately.  Nasties try a double-team move that backfires.  Bret tags Anvil but Hebner doesn’t see it so back goes Anvil.  Knobbs tries to nail Bret with the megaphone but hits Sags instead.  Finally, Anvil gets tagged in and destroys the Nasties.  Clothesline gets 2 on Knobbs.  All four men in now.  Harts hit the Hart Attack.  Hebner runs Bret out of the ring while Sags hits Anvil with Jimmy Hart’s motorcycle helmet.  Knobbs makes the cover and we have new champs. 

Postmatch note: Later that night, the Nasties celebrated their win with Willie Nelson and evidently gave him one of the tag belts.  It was never seen from again to my knowledge.

BL:  The Nasty Boys looked like horsesh*t on toast in this match.  Bret must have been glad to be getting out of the tag division after this.  Hebner did a lot of those annoying referee tactics (i.e. doesn’t allow blind face tags) that he’s supposed to do but tick me off nonetheless.  ½ *

- Recap of the lengthy Jake/Model feud that ends with Jake giving one of those eerily cool promos.

Blindfold Match: Jake “the Snake” Roberts vs. Rick “the Model” Martel

Jake and Martel listen for the crowd to tell them where the other one is.  Oh I get it…they CAN’T SEE.  They wander around for a few minutes until Martel falls over Jake, who rolls him up, but the ref doesn’t count for some reason.  Martel chokes Jake and then whips him to the ropes.  Martel puts his head down while Jake walks around him.  OH THE IRONY!  Isn’t it funny when wrestlers can see, they would walk right into a back bodydrop?  But when they’re blindfolded, they have enough foresight to move around their opponent.  More hunt and find action that leads to a Martel bodyslam.  Martel tries to follow it up with an elbow but of course Jake is long gone.  Roberts grabs the ref’s shirt and immediately lets go.  Heenan makes a great comment about giving Martel a shirt to fool Jake.  Jake finds Martel but the Model quickly bails.  Martel and Jake collide and Jake falls to the floor.  Martel climbs out and somehow grabs a chair.  The Model bumps into the ringpost and nails it with the chair, thinking it is Jake.  D’oh!  Back in, Martel finds Jake and hits him with a backbreaker.  Martel hooks the Boston Crab but Jake quickly powers out.  Jake finds Martel and blasts him with a DDT.  That gets Jake the 3 count and the blowoff to this feud.  Postmatch: Jake rubs his snake on Martel and smashes the atomizer of Arrogance, which had started the feud.

BL:  - ** for wrestling content.  **** for entertainment value.  Great concept for crowd involvement.

- Marla Maples gets accosted by Jimmy Hart’s stable during the Nasty Boys’ celebration.

Undertaker vs. “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka

Man, already a nice pop for Undertaker.  Vince must have been pissing his pants when realized how over this guy was already.  EVIL staredown to begin.  Superfly for some bizarre reason turns and walks away so Taker blasts him from behind.  That was so stupid you would have thought Snuka was bashed in the head with a coconut when he was younger or something.  Taker stomps away on Snuka.  Big running clothesline by UT.  Snuka whips Taker to the corner but UT boots him when he charges.  Taker suplexes Snuka from the apron to almost the other side of the ring.  A missed elbow by the Taker allows Superfly a chance to try and mount a comeback.  Snuka charges towards UT, who sidesteps him and allows Superfly to launch himself onto the top rope and flop to the floor.  Snuka gets back onto the apron and tries to slingshoot himself onto the Taker.  Undertaker catches him and plants him with a Tombstone.  Goodnight Jimmy!

BL: Well that was a huge order of squash with a side of slaw.  Interesting note, Gorilla used to always call Superfly, the “Phenom”.  After this match, Undertaker was known as the “Phenom”.  I guess this was the changing of the guard.  *

- Recap of the Warrior/Savage feud

Career Ending Match: Ultimate Warrior vs. “Macho Man” Randy Savage

Prematch notes: Bobby Heenan catches Miss Elizabeth sitting ringside and figures she’s there to see Macho lose and rub it in.  I wouldn’t put it past her.  Also, the Ultimate Warrior doesn’t run down the aisle. This is to show the importance of this match.  Big stall at the get-go.  Lockup gives neither man an advantage.  Shove by Warrior is followed with punches by Savage.  Warrior hits a shouldertackle and Macho bails.  Macho comes in the other side and tries to blindside the Warrior.  Warrior comes back with a big clothesline.  Sherri comes in to help but Warrior throws Savage into her.  Macho comes back with a stiff kick when the Warrior puts his head down.  Macho goes for a flying crossbody but the Warrior catches him.  He sets Savage down and SLAPS him.  Wow!  Warrior thinks he’s all that and a bag of potato chips right now.  Warrior whips Macho to the corner and does some mudhole stomping.  Warrior whips Savage again but misses a big charge and falls to the floor.  Sherri begins to punch the Warrior.  She continues her attack until Warrior says “B*tch please!” and shoves her to the floor.  Macho attacks Warrior from behind and drags him into the ring.  Powerslam by Savage gets 2.  Warrior gets a backslide for 2.  Botched spot as Warrior kept running looking for the shouldertackle but Macho wouldn’t get up.  As a result, Warrior just kinda flops to the mat while Macho tries to cover up and make it look like he shoved him down.  Macho gets a 2 count for all that.  Savage slaps on a chinlock so they can discuss the game plan again.  Warrior gets up but a double clothesline spot puts them both down.  Warrior gets Macho in a small package but Sherri has Hebner distracted.  Ref bump after Macho knocks the Warrior into Hebner.  Sherri comes in and accidentally nails Macho with her dreaded high heel.  Macho comes back though with a powerslam.  Savage goes up and hits his patented elbow five times, five times, five times, five times, five times.  Macho covers but somehow Warrior kicks out at 2.  Warrior grabs the ropes and starts quivering.  Warrior does his 30-second squash set but Macho kicks out of THAT.  Warrior then talks to the voices in his head and contemplates quitting.  You s-s-sick FREAK!  While he talks to his palm, Macho takes the opportunity to attack him.  Macho drapes Warrior over the steel guardrail and goes up top for a double ax handle.  Warrior nails him as he comes down though.  Nice bump there by Savage as he went crashing into the guardrail.  Warrior gives Macho three shouldertackles.  Warrior then pins Savage with one foot and gets the victory.  Postmatch: Sherri attacks Macho only for him to be saved by Elizabeth.  Liz and Randy then reunite in an emotional moment.  Crowd eats it up with a spoon.

BL:  Great action and great drama in what was the best Warrior match I’ve ever seen.  Kudos to Heenan and Monsoon for calling a great match and putting over its importance.  Only minuses were the one botched spot and a bit too much involvement from Sherri during the match.  **** ¼ 

- Mean Gene then introduces a segment dealing with instant replay and whether or not it belongs in the WWF.  The segment involves Vince McMahon, George Steinbrenner, Paul McGuire and the Bushwackers.  Anything but hilarity ensues.  In fact, embarrassment comes to mind.

- Regis tries to interview the Undertaker and Paul Bearer, but they’d rather measure him for a casket.  Works for me.

- That Canadian Ponce, Alex Trebek, trembles before Jake and Damian.  If Trebek is scared now, wait until he sees Jake after a few drinks.  Now that’s scary!

- Bobby Heenan laughs at the treatment the celebrities got, claiming he was the one who set them up for those interviews.

Demolition vs. Tenyru and Kitao

Demolition has some sweet new music here that sounds similar to Stone Cold’s original music.  Backstory here is…um…ok, I have no idea why they are fighting.  Wrestlemania IS Diversity!  Demos jump Kitao before the bell.  Kitao knees Smash to gain the advantage.  A Fuji cane shot slows him down though.  Demos do their usual crappy double-team pounding to work on Kitao’s back.  I’m distracted from the match by this great Gorilla and Brain exchange:

BH: “Looks like he should throw in the Kitowel”
GM: “His name is Kitao”
BH: “Oh!”
GM: “You’d have trouble if his name was Fred.”
BH: “His name is Fred Kitao?”

Back to the match, Smash whips Kitao, but he comes back with a clothesline on Smash.  Kitao finally makes the tag to Tenyru.  Tenyru chops away on Smash.  A missed top rope elbow by Tenyru gives Demolition the advantage again.  Demos attempt the Demolition Decapitator but Kitao stops them.  Tenyru with a standing enziguri to Smash.  Tenyru follows that up with a powerbomb to finish off Smash.

BL:  Tenyru and Kitao has some decent stuff but why should I care since we never saw them again.  Match was a wash.  *

- Mean Gene interviews the Big Boss Man who says he’s doing this match for his momma.  Man, where were his family values when he was stealing The Big Show’s father’s coffin? 

- Sean Mooney talks to Bobby Heenan and Mr. Perfect who say that unlike Rodney King, there will be no police brutality tonight.

Intercontinental Championship Match: Mr. Perfect (champ) vs. Big Boss Man

Prematch note: With Heenan once again managing, that British pervert Lord Alfred Hayes joins Gorilla for commentary.  Bossman and Perfect duel with towels and gum.  It looks as thrilling as it sounds.  Perfect bails to the floor where Bossman follows him and punches him.  Perfect sells it as if he was struck with an aluminum bat.  Bossman takes Perfect back inside and drags him by the hair.  Is this for the IC or Women’s title?  Bossman whips Perfect, who reverses it only to be booted by Bossman.  Bossman then continues to pummel Perfect from pillar to post.  Vintage Bossman as he legdrops Perfect over the middle rope.  Bossman pulls out his belt and begins to whip Perfect with it.  Ref grabs it and tosses it only to have Perfect grab it and nail Bossman with it.  Perfect whips Bossman hard into the corner.  Perfect begins to work on Bossman’s back.  Standing dropkick by Perfect gets 2.  Perfect Neckbreaker is followed by a PerfectPlex attempt.  Bossman reverses it into a small package for 2.  Perfect comes back with a reverse Perfect Neckbreaker for 2.  Perfect goes up top but gets booted coming down.  Bossman rams Perfect in the corner and then crotches him on the post.  Bossman with Real Rapid Punching Action sends Perfect to the floor.  While Bossman goes after Heenan, Perfect throws Bossman into the steps.  Heenan lays some kicks into the Bossman as Andre the Giant comes lumbering down the aisle.  Heenan is frozen with fear upon seeing the Giant.  Andre chases Heenan while Perfect removes the top turnbuckle pad.  Andre grabs the Intercontinental Title and blasts Perfect with it.  Bossman sits up and covers Perfect but only gets 2.  Haku and Barbarian come out from the back and beat up the Bossman for the DQ win.

BL:  Lame, overbooked ending that never really gave Bossman the proper blowoff to his feud with Bobby Heenan.  But it’s only the Bossman so I won’t lose any sleep over it.  **

- Mean Gene interviews the audience celebrities, which include Donald Trump, Chuck Norris, Lou Ferrigno and Henry “The Fonz” Winkler.  Seeing Mean Gene absolutely dis The Fonz is disgusting and hilarious at the same time.

Earthquake and Greg “the Hammer” Valentine

Earthquake works away on Valentine in the corner.  Big powerslam by Quake gets 2.  A missed charge by Quake allows Hammer to elbow him about 25 times before Earthquake says, “That’s enough!”  Hammer goes for the figure four leglock but Jimmy Hart distracts him.  Evidently Jimmy was trying to convince him to become Mr. Ugly and Greg took offense.  Quake attacks Valentine during this break and drops an elbow of his own on him.  One big butt splash later and that’s all she wrote for Valentine.

BL: How the mighty have fallen.  A few months ago, Earthquake was fighting Hulk and now it’s meaningless squashes.  Can’t say that I’m really upset.  ½ *

- Sean Mooney interviews the Legion of Doom, who is looking beyond Power and Glory and at the Nasty Boys.  Gee, I wonder who’s getting a title shot?

Legion of Doom vs. Power and Glory

Hercules and Roma jump Hawk before the bell.  Hawk double clotheslines both of them.  Roma goes up top but gets powerslammed on his way down.  Animal grabs Roma, Hawk hits the Doomsday Device and it’s already over.

BL: Disgusting squash.  I don’t even want to discuss it.  NEXT!  -*

- Recap of the Dibiase/Virgil feud

 The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase vs. Virgil

Prematch note: Roddy Piper accompanies Virgil to ringside despite being on crutches from a motorcycle accident…er…hip surgery.  Virgil begins the match by “boxing” Dibiase.  Ted goes to the floor to regroup.  Virgil continues to juke and jive, much to the frustration of Dibiase.  Big clothesline sends Ted to the floor.  Dibiase is doing a lot of stalling on the floor.  A drop toehold by Dibiase puts him on offense.  Dibiase begins taking Virgil to school with a piledriver and suplex.  Dibiase dumps Virgil to the floor right in front of Roddy Piper.  Dibiase goes out to throw Virgil back in.  Then, he goes over and shoves Piper down to the ground.  Powerslam by Dibiase.  Piper struggles to his feet while Dibiase tells Virgil about the wonders of the Christian lifestyle.  Ted goes to the ropes but crashes to the floor when Piper pulls the top rope down with his crutch.  Dibiase attacks Piper long enough to get himself counted out. 

Postmatch: Dibiase slaps on the Million Dollar Dream on Virgil.  Piper comes in for the save but Sherri runs out and stops him.  Dibiase and Sherri, beginning their new relationship, give a beatdown to Piper and Virgil.  Highlight of the match comes at the very end when the referees are trying to help Piper and Danny Davis gets nailed in the nads with Piper’s crutch.

BL:  Virgil’s limited ring experience leaves us with not much of a match.  The booking here is good though and sets up nicely the continuation of the feud. * ¾

- Sean Mooney gives us a video package of the HEINOUS actions of Sgt. Slaughter.  Then Sarge cuts a promo.  By the numbers:  Uses of puke: 2  Uses of slime: 3  Uses of human waste: 1

The Mountie vs. Tito Santana

Lockup to start.  Tito, off the ropes, hits an ugly flying forearm that sends Mountie to the floor.  Santana hits a double noggin knocker on Mountie and Jimmy Hart.  A reverse atomic drop and a forearm already have the Mountie begging for mercy.  Jimmy Hart hands Mountie the cattle prod, which he jams in Tito’s gut.  Tito falls to the ground and clutches his stomach.  I’m still not sure if this was a result of the cattle prod or Tito’s lunch at the All You Can Eat Chimichanga Buffet.  Regardless, it’s enough for Mountie to get the upset win. 

BL:  Well Operation Get Mountie Over was not successful here.  It’s pretty pathetic when your only offense is a foreign object.  Who does he think he is, Hacksaw Jim Duggan?  DUD

- It comes time for our favorite part of the Pay-Per-View, the Mean Gene/Hulkster lovefest.  A bunch of USA propaganda and “bruthas” are spewed here.

- Howard Finkle brings out the celebrities for the main event.  Alex Trebek is YOUR ring announcer, Marla Maples is YOUR bellringer and Regis Philbin is YOUR smart alleck guest commentator.

WWF Championship Match: Sgt. Slaughter (champ) vs. Hulk Hogan

Hulk wants to go after Slaughter right away but Sarge takes his grand old time getting ready for war.  I guess he’s trying to salvage his small claim to fame for as long as he can.  Feeling out process for the first few minutes gives neither man an advantage.  A big shouldertackle by Hulk sends Sarge outside.  Hulk goes after Adnan while Slaughter grabs a metal chair with a Hogan jacket on it.  Sarge cracks Hogan in the back with the chair but Hulk no sells it.  I guess the jacket cushioned the blow.  Back in, a thumb in the eye gives Slaughter the advantage.  Sarge misses an elbow and Hulk mounts a comeback.  An atomic drop by Hogan gets 2.  On the outside, Hulk gets vicious with a backrake.  I guess Hulk stumbled onto Adnan’s playbook.  Sarge gets some rough turnbuckle treatment including his usual fly-into-the-post sell from an Irish whip.  Hulk pulls out a slingshot (the move, not the child’s toy) that posts Slaughter.  Hulk pounds away on Slaughter with closed fists.  Hebner reprimands Hogan but he shoves Earl away.  OUR HERO!  Hulk goes to the top rope (!) but gets caught coming down.  Sarge clotheslines Hogan to the floor.  On the outside, Slaughter posts him, nails him with a chair, and chokes him with a cable.  Back in, Sarge works on Hulk’s back.  Slaughter slaps on a Boston crab but Hogan grabs the ropes.  Slaughter grabs another chair and nails Hulk in the head this time.  That gets a 2 count.  Hulk is busted wide open.  Sarge gets the camel clutch on.  Hogan won’t quit right away so Slaughter releases it, stomps on his back and puts it on again.  NICE!  Hulk manages to get to his feet but Sarge rams him into the turnbuckle.  Slaughter gets the Iraqi flag and drapes it over Hogan before pinning him.  It’s the end for Hulk and the U.S.A. but no WE GOT a POP up.  Hulk rips up the flag and no sells Slaughter’s offense.  A big boot and a legdrop later and it’s all over.

BL:  Well, these two went out there and kept the action consistent the entire time.  There was nothing special (well, except for maybe the bladejob) but there was certainly nothing horrible.  Despite the Gulf War being over, the drama was still there for this match.  *** ½

Final Thoughts:  The card showcases a wide spectrum of fantastic (Warrior/Savage) and horrendous (number of squashes, tag title match).  The overly patriotic theme seems somewhat misplaced given the war had been over for almost a month, but Vince being the stubborn genius he is refused to lay off the jingoism.  My best suggestion is to have the remote handy to watch this one, as you’ll need the Fast Forward button frequently.

Next time, buy an extra box of tissues, because I always cry at weddings.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue  
  

E-MAIL ADAM
BROWSE THE OOLD TYME ARCHIVES

Originally from Cleveland, Adam is now a graduate student at the University of Dayton who is looking to make a couple extra bucks writing this column. What do you mean Rick doesn't pay his columnists?

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