by Adam Gutschmidt
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

No remarks this week, so I must have kept everything accurate in last week’s double shot.  Let’s move on to today’s proceedings, shall we?

- Emanating from the Knickerbocker Arena in Albany, New York

- Your hosts are Gorilla “Will you stop!” Monsoon and Bobby “It’s not fair to Flair” Heenan

Opening Match: The New Foundation vs. The Orient Express

For the unenlightened, The New Foundation comprised of Owen Hart and Jim Neidhart.  The first of many tag partners for Owen in the WWF.  Owen and Kato lockup and work on each other’s arm.  Test of strength leads to a Kato pin, which Owen bridges out of twice.  Great strength there.  Hurricarana by Owen gets 2.  Neidhart gets tagged in.  He gives Kato a few hiptosses and Kato tags Tanaka.  You can tell Tanaka isn’t in as good of shape as he used to be because he started wearing a baggy T-shirt around this time.  Tanaka tries to match strength with the Anvil and fails miserably.  The New Foundation do a nice spinebuster/elbow drop double-team maneuver.  That gets 2.  Back bodydrop and an enziguri by Owen.  He’s pulling out all the stops tonight.  Too bad Gorilla and Heenan are more concerned with talking about Bret Hart’s title loss.  No wonder Owen felt like a shadow.  Neidhart gives the Orient Express a double noggin knocker, which is followed by a high cross body on both members by Owen.  A kick from Tanaka on the apron slows down Owen.  Fuji nails Owen with the cane to add injury to injury.  The Orient Express double-team Owen.  Owen then tries to top his brother by slamming HARD chest first into the corner.  Crucifix by Owen gets a 2 count.  Bulldog by Owen allows him to tag but the referee misses it and sends the Anvil back to the corner.  Meanwhile, Fuji puts his cane into the corner.  Owen is tossed into the corner and has his shoulder rammed right into the cane.  Neat spot!  The Orient Express do a nice job of working over Owen’s shoulder.  Owen dropkicks both Kato and Tanaka to give him the opportunity to finally tag Neidhart.  The Anvil slams both Orient Express as Monsoon describes him as a “bull in a China closet.”  Nice try Gorilla.  Owen wows the crowd with a dive through the second rope on Kato.  Then he goes up top and Anvil launches him onto a fallen Tanaka for the 3 count.

Bottom Line: This was the second Royal Rumble in a row that the Orient Express have been involved in a great opener.  The match got the crowd very hot and excited.  It was evident that Owen would be going places.  Unfortunately, just like New Coke, people weren’t buying the New Foundation.  ***

- Lord Alfred Hayes recaps how 2 days before the Royal Rumble, the Mountie beat Bret for the Intercontinental Title in Springfield, Massachusetts.  Bret had a 104-degree temperature going into the match.  After the match, the Mountie continued the attack on Bret, forcing Roddy Piper to make the save.  That sets up a Piper vs. Mountie match tonight for the belt.

- Sean Mooney listens to Jimmy Hart and Mountie gloat over their tainted victory.

- Mean Gene gets a drunken tirade from Piper.  Roddy finishes with a bizarre comment about how Mountie has been dreaming and it’s been all wet.  That throws Mean Gene for a loop as he quickly sends it back to Gorilla and Bobby.

Intercontinental Title Match: The Mountie (champ) vs. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper

Mountie tries chasing Roddy Piper with the cattle prod.  As he turns his back, Piper charges and begins to kick away on him.  Mountie tries to bail but Piper won’t let him.  Bulldog by Roddy.  He covers but Mountie puts his leg on the rope.  Piper gets up and jumps on that leg.  Now that was smart!  Piper goes for a dropkick but Mountie avoids it.  This gives Mountie a chance to take the advantage.  Piper comes back with a back bodydrop.  Jimmy Hart distracts Roddy as the Mountie tries a sneak attack.  Mountie charges but hits Jimmy instead.  Piper slaps on the sleeper and puts the Mountie out.  Piper wins his first and ONLY title in the WWF. 

Postmatch: Piper grabs the cattle prod and zaps Mountie with it; complete with cheesy game show buzzer sound effect.

BL: Match was pretty disjointed and relatively short.  On the other hand, the pop Piper got was AMAZING.  A great moment for him and his fans.  ½ *

- Lord Alfred Hayes gives us one of his Coliseum exclusive interviews by barging into Hulk Hogan’s dressing room.  Geez, Alfred, what if the guy was changing or something.  Hulk cuts this strange, mellow interview.  There were no “bruthas” or anything.

- Mean Gene talks to the Bushwackers and Jameson.  Jameson eats his necktie during the promo while I look for one to hang myself with.

The Beverly Brothers vs. The Bushwackers

Prematch note: The camera picks up a sign that says, “On the 8^th day God created Gorilla Monsoon.”  Gorilla doesn’t know how to react to that one and Bobby fails to capitalize on this opportunity to tease him about it.  The Genius graces us with a poem so all is right with the world tonight.  Gigantic stallfest to start.  Beverlys jump Butch while the ref isn’t looking and we’re finally underway.  Butch comes back with some biting.  You were expecting a legitimate maneuver?  Bushwackers clear both Beverlys out of the ring and dance some more.  Blake wants a handshake, so Butch takes 5 minutes asking the crowd whether or not to accept it.  Blake gets tired of waiting, so he just kicks him.  Thank you!  All 4 guys in as the Bushwackers clean house and dance some more.  The Beverlys try to get back into the ring but the Bushwackers won’t let them.  You know it’s bad booking when the Bushwackers are outsmarting another team.  Finally, the Beverlys isolate and double-team Luke.  Beverlys sort of work on Luke’s back but it’s not a concentrated effort.  As the fight spills out to the floor, the Genius takes the time to head over and slap Jameson.  Thus far, that’s the highlight of this match.  Flying double ax handle by Beau gets 2.  Gorilla insults everyone’s intelligence by claiming this match is going at a “furious pace”.  Luke fires out of the corner with a clothesline, which is enough offense to give him time to make the tag.  Butch unloads on both Beverlys.  Butch uses Blake as a battering ram on Beau.  All 4 men are back in but the ref tries to get Luke out.  As he does that, Blake holds Butch and Beau hits him with a double ax handle.  That’s enough to mercilessly end this. 

Postmatch: The Bushwackers and Jameson beat up the Beverlys and the Genius to get their heat back.  Whew, what a relief.

BL: A wasteful feud for the Beverlys.  I never enjoyed Jameson.  Somehow he made me dislike the Bushwackers even more.  Time used here could have been spent in a much better way.  Like dead air.  DUD

- The Legion of Doom tells Mean Gene that the Natural Disasters make them sick.  SICK!

WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Legion of Doom (champs) vs. The Natural Disasters

Hawk and Typhoon lock it up to start.  Hawk knocks Typhoon off his feet with a top rope clothesline.  Hawk tries a standing dropkick that doesn’t budge Earthquake.  Quake tries a standing dropkick and misses.  That was just pathetic.  Even if he would have hit the move, he would have only gotten Hawk’s shin.  Animal in now and he slugs it out with Quake.  A double clothesline sends both men to the floor.  Animal tries to slam Quake but Quake falls on top of him.  That gets 2.  Typhoon avalanches Animal.  A second one is thwarted, as Animal boots Typhoon.  Tag is made to Hawk, who gets caught by Typhoon when trying a high crossbody.  The Disasters begins to work on Hawk’s back.  Sadly, they think there is a law that says if you work on an opponent’s back you HAVE to put him in a bearhug for 5 minutes.  Earthquake misses a charge in the corner and Hawk mounts a comeback.  Hot tag is made to Animal, who hits Earthquake with a flying shouldertackle.  Animal dominates both Disasters.  All four men brawl on the floor.  Typhoon sneaks back in before the 10 count and gets the Disasters the countout victory but no titles.  Postmatch: LOD beat up the Disasters with a chair.

BL: Don’t know if I understand the booking there.  I didn’t see anyone really clamoring for an extended feud between these teams.  As it was, that never happened for reasons I’ll cover in my next rant.  Match was what you would expect from 4 lugs like these. * 

- The Natural Disasters bellymoan to Sean Mooney about how they should be the champs because they won the match.  That’s just kooky-talk.

- Mean Gene is brave enough to interview the new I-C champ Roddy Piper again.  He’s still drunk, but this time he just might be drunk on life.

- Sean Mooney gets to interview Shawn Michaels for the first time since he threw Marty Janetty through the Barber Shop window, in what will go down as one of the greatest moments in WWF history.  They show the incident, which makes this tape a must-see by itself.

- Lord Alfred Hayes gives another Coliseum Exclusive and finds out Ric Flair drew #3.  That was a dumb thing to air.  It totally took the drama away from that moment and Heenan’s reaction to it.  I’m glad I actually saw this show live originally to enjoy that moment.  Coliseum Video deserves a big FU for that move.

- Cornucopia of Royal Rumble interviews: Macho Man, Sid Justice, British Bulldog, Jake Roberts, The Undertaker and Hulk Hogan all believe they’re winning the title.

Royal Rumble Match for the WWF Championship

The backstory for this Rumble is that the title was vacated by Jack Tunney, after he saw the dubious way Hogan won the title from the Undertaker, back at This Tuesday in Texas.  Tunney comes out before the match to announce this is for the title and wishes the participants the best of luck.  There were numerous boos heard during Tunney’s speech.  To think, they could have wasted Vince’s evil owner angle years earlier with Tunney as the evil president.  Bulldog is #1.  Million Dollar Man is #2.  Man, he is still paying for supposedly buying #30 in 1989.  Bulldog starts off hot, but soon enough Dibiase takes Bulldog to school.  Dibiase dumps Bulldog over but Davey Boy stays on the apron.  He comes back in and clotheslines a gloating Dibiase to the floor.  No title for Teddy.  Thanks to Coliseum Video, there’s no surprise here.  It’s Flair at #3.  Bobby does not like this draw at all.  Gorilla mentions that no one drawing #1-5 have won the Rumble.  That’s funny since we’ve now had numbers 1 through 4 all win it.  Bulldog manhandles Flair for the next 2 minutes.  Jerry Sags is #4.  Sags and Flair double-team the Bulldog.  Bulldog comes back with a double clothesline.  Davey Boy tosses Sags over, but he hangs on.  As he brags on the apron, the Bulldog dropkicks him to the floor.  Now it’s back to Bulldog and Flair.  Haku (subbing for Brian Knobbs) is #5.  Haku and Flair start to beat up on the Bulldog but soon Haku turns on the Nature Boy.  As the countdown begins, Bulldog casually dumps Haku out.  #6 is Shawn Michaels, who receives a not so warm welcome.  Michaels comes in and takes it to Flair.  He even gets Sweet Chin Music on him, except not to the same effect it would have later on in his career.  The Bulldog clotheslines Shawn over the top but he hangs on.  I love how so many people are hanging on as it shows how much they want to win.  El Matador is #7 and he goes right after Ric.  Flair gets nailed with a Santana flying forearm.  #8 is Barbarian.  Flair and Barbarian attack the Bulldog, while Shawn and Tito duke it out.  Texas Tornado strolls out at #9 and does his usual aimless punching to everyone.  Pairing off are Flair and the Tornado, Santana and the Barbarian and the Bulldog and Michaels.  Repo Man marks the third-way point at #10.  He stalks around the ring for a few seconds before entering.  Everyone is making the rounds trying to meet…er…attack each other. 

Greg Valentine is #11 and immediately trades chops with Flair.  Ring is filling up with some fluff now.  Shawn is hanging on the apron again.  #12 is Nikolai Volkof, who is subbing for Marty Janetty.  At this point, if Volkof won the title, he could probably get a loaf of bread and two buttons for it in Mother Russia.  Heenan is going crazy again as Valentine has slapped the figure four on Flair.  Repo Man just backdropped Nikolai to the floor, so scratch my previous statement.  Big Boss Man comes in at #13 and punches away on everyone.  Repo Man tosses out Valentine.  Who would have guessed Repo would eliminate 2 guys in less than 2 minutes?  But before Repo can do anymore damage, Big Boss Man grabs and heaves him to the floor.  Out of nowhere, Flair musters enough strength to hoist Bulldog up and out.  And just like that, Flair also sends Texas Tornado to the floor.  Bye Bye Kerry!  Flair is getting his second wind.  #14 Hercules comes out as Michaels and Santana eliminate each other.  Barbarian tries to eliminate Flair but Hercules comes up and dumps the Barbarian.  Boss Man follows that up by clotheslining Hercules out.  We’re down to Flair and the Boss Man.  It’s all Boss Man until he tries a charge.  Flair moves out of the way and the Boss Man ends up launching himself over the rope and to the floor.  No one can believe it, as the Nature Boy is left alone in the ring.  Flair can barely rest, when #15 is the new Intercontinental champ Roddy Piper.  If you recall, Piper and Flair have had issues before this too.  Piper dominates Flair; including giving him an airplane spin and sleeper.  Jake Roberts is #16 and just sits in the corner to allow Piper and Flair to fight.  That doesn’t last long as soon Roberts jumps Piper.  What a snake!  Flair puts a figure four on Jake and Roddy comes over to stomp on both of them.  The buzzer sounds, but it might as well be a groan because it’s Hacksaw.  He’s #17.  The faces and heels square off now.  #18 is IRS, who takes his time heading to the ring.  IRS and Duggan brawl, while Flair and Jake try to eliminate Piper.  Gorilla announces that it has been 36 minutes for Flair so far.  Ol’ Coconut Head Jimmy Snuka is #19.  Flair teeters on the brink of elimination a couple of times.  The Undertaker strolls out at #20.  It should be noted that the Undertaker and Hogan were given “special treatment” because of their involvement with the title match at Tuesday in Texas.  This meant they would get to draw between #20 – 30 only.  As you can see, Taker didn’t even get that great of a number.  Regardless, he walks into the ring and with one shot eliminates Snuka.  Man, Taker loves to beat the crap out of Superfly.  Taker then begins to choke out Ric.  Is that anyway to say thanks to the man who helped you win your first title? 

Macho Man is #21 and immediately runs after Jake.  Taker catches Macho before he can get to him though.  Finally, Savage gets to Roberts and goes to town on him.  It doesn’t take long before Macho kneedrops Jake out.  Macho then makes a major faux pas by going up to the top rope and jumping out and onto Jake.  The announcers try their best to cover it up, but we all know he f*cked up.  Right now, the pairs are Macho and Flair, Duggan and the Taker, and Piper and IRS.  Berzerker husses his way out at #22.  Flair tries suplexing Macho Man from the apron, but Savage reverses it and brings Flair back in.  Virgil is #23 and sadly no one cares.  Nothing of note happens as they are slowly getting ready for the big finish.  #24 is Col. Mustafa who Monsoon calls “dangerous”.  Oooh, I’m trembling!  Monsoon then catches a bout of J.R.itis by calling Ric Flair, Rick Martel.  Speaking of Martel, he comes out now at #25.  Duggan decides he’s tired, so he mugs for the crowd and tries getting a U.S.A. chant started.  The fans don’t want to chant U.S.A., you dolt!  They are too interested in watching the real wrestlers actually fight!  Hulk Hogan is #26.  Of course he got a good number.  Hogan gets trapped in a corner by Taker, Berzerker and IRS.  Hulk comes firing back and clotheslines both Taker and the Berzerker out of the ring.  Fans are going nuts as Heenan is sweating bullets.  Hacksaw and Virgil eliminate each other.  So long to dead weight.  Skinner, chaw and all, comes out at #27.  I have to laugh as Martel sells a Piper headscissors, as if someone is using a tazer on him.  #28 is Sgt. Slaughter.  The announcers mention that he’s a former WWF champ as if that actually means he is a candidate to win here.  Rick Martel dumps out Skinner.  At this point, it is announced that Flair has the new longevity record beating previous record set in 1991 by Martel.  Great pop for Sid Justice who is #29.  Flair and Hulk duke it out.  The Warlord gets lucky #30.  One of these guys is getting the strap.  Hogan and Flair brawl on the floor but aren’t eliminated.  Sid whips Slaughter so hard into the corner that he falls all the way to the floor.  Piper eliminates IRS via his own necktie.  Hogan and Sid team up to get rid of the Warlord.  As Piper and Martel brawl, Sid walks up and pushes both of them out. 

Your Final Four are: Hulk Hogan, Sid Justice, Ric Flair and Macho Man.  A decent quartet any way you look at it, as all four are still viable candidates to win.  Savage is eliminated by Sid and Flair.  Hulk knocks Flair onto the apron and tries to kick him off.  Sid comes from behind and tosses out Hulk, much to the glee of a number of fans.  Hulk, furious over Sid’s actions, grabs Sid’s arm and begins to tug.  OUR HERO!  Flair gives enough of an assist to eliminate Sid and become the NEW WWF CHAMPION.  Wooo!  Heenan is beyond jubilant and immediately leaves the booth to congratulate the new champ. 

Postmatch, the suits have to come out and prevent Sid and Hulk from going at it.

- Backstage Jack Tunney presents Flair with the WWF title.  Flair then delivers an emotional promo and gets his moment in the sun.  In the middle of it all, Mean Gene has to reprimand someone for lighting a cigarette.  Gene was just pissed that his butt buddy Hogan didn’t win.

BL: What a truly great Rumble.  Not only for Flair’s marathon performance, but also for all the mini angles that were played up throughout the match. (Flair-Piper, Savage-Roberts, Hulk-Sid)  This will perhaps be the best Rumble ever.  *****

Final Thought: Well anyone that is a fan of Royal Rumble matches HAS to see this one.  On top of the great Rumble match, the New Foundation/Orient Express match is solid as well.  The Piper win is also memorable and emotional.  I think that qualifies this as a must-see.               

Next time, we’ve located the whereabouts of the Ultimate Warrior but are still searching for those Liz photos.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.
  

E-MAIL ADAM
BROWSE THE OOLD TYME ARCHIVES

Originally from Cleveland, Adam is now a graduate student at the University of Dayton who is looking to make a couple extra bucks writing this column. What do you mean Rick doesn't pay his columnists?

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