by Adam Gutschmidt
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

- Emanating from the (W)Hoosierdome in Indianapolis, Indiana

- Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby “the Brain” Heenan

- Reba McEntire sings the National Anthem and surprisingly she doesn’t succumb to the temptation of wearing all WWF apparel for her performance.  The Brain is already on his A game by calling McEntire, Tito’s sister, Arriba.

Opening Match: “El Matador” Tito Santana vs. Shawn Michaels

Prematch note: Gorilla announces that Shawn has already challenged the winner of the IC title match.  Gee, I wonder if he’s going over here.  Michaels jaws at Tito to begin.  Tito doesn’t take too kindly to that and gets a high crossbody for 2.  After escaping a headlock, Shawn gets clotheslined to the floor.  As Shawn gets up onto the apron, Santana gets him in a headlock again and drags him over the top rope and into the ring.  Interesting spot.  Shawn keeps trying to escape but Tito just won’t let go.  Shawn finally breaks it and tosses Tito over the top rope.  Back in, Shawn hits a backbreaker for 2.  Then, he slaps on a reverse chinlock.  Man, a lot of resting for these two guys.  Tito gets free but then runs right into Sweet Chin Music.  It’s not Shawn’s finisher yet, so Santana is still in this match.  Tito blocks a side suplex attempt.  Santana hits a flying forearm that sends Shawn to the floor.  They brawl on the floor before Tito tosses Michaels back in.  He then propels himself in as well.  Santana hits a high knee and a reverse atomic drop.  Tito hits the Chipolte Special and Michaels again rolls to the floor.  On the apron, Santana tries to suplex Shawn back in.  Shawn holds onto the top rope and falls on top of Santana.  Shawn hooks the leg and gets the pinfall.

Bottom Line: Well, I understand they were going for the cheap heel win to put heat on Michaels, but I’m going to need a little bit more action from Shawn for me to rate the match high.  I’ve seen better openers.  * ¾

- Mean Gene has an on-the-floor chat with the Legion of Doom.  This is their return from a brief vacation after they dropped the straps to Money Inc.  This is also the WWF debut of Paul Ellering.  Legion of Doom really say nothing of importance here.  LOD was already getting bad in the ring.  Now they add a ridiculous manager and his doll (Rocco) to their suckiness.  Ellering says it’s “the beginning of the end.”  I think he’s referring to my interest in this team.

- Sean Mooney listens to the creepy message of Jake Roberts as we see clips of Jake’s attack on Undertaker during the Funeral Parlor.  I wonder why they didn’t show a clip of where Taker stole the chair that Jake was going to use on Elizabeth?  Oh yeah, because it made absolutely no sense except for the fact that they had to turn Taker face and in a hurry.

Jake “the Snake” Roberts vs. The Undertaker

Storyline here is that Undertaker and Jake Roberts were “buddies of the night” while Jake feuded with Macho Man.  During one edition of Saturday Night’s Main Event, Undertaker stopped Jake from hitting Liz with a chair.  No explanation was given why the Taker did it (like I said, the turn made no sense) but Jake was upset nonetheless and thus we have this match.  To the match, Jake starts off by trying to avoid the Undertaker.  Jake clotheslines Taker to the floor but he lands on his feet and drags Jake out with him.  Taker posts Roberts on the floor.  Back inside, Jake gets some tepid offense that Taker no-sells.  Undertaker comes back with some lengthy choking.  Big clothesline by Undertaker and Jake already looks to be finished.  A tombstone attempt is reversed by Jake who turns it into a DDT.  Undertaker rises up from the dead only to get a 2^nd DDT.  Jake foolishly goes after Paul Bearer, as Undertaker sits up again.  Taker grabs Jake and tombstones him on the floor.  Taker rolls Jake back inside to get the 3 count and finish Roberts off in more than one way.  (Jake would shortly leave the WWF after this.)

BL: Another Wrestlemania squash for the Undertaker that was fun to watch but really doesn’t rank high as far as workrate goes.  ¾ *

- Mean Gene has an interview with both Roddy Piper and Bret Hart.  Piper is all fun and games while Bret is all business.  Geez Bret, lighten up will ya?

WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: “Rowdy” Roddy Piper (champ) vs. Bret “the Hitman” Hart

Prematch story:  Mark this day down because it was the day I started my hatred for Bret Hart.  Roddy Piper was one of my favorites back then and it really bugged me how Bret, even back then, whined his way to get this title shot.  First of all, this went against the normal pattern of having faces win titles from heels and vice versa.  Secondly, if Bret wasn’t stupid enough to wrestle with a 104 degree temperature, he wouldn’t have lost the title in the first place.  While I can now appreciate his great in-ring skill, I can honestly say I was ahead of the times in thinking Bret was a crybaby.  Hart and Piper lockup and we’re underway.  They exchange mat skills until Bret tosses Piper out from a waistlock.  Piper wants a test of strength and gets it.  Bret breaks free and works on Roddy’s arm.  Bret hits Roddy with a dropkick, but appears to injure his shoulder on the way down.  Roddy goes to check on him and Bret rolls him in a small package for 2.  It’s cheap stuff like that, that always ticked me off.  Piper gives Bret a huge slap for that.  Kudos!  Bret goes for a high crossbody that sends both men to the floor.  As Bret comes in, Piper gives him a cheapshot to gain the advantage.  In this case, I do believe 2 wrongs make a right.  Piper hits a nice bulldog.  That gets 2, as Bret appears to be busted open.  High knee gets 2 as it’s all Piper right now.  Sunset flip by Bret gets 2.  Slugfest ensues with neither man gaining a true advantage.  Roddy goes up top but gets caught.  Bret begins to go through his Trademark 5.  Piper blocks a couple Sharpshooter attempts.  Bret goes for a second rope elbow, but gets booted coming down.  Bret and Roddy go back to duking it out.  Bret goes for a bulldog but gets thrown into the referee.  Both men brawl to the floor.  As Bret rolls inside, Piper grabs the ringbell.  He thinks about whacking Bret with it, but grows a conscience and decides against it.  Jimmy Snuka’s wishing Piper would have had that conscience back in 1984.  Piper opts for a sleeper instead.  Still in the sleeper, Bret walks up the turnbuckle pads and flips into a pinning combination for a 3 count.

Postmatch: Piper is the bigger man and hands Bret the belt instead of waffling him with it.

BL: Well I hated Bret going over but I suppose it was the right thing to do.  This was a very intense, gritty battle.  I felt the fact that it was two faces fighting took a little something away from this match though.  *** ½

- Bobby Heenan gives us a big surprise by introducing the newest WBF (World Body Federation) superstar, Lex Luger.  Even talking about his favorite subject, himself, Luger fails to make it interesting.  I know, I’m as shocked as you are.  It’s a dead heat as to what is a bigger joke; Luger or the WBF.

- The Mountie, The Nasty Boys and Repo Man are all very excited about tonight despite the fact they are in a lame 8-man tag match.

- Sgt. Slaughter, Bossman, Virgil and Duggan hold their monthly MENSA meeting and we’re privileged to sit in on it.

Big Bossman, Virgil, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, and Sgt. Slaughter vs. Repo Man, The Mountie and The Nasty Boys

Family Feud’s Ray Combs introduces the teams and takes some cheap shots at the heel team.  Combs said that he chose not to make fun of the faces because “that would have been too easy.”  Faces clean house when the heels try to jump Combs.  Heenan interrupts Gorilla to announce, “Shawn Michaels has left the building!”  Gorilla asks, “Who cares?” and I say that I care more about that than this match.  Duggan tries a HOOO! chant and gets nailed from behind by Sags.  Thank goodness!  Basically, everyone gets tagged in once to do a few moves before all eight men spill into the ring again.  Finish comes when Sags accidentally nails Knobs with Virgil’s noseguard and Virgil picks up the victory for his team.

BL: Basic filler match so that they could put a bunch of guys on the card, who I couldn’t care about.  Duggan shocked me as he won a match without his 2 x 4.  Still doesn’t bring this above DUD.

- Sean Mooney gets the honor of listening to Mr. Perfect and Ric Flair give another great promo that sparkles more than Ric’s robe.

- Mean Gene has an interview with Macho Man’s dressing room door.  Best Mean Gene interview EVER!

WWF Championship Match: Ric Flair (champ) vs. “Macho Man” Randy Savage

For the uninformed, this feud got started after Flair won the title at the Rumble.  It was originally believed that he would face Hogan for the title, but politics ruined that (big shocker).  Shortly after that Flair began claiming that he and Elizabeth were hot and heavy before she got saddled down with Savage.  This naturally enraged Macho and thus a feud was born.  To the match, Macho immediately chases Flair as they brawl in the aisle.  Mr. Perfect gets some cheap shots to slow Savage down.  Back in the ring, it remains all Macho as Heenan is already getting hoarse.  A backdrop to the floor by Flair gives him a breather.  Flair recoups and then attacks Macho on the outside.  A few chops and a big suplex give Flair a 2 count.  Flair continues his onslaught, which get him a few more nearfalls.  Flair kicks Savage to the floor where he works Macho’s back.  Flair suplexes Macho back inside for another 2 count.  Ric is getting impatient with Earl Hebner.  As Flair chops away, Macho tries to mount a comeback.  Flair whips Savage, but he comes back and hits a reverse neckbreaker.  Macho punches away at Flair until Ric slows him down with a thumb to the eye.  You are a dirty player Ric!  Flair goes up top but (GASP) Macho catches him.  Macho tosses him off but did it while standing on the bottom rope for some extra elevation.  Nice touch!  Savage is on fire as he whips Flair hard to the corner.  Ric flips out but recovers and climbs up top.  Flair goes for an axe handle.  He gets caught coming down.  Crowd is going nutso as that only gets a 2 count.  Macho clotheslines Flair to the floor.  Savage hits HIS top rope axe handle as Flair is flopping and bleeding all over the place.  In the ring, Macho hits another top rope axe handle for a 2 count yet again.  Heenan can’t take too much more of this.  Macho goes for the elbow and nails it.  Savage covers but Perfect pulls him out.  As Perfect is getting chased by Macho, he gives Flair some white foam knuckles.  Flair is able to punch Macho and hide the weapon in his trunks in one swift move.  Dirty pool old man!  It still only gets a 2 count though.  Perfect nails Macho with a chair while Flair distracts Earl Hebner.  Suddenly, Elizabeth pops out (of the dressing room, not her dress, you perverts).  I should note, Shane McMahon is one of the suits trying to stop Liz from going to ringside, because it’s not Wrestlemania without a McMahon!  Flair softens up Macho’s leg and eventually slaps on the figure four.  Savage eventually reverses it after Hebner stops Perfect from helping Flair.  Small package by Macho gets a 2 count.  Crowd has come unglued!  Flair shows Liz who THE MAN is by chopping Macho right in front of her.  Flair grabs Macho’s leg but Savage punches out.  He then immediately grabs Flair by the tights and rolls him up for the 3 count.  New Champ! 

Postmatch: With Randy still hurting, Flair kisses Liz.  Then, both men go at it until the usual bunch of idiots break it up.

BL: Good quick action + emotion + crowd heat + face going over = great, great match.  Ending was a little iffy but made it look like a fluke pin so the feud could continue.  ****

- Flair and Perfect give a typically great rant about their loss.  The promo is ruined though with a close-up clip of the Flair moon-shot during the pin.  Flair vows to regroup and daggummit I believe him.

- Macho Man tells Mean Gene that he wants ALL of Flair.  Somehow, I don’t think that includes a trip to Space Mountain.

- Now we come to the highlight of the tape; the leadup to the Hogan-Sid match.  This package includes Hogan acting like a 6-year-old when he’s named #1 contender at the Wrestlemania press conference, Sid’s BOGUS promo, Sid’s stop to the Barber Shop and his fight with Talcum powder.  If you don’t laugh during any of this, please consult a physician immediately.

- As Tatanka’s Lumbee tribe performs in the ring, his opponent, Rick Martel, cuts about as un-PC of a promo one is possible of doing.

Rick “The Model” Martel vs. Tatanka

As the match gets underway, some woman gets accosted in the bathroom.  Oh wait, nevermind, it’s just the Lumbee tribe singing as they leave ringside.  Martel starts off taking it to Tatanka.  Tatanka comes back with a few hiptosses.  No one, including the announcers, the fans and especially me are paying attention to this match.  Martel charges at Tatanka but misses and rams his shoulder into the post.  Tatanka smartly works Martel’s arm.  Martel turns the tide by tossing Tatanka over the top rope.  Back inside, Martel pounds away on Tatanka as Heenan starts making Cleveland Indians cracks.  Everybody loves picking on the “Mistake on the Lake”.  Martel goes up top but Tatanka shakes him off.  Tatanka’s comeback is brief as he gets caught putting his head down.  Rookie mistake.  Martel seems to be in control but Tatanka hits a crossbody out of nowhere and picks up the win.

BL: Well these 2 had the unenviable task of going on after Macho/Flair.  They did the best they could but no one really cared.  *

- Jimmy Hart tells Sean Mooney that he’s told Money Inc. what the Natural Disasters’ weaknesses are.  I’m guessing the list included fatty foods, cardboard walls and the ability to say no to new gimmicks.

- Mean Gene listens to the Disasters huff and puff and blow their promo badly.

WWF Tag Team Championship Match: Money Inc. (champs) vs. Natural Disasters

Some backstory here…originally it was scheduled to be a rematch from the Royal Rumble between the Disasters and the Legion of Doom.  Also, Money Inc. was scheduled to take on Sgt. Slaughter and Hacksaw here.  LOD decided to leave though shortly after the Rumble so that left the WWF without a top face team.  Having no confidence that Sarge and Duggan could fill that spot (who would?) Vince had Jimmy Hart double cross the Disasters and help Money Inc win the titles from the Legion of Doom.  That brought us to this match here.  Having said all that, I suffered through this match so I won’t put you through that misery too.  Here’s the Cliff Notes version of this review.  Dibiase and IRS bump around for the Disaster’s lousy offense.  Money Inc. mounts a brief comeback, which Typhoon no-sells.  Earthquake gets the hot tag and cleans house.  Money Inc. bails for the hella-weak countout loss.

BL:  Well this is the second PPV in a row that the Natural Disaster would win a Tag Title match via countout.  They would lose about 20 more like that until they finally wised up and had stipulations put in so that they could win the titles.  The tag division was in trouble here as those workrate fanatics, the Natural Disasters, were your top faces.  The Legion of Doom was back but they were busy talking to a dummy.  And your champs, Money Inc., were booked as pathetic losers who’d always choose to lose the “purse money” than the straps.  ¼ *

- Brutus Beefcake cuts a promo that preaches the good word of Hulk Hogan while having some homosexual undertones to it.  Beefcake wasn’t involved with any other part of the show so why are we forced to listen to him speak here?

“The Rocket” Owen Hart vs. Skinner

As Owen jumps into the ring, Skinner skoals him to get the advantage.  Skinner quickly hits the Gatorbreaker but only gets 2.  Skinner tosses Owen outside but Owen hangs onto the top rope.  He hoists himself back in and rolls up an unsuspecting Skinner for the quickie win.

BL: Now there’s a way to push a guy’s new singles career.  Have him get no offense and win via a fluke roll-up.  Meaningless filler here.  DUD

- We get to hear Sid’s final screams…I mean thoughts.  He will make this Hulk’s last match.  And I laugh.

Hulk Hogan vs. Sid Justice

Dr. Harvey Wippleman (I’d like to see his credentials) is OUR guest announcer.  Why exactly did they make him Sid’s manager anyways?  Sid certainly didn’t need a mouthpiece.  Wippleman also didn’t bring any extra heel heat to him.  He also didn’t have an established stable like Fuji or Jimmy Hart.  He was basic window dressing for Sid.  Anyways, as Justice walks down the aisle, the announcers refer to him for the first time as Psycho Sid.  Hulk makes his way down to the ring and immediately starts getting pounded on by Sid.  Hulk comes back and knocks Sid out of the ring.  Sid makes numerous attempts to get back into the ring, but Hulk won’t let him.  After he knocks Sid down for about the sixth time, Hulk finally rips his off his shirt.  Keep in mind that “Real American” has kept on playing throughout all of this.  Finally, the bell rings and Sid shows who the man is with some impressive kicks and punches.  Hulk fights back and knocks Sid out to the floor again.  Sid thinks about pulling a Money Inc. but realizes he doesn’t have a title as compensation for the loss, so he gets back into the ring.  Sid offers a test of strength and Hulk ponders the proposal.  A woman in Section 155, Row G, Seat 6 says “Go for it Hulk” so Hogan obliges.  Sid dominates and then knees Hogan before he can comeback.  Sid nails Hogan with a one-handed chokeslam that actually looked impressive.  Sid then holds a conversation with the cameraman instead of pinning him.  Oh, I see.  He’s unstable!  Sid then works the back, which includes a couple of shots with Wippleman’s dangerous medical bag.  After this furious pace, it’s obvious that we need a resthold, so Sid does just that.  After lulling even the strongest to sleep, Sid releases the hold and delivers the gentlest powerbomb I’ve ever seen.  Sid covers but we got a pop up.  Hulk is up and hits the Big Boot but it doesn’t drop Sid.  Hulk musters up enough strength to slam him and then drops the leg.  THAT only gets a 2 count.  Wippleman walks into the ring and before he even touches Hogan, Hebner disqualifies Sid.  I guess Hebner can now see into the future or could it be that somebody missed their cue?  As Hogan continues his attack on Wippleman and Sid, Papa Shango finally strolls on down to ringside to help Sid out. This might have made sense if Sid and Shango had actually acknowledged the other’s presence anytime before this.  Just when things look bleakest for our hero, oh my, it’s the Ultimate Warrior making his return after over a 7-month absence.  Warrior cleans house and the faces celebrate.

BL: This was a struggle to get through.  Lots of stalling and mediocre offense.  The Ultimate Warrior saved this from being the standard boring Hogan finish.  ½ *

Final Thought: Well, as far as I’m concerned, you can stop watching after the Macho/Flair match.  It seemed as if they could have rearranged the card better to make the good and the bad be not so lopsided.  Unless you’re a big Warrior fan, don’t bother with the Hogan match.  Speaking of the Warrior, he proved to be only a temporary fix as opposed to a permanent replacement for the exiting Hulk Hogan as he was gone again 6 months later.

Next time, we have a jolly old time trying to figure out whose corner Mr. Perfect will be in.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.
  

E-MAIL ADAM
BROWSE THE OOLD TYME ARCHIVES

Originally from Cleveland, Adam is now a graduate student at the University of Dayton who is looking to make a couple extra bucks writing this column. What do you mean Rick doesn't pay his columnists?

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