by Adam Gutschmidt
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

- Emanating from Wembley Stadium in London, England

- Your commentators are Vince McMahon and Sir Bobby Heenan

- This was billed as “the Summerslam you thought you’d never see.”  Who actually though that?

Opening Match: Legion of Doom vs. Money Inc.

LOD try acting all cool by riding down to ringside on motorcycles, but let’s face it, anytime you have a manager who talks to a dummy, you are not hip with it anymore.  Hawk and Dibiase start things off for their respective teams.  Hawk and Animal take turns beating up Dibiase in and out of the ring.  IRS gets tagged in and fares no better.  IRS turns things around with a sleeper (already??) on Hawk.  Hawk backs into a corner to break the hold and then goes back to his offensive moves as if nothing happened.  Vince calls Hawk “resilient”.  Resiliency, no-selling, same thing.  Hawk misses a top rope clothesline and rolls to the floor.  Dibiase slams Hawk on the floor and then tosses him back in.  Money Inc. take turns working over Hawk without bothering to tag each other.  Joey Marella is watching them enter and exit the ring without even coming close to tagging.  That’s just sloppy.  Hawk gets a couple of brief chances to make the tag but Money Inc. does a nice job of making sure he doesn’t.  While in a front face lock, Hawk manages to force Dibiase back and tag Animal.  Too bad Marella was tied up with IRS and didn’t see it.  OH THE IRONY!  Hawk and IRS hit a double KO spot and then finally they both make the tag.  Animal comes in and dominates Money Inc.  LOD try for the Doomsday Device on Dibiase but IRS dropkicks Animal.  Animal whips Dibiase into IRS.  He then powerslams a dazed Dibiase and picks up the victory.

Bottom Line: Well like most of LOD’s recent opponents at that time, Money Inc. had to cater to the LOD’s style; slow and boring.  Also, I know it’s an old standard to allow heel blind tags but not face blind tags.  Having said that, the match loses credibility when heels don’t tag at all and the ref is looking straight at them.  Speaking of credibility, LOD was losing all of theirs fast when they brought in Rocco.  Boy did I hate that dummy.  * ½

- Ric Flair makes things more confusing rather than clearer as to whose corner Mr. Perfect will be in tonight.  Maybe if it was someone other than Mean Gene asking him, he would have given us an answer.

- Virgil tells Sean Mooney that he’s “too legit to quit”.  Virg, I hate to tell you, but you aint ever been legit.  And saying how you grew up “surviving on the streets” proves that point.

Nailz vs. Virgil

Bobby Heenan warns us ahead of time that we “aren’t going to see much wrestling here.”  Oh joy!  Nailz starts off by instantaneously choking Virgil.  Virgil comes back with a flurry of offense that doesn’t seem to faze Nailz.  Nailz goes back to choking.  Virgil hits a sunset flip and a rollup but he can’t keep Nailz down.  Nailz goes back to choking.  Virgil tries yet again to knock down Nailz but Nailz drops him with a clothesline.  Nailz goes back to choking but this time it’s devastating enough to put Virgil down for the count and give Nailz the submission victory. 

Postmatch: Nailz gives Virgil a nightstick beating.

BL: You know you can’t just throw an orange jumpsuit on a guy who can scowl well and expect him to be a good wrestler.  This match was proof of that.  And you can’t blame Virgil.  Lord knows, I usually do.  He was certainly game here.  For all you trivia buffs out there, Nailz’ prison number was 902714.  DUD

- Inspector Alfred Hayes is puzzled by Macho Man’s locked dressing room door.

- Mean Gene runs down with Sherri the lead-up to the bizarre Shawn Michaels/Rick Martel feud.  Sherri says that during this match she’ll stand by her man.  Tammy Wynette she aint.

Shawn Michaels vs. “The Model” Rick Martel

A funny moment before the match begins, as Bobby Heenan commentating on Rick Martel’s tennis outfit says, “Andre Agassi, eat your heart out.”  Not 30 seconds later, Martel says the same thing into the camera.  For those interested, this feud came to be because both men were vying for Sherri’s affection.  Sherri put a stipulation in this match that neither man can hit the other one in the face.  Martel gets Michaels in a headlock to start.  Shawn comes back with a dropkick.  Michaels, looking for approval from Sherri, gets nailed from behind by Martel.  Martel goes for a bodypress off the 2^nd rope but Shawn moves out of the way.  Both men trade wristlocks and threaten to punch each other in the face.  Who will break the rule first?  The suspense is killing me.  Martel launches Shawn over the top rope.  As Sherri checks on Shawn, Martel comes out and gives Sherri a hug.  Vince exclaims, “She likes it” as if she was eating a bowl of Life cereal.  Martel then takes it to Shawn on the outside.  Inside, Martel hits a back bodydrop.  Martel now seems to be focusing on Shawn’s back.  Both men exchange rollups and feel it’s necessary to pull down their opponents’ trunks each time.  So much for family entertainment.  Michaels hits some Sweet Ab Music (remember no hitting in the face.) for a 2 count.  Shawn knees a charging Martel and then tries to pin him with his feet on the ropes.  Ref sees it and stops the count.  As Shawn jaws with the ref, Martel rolls him up for a 2 count.  Tempers flare now as both men slap each other in the face.  They each prepare to punch the other one, which causes Sherri to faint.  As Shawn looks to begrudgingly resuscitate her, Martel shoves him out of the way.  Both men begin to brawl on the floor and we get a cheap double count-out. 

Postmatch: As the suits break up the two, Michaels goes and starts to carry Sherri back.  Martel comes back, nails Shawn and decides he’ll carry Sherri to the dressing room.  Shawn hits Martel and grabs Sherri again.  Martel, now with a pail of water, douses Sherri to revive her.  Michaels chases Martel to the back leaving a soaking Sherri out to dry.  Get it?  Out to dry!  I kill me.

BL:  Well this had its pluses and minuses.  On the plus side, this was a novel idea by having two heels feud.  Also, these two worked a pretty solid match.  On the other hand, the match ended in a double count-out.  That’s always a crowd pleaser.  In addition, this feud would have been more believable if these two guys were feuding over a woman who was a little easier on the eyes.  Someone like Bea Arthur, for instance. ** ¾

- The Nasty Boys cackle over Sherri’s misfortunes.  Then they put Jimmy Hart into a corner and force him to get them a title shot.  This would be the first seed planted in the eventual face turn of the Nasties.

WWF Tag Team Championship Match: Natural Disasters (champs) vs. The Beverly Brothers

Before the match, the Genius shows England a thing or two about how poetry is written.  Disasters get a scary pop during their entrance.  Beverlies jump the Disasters as the bell rings but it’s short lived.  Disasters begin their thrilling big man offense.  Beverlies get back into control when Earthquake accidentally avalanches Typhoon.  The Beverlies unmercifully double team Typhoon and he sells it the only way he knows how; by just lying there.  We interrupt this thrilling match to give you some URGENT news: Shawn Michaels has left Wembley Stadium.  I love how Heenan always made that announcement during meaningless matches.  Blake hits a big splash and gets a 2 count.  Blake then slaps on a front face lock.  This resthold is brought to you by Hoover.  Hoover, nothing sucks dirt better than a Hoover and nothing sucks the life out of a match better than a resthold.  Typhoon powers his way over to tag Earthquake and does.  Ref isn’t looking, so it of course doesn’t count.  No, I’m not getting repetitive, this actually happened in this tag match as well.  How creative!  Typhoon hits a double clothesline but fails to make the tag.  Typhoon attempts to slam Blake, but Beau dropkicks him on top of Typhoon for 2.  Typhoon hits a facebuster and goes over to tag.  Before he can, Beau distracts Earthquake.  While that happens Blake nails Typhoon with Genius’s scroll.  Earthquake comes in and breaks up the pin attempt.  Typhoon finally makes the tag.  Earthquake manhandles Beau pretty easily.  A double team effort by the Beverlies ends in failure.  Earthquake hits his butt splash and finishes them off.

Postmatch: The Disasters rough up the Genius.

BL: It could have been worse.  Props to the Beverlies for continuing to find offensive moves that looked effective yet allowed Typhoon to just lie around motionless.  I’m still stunned as to how much the Brits loved the Natural Disasters.  Maybe they mistook one of them for Fergie. *

- The Bushwackers tell Mean Gene what they are going to do during their visit to Buckingham Palace.  Words can’t even begin to describe how much I hate pointless Bushwacker segments like this.  Let me add that I feel all Bushwacker segments are pointless.

- Lord Alfred Hayes says he is going to break his code of ethics (what ethics?) and barge into the Ultimate Warrior’s dressing room to see if Mr. Perfect is there.  As soon as he opens it a crack, it’s slammed in his face.  Lord Alfred Hayes then has the gall to call THAT rude.  It should be noted that the audience knows it’s the Ultimate Warrior’s dressing room thanks to the paper cut-out of the Warrior symbol that looks like a 2^nd grade arts and crafts project hanging on the door.

Crush vs. Repo Man

Demolition explodes!  Repo Man is the former Smash and Crush is now in the beginning of his Hawaiian strongman gimmick.  Repo jumps Crush at the get-go but Crush no-sells.  Big press slam by Crush.  Repo tries to recover on the outside but Crush goes right out after him.  In the ring, Crush works over Repo’s midsection.  A thumb to the eye slows Crush down.  Repo hits a back suplex.  Crush again no-sells and hits Repo with a belly-to-belly.  Crush goes up top and misses what looked like a kneedrop.  I’m not sure, your guess is as good as mine.  At this point we get a blatant clipjob as Crush is making his comeback.  Comeback is short lived as Repo nails Crush when he puts his head down.  Repo goes up top but Crush catches and slams him on his way down.  Crush locks on the head vice and picks up the victory.

Postmatch: We learn Crush uses…excuse me…is a proponent of ICOPRO.

BL:  Well I didn’t care much for the no-selling but Crush’s offense was decent enough to make the match manageable to watch.  ¾ * 

- Mean Gene introduces video highlights leading up to tonight’s Savage/Warrior match.  Whose corner will Mr. Perfect be in?  It’s as compelling of a question as “Who shot J.R.?” or “Where’s the beef?”

WWF Championship Match: Macho Man Randy Savage (champ) vs. The Ultimate Warrior

Both men arrive to the ring sans Mr. Perfect.  As they get face to face, they question each other’s integrity.  They hesitantly shake hands but that only leads to shoving and we’re underway.  Macho starts off hot with a series of clotheslines.  Macho goes for a top rope axe handle but gets nailed on his way down.  Warrior goes on the offensive with a couple of atomic drops.  Warrior misses an elbow and Macho starts punching away on him.  Action is going back and forth here.  The two botch a spot where Macho is supposed to throw Warrior into the corner.  Then they commit Cardinal Sin #1; they redo the spot.  You’re not fooling anyone guys.  Macho sends Warrior to the floor with a clothesline.  Macho rolls him back in and gets a 2 count.  Macho hits the top rope axe handle but Warrior no sells it.  Macho hits a 2^nd one that drops the Warrior and gets a 2 count.  Macho tries a third but gets caught by the Warrior.  Warrior gains momentum and starts taking it to Macho.  Warrior gets a couple of nearfalls.  Macho turns the tide once again catching the Warrior with a swinging neckbreaker.  Crowd seems to be favoring Warrior throughout this match.  

Macho’s back is hurting and he can’t complete a suplex as a result.  Warrior takes advantage of this and starts pounding away on Macho’s back.  Suplex by Warrior gets 2.  Warrior charges at Savage but flies over the top rope as Macho moves out of the way.  Macho hits a top rope axe handle on the outside.  Macho throws Warrior into the steps and post.  Macho gets a 2 count from a sunset flip as we see Mr. Perfect and Woooo Ric Flair saunter down to ringside.  Perhaps one of these guys did purchase Mr. Perfect’s services.  Hmm, the plot thickens.  Warrior is back up and goes for the big splash.  Macho gets his knees up at the last second.  Double clothesline spot as Perfect hasn’t shown favoritism to either man yet.  Warrior is up first and gets a nearfall.  Macho goes off the ropes and Perfect trips him.  WARRIOR SOLD OUT!  WARRIOR SOLD OUT!  

Warrior, with the advantage, whips Macho to the corner and he collides with Earl Hebner.  Warrior hits an axe handle of his own, but only gets a 2 count, as the ref was slow to come over and count.  As Warrior bickers with Hebner about the count, Macho shoves Warrior into Hebner.  Macho hits a piledriver and covers but no ref.  As Macho revives the ref, Perfect and Flair wake up the Warrior only to knock him back down.  This is so confusing!  Whose side are they on?  Macho hits the elbow and the ref s l o w l y counts to 2.  Warrior starts getting the shakes, which can’t be good for anybody.  Warrior begins his 30 second squash set.  Oh how I’ve missed that.  Warrior goes for the big splash but Flair hits him with a chair from the outside.  Macho gets up and sees the Warrior out cold.  He realizes that Flair and Perfect must have done something to him.  Gee, you think Randy?  I thought maybe his heart had exploded or something like that.  Macho goes up for the elbow but instead jumps onto Flair instead.  As Macho comes down, Flair hits him in the knee with a chair.  Macho, in extreme pain, can’t get back to the ring and is counted out. 

Postmatch: Flair and Perfect do more damage to Macho’s knee until the Warrior chases them off with a chair.

BL: This match was a lot better than I remember it.  The back and forth action made it very exciting.  I could have done without the “whose side is Perfect on?” goofiness but in retrospective I understand they needed to do this to avoid Macho or Warrior having to do the J.O.B.  It’s a shame Flair had to be wasted in a role like this.  *** ½

- Flair and Perfect spell out for those completely inept (coughMeanGenecough) how they were working for themselves and no one sold out.

The Undertaker vs. Kamala

No explanation of this feud was given but I’m pretty sure this was a Jake Roberts feud.  In that, it was the type of feud where the heel tries to prove he’s not afraid of some aspect of the face but in reality he’s deathly afraid of it.  While we’re talking about Jake, I think it’s funny that Undertaker took over that Jake role after beating him at Wrestlemania 8.  It’s as if it was a passing of the guard in some way.  Actually, I’m probably looking into this way too deep.  Boy do I need help.  Oh yeah…the match.  Kamala tries the old Pearl Harbor number but Taker catches him and starts punching away on him.  Taker does his ropewalk trick and nails Kamala.  This has been all Undertaker so far.  Taker goes for a second ropewalk but Wippleman knocks him down.  Actually he gave the top rope a slight nudge and we’re supposed to believe that it’s enough motion to budge him.  Kamala clotheslines Taker to the floor.  As Taker tries to choke out Wippleman and Kimchee, Kamala attacks from behind.  After some tedious chops by Kamala, Taker comes back with a chokeslam.  Big clothesline by Undertaker.  Taker gets Kamala up for the Tombstone but Kimchee comes in and taps Taker with his safari hat to draw the DQ.  Ugh.

Postmatch: Kamala hits a couple of crappy splashes on Taker.  Taker does his Night of the Living Dead routine and scares the jeebus out of Kamala.

BL: Well this was far from great but too short to be offensive.  We get a DQ finish here because someone thought it would be a great idea to have these two feud for more than one month.  ½ *

- The British Bulldog says he’s fought hard the past 2 years to get this shot.  Yeah and 75% of that time was spent fighting the Warlord.  He also says that when he steps into the ring with his brother-in-law Bret, he’ll act as if he never met him before.  I know a lot of people who would treat him that way.

- Bret says he’s responsible for introducing his sister to the Bulldog AND he’s responsible for getting Davey Boy where he is today in the WWF.  Typical Bret.

- Roddy Piper and the Balmoral Highlanders toot their own horns.

- Sean Mooney gets thoughts on the Intercontinental Title match from Annie Oakley.  Oh I’m sorry, that’s Diana Hart.

WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Bret “the Hitman” Hart (champ) vs. The British Bulldog

Bulldog is seconded by boxer Lennox Lewis.  He of course gets a monster pop from all 80,000 of his countrymen.  Staredown leads to shoving to begin.  Shouldertackle by the Bulldog sends Bret flying to the floor.  Bret showcases some mat skills.  Bulldog hangs with him though.  Bulldog hits a slingshot.  Both men seem to focus on working the others arm.  Crucifix by Davey Boy gets 2.  Bret knees the Bulldog in the midsection and then continues his attack there.  Bret is being very systematic in his offense.  Bret hits a reverse atomic drop, which Vince calls a reverse piledriver.  At least he got the reverse part right.  Bulldog tries another crucifix but Bret gives him a Samoan drop instead.  That gets a 2 count.  Bulldog regains the momentum with a monkey flip.  Bulldog gets nailed as he charges Bret in the corner.  Bret hits the Bulldog with a bulldog.  OH THE IRONY!  Bret goes up top but gets thrown off.  Bulldog goes up top and he misses a splash.  This is why they are called HIGH RISK maneuvers people.  

Cringe Moment #1 as Bret hits an ugly plancha that Davey Boy didn’t look like he was expecting.  Bret posts the Bulldog and then throws him inside.  Bret seems to start going through his Trademark 5 but it’s a false alarm.  Big back bodydrop by Bret gets a 2 count.  Bret slaps on a front face lock for about the fourth or fifth time in this match.  Suplex by Bret gets 2.  Bulldog gets a backslide for a 2 count.  Bret hits a couple more of his Trademark 5 but doesn’t complete the set.  He must be spacing them out tonight.  Bret slaps on a sleeper.  Bulldog gets to the ropes and Bret takes a long time to release the hold.  He finally lets go only to slap it on again.  Bulldog shoves Bret into the corner to break the hold.  

Cringe Moment #2 as Davey Boy tries to press slam Bret but Bret falls and lands crotch-first on the middle rope.  Bulldog with a series of clotheslines.  Bulldog hits his delayed suplex.  Another 2 count for that.  Running powerslam gets 2.  What’s the Bulldog going to do now?  He’s out of moves.  Bret hits a sweet German suplex for a 2 count.  Bulldog nails a superplex.  That only gets 2.  Double clothesline spot.  Bret locks on the Sharpshooter.  Bulldog reaches the ropes.  Bulldog whips Bret who comes back and tries for a sunset flip.  Bulldog puts his knees down, hooks Bret’s legs and gets the 3 count to become the new IC champ.

Postmatch: We get the typical heel turn tease until the two faces hug.

BL: While I’ll always believe that it takes 2 to tango, Bret clearly orchestrated that entire match.  Davey Boy seemed just along for the ride for most of the match.  Bret has even admitted in interviews before, that the Bulldog blew up about 3 minutes into the match and Bret had to reexplain all their spots to him throughout the course of the match.  Hence why there are so many front face locks by Bret.  Kudos though to Bret as the match was extremely sound and entertaining.  At the time, it seemed the title change was done just to have Davey get a big win in the UK.  But as it was, it turned out to be a real good thing as Bret headed to the main event scene and the Bulldog fit the bill as face fodder for Shawn to win the IC title from.  **** ¼

Final Thoughts: This is an odd show as once again there is some decent wrestling but there is absolutely no direction in the storylines.  All three current champions after this show lose their titles before Survivor Series.  The location and environment gives this PPV a more special feel to it.  I certainly would suggest seeing this show at least once.  It’s what the Brits say, a bloody good show.

Next time, the WWF scrambles to change their main event after the Warrior flips out and leaves.  Not to worry, they’re used to it by now.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.  
  

E-MAIL ADAM
BROWSE THE OOLD TYME ARCHIVES

Originally from Cleveland, Adam is now a graduate student at the University of Dayton who is looking to make a couple extra bucks writing this column. What do you mean Rick doesn't pay his columnists?

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