by Adam Gutschmidt
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

To begin things today, I’d just like to thank everyone who contacted me with help for my video problem.  I’d especially like to thank Michael who’s going to be sending me the two shows that I needed.  Now I can keep kickin’ it old school without missing a beat for all you loyal OO readers out there.  On with the show…

- Before the show, Lord Alfred Hayes gets an interview with the Steiner Brothers as they prepare for their first WWF PPV match.  I don’t know what’s more shocking; the fact that I can understand what Scott Steiner is saying or that the Steiner Brothers find Lord Alfred worthy of wearing a University of Michigan letterman’s jacket.

- Emanating from the Arco Arena in Sacramento, California

- Your commentators are Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby “the Brain” Heenan

Opening Match: The Steiner Brothers vs. The Beverly Brothers

Bell has barely rung and Heenan is already making earmuff jokes.  Scott starts off by showing his superior wrestling skills on Beau.  Beau chalks up Scott’s early success to cheating.  Blake and Rick get tagged into the ring.  Big powerslam by Blake.  Criss-cross sequence ends with Rick catching Blake and slamming him.  Scott tagged back in and he hits a belly-to-belly on Blake.  Beverlys double team Scott to gain an advantage.  Beverlys choose Scott’s back as their target of attack. Blake chokes out Scott in the corner with the tag rope.  Oh how I miss the good ol’ days.  Nice underhook suplex by Beau.  Blake cinches in a Boston Crab, as the crowd rallies around Scott.  Scott hits a suplex on Blake but can’t get close enough to his corner to tag.  Scott hits a tiger bomb and that’s enough to allow him to tag.  Rick comes in and does an impressive release German suplex, which Blake does an accordion sell for.  Rick is taking care of both Beverlys in there.  Scott tagged in, but he gets caught in a double team.  Blake perches Scott on his shoulders and Scott gets a victory roll for 2.  Scott hits a nasty Frankensteiner on Blake and that’s all she wrote for the Beverlys.

Bottom Line: Steiner Brothers breathed some fresh air into the tag division.  These two teams put on a nice little match.  Would have liked it to go a little longer actually.  This just proves how wasted the Beverlys were.  ***

- Lord Alfred Hayes tries to get a scoop from Sherri as to whose corner she will be in.  She beats around the bush before telling him she has to change.  He asks if he can stay and watch.  She calls him a dirty old man.  She’s just now figuring this out?

- Gorilla introduces the history of the Rockers that ultimately led to the split and their Intercontinental Title match tonight.  Man, I never tire of seeing that Barber Shop incident.

WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Shawn Michaels (champ) vs. Marty Janetty

Sherri walks out first by herself.  She gives no indication as to whom she is siding with as both men enter the ring.  You see, Sherri has been Shawn’s manager for about a year now.  But recently he’s been thinking only about himself (I know, I’m as surprised as you are) and treating Sherri like dirt.  Then Janetty came back looking for revenge and Sherri has made some googily eyes at him.  Now that we’re all caught up, let’s get to the match where Janetty comes out swinging early on.  A high knee by Janetty sends Shawn flying over the top rope.  Janetty dives though the ropes onto a dazed Shawn.  Janetty jumps off the top rope but Shawn hits him on his way down.  Shawn picks up Marty and rams his right shoulder into the post.  And then it happens…Janetty sells the shoulder injury on the other shoulder.  This is one of those moments where I’m embarrassed to be a wrestling fan.  Shawn tries to recover by now attacking the shoulder that Janetty was selling.  Shawn gives a good mix of power and submission moves to work on Janetty’s shoulder.  Janetty tries to fight back by punching with his good arm.  Shawn goes up to the second rope, but gets booted on his way down.  Shawn recovers only to have his shoulder posted when he misses a charge.  Slugfest breaks out with Janetty getting the upper hand.  Shawn, in a desperation move, throws Janetty out of the ring.  Shawn tries to suplex Janetty back in, but Janetty reverses it and suplexes Shawn all the way to the floor.  Nice bump by Shawn.  Sherri creeps over to Shawn and seems to be concerned for him.  As she approaches him though, she slaps him.  Well that wasn’t ladylike!  Janetty back-suplexes Shawn into the ring and gets a 2 count.  Crowd is going crazy now.  Janetty whips Shawn to the corner and he flies all the way to the floor.  Janetty hits a powerslam and a DDT but still only gets 2.  Shawn goes for Sweet Chin Music but misses.  Janetty hits a thrust kick of his own.  Janetty posts Shawn with a slingshot and then rolls him up for a 2 ¾ count.  Shawn cocks his arm back for a punch and decks the referee in the process.  Janetty grabs Shawn and asks Sherri to nail him.  Sherri gets her high heel, swings, and accidentally nails Janetty instead.  OH THE IRONY!  Shawn chews out Sherri while seemingly waiting for Janetty or the referee to do something.  Neither of them do, so Shawn picks up Janetty, hits him with a thrust kick to finish him off and retain the title.

BL: This match had glimpses of greatness.  The shoulder switch and the overbooked (and possibly botched?) ending really weigh this match down in my book.  We would have to wait a few months before these two really had a classic match.  I personally feel they could have handled the Shawn/Sherri split better too.  ***

- Backstage, Mean Gene tries to calm down a hysterical Sherri.  Shawn comes back to yell at her more but Janetty jumps him and the Usual Bunch of Idiots try to separate the two of them.

- Lord Alfred Hayes gets a “Coliseum Obtrusive” with the Undertaker and Paul Bearer.  Taker says the list of Royal Rumble combatants is long but the list of casualties will be longer.  I’m not sure how that is possible but I’m sure not going to question him.

Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Big Bossman

Bigelow was just returning to the WWF while Bossman was on his way out, so I’ll give you one guess as to who goes over here.  Bigelow blindsides Bossman as he’s putting his nightstick away in the corner.  Bam Bam is taking it to the Bossman from pillar to post.  Bossman comes back with a pair of clotheslines.  Bossman sees Bam Bam is hot and decides to cool him off with his famous air punches.  Bam Bam slows Bossman in his tracks with a back suplex.  Bam Bam sends Bossman to the floor as he back body drops him over the top rope.  Bossman slowly crawls in and Bam Bam goes to work on his back.  Bossman fights out of a bearhug only to get nailed with a hotshot.  That gets a 2 count for Bam Bam.  Bam Bam goes back to the bearhug and the only heat left in this match is found on Bam Bam’s outfit.  Bossman blocks a suplex attempt and gives a lousy one to Bam Bam.  Bam Bam misses a crossbody and Bossman comes back swinging.  Bossman delivers a back body drop.  Bossman stays on offense until he gets booted charging into the corner.  Bam Bam hits the top rope headbutt and ends the Bossman’s night.

BL: This match wasn’t that bad considering the participants.  I was expecting a lot worse.  Crowd was absolutely dead however, which is probably why Bam Bam was constantly pushed for the next two years.  * ¾

- We’re shown highlights of Razor Ramon jumping Owen Hart during an interview on WWF Mania.  It’s followed by a promo from Razor Ramon who says after the match, he’ll be covered in gold.

- Bret Hart tells Mean Gene that he’ll defend his family’s honor in this match.  Looks like Bret is going to have to work extra hard because that’s a whole lotta family he has to defend.

WWF Championship Match: Bret “the Hitman” Hart vs. Razor Ramon

Stu and Helen are ringside.  A classic bit before the bell rings…Bret gives a kid in the audience his sunglasses and Razor in turn gives the kid his chewed-on toothpick.  Bret doesn’t take kindly to that and starts pounding away on him.  Both men slugging it out now with Razor getting the upper hand.  Razor rams his knee into the top turnbuckle when he misses a charge.  Being the consummate professional that he is, Bret goes right after said knee.  Bret slaps on a figure four leglock but Razor quickly grabs the ropes.  Bret continues the attack on the knee, including ramming it into the ringpost.  Razor reverses a whip and sends Bret crashing chest-first into the post.  Impressive spot!  Razor now smells blood and works on Bret’s midsection.  Razor decides to shift the focus of the attack from the chest to the back.  Man, Heenan is making some great jokes about Stu and Helen.  Razor hits the fallaway slam as Helen cringes while watching.  Razor sends Bret HARD into the turnbuckle.  That scores a 2 count.  An abdominal stretch by Razor.  Minus 5 points for Razor because he doesn’t grab the top rope for leverage.  Bret reverses the hold but Razor quickly powers out of it.  Bret gets a crossbody for 2 but can’t keep the momentum.  Razor slaps on a bearhug and Bret has to bite Razor to free himself.  OUR HERO!  Bret back body drops Razor out of the ring and then dives through the ropes on top of him.  Wow!  Bret tosses Razor back inside and then begins to punch him mercilessly.  Bret then goes through his Trademark 5.  Bret tries for the Sharpshooter but Razor grabs the ropes.  Bret tries again but he can’t turn him over.  Bret hits a back suplex.  Razor boots Bret as he tries an elbow drop from the 2^nd rope.  Razor goes for the Razor’s Edge but Bret reverses it into a backslide for 2.  Razor goes back to trying to wear Bret down.  Bret catches Razor in a bow and arrow pinning combination but only gets 2.  With both men lying down, Bret grabs Razor’s legs and puts him into the Sharpshooter.  Razor quickly submits and Bret wins.

BL:  Another solid match tonight.  What is in the water?  I never bought Razor as a credible main eventer, especially at this point in his WWF tenure.  He did a decent job here however.  Bret was doing a great job of making himself out to be a fighting, resilient champion.  *** ¼

- Ray Rougeau gets Macho Man’s thoughts on the Rumble.  He feels that he is going to win it.  Just once I’d like to hear an entrant think someone else is going to win.

Bobby Heenan unveils to the audience The Narcissist Lex Lugar.  Bobby does his usual over-the-top fawning.  It’s hilarious.  Here are my thoughts on the Narcissist:  This was the perfect gimmick for Lugar.  Having said that, the gimmick is completely stupid because no narcissistic person would risk having their face or body ruined in a fight.

- Ray Rougeau hears an irate Razor say that Bret may be the WWF champion, but he’s the “people’s champ”.  I always knew The Rock was a copycat.

- Howard Finkel introduces “Caesar” and “Cleopatra” who give a boring proclamation to kick off the Royal Rumble.  OK, we get it, Wrestlemania will be at Caesar’s Palace.  Fans are getting impatient here and I don’t blame them.

- Heenan continues to brag about his unveiling while Gorilla runs down the rules of the Royal Rumble.

Royal Rumble Match: Winner to become #1 contender in the main event at Wrestlemania

Ric Flair is #1 and Heenan doesn’t seem as worried this year.  He figures that since he won it at #3 last year, what’s a mere two more spots.  I concur.  Bob Backlund is #2 and you can here the snickering throughout the crowd.  Or maybe it’s just me.  These two spend the opening minutes proving that while Backlund may have the upper hand, Flair will always have more class.  Heenan notes that a Bret Hart/Bob Backlund match would be something.  Little did he know that those two would fight for the WWF Title nearly two years later.  Papa Shango is #3.  He gives Flair a breather and beats up Backlund.  Flair says thank you by tossing Shango out when he was trying to eliminate Backlund.  Flair then almost eliminates Backlund, but he hangs on to the bottom rope.  Ted Dibiase is #4 as his string of lousy draws continues.  Dibiase and Flair join up and attack Backlund.  Backlund manages to survive another 2 minutes and gets some help from Brian Knobbs who is #5.  He goes after both heels.  Knobbs gives Dibiase the Pit Stop and to my knowledge that is the only PPV Pit Stop, strangely enough.  Virgil is #6 and goes after Dibiase.  Does he know how to fight anyone else?  Knobbs charges at Dibiase, Dibiase ducks and Knobbs eliminates himself.  Making his WWF PPV debut is Jerry “the King” Lawler at #7.  Him and Flair go at it in the corner while Backlund and Virgil take it to Dibiase.  Lawler unloads on Flair, prompting Flair to crawl under the bottom rope and take a breather.  Max Moon is #8.  BWHAHAHA!  I can’t believe any self-respecting man would wear a costume like that.  It looks like someone vomited cotton candy all over him.  Flair dumps Moon over the top rope but Moon hoists himself back in ala Owen Hart.  Everyone is just kinda milling around in there doing nothing of note.  Moon gives Lawler a spinning heel kick in the corner.  He goes for a second one but this time Lawler dumps him to the floor.  #9 is Tenyru and I say Whoop De Doo.  Hey, I’m a poet and I didn’t even know it.  Tenyru and Flair get into a chopfest, which ends with a Flair Flop.  Mr. Perfect is #10 to inject some interest back into this match.  Mr. Perfect goes after Flair, natch, and gets the better of him.  Monsoon announces during their brawl that they will fight each other the next night on Monday Night RAW in a Loser Leaves Town match.  I’m guessing neither man is winning the Rumble then.

#11 is Skinner but most people don’t care, as they are too busy watching Flair and Perfect.  Shortly after Skinner enters, Perfect clotheslines Flair out of the ring.  Boy is Heenan irate!  Koko is #12 and as he runs down to ringside he pulls up his Hammer pants like he’s Steve Urkel.  Now there are a couple of people you want to emulate.  Perfect tosses Skinner over the top rope but he hoists himself back in.  As he does that, Perfect dropkicks him to the floor.  Despite Skinner’s elimination, the jobber to superstar ratio is still way too high right now.  Things don’t get better as Samu comes out at #13.  Let’s see, anything interesting going on?  Well the guy in the fourth row just spilled his beer but other than that, nothing really.  Oh god, Berzerker is #14 and I’m praying that the ring just blows up right now.  Perfect eliminates Lawler with a back body drop to draw a mild pop from the crowd.  Dibiase comes up from behind Perfect and tosses him over.  Perfect tries to hang on for dear life but the combination of Dibiase kicking and an already eliminated Lawler tugging on him is too much for him to overcome.  Great, now there is no one of interest in there. (No offense, Virg)  Undertaker is #15 and there was much rejoicing.  Taker enters and it’s bye bye Samu and sayonara Tenyru.  While Taker was cleaning house, Berzerker took Backlund through the middle ropes and attacked him with a chair on the outside.  Cock-a-doodle-do Terry Taylor is #16.  Taylor begins brawling with Koko and Dibiase comes up and eliminates both of them.  Looks like the Rooster gets the Bushwacker Butch award for brevity this year.  As Dibiase gloats about getting rid of them, Taker chokeslams him and then clotheslines him out of the ring.  As the Undertaker deals with the Berzerker, IT waddles to ringside.  That “IT” is the near 8 ft. tall Giant Gonzalez (unnamed at this point) led by Harvey Whippleman.  As Gonzales enters the ring, Taker eliminates the Berzerker.  #17 is Damian Demento but 99% of the audience doesn’t know it as they can’t take their eyes of this Giant.  Gonzales finally begins to pummel the Undertaker after a long staredown and knocks him to the floor.  So by WWF logic, that means Undertaker is eliminated.  Ugh.  IRS comes down as #18 but the focus remains on Gonzales and Taker.  These new entrants won’t even get into the ring.  Finally, the Usual Bunch of Idiots gets rid of Gonzales while Taker is left for dead. (Pardon my pun)  This now leaves us with Demento, IRS and Backlund, who was still knocked out from the Berzerker attack.  Tatanka is #19 and he helps out Backlund against Demento and IRS.  Meanwhile, Paul Bearer comes down to revive and recover the Undertaker. 

#20 is Jerry Sags and I see we’ve gone back to filling the ring with crap.  Sags goes after IRS while Tatanka and Backlund try to eliminate Demento.  Typhoon is #21 and the vomit begins to rise in my throat.  Heenan accidentally refers to Typhoon as Tugboat.  Now if only Heenan would have referred to Terry Taylor as the Red Rooster, my night would have been made.  Afa drags down Fatu at #22.  Who in their right mind honestly believes a member of a tag team will EVER win a Rumble?  We have 4 people from tag teams in there right now if that says anything.  Make that 5 as Earthquake waltzes down at #23.  He goes right after Typhoon. (Huh?) Well at least we’re not forced to watch them beat up on separate guys.  Typhoon charges at Quake and Quake heaves him to the floor.  I have no idea why they had them do that.  They never feuded after this to my knowledge.  #24 is Carlos Colon, who is referred by Monsoon as a youngster despite the fact that he looks 40.  For those of you who don’t know Colon, you’re not missing anything.  Tatanka tosses Demento over the top rope but he hangs on.  Colon then back body drops Demento out of the ring for good.  Well, I’m glad to see they are letting people who are here for one-time deals eliminate people as oppose to the young up-and-comers who are in the middle of undefeated streaks.  El Matador is #25.  A charging Fatu gets eliminated by Backlund.  He’s been in the Rumble for over 40 minutes and he finally gets his first elimination.  Rick Martel is #26 and he goes after Santana.  Geez, and I thought the Virgil/Dibiase feud was bad.  These two go all the way back to ’88. 1888, that is.  Quake ducks as IRS charges prompting IRS to eliminate himself.  Santana almost eliminates Backlund but he crawls in under the bottom rope to the delight of the fans.  I don’t blame them.  Who else do they have to cheer for right now?  Yokozuna finally makes his way down at #27 to almost no reaction.  Here comes the mass evacuation again…later Tatanka, adios Carlos, so long Earthquake.  Owen Hart came out at #28 amidst Yoko’s spring-cleaning.  Joining the jobber parade is Repo Man at #29.  All of the jobbers wise up and collectively try and dump Yoko but they can’t get it done.  And that my friends is why they’ll always remain jobbers.  Our final entrant is Macho Man who’s put at this spot so it isn’t so painfully obvious who is going to win here.  

With all 30 men now out, we thankfully head to the finish in a hurry.  Santana, Sags, Owen and Repo are all evacuated pretty quickly.  In Owen’s case, he was evacuated quickly and nastily.  He landed poorly on his knee that put him on the shelf for a while, if I recall correctly.  That leaves us with a Final Four of Macho Man, Yokozuna, Rick Martel and Bob Backlund.  Man, if Dibiase is cursed with early draws, then the reverse is true for Martel who always seems to be there at the end.  Yoko is choking out Macho while Martel tries to get rid of Backlund.  Backlund perches Martel up in the corner and then punches him to the floor.  Backlund gets brave and tries to attack Yoko.  After a failed dropkick attempt, Backlund foolishly charges Yoko and gets eliminated by the big sumo.  Backlund managed to survive long enough though to break Ric Flair’s record and become the new longevity champion at 1 hour and 3 mins.  Now that’s impressive.  Meanwhile, back in the ring, Macho makes a futile attempt to eliminate Yoko.  He actually knocks Yoko down and then tries to cover him.  What a moron!  Yoko heaves Macho off completely over the top rope to win the #1 contendership at Wrestlemania.

BL:  With a third of the Rumble comprised of tag team wrestlers and over another third made up of jobbers, this was a weak field that left little doubt as to who was going to win it.  This Rumble had most guys just punching and walking, which is never exciting.  Then when you add in the Giant Gonzales mess, it makes for a bad Rumble.  The Backlund story was interesting and Perfect and Flair had their moments but it wasn’t enough to save this dog.  *

- Backstage we see Bret Hart give a few words to Yokozuna as Japanese photographers are doing a shoot with him.  Well that was a nice little touch to get us psyched for Wrestlemania.

Final Thought: Well, overall this PPV was a lot better than I remember it.  The Rumble match was still as lousy as I recalled but the rest of the card has some great action.  Definitely see the first half of the show, but only watch the Rumble if you enjoy rejects like Max Moon and Damian Demento.  A rare case where the undercard outshines the Rumble match itself.

Next time, Wrestlemania heads to Vegas but it’s far from a sure bet that it will be a good show.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.   
  

E-MAIL ADAM
BROWSE THE OOLD TYME ARCHIVES

Originally from Cleveland, Adam is now a graduate student at the University of Dayton who is looking to make a couple extra bucks writing this column. What do you mean Rick doesn't pay his columnists?

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