by Adam Gutschmidt
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

I’m writing this at a very late hour after just getting back from the midnight showing of Spiderman 2 (fantastic movie, btw) so I apologize for anything that is incoherent.  Before I doze off at the keyboard let’s go on with the show…

OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue for WWF Summerslam 1993

- Emanating from the Palace of Auburn Hills in Detroit, Michigan.  What makes it so palatial anyways?

- Your commentators are Vince McMahon and Bobby “the Brain” Heenan

Opening Match: Razor Ramon vs. The Million Dollar Man Ted Dibiase

The newly-turned face Razor comes out in a matching pink vest and tights.  Pink?  What is Ramon thinking?  No self-respecting face wears pink.  Oh…sorry Bret.  Dibiase jumps Razor as he’s taking off his jewelry.  A baaaaack bodydrop and a fallaway slam put Razor in control.  A begging Dibiase baits Razor into the corner and then throws him into the turnbuckle.  Dibiase is now systematically wearing down Razor.  Nothing fancy but effective nonetheless.  I can’t tell if Dibiase’s reverse chinlock is having any effect on Razor because Razor has a glazed-over look, but then again, he always does.  Razor escapes the chinlock but gets put back down with a neckbreaker.  After dumping Razor to the floor, Dibiase goes over and removes the turnbuckle pad.  Dibiase brings Razor back in but it’s Razor who rams Dibiase’s head on the exposed corner.  Razor grabs a dazed Dibiase and hits the Razor’s Edge for the 1-2-3.

Bottom Line: Perfectly acceptable opener here.  Dibiase did all the right moves here to ensure Razor would get over as a face.  This would sadly be Dibiase’s last PPV match.  Razor on the other hand was just beginning his run as a top babyface for the fed.  **

- Todd Pettingil chats with The Steiner Brothers’ mom and sister.  They say nothing of interest and their sister mistakenly refers to them as Rob and Scott.  Evidently she hasn’t heard of something called “staying in character”.  Thankfully James E. Cornette cuts off Todd before he can ask anymore moronic questions, which leads us right into…

WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Steiner Brothers (champs) vs. The Heavenly Bodies

Steiners get the obligatory loud hometown crowd pop.  Heavenly Bodies jump the Steiners before the bell.  Man, the heels are anxious tonight.  Bodies have their way with Rick until Scott finally makes the save.  Now the Steiners are double-teaming the Bodies.  We’re not a minute into this and the ref has lost complete control of the match.  From behind, Pritchard nails Scott with a bulldog to put the Bodies back in control.  Frequent tags by the Bodies make Scot the wolverine-in-distress.  Here’s a quick health tip: If you’re ever in a situation where you need to make yourself vomit, watch Gigalo Jimmy Del Ray gyrate.  It should do the trick.  A superkick by Del Ray gets 2.  The Bodies have begun working on the neck and get some help from Cornette who hits Scott in the throat with his tennis racquet.  Del Ray goes for a DDT but Scott reverses it into a suplex. After hitting a tiger bomb on Pritchard, Scott is able to make the hot tag.  Rick comes in and handily takes care of both Bodies.  A top rope bulldog by Rick only gets 2.  With the ref distracted, Pritchard nails Rick with the tennis racquet.  Rick manages to kick out after 2.  Wow, I thought that was it.  Del Ray goes up for a moonsault but accidentally hits his partner.  The error allows Scott to hit the Frankensteiner on Del Ray and pick up the win.

BL: This was a sound tag team match.  The Bodies weren’t the answer to the tag team division’s woes but they were a nice change of pace.  Crowd heat added a lot to this match.  ** ¾

- We head to the back with a new member of the broadcast team, Joe Fowler.  Yes, Turbocooker’s own, THE Joe Fowler.  I hope he doesn’t get an orgasm talking to the wrestlers like he does when he’s tasting rice.  Here, he talks with Shawn Michaels who claims that tonight he will prove that he’s the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time.

WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Shawn Michaels (champ) vs. Mr. Perfect

As Perfect makes his way down to ringside, the cameras show Jim Ross and Gorilla Monsoon in the skybox doing Radio WWF.  I guess since Vince was done with the trial, JR gets the shaft.  After a feeling-out process they do a criss-cross sequence that ends in a botched clothesline spot.  That’s not a good start.  Perfect slows things down with an armbar.  Shawn fights out of it and tries to gain momentum.  Perfect catches Shawn coming off the top rope and puts him right back into the armbar.  A dropkick attempt by Shawn is blocked and Perfect slingshots Shawn over the top rope and to the floor.  While distracted by Diesel, Perfect gets cracked in the face with a superkick.  Shawn continues to punish Perfect on the floor while Heenan suggests he use a TV monitor.  Isn’t it funny how today someone would take him up on that offer.  Now in the ring, Shawn pounds away on Perfect’s back.  Man, Shawn was looking chunky here.  It really has nothing to do with the match, but I just thought I’d point that out, being the Slim Goodbody that I am.  As Shawn hops on Perfect’s back, you can clearly hear Perfect yell “Dammit”.  See, I told you Shawn had put on a few pounds.  A dropkick by Perfect halts Shawn’s offense.  A couple of nearfalls for Perfect.  Perfect hits the Perfectplex but Diesel pulls him out of the ring as the ref was counting.  Diesel heaves Perfect into the ring post and causes him to be counted out.  LAME!

BL: Well this match had classic written all over it.  Too bad someone came up before the match and erased the word classic.  This can be labeled as nothing but a major disappointment.  Not only was it not very crisp but they also failed to give us a decent finish.  Crowd was pretty quiet too after being hot for the first 2 matches.  Simply unacceptable.  **

- Backstage Mean Gene tries to get a word with Shawn and Diesel but Perfect jumps them from behind.  Highlight of the segment is seeing a mullet-wearing Jack Doan as part of the Usual Bunch of Idiots who tries to stop the brawl.

- The 1-2-3 Kid tells Joe Fowler that he has butterflies in his stomach.  Maybe he’d feel better if he wouldn’t have eaten that chocolate cake that was cooked in the same machine as smoked salmon.

The 1-2-3 Kid vs. IRS

IRS tells the crowd that Detroit used to be the “Motor City” but now it’s the “Tax Cheat City”.  Wow, where does he get his material?  Kid gets a quick spinning heel kick for 2.  IRS starts tossing the Kid around like a javelin.  A mid-air dropkick by the Kid gets another nearfall.  More slow offense by IRS.  IRS slingshots the Kid into the ring where he lands on his feet and quickly rolls IRS up for 2.  That was kind of cool.  Using his most impressive move, an abdominal stretch, IRS wears the Kid down.  Points to IRS for grabbing the rope during the abdominal stretch.  The announcers try to hype IRS as a great singles wrestler knowing that is what his future holds since Dibiase was leaving.  The Kid fires back with some kicks in the corner.  A moonsault by the Kid only gets 2.  A couple more nearfalls for the Kid and IRS is in trouble.  Just as I say that, IRS hits his finisher, a clothesline, and picks up the victory.

BL: Match followed a pattern of one quick offensive move by the Kid, two minutes of slow, sluggish offense by IRS, and repeat.  1-2-3 Kid did enough to earn a stay with the WWF despite a losing effort.  IRS seemed poised to be in line for a singles push but it was unwarranted based on his performance here.  *

- Todd gets some words with Owen and Bruce Hart.  By the look of things, it seems Bruce has already had one too many complementary beers.

Bret “the Hitman” Hart vs. Jerry “the King” Lawler

Lawler comes down to ringside on crutches with an icepack on his knee.  He tells Todd that earlier today he got into a horrible car wreck with an old blue haired woman (Dame Edna?) and the doctor said he couldn’t wrestle tonight.  So to make sure Bret doesn’t leave Detroit without a beating, Lawler has picked someone to take his place.  That man would be his court jester, Doink

Bret “the Hitman” Hart vs. Doink

Doink, with buckets in tow, makes his way to ringside.  One of the buckets, filled with water is dumped on Bruce.  Vince is appalled by this action but the way I see it, Doink was just trying to sober Bruce up.  Bret starts pounding away immediately on Doink.  Bret is treating Doink like a Bobo doll.  A shoulder into Bret’s midsection stops Bret briefly.  While going up top, Doink gets caught and crotched.  A slugfest breaks out and is easily won by Bret.  As Bret tries to go after Lawler, Doink comes from behind and attacks him.  Doink works on Bret’s knee by ramming it into the post and putting Bret in an STF.  Bret gets placed in a legitimately painful submission move, the stump-puller.  My little brother can tell you how painful it is as he fell victim to it once or twice in his life.  Bret pulls up his knees as Doink goes for the Whoopee Cushion.  Man, Bret must not like Doink as he only gives him 2/5 of the Trademark 5 before slapping on the Sharpshooter.  Before Doink can tap, Lawler comes into the ring and cracks Bret with his crutch.  He can walk!  Hallelujah!  Lawler gives a suitable beatdown and then leaves with Doink.  Jack Tunney stops Lawler from heading to the lockerroom and says Lawler must wrestle Bret now or he’s banned from the WWF for a month.  Ooooh!  So now it’s back to….

Bret “the Hitman” Hart vs. Jerry “the King” Lawler

Bret attacks Lawler while they are still in the aisleway.  They make it into the ring and Bret starts biting Lawler.  OUR HERO!  It appears as if Bret may go for the Sharpshooter, but he wants to punish Lawler more so he just hits him in the midsection.  On the outside, Bret uses the crutch and guardrail to help him in his attack on Lawler.  Lawler finally turns the tide by using the crutch himself.  By having the referee tend to Bruce the Drunk, Lawler is able to use the crutch some more.  Brilliant.  Bret pulls down his strap and starts punching Lawler again.  Lawler escapes and now pulls down his strap.  Oh boy, it’s go time now.  Knowing how to really hurt the guy, Bret uses Lawler’s finishing move, the piledriver, on him.  Bret then locks on the Sharpshooter and after holding out for a while, Lawler finally submits.  The bells rings but Bret refuses to let go of the hold.  After what seems like an eternity, Bret finally released the hold.  Meanwhile, the referee chats with Howard Finkel and informs him that since Bret refused to let go, he has disqualified Bret making Lawler the Undisputed King of the Ring.

BL: I don’t know if it showed in my review, but this is one of my favorite matches of all time.  I’ve mentioned before that after Wrestlemania 8, I started disliking Bret.  This feud with Lawler really solidified my hatred of his character.  When they reversed the decision, I went ballistic.  Personal feelings aside, the amount of heat Lawler gained from this match was incredible.  Booking here was great.  About the only loser from all this was Doink who looked like a schmuck against Bret.  Logically, he turned face shortly after this.  For the whole segment ****

- Ludvig Borga cuts a scathing promo on America from the Mean Streets of Detroit.  Oooh how I hate those Finnish people.  They’re so evil.

- Mean Gene uses this Coliseum Obtrusive to have Bret, Bruce and Owen throw themselves a pity party.  Have some cheese with that whine, Bret.

Ludvig Borga vs. Marty Janetty

Marty talks smack to Borga as the bell rings and then turns his back.  Borga naturally attacks him from behind.  What an idiot!  And this was just after Vince had made a comment about Marty being a wise veteran.  I guess all of those years were spent doing drugs rather than learning the tricks of the trade.  Borga is just beating Marty from pillar to post.  After whipping Marty to the ropes, Borga presses him into the air and then punches him on the way down.  Awesome move that I think would have been great in Brock Lesnar’s moveset.  With the way Borga is punching away on Marty’s chest it will probably soon match his blue and purple shirt.  Marty gets an opportunity as Borga misses a splash but Borga sets him right back down with a clothesline.  A sunset flip attempt by Marty goes nowhere as Borga punches Marty before he falls.  After 2 superkicks barely faze Borga, Marty goes to the second rope but Borga catches him and slams him on his way down.  Borga picks Marty up and puts him in a torture rack maneuver for the Finnish, excuse me, finish.

BL: Go to the dictionary, look up the word squash and next to it, you will see a picture of Borga and Janetty.  At least it wasn’t too boring of a beating.  Borga certainly had some impressive power but his downfall was his lousy character.  Nobody was buying the angry Finn routine.  Crowd was worn out from the last match and they certainly didn’t come alive here.  * ½

Rest in Peace Match: Giant Gonzalez vs. The Undertaker

The stips for this match are announced right before this match; it’s No DQ, No Countout.  Oooh how creative.  This was so cheap because they knew fans had no interest in this match based on the workers alone so they gave the match a mysterious name to have people see what exactly a “Rest in Peace” match.  Not knowing it would be something lame like this.  It’s sneaky, but Marketing 101 at it’s finest.  Taker goes right to work punching and choking Gonzalez.  A charging Taker gets booted to put Gonzalez on offense.  I’ll tell you when he does something of interest….still waiting…waiting…oh wait… no nevermind…waiting…ok, Gonzalez hits Taker with a chair on the outside.  Back inside, Taker keeps trying to grab his urn, which is currently in Harvey Whippleman’s possession.  Suddenly, the gong sounds and Paul Bearer comes down to ringside with a black wreath (he had been put out of action weeks earlier by Gonzalez).  Well that certainly woke this crowd up!  Whippleman confronts Bearer, who knocks him right down.  Bearer walks over and reclaims the urn.  Taker now rises up and gives Gonzalez a series of clotheslines.  Taker goes up, hits a top rope clothesline that finally takes Gonzalez off his feet and out for good.

Postmatch: Gonzalez gets mad at Whippleman and weakly chokeslams him.  It’s pretty sad when an 8 footer can barely lift a man weighing a buck thirty.

BL: Brutally bad match that barely used the Rest in Peace stipulations.  The Bearer return was certainly a crowd popper but couldn’t do anything to save this stinker.  Fans could now rest in peace knowing this feud was over.  So that’s why they gave that name to this match.  ¼ *

- Joe Fowler talks to the man who has 5 Turbocookers in his home, Yokozuna.  Sorry for all the Turbocooker jokes but this was his only PPV so I had to get as many in as I could.  Cornette ends up doing all the talking for Yoko, which is good because all we would have heard from Yoko is “Banzai”.  Man, how big of a help was Cornette in making sure Yoko kept his heat?

The Smoking Gunns and Tatanka vs. The Headshrinkers and Bam Bam Bigelow

All 6 men fight to begin and the heels end up getting the best of the brawl.  Don’t see that too often.  The ring clears and Tatanka and Bam Bam are left.  Bam Bam whips Tatanka and they end up both going for a high cross body.  Either it was a botched move or a cool variation on the double clothesline.  Both men tag and in comes Billy and Fatu.  Fatu hits a huge superkick.  Samu hotshots Billy and he is in trouble.  I spoke too soon as Samu foolishly kicks Billy into his corner allowing him to tag Bart.  Heels begin to make quick tags and work over Bart.  Bart plants Fatu’s face into the mat but Fatu gets right back up and clotheslines him.  How many times are faces going to ram the Headshrinkers heads into the mat before they realize that move doesn’t work?  As Bart seems to be out on his feet, Heenan starts singing, “Happy Trails”.  He’ll be here all weekend folks.  Bam Bam misses a charge in the corner allowing Bart to tag Tatanka.  A fired up Tatanka is all over Bam Bam and even manages to slam him.  A crossbody off the top rope gets 2 for Tatanka.  Tatanka gets stopped dead in his tracks with an enziguri from Bam Bam.  The heels knock the Gunns to the floor and then triple-team Tatanka.  All 3 heels go up and try for top rope headbutts but all of them miss.  Tatanka rolls up Samu and gets the three count.

BL: An ok six-man match but pure filler to get these guys on the PPV.  The 3-man flying headbutt was certainly a unique visual.  This match could have been shortened in my opinion.  * ¼

- Joe Fowler talks to Hank Carter.  Who’s Hank Carter, you ask?  Why he’s the driver of the Lex Express.  To no one’s surprise, he drones on about nothing.  How much would you pay for this interview to end?  Well you won’t pay $120 or $110.  You won’t pay $100 or even $90.  No, for today only it will cost you only 4 easy installments of $19.99.  Plus if you order for this interview to end within the next 30 seconds we’ll thrown in this 5 piece cutlery set ABSOLUTELY FREE.

- Todd talks to more idiots in the crowd.  I swear they give him that job at every PPV just to make him look smarter.  Too bad it never worked.

- As a Japanese man sings their country’s national anthem, former Oriental Express member Sato holds the Japanese flag.  Man, who did he piss off to get that craptacular job.

- Macho Man is brought out with singer Aaron Neville, who sings our National Anthem to jazz up the crowd.

WWF Championship Match: Yokozuna (champ) vs. Lex Luger

Heenan reminds us that Lex gets only one title shot against Yokozuna per a stipulation added into the contract by Cornette.  As Luger and Yoko have a staredown, Fuji tries sneaking up from behind.  The plan fails as Luger wards off Fuji and then tosses Yoko into the turnbuckle.  Yoko goes for a legdrop but misses.  Luger smartly goes after the leg.  Luger = psychology?  Who knew?  Yoko can’t seem to get on track as he hits a powerslam but misses an elbow.  A 10-punch count by Luger and the fans loudly count-along.  Fuji tries to throw salt at Luger but Luger once again stops him before he can do any damage.  Luger tries to bodyslam Yoko but can’t quite do it.  With the failed bodyslam attempt, Yoko takes over on offense and slows the pace way down.  Grabbing a chair, Yoko attempts to hit Luger but hits the ringpost instead.  Three top rope axehandles by Luger knock Yoko off his feet.  Luger covers but only gets 2.  Both men hit clotheslines on the other and both men are down.  While Cornette distracts the ref, Yoko nails Luger with the salt bucket.  That gets a 2 count for Yoko.  A belly-to-belly by Yoko makes Luger a stain on the mat.  Yoko locks on the nerve grip allowing fans one last trip to the bathroom.  A huge legdrop by Yoko still only manages to get 2.  Luger manages to move out of the way of the Banzai drop.  Avoiding a Yoko avalanche allows Luger to grab Yoko and semi-bodyslam him.  He basically picked him up and dropped him.  Fuji gets on the apron but gets knocked down by Luger.  Man it’s not been a good night for Fuj the Stooge.  Luger blasts Yoko with his fully loaded forearm and sends him to the floor.  Yoko is knocked so silly that he can’t get up giving Luger the hella-weak countout win.

Postmatch: Luger celebrates with Macho, Tatanka, the Steiner Brothers and many, many balloons.

BL: Big blown opportunity here.  At this point, as dumb as the Lex Express was, fans were behind Luger.  When they added the no return match clause, they shot themselves in the foot.  Fans figured that if he wasn’t getting another shot, then why should they care about him.  By the time they worked a way to get him another shot, fans had already given up.  As for the match itself, it was an all right match given the fact that one of them weighed close to 600 lbs.  Crowd was hot until the finish, which deflated them real quick.  ** ½

Final Thoughts: Well there were a couple of disappointments, names the Michaels/Perfect match and the main event finish.  The Bret/Lawler match was fantastic though.  Everything else was decent action that was starting to push stars.  In my opinion, this was a step in the right direction as they began a new era in the WWF.  A solid recommendation here.

Next time, we find out what happens when you add 4 Harts and 4 Doinks together.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.      
  

E-MAIL ADAM
BROWSE THE OOLD TYME ARCHIVES

Originally from Cleveland, Adam is now a graduate student at the University of Dayton who is looking to make a couple extra bucks writing this column. What do you mean Rick doesn't pay his columnists?

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