by Adam Gutschmidt
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

- Emanating from the Boston Garden in Boston, Massachusetts

- Your commentators are Vince McMahon and Bobby "the Brain" Heenan

Opening Match: Diesel, IRS, Rick "the Model" Martel and Adam Bomb vs. Razor Ramon, Macho Man Randy Savage, The 1-2-3 Kid, and Marty Janetty

Mr. Perfect was originally supposed to be part of the face team but he left the company shortly before this, so Macho Man was named as the last minute sub.  Razor kicks things off with Martel, who he recently defeated to win the vacated Intercontinental Title.  Martel hits a crossbody off the second rope but Razor rolls through it and gets a 2 count.  After a combination of atomic drops and clotheslines by Razor, Martel tags Bomb.  A test of strength is issued by Bomb and Razor accepts.  Bomb dominates until Razor musters the energy to suplex Bomb while still in the test of strength.  Impressive!  Martel tries to break up a pin but nails Bomb instead.  As a result, a fight breaks out amongst the heel team.  This looks like a scene from the WCW lockerroom in the late 90s.  The heels resolve their differences and Bomb goes to work on the Kid.  A sunset flip attempt by the Kid is thwarted as Bomb picks him up and heaves him across the ring.  Diesel is tagged in and absolutely manhandles the Kid.  A hurricanrana by the Kid allows him to quickly scamper over and tag Macho.  Macho takes out the entire heel team and ends up hitting the elbow on Diesel for the pinfall.  Well looks like he was a wise pick as a substitute.  FACES UP 4-3.  Martel tries to pick up the slack but Macho gets the better of their exchange.  IRS gets more of the same from Macho and then Razor is tagged in to join the fun.  A knee from Martel on the apron gives the heels an opportunity to go on offense.  Heenan asks McMahon if he's ever cheated anybody, to which McMahon quickly responds, "Of course not."  BWHAHAHA!  Good one Vince.  Don't ever let people tell you that you aren't funny.  Heels make quick tags to work over Razor.  IRS charges but gets booted coming in allowing Razor to tag Macho.  Macho goes up for the elbow but spots Crush coming down to ringside.  (Crush had turned heel and attacked Macho a few weeks earlier)  Macho tries to go after Crush but his teammates stop him.  While Macho is jawing at Crush, IRS comes from behind and rolls him up for a 3 count.  TIED UP 3-3.  Macho runs after Crush but can't find him the back.  In the ring, Bomb is dominating Janetty.  McMahon gets JRitis and calls Bomb, Diesel.  A charging Martel misses Janetty and rams his shoulder into the post.  His arm should be dangling like a Christmas ornament considering the number of times he's done that in his career.  Razor and IRS are tagged and shortly thereafter Razor hits the Razor's Edge to put away IRS.  FACES UP 3-2.  All five men come in and we've got a melee!  Amongst the confusion, Razor goes for the Razor's Edge on Martel but IRS nails him with his briefcase.  The shot knocks Razor to the floor and gets him counted out.  TIED UP 2-2.  The Kid and Martel have a great fast-paced sequence.  Bomb is tagged in but the Kid holds his own. The Kid dives through the ropes but Bomb catches him and slams him.  Wow, color me impressed.  Bomb is in control until he misses a charge in the corner.  Bomb prevents the Kid from tagging and tags Martel himself.  Martel goes for a top rope axehandle but the Kid nails him on his way down.  Tag is made to Janetty who goes to work on Martel.  After getting tagged back in, the Kid catches Martel with a sunset flip in the corner to pin him.  FACES UP 2-1.  The ref has barely made the 3 count when the Kid tags Janetty, who comes in, sunset flips Bomb and finishes him off too. 

Survivors: 1-2-3 Kid and Marty Janetty

Bottom Line: The match really picked up near the end and got the crowd into it.  The whole match was very purposeful as it ignited the Crush/Macho and Razor/IRS feuds, as well as establishing the Kid and Janetty as a formidable tag team.  ** 1/2

- Todd Pettingil shows Shawn Michaels footage of Ray Combs talking to the Hart Family.  Shawn laughs at their comments, as do I.  Shawn then really sticks it to Bret by noting that the difference between this year and last year (when they fought each other in the main event) is that Shawn still has his title and Bret doesn't.  Ouch.

- A Coliseum Obtrusive shows Razor, the Kid and Janetty getting ready to celebrate.  Somebody better call the DEA.

Family Feud Match: Bret Hart, Owen Hart, Bruce Hart and Keith Hart vs. Shawn Michaels and his Knights

Ray Combs "warms up" the crowd and right now I want to kill myself.  While Combs drones on, let me catch people up as I assume some of you have questions about this match.  First of all, yes it was supposed to be Jerry Lawler and not Shawn Michaels taking on the Hart bros.  But, you see, the darndest thing happened.  Lawler got accused of doing inappropriate things with an underage girl and was dealing with the courts at this time.  As for Shawn, he had been suspended for "inappropriate behavior" himself backstage and was reinstated for this match.  While he was gone, a new Intercontinental champion was crowned (Razor Ramon).  Claiming he was never defeated, Shawn says he is still champ (hence his comments in that last promo).  The identities of the masked knights were told to me once but I can't recall all of them.  The only one of note was Greg "the Dildo" Valentine as the Blue Knight.

Now that we're all caught up, on with the match.  Oh wait, Ray is still talking.  Just kidding.  Shawn confers with his knights and then locks up with Bruce.  Shawn has some communications problems early on with his knights.  Keith catches Shawn in a sunset flip but only gets 2.  Heenan is laying in some great cracks on the Hart family, while Ray is having trouble sputtering out his scripted jokes.  The Red Knight is in now and is getting a wrestling lesson from the Hart bros.  Bret and Greg…er…the Blue Knight are both tagged in.  Like the other knights, the Blue Knight doesn't fare too well either.  Shawn knees Bruce from the apron to finally swing the match to the heels favor.  Bruce surprised the White Knight with a backslide but manages to just get 2.  A clothesline by Bruce allows him to make the hot tag to Bret.  A couple of nearfalls for Bret on the White Knight.  Soon, all 8 men are battling it out in the ring.  When the dust settles, Owen hits a top rope dropkick on the White Knight for a 3 count.  FACES UP 4-3.  The Harts take turns working over the Red Knight's leg.  The Blue Knight "weenie slaps" Keith according to Combs.  That phrase is even funnier knowing that it’s Valentine who delivered the move.  After a miscue by Keith, the heels go after his arm.  Shawn misses a top rope splash, allowing Keith to make the hot tag to Bret again.  Not too long after that, Bret locks the Red Knight in the Sharpshooter and gets him to submit.  FACES UP4-2.  Bret is hurting after the Blue Knight tosses him to the floor.  After a lengthy beatdown session, Bret manages to knock down the Blue Knight and tag Owen.  Shawn slips out of the ring to avoid Owen but ends up getting sucker punched by Stu Hart.  Owen then leaps over the top rope and lands on top of Shawn.  Nice sequence there.  Back inside, Owen takes it to both Shawn and the Blue Knight and eventually gets the Blue Knight to submit to the Sharpshooter.  FACES UP 4-1.  All Hart Bros. now get their chance to lay into Shawn.  Shawn manages to hit the superkick on Bruce but he kicks out.  Why are we trying to push Bruce here?  Why can't he job?  It's not like he'll be wrestling again after this.  After the match, he'll just do what he always does; stagger from tavern to tavern, hoping someone will serve him another drink.  Bret is back in now and slingshots Shawn into the corner.  A rake to the face by Shawn forces Bret to tag Owen.  Owen gets whipped into Bret, who was trying to recover on the apron.  The collision allows Shawn to roll up Owen for the 3 count.  FACES UP 3-1.  And Owen is IRATE over the loss.  As Owen throws a tantrum, Heenan tosses Shawn a bottle of water.  Ha!  That is great.  Bruce comes in and locks a sleeper on Shawn.  Shawn manages to escape but is still in trouble.  Bret gets tagged in and beats Shawn from pillar to post.  After Shawn escapes a Sharpshooter attempt, he decides it's not worth fighting Lawler's fight anymore and heads to the dressing room taking the countout loss.

Survivors: Bret, Keith and Bruce Hart

Postmatch: Owen comes back from the lockerroom and chews out Bret for causing him to lose.  Owen looks to be a shadow no more.

BL: This match would have been so much more suited for Lawler.  He would have played up the chagrin over the inept knights nicely.  I'll give the Harts their due.  They can all technically wrestle very well.  Too bad it made a pretty boring match here.  The brightest point of the match was that Owen was finally going to get the opportunity to shine.  **

- Vince and Bobby switch with Gorilla Monsoon and Jim Ross who were doing Radio WWF.  As they crossed paths, Gorilla and Heenan get into a little altercation.  This was a mini-feud to explain Heenan's eventual departure from the WWF.

- A video recap is shown for the events leading up to tonight's main event.  It was originally supposed to be Lex Luger, Tatanka and the Steiner Brothers vs. Yokozuna, Ludvig Borga and the Quebecers.  But Ludvig and Yoko take out Tatanka.  So the All Americans name the Undertaker as their new partner.  Because when I think USA, I think of the Undertaker.  Then Luger knocked out Pierre with his loaded forearm.  As retaliation, the Foreign Fanatics placed Crush on their team.  Kids, this is your geography lesson for today: Hawaii is a foreign country.

Smokey Mountain Wrestling Tag Team Title Match: The Rock and Roll Express (champs) vs. The Heavenly Bodies

The WWF decided to continue to shove SMW down their fans’ throat despite a noticeably lack of interest.  All four men brawl to kick things off.  I have a question…why is Robert Gibson wearing Repo Man's jacket?  Can anyone answer me that?  Morton with a nice dive through the ropes on the Bodies.  A flying head scissors by Gibson on Del Ray put the Express in firm control.  Morton is delivering hiptosses out like they are candy.  Del Ray goes for a superkick but accidentally nails Prtichard.  Man, the Heavenly Bodies are looking like a couple of douchebags in there right now.  More double-teaming by the Express prevent the Bodies from getting on track.  The Express pick Pritchard's leg as the objet of their attack.  Morton puts his head down allowing Pritchard to powerbomb him and give the Bodies their first offensive maneuver since the opening minute of the match.  Morton is now playing…um…well Ricky Morton in the ring.  After being tossed to the outside, Morton gets floored with a Del Ray moonsault from the apron.  A slugfest between Morton and Prtichard ensues and ends when Pritchard powerslams Morton.  Morton kicks out at 2 after receiving a top rope legdrop from Del Ray.  Del Ray goes for a powerbomb but Morton reverses it into a hurricanrana.  A moonsault from the top rope only gets Del Ray a 2 count.  The Bodies put their heads down and Morton nails both of them with DDTs.  The break gives Morton the chance to tag Gibson, which gets no reaction at all.  Gibson handles both Bodies with ease.  All 4 men are back in and chaos ensues.  The Express hit a double dropkick.  As Gibson covers Pritchard, Del Ray comes off the top rope and hits Gibson in the back with the tennis racquet.  That shot is enough to give the Bodies the victory and the titles.

BL: The crowd would be outraged over that outcome if they gave two craps about either team.  A pretty textbook tag match that had some fast-paced action.  I'll go on record as saying I've never been a big fan of heels who get squashed throughout a match and then end up winning the titles (coughBradshawcough).  *** 1/4

Bam Bam Bigelow, Bastion Booger and the Headshrinkers vs. Four Doinks

The four Doinks end up being the Bushwhackers and Men on a Mission in clown makeup.  At age 13, I thought that was cool.  Now I just shake my head in disgust.  Oh how naïve I used to be.  A kid in the audience is shown pointing his thumbs to himself.  Looks like someone needs to sue RVD for gimmick infringement.  In case you hadn't figured it out, sports entertainment was in full effect here.  Victim #1: Samu bites a couple of balloons, with the last one being filled with water.  The surprise causes Samu to be rolled up by Luke for the pin.  Ha Ha!  FACES UP 4-3.  Victim #2: Booger hits his finisher (he sits on the guy) but instead of covering Luke he goes to his corner and grabs a banana.  He comes back and tries to hit the finisher again but this time nobody's home.  Bushwhackers hit the Battering Ram, then Mabel hits a splash and pins him while the banana is still in his mouth.  Hee Hee!  FACES UP 4-2.  Victim #3: Fatu hits his top rope splash but instead of covering Mo, he examines a banana peel.  Butch comes in with a bucket.  He pours the bucket but there's nothing inside.  Fatu falls anyway, allowing Butch to hook his legs and get the 3 count.  Ho Ho!  FACES UP 4-1.  Victim #4: Bam Bam is distracted when Butch dumps water on Luna.  The distraction allows Men on a Mission to avalanche Bam Bam.  Then all 4 Doinks pile on top of Bam Bam to mercifully end it.  Yuk Yuk!

Survivors: Butch Doink, Luke Doink, Mo Doink and Mabel Doink

Postmatch: The legit Doink comes on the video screen and humiliates Bam Bam some more.

BL: I'm sure there were some kids who found this very fun and humorous.  The match though was completely devoid of wrestling merit and integrity.  Man, for as much as heel Doink ruled it, face Doink blew hard.  -*

- We cut to the serial killer ward of Boston Municipal Jail.  Oh sorry, it's just all the Doinks celebrating in the lockerroom.  My bad.  Easy mistake.

- Jim Cornette cuts an awesome promo about taking away the All American's heart, mind and soul.  Gee, I wonder why they didn't have Yoko, Borga or Crush cut the promo?  Oh yeah, because a deaf mute could deliver a better one than the 3 of them combined.

- A really lame video package is shown of the All American's talking amongst facts of US history and Boston's significance in it.  Man, has the WWF come a long way in the video package department.

Main Event: The All-Americans: Lex Luger, The Undertaker and The Steiner Brothers vs. The Foreign Fanatics: Yokozuna, Ludvig Borga, Crush and Jacques

Jacques and Scott kick things off here.  Jacques offers a handshake and Scott responds with a lewd gesture.  How American!  Steiners work over Jacques, so he tags Yoko.  Rick manages to shouldertackle Yoko to the floor.  After trapping Rick in the heel corner, Yoko tags Borga.  Rick goes off the top rope and Borga botches a spot where he is supposed to catch and slam Rick.  Instead Rick falls on top of Borga and then Borga just rolls Rick over.  They continue as if the spot went as planned and Borga pins Rick for a 3 count.  It appears as if Rick might have legitimately hurt his leg on that botched spot.  HEELS UP 4-3.  Oh boy, this could be a long match.  Scott presses Jacques and throws him into the arms of Crush.  But Crush catches Jacques and just sets him down.  Aww, what a partner.  Putting his head down, Crush gets caught in a tigerbomb by Scott.  As Crush catches Scott with a boot, Macho Man tries to get past the Usual Bunch of Idiots.  Scott dropkicks Crush out of the ring and naturally, Crush goes after Macho.  The two of them brawl long enough for Crush to be counted out.  TIED UP 3-3.  The Foreign Fanatics aren't fazed though as they beat down Scott in their corner.  A slam by Scott on Jacques gives him the chance to tag Luger.  Luger comes in and makes quick work of Jacques, finishing him off with a 2^nd rope elbow.  FACES UP 3-2.  After a superplex to Borga, Scott covers but Yoko waddles in to make the save.  Yoko stays in, hits Scott with a legdrop and ends his night.  TIED UP 2-2.  Luger comes in for the epic return confrontation with Yoko and the crowd is…silent.  I'm not kidding.  I've heard more noise at a nursing home during naptime than I'm hearing now.  After flooring Luger with a clothesline, Yoko tags Borga who continues with the punishment.  Punishment to Luger AND the fans.  Yoko misses an avalanche, allowing Luger to tag the Undertaker.  Now the crowd comes to life.  I wonder if Vince was taking note of that.  Taker initially dominates, but soon Yoko takes over.  After hitting Taker with one Banzai Drop, Yoko goes for a second one but Taker moves out of the way.  Their fight spills out to the floor where they ram each other's head into the steps until they are both counted out.  TIED UP 1-1.  Seeing Yoko's face when Taker no-sold his head getting rammed into the steps was priceless.  Back inside, Borga pummels Luger.  A double clothesline spot leaves both men down.  We then proceed with the typical Hogan finish as Luger withstands Borga's attack and comes back to hit the Home Depot forearm and pin him for the victory.

Survivor: Lex Luger

Postmatch: Santa Claus comes down to celebrate with Lex Luger.  I never knew why they dragged out Santa during the time of Thanksgiving.

- A final Coliseum Obtrusive has Todd asking Lex what he said to Santa.  Lex says that if he says his wish then it probably won't come true.  Then he tells Todd anyways that he asked Santa for the WWF title.  You're right Lex, saying your wish out loud made it never come true.

BL: A bland main even that kept the crowd snoozing until the Undertaker hit the ring.  Three countouts and a couple of blown spots certainly didn't help matters.  This could have been much better but it seemed the effort wasn't there.  * 3/4

Final Thoughts: Going into the PPV, there seemed to be a pretty decent card.  But many of the substitutions hurt the matches.  Perfect, Tatanka, Lawler, and Doink all could have been used in their matches.  The main event was bland, the Doink match was embarrassing, and the tag match was unimportant.  A major disappointment all around.  The lack of heat for Luger in that main event had to make Vince very uneasy. 
A very quiet crowd also made for a bad night all around.  I expected more from Boston.

Next time, we find out which number is fewer…the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop or the number of men who are needed to defeat the Undertaker in a Casket Match..

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.    
  

E-MAIL ADAM
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Originally from Cleveland, Adam is now a graduate student at the University of Dayton who is looking to make a couple extra bucks writing this column. What do you mean Rick doesn't pay his columnists?

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