by Adam Gutschmidt
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

A quick Rasslin Revue Remark before we get started today…Mike from Massachusetts informs me that I never gave the finish to the Undertaker/Giant Gonzales match from Summerslam 1993.  Well Mike, as a matter of fact, I did, but I could easily see how you or others were confused.  The top rope clothesline the Undertaker delivers IS the move he defeated Gonzales with.  I know it’s difficult to comprehend how a man of his size could be taken out with a simple clothesline, but it’s true.  Perhaps the weight of his near-nude suit was so heavy that he couldn’t life his shoulder after being knocked to the mat.  Anyways, thanks for the feedback Mike and keep sending in those letters everyone.  Now let’s get it on…

- Emanating from the arena that started it all, Madison Square Garden in New York, New York

- Your commentators are Vince McMahon and fresh from his trial, Jerry “the King” Lawler

- Little Richard kicks off the show with his rendition of America the Beautiful.  A wop-bop-baloo-bop-a-who-gives-a-crap.

Opening Match: Bret “the Hitman” Hart vs. Owen Hart

We get a video package to showcase this sordid tale of jealousy between two brothers.  This was a very interesting choice as an opener because of the mega-heat on this feud.  But since Bret had to wrestle again later tonight, it was deemed necessary.  You won’t hear any complaints from me though.  A nice touch in the beginning as the announcer makes the fans believe that he’s calling Bret first, when really he announces Owen.  Even more heat on Owen for that.  Bell has sounded and we’re underway.  Neither man gains an advantage while they trade mat skills but Owen feels he’s dominating.  Bret flings Owen through the ropes from a waistlock.  After scoring a 2 count from a rollup, Bret goes right back to the armbar.  Owen contemplates heading back to the locker room after Bret clotheslines him to the floor.  Bret doesn’t give him much time to think as he shoves Owen back into the ring.  A crucifix by Bret gets 2.  Owen nails Bret with a spinning heel kick to slow him down.  On the outside, Owen grabs Bret and rams his back into the post.  A camel clutch is applied on Bret as Owen screams at him to give up.  A 2 count for Owen after he delivers a belly-to-belly suplex.  Owen hits a crossbody but Bret rolls through it for a 2 count.  A beautiful yet nasty German suplex by Owen gets 2.  Wow!  Bret attempts a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker but Owen escapes and hits a tombstone piledriver.  That would be the same sequence that injured Stone Cold’s neck 3 years later.  Owen attempts a flying headbutt but misses.  Bret starts going through the Trademark 5.  This match has gone back and forth more times than Anne Heche’s sexuality.  Owen nails an enziguri out of nowhere and attempts to put on the Sharpshooter.  That is blocked and Bret tries putting one on Owen.  He is unsuccessful as well.  Trying to get a breather on the floor proves to be futile for Owen as Bret launches himself onto Owen.  Bret appears to have hurt his knee from doing that move.  Gee, haven’t seen that before.  Owen takes full advantage of attacking that injured knee.  A figure four by Owen almost gets Bret to submit.  Now it’s Bret who hits an enziguri on Owen to gain the upper hand.  Textbook bulldog by Bret gets 2.  I wish others would deliver bulldogs like that (coughJerichocough).  Perching Owen in the corner, Bret hits a superplex.  Both men are down.  While Bret applies a sleeper, Owen escapes with a mule kick.  Owen puts on the Sharpshooter and Bret taps.  Sadly this is 1994 and that doesn’t constitute a submission yet.  Bret breaks free and puts on HIS Sharpshooter.  Owen quickly grabs the ropes.  After whipping Bret to the ropes, Owen gets booted as he charges in.  Bret climbs up and goes on Owen’s shoulders.  Owen blocks Bret’s victory roll attempt and covers him for the shocking 3 count.

Bottom Line: More, more, more!  These two put on a fantastic match.  The ebb and flow of the match made everyone electric.  Owen finally got to step out of the shadow.  You know what’s the scary thing though?  These two probably have classics like this frequently in the Dungeon.  You will not find a better opener than this.  **** ¾

- Todd Pettingil interviews Owen in his moment of glory.  Too bad no one hears what he says because they are all too busy staring at the huge spitwad on the side of his face. 

- We get a Wrestlemania moment from Wrestlemania 2, which took place from 3 locales.  Of all the Wrestlemania moments to choose from, they go with the gimmick from one of the worst Wrestlemanias.  Not a good start.

- Sy Sperling introduces his latest client, Howard Finkel.  I can’t believe they actually brought this guy to Wrestlemania.  You don’t hear much from Mr. Sperling anymore.  I guess he got the rug pulled out from under him or above him in his case.

Mixed Tag Team Match: Bam Bam Bigelow and Luna vs. Doink and Dink

Wow, what a contrast of matches between this and the opener.  Bam Bam attacks Doink before he can get his jacket off.  A dropkick and a powerslam by Bam Bam put Doink in real trouble.  Doink starts to get back on track after Bam Bam misses a splash.  Both men tag out and in comes Dink and Luna.  Initially, Dink outsmarts Luna but then she uses her size to her advantage.  Dink starts running circles around Luna until she gets fed up and hauls off and kicks him.  Now that’s funny!  A powerslam by Luna keeps her in firm control.  Dink is able to avoid a splash off the top rope by Luna and tag Doink.  After clotheslining Doink to the floor, Bam Bam tries going after Dink but can’t grab him.  Back inside, Doink goes for a sunset flip but Bam Bam sits on him.  Lawler wishes that would have been Dink instead.  Make that 2 of us.  Doink hits a DDT but misses the Whoopee Cushion.  Bam Bam hits the flying headbutt and graciously ends this. 

Postmatch:  Dink tries taking on Bam Bam and Luna, but they gang up on him.  Doink pulls Dink out before too much damage could be done.  Darn!

BL: Well, this was a mess no matter how you look at it.  If they were trying to create a King Kong Bundy/Little Beaver moment, they failed.  Only thing funny about this match was when Dink was getting beat up.  ¼*

- We cut to a shot in the crowd where a fake Bill Clinton waves to the crowd.  Wow, what a coup for the WWF to score him.  It should be noted that Jack Tunney and IRS are sitting in his box with him.

- A Wrestlemania 3 moment is shown next which showcases its record crowd and Hogan/Andre.  It’s still amazing that they had over 93,000 for that show.  Ahem.

Falls Count Anywhere Match: “Macho Man” Randy Savage vs. Crush

Rules here are that after a man is pinned, he has 60 seconds to get back to the ring or else he loses.  Macho attacks Crush in the aisleway to get things started.  It’s Crush though who dominates Macho, as he hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker.  Crush drops Macho, throat first, on the guardrail and picks up a very quick pinfall.  With about 30 seconds left, Macho attempts to get into the ring but Fuji whacks him with the flag.  Macho is able to slip in with 2 seconds remaining, but Crush is right there to attack him some more.  As Macho is tied up in a Tree of Woe, Crush grabs some salt.  Macho is able to free himself and throw the salt in Crush’s eyes instead.  After hitting the big elbow on Crush, Macho kicks him to the floor and gets the 3 count.  Fuji dumps water on Crush to revive him and get him in the ring before time runs out.  Crush backflips Macho out of the ring to put him back on offense.  Macho turns it around by clotheslining Crush over the guardrail and into the crowd.  They begin to brawl to the back.  Macho slams Crush’s head into a door and gets a pinfall.  Macho then ties Crush’s foot and uses a pulley to hang Crush upside down.  As the fans countdown, Macho beats up Fuji for good measure.  Clock hits zero and Macho is the victor.

BL: Certainly an interesting stipulation here.  Too bad I felt it took away a lot from this match.  It would have been better to have a straight up wrestling match.  It didn’t help that Macho didn’t tie Crush up correctly and he could have easily made it back to the ring.  But c’est la vie.  **

- Todd chats with “Bill” and IRS.  All 3 men stumble with their words as if they were in the 6^th grade asking Mary Jane Smith to the Spring Dance.

- Highlights from the weekend’s Fanfest are shown.  I’m sorry but getting your picture taken with Paul Bearer in the casket that the Undertaker “died” in is a little too creepy for me.

- With Macho Man’s victory still fresh in our minds, we show the Wrestlemania 4 moment of him winning the tournament and the title.  What no clip of Bobby Heenan wearing that jacket to protect him from Matilda?

WWF Women’s Championship Match: Alundra Blayze (champ) vs. Leilani Kai

Why have a women’s division if your #1 contender is Leilani Kai.  Blayze goads Kai into a test of strength but then legsweeps her.  A couple of sunset flips by Blayze only get her 2 counts.  Kai looks like a deer caught in the headlights.  A powerslam by Kai gets her a nearfall.  Well, we knew it was coming…the ever popular hair toss is used by Kai.  A 2 count by Kai, as she hits a double underhook suplex.  Lawler makes a comment comparing Blayze to a horse.  Nowadays, Lawler drools over anything with boobs.  Blayze mounts a comeback and gets a couple nearfalls.  A German suplex by Blayze is enough to finish off Kai and end our misery.

BL: Well the idea here was simple, introduce your new Women’s champ and get her and the division over with the fans.  The mission failed though.  It’s no surprise too when she’s pitted against a lady who competed at Wrestlemania 1.  Back to the drawing board fellas.  ¾ *

- In attendance today is Freddy Blassie, Captain Lou Albano, Nikolai Volkoff, Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young.  Why was Mae there?  Is she attached to Moolah’s hip or something?

- The Wrestlemania 5 moment highlights the Piper/Brother Love/Morton Downey Jr. segment.  There Wrestlemania moments don’t seem to be focusing a lot on wrestling, do they?

WWF Tag Team Championship Match: The Quebecers (champs) vs. Men on a Mission

We decide to cut away from the intros to a segment backstage where Rhonda Shear chooses Burt Reynolds over Shawn Michaels.  And the purpose of that segment was?  The Quebecers jump Men on a Mission as they mug for the crowd.  A double clothesline by Mabel stops the Quebecers in their tracks.  Jacques attacks Mo behind the ref’s back to gain an upper hand.  Quebecers do some nice double team moves to make Mo your crappy rapper-in-distress.  Mo goes over and seems to make the tag but the ref says no.  Pierre misses a senton bomb and now Mo does make the tag.  Mabel manhandles both Quebecers until he misses an avalanche.  The Quebecers muster enough strength to suplex Mabel.  After that, the Quebecers hit their finisher yet somehow Mabel kicks out at 2.  Everyone in there looks like they ran back-to-back marathons and I don’t think they’re selling.  Men on a Mission hit their finisher but Johnny Polo distracts the referee.  Polo then grabs Pierre out of the ring and has the Quebecers take the countout loss.  Wow, was this bad.

Postmatch: Men on a Mission celebrate with the belts even though Quebecers are still champs.

BL: I don’t even know where to begin on this match.  Bad ending aside, everyone looked completely dead in the ring.  That includes the crowd who gave no reaction to either team.  Men on a Mission had no business being in a title match.  DUD

- The Ultimate Challenge from Wrestlemania 6 is our next Wrestlemania moment.  This one takes a nice jab at Hulk Hogan by having Gorilla Monsoon say that this match proved “no one was unbeatable”.

- A recap is shown capturing the history behind Lex Luger and Yokozuna.  This includes Lex’s co-win of the Royal Rumble with Bret Hart.  It was decided that there would be a coin toss between Lex and Bret to see who would face Yoko first at Wrestlemania.  Lex won and gets a crack at Yoko first.  The winner will face Bret for the title later tonight.

WWF Championship Match: Yokozuna (champ) vs. Lex Luger

Rhonda Shear is YOUR celebrity timekeeper and Donnie Wahlberg is YOUR celebrity announcer.  It was announced before the show that each title match would have a guest referee.  The referee for this match is none other than Mr. Perfect.  A slugfest to start is easily won by Luger.  Yoko is knocked to the outside and then Luger takes it to him on the floor.  A crossbody off the top rope gets Luger a 2 count.  Luger goes for the bodyslam but Yoko falls on top of him.  Yoko works over Luger and then removes the turnbuckle pad.  The crowd tries to get a USA chant started as Yoko slaps on his deadly nerve hold on Luger.  Luger manages to briefly escape but soon Yoko slaps it back on again.  Man is this getting boring.  Even Yoko is getting bored so he just tosses Luger to the floor.  Luger comes back in and gets put in the nerve hold again!  This is ridiculous.  Yoko finally brings action to this match by hitting Luger with a belly to belly.  Yoko goes to ram Luger’s head in the exposed corner but it’s Yoko’s head that gets rammed instead.  OH THE IRONY!  Three clotheslines and a powerslam have Yoko reeling now.  Luger hits the TrueValue forearm and knocks Yoko out cold.  Jim Cornette and Fuji get on the apron but Luger beats up on both of them.  As Luger covers, Mr. Perfect checks on Cornette.  Luger yells for Perfect but he then goes and checks on Fuji.  Frustrated, Luger gets up, shoves Perfect and tells him to count.  Well, everyone knows you don’t put your hands on Mr. Perfect, so he disqualifies Luger and awards the match to Yoko.

BL: I had hopes that these two could have as good as of a match as they did at Summerslam.  My wish did not come true.  It is never a good idea to have seventy-five percent of a match be a rest hold.  The ending was cheap too but if it meant keeping the title off of Luger, I won’t complain too much.  *

- As a bullshit chant rings out through the crowd, Todd tries to get some answers from Mr. Perfect.  He can’t say too much before Luger finds him and they start yelling at each other.  The Usual Bunch of Idiots break it up before they fight.

- The chosen Wrestlemania Moment from Wrestlemania 7 is the Blindfold Match between Jake “the Snake” Roberts and Rick “the Model” Martel.  You know it’s funny…Jake stumbles around today as if he’s still wearing that blindfold.

- Harvey Whippleman comes down and insults Howard Finkel, which prompts Finkel to shove Whippleman.  This would produce some of those classic Tuxedo matches between the two.  Adam Bomb comes down to rescue his manager.  Before Bomb can do anything to Finkel, Earthquake runs out and starts attacking Bomb, which leads us to…

Adam Bomb vs. Earthquake

                Earthquake hits a couple of powerslams and follows it up with the Earthquake splash and it’s all over for Bomb.

BL: The review consisted of one line, what else do you want me to say.  Oh yeah…DUD

- Jim Cornette gives his usual over-the-top passionate promo about how Bret Hart will suffer more humiliation when he loses to Yoko later tonight.  Oh come on, the guy has suffered enough already, give him a break.  Wait, nevermind, we’re talking about Bret here.  You may proceed.

- Nearing the end of our Wrestlemania moments, we’re shown the awesome appearance of the Undertaker at Wrestlemania 8.  He will not be making an awesome appearance here though because he’s DEAD.  Or so the WWF would like you to believe.

Ladder Match for the WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Shawn Michaels (champ) vs. Razor Ramon (champ)

Interesting note…Current announcer Tony Chimel is the man in charge of holding onto Razor’s gold chains tonight.  You will note both men are listed as champ above.  That’s because Shawn was stripped of his title late last year, yet claimed he was still the champ.  Meanwhile, a battle royal and subsequent title match were made which Razor won to also become champion.  In order to determine the undisputed Intercontinental champion, this ladder match was created.  To the match, Shawn goes for a rocker dropper but Razor blocks it and hits a chokeslam.  Shawn comes right back though with a neckbreaker.  Razor is heaved through the ropes and to the floor.  Diesel comes over and clotheslines Razor.  I’m sure he was trying to help him up and accidentally tripped.  Regardless, Hebner ejects Diesel for his actions, which doesn’t sit well with Shawn.  Razor is now tossing Shawn all over the ring and eventually clotheslines him out of the ring.  On the outside, Razor removes the mats on the floor, but Shawn tosses him in the ring before any damage is done.  Shawn blocks a Razor’s Edge attempt and backdrops Razor onto the exposed floor.  Talk about your cruel twists of fate.  With Razor down, Shawn takes the opportunity to grab the ladder.  Razor is up and stops Shawn from bringing it in.  As Razor tries to put it in the ring, Shawn baseball slides the ladder into Razor’s abdomen.  Shawn then uses the ladder a few more time on Razor’s midsection and back.  Thinking Razor’s out, Shawn makes the ascent up the ladder.  Razor is able to grab him and give us the obligatory Michaels ass-shot.  After slamming Razor in the middle of the ring, Shawn goes up and splashes Razor off the top of the ladder.  As Shawn goes for the belts again, Razor dumps the ladder causing Shawn to fall onto the top rope.  Shawn whips Razor, they collide and we have a double KO.  Both men are up and Razor whips Shawn into the ladder, which was set up in the corner.  Razor then begins to physically assault Shawn with the ladder.  As Razor begins his first climb up the ladder, Shawn jumps off the top rope and nails Razor in the back.  Both men climb up the ladder and as they reach the top, Razor suplexes Shawn off the ladder.  That ladder looks about as wobbly as Scott Hall is nowadays.  Razor tries for the belts again, but Shawn dropkicks him off the ladder.  As both men reach their feet, Shawn superkicks Razor.  Razor appears to be out.  After nailing him with a piledriver, Shawn takes the ladder and uses his weight to slam it on Razor.  Man, these guys are going all out.  Setting the ladder over Razor’s limp body, Shawn goes up again.  Razor gets up though and shoves Shawn and the ladder.  The fall caused Shawn’s foot to get caught in the ropes.  Shawn tries to escape but as he frees his foot, he gets his arm caught.  All of Shawn’s problems allow Razor enough time to climb the ladder, grab the belts and become the undisputed Intercontinental champion.

BL: There may be more creative ladder matches that come after this but this is the original and nothing beats the original.  These two put on a tour de force of action.  Nonstop from start to finish made this a very entertaining match.  Wonderfully booked and a joy to watch over and over again.  **** 1/2

- The team of IRS, Jeff Jarrett, Rick Martel and the Headshrinkers can’t decide who will be the captain so Vince claims that the 10-men tag against Tatanka, The 1-2-3 Kid, Sparky Plugg and the Smoking Gunns is cancelled.  Gee, and I was so looking forward to that.

- Todd bothers us again by introducing “Bill” to the Million Dollar Man.  Are these supposed to be funny?  Are they part of an angle?  I’ll take meaningless filler for $500, Alex.

- The final Wrestlemania moment comes from Wrestlemania 9 where we’re shown how Yoko cheated to defeat Bret for the WWF title.  Isn’t it amazing how these things always come around full circle?

- Music videos highlighting both Bret and Yoko’s careers are shown.  Those were nice but didn’t really tell us anything.  Well, except that Bret has a wide arsenal of offensive maneuvers while Yoko has about 3.

WWF Championship Match: Yokozuna (champ) vs. Bret “the Hitman” Hart

Jennie Garth from Beverly Hills 90210 is YOUR celebrity timekeeper and Burt Reynolds is YOUR celebrity announcer.  Boy, they really pulled out the A-listers for this show didn’t they?  Burt, who evidently was mugged earlier in the weekend, announces the special guest referee, who is Rowdy Roddy Piper.  Yoko doesn’t waste any time and attacks Bret as he enters the ring.  Bret tries to comeback with a dropkick but he misses a second one.  Piper gets in the face of Yoko after he bit Bret.  This has been all Yoko so far.  A missed splash by Yoko gives Bret a chance to recuperate.  Bret pounds away on Yoko and knocks him to his butt.  While Bret goes for a pin, Cornette pulls Piper out to stop the count.  Piper retaliates by punching Cornette.  Fans dig that as a “Rowdy” chant rings out through MSG.  Yoko hits a legdrop and Bret looks to be in bad shape.  After Yoko heaves Bret out of the ring, he barely makes it back inside.  Bret avoids a Yoko avalanche and then nails him with a bulldog.  That gets a 2 count.  Continuing to roll, Bret gets a few more nearfalls.  Yoko is able to slow Bret down though with a belly to belly.  Dragging Bret to the corner, Yoko goes for the Banzai Drop.  As he goes to jump, Yoko loses his footing and falls to the mat.  Bret crawls over and gets the 3 count to become the new WWF champion.

Postmatch: A whole slew of faces come down to celebrate with Bret.  Meanwhile, Owen comes down the aisle but refuses to cheer on his brother.  Back to the shadows for Owen.

BL: Certainly not the best title match ever, but it told a decent story.  Yoko dominated the match as you could tell how beaten physically and mentally Bret was.  It was the right way to book the ending as it sent the crowd home happy and had a new feud between Owen and Bret already set in place.  **

Final Thought: This is so tough to call.  Most people when talking about this show speak fondly of it based on the good matches.  I, on the other hand, dwell on the crap that made up the majority of the show.  Being the tenth anniversary, I would have liked an all-around better show.  Having said that there is no denying the awesomeness of the Bret/Owen and Ladder matches.  All wrestling fans must see them but as far as the rest of the show, I wouldn’t recommend seeing them.

Next time, King of the Ring rolls through Baltimore and the Orioles could take lessons from Owen Hart as to how to properly do a baseball slide.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.  
  

E-MAIL ADAM
BROWSE THE OOLD TYME ARCHIVES

Originally from Cleveland, Adam is now a graduate student at the University of Dayton who is looking to make a couple extra bucks writing this column. What do you mean Rick doesn't pay his columnists?

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